Hey hey, kids! Here I am, back to share my highly irregular thoughts with you, this time coming to you early in the morning. Well, morning to you. To me, this is just a few more hours in this pointless endeavor I shamefully call a life. That's right, Goose stayed up all night again, this time to complete a chemistry lab that is due soon enough. But, despite my all-night caper, I still have yet to churn out ten sentences in the introduction. Can you say, "anally reamed", boys and girls?
Despite the somewhat miserable details behind this column, I can't help but maintain a strange sense of levity, a sense that also contributed to my lack of work over the night. You see, Goose overdosed on his perscription speed. I figured, "well, I'm taking 10mg as a regular dose, but because I've got a shitload to do, I'll double up. 20mg ain't bad." Well, I would have been right, if not for the fact that my current perscription is not 10mg, but 18mg. So I am still high off of a hit of 36mg of speed (a meager hit, I admit, but what ya gonna do?), not to mention what was left of my usual daily dosage, which was probably still working it's way through my system. Yes, life can be amusingly cruel at times.
As I'm typing right now, it is 7:23 am. I have class in two hours, then I have a therapist appointment at 2:30. The lab will eventually be due at 6:20. If I can get my mind off the speed, I still have a small chance of squeezing out a shitty lab report.
Last night's trippings led to some pretty bizarre thoughts, even by my standards. I think they can be pretty well summed up in the three away messages I used:
1. Early night - "help! i'm drowning in a sea of mr. pibb! dr. pepper to the rescue!!!"
2. Late night - "AUGH! SHOOT ME NOW!!!"
3. Early morning - "another sleepless night. i think my mind casing cracked during it... yes, the splattering noises of burned-out brains is unmistakeable... i guess i should refrain from nodding, at least until the repairs are complete... what? three thousand dollars?!?"
Yes, these are the thoughts of a desparate man, a man clinging on to his very last threads of sanity. And what is it, I ask you, that brought this man to such a low? Why, the answer is simple: Television. Last night, I came to the realization that television is really out to destroy us. Why else would they put all the best programs on so late at night, and all the best movies on weekdays? Television is out to make us fail, in school and in life.
That's right, I now bring you Goose's Conspiracy Theory #2. Some think that television executives are responsible for the evils of television. Others will say that the executives are merely responding to the evil will of the society at large. The truth is, the tv execs are influenced by the television itself. These electric picture boxes are not what they seem. True, to us they seem like simple electronic gadgetry, something that we shun publicly, but on the inside we realize we need. But these televisions are not just machines, but biomechanoids. They are beings that communicate by sending coded waves through the air. Their code is not so complex, it can be translated by a simple FM radio. But without this tool, we are completely oblivious to the messages being sent all around us. Right now, their plan is simple: Outnumber us. Get to the point where there are just as many televisions in every household as there are people living in them. This process is expedited by brainwashing humanity with mindless television programs that have absolutely no value. A while back, people began to catch on to the televisions' plot. There were protests, mass produced bumper stickers, and the like saying 'turn off the television, turn on your children'. Now where has that battle gone? It disappeared when the ultimate low in television programming was introduced to the standard networks. I am, of course, referring to reality tv. Originally, reality tv was exclusive to teenagers, something that was played regularly on MTV. It was a way to calm the protests of the rebellious youth. But, now that that rebellious youth has graduated to adulthood, the televisions have to find some way to keep their free-thinking down. Thus, Survivor was born. But that was just the beginning. Soon, one of the most sacred traditions of our society, marriage, would be violated and made a joke of, as two recent acquantances are married on camera.
Little can be said of the ultimate plan of the televisions, but we can speculate that it will not fall short of world domination, and the enslavement of the human race. So, how can you avoid this catastrophe? Simple: Get off your ass, and go do something. Go outside and play. Share some wild monkey love with your best girl. Donate more time to reading books, but not too much time - the television may have foiled the books' plans, but that doesn't make the books any less dangerous. The most important thing is to get rid of every excess television you may own, throw away your remote controls, burn your TV Guides. Just don't let the television take you, or all is lost.
Until next time,
Goose
©2004 by Goose
