what is this feeling?
MY BIRTHDAY IS ON MONDAY!!!!! ok...aaaaanyways....For the first time in weeks, Im actually.....happy. Ive been saying how much i hate my life, but i realized something. My best friend IS my life, and I will NEVER hate her, so its not my LIFE that I hate, Its some of the DECISIONS that i have made. I hadnt smiled in weeks...but Ashley made me remember how. Without Ashley, my life would be a dark, blac hole. But she has brought light to my life...she IS my life. I love you ashley and thank you so much (I will always love the beach because of you!!)

choir
okay, so we didnt suck(that much). we were actually pretty good. T'pring and Lizzy's solo was GREAT....you know, for someone who doesnt talk that much, Liz can sure SING!!! Later in the night, Kaila turned around and told me that I looked like I was about to cry (which was true because I am really upset about this whole thing with Afton right now). I mean, It was pretty dark and she still noticed. Uhhh...Lacie and Rennee(?) were really hyper(as always), and Lacie almost made me laugh in the middle of one of our songs!!! It was soooo funny though. And Im really glad that Ashie was there. I did so much better knowing that my bestest friend was there. I love you ashie!!

i have no idea
Okay, so now Afton, like, hates me. Shes mad at me because I wasnt talking to her, I guess. The only reason that I wasnt talking to her is because, i dunno, she seemed kinda ticked off at me so I didnt want to make anything worse by starting conversation with her...I told her that I would get obnoxious.....but she wouldnt listen. So I have to say that I warned her. Oh well, Im losing friends anyways...not to mention thst Im losing myself. Ive got a choir performance tonight. Ill write when I get home to tell you guyz how it went. Lata!

lost and confused
other than the problems in the entry below, there is always the other thing that has been bothering me.....loving someone that you will never have. Im going to call my boyfriend and break up with him because I have feelings for someone else, and even though this other person will never love me...or at least the way that I love him.I'll always love him and even my boyfriend cant get this boy off my mind. Im lost and I have no idea what to do....can somebody help me?

the worst pain yet
Today was horrible. I am finally learning how to keep everything inside. Its bad for me (thats an understatement). But its good for everyone else and thats all that matters. I don't think that I've ever actually tuned out the whole world before....especially my best friend ever. I think Im getting worse because I didnt want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE today. I sat there, blasting my rock music, scribbling the words from my mind to a piece of paper, and wanting to just drop dead right at that spot at that moment. After a little while, the only thing going through my head was "They beat me, I've lost".....