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Princes Tuna Fillets in Reduced Calorie
Mayonnaise
The finest tuna fillets from everyone's favourite Dutch food conglomerate.
Full marks for attempting to lure the tinned fish eaters of the world
away from their meaty chunks in oil, tomato or, heavens above, brine.
And friendly to dolphins as well, ahhhhhhhhh! Little buggers, have you
seen how dolphins treat a tuna? Teasing it and taunting it with its superior
but annoyingly high pitched warblings. I guess the ability to jump through
a hoop and dance to a random Sousa tune for a reward of a dead fish goes
an awfully long way
They're fillets of fish
filled fun!
Two tins
with potentially two jagged edges reduced to one single tin with, presumably,
only one jagged edge, which must mean a great deal fewer severed limbs
and torn jugular veins in the world. And runny mayonnaise
If one counts the fishing
involved in actually catching a tuna, quite a fair bit. If one merely
counts buying a jar of mayonnaise, a can of tuna and somehow mixing the
two together with say a fork, about five minutes. It all depends whether
you're Ernest Hemingway or Delia Smith
6 out of 10 - The tin is
a highly desirable piece of engineering and when emptied of its fishy
contents makes an excellent if somewhat odd smelling cigar case or a shiny
toy car for dull and impressionable children
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Tesco Mini Savoury Eggs with Egg Mayonnaise
:
Very little. The plastic packaging is a little too complex and ostentatious
for what is essentially a half dozen mulched eggs masquerading as that
fine and decent stalwart of wandering snack addicts and 24 hour garage
gluttons everywhere, the noble Scotch egg. Did William Wallace and Little
Jimmy Krankie die in vain? We wish. When reduced to 39p though, even
the most steadfast of of ascetic hermits could be tempted
Smaller than a Scotch
egg and only half as fulfilling!
You're
better off with a Scotch egg or a steak bake, possibly even a chicken
and mushroom pie, but these savoury eggs are more than useful with a
litre of garlic and chive dip and a nice shiny fork engineered to suit
the contours of your mouth
Mulching those eggs to a
fine consistency doesn't come easily, so its probably best left to a
complicated piece of industrial machinery churning out a million of
these little buggers every half hour for the hungry Prunella Scales
obsessed consumers of Tesco
7 out of 10 - Ideal if
somewhat messy with a dip, but a bit too tasteless on their own, although
the packaging is ideal for soundproofing a recording studio or medieval
style torture chamber
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Somerfield Egg Mayonnaise
Wanton phallic intrusion into the clean living lives of morally strict
housewives everywhere. What mother can possibly explain the inexplicable
existence of this malignant cream coloured torpedo full of depravity malice
and vice to her doting and unsullied offspring?
Stick it up yer arse
and blow!
Can be
used in sandwiches, smeared on the ground as a slippery trap for tax inspectors
or used as easily applied make up for arctic or lunar warfare
Say, six minutes of hard boiling
and egg and a possibly thirty seconds of hot fork action combining the
two essential ingredients and that's a precious seven minutes with with
you could pay attention to your dog or vacuum behind the sofa
5 out of 10 - Of reasonable
usefulness for lazy slobs and over worked and uninspired catering workers,
my main problems lies with large amount of discarded egg shells found
in this faux sausage of infinite peril. Yes it makes for a crunchy sandwich
but it feels like the equivalent of the dead rat in the McChicken sandwich
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Yarden Aubergine and Mayonnaise
The
ignoble and exceedingly rude and bulbous aubergine is agreeably reduced
to a moral pulp and mashed together with the very finest in mayonnaise.
Remember always that the aubergine is big scary and a worryingly dark
purple shade of black and can cause nightmares in small children and elderly
spinsters
Why the giddy twat is
an aubergine called an egg plant?
A pointless
combination that tastes like wet cement served with a crocodile feet sauce
: Nobody would want to eat aubergine
mushed together with mayonnaise, but it is reassuring to know that it
is readily available at a local provisioner. I can't imagine that this
bizarre combination of ingredients could possibly occur naturally so a
lot of labour is saved mixing random elements and ingredients together
on the way to stumbling over this product
5 out 10 - A fit end for
the dangerous grenade like aubergine, the bludgeon of the vegetable kingdom,
but an unappetising snack for humans, let alone camels or beavers with
gum disease
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Tesco Tuna and Mayonnaise
Tunas
are dangerous. Whilst most people only ever encounter tuna in tiny tins,
already vanquished and hacked and stabbed by brave men with big beards
and waterproof clothing into tiny manageable chunks or flakes, we can
exclusively reveal that tuna are in fact bloody great big fish the size
of a small horse that have murderous intentions to all humanity. And Ernest
Hemingway lookalikes in particular
Dolphin friendly, tuna
facking frightening
Makes sandwiches
such a breeze for the pressured lunch maker that you may as well just
through away all your bread and eat this piscine marine smelling paste
straight from the jar with your fingers
Whether renting a sea going
boat to actually catching a fast and crafty tuna, or forking together
two separate jars, anything up to seven and a half weeks can be saved
even allowing for a Wednesday afternoon spent writing vivid memoirs of
a fish catching man
6 out of 10 - Most appetising,
but when will the world of grocery learn that the word paste sounds more
like a DIY term for something that plugs up gaps in baths and toilets
than something to be eaten by discerning adults
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The Delicatessen Egg Mayonnaise Sandwich
Filler
So upright,
so correct, the regimental sergeant major of convenience food. That infernal
egg filled Zeppelin of Somerfield could be used for anything. An artist's
paint, a badger's suppository, a projectile to injure cats or heaven's
above even a crunchy mayonnaise related snack, but this little number
above actually states in no uncertain terms exactly what its for.
Its for filling your sandwiches stupid, and it even has a nicely labelled
serving suggestion so don't go squeezing into the space around your bathroom
taps. Oh silly people
Can I use it absolutely
for nothing else on earth? Can I not just eat it with my fingers straight
from the tub? Who will ever know or care save the woman that does my laundry?
Won't help
you make the bread, but fills your sandwiches certainly. Other egg mayonnaises
may diversify but we want our filling
Open the cardboard, stare
at the picture, ponder the mysteries of pointless serving suggestion,
wonder at the description of anything so bland as a sandwich filler, have
a lie down in a dark room. I make that an extra two and a half hours on
the time to make a sandwich, so no saving at all. Bah
6 out of 10 - Less crunch
and more filling, I await the egg mayonnaise belly stuffer with some expectation
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