Random Quotes
"decent prices? what about my 'i have a nice vagina' discount?" -Me
"quit thinking you're smarter than me, miss i'm-smarter-than-you!" -Bowman
"that's a very good explanation. because that's what i was wondering about." -Mom
Me: "so Sierra, and vagina lately?"
Sierra: "only yours baby."
"excuse me sir, can you direct me to your firearms?" -Nick
"that's true, i am pretty freakin awesome." -Nick
"hey sex pot, you should buy me some food." -Me
Me: "did you beat her up?"
Sierra: "i kicked her in the balls. which probably hurt her...cuz she has balls."
"oh yeah, i forgot there was a point." -Alex
"we're going on a five-people-are-gonna-be-there date." -Alex
Victor: "cheap one-ply hotel toilet paper?"
Alex: "um, it's two-ply, mmkay? so shut the fuck up."
"GOD! who the hell do i have to sleep with to get this tattoo for a reasonable price?!" -Me
"Trevor's like, 'i have no gas!' and i'm like, 'i have no food, i win!'" -Alex
"she tried to explain it to me and i was like, 'stop talking.'" -Sierra
Amber: "it's a good thing you have high hopes."
Me: "i don't have high hopes!"
Amber: "i mean...low expectations."
Me: "i don't have low expectations!"
"he's moderately attractive. if you like ugly people." -Alex
"you could sue me for all i've got, but that's like a pack of ramen and 26 cents." -Alex
"mmmm ramen...i don't wanna move..." -Alex
"oh! so you totally have to check out this thing that i'm going to show you...it's my penis actually." -Alex
Mike: "Turkish Silvers? why don't you just smoke a rolled-up piece of paper?"
Me: "why don't i just smoke your mom!"
"this one sucks hard." -Nick
"that's like going over to our neighbor's and saying, 'hi. we're better than you so...don't come over.'" -Alex
"see that orange light? that means you're gonna jack yourself up." -Nick
"i didn't know this guy was a band! i hope he's halfway decent, because he's awfully attractive." -Me
"remember you are a confused, angst-ridden, ball of teen like the rest of us." -Chris
Nick: "do you wanna know how heavy this is? a thousand!"
Me: "a thousand what? you need a unit of measure."
Nick: "a thousand units...of heavy."
Sierra: "something smells bad."
Me: "Taco Bell."
Sierra: "no...more like poop."
Me: "oh yeah, i took a shit over there."
Sierra: "oh ok."
Me: "Nick has mad skillz."
Nick: "yeah, i'm a freakin beast."
"you guys suck! er...i mean, give me more money. yup, that's my letter to Corporate." -Nick
Me: "i don't care."
Nick: "i don't care either."
Me: "well, one of us has to care or we'll never get anything figured out."
"we're American, a'ight?" -Nick
"dude, i'm smarter than you and i flunked out of college." -Nick
Me: "did we turn on Zuni from 37th, or 37th from Zuni?"
Drea: "um...i think 37th from Zuni. just get back to 15th."
Me: "but 15th is a one-way! do you mean 16th? or 14th?"
Drea: "um..."
Me: "i know! how about we just kill ourselves. then we won't have to worry about it."
Nick: "double-u tee eff, Monique."
Me: "ess tee eff u, Nick."
Nick: "aww..."
Me: "did you just put that in your mouth?"
Nick: "perhaps."
"here's some photo shiz-nit." -Nick
Nick: "a'ight."
Me: "did you seriously just say that."
"it's good cuz now i only freak out a couple times instead of...the whole time." -Andy
"i am so cool. let me tell you how cool i am. (pause) that was it." -Andy
"i could be in Nascar! wow, this is fun...when do i get to go right?" -Andy
Derek: "that's really cool."
Me: "no it's not!! "
"you know that, 'work hard, play hard' mentality that everyone thinks is so great? well, my motto is 'play hard, work easy.'" -Mr. Bowman
Monique: "we are so cool."
Desarae: "god, i know!"
"so how's that whole 'being you' thing working out for ya?" -Derek
"first you gotta have some flowers, then the children playing, and then BAM! naked Monique! with a knife." -Sanchez
"what's that on your face? oh it's your face!" -Derek
"guess what? i only wore one sock today!" -Derek
"well you know what's under the trampoline? it's called the ground. and it hurts." -Colleena
"i did it. but i don't remember how i did it so...i can't fix it." -Me
Me: "well throw something at him for me and tell him that gay people aren't evil."
Juan: "ok, i'll even try to hijack his pope-mobile, bring it to you as a souvenier."
"my hair is really adorable." -Kev
"so the dog is still soft, which is BORING! i want it to be like, rock hard forever." -Alex
"i think christian kids really enjoy their parents, cuz they really enjoy everything." -Alex
"yeah my contacts fell out because the concert was so awesome." -Brister
"she thought i was going to hit her, i could see the terror in her eyes." -Juan
"yeah well i'd cry at night too if my balls were small enough to fit into girl's pants." -Lisa
"i've never been this tired in so long!" -Lisa
"it's like i'm not even controlling it. it's like someone else is controlling it!" -Juan
Me: "this is really kinda creepy."
Juan: "yeah, well there's no such thing as ghosts."
"you know what the number one cause of death is? life." -Brister
"if anyone wants a soda, you can't have it!" -Chris
"i think we just lit the fuse to Eric's tampon." -David
"it's like, either be gay...or give me back my pants." -Alex
Steve: "okay i love you bye."
Me: "Steve!"
Steve: "i'm gone. i mean...fuck!"
"i think i'm going through menopause." -Michael
"you bastard! where's my swiffer?" -Ben
"you're due for a good vaginal stabbing!" -Steve
"there's no entertainment like topless entertainment. except for pantless entertainment...which i have been known to provide..." -Jon
"dude, that's just asking for your stomach to explode out of your ass." -Steve
"wanna see my boobies? they're small." -Asheley
"guh...this tastes like poo. want some poo?" -Me
"speaking of changing the subject, i gotta go!" -Mark
"it gets me going for the day! except all the times we've listened to it i've had really bad acne." -Brister
"who is the longest boyfriend you've had? wait...let me rephrase that..." -Brister
"it's like getting up from taking a crap and you just gotta turn around and look at your crap!" -Brister's football coach
"well i have my right testicle tattooed on...my left testicle." -Steve
Evan: "i'm confused!"
Teacher: (angrily) "don't be confused!"
"you shush, i am in the process of making a statement." -Steve
"Space Cowboy can't take much more of this." -Chris
"oh yeah? well...no!" -Me