Fucking incompetent temps again.

RULE #1 Cell phone stays off durring work hours unless you expect some kind of family emergency to occur. Talk on the cel phone durring your lunch and break. CDT is paying you to clean up fires, floods, and oils spills, not to talk on your phone all damned day.

RULE #2 I don't care if you're tired, I'm not picking up your slack. I'm tired too. I'm tired, my face is half paralysed, I have a pinched nerve in my back, and my arms are slightly atrophied, I'm still doing everything I can. I'm not sitting on my big fat ass whining that I'm tired.

RULE #3 Don't ask why. Just do it.

Mood:  not sure
Looking at my friend's grad photos was a bad idea. It made me so sad that I missed out on the Prom and graduation and all the grad parties. I'm so pissed off at myself for fucking that all up. It's gone now, I can't get it back.

Work was fucking hard today. My hands are all blistered and scratched up. I've got a dozen or so bruises from lifting crates and bumping into crates, or slipping and banging my arm on the assembly table. We we supposed to do 10 units an hours, which is pretty much anyone's peak perfomance. You can't do peak all day long. Your hands get all fucked up and your muscles hurt eventually and you slow down to about 7-9 units per hour. Doesn't make you a slacker. Anyway, thankfully our quota is now down to 8 I *think*. We'll see on Monday. Only one more day of these units for Honda and then I can move on to something a little less hand on the fingers...lift, threading, maybe assembling those large white units. That'd be nice but beggars can't be choosey and money is money.People a nice, everyone's laid back (not including Jeff, that is. LoL), and I can swear a blue streak and nobody cares. That's a definate plus for me because if I'm getting hurt or something is doing what it should it's hard for me to not be like "Son of a bitch!!" "Fucking hell!!". Oh, and they don't listen to country music on the radio all day. Country music makes me want to take a nap. Rock music all the way.

Chad was supposed to call me an hour ago...I wonder where he is? By the time he gets here I'm going to be in bed if he doesn't hurry up! Ah, well.

My fiance is a sweetie!
Mood:  happy
Wel, Chad got around to reading my last entry and I think it made him feel bad, which sucks. I don't know how to explain it but I didn't exactly mean all that, they were just thoughts of worry in my head that I needed to get out so I could relax and sleep.

Anyway, he reassured me about my birthday. He's actually giving me one of my gifts early. :-) He got me a classic Tamagotchi like I had back in 1997. That was soooo thoughtful! I hadn't even mentioned my old Tamagotchi puppy for monthes and he knew how I was dreading my birthday coming up because I just missed my childhood so much and he remembered one of my favourite childhood toys!

Speaking of childhood toys, I think I might buy myself a Furby. I miss my old Furby. Don't know what happened to him...

Can't Sleep
It's 4:30AM and I'm still awake. Chad's birthday is coming up next weekend. I'm getting him a really expensive birthday gift and it's just got me in knots. I don't ever spend that kinda money on myself for useful things let alone on other for something that impractacle...

Right now I'm so homesick that I've actually broken down a cried. For what Chad's gift is going to cost me I could buy round-trip plane tickets and spend two weeks at home with my best friend and my family.

I mentioned to him something I wanted for my birthday that actually costs less than his present (he makes 10x more money than I do, also)and he just kinda looked at me as if I was nuts to want him to spend that much money even though he already knows what I'm getting him. Gee. That's comforting.

Not that I'm being materialistic or anything but if I bust my hump and spend all the money I have on his birthday and he does the same thing he's done for the past 3 years for my birthday (either dump me or not even get me a card) I'll pop a vein and shove his present up his ass.

An Explanation
Mood:  a-ok
This is to my friends:

I've been really distant lately and just really short with everyone and I'm sorry. There's just been stuff going on with me that I've just kept bottled up.

I'm losing my sight and my hearing and it's really fucking scary. Can you even imagine what it would be like to live in a world of silent darkness? After a while the thought just started making me really angry at everyone and everything for no reason. I can't even explain why, but I just withdrew. I didn't want to be bothered with all these happy people and their happy little lives. Just when things were starting to be okay (Well, not really okay, but okay enough comparably).

I'm getting used to it now. I've always been ill ever since I was small and there's never been any reason for it. Just unlucky, I guess.

Anyway, that's enough for now. It's late. I want to go to bed.

Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Rape Me-Nirvana
I hate Chad's ex girlfriend. She's stupid and self absorbed. All the while she was with him all she could do was cry and whine about how unsteady their relationship was. Um, big DUH here but...I thought it was just common knowledge you don't date a guy who's on the rebound because you both just get jerked around.

Stop whining about misery you bring upon yourself.

And then when they broke up...oooooooooh whaaaaa a guy I dated for a month dumped me. However shall I go on? Oh poor me! This is so much worse than the misery he and I put upon his ex-fiance that caused her to lose her baby who was the only thing keeping her going at the time and that she loved more than she ever thought she could love anything or anyone and that I hoped would die so he would stay with me and not his best friend of 10 years and ex-lover and never speak to her again. Whaaaaaaa!

My dream seems so real...

Shawn and I were downtown, James & Baton Street looking at all the gothic and sex shops as we pass by (which don't actually exist there.)It was strange because we were part of a giant crowd of a thusand people all marching the the same direction.

...Blank...

We're all walking down a hall. I see circus animals. Two baby elephants are lying on the ground next two their trainers and I yell out "You disgust me!Those elephants are children!! How can you beat a child?" I didn't stop though, I was swept forward by the crowd into a room where there was a line up to be searched. We were ordered to take all our clothes off except for our underwear. I didn't argue. As I stopped at each inspection station i kept asking what this was for. I asked something anbout if we were being microchipped for the government and and the last inspector answered me with a bright smile and bright eyes "Nonono, this is for an experiment. Comepletely non invasive. This is mandatory. Please do not try to leave this building."

As I left the inspection room i found myself in *the* most filthy bathroom I have ever seen in my life. I was told I had to urinate before I was implanted. So, what have you, I complied. After that the doctor in the room did something to me in which I'm not going to go into alot of detail but it involved an enema.

After the bathroom I was lead outside into a fenced parking lot. People were crying. A man kept screaming "It's not fair!!" and I started to try to look for an authority, I was yelling "You can't make me do this, this is against my rights!". Then a woman came toward me with an implatation gun and put a chip into my hand. She didn't do it right so she had to fix it manually. I cried out in agony. Then she told me to "Go left." and I didn't know what that meant so I looked around and saw a soldier screaming at civilians to go left and line the fuck up and there was a girl in the lineup i knew so I thought maybe she'd seen Shawn because I'd lost him but I didn't get a chance to speak to her because we were being lead off into another build.

Two men in white came up to me and ran beside me in the building and the first one said "We're going to need you to be calm and prepare for this injection." and I cried and the other one shoved the needle into my thigh. It didn't hurt. they they turned me toward a cell were there were two other girls my age screaming and crying. I saw needles on the wall and my last thought was "Oh God no. They're experimenting on us like the animals I tried to save. Why me? I tried to help..." and as the drugs took affect i got drowsy in my dream and then I woke up in Chad's bed.

Mood:  hug me
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...
I want my razors and cigarettes...

The Dilema
Mood:  down
Another *sigh*

I've been planned to get a tattoo for my birthday and I've really been putting a lot of time into researching everything I need to know before I go get one. I've already picked out the place( http://www.stigmatabodyart.com/ ), I've heard great things about it except for about the artist, Randy, whom my fiance suggested I get to ink me. I've looked at what little work he's put up on the website and a few of he works have been crooked .So I've heard two people say good things about him (one of whom is my fiance with the tattoo that's slightly botched in one place) and 3 people who've complained they had to go to Dermagraphics or some other place to get them to fix what Randy did.
Though, my fiances tattoo was free hand so, can't expect that to be perfect. I'll be getting a stencil done first so...how can you go horribly off from the stencil? The only part I'd worry about Randy screwing up is the island itself. He did Chad's lettering beautifully and though our are not the same font they are sort of similar in a away.

I've checked out another artist, Steve, who works at Stigmata aswell and his work looks good, nothing crooked, no terribly irritated looking skin, and he's done a tattoo that's similar to mine of Cape Breton Island. While I've seen steve's work I've not met anyone who's gotten work done by steve or found anyone on any ink message boards who's had anything to say about Steve good or bad. There's also the dilema of Chad taking my not taking his suggestion as an insult..which it's not. It's just the I'm a perfectionist and if there's anything slightly wrong with my tattoo I will notice it and it will drive me insane. If it's crooked I'll pop a vein because it's stuck there forever or until I can afford to pay for laser removal (which is a looooong way off cause I's be po').

Anyway, it's something I'll have to think about hard. I'm getting this done come hell or highwater...

Why????????
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: With Matches
*Sigh* All year I tell my mom don't get me jewelry. I hate jewelry. I don't wear jewelery. I don't even wear my engagement ring. Don't get me jewelry, it's a bad idea. I hate jewelry. I don't care if you think it would grow on me with sentimental value, it won't. You don't love me, I don't love you, there's no feelings between us other than duty anymore. I have medical bills I need help paying, that would be a better use of money than blowing it on a hunk of metal that means nothing to me.

Could I possibly make it any more clear that I don't want jewelry?