*Through my eyes...in my Words*

one

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My Words...

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when the sun slips behind the horizon--i miss you when the stars give light into the black night sky--i miss you when i hear your voice and feel its unbearable distance--i miss you when i strip my body of the ending day's clothes--i miss you when i slip into bed, letting my cold blanket wrap itself around my naked skin--i miss you when i close my eyes and give myself into utter darkness--i miss you when im woken by the suns morning rays creeping into my bedroom, instead of the feeling of your body next to mine--i miss you when i love, i miss you i love you every moment of every day... so my question is, will i ever stop missing you?

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What a horrible taste. my mouth is almost numb...
numb.. my body becomes numb whenever you look at me.
look.. look at all the pretty people, prancing around like whores.
around.. my mind spins around because my world is in chaos.
chaos.. chaos has almost become a trend, looking for any weak person to latch onto.
latch.. the latch on her door is broken. she sleep with a knife.
sleep.. sleep through the anguish and late night fights.
fight.. fight for what's yours. it belongs to you.

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I want to slip away. Un-noticed. No witnesses. With out hesitation. Leave you behind. No longer a part of my life. Forget. No guilt, no regret. No you. No us. Just me for once. Start over. Me.

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its like a weight. There's no will to do anything. Effort seems non-existent. My mind is cluttered----with nothing Can't focus on anything, yet everything seems magnified to its greatest possible annoyance. Nerves are sketched by everything. I feel smothered and all alone at the same time. I have no desire to be in the presence of anyone, but i dont want to be by myself. Silence has its calming effect and terrifying reality. Everything seems to contradict itself-both feelings and actions. Confussion is more than apparent. Simplicity is visibly beyond my reach. Everything means something, and something amazingly becomes everything. My world feels like its slowly disappearing, but was it every visible in the first place? My strength seems to have been drained from my body. Crashed on the floor is where i find myself.

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You've seen the cripple dance Pay me your money, baby, now's your chance Your lies/eyes like cyanide I am so dumb Just beam me up I've had it all forever I've had enough Remember, you promised me I'm dying, I'm dying please I want to, I need to be Under your skin Our love is quicksand So easy to drown They steal the gravity, yeah From moving ground Remember, you promised me I'm dying, I'm dying please I want to, I need to be Under your skin And now I understand You leave with everything You leave with everything I am In the rain And I know that love is dead You come to bury me There's nothing left here to pretend Then it fades Remember, you promised me I'm dying, I'm dying please I want to, I need to be Under your skin I'm dying, I'm dying please I'm dying, I'm dying please I'm dying, I'm dying please Under your skin Under your skin -hole

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I thought you were mine that you belonged to me. but time seems to portray a different picture, your actions even give a different answer. you said you needed space, so you stopped all communication with me i moved on re-adjusted my priorities, my life. denile is what got me through denile about how much i cared, how much it mattered, how much i hurt. then you reappeared. popped back into my life as if i was waiting for you. maybe i was. it was just for a day, to tell me you loved me still. what had you done wrong? Excite me tell me promises, ones you still cant keep. nothings changed. you disappear once again keeping your distance another month this time is more painful i know ive been lied to denile is no excuse denile is no longer an option Out of sight, out of mind..right? only at times with somethings its not that simple. What next? Who would have guessed? you melt my heart.... ....again have you no mercy? is it all just a game to you? does it only exist at your convenience? it must. i know of no other explanation "I'll talk to you again, promise" but i was the one busy for a change, and i paid my price His convenience or none must be the rules. Nothing. Silence. Heartache. Embarrassment. I let him do it again. Shall we now go for three?

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pictures capture every moment that has been or will be lost. memories that will fade away without that visual reminding. moments that will never change and can never be relived. all we have left is what our future holds, and what we make of our lives will determine that outcome. no matter how hard you try, that moment, staring back at you from that piece of paper on the wall, will and can never happen again. those days are lost and forever gone.

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why cant you love me like i love you? have i not been everything you wanted me to be? have i not said all you wanted me to say? i give so much more than i should.. but i have to... i love you

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i gave in rendered myself helpless susceptable to anything you want me to be.
abandon me leave me broken and used waiting on your return a return that will fill me up mind and body
make me crave you more than before tell me you love me. need me what i do to you build me up.. only to crush my homemade kingdom.
my idol, my obsession, fantasy desire. i want it all no more tastes. it only lingers so long on my tongue, just like your....
'fuck me then leave me' is the phrase but you always come back after ive regained my balance.
i always forgive ill never forget. but ill always take you back with reluctance before... i give in.

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Now look what you've done You've ruined it for both of us Take a step back Get the whole picture in focus Whats the view like now? Is the world spinning yet? Dont get dizzy, Keep your head up, Don't close your eyes You've got to see this. Watch me suffer. Can you see the pain in my eyes? Eyes... Eyes that are a window to my soul. A soul thats breaking just like my heart. Pick up the pieces, Burry them deep in your pocket. Forget. Forgotten doesn't mean gone. Maybe in your mind, Not reality. Your eraser must be dull. It's the last, Last of what was. Last in line. You'll neve be first. First come, first forgotten. Forgotten but not gone. "Gone with the Wind" seems too easy, Easy is nonexistent. Exist is what we do...

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what do i have to say? to say.. to say, to tell to tell about my life on a simple sheet of white paper? ink stains eliminate its purity its purpose has become to bear my secrets, my thoughts without the slightest hesitation. it accepts it has no choice.

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he tells me i have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen. i dont think anyones ever complimented me like that. i wonder if he knows what he does to me.

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both the wind and thoughts are unavailable to be seen with our eyes, yet the reactions towards them both are undoubtedly visual. i know you've seen it

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i have to sit here and watch my heart be torn in pieces. not in just two, but into many ...so many pieces. they'll be scattered and ill be left to chase after them. i wont bother to put them together, ill just put them away in a little box, just big enough and hide it away. then one day when im ready to start again ill open that box and slowly begin to piece my heart back together.

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my world is coming down around me-theres nothing i can do to stop it-wait for it to fall and start to build it again-everything i know has become distant-is that even me im looking at-is it my voice thats talking anymore-whisper thoughts in my ear-take them to heart?-should i listen?-you say it hurts you to be away from me-sometimes you have a choice though-you choose to be away-distancing yourself from me-everything you know-am i really all that you say?-do i really hold that place in your life you lable me to?-this is MY world-im losing grip though-i no longer have control over anything-im losing my hold-its all slipping out of my grasp-nothing to hold onto anymore-do i move on, find something new?-or do i chase after all thats gone?-all thats familiar and dear to my heart-my worlds falling down around me-all i can do is watch

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be yourself. Stop depending on the people around you to make you who you are. Be your own person, instead of a version of someone else. How can you mimmick another so easily and pass it off for your true identity? i know i couldnt. It makes me ill just thinking about it. same game. same players. same rules. ...but your game will end. learn to be yourself.

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fears take over my mind controlling my actions selfconsciousness hinders me not much time left has he had enough time? all these doubts could be for nothing helpless terror invades my mind for what? nothing...or everything?

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what kinda of a person am i? so self-unassured. why? do i have a reason or am i just another weak person wandering around this world, stumbling through my life? worrying about everything and nothing at the same time. i cant keep my mind on the same subject for five minutes before it darts off into a meaningless abyss. why cant i control my own mind? instead it controlls me and i am subject to its every whim.

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i hate when people say things only because they feel obligated.

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its so nice out. cool in the wind when the clouds cover the warm sun. as the wind blows the clouds past, i can feel the sun begin to heat my skin as it creeps back into blinding view. how much i miss the summer and its sufficating heat is hard to describe. my skin is such a pastey white and my hair, a darker shade of blonde, easily slipping into a noticable brown. with summer comes copper skin, freakles, and bleached hair, chapped lips, burnt shoulders, and endless days spent baking on the sand followed my cooling swims in the salt-filled ocean. jellyfish stings, sea lice, biting flies, and feet cut on the sharp shells which make the ocean floor their bed, are but a few of the prices we pay. young boys, beautiful people with perfect bodies, children, and families flood the hot sand on the beaches..june through september.

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such sweet intentions meant to last more-than-enough promises that couldnt be kept. trust would slowly slip, to the back. words... words that never could be met. desire to make it slowly dimmed. itd be easier if, if it just came to an end. feelings that were no longer considered. pushed and pulled, too much that was needed. 'forever' were we. 'nothing' we are. 'forgotten' you and me.

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im hurt and you dont even know it but you wont. you can't, i won't let you. i'll just slowly slip to the back, and then i'll be gone. too gradual for you to notice, too silent for you to hear. will you miss me? i'll miss you.

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ive tried to end it so many times. but i cant say no to you. and you know it i wish i could. i wish i was stronger. then maybe id save myself the pain. the pain i endure because i love you. sometimes i love you only because.. i know nothing else. we were always so happy. we were also so young. its easy to love at that age. its so simple, carefree. but things change. we change. we get older. more complicated, more indepth we want more, need more demand it. i try to bring those old time back. but its just not the same. then, our love was pure. over time its been contaminated with expectations. others ideas of what it is or should be. its no longer just 'ours' so much more is envolved now. i cant participate anymore. its not how it should be, how is was supposed to be. my love for you will always exist. but it will only live in my memories. memories so sweet and innocent. dont take those away from me. let me keep that. in memories. all my love, in memories.

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