(03/30/04)

Another.

Nikolao.

I learned that "solten dolva" means "Hello." And that "Caer den terdicci" means "How are you."

A land of eternal rain.

Vampires.

(03/21/04)

I've been thinking a lot about who the hell was driving that day in September. Finally I just *asked*. If I had to use those nice, horrid psychology terms, I'd go for one I saw on a.s.d - ATBA, or something like that. "Angry teenage bitch alter". He's... probably 17 (voice in head: "18!") and ... short. Not short like physically, but short in the way that only teenage boys can be. Abrupt. Blunt. I don't know his name but when I think of him I think of the name Jared, so Jared he shall be until I see otherwise. I never really talked about the gatekeeper theory either. It occurred to me that the way I was trying to get there wasn't working too well. It was very "disembodied-head"ish and I had a hard time "navigating". So it occurred to me that there'd probably be a gate somewhere, and lo and behold, there was. I don't know her name. I think she doesn't like me, insofar as someone so impersonal can dislike someone. She frequently asks me "Back again?" in either a scornful... I can't use tone, because it isn't really a voice. A scornful... thing. That's as good as it's gonna get. And sometimes it's like words on a screen; not the type of text we have here, like Times New Roman, fonts and all that. More like your typical alarm clock font. She's fucking bizarre, though. I keep asking her if this is going to be a two-way door sometime (though in much better phrasing). I keep getting mixed responses. It's like hitting a brick wall. I can slip out a hell of a lot easier than I can slip in. I can feel sometimes that I'm... well, not alone. A creepy kind of double-image thing; like I'm here, and then over here at the same time. Like I'm standing here in my body but there's someone/thing standing in front of, beside, or behind me. I really don't know. I talked with Ally about this whole thing the other day. We were discussing the possibility of her being multi and she has actual evidence - appointments in her datebook she never made, logs of us talking that she didn't contribute to. I could cite evidence that she's possibly not alone, but when I asked her... I didn't get much conclusive thought to perhaps being Many. (So I like Logan's words better. He does wax poetic every so often.) She said "You go little to big a lot." IE, the tone of my voice, verbal mannerisms, speech patterns, etc. But... you know, this whole thing would stop driving me so damn crazy if either someone close to me pointed out evidence one way or the other, or ... well, I set out a notebook. It was a suggestion by someone else. I wrote at the top "This is a safe journal. If anyone wants to write here, I'd love to hear from you." If there was a sentence, a fragment, a name, a picture of a green elephant or a purple hippo, that would be enough to satisfy me and let me do things that need to be done instead of spending my extra time pondering this. Someone, somewhere, give me evidence. Give me liberty or give me death, I say! ;P I know, I know. I've gotten the diatribe about how if it works for you, you get to do it. How "labels" don't matter. How it doesn't really matter what you are and what you aren't, it's who you are and what you feel.

Fuck that. I want to know.

(03/01/04)

I think... that when I feel so distant, so apathetic... it has more to do with Malori than me. And I was thinking today... they're normally more active only when someone from Nambiet talks to me. I'm trying to imagine her talking to Niven or Logan. Hah! I think the only one who could deal with her would be Mjollnir.

(01/17/04)

Chaos. A constant dull roar in my head that I can't tune out anymore. It gets worse sometimes and I am so tired. It makes me feel dizzy and floaty and far away. Sometimes I wonder when I'll stop screaming and then I realize I've already woken up.

"It feels like... somebody's raw emotions hijacked my brain." Well said, Baralai. All nerves are raw. I am desperate for a soothing touch.

A bit of an update, as it's been a few days. I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me; everything is so distant lately. So... not me. I feel so very far away at times, as if there is nothing in the world but feeling dizzy and far away. It feels as if I am merely functional; just on a level of functionality that keeps me running while I trip over my feet and try not to choke. I had a dream that Chelsea talked to Logan. (And no, Logan, Michael and Malori weren't the nice people I meant. I meant I met some of the stardancers from that website.) She was enamored of him. It was cute. But still; no one seems to want to "come forward," so to speak. I want to know if I'm delusional or not. This is starting to irritate me. The time I spent with my aunt has been on my mind a lot lately. It certainly wasn't pleasant. Perhaps...?

Tonight (02/05/04), as I've felt rather "spacey" of late, I had decided to lay down and make another roundabout attempt to discover if there are "people in my head." Upon relaxing and giving it some effort, I wandered to the wing of the... house...? The unnamed building that I rarely visit, and happened upon the "kitchen" area. Quite a few people were present, but the first that I saw clearly was a dark-red-haired female, clothed entirely in black with a nasty smile. We spoke briefly and I discovered her name to be Malori (age 28). Considering the "floaty" feelings, the dizziness, the pressure, I made an attempt to get her to see if she could come "out." After a rather long discussion about what benefits it would have to her, she decided to try. I was taken to the safe room by Benjamin, where a small girl that I'd met only briefly before named Chelsea (approximately age 5) curled up with me as Benjamin held me. Malori is a bit of a nasty character... whereas one of my best friends Niven is dhampir, kind and peaceful, she is a dangerous, dark persona... with more of bloodlust than he could ever have. During this experiment she continually had made nasty comments, and another, named Michael (approximately age 32), had come to "deal" with her. A very gentle being. The feelings during this experiment were very strange... being urged to relax and let go, and such. Dizziness. Floatiness. Distance. It was very strange. I'm not entirely sure it was successful or not; but when I got up, I felt very unsteady and far away, unused to my body, slightly. It was obvious Malori was with me, due to the constant stream of negativity she poured out. She urged me to make an attempt at my writing game; where I see if my handwriting has changed. I'm not sure if it was the circumstances or if it really was her, but I certainly don't write like that.

"I never thought I'd waste my time this way", "Malori", "I want you to write about how I feel angry at you for making me live this way for so long", and "When tomorrow comes you will be sane".

Intriguing.