Corrupt Pagan's Poetry

Corrupt Pagan's Poetry

Not knowing hurts more than anything.
The uncertainty.
The things that are withheld.
A Blissful love?
A complete life?
What to do?
Can it be so?
Will it do any good?
Anger, No depression set in.
Lost in limbo.
Caught between reality and fantasy.
Such a cliche'.
Ironic isnt it? How true it is.
I am lost in what I do now know.

II

No matter what.
I have to be strong.
I can't let it bother me.
If I keep it to myself,
I am going to be the one who is wrong.
But if I speak up.
It's even worse.
I lose the person who is my very essence.
The one whose life I feel I am living.
The one who is supposed to be my confidant.
Huh.
Random isnt it?
Im not sure if I should kill myself.
Or live my fucking life.
If I die I go to "Hell"
If I live, I am already there.

III

Do you know what amuses me about life?
The fact that no matter how hard you try to forget;
The past forever haunts you.
In your dreams, in your conscience, and in your love.
So many pains terrorize my mind.
I am fearful of love.
No not of love, but fearful to love.
Hurt so many times before.
I try to see past the past;
Yet coincidences seem so coincidental.

A Sweet Kiss Good-Bye

Do the words "I want to die" mean anything?
To me they mean everything.
Crushed and destroyed.
My life, my love, and my soul.
Cannot deal withthe agony.
With a single kiss I say goodbye.
Forever?
Cannot tell, cannot know.
Waiting is destroying me.
Loving is killing me.
The pain of two I feel.
The agonies, the horrors, and the picturesque evils.
One kiss, so romantic.
The first.
One kiss, so deadly.
The last.
Hatred swelling, growing, and seething.
Fearing the release, wanting an end.
A question circles.
A razor or a noose?
A shotgun or a knife?
But worst of all.
A Kiss Goodbye.

Tansperancies

I lie growing sleepy, thinking of what could be.
What is out there for me?
Should I study, drink, smoke, or die?
Four very important choices.
Life seems so dismal.
So drab and dreary.
Suicide is almost beautiful in it's simplicity.
Fuck it.
What would it be without me.
Peaceful?
Content?
Pure?
I have been placed upon this earth,
The icon of true evil.
Not Satan himself, for he is to popular.
But the hidden darkness behind your eyes.
I show to you the brilliance of a life led astray.
Terror in every heart beat.
Agony in every breath.
For those that are touched by me.
Soon see,
The true evil that lurks inside,
Which the desperately wish to deny.
"Put Aside, runaway, forget about his hate!"
For I emmbed it in all of you.
My own legacy.
Not that I am proud.
But true to it I am.
To teach not to torment,
About life for their own sakes.
Living is the truth they seek.
Yet down the wrong path the go.
For evil is the only way.
So darling take my hand.

Lessons in Love

Love is one of those fucked up concepts!
So many aspects to be considered.
You've got your various types.
The fall down in a pool of tears and rip your heart out love.
You know the kind we all feel but hate to.
The self sacrificing, give your life for an absurd reason
That kind REALLY HURTS.
Then there is the kind which is just there.
You know, your dog, parents, friends, it's just there.
Then there is unwanted love.
Were you know it's bad, but you just can't help yourself.
But the worst one of all, is the one I have for you.
I want to fall down and give my life for my friend and I just can't help myself.
Seems odd to say that it is a bad thing, but in reality it's not.
The words "I love you" dont say it.
It means so little today to just repeat those words.
Showing it is almost impossible.
A zillion roses and chocolates don't compare.
Letters and poems, more words.
The only real way is to trade with you.
Let you feel what I feel.
Then you will learn.
When I say it.
It is meant in the purest form of the words.
So to you,
All I can say is,
"I LOVE YOU!"

Terror in the mind

People Contemplate a choice.
In reality it makes no difference,
What you choose is wrong.
Your screwed either way.
What may seem like rose buds are.
But inside lies a poisonous wasp ready to sting.
For no matter what you choose,
Maybe for just one moment it is right.
But in time,
That dagger is driven through you.
Your love is destroyed.
Possessions demolished.
Life crushed.
All with one descision.
It would seem to me,
That in this insane world;
Those who survive,
Are those who are labotamized.
You may ask why.
For those with no brain, can not choose.
And thus are saved.

My Final Thoughts

As the thoughts of suicide flood my mind,
I can't help but think of it and smile.
The red blood pooling beneath my feet.
The gashes which decorate my wrists.
The cracking and popping of each vertebre,
As my limp body tightens the noose.
The empty bottle of pills,
Pills which fill my stomach and flow through my blood stream.
The ever popular smoking gun,
Which blew the rotten insides of my skull all over the walls.
The glimmering dagger which is driven through my heart.
As I gasp for my last breath,
Think my last thought.
My heart beats it's last beat.
And as my eyes see their last sight.
It finally hits me.
My problems aren't as bad as they seemed.
Maybe I should have thought above my emotions.
Ignored my pain.
Realized.
I need to be there for everyone else.
To listen, advise, console, comfort, and correct.
Despite my pain,
Even in my worst pains.
I get tortured.
I can't speak of it.
My problems,
Far to trivial.
It is all thrown back on me.
The Irony of it all.
For all the tears I've wiped away.
I can not shed even a single tear.

Tormented Soul

I've got a lot of fucked up shit in my life. Alot of problems which I have nver confronted. Alot of which have confronted me. I have many people I care for. I see all of their mistakes. I see my mother who is dying and she won't even bother to make a fucking doctors appointment. Can't take the time out of her busy schedule to take care of herself. I have a friend who has no ambitions what so ever. He is probably going to end up dead by the time he is 25. I have my brother who I fear will get Aids and die. I have another brother who is so full of shit, he can't visit his family unlsee he needs something. I have a bestfriend who won't return my phone calls. Then we go to my father, who I know is sick, but like his stubborn ass wife, won't do a damn thing about it. I have another friend, whose mom is so worthless, he pays her bills for her. He also has to deal with a psychotic girlfriend 24-7. Then there is my old friend with 2 kids and another one on the way. He is divorcing his wife, and the most important thing in his life is some dried up fucking plant. Then there is my closest friend. She has the most complicated life. From her two rings, to her drivers liscense, her classes, her ex boyfriend, her so called friend, and her dependancy on me. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for her day or night. I have pushed my family away so I can be there for her. And granted she is there for me as well. But I have yet to talk to her about my real problem. For as close as we are. I see myself falling in love with her. I know it's true. For when she asks advice, I find it more difficule to distinguish between feelings and logical thoughts. When I wake up, before I even go to piss or smoke, I pick up the phone. I cancel plans, to sit at home and talk to her. I never cared for my ex fiance' as I do for her. But I can't have these feelings. She has got enough on her mind right now. I told her goodbye today. It's not for good but I have been physically ill since then, and it scares me. I don't know how to handle it. I have never been physically dependant on someone else. The question was asked "Whats your deal? Why are you being so shitty?" The answer, because I can't fucking tell her what is wrong with me. I am so fearful of losing the bond we have. I want to cry, but I think I have forgotten how. I am so fearful now, as she is on her way here, is it going to be a fight? Am I gonna show her this? Only time will tell. And time is the only thing I have an actuall understanding of, and th only thing I can truley grasp.

Thoughts From a Fucked Up Soul

As I sit in my den, pondering my meager existence; thoughts rush through my head. My cigarette crushed out so the smoke no longer fills the room. The full glass of Pepsi that keeps me going through the night and the B-rated movie which is on, are the story of my life. Darkness fills my mind while I sit. Loneliness fills my heart as I wonder what in essence am I looking for. An idea, ideal, or a Utopia? Wishing for love, looking for life, but what kind of life? Loneliness is what I know. Purity and Sanity, Sure. I sit here writing on a blank sheet of paper. Writing the fucked up thoughts that run through my fucked up head. Suicide, Death, Hatred, Destruction, Love, and Happiness. I wish to god, or whatever controls my destiny that shit works out. All around me, Misery sits and waives his little finger, laughing and snickering as he obliterates everyone I care for. I watch friends fall from thier graces. Marriages crumple for petty cgames. Loves betray those who care more for them than their own selves. It's a fucked up thing. Why am I so selfish? Why do I ponder my little problems, so miniscule and minute. Is it that I am selfish? I don't know. All I want is someone. Someone who will hole me in their arms. Lie next to me, let me inhale their beautiful aura. Let me look into their eyes without being paranoid of what I might see. I suppose they call it love, but I've always wondered who "they" are, and how the fuck do they not only know what it is I am feeling and looking for, but what gives them the right to way what I feel. I don't even know what it is that I am feeling, how do they know, why can't I know. I page full of shit that will probably end up in the trash, just like me, balled up in the corner, noticed by no one, just there in a state of worthless nothinglessness.