They sent me back to that location again today. I told Janet how I felt but she said she really needed me to be there because I'm good at dealing with the humidity inside the Tyvek suits and respirators while still being able to work at an almost normal speed. i said fine. I'm a good sport like that, I'll tough it out.

I ended up going home at 11:30 though. They had two other girls in two clean while standing on scaffolding but they couldn't do it because they were afraid of heights. I'm terrified of hieghts aswell but I really wanted to get the job done and I can't do any ground work until the scaffolding work is done because they'd just be knocking asbestos onto my clean floor the next day. So I tried to get up there and work, but I just could get any highing than 20ft before I started to get dizzy and shake. So I had leave with the other girls. I felt really bad but there's nothing I can do. My body just wouldn't let me go any higher. I become paralized with fear.

They didn't even tell me I'd have to be working on scaffolding this morning when they sent me back to that location. It would of saved everyone a whole lot of time if they'd of mentioned how high up we were going to be. We could of found two or three men who could go up there (I say men because the harnesses were really lose on us women, it was dangerous) and send us some place different. Then everyone would be happy and productive.

I put up with a lot of things and just push trough my mental and physical pain because I really do enjoy my job. I don't care that I come home covered in cuts and bruises because I enjoy helping people. I find it to be very rewarding. Plus, it's may be a dirty and disgusting job that not many people would do even if they weren't getting paid as little as I do but SOMEBODY has to do it. Disasters don't just fix themselves.

I'm not evening going to talk about what happened at work other than to say I had close to a nervous breakdown. Shaking, crying, hyperventalating, vomitting. The whole bit. I'm still shaking. I'm still crying off and on. I'm about to tweek on the next person who speaks to me.

On the way home from work some fucking idiot cut *right* infront of us. Like really f'ing close, we would of smashed right into him if we weren't lucky. So I flipped him off. Next thing I know, he's chasing us, rolls down his windows, says "What's the problem you fucking bitch?" ME: "You nearly fucking killed the both of us you fucking asshole!!!" HIM:"Fuck you." ME:"No thanks." and then I roll up my window and he's still fucking chasing us, tailing us, getting infront of us and trying to make us smash into his bumper. Was fucking scary. That's the last thing I needed after my fucking day at work.

Remember how I said I was going to tweek out on the next person who spoke to me? Well, I did. It was Kar. I feel like shit now:(

I started to shake, then I started to cry, then I started to scream and I just blew up. I've stopped crying and shaking and feel much better stress-wise because I got all of the out of my system...but I blew up at Kar so I feel sad

Why couldn't it of been my mother or on of my ex-friends..damnit...

Guess blowing up at Kar was only a temporary relief. Still crying, still shaking. Can't eat, can't sleep.

Fuck it. I'm asking for a new location. I'm willing to work but I just can't work in this particular building. Too many bad memories and emotional baggage attached to it. I didn't complain when I cut my leg open, I didn't complain when I had to go into work with my good eye not working and half my face paralized, I didn't complain when I I slipped a disc in my back...but I had a fucking nervous breakdown and spent most of the day bawling. I kept it low-key by bawling into my respirator and passing it off as sweat or crying durring decontamination and passing it off as water from the showers. I didn't complain the whole day, even after I threw up. Asking for a re-location shouldn't be that big of a deal. I'll go back there if I have to but I really really think it'd be better for everyone involved if they just switched me with someone else.

Fucking incompetent temps again.

RULE #1 Cell phone stays off durring work hours unless you expect some kind of family emergency to occur. Talk on the cel phone durring your lunch and break. CDT is paying you to clean up fires, floods, and oils spills, not to talk on your phone all damned day.

RULE #2 I don't care if you're tired, I'm not picking up your slack. I'm tired too. I'm tired, my face is half paralysed, I have a pinched nerve in my back, and my arms are slightly atrophied, I'm still doing everything I can. I'm not sitting on my big fat ass whining that I'm tired.

RULE #3 Don't ask why. Just do it.

Mood:  not sure
Looking at my friend's grad photos was a bad idea. It made me so sad that I missed out on the Prom and graduation and all the grad parties. I'm so pissed off at myself for fucking that all up. It's gone now, I can't get it back.

Work was fucking hard today. My hands are all blistered and scratched up. I've got a dozen or so bruises from lifting crates and bumping into crates, or slipping and banging my arm on the assembly table. We we supposed to do 10 units an hours, which is pretty much anyone's peak perfomance. You can't do peak all day long. Your hands get all fucked up and your muscles hurt eventually and you slow down to about 7-9 units per hour. Doesn't make you a slacker. Anyway, thankfully our quota is now down to 8 I *think*. We'll see on Monday. Only one more day of these units for Honda and then I can move on to something a little less hand on the fingers...lift, threading, maybe assembling those large white units. That'd be nice but beggars can't be choosey and money is money.People a nice, everyone's laid back (not including Jeff, that is. LoL), and I can swear a blue streak and nobody cares. That's a definate plus for me because if I'm getting hurt or something is doing what it should it's hard for me to not be like "Son of a bitch!!" "Fucking hell!!". Oh, and they don't listen to country music on the radio all day. Country music makes me want to take a nap. Rock music all the way.

Chad was supposed to call me an hour ago...I wonder where he is? By the time he gets here I'm going to be in bed if he doesn't hurry up! Ah, well.

My fiance is a sweetie!
Mood:  happy
Wel, Chad got around to reading my last entry and I think it made him feel bad, which sucks. I don't know how to explain it but I didn't exactly mean all that, they were just thoughts of worry in my head that I needed to get out so I could relax and sleep.

Anyway, he reassured me about my birthday. He's actually giving me one of my gifts early. :-) He got me a classic Tamagotchi like I had back in 1997. That was soooo thoughtful! I hadn't even mentioned my old Tamagotchi puppy for monthes and he knew how I was dreading my birthday coming up because I just missed my childhood so much and he remembered one of my favourite childhood toys!

Speaking of childhood toys, I think I might buy myself a Furby. I miss my old Furby. Don't know what happened to him...

Can't Sleep
It's 4:30AM and I'm still awake. Chad's birthday is coming up next weekend. I'm getting him a really expensive birthday gift and it's just got me in knots. I don't ever spend that kinda money on myself for useful things let alone on other for something that impractacle...

Right now I'm so homesick that I've actually broken down a cried. For what Chad's gift is going to cost me I could buy round-trip plane tickets and spend two weeks at home with my best friend and my family.

I mentioned to him something I wanted for my birthday that actually costs less than his present (he makes 10x more money than I do, also)and he just kinda looked at me as if I was nuts to want him to spend that much money even though he already knows what I'm getting him. Gee. That's comforting.

Not that I'm being materialistic or anything but if I bust my hump and spend all the money I have on his birthday and he does the same thing he's done for the past 3 years for my birthday (either dump me or not even get me a card) I'll pop a vein and shove his present up his ass.

An Explanation
Mood:  a-ok
This is to my friends:

I've been really distant lately and just really short with everyone and I'm sorry. There's just been stuff going on with me that I've just kept bottled up.

I'm losing my sight and my hearing and it's really fucking scary. Can you even imagine what it would be like to live in a world of silent darkness? After a while the thought just started making me really angry at everyone and everything for no reason. I can't even explain why, but I just withdrew. I didn't want to be bothered with all these happy people and their happy little lives. Just when things were starting to be okay (Well, not really okay, but okay enough comparably).

I'm getting used to it now. I've always been ill ever since I was small and there's never been any reason for it. Just unlucky, I guess.

Anyway, that's enough for now. It's late. I want to go to bed.

Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Rape Me-Nirvana
I hate Chad's ex girlfriend. She's stupid and self absorbed. All the while she was with him all she could do was cry and whine about how unsteady their relationship was. Um, big DUH here but...I thought it was just common knowledge you don't date a guy who's on the rebound because you both just get jerked around.

Stop whining about misery you bring upon yourself.

And then when they broke up...oooooooooh whaaaaa a guy I dated for a month dumped me. However shall I go on? Oh poor me! This is so much worse than the misery he and I put upon his ex-fiance that caused her to lose her baby who was the only thing keeping her going at the time and that she loved more than she ever thought she could love anything or anyone and that I hoped would die so he would stay with me and not his best friend of 10 years and ex-lover and never speak to her again. Whaaaaaaa!