The Mission - Help Ponyboy Win The Intergalatic Arms Race - You're traveling from planet to planet shooting up space jerks and collecting items I can best describe as switchblades and gasoline cans. I think it's because you come from a planet of 1950s greasers and these are the resources that they need. This raises a lot of questions that I can't answer with even the biggest load of bullshit I can think up. Why are they still fighting with knives in such a technologically advanced age? Why are they still using gasoline to fuel their hot rods when everyone knows that in the future people will power their vehicles with moon crystals? If their technology is still so far behind then how the hell did they manage to reach a new planet and defeat the hordes of super intelligent dinosaurs that surely lived there first? I got a million fucking inquiries.
Arrogance - Unbelievable - This game actually has the balls to feature no music whatsoever. I think the only exception is the title screen, which has a nice five seconds of music. During all the tedious levels, however, your only soundtrack is gunfire and explosions. I assume it's because the creators of the game were under the impression that there's no musc in space. I find that hard to believe. If they've got cities on the moon and teleporter devices (which are completely useless by the way and would only increase the threat of obesity in the future) then someone's got to have a fucking boombox. I'm sure the greasers will lend you some rockabilly records for a pack of smokes.
Gameplay - Repetiton, Repetition, Repetition - There's only one fun thing to do in this game. Jump into the walls and fall on your ass. I do it repeatedly until I get a concussion and pass out. Then the space slugs come and lay their eggs in my brain. I don't mind though. I'd rather be the father of an adorable and deadly man/slug hybrid than work as a secret agent for the space greasers.
Ending? - You Don't Fucking Deserve One - Alien wars are serious business. Humans aren't nearly as adept at combat as the acid spitting doppelgangers that want our skulls as trophies. Even our best genetically engineered duckmen are practically helpless against such creatures. So if you're going to play a game with such a premise it's safe to say that you're in for a long fight. But god damn, you'd think that there would be an end to it eventually, right? Not in Xenophobe. No matter how many times you circle the same eight space stations there will always be more aliens to kill. This has led me to believe that the Xenos are a species that reproduce asexually. If you're going to throw me into a war against an enemy that can split in two whenever it pleases you should fucking tell me. This is like fighting a giant ravenous amoeba with fangs that thinks your brain tastes a lot like delicious cinnamon donuts. Basically, it's something like this...
An Idea For A Movie - I'm working on this tremendously stupendous screenplay for an Outsiders sequel. Well, by screenplay what I actually mean is movie poster. And by movie poster I mean drawing that I did with the paint feature on this computer. I see it as being the greatest movie ever made and completely reinventing cinema altogether. Anyone who misses it will be so full of grief that they'll eventually kill themselves. The world will be better off without all the fools who doubt my vision anyway. It'll probably spark a revolution that'll somehow make me the ruler of the universe. Even the bloodthirsty Spacemoebas will fear me.
