I haven't been writng in my journal a lot. I don't know why. I've had a lot I've wanted to write about in the last week or two. But somehow I was provoked to write this one. Not by some oral cue but by a written statement I've just recently read.
For those of you who know me well, which seems to be less and less people everyday, I am very good a wallowing in my own self pity. If you don't care to hear any more I suggest you stop reading. Now, the writeing I read that provoked me to write today was one of Weezie's journals. And fancy enough, I drew attention to how shitty I am as a person. I remember something about not having many good friends, kinda reminds me of myself, only to a much grander scale. Through deep contemplation, I can think of only two people who could be considered a true friend, someone I can talk to. Even still, I can't know how well they think of me as a friend.
I constantly feel like I am not wanted by some people I have considered as aquantinces. Continuously being overlooked when something fun arises. This isn't being written as a knock to anyone, but somebody must realize that I'm a highly passive person. I love being around people and having a good time, I'm just uncapable to set things up.
It sucks to be on the outside looking in for you're entire life, yet that is just what I do. It's hard to sit idley by watching you live without a care in the world. Watch me sometimes, how often am I seen stimulating conversation or with a giant grin on my face or eliciting some kind of enjoyment or laughter in others? Never. I'm the one sitting in the corner, lips closed tightly, watching, listening, almost lifeless. I would often think to myself, "what am I doing here, I have no place here" in the midst of some intellegent discussion. Everyone I've come in contact with has such superior talent and cognitive capacity, I often wonder how I have come to know some of you.
I don't want to feel this way anymore.