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Looks - NES - Not only does the NES version possess the ability to emit invisible lasers that seek out and implode prostates but it also has the most incredible graphics of any game ever made thanks to its radioactive enhancements. If you think it looks bad it's only because you have weak human eyes that can't handle such powerfully advanced images. Some people's eyes have been known to melt because the high toxicity and mind-bendingly realistic mutant action were just too much. This is what's known as natural selection, and it's how humans will be wiped out so super humans can take over.
Least Annoying Accents - NES - The NES version is the only one that doesn't have Gambit. That's a very good thing. I can't respect a man that talks like the candlestick from Beauty And The Beast.
We're really gonna mix things up now. I will use my infinitely awesome powers to give life to each of the contenders. I will mold them into the image of legendary super heroes that have had a great impact on my life...
NES Version = John Gacy
SNES Version = Jeffrey Dahmer
Genesis Version = Gary Busey
Super Strength - None - I was really disappointed by the results of this test. I gave each of them a car to lift and toss into the sun but none of them could do it. Gary Busey just lit a cigarette and called John Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer a couple of limp wristed queers. It greatly offended them. Jeffrey Dahmer and John Gacy told me they were throwing a surprise party for Gary Busey to show there were no hard feelings and that I should bring my camera to document all the fun and games. Later that night, I lured Gary Busey into the basement where we had set up the party. I had my camera ready. That's when John Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer tackled Gary Busey then took turns sodomozing and torturing him until they finally strangled him with a piano wire. I would've been scared but John Gacy had his clown outfit on so I laughed instead. John Gacy and I noticed all the pies that Jeffrey Dahmer had baked for the party and we had an impromptu pie-throwing competition. It was a blast. Jeffrey Dahmer just sat in the corner eating Gary Busey's remains though.
Flight - None - The next morning we met at the tallest cliff in the Savage Land. Jeffrey Dahmer and John Gacy were both a little nervous about this test. That's when a swarm of police arrived in search of John Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer. They panicked and they held hands as they jumped off the cliff together, as renegade lovers often do. Unfortunately, flight was not a super power that either of them possessed. Quite sad, yet so very touching.
And The Winner Is... - John Gacy. No doubt about it. Before I foolishly gave my NES cart the gift of humanity it was doing fine. It seems that these cartridges forgotten by time just couldn't handle a life of flesh and blood. They overindulged and they paid the ultimate price for it. Please, don't do as I have done. Let games be games, people be people, and mutants be mutants. Maybe some day we'll all learn to coexist and live in peace.
