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Veins
In my silent corner, I wait.
Designed to feel this way,
Programmed to give in;
To say that the pain doesn't matter.
Used as a "friend," beat by enemies,
And still trying to not show that it hurts.
Every lie, every moment ignored;
The ones you care about never caring;
There's no release; no way out.
Simmering behind the wall of blood
Filling to capacity too quickly.
How long until the blood used dries?
Until the wall cracks and the flood begins?
What then? Will everything just snap?
The wall dries a little every day;
A snap here, a crack there.
Snaking up the blood plaster,
Covered now like a spiderweb of faultlines.
How much blood do I need to pour into this?
How can it all be endured and put back together?
Wait a minute... I need to put on a new coat...
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Mistakes
"A mistake," she says. "It was all a mistake."
Always a mistake, covering my happiness with
a dark blanket of sorrow;
Slowly smothering all of my emotion with its wool folds.
Arriving in this blighted world as a mistake,
Living life as a mistake full of "mistakes."
And then dying as a mistake.
Never meant to be, but still existing by some grace.
All lies! Everything she said was a lie!
Every kiss given, every look draught in, every touch a lie!
Because it was all a mistake.
Every tender word, every warm embrace, every happy smile.
All lies. It all makes sense now.
I've come full circle, and I always end up here.
But never like this.
She was like a dream to me. So perfect...
A lie? Do my dreams lie to me now too???
My own heart speaks lies. Mistakes.
But I remain. Another mistake.
One of the new abortions
Permitted to enter this world of hate and sorrow;
Allowed to live out a life of lies and mistakes;
We fester in our own seperate worlds of darkness.
"A mistake," she said. "It was all a mistake."
If only she knew...
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No feeling, no realization
Wandering my path with a film over my eyes
Nothing seems to register.
Despite what's been done,
Regardless of what I've become,
I still don't feel it.
Trial by fire, isolation in a claustraphopic-prone cell;
Never realizing that life has hit me.
Stretched so thin, I've become blind to the world;
Unfeeling to those who care for me; those who love me;
I feel indifference towards them all.
But I know I shouldn't.
I should feel joy that they're there for me;
But I've never come to them with my problems.
Never asked for a shoulder to cry on.
They're not here. Not with me.
I feed off friendships in my own way.
I need them just to be around me. To be happy.
Their happiness makes me forget. Lets me forget.
I've come so far, but I haven't realized it yet.
Experienced so much, but I haven't ever really left home.
Where's home anymore?
I've never felt passion; never felt the need.
Am I that jaded? Why?
Why doesn't it all hit me? Why don't I FEEL?!?
Part of me is missing, but I don't remember ever having it.
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Let's just be friends
It comes back. Every time.
Flames lick the backs of my eyes,
The fire just visible in my vision
Mixes in with a blurry field of red;
Always threatening to overtake my senses.
To cloud my judgement;
To break me in half.
My brain only registers sorrow.
A blight upon both body and spirit
Wreck havoc upon me.
Tainted am I; one of the lost.
One of the Shattered;
One of the Unwanted.
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Alles ist verloren
A piece is missing; it's just not there.
Like a hunger pain,
Clawing its way up from the depths
Of all I've seen, heard, felt.
An emptiness in my soul that just
Won't; can't; go away.
When did it leave? Which piece is it?
How can it be retrieved
So I can be whole again? Hole again?
A disease eats away at my inners,
Using the hole for its selfish gains.
Like a plague of locusts, gnawing
Through me, devouring all that I have left;
A blackness consuming all the joy and
Light in my body; my world; they leave me
Empty; broken; yet hungrey for more pain.
More abuse in place of the joy I once knew.
Can anything fill the void in my heart?
Banish the monsters
That haunt me day and night?
A thought of a miricle is merely a pipe dream;
False hope for the weak of mind and vision-chasers.
But do I need one?
A false prophet to alleviate the hunger...
Kill my locusts...
Shed light upon the blackness...
Slay the monsters...
Fill the void...
The truth is too hard to face at times;
Not wanting to lose what little I have,
I struggle on and let the demons consume and
Torment me. Should I embrace the harsh reality?
Or is it already too late?
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Sphere of Influence
Trapped inside this tiny sphere
Life's so far, the pain so near
Pound on walls made of glass
The Doctors say this pain will pass...
Floating on currents through this ocean
Claustraphobia more than a notion
Strangers always peering in
Hypocrites all; they accuse of sin
Outside my bubble life goes on
My heart bleeds fire, until it's all gone
Love cannot enter my world so dear
Afraid to give in, I shead no tear
Pain in my stomach that never is away
My soul a mutt, a dog gone stray
"Man's best friend" is no friend of mine
Not in my bubble; I drink the wine
That poisons us all, and makes us so weak
Alcohol flows unto the meek
But then a miricle! Or maybe a curse?
Things always seem to turn for the worse.
A man steps up and peers within
My little bubble, and starts to grin.
"I see you there, you can't hide from me"
He takes out a hammer, to set me free
But free into what??? This godawful place
That you call reality; I'd rather just waste
Away in my sphere, bleeding my fire
Unto my self, until I can go no higher
Into myself, to seek to be better
The man hits my bubble, and then I get wetter
From the ocean of reality, all pouring in,
Soaking my world in hypocrite sin.
"Let me stay here!" I beg to the man.
"Not a chance," he says, "You never should've ran"
My sphere fills with water and it soaks my skin
I always knew I never would win
This game we play each and every day.
I hoped I could, and now I shall pay.
The glass all shatters, and cuts into my heart
Slicing and dicing my flesh all apart
Bleeding to death, I cry out in pain.
This reality's not real; I've died all in vain.
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Tic-Tac-Toe
Can I come inside to play your games?
I know who you are, but what's in a name?
So you think you're messed up. I am too.
You reach inside for what you already knew.
Make life easy; get rid of that pain.
Sacrifice your love and make it a new game
Of making it all simple; will joy leave as well?
You're acting just like you're under some spell
Cast by yourself to make you not see
What life really is, with or without me
You'll try to make it plain, try not to be.
Life's never easy, the joy walks with sorrow;
Who will you be when it turns tomorrow?
The path not taken has thorns, I know.
You're lost at the beach, stuck in the undertoe.
The easy way out looks so much brighter
But if you don't swim hard, the straightjacket gets tighter.
You're seeking yourself, and I agree with that much.
But which will come first? Yourself, or Death's touch?
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Dr. Roboto
How can I begin to seek this feeling?
Can I define it and give it a meaning?
Betrayal is dealt by my most beloved
Yet I portray indifference; is it strength from above?
I seek to spell out what has no name.
It gives me pleasure and it gives me pain.
My emotions, it seems, are never quite right;
Pain comes at random, but mostly at night.
I've never felt pleasure; what's it like?
Am I so inhuman to feel no spike
Of love or ecstacy when I should?
My heart I guess is made of wood
That comes off in splinters which pierce my chest;
Pain in my side; some kind of sick test?
Just a robot who feels no joy,
No elation ever comes, I'm just a stupid little toy.
A pawn in life's little chess game,
I cry to the heavens to set free my name,
My soul, and my body to join the tired masses.
Screw this shit! Pass me the jaded glasses!
I want to see life from eyes naive.
Rip these stupid tricks out from my sleeve
And make me a sheep! Fuck if I care.
I want back my soul. But was it ever there?
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Who then now?
Crawling into the abyss of depression, I look back up at the stars.
Pure, clean, white; they shine above my head;
Beyond my reach. I strive to reach them and fall.
I know I'm being lied to.
I know she might not care.
But I continue on.
Sometimes going deeper into my cave,
Other times playing the fool to bring happiness to the
Faces of those who desperatly need it.
I can do this.
A friend in need is a friend indeed,
But my friends never seem to notice how hard I try
To live up to their expectations.
Why am I doing this?
To MY expectations.
Never noticed when helpful,
Remembered when the path is slippery.
I fall again.
How much longer can I take this hypocrisy?
When can love flow freely out from the veins of despair?
Will we ever be able to see beyond our own problems?
I doubt I'll see that day.
Striving to live down the past;
Trying my best not to cower from the future;
Expecting more from the present than it can give;
This is how I live life.
Doubt and rage leave red spots in my eyes,
Blocking the stars from my vision.
The time has come to make a decision.
Will I go on?
Day in and day out it all wears down on me.
All of the talk; the lies; the rumors;
They burn the life from my body like a branding iron.
CAN I go on???
Not like this. This can't be it.
There must be something more. Something I can't see.
A spark; a flicker; a candle of joy or hope or love!
WHY CAN'T I SEE IT?!?
I do my best to be what everyone wants me to be! What they need me to be!
And still it's never good enough!
Am I reliable? Can I be trusted? Is this love?
Why won't you see it?
I hope I can live up to it all.
To myself. To you. To whatever the future may hold.
My head pounds with these pressures and needs.
I can't go on.
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Bosnia
Watch out for the enemy, comrade.
We come to save you from them now
Don’t trust them, for they are bad
And want to hurt you somewhere, somehow.
Killing fields with snow of red,
Watch out for the Serbian head,
Hop on the train to carry you away,
Hide at night, be killed by day.
We are your only savior, my dear.
Follow our ranks to your demise.
We flash our rank in your face.
Our uniform is our disguise.
Killing fields with snow of red,
Watch out for the Serbian head,
Hop on the train to carry you away,
Hide at night, be killed by day.
WE are the light, we follow God
If you are them, I pity your fate.
I’ll kill you outright, for you are evil,
Watch your body fall on the slate.
Killing fields with snow of red,
Watch out for the Serbian head,
Hop on the train to carry you away,
Hide at night, be killed by day.
Wait, oh no, we made a mistake.
You were not one of them.
Sorry we killed you, you were one of the new men
But mistakes are made, we are only human.
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Exhaust
Poison is plentiful when you really need it;
The will to survive is no longer so strong.
Grasp at Death as though it were closer
To your mouth then you've believed all along.
Suck it all down as though it were sustinance;
Loving the taste that a slow death brings.
Enjoy every moment and pretend that it fills you
With all that you need, for it gives you wings.
The smell is all around you; it permeates your skin.
Visions of fame float across your sight.
The stick of fire burns down your throat
And coughing you know that day looks like night.
Fitting in with the crowd was never a problem;
You always wanted to feel like a sheep.
Well now you've done it! You blindly follow
The crowds of the mindless. Soon you will sleep.
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Weedeater
Mow the lawn and take out the weeds,
Eat the stems and plant the seeds
In yourself and watch them grow,
They poison you, and then you show
Just what you ate, and why you did;
Want to be cool, but you're just a kid.
Grow the hell up, and be yourself;
Don't be stupid, it just hurts your health.
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Knives
Cut yourself to watch it bleed
You love the pain, and feel the need
To slice to veins and ties that bind
You to this earth, I never could find
Out why you do it, or what's been done
That made you choose it, you couldn't run
From this pain of something so close
Around your soul, you've built a moat
I try to cross and hope I don't drown
In your waters, my body not found
Upon the shores of hope I wait
For you to return and claim your fate
Of living in peace, sheltered by tears
Stand here beside me throughout the years
Of death and torment, don't hurt yourself
With your own words, upon the shelf
My pains reside, with all due speed
Rescue me from death, I cannot see
The train approaching, it's so damn dark,
What can I do, except see the spark
Of your love I hold so dear,
Please save me, while I'm still here.
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Contact me
teufelsunde@yahoo.com