Diaries for a New Generation (Computer Journals from May 2002-Oct. 2002)

May 4 2002

So tonight I wanted to go out with Mary. Didn't happen. I called and she wasn't home, her mom said she had gone to Chicago for a concert or something. Her mom said or something. There were two things going on, one: I wanted to go to play miniature golf in Valpo two: five planets were in alignment and there was a free telescopic view of it and a comet. I went with Matt and Mandi and Frances and Diane and Aimee and Laura. I can be flirtatious and sometimes I like flirtatious girls. Laura was being flirtatious and I liked it. I didn't expect anything to come of it aside from the flirting and that was enough. I was in a flirtatious mood. So I saw a comet that was just a white blurb and we got there after the planets were in line and I could only see Jupiter and its four moons. I didn't know it had four moons, I learned something. I learned a few things and although it was pretty boring and uneventful but I had fun. I have been reading a book called "On Love" recommendation from Amanda. It is a really good book, it details all the emotion s and thoughts a person has when faced with someone that is desired, or liked, or loved, or however you want to word it. I can relate, after I read the lines a memory pops up from my own life and then I re-read the lines and it all makes sense. I like it. I like when things make sense, when a circle is completed. I cannot take the moments and thoughts I have had about relationships and put it down and describe it the way he does. I like how he uses mathematical deductions to try and minimize actions to point to love. It is hard for me to even explain what I am reading all I can say is that it is good.

I think meeting and interacting with people is best described with the puzzle analogy, basically saying that two people interacting is a puzzle and the pieces just need to fit and be fitted. Like with Mary, we have most of the border pieces of our puzzle put together already. I have met her and we have talked socialized and that forms most of the border, most of the plastic things. Then there is the inside of the puzzle where you have to connect both sides, each person has to fill in the puzzle pieces of the other in order to make a match and it is a game. If I give her too many pieces and she gives me none we have an imbalanced relationship where she knows everything and I know nothing. Same with the other way around. It is a give and take. The border is usually the hardest part for me and that is why I like to meet people off of the internet. Because we have already established many connecting middle pieces thus making the border pieces easier. But now that I have established this border with Mary I don't know how to connect from the border to the middle, I am used to doing it inversely from the middle to the edge. This is all a learning experience for sure and I am messing up a lot, like last night. I was supposed to call her and then we were supposed to go out and put together some middle pieces. I got home from work around six and sat down at the computer. I had this thought very early in the day that I wanted to write down. I did and then the post didn't go through and I started transferring everything from the internet to my hard journal. Then I started spellchecking. I finished that this morning. It is like 115 pages long. And I use so many words that are wrong it isn't even funny. But I like them and I just add them to my dictionary. And Beejay came over too, I had gotten two calls on my phone and I wasn't answering I thought it was Mary and I wanted her to leave a message. I was also wrapped up in what I was doing. But the calls stopped and then someone meanders in my door, all the light sin the house were off and I was in my underwear. BeeJay, who was supposed to be in Indianapolis for the weekend asks if I want to go see Spiderman. I really didn't, see I hadn't showered and I was in my underwear. So I took a shower (because he wasn't leaving) and then we sat down to play some cards. Then Matt calls and comes over and we sit and drink and play cards on a Friday night. About one in the morning the leave and I come back to spellcheck…I was dead tired and ended up just going to sleep. Right now I am attempting to type up the months of my old journals that aren't already and it is slow going. But the finished product will be amazing. And today, I want to call Mary and go do something, although I don't know what to do. I want to go to Valpo and play miniature golf with the big dragon, I don't know if that is a good thing or not though. I guess I will just stew a bit and type some more and then call her. Peace.love.

May 6 2002

So last night I experienced something I hadn't for a long long while. I think the last time was with Melissa. It wasn't sex, but it was with a girl and it was very nice. I am very happy, ecstatic. All day yesterday was spent outside. Basically I got back home around one in the afternoon and pulled a chair and table out onto the stoop and proceeded to read the book. After awhile Matt showed up so I pulled out the other chair. Then Diane showed up. Then Matt left and BeeJay came over and I pulled another chair out of the basement. Then Matt came back with Mandi and we pulled the love seat from the living room . My entire living room was outside and we were just hanging out and drinking, Mary called from work and I invited her over afterwards. She didn't get there until 10 ish or something like that and right around when she got there Steve called and I had to take it. It had been awhile since we talked, but I told him the situation and called him back tonight. He understood. Then when I got off of the phone Diane and BeeJay left (Matt had left earlier to take Mandi home). They wanted us to have some alone time and I wanted to too. We hadn't talked much and I barely knew her. I still barely know her, but we are getting places. We talked for a few hours and it was obvious that this was a night not made for talking. So we paused right after she had said that she could be Wonderwoman forever (I don't exactly remember why) then I kissed her and we were on the loveseat. We made out on the loveseat and I got to run my hand up her shirt. It had been awhile, so I was rusty and relished every moment. I was scared too, because I didn't want to move too fast. Eventually we moved inside, but I knew we couldn't stay long because she is allergic to my tooter. We made out in the living room, then I suggested we go into the bedroom. I felt kind of like in a movie and this is where we were supposed to start taking off our clothes and I think we could've but again I didn't want to move fast, I still don't. We were on the bed, first time I have made out on my bed, and we started to get hot and heavy. It was mostly just kissing but I had my hand up her shirt and I used the knee to pelvic movement to create some friction. And that lasted for awhile. Then I started to get frisky and sent my hand to the nether world. Roaming down and around her underwear to eventually find her "area" (haha). I played around down there for a bit, making sure to just play around and not get into to thick of things because that would definitely be too much too soon and I want to have some mystery to the situation for awhile. But next time we get together I don't want that to happen, I want to go on a date and just kiss her goodnight and then after that maybe we wills tart removing garments and getting other places. I think that for the way I live and view the world and the way I want to be treated and in turn treat other people, this is important. Because what would it mean if after just hanging around with me two times I hit a home run, that isn't the relationship I am looking for, I want something deeper. Not to say that it wouldn't be nice, but I want it to not only be nice but be right too. And I just want to keep a working record of the things that are going on and right now this is a very big thing, I like this girl and she likes me hopefully once I get to know her better I will be enamoured and she wills till be too. This will be something for awhile and I am grateful/hopeful/careful. I am just full. Peace.love.

May 8 2002

So we started cleaning the carpets in the house yesterday. Matt procured a steam cleaner from his uncle and we proceeded to clean BeeJays room. After that we started in on the basement and did half of that. We have been playing rummy, BeeJay and I, for the past week or so and we have a lot of points, up in the 6000's each. So we did that in between cleaning carpets and tonight I want to finish the basement and do my room. I was fired from work yesterday, again, by Joe. I don't know what he seems to accomplish by firing me because it only lasts the one day and I am on salary so it is like a day off. I don't try to piss him off on purpose so I get the day of, he is just an idiot sometimes and I let him know that when he is. I talked to Mary last night on the computer before I went to bed. I don't really know where things are going. This is the time when I usually get lost because I don't know how to further it. I mean, we have made out and we have talked and I know some stuff about her, and she knows some stuff about me and we have an amicable friends-that-kiss relationship. That isn't what it should be. It should be more than that, I think. It has potential. We need to go out and do stuff because if we get caught up in the same places it is always going to be the same thing and there will be no progress made of it. It will be sad and eventually she will turn tail and run because we never do anything but make out. I told her that I want to meet her friends so I can "be more in tune with who she is as a person". I think that made my intentions clearer. That I don't just want to kiss her, I want to know her and love her. I want to love people. I want out interaction to be so wonderful that it is even more than love but with all the benefits and acts of love. I am dreaming I know, and I also know that I have a lot of work to do to get that status, pinnacle, whatever it is. She said she would call me tonight after rehearsal. I don't know what she is rehearsing. And that is what I want to be in tune with, I want to know what she is saying on all levels when she just says that. I want to know from her saying she has rehearsal at 7 what she is doing there and how long she will be there and how much she likes it and how to talk to her afterwards, everything. Her telling me that last night, it just opened up more questions that I can ask her tomorrow after the fact and then store in memory banks of life. I don't know if we will actually do anything or jut talk on the phone, but either way would be better then talking to her on the computer—even though computer talk is the easiest. I want to work for this, because if it is just handed to me then I wont be as appreciative of the outcome. Whatever it may be.

May 9 2002

I really like taking showers. I think that it is the part of a day where one can wash away all of the negative feelings of that day. I know that isn't the reason for showers and I doubt that many people look at it that way, but in this society dirt is a bad thing, gotta dust, gotta clean, gotta wash, gotta shower. But there is more to it, probably something more than the physical water and soap hitting the body and washing away dirt. I am happy in the shower, I don't feel bad, I think of all the good things about the day and all the good things to come of the night. Some people may not think in the shower, and that is good too—no news is good news. Right? Anyway, I supposed to go out with Mary tonight, I didn't really know what to do and I called Diane to get some reinforcement, even though Diane isn't in a relationship and hasn't dated anyone for a long time, she could tell of a few night spots or fun spots, something. She basically validated one of my first date ideas which was going to the miniature golf in Valpo. So I will go ahead and give that a whirl. I want a talking/fun date. I am sure that I will kiss her, I stopped into her work the other day to say hi and I kissed her goodbye, so on a date with just the two of us, there will be some kissing, maybe more. I don't know. Anyway before I blow the whole thing thinking about it I am going to call her and see if she is okay with that (because, after all, she would have to drive to Valpo) and then go from there. Well, by the time we got to the mini golf it was too late to play and then we sort of drove around for a while. A long while. And that was as good as anything, we got some talking done and I really like this girl. We ended up back and my place and the making out ensued. But it was much much better than the last time, not because we did anything more, we actually did less physically. What happened was we would stop and talk and then start kissing again. And we talked a lot. She just left and it is 330 in the morning. Around one o clock we both went to bed and I set the alarm for her for three. So I am pretty happy with where things are going and I am looking forward to talking to her tomorrow. Maybe we will do something again, I don't know. We are not on the see each other every day schedule yet, not even on the talk to each other every day schedule yet. But we both want to be, I believe. Things are much brighter and I am much happier. At first I really didn't know what would come of it, because I wasn't being completely me and I am sure she wasn't being completely her and now we are becoming ourselves around each other. Starting to be more comfortable around each other, and I cant put into words how good this is starting to look, so I am going to stop trying and start sleeping.

May 10 2002

So as I realized what happened last night, today was a really good day. Mary stayed the night last night. That is significant. The first two times that we kissed I was under the influence. I had been drinking both times, all day. This time, there was no drinking, not even any smoking, and we made out and talked and just really clicked. I was and am really happy. It is great. It sort of reminds me of the Abby time, where I was under the influence and kissed her and then not and kissed her and then I really liked her and started telling everyone she was my girlfriend and it was great, that lasted about a week. If that. Because she turned out to be horrible, I should've just left it at kissing her. But then, if I had this wouldn't be…it would've changed the entire scope of everything that has happened since her, so in essence it was a good thing. And this time I am playing it more cool, I know this girl really digs me and I really dig her and we are just going to run with that. I am not trying to get anything, because I think if I wanted I could have already…especially last night. We were trying to seduce each other and neither of us knew how. That is kind of lame and I sort of feel inadequate that I cannot properly seduce a girl, but this is also always a learning experience and things are good, why mess them up? I just want to really get to know her and then go from there. And last night was a really big building block, because we didn't just talk and then make out and call it. We talked and made out and then talked and then slept together. Not sex, just in the same bed with arms around each other and it was nice, it was really good, I really like that kind of stuff, more so than the act of sex probably. Not saying that I don't want to have sex, I do, I like sex, but in a relationship I think it is more important to be able to be together without being physical all the time, to connect with each other on that cosmic level that say we are both people and as two people we click. And I totally feel that.

May 11 2002

I don't really know what went on last night, I was so tired. BeeJay started moving stuff in and Matt and Mandi showed up and helped him. Out of the blue Alex showed up after it was all over. Somewhere in the middle I made dinner for everyone. People say they like my food, but there isn't much to it…honestly being vegetarian is not hard at all you still afford all the comforts of taste and the ease of cooking. It is much harder to be vegan, to be always checking ingredients and stuff. I like being vegan more though, it is a challenge and I wish I could come back up to it. I don't think that Mary is a vegetarian and I haven't asked. But she knows I am and usually when a person that is vegetarian meets another person there is a bond there because they both live alternate lifestyles. She didn't mention anything about it so I don't think that she is. Or maybe my outlook is just wrong and because vegetarianism is so widespread now it isn't even a big deal. I don't know. Anyway, about last night again…after everything was said and done we started to watch Zoolander, which is horribly funny. I think at least. Alex came over in the middle beginning of it and after about twenty more minutes I was on the floor passed out and I woke up on the floor sometime in the middle of the night after everyone had left and went into my room to sleep. I don't know if anyone else showed up or what else happened, I don't know why I wasn't rousted from my sleep when they left. And then miraculously this morning I woke up at eight o’clock still. I really wanted to sleep later and I couldn't. Damn sleep schedule. Oh, and I cut my hair yesterday. Hah. Yeah, my Dad was giving me shit saying that I scare people because I had long hair and it has been going on for awhile, I got tired of it and I cut it. That isn't all of the reason though. I have talked about the way some people view hair, that it holds all their memories and happenings in their life and when you cut it, it is also severing ties with all that memory pent up in the hair. I got rid of a year or so there. So in effect I am sort of making way for new memories. Also last night Mandi said that she liked my hair before because I never had split ends or anything and that I must've kept really good care of it. I didn't. Honestly, all I ever did was run water through it. I used shampoo on it maybe once a month and never conditioned it. Because I wanted it to be stringy and twisted, I wanted dreadlocks. But that is sort of in line with the memory-hair thought. I don't know how exactly, but it can be something like the split ends are memories that need to be gotten rid of, or a certain amount of stress in life that is cracking the memories of the past. Something spiritual, something bigger than just cutting your hair. I like to think of it that way. Peace.love.

May 12 2002

I don't really like mother's day. The first thing that went on was when my brother called me to come over to his house. He told me to stop and get a card from the Walgreen’s. I had already tried card shopping and none of them embody my mother at all. They say, "to the greatest mom ever", or "remember all the things you did for me/us", or "you taught me so much" or "you always remember ___ so how could I forget ___" that isn't my mother at all. We will get to that later though. My brother told me I had to get a card, because it is a card holiday how economically driven, eh? The holiday is just so people can spend money. Great, nothing new. So I got a card, and it was the plainest card I could find, not mentioning anything about anything that a mother could do or generally (or is it perfectly) would do, it just said have a happy mothers day. And it said please. When she opened the card there was little emotion, what I was going for. Then we went to a seafood restaurant. I am a vegetarian, have been about two years now. Everyone that I know pretty much knows this, it isn't a secret at all. But, of course, the first thing my mom has to start asking is "so are you going to eat fish" "no, mom, fish is meat, I have been vegetarian for two years, I don't eat meat" "well couldn't you just today" "no" "well I don't consider fish meat" "that's great, I do". I was turned off to eating at all, I sat there had a beer and then sat more. It was horrible. I don't like meat and therefore do not eat it, but I like seafood even less…the smell just bugs me. I had to breathe through my mouth the entire time. I was sitting in the window seat looking out at the horribly dreary day and just wishing I could be somewhere else, wishing I was on a road looking out a car window and seeing some other kid looking out the window of the seafood restaurant. I went outside to have a cigarette when their main course came. No way was I going to be able to watch these people rip through their meat with a wafting smell and spatter contacting me. I am generally not so turned off to anything, but I was in an especially bad mood after she started in about me being vegetarian, that is why those cards don't work because my mom doesn't remember those things and she doesn't care about them, about my choices. The day my parents got divorced was a good day. For most kids that day is the wealth of therapy. Everyone was happy, I didn't have to be around my mom all the time, my parents were much happier apart and because of it I became who I am. I asked Mary what makes her happy and she said some things and then she reciprocated the question and I replied "everything". She started the nitpick, asking things like "war makes you happy" "death makes you happy" etc. On the surface, it doesn't, but honestly it does. I tried to explain and I am so bad at explaining my thoughts it must've come out wrong. I said that although the act of war is something I am against, I cannot stop a war and therefore it does no justice to be pissed off and angry about it. I will never support it, but as it is happening I cannot be angry I can only be happy with the thought that "ain't nothing meant to last forever, so this struggling and this suffering ain’t gonna last forever" (TuPac). Because war will one day cease and the actions of the past will be viewed and eventually it will become clear that they can solve nothing long term, and short term, they can only cause pain. And take anything that anyone would ever not be happy about and filter it through that and there is the reason that everything makes me happy. Even today, I don't like it, but it makes me happy. Although I have to sit through a hell of a lunch (and pay) it makes me happy that those around me are enjoying themselves. (and although I know that my reservations to immediate enjoyment were widely noted, that should be no deterrent for anyone to enjoy themselves…basically, don't base yourself on other people) In saying that, any enjoyment that may have been lost because of my dislike of the situation is that persons problems. It sounds shitty, I know, but honestly it isn't. It is hard to explain and as I have already noted I would probably make it worse by trying, so I wont. Take it for face value, what the words pay it and that is what you get...think about it for awhile and she the truth in it and that is what I see. Maybe I was born with a defective set of eyes or something. I just don't know.

May 13 2002

Regardless of what happened yesterday, last night more than made up for it. It was amazing on one hundred different levels, more than I can even comprehend. After the Crab Shack fiasco Mary came over. I was napping because lately I have had an irregular sleeping schedule. She came over and woke me up we chatted for awhile and then went to see Spiderman the movie. It was an okay movie…I am holding out for Star Wars. After the movie we went around looking for a tea house because I really wanted a cup of tea. After not finding one (duh) we came back to my house and Matt and Mandi and BeeJay were watching the Big Lebowski. One of the funniest and best made movies I have ever seen. We caught the last fifteen minutes and them BeeJay immediately put in True Romance. Another great movie. We watched that and then Matt and Mandi left. After an odd pulse throughout the room with BeeJay and Mary and I, BeeJay went to bed. Then Mary and I slowly started to make out in the living room. Eventually we made it into the bedroom. I don't know how late we were up, but it was a naked night. And we talked a lot about relationships and where we want to go with them…not about ours specifically because that still needs to be skirted around. And we made out finding out about one another slowly. Fucking wonderful. Nakedness ensued and I went downstairs. I hadn't been down there for many years. Needless to say I was very nervous. After that was over we made out again hardcore and she was motioned for the entrance of my tooter into her pooter. So I asked "Do I need to employ my friend the condom" covering two bases. One to see if she was on birth control and two to see where we were standing. And she said she wanted to talk about it. And finally I got to quote Salt'N'Pepa! "Lets talk about sex, baby, lets talk about you and me, lets talk about all the good things and the bad things that can be." We didn't end up having sex. I expressed to her the fact that I didn't expect things to go so far so fast, I wanted to move slower and get to know her as a person first. Not that I didn't want to have sex with her, man oh man, did I ever. But the thing was that she wasn't ready, she wanted too, but I think she wanted to test me to see what kind of guy I was. To see if I am only out for that wealth of thigh gold. I am not, not at all. We made out and slowly fell asleep together naked. It was great. I love sleeping and waking up with people, and especially her. One problem that I seem to have is the boner problem. From the first kiss to the hour I left for work I was rock solid. I couldn't help it, I didn't want to be, but that is how it was and she noticed. In the evening and in the morning when I got up to feed the cat, and when I put on my work pants and she kept looking to see if it was still there until she left. I don't know how to take that. She turns me on in so many ways I cannot help being erotically stimulated. The morning was nice except for my little viagra overdose. I am not really on viagra, but that is what it seemed like. She was dressed by the time I had gotten back from feeding the cat, about 90 seconds. I wouldn't have minded laying there naked all morning with her. I don't know, people say that I am a sap because of that kind of stuff, because I am just not aggressive enough, but I am when I need to be. This situation isn't about aggression, it is about looking into what is going on and going from there. This could really be a great thing and me fucking it up isn't the desired result. So we will see. I have good vibes about the future though.

May 14 2002

I got the package from Steve today and it was good. Many good pictures. It made me happy. Mary called twice, once at work and once around nine. Around nine she wanted me to go to Bennigans and I really couldn't, and not only that I didn't want too. She wanted me to meet her friends and I wanted to meet them, but tonight wasn't the night, tonight was the night where I needed to sit with my long friends and talk, hang out, drink some beer. Sort of lose myself and not really think about anything. It helped. Tat is probably why I don't have much to write about now, huh? True. So I am going to call it and hopefully I will get more sincere and true and writeful tomorrow (writeful means full of writing), whatever.

May 16 2002

Well, it happened last night. Number two. While Joe was out seeing Star Wars and Matt and Mandi were making out and BeeJay was in his room, Mary and I had sex. I don't even know exactly what to think about it. I didn't really want to have sex, it wasn't the furthest thing from my mind, but it wasn't number one either. I think Melissa and I dated for a good few months before we went the distance. I have known Mary for about three weeks I would say. And this is only like the third or fourth time that we have even hung out together. Maybe my memory is bad, I don't know. Things are just moving very quickly and it has been said that the faster things move the faster they end. Like in Zen, as more people gained interest in science the truths quickly wore out and new ones came in place. Not like this is anything like science, well it is a little. Relationships are a science, but more based to the edge of chaos theory than anything else. And like chaos theory, the more I think about this relationship the more I don't know, the more my mind is muddled and the less I want to think about it. I don't understand Mary. When we talk it is me doing all the work, she is just another voice. I want something more out of a dedicated girlfriend. I don't know what I mean by that exactly, but I don't just want a girl to bring home and have sex with and wake up to the next morning, I want this girl to be intriguing and like meeting new people, not be afraid to say anything or even call me. Mary was afraid to call me after our first few dates. She is still nervous around me and that makes me sort of think that what is happening is a reaction to her nervousness and her thinking what I want. Her way of trying to seduce me into loving her, but like she said herself I "am like no other guy she has met". I really am not totally normal, the things I do and say and believe and the actions that come of it are all so new and exciting to me that I couldn't think of being classified by anyone. Things are funny to me because they click with a past experience and I have a varied past. There are a lot of people that don't understand, and most of the time I don't have what it takes to explain it. Honestly, the only person that can truly understand is Steve, because he has nearly all of the experiences I have and probably more. And Mary has never left Merrillville. She isn't happy being stuck in this circle known as the region, but powerless to do anything about it. And I am not the person to force people into a power situation with their own life. I wanted to before but that quickly faded with NY and Tiffany. I don't want to just ride out this situation because I can have sex with this girl, I want to ride it out because I am getting something more from it. I will see what comes of it and where it goes. So I went to see Star Wars tonight. I liked the movie, it tells the story very well. I went with Matt and BeeJay met us there. Ironically, when we sat down right across from us were Mary’s friends from Starbucks. Hah. So we had a talk, and Matt did most of the talking. One of the things that irks me about Mary is that she doesn't talk. Now after being in a relationship with someone and knowing them so well to where your thoughts don't need to justified with words is one thing, but we barely know each other. Last night the first thing I asked her after we had sex was her last name. It was funny at the moment, but also very eye-opening. We know very little about each other and she just isn't very open about herself. She can write it off as being clinically depressed, yay. But what good does that do? I don't like having that kind of excuse, some professional excuse. I want to be honest with what I am thinking and feeling. It is hard because I feel that if I bring anything up that she will use that out of being depressed. How can a person deal with that. I feel good about having sex with her, it is something that I really needed. It had been somewhere around three years. That is a long time. But as I previously stated, I don't want to be with her merely for sex, I want something more. And right now, from this viewpoint I cannot get it. Having sex in a relationship, before knowing someone, focusing the relationship on sex (I think). And I really don't want to be focusing on sex. That isn't what I need. And the problem here is that I probably wont say anything about it. I don't want to hurt her. What I want to do is stop making out and having sex with her and begin to focus on her problems and getting to know her and then move back into having sex. But, the problem there that I had in a previous relationship (with the first Abby) is that regressing sexually seems to close things off mentally. Because it makes the other person feel undesirable. I don't know how to go about it, it is a learning experience. I hope that I am not the only one learning. I guess I need to get her alone and just have this talk, I will detail the talk now: Listen, we had sex the other night, great. Sex isn't my goal, I don't look at that as the pinnacle. I want more so to know you as a person. I want to find out who you are and then continue with a relationship. Because, right now I see the relationship as a sexual endeavour…only. This doesn't mean that I don't like you, more so it is saying that I don't know you enough to know if I really like you and want to walk this path with you so far to where when we have to break paths that someone is hurt. I don't want to see anyone hurt and I think that right now we should just focus on who we each are as individuals and how those two individuals will form into two people in a relationship. I want to know more about you. And then she can start to say "what do you want to know" and that is a stumper. Because I want to know everything. And I really want to learn it all naturally, not a badgering sessions of twenty questions. And I am doing my part. Matt said she is a non-talker. And he is right, because I have to ask most of the questions, she seems ambivalent towards who I am as a person…or maybe she is just scared to see who I am. I really don't know either way. What I do know is that I don't want to just be here for nothing, I want to know what is going on and where we are going. So I can continue or end now before anyone gets hurt. And then I can continue to pursue my search for that girl. That girl. I haven't talked about that girl in a long time. That girl is the ideal, someone who is beautiful and vegetarian and I click with on so many levels and she likes to do all the things I do and I like all the things she does and everything is wonderful. And I also like this girl that works at the cigarette shop. She is beautiful. And she talks to me, asks me questions and I ask her questions. Next time I am there I will find out her name. And that will go from there. And if things look brighter there then they do here, then I will force the talk. I don't know what I am talking about right now at all. And that is understandable. I will just live life for right now and let things flow and not be so worried. I am still young.

May 17 2002

Sometimes when I wake up, I look around my room and wonder where I am. Because there are so many places I would like to be, I would love to just wake up in a different place every day and have to wonder where I was all the time. But, after a moment of inspection I know exactly where I am and what I need to do. I would rather awake without needing to do anything, with pure desire to do something. That was how it was on the bike trip. Down the coast of California, we had nothing that needed to be done, merely things we wanted to do, things we desired. Everywhere else I had to wake up and go to work, ughh. And here too, I have to go to work. It seems to me that because work is such a disgusting task to many people it should be redesigned to benefit all the joys a person has. Right now I am building a wall in my basement and that is work, but if I had to wake up and do that I would be more excited because it would be work that I desired to do. This work that I have been going to every morning everywhere is just to get by in the world of economics. I think there are a lot of people that love to do something and would be much happier if what they loved to do was also what they were doing. And as loves changed so would what they are doing, an amorous exchange inside the idea of work. Misnomer. It probably wont happen, but we can always hope. And for right now I will go to that job and do the work I am scheduled to do and keep my mouth shut. But it wont be that way forever.

May 22 2002

So I was driving today and I saw a Winnebago. I thought that the driver was Francisco. Francisco from Olympia, and with that thought everything came flooding back. Everything from around Francisco's time at least, his stories, his poetry, Lillian, Rachel, Frank and the other Francisco. Francisco was one of the best people I had met, he taught me a lot, without even thinking about it. He told me stories about hiking the Olympic Mountains, about living in his Winnebago, about not paying taxes for the last twenty odd years, about not seeing his family, about life. And Rachel was there for a lot of it. Rachel was a girl that I met at the coffee shop, she was 18 and amazing. She dug Francisco as much as I did and we all stayed up for long hours just talking. Francisco was a permanent structure at the coffee shop for awhile, he was there when I got there and there when I left. He wasn't there 100% of the time, he left and came back a lot. He was always there for open mic night when it was usually just me and him and Lillian and a couple random people. He taught me a lot about poetry style and how to read it. He taught that to Lillian too, and she got more out of it. He also taught me how to play chess, I am not good at chess, but he taught me how to be better. He was just an all around great person and I imagine meeting him somewhere totally unexpected and if I saw him I would repay his graciousness with gratitude tenfold. I would really like to meet him again, but Frank told me he only came around once every couple years. He is a traveler, a true nomad and I respect him for that. His life is hard and mine is easy, comparatively. Pretty much everyone's is. But again, it is the life that he chose for himself. And that would be a path that I would like to endeavour too, one day. Sometimes I think that experiences I have had are similar to his, but it a totally different way. Because everything is different. And I guess I just long for those fun filled days of Olympia where everything was beautiful and new and everything I learned was important and everything that has become of that knowledge I cherish. Cherish is the word, cherish me as much as I cherish you. Whatever. So that was the thing of the day, memories. Sweet and watercolored. Longing. Distant sun pushing me away. Waiting. For the day the moon rises and I can gain some ground. Always being.

May 28 2002

Yeah and I don't even know what is going on. The past week has definitely been an odd one. With having a girl around, it sort of clouds my judgment. Like I don't know what I want out of the situation. I don't really feel anything for this girl, like I don't see much of a future with the two of us. It is sad, because I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I am with this girl kind of and I don't really have feelings for her, I like her, but she doesn't talk to me really at all, she just wants to do sexual things and although it is nice to do sexual things, it isn't really what I am looking for in a female relationship. I would want it to be a part, but more of a secondary role to mental enlightenment. And with her not talking to me at all, with her always being nervous around me, and using that as an excuse for not having anything to say, it is just wrong. I think it is wrong to be with a person for solely sexual reasons. There are other girls that I like, and I don't know if it is reciprocal but if it is then that would be a better situation, and if it isn't it would still be a better situation. Because I would rather not be with anyone than lie to myself. Or to anyone for that matter. So we will see what comes of this situation. And if nothing, then we will see what comes of other situations. I don't know, I want to have a strong female role in my life. I just want to have someone that totally intrigues me and makes me think and gives me new things to think about and we make true lasting memories together. I guess it is kind of a sappy thing, but what of it? And work is tough, we are tearing down and rebuilding chimneys three or four times a week. It makes me tired and not wanting to do anything else but rest in the evening and this kind of girl doesn't understand that. So. And money is tight around me I am barely scraping by (but that should change soon) and from now on I guess I will just turn things around and put myself in the situation that is most beneficial for me and see what happens (basically see if I know what is beneficial for me). And I will try to write more but I just don't go online that much anymore. And I will try to send out this mix cd that I am supposed to make for this other girl…that's Moni. And I will try to just make myself happy all the time again. Yeah Yeah. Peace. Love.

May 29 2002

I get so many confusing looks from people when I am talking to them. The things I say I think are so clear and true that it would be hard for someone to not understand them. But I guess it could be really hard because I don't really don't how to describe the way I look at relationships with other people. In any sense. Be it with a girl a guy your family, whatever, a relationship…two people interacting with each other regularly. The way I usually say it is that I don't put myself into situations that aren't beneficial for me, and I think that is something that could throw people off because that sounds superbly selfish, and in a sense it is. But in the context that I use it which may not be exactly correct, it totally makes sense. And today I came up with an analogy to describe it. The way I look at a relationship is sort of the way I think of people that go to church regularly and pray. I think these people pray because they are looking for some higher being to teach them the ways that they know not, to guide them through rough times, to help them grow as a person. To benefit themselves, they pray. Any relationship I get myself into I look for someway that I can benefit from it, because it would be somewhat, actually mostly, useless if there isn't mutual gain. So I guess I would say that Life is my god and the singularity is my goal. In my own way, whether it is conscious or not, I put myself into situations that will benefit me one way or another. And when it ceases to benefit me (this is where it starts to sound selfish) I get myself out of it. I read a book before called Conversations with God, about a conversation the writer had with God. And God told him that people need to be more selfish, that is okay and natural to be selfish and I don't think that I am taking it to far. I wouldn't feel bad if someone got into a relationship with me and I ceased to intrigue them ceased to help them ceased to benefit them and they terminated the relationship. It would make sense to me. Because I am out for a higher goal and along the way there are bumps (and sometimes grinds...uh-uh) and those bumps are lessons learned, are things that were previously unknown or at least not understood. Mary says that I am not giving her a chance. But, in reality, I think that she has nothing but chances because I force nothing on her and keep the entire situation wide open. For her to get her chance she merely needs to act on it. I think I am helping her get through some issues, I don't know for sure, because I don't really know anything, but I think that I am. I am hard-up for how I am benefiting. That sounds really bad, I know. But I am searching. I am really trying in my own unique way. I really don't think that the situation that we are in right now is mutually beneficial, like I think that we should reduce our relationship to the point of being completely just friends. We talk and that is it. Last night she asked me what kind of girl she is and I told her that she reminded me of Tiffany. And it is so true, now that I really think it through. What is Tiffany? Tiffany is a young girl becoming her own woman and getting tripped up on the way. She tries to give guys what she thinks they want and in the end dicks herself over because she wasn't being true to herself. I know I have written in before, but for the sake of repeating myself, I will. When I first went out to NY to live with her she wanted to have a romantic relationship and I was very against it for a number of reasons. Those reasons aren't important now because after I told her my intentions she understood and we became amazing friends. I could pick up on her anywhere and things would be like yesterday. Tiffany is also a feminist, very active in her mind, struggling in her efforts. And I can see that it would be hard for a young woman with hard to express ideals to constantly be happy. I can see that it is harder for women with less than widely accepted ideals than men, because that puts them into two minority groups. So it isn't like I don't understand, it is more like I have already been through it except this time I opted for the first choice of a romantic relationship and it turns out that I was right the first time because how I am and Tiffany or Mary is our two personalities don't click or combine together to form a solid whole related being. Basically we don't become a good romantically involved couple. So this may be like I am not giving Mary a chance, but I am, just not a chance a becoming my special lady. More so girl that is a friend. And this doesn't mean that I feel less for her, I still like her and still want to get to know her, but I just don't think that we should be anything more than friends. I don't know, it feels like I am underexplaining this, but it looks like over explanation. So now my task is to figure out a way to break this to her without also hurting her. That will be hard, because I just don't know how but we will see. I cant do it tonight, though, because she is at an Incubus concert and if I told her afterward that would take her great day down to less than great and that isn't good. And she read what I wrote yesterday. I don't know if that was a fluke or if she has been reading a lot often. I guess I will find out if I get a phone call tonight…Peace.Love.

May 30 2002

Yeah, I look at life with two wide eyes focused on hope. Hope that things will look the way my mind sees them one days. Hope that there can be that mind-eye correlation to see things the same way and be true. Hope that I find what I am looking for. When I left Santa Barbara to come back here I had it written in my diary, reasons for coming back. I wanted to read books that have been stacked in my mind and shelved in such a way that it is hard to read all the titles, I wanted to write about experiences in such a way that it would be clear and the lessons would be easy to understand and the truth actually be that. And I wanted to play Nintendo. That doesn't look in place. Basically what had happened was stress eating me away, too much coming in at once flooding me and me not being able to register it not being able to deal with it and I was thinking rather darkly. I thought reading the books would help me to see a path of light and writing the stories would help me remember it all and control the flow, and playing Nintendo would help me to forget about everything and I could just try to think normal again. Start to feel normal again. It took me a long time. I feel much different now than when I was leaving Santa Barbara. It is hard to explain and rationalize the feelings that I had and the thoughts that accompanied them. And I wont even try, I will rest on the knowledge that I have worked through it and trying to explain it wouldn't benefit me in any way. So that is that. I feel that right now, in my life, I am doing what I came here to do. And once I finish what I have come here to do I can go back out into the world and see what this downtime, this thinking time, this resting time, this looking back time has accomplished for me. I think it has done wonders. Not that I usually feel negative, but I am feeling more positive as I mark more things off of the list of things I want to accomplish. Long or short term. So, that being said, I have high hopes for my future with what I can do and what I want to do. I feel that this life can only produce good things and my simple role in the singularity is enough to make me shine on. Peace.Love.

June 3 2002

So I think that I know what I came here to accomplish finally and I think that I have a decent bead on accomplishing that. I think I may have overstayed my welcome here. I mean, things are starting to get complicated. Life was never like this in Oly or NY. Or Santa Barbara but life was never like it was in SB, for sure. In NY I had a few friends and I just learned and grew from them. I didn't do too much else. Every Friday night I would go to the pub down the street with those few friends and we would drink Guinness. Every Sunday we would take a day trip to the city go have lunch someplace new and walk around, buy stuff at St Marks. Little stuff. During the week I would go into town and sit on a bench or outside the Coffee House and read a book. Or write one. It was a quaint town and when I sat out in public people would stop and say hello, mostly people that knew me from the store. Sometimes Brendan or other cops would drive by and stop and talk to me for awhile. Tell me cop stuff and chat. After work I would usually grab my journal and walk to the school and sit somewhere around there listening to the rich college kids and their rich careless lives and write about pain. Very little would I talk to them though. Once, only once, I went to the dorms at the school and drank with the students. Not much fun, I just don't fit in well in a college atmosphere…odd man out I guess. In Oly I would work and write eat fruit go to the Farmers Market sit at the coffee shop, ride the buses to Lacey or just around town. Ride my bike, sit in the park with the FNB people. Go to Oly World News and read magazines, go to the library and type some stuff up, go eat at the Voyeur, walk around the pier. Little stuff, I would just enjoy life. Here is very different. There isn't much life to enjoy and I tell myself (and other people) that the life is around them if they want to find it, but more and more I am disbelieving that. Maybe it is because I have spent so much time here. It seems easier here, but much more boring. And that boredom translates into stupidity. When one is bored they do stupid things to entertain themselves. So I am going to finish the few things I need too (finish this Nintendo game and then call it quits on Nintendo for another few years, finishing typing my journals, and maybe buy a pickup truck but that isn't something that I need to do…oh and I need to finish these last few books), and then see what I feel like after that and maybe fly away. Maybe disappear. Maybe do absolutely nothing. I want to go back to NY for a week and Olympia for a week, reminisce retrospect live the past for a moment and then from those flashbacks choose my destiny. Even though it will probably have been decided before I even left, it would be mostly decided by which place I decided to visit first. Anyway, my life is starting to look very bright, with new horizons and great knowledge to be revealed. Love life and it loves you back. Be life and well, you truly live. Peace.love.

June 6 2002

The music of Billy Bragg does wonders for me. It lifts my mood just like taking a shower. And I am not even listening to it right now. I don't know, I work long long hours and don't get paid much for the skills that I have or the hours I put in or anything. That is what you get when you work for your dad. I have been wanting to do so many things with my spare time lately, so many expansion of life things, like meeting new people, only on a higher level. I come find, however, that my spare time is about an hour a day. Sad, huh. I get up at 6 in the morning got to work at eight and come home around eight. I check my email, sometimes write in my diary, shower, sometimes eat, and then I go to bed. My free time is used in the computer. That is kind of the direction that things are headed though, I think. Like, people can live only through their computers. And that is kind of scary, and a little sad, because human interaction, interaction in general, is the basis of growing as a person. You can read every book and hear everything from outside sources, and still going out in the world would be a task, because everything cannot be known. I don't know, I just think that things are swinging down on the chart of life. It is taking a dip. I see it and I don't like it, but who am I to change the peoples will? I just need to try to live my life and those that I touch may or may not take the hint, grab and latch onto an example to lead their own lives. I guess I am just hoping, but it feels good to think that things don't have to be like this. It feels good to think that I don't need to be afraid of people, because they are my next of kin, my brothers and sisters. We are all one people and I guess once that is realized en mass things will look different. Until then, I am still hoping…

June 8 2002

So I went to see a show last night, the seventh. I just got back, it is like 130 in the morning right now and I just wanted to write about how good it was. Steve told me to go see This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb, and they were the first act. They are amazing. Kind of like my new favorite band. Folk punk rock. Need I say more? Anyway, I walked away from there with a 12" from them. And I also saw The Devil Is Electric…which I went there to see. And they are amazing. One of the first things I did when I got back here was cook vegan soup for Nick and Heidi at their benefit show. The Devil Is Electric played there and I talked to the bass player and developed a crush on her. So while they were playing I was mainly focusing on her. She is amazing. Too bad she is dating the guitar player and she lives in Bloomington. Not like Bloomington is all that far, but you know, I just want to downplay this thing. Because it is just a thing. I have much realer options. But while I was at the Fireside Bowl seeing this show I was filled with past memories of that place. When I first started going there, when I was seventeen, it was great. They used to have this side room by the stage that was a corridor with lockers on the sides and it is closed off now, but I remember when I made out in that corridor. That was nice. I remembered all the people that I met there and even developed relationships with, the bad things that happened. I remembered the ominous marker fight that Steve and I had there listening to Operation Cliff Clavin while waiting to see MU330 for the second time that night. I remembered getting into an accident on the way to the Fireside with BeeJay to see Slapstick last two shows as Slapstick. That was a great time. And all the other times I was there to see random bands it is just a great place with so much history and not only for me. And I was also thinking about punk rock music in general. It seems that good punk rock bands, true, are following a common suit. Three piece, male guitar player, female bass player, and drummer. It is a good combo. That is how both of these bands were. And they were both great. I guess I cant think of anymore, but thinking of that made me think of why I even like this stuff. It is Tiffany. She really turned me on too feminist culture and got me deep into it, and I look back on the stupid things I said before I got into it and I laugh and scoff at myself. It is a ha-ha laughter. Like I cant believe I said that. But, whatever. The Sissies who are now broken up were a great band, they had the bass player in Hannah (who is also the bass player on the Devil Is Electric), and this amazing sound. Girl rock. Tiffany got me into it with Bikini Kill and Kathleen Hanna. Olympia solidified it with Ladyfest and Bratmobile and Sleater-Kinney and Spider Nomy Lamm, all kinds of influence. I don't know where I am going with this, but it is amazing how I used to listen to Crass and Op Ivy and Rancid and Subhumans and jam out to the sound and lyrics and just get lost. Now when I hear that stuff it is more reminiscence. Now it is this sound of folk punk rock, Fifteen, Kathleen Hanna, Billy Bragg. I don't know, maybe when all those people said I was just going through a phase and I was going to grow out of it, maybe they were right. I did grow out of that phase, into a similar one that isn't accepted any more than the previous but makes me feel more astute, more in tune. I guess I am growing and learning and the world is a wonderful place and I love it. Peace. Love.

June 9 2002

So I had people over last night. Not many, it was Pat Colorado, Diane Eli Aimee Dave Jeanine?(Daves girlfriend…) Katie and Ashley (BeeJays friends) Nick and Heidi, and Mandi (Matt’s Girlfriend) brought over three friends. Sarah Laura and Rose. Rose. That is the issue here. About a year and a half ago I started talking to Rose on Spark Match…from Spark.com. We always talked about meeting but never did, and when the site went down I don't remember when it was, we stopped talking. Originally Mandi was supposed to bring this girl Carol that she wanted me to "meet". She couldn't come, but she made up for it with these other girls and, boy was it worth it. Halfway through the night Rose said she wasn't into to guys so I started hitting on her friend Sarah, nothing big, for some reason the French kissed and I was there so I also French kissed Sarah. I wanted to kiss Rose too, but that was when she said she wasn't into guys. Then People started leaving and I had to mingle more and stoke up the remaining party. So I left Rose to be with the people in the living room while I was outside with the people by the fire. Sarah was asleep in my bed by this time. When I got back in Rose was shouting at people and there was this big argument people seemed really pissed off. I kind of thought it was funny, because why would you get pissed off at a friendly get-together? Anyway, I was asked to chill her out so I took her in my room and started to calm her down. That was probably two o'clock in the morning. It was an intense conversation. I can have good conversation anytime, just as long as someone wants too. Most of the time I don't force my beliefs on people I just kind of go with the flow and try not to disrupt by interjecting with philosophy or anything. I don't like to do that because it makes me feel like I am on a pedestal and that I have to teach people. People can learn if they want too. And I think she wanted too. We were just talking about important things for a good two hours, because she didn't leave until after four. And I loved it. I really dig this girl, because she was fire. If she didn't get pissed off and let her emotions flow I probably would've disregarded her as a cute young girl that digs other girls and instead of putting myself into a Chasing Amy just step off. And she doesn't really dig girls that much I don't think, I think she was just saying that because I was coming on to her strong (I think, I was drinking and sometimes when I drink I don't remember everything that I do…revise that, even when I am not drinking I don't remember everything I do). So Anyway, we might be doing something today, I didn't want her to leave last night, but she did. And there was very little sexual innuendo, I wanted to kiss her I am pretty sure I made that very clear by telling her that. And she said no. That is two points there too. Because she didn't just say no, she said "what does a kiss mean to you?". Man. If that isn't what a guy needs to hear, I don't know then, because although I wasn't thinking that it made me think about things she just stimulated my brain and it was great. Yeah, okay, I am done now. Peace.Love.

June 10 2002

So if I ever meet a girl that is vegetarian I think that will be my downfall. I don't what it is, but I am putting myself into situations with girls a lot right now. More so than ever before. And if Mary were vegetarian it would've been amazing, if Rose is oh my god…Karen, then there is no tomorrow. But that is a complication. See, I don't like to complicate my life, I like to keep it simple…and I will write a little about simplicity: a bike, a few dollars, a dream. Now throw beautiful smart girls into the mix, that I have to be on guard. See, I don't think I have ever met a girl that I was really into that was also vegetarian or vegan (which is a high regard on my list, not the all determining factor, but still way up there) the closest I came was Rachel in Olympia. But she was really young, and not even vegetarian…she just really wanted to be and she would try so hard around me at least and it was cute. But there is a complication, she was using me to attain a goal thus making me feel like a statue. I don't want to be a statue, I want to be pliable and changing and I want to surprise people. I don't want to have people grabbing at my pantlegs and asking for help. I guess this could be my conceit coming out, but it is just the way I see things. I don't call people on the phone that I don't know. I mean I will when I first meet them because I am always on the lookout for something new and amazing, but after a while I just sort of stop calling. It isn't hate or dislike at all. It is just that I have my few core friends and I am happy with it. If I meet someone that totally rocks my world then there you go I would do anything to be around them more and more and get the get to know you stuff out of the way so we could be serene together. I don't know what I am talking about, I guess it is just another one of those thoughts that translate horrible into the written word. I was in bed just now and I got out because I was thinking this and I wanted to type it. I guess I should've let this one go. Maybe not, this could be a trial of explanation. I have a feeling that I want to express and I fail the trial if I fail to express it properly. My thought is that I am confusing myself with what I want. In the words of Billy Bragg "I don't want to change the world, I am not looking for a new England, I am just looking for another girl". I don't how true that is, but I am just looking for that girl, the one that totally meets everything that I have ever wanted in a mate. And my thoughts are all in line with that, not with changing the world, the world, when it is ready, will change itself. Change comes about through will and as long as I have that will once it the allocated amount of will is collected the world will change itself. I am doing my part by thinking true thoughts, at least thoughts that are true to myself. Whatever. So I am confused about what I am doing, because I am playing this coy game. I am not just busting out and saying to this girls, hey listen here is what I want and if you cant offer that and more then too bad. And the reason I am not saying that is because of the thought you had when you read it. Because it sounds horrible and it is untrue. The way I like to work through things is either direct confrontation in an unoffensively aggressive way or beating around the bush. Dropping hints and asking questions that to me will answer the question I really want to ask. So I am not…I don't know where that thought was going. Anyway. Here is the thing, people say I am an asshole because of the way I deal with things, and that is fine, they may be right. It is all opinion. The way I see it is that there are things I want to attain and I am trying to do that. I am sure I confuse an awful lot of people on the way and piss a few off, but it gets the job done. And I am done because I am starting to talk true nonsense and I think I just do this so I can laugh at myself later. I don't mind being laughed at, it teaches humility which is something that is needed. Just as long as a person can explain their reason for the laughter, because if they cant then no one is growing there, it is just creating nervous tension. Complications. And who wants that? Peace.Love.

June 11 2002

I think that I surprise people often. The people that know me sometimes have these preconceived notions, they think that they know who I am before they even try. I get around. Not sexually, sexually I have only been with two people. I get around like spiritually, I guess. I get into things and feel them. Feel them out, see what they are and understand them first, learn them second. I think that there are many people out there that try to learn things before they understand them. It is quicker that way, because you can rely on the preconceived notions I was talking about and you can also go with what someone else says and bypass the experimental processes of understanding. I like to do it backwards, I don't always, but I like too. I like to take the long way and understand what a thing is and how it works and then learn the thing, the situation, the person, whatever. It is hard because mass thought is opposite and therefore it catches people off guard and makes them defensive and/or scared. My brother and I had a long talk the other day and he said that I have a violently twisted view of the world. That the things I think are so out of whack with anything, popular thought, leftist thought, conservative thought, that I really don't know anything. He was trying to undercut me but it made me feel good. Good that he doesn't see me as just another person. Good that to at least one person I am completely original. I know that I am not, I know the things that are and aren't and where they come from and why I employ them, whatever. Basically his insults make me feel better about myself. And as far as understanding before learning, it might be hard to understand, but some things are just that way. I also told my brother that I think I would have been better off if I wasn't forced to go to school when I was younger because I think that the things I understand are not the type of things that they teach in factories, I feel very disassociated with the schooling system. Just a personal view. And then my brother said "things are as good as they are going to get so get used to it and get in line" I blew up on him. I started screaming at the top of my lungs (and I don't do this often) "you don't think that things can change for the better, you fucking think that things now are as good as they can get, you truly believe that there is no change, that nothing can change and grow" and blah blah blah. I think that was the equivalent to a knockout body check in hockey. He was sort of quiet for a moment and then he pulled himself together and said "that is not what I think, I think the world can change and get better, I just don't think that you can help it". I ended it there. That is what he thought and therefore nothing I could say to him could sway him, he becomes blacklisted as someone beyond hope. There are a few other people on that list, like Dennis Bolda. But that is the only one I can remember. So lets just say now there are two. And I got the new Eminem album. Amazing, truly brilliant stuff. Out of the fifteen songs on there at least five are classic, things that I would put on to compilation cds for people that I really like. And that is the reason that I started this because the people that know me don't see me as someone that would get into Eminem, actually I have owned every one of his cds this one I bought the day it came out. But Eminem is the kind of thing that I really really get into, I mean he bashes MTV left and right and they invite him to their movie awards to perform a song that bashes MTV, he kind of brings out the stupidity in the world, and I think it is funny. But I am going to highlight a few lyrics that explain why I dig what he says and you can take it for what its worth.

WHITE AMERICA
America! We love you! How many people are proud to be citizens of this beautiful country of ours? The stripes and the stars for the rights that men have died for to protect / The women and men who have broke their necks for the freedom of speech the United States government has sworn to uphold. Or so we are told --

I must've struck a chord with someone up in the office, cuz congress keeps telling me I ain’t causin nuthin but trouble /and now they’re saying I'm in trouble with the government, I'm lovin it, I shoveled shit all my life/ and now I’m dumping it on White America --

and the chorus says "little Eric looks just like this" and I think he is referring to Eric Klebold, from the Columbine shootings, he has rapped about him before. And at the end he says "Fuck you Tipper Gore! Fuck you with the freest of speech this divided states of embarrassment will allow me to have.

SQUARE DANCE
--

The boogie monster of rap, yeah he's back / with a plan to ambush the Bush administration, mush the senates face in and push this generation / of kids to stand and fight for the right to say something you might not like --

and then he goes on to rap about the war America is raging with the world and how he is one of America's enemies, but his fans are going to be drafted before he is. It is just good and I am not gonna type it all. I am going to do one more and then call it because I am getting tired of typing

SING FOR THE MOMENT
Verse 1: These ideas are nightmares for white parents whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair who likes earrings/Like whatever they say has no bearing its so crazy in a house that allows no swearing/to see him walking around with headphones blaring alone in his own zone cold and he don't care/ he's a problem child and what bothers him all comes out when he talks about his fuckin dad walking out/ his thoughts are whacked he's mad so he's talking back talking black brainwashed from rock and rap/ he sags his pants do-rags and a stocking cap his stepfather hit him so he socked him back/ and broke his nose his house is a broken home there's no control he just lets his emotions go
Verse 2: Entertainment is changing, intertwining with gangstas in the land of the killers the sinners mind is a sanctum/unholy only have one homie only this gun lonely cuz don't anyone know me/yet everybody just feels like they can relate I guess words are a motherfucker they can be great/or they can degrate or even worse they can teach hate/its like these kids hang on every single statement we make like they worship us/ plus all the stores ship us platinum now how the fuck did this metamorphosis happen?/from standin on corners and porches just rappin to havin a fortune no more kissin ass/but then these critics crucify you journalists try to burn you fans turn on you attorneys all want a turn at you/ to get they hands on every dime that you have they want you to lose your mind every time you mad/ so they can try to make you look like a loose cannon any dispute don't hesitate to produce handguns/ --/if I’m such a fucking menace this shit doesn't make sense B/ its all political if my music is literal then I am a criminal how the fuck can I raise a little girl/ I couldn't I wouldn't be fit too…
Verse 3: They say music can alter moods and talk to you well can it load a gun for you and cock it too?/well if it can then the next time you assault a dude just tell the judge it was my fault and ill get sued/ I am skipping some more lines here/ that's why we sing for these kids who don't have a thing except for a dream and a fucking rap magazine who post pin up pictures on they walls all day long idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs/ or for anyone who's ever been through shit in they lives till they sit and they cry at night wishin they'd die/ till they thrown on a rap record and they sit and they vibe we are nothing to you but we the fucking shit in they eyes/that's why we seize the moment freeze it and own it squeeze it and hold it cuz we consider these minutes golden/
--

and the chorus of this song is an aerosmith song, it is my favorite song on this album, I think the best Eminem song ever. Down load it, I am sure it is everywhere, and I skipped a ton of lyrics, whatever, you can get the picture. So maybe someone has a new perspective of me. Peace.love.

June 12 2002

So Matt went out to dinner with his girlfriend last night for graduation dinner or something. I don't know exactly what because I never went to a graduation dinner so I guess it is something that I missed out on. But Rose was there too and the first thing I asked him was how was dinner and then what did Rose get? My thinking was to see if she got something that could be a vegetarian meal. I don't know why I am so intrigued, I guess she just really got to me the other night. Not too many people get me into good conversations lately so that was like a godsend. And I don't get to talk to her I am sure I could, but I just don't pursue it. I figure that if she is the type of girl that I would really like then I don't have to pursue, that things will unfold and I wont aggressively pursue I will put myself into situations with her as I can and if she does the same, that is good. Whatever, enough talk about girls. Really. So that conversation I had the other night with that person really brought to my attention certain things that I am lacking here. Like intense conversations about nothing and everything, about things that cannot be defined, true opinion with a direct message and a nice base of surety to work off of. I think that I have that. I am sure of my opinions in a personal sense, in the sense that my opinion work for me and although sometimes I force them on people usually I just passively drop them and they are picked up. I makes me feel good. And she also brought to my attention the fact that I have been here way too long. In an indirect way. I guess I am going to talk about girls still. The argument she was having was because someone called her ignorant for her ideas. And I think I can relate because more than a few times that has happened to me, because some people see out of this little part of their brain that trains their eyes to think that there in no other way that what they were taught and when someone challenges the ideas that a person was conditioned to believe they get defensive. It is a sort of insurance weapon, bore things so deep into peoples mind that they not only look past other ideas but denounce them and defend their own which are really just regurgitated ideas of a past generation. And when I took her into my room, she was saying "how can that girl call me ignorant? Has she ever been ___ or saw ___" you know, whatever. And I thought "I totally understand". And as a matter of fact I sided with her on the particular argument, not because of any bias, but because I had gotten into the exact same argument before. But my arguments are more like discussions, because I don't blow up too often. She just blew up. Whatever. Because of that, it is refreshed in my mind that there is so much more out there that I can learn and that I stopped too early with a false sense of completion. I realize that and visualize it and shake my head at myself for being so blind before. But then I smile at myself and think "at least I see it now and can pick up easily enough". And that is what fuels me, the fact that I can see my past and change my future. Some people have gotten into a loop that where they cant see their past but keep repeating it. Some people get into a horrible cycle where they can see their past and still repeat the mistakes and beat themselves up because they can see it but not change it. I think most of it is the side affects of that particular conditioning I was talking about earlier. And that conditioning, I have said this before but continuously repeat it for the fact that it is very true and if anyone that hasn't read this before or heard me say it they can now "When a person that is ignorant to idea or thought they will respond with fear in an effort to strike it down and feel a false sense of pride in upholding their own beliefs that are manufactured. " I guess I added to it, but that's okay. Anyway, I will just think about my past some more and create a viable and new plan of action for the future. Peace.Love.

June 14 2002

Lets talk about affection for a moment. Not about love or even like, but the way peoples affect each other, about interaction, about affection. (Sometimes I use words to mean what I want them to mean, and sometimes people accredit this to the knowledge people say I have, but honestly, affection does not mean anywhere except in my head what I am going to make it mean here. See I never went to college, so I am afforded the humility to make things up like this.) It seems that in human interaction there is always a change. Whenever you meet someone new something happens, and I am affected by it. Sometimes it is like poison other times it is the cure. Regardless though, I allow myself to be affected by people on various levels. One level is the way they talk to me, if a person comes to me and talks to me without fear or hesitation that affects me in a positive way. Another level is the way they look at me, if there are glares, stolen glances, stares, whatever the case may be depends on how that affects me. Other levels include they way they talk to other people around me, what they drink, how they answer the questions I ask or more importantly the questions other people ask. Whatever, it seems that no matter how I am affected by these people I always feel affection (in the literal sense) for them. Be it male female whatever. Anyone that knows me a little bit or at least reads what I write knows I like the Mountain Goats as a band. John Darnielle as a person. So I bought some cds the other day and they will be here in the mail today. I bought three cds for 36 dollars and only really want one song. It is called alphabetizing. I have read the lyrics over and over and he says "although it is true that I love everyone, I love you especially because…" and that is what I want to hear him say. Because reading it makes my mind think about all the people that affect me and I will say that I love everyone but sometimes I find it difficult to say why I love a certain person especially. Follow? And the way that people affect me is directly related to the way I deal with people, they say do unto others as you would have them do unto you? I want that. In my mind and my own little world I secretly wish (and I guess it isn't too secret anymore) for someone to come along and treat me the way I treat other people, because if they did they would affect in a positive way all of my levels of affection. I don't know, I guess. It just seems that all these people are walking in and out of my life because I make little effort to grapple and stay them. Because I look at my life as I got everything I need right here and everything else is extra, everything else is just if you want it bad enough. So most of the time I don't really think twice about the things that I let go or the things that I miss out on. I will keep it up for a while and then lay the effort on them. I know why I do it too, it just seems that it would be pretty hard to put into words and I don't have that kind of time right now to explain my actions. My actions go on. And I will continue (in my mind) to have everything I need and just hope something new that I hadn't recognized before comes along and shows me that I don't have everything I need. I hope that something comes along that affords me the pleasure of pursuit. And sometimes I really wish that I did go to college so I could learn how to use words correctly and maybe people would understand me more. Hah. --

I have a couple tattoos yeah, I know, scary. The first one I got in NY. And the second one, too. I got them done at New York Adorned on 2nd Ave, somewhere near St. Marks I believe. They are opposing each other on my inner elbow area. I just don't know what that region of the body is called. The right one is a blue flame with an A in the center, the left one is a red flame with an E in the center. They represent many different things. The four elements, A for Air, E for Earth, Blue for Water, and Red for Fire. The A also stands for Autonomy, which means self-government, freedom. The E stands for Equality, which I hope you understand without explanation. The third tattoo I got in Olympia at the Electric Rose on Capitol Way. It is a rock structure on my left forearm that wraps around at my wrist. There is a message in the rocks and it says "still hoping…". I don't know why that is hard to understand. But that is what I wanted to write about. From most people that ask about my tattoos once they decipher the message they ask "for what?". Still hoping for what? The way I see it is if someone got a tattoo on their arm that would be there forever and it said still hoping and they were hoping for something in particular, that would be stupid. Maybe not stupid, but foolish. Because what if the thing desired was acquired, that would render the tattoo meaningless. It is kind of like getting a name on your chest or buttocks. I am not hoping for anything in particular, nothing that can be pinned down. It is more of the idea of hope that is inscribed, to let one know that hope is still present that I am not without hope, that hope resides in my body and will be there forever. It is hard to explain to people, I don't know what the deal is. But after writing it out, I now know what to say to people when they ask a question that was previously so absurd to me. And it was instantaneous. I was just typing and didn't even stop to realize, but realized anyhow what that tattoo means in words. Or how to describe the idea that it represents in a simple logical way. Thank you, computer. Hah. And the fourth tattoo I have is half of a tree that will eventually be a full tree. It is called a Kapok Tree. It is on the outer rim of the rainforest and its branches cover the rainforest to allow little sunlight and thus create the rainforest. It is sort of like a tattoo of creation. But that arm is also going to be a full rainforest scene complete with a monkey. No tattoo is good unless it has a monkey. And the other arm is going to be some type of water scene, I was thinking a huge glacier that was on my shoulder blades and back and down over my bicep and have it transmute into a flowing river going through the A that is on there with a trout or something jumping out at the A (this is because the monkey is going to be holding the E on the other arm). And on wither side of the river will be a grove or something, a rolling prairie or maybe I will just make my right arm entirely blue, in various shades. Who knows? The reason I started this and what happened in it did not connect. I am no longer on the same thought pattern, the same vibe. And that is they things are learned I think, by doing one thing a person can completely learn or better yet, realize a different thing and everything could work out better than ever imagined. See I originally wanted to write about how people don't understand and blah blah blah, but it came to be that I was the one that didn't understand and I got to understand, and I even made a semi-graph of my arms for the rest of my life. See how beautiful life is? Peace.Love.

June 16 2002

Something’s happening. I am sure of it. Sometimes things in life a masked over, clouded and you cant see if anything is happening or not, that is kind of where I am at still. Like I got fucked up for some odd reason and deviated from thoughts that I have and when that happens it is like you know where things are but you cant see them, so I am just resting until I find those things and can see clearly again. But from this cloud over my eyes I know something is going on and it is probably something big. Sometimes I talk in code that really doesn't decipher. I am talking about life here. Not just my own, but my perspective of life, personal perception of it. And I see haze. No sun yet, but I can feel the rays busting through trying to warm the ground and bring life back to a beast that lies dormant. I don't know. Lets see. I am searching for the right description of this thought. Although it is true that I smile almost all of the time, I am smiling more lately because there is this imprint on my brain that senses that things are going to change and get a whole lot brighter. And that is what is going on I think. Like I am starting to feel a genuine reason to be happy. Before I was just happy because it seems much better than being sad (although I don't neglect the sad feelings, I just sort of take them and change them into something remotely positive and reflect on things). Reflection is the key I think. Don't dwell on things, just keep going until you cant anymore sit and reflect and see the result and if it is parallel with what you want clap your hands and jump from your seat and keep going. And if it isn't then pinpoint what was gong wrong and how to change that clap your hands jump from your seat and take care of that. At least that is what I do. Even though my self reflection usually takes a week or so. And it doesn't make anyone around me happy. But I think I am through with this latest self reflection period. I hope so, at least if I am out of the fog by the 30th? You know. And I will be. Oh and I found out the other day that the high school I went to does a case study on me and my friend Alex in journalism class for a week each semester. See we disseminated this underground newspaper while we were there and the journalism teacher scooped it up and now teaches it. I thought is was pretty neat when I heard that. Although it was pretty juvenile stuff, it is me and Alex and we are being taught to younger kids. Something to be proud of? I don't know. Peace.Love.

June 18 2002

"Focus, focus now. C'mon, you can do it." Can it really be done. Focus on the future and waste away the moment for that dimly lit star that is seen only in dreams? A dream of the future and a supreme necessity of focus. Aim. Make sure you mark the point and do not stop until that focus is realized, that energy spent on attainment is avenged. (I like the idea of avenging energy, sort of like when you sit and do nothing, just wasting energy, the next day you get out and do something to avenge it, you ride your bicycle, you clean your house, you take something special to you and do it with whole heart intact and avenge the wasted energy of previous times.) I guess that might be a poor word but I like it and in my mind I think that it is a wonderful idea. Oh, anyway, we were talking about focus. Yeah, see there are things in life that a person wants to do and wants so bad that they cant see anything but that, and I think that is focus, a point where everything done is done for that which is focused upon. For that goal, for the realization of that dream. As of right now, I cannot do it. I want to be able to focus. It is hard for me because I have other things on my mind. And I don't know exactly what to focus on yet. So I guess right now my short term goal is a point in time to focus upon and a set of ways my life will be when that time comes. I feel confined right now, I feel like my life is wasting away and I am not only watching it but participating in its downfall. I try to create excitement in an effort to downplay the wastage of life that is going on here. I think that those people that can do things should. There are things that I can do and am not and for that I cannot condone my actions. I feel like I am living a lie although I am always telling the truth, and always trying. Always hoping. My plan right now is to get my shit together, put away some cash, stash it like I did in NY and wait. Wait for that moment of truth where I can get out or stay. Fuck buying a car right now, fuck wasting away my money on meaningless things that really don't even make me happy, fuck that stuff. My life can be like it used too, when I was happy for a reason, it can be like NY or Oly or SB. And it is up to me to make it that way, so I need to stop faking through my life and start getting on. It has been a year and a half almost since I have been here and I have accomplished very little. In NY and Oly I was there for nine months each. And I can see all of things that I accomplished, I can see everything that I have learned, I can pass it on, I can keep it alive. Here, I see no accomplishment a year and a half mostly wasted away. A year and a half is a long time to me, I am probably going to be bald by the time I am thirty, so I need to get some stuff together. Hah. That was a rant. Outside right now I am smiling and nice to people and inside I am I am very sad and unhappy and sometimes I wish that right now wasn't right now, rather it was before. It was before I… I'll let you think on that one. Peace.Love.

June 23 2002

I don't know if I am focusing or not, but I met this girl. Yeah. I met her a couple of weeks ago. Her name is Rose. I actually was talking to her a few years ago on the computer and then it became that she was friends with Mandi (who for some odd reason knows every single new person I have met out here since I have been back) and now she is back in town from Kansas and we hung out a few weeks ago. Then I saw her once at my house and she was being juvenile and I was tired so I paid no attention. She was here the other night with Mandi and we talked/flirted just a tiny bit. Then I went to Mandi's graduation party today and I really didn't talk to her all that much, but I looked at her a lot because she is really cute. Afterwards, tonight, we all went to this block party at Miller Beach and on the way there I got flirting signals. I, again, paid little attention because, c'mon. So we got the block party and we walked around a little bit then we separated and she knew everyone there by the time it was over, it was amazing. I only knew like five new people that I didn't meet through her. People were yelling for her across the block. It was crazy. She is eighteen. We were in the bar, and she was talking to this guy Jim, and I got into the conversation. He said we made a good couple and asked if we were married we said no and we talked more, the three of us. Then for some reason we were flipping a coin to see if we were going to get engaged. So I kissed her and she was really into it. It was great. We talked to Jim a little bit more and now I think we are engaged. Had we found a minister tonight we probably would've been married. Then we were disrupted in the bar and had to go outside to talk to other people. We did and then went back to the bar and Jim was leaving so we left and walked to the beach. After talking to our party of people we headed off (only a two block walk) we saw Jim on the way and chatted with him and his friend about politics and we told him that we were going to the beach and our friends didn't know so we might have to stay at his house. He gave us a kite and told us to fly it in the morning and he would come get us and give us a ride home. We then made it to the beach and sat on a sailboat and talked; we didn't even have to make out there, we just talked. She is vegetarian and that is amazing in itself. I am absorbed. We must've been on the beach for an hour and a half. Then we mustered the idea to walk back and see what was up and we talked and held hands on the way and flirted and it was great. We got back and found out just how long we were on the beach and that our party was looking for us for the last forty minutes. I was happy. I still am. This is the girl that got into the argument at my party. And she has a great mind and I am totally enamored. Crazy. I mean, I am engaged and this is the summer of unlove (because two of my friends have broken off engagements in the last month). So, I don't know, I kissed her and on the way back we were in the backseat cuddling and we got to my house to drop me off and Matt and Mandi were just blatantly making out in front of house, making us feel uncomfortable so we went outside when they were leaving and Matt and Mandi were making out by the other car and we kissed a little bit and It is just great. I think I am mostly happy that she is vegetarian and she is totally open with herself, she know who she is, she is cute, she likes me , we talk, I like her friends and she likes mine, there isn't much weirdness, we are engaged, we make a good couple, and probably a few more. I still don't even know her phone number though. Hah. I think I make wrong moves about finding out these kinds of things, like phone numbers and last names. Hah. Anyway, that was my night, how was yours? Peace.Love.

Oh, I am skipping one part, I think people are attracted to me today because I am wearing these new Mickey Mouse socks…I just got them in the mail and wasn't planning on wearing them but I did and I got a lot of good remarks. Thanks Steve!

So I have been doing some thinking today. I woke up early after going to bed rather late and I did my dishes. I finished off that damn game that was haunting me. I hadn't had time to do much of anything lately and I need to get some things in line here. The game is done I am relieved at the end of it and happy with the idea of not having to immerse myself in it any longer. Like this book that I started to read today, Siddhartha (which is another thing that I need to take care of soon, I finished 2/3 of it today), Siddhartha left the world of the Brahmin and the Samanas to find his self and lose his self after finding it in an attempt to attain Nirvana. He became immersed in the life of the rich man when he desired to learn of love from the mistress Kamala. She told him that a ragged Samana could not please her insatiable thirst for gifts and wealth. But she was taken by Siddhartha nonetheless and helped him to find work with a merchant to attain this wealth so she could stay true to herself and only be with men of money and also be with the one, Siddhartha, whom she was drawn to regardless of class level. She was enraptured by the way the world sees and upholds divisions. She would be neglecting the way the world sees her as how she should be if she took in to teach a Samana that she was attracted too. I am getting too deep into it, anyway because of Kamala he knew greed and wealth and when it finally overtook him and he was destroying his being so bad that his soul stepped out of his body to see himself front on and be disgusted by it…confusing…that he remembered the paths of his past of Brahma and Samana and Gotama and he left this world of greed and lies and deceit that never truly enticed him, they were a means to an end. And through that he set aside the path of greed and re-embarked on his path of self (I think, I just stopped around page eighty where he has just ran into Govinda and then continued on his path). And that made me think about my life. Yesterday at the graduation party I was talking to Frances a lot and she kept on telling me about myself. About how people view me and stuff. She said that I could start my own religion because I entice people to want to be like me. I can see it. But I dismiss it, because it isn't a bad thing if people want to take from who I am, because I think that I am good things, if I were carrying around guns and pistol whipping people then I wouldn't want people to be like me. Anyway, I think that she saw an extreme. And I don't really want to be a leader of people, I would rather be like Siddhartha and embark on my own journey of self. Or even with the Samana the book talks about and I could learn three things: to think, to wait, and to fast. This book is amazing as is the person that gave it to me. Thanks again, Steve. And as far as life right now I am a little confused. I am right now starting to root out the negative elements of my being and to truly be a right person and good. I am trying to do well for myself so that when I am ready to go out on pilgrimage I will be true. It isn't easy with the infection of greed in society, this society is like the life that overtook Siddhartha and eventually led him to contemplating suicide and then rebirth. It is a life that needs to be lived in order to understand life but, in my eyes, not the life that should be a mission. This life shouldn't be a life mission, this should be a passing fancy, experience and understanding points, you know? And hopefully I am looking in the right direction. Peace.Love.

And to continue with my day I have since finished reading Siddhartha and was a little wrong about the outcome. He did become a wise man and I think that he did find Nirvana, and it was beautiful. I may read it again tomorrow. And I was taken away from my home to a birthday party that I was unknowingly invited too, and there were only a few people there that actually liked me. So I just sat there and thought. The few people talked to me and I made noises. But mostly I thought. I was thinking about what is going on. Perhaps even the church of what’s goin on. That is a Rose thing that I picked up last night. SO I thought about her too. Jim, the guy at the bar, said to us when you wake up in the morning you will know. And I guess I know about myself, but I knew that before I woke up, before I even went to bed. What I don't know about is her and that is life's uncompromising mystery that we must pray to unravel with full knowledge that we never will. It is odd, because this girl doesn't usually like guys, I knew that before last night and that was why I wasn't exactly pursuing, and I knew that when we first kissed, and I was reminded of that today by one of our friends, Mandi. It was odd when we kissed because we were talking and we caught each others glance and we both just knew and we both took initiative there was no hesitating, no second thoughts. But during the actual moment I could feel that she was scared, that she was taking a leap into the unknown and that made me feel special. I feel special when someone takes a chance on me because I know that I can be a pretty risky bet, and most people know that, I think that is why I get disclaimers put on me by certain friends and warnings from people not to do anything that would fuck them up in certain situations. I laugh at it, but inside it is like a stab, because what I do, I do with full knowledge of consequences. True I do test people to see who they are and some things I say or ask will sound totally stupid and farfetched and like I may actually be putting someone down, but it is all in an effort to know someone truly. And I try to do that quickly. Because if I feel that pang of desire to know someone, that they may be beneficial in my life and that we grow to have a beautiful relationship, male or female, I dive right in and start my rap. Because it is all how they answer, how they take what I say, and the questions that they ask in response. It is truly an art, I think, but I don't know, because it seems to fail more than succeed. But when it does succeed, that success is worth all the failures before it, because I have found. I have found, desire, hope, love, these feelings and facets inside a person that need to be unlocked and tickled as much as possible I have found in these people and I think that they find it in me too. That is my ideal relationship. Where nothing is absurd, nothing is impossible and every question can be answered. I don't know, I guess I do have an odd way of looking at things, there are only a few people that I think actually understand what I am doing with myself and those people aren't who I would expect. They are new people that I have recently met that see me for who I am right off the bat. Like Frances, she is amazing because she knows what tickles my fancy and she hits the sweet spot and doesn't stop. Steve is my old friend that does this. Matt does this sometimes. Rose has shown to do it and has done it but I don't know because it don't feel that I do it for her and things need to be reciprocal. That is what I think, and like previously stated I don't always think in a straight line. Whatever. I don't know how my mind wandered into this area, but it is catching me by surprise and I am thinking quicker and losing myself in thought and this stuff it tearing me apart inside, searching for answers inside a vessel, a being where all answers are hidden. All answers are hidden within the self and to lose the self would be to find all the answers to the question one would need to ask the self and then one would be complete with the self and attain the Nirvana that I think Siddhartha was looking for and found in removing himself from his self. And being one. Being unity. Being Love. Being peace. And we may never know this in a similar aspect as the story of Siddhartha, but it is possible and I am searching my self for the answer to how I maybe able to attain this heightened sense of being. Could you be encasing yourself in this battle too? Peace.Love.

June 24 2002

Anywhere, Kid. That is the name of my journal. My paper journal that went from the last days of Oly all the way through California and back to here for awhile. Then I started writing on the computer and stopped the book. This journal on the computer is called Diaries for a New Generation. My first journal was called Trials and Updates Part 1. My second one was called The World Awaits You. I really get into naming things and there is definitely a pattern. NY was Trials and Updates, Oly was The World Awaits You, SB was Anywhere, Kid, and here is New Generation. It all makes sense with the way life moves and transgresses, and sometimes I take a break and read thoughts I had in times past and reflect on them and how they make me feel now. I do this for a specific reason, because I am having a problem and it is kind of like the judicial system, where if a judge has a case he or she will look at all the past cases to see if any can be used as reference. That is what I am doing with my problems, I look back and see if I had something similar before and if I find that I did, I do not use it as reference, I do something equally as different as the first situation was to whatever is strange in this world. Hah. That doesn't make sense, but then again neither do I sometimes and this is me so that at least makes sense, huh? Anyway I am reading this journal now, Anywhere, Kid, because I am very fed up out here. I am very homesick. That is another case of me misusing words, because I am really just sick of this home, the people I work with, the area. It is all becoming way too boring and although the sun shines sometimes it is never enough to quench. And then I am using that word right because I do not consider this my home I consider Olympia more my home than this place, and in the right way I am homesick, I miss OlyWa. What I need to do is quit my job. So here is my plan, I am going to go to work tomorrow and when I leave I am going to leave the work truck there and ride my bicycle home. That is if it is still in a semi working order. If it is not in a working order I am going to put it into the work truck and then proceed to drive to the bike shop to get that thing fixed up. Then I am going to put in applications at nothing jobs, easy to do jobs that require nothing and I can just do without having to think about and use my mind for other things. Then before winter be away. But I think I told someone yesterday that I am really a girl, so I guess I don't have any idea what I am actually talking about. And therefore whatever is said in here should just be read and then thrown away because what good is it, it helps me a bunch, but unless you know me I cant see how it would help anyone else. So, after reviewing the journal, here is a passage from some time in CA (I didn't take to dating things at that time so it is all just from CA unless otherwise noted, I guess): Particularities Reviewing and researching life—living, leads to certain particularities that one picks up on and fuses into their own life as truth. This is closely associated with believing without experimenting. The common solution to this plight is travel. Travel brings about many diverse situations and personalities and allows one to judge with a pool of experience. Basically, the objective of life is broadening ones outlook. Some would counter with the value of perfection. The main argument being that perfecting a particular allows one higher social status amongst those engrossed in the particular, who themselves may merely be broadly attempting knowledge of that particular. Outcome being that in order to focus your entire being on a particular you should first explore the wide range of particulars to determine which situation would be most lucrative to your being.

And that is it. That is what I thought about when I was in CA probably a year and a half ago and I look back on that passage and it tells me the answer. I can answer myself and deal with life in that way. RocknRoll. Peace.Love.

June 25 2002

So here is the thing, I don't know anymore. Like I am all confused. Girls. I can live with them and I can live without them, but life seems so much sweeter with them. So that is what I want. I want to have this girl that I can be with and be happy with, I just don't know how to get it. So Rose and Matt and Mandi and I went to the beach tonight and blah blah blah…oh, wait let me start with last night when I went out for coffee with Mandi and Rose. I went with full knowledge that I would be no fun. I basically just sat there because I wasn't having fun, so I was doing my own little zone-meditation thing. Then I left. The next day, today, Mandi called me and said that Rose really likes me. And I said that I am boring most of the time why would anyone be able to like to me after a boring night. I don't know. See it is all weird. So I was given that impression and then asked to go out with them to the beach and I wanted too, but also knew that I shouldn't. But I did. And we were there, talking and holding hands, couply stuff, you know? I was supremely satisfied, I wanted nothing more at the time. Then we left and went around a little bit and eventually we got back to my house and we were in the basement arm in arm and Mandi and matt were in the other room and she wanted to have a risqué conversation so that they could overhear. So I asked her about her not liking men. I saw it, I was told it and I feel it, she doesn't really like men in a relationshipy way. She isn't into that yet she is getting into it and I feel the uncomfortability of it yet know not how to respond to it. So she didn't answer. She started too but then she cut herself off and I want to know. Maybe I don't need to know, but I want too. Because this girl has the capacity to explain and talk and describe who she is and what she does. I was told no chance from the beginning and I felt a small chance and went with it and now I don't know where I am. So we were talking on the couch for awhile in the basement, cuddling like not really, but kind of. And then it was time to go. Of course I am walking them all out, and especially her. But we get to the car and she sort of looks weirdly at me as if to say "why are you following me?" and then I asked her what she does tomorrow and she said nothing so I told her I would call her. She told me not too. I was taken aback. And I said okay. Then she said I could call if I wanted. I don't know. I probably wont call. We will just see about this one I guess. Needless to say I didn't kiss her goodnight…Peace.Love.

June 26 2002

So it seems that I didn't call Rose today, well today being yesterday because it is at that time. The time where the tomorrow meets yesterday and today is nonexistent. I wanted to call her, because I want to be able to have a relationship. But then the thought ran through my mind, about an ideal situation. The ideal situation being that she call me. Because of what I do not know about her and what I do know I think that it would be more beneficial to me if I waited it out. Because, I look at it this way, she is a girl that doesn't usually like guys yet she likes me and she is confused about it. If the confusion goes so far as to make her interested to the point of seeing who she was and maybe trying to change that, then I will be here. If she just wants to be friends, I will be here. I will be here, regardless, however, I will not make any further attempts at pushing myself on her, because I don't want to have to do that. Even if I should. Because people can make up their own minds about things and who they want to associate themselves with. So can she. She may choose to be around me and may not, it will affect me no matter what. See I have started to say that things affect me, because previously I would say that it wouldn't make a difference if she were with me or not, and it didn't. It still doesn't, overall. But for the right now and for overall, it could, and I was neglecting to see that and award that possibility an audience. I will award that now and say that the way this turns out will affect everything regardless of the outcome, everything will be different, nothing will be as it were if the opposite had happened. I need tot take into account the chaos of life and let that seep into my being deeply so that I can understand that life runs by a clock that cannot be read or measured. And I don't know about things I general, as if I ever do, but I have been reading On Love again after I finished Siddhartha and it is still being totally honest about everything and I wish it would be classified as a philosophy book, because that is what it is to me. And Frances made me art. Basquiat-esque art that was inspired not only from Basquiats work, but from me too, because I introduced her to the art world that was and is Basquiat. When she finishes the book we will watch the movie. That is another thing, I wanted to buy that movie today and it was nowhere to be found and that disappointed me. Whatever. I shouldn't spend that money anyway. And I have been telling people about this thing that I need to pick up from the airport on the fourth of July and they are all enraptured about what it is and I cannot tell. I wont tell. I just drop little hints and some people are close but most are way off the money. I have a monkey in the basement. Oh, and speaking of the basement, (and Basquiat and art for that matter) I have been inviting this girl, Becky, over to my house to paint for us. She is a good doodler, that is what she does lines and stuff, I like it but what I see isn't high caliber. Good enough for the basement, however. And good enough for anything really. I guess I don't know what I was talking about. The thing she drew on the cinderblock is amazing, however, her plywood piece isn't up to par yet. And I went to get some pictures framed today, neglected to speak of a new Volkman. Volkman is this local artist that I have been acquiring lately. Her work is amazing. So I have three now and yearn for more. Later, I guess. Peace.Love.

Today was a weird day, for sure. I got up super early like usual and didn't like it. I have been contemplating quitting my job for some time now and I did it today. It was raining when I got there and we ere just inside kind of staring each other down and I just looked at the calendar and said "this is the day I quit". He said, "I saw you scheduled some time off in august". And then I reiterated the fact that I was quitting in about two weeks. Then we talked and he asked why. I told him because he just doesn't listen to me and neither does the other, the brother. I am totally disrespected. And it is funny, because I don't go to my friends with serious problems too often, mostly because I don't have serious problems too often, but I talked to a few about how they don't allow me to learn anything and bog me down with menial work that requires no skill, and they do this because they don't think that I have the capacity to learn, they look at me with nostalgic eyes that do not see how far I have come since I was nine. And my friends looked in disbelief and said I was joking because they think that I can learn. It goes back to something Steve said a long time ago and I dismissed at the time "you can choose your friends, but not your family". My friends see me for who I am and who I can be and my family sees me only as who I was. It is horrendous. Naturally, after the news my dad went into his little lecture and blah blah blah, trying to explain to me that I am an idiot and that is why they treat me the way they do (not in those words at all, but that is what I got out of it, I am sure he didn't mean to say that, but that is what was implied). That solidified it. My brother wasn't in the room at the time, but he could overhear everything. So we went to work and he started to ask me about it. And he started trying to give me a guilt trip and I was all smiles. I am happy again for a reason, because there is a future with no closed ends in front of me and all I have to do is take one step. I told my brother to shut up and then I said "Happiness reduces to one". He gave me the perplexed look and I asked if he wanted an explanation. He said he doesn't care about what I think it is all bad thought anyway. Hah. But later on, it came up again and I just told him what it meant. And this is what I meant by it: Happiness can be shared be everyone at the same time, it reduces to zero because there doesn't have to be anyone left unhappy. And while he says that I am making my father unhappy by quitting, I know that I am not because he would want what makes me happy and I would want that too and therefore it should entice a happiness out of both of us or something. That is why I do not feel guilty when I do something to make myself happy, while most people I meet are shrouded in untruth thus making happiness a hard goal because they must first decipher all the lies of their life and then start from scratch and build on truth, I feel that I dropped my cloak of lies at least three years ago and I have been building my truth since then and it is only one or two steps before I can get back to my happiness. I really don't know, my brother tells me all the time that my thoughts are totally whacked that I took whatever was against the grain of popular majority and twisted it to where it was totally wrong and then adopted it as my own brainchild. He doesn't use those words, but that is what he wants to say. I think he may be right. Because I could be totally wrong, but then I don't really think I am wrong because nothing that feels this good can be that wrong. And his life doesn't feel nearly as good as mine. I am talking shit now. I don't want to do that, all I want to is say that I am happy again for a reason and now I feel that I can think clearly and see straight (or crooked, however you want to view my thought) and then I can go out again and be. Anyway my last day at work is either the 12 or 19th of July. And then I am just going to be around, I don't know if I am getting another job that is less stressful, or moving, or what. I don't know, I don't have any money and I am accepting donations. Hah. Peace.Love.

June 27 2002

I am happy. I wrote a poem today that translates the idea horribly and I will be the only person that sees it on purpose. I haven't written like that in a while and it just isn't flowing, I am not in that capacity right now. I cant write in prose (as if it were ever prosaical, hah). But, whatever, I feel that I do well enough when I need to express a thought in poetry, and I also do fine just writing it out. My goal is to take all of my journals and compile them in such a way as to make them interesting and flowing and maybe release them as the long lost diaries of Aris Hedon. Hah. That was the plan when I came back from SB. I had a Harry Potter series set up for the world and I squandered my time here on work. I am the bastard. But it isn't a big deal, I feel good about how I have spent my time and I feel much better now that I am in control again. And I will do my best to not take the second hand seat in my life again. That is why I was so fucked before because I knew I was riding passenger and had the radio rights, but couldn't direct where I was going and I couldn't focus on that as the problem, I just knew something was out of place and a stroke of pure luck just showed me the shadow of things and I rooted out the night right away. And I quit smoking. It all happened at once, I read Siddhartha, quit smoking, quit my job, and now I feel great. Honestly, I am preparing for some things to change drastically in my life probably starting on the fourth of July I will invited into a totally new wealth of knowledge and I cannot have my being sucked away with smoking and work. I need all the room I can gather for this experience. And after that happens I will be a changed person. I was reading somewhere that a person goes through seven different stages of life that can be tracked. I think this will be a changing point from one stage to another, I feel good about it. I just feel really good about many things right now, it might have something to do with all these different herbal teas I have been drinking lately and the vitamins I have been taking. I am an herb junky hah. Hah ha. Anyway….Peace.Love.

I have bought and just watched one of the best movies ever. It is called Natural Born Killers. It was directed by Oliver Stone and written by Quentin Tarantino. I cried during the movie, only once, but two other times I was on the verge. It is so true and beautiful, it amazes me. It isn't congruent to the way I think, but truth in any form is beautiful and is the most true movie I have ever seen. I call it a love story and they solidify that fact by sampling many Leonard Cohen songs. Oh my god. Oh my singularity. Fucking amazing. I am going to say it is the second best movie I have ever watched in my entire life and the best movie I have ever seen right now. Amazing. Peace.Love.

June 29 2002

So, I had told the whole Rose story to all of my friends because I am really not all that secretive. All you have to do is ask me or get me into talking and then it all comes out. About anything. But this thing, and with my close friends, it is like a soap opera and I keep them updated. Matt keeps Mandi updated and then Rose is pretty much updated. And after not talking to her for the entire week, Matt was over and was going out on a date with Mandi but she was tired so she just wanted to come over here and she wanted to bring Rose. And she said to me that Rose had been wondering why I hadn't called. That doesn't make sense, because she told me not to call. Anyway, so it is BeeJay and Matt and I. Matt bought a case of beer a few hours earlier because we were going to start painting today and Sunday and might as well have a beer while that is going on, you know? I had a beer and BeeJay played Nintendo. Matt went home to shower. It was eight or something. BeeJay was expecting this girl Kelly whom Steve knows to come pick him up and go out with her tonight. And, by the way, Steve this girl has let your cat out of the bag. BeeJay tells me "Did you know Steve is coming home on the fourth?" and I asked where he heard it and he wouldn't tell because he didn't want to get anyone in trouble. I was disappointed. I had been keeping the mystery for so long and then it vanishes a few days prior to the event. Anyway. He is also waiting for Pat Eddy to stop by. So Alex shows up and we hang out, and then Pat shows up with his little brother, and then Matt gets back and a little while after that Mandi and Rose show up, then about a half hour after that this girl Becky shows up and fifteen minutes after that Diane and Aimee show up. I started a bonfire (a semi-real one) and we hung out out-back and in the basement, but too much in the living room because Beejay and Pat and his brother sat there the entire night playing the video game. I tried to rouse them a few times, but there was no luck. Oh well. I hung out with Rose and Becky quite a bit. I talked to Rose about why she hadn't called me and my idea of talking about something isn't exactly easy to comprehend. It catches people because I am not serious about it. From reading me it seems that I am content with life and that anything that happens above what is going to happen regardless is beautiful and amazing, but not something that needs special care. It doesn't make sense but that is what I get when I read it. So I tried my damnedest to be serious about it and not laugh about things. Because it strikes a chord in me when I think that feelings are read from people not extracted when it gets down to the point of have to pry things out it becomes almost comical. Again, I don't know. So we talked about that and she has never been in a relationship scared of the whole idea never really went for guys because she doesn't meet guys that she likes, and I am not like any other guy she's met and so on and yada dada. Then I kissed her by the fire and she was happy, I was happy and everyone else was gone. Not just mentally, but physically, we got back inside and the only people left were Matt and Mandi in my bedroom Becky Beejay and Rose and I. BeeJay went to bed Matt and Mandi came out and left. Rose and Becky stayed the night and I got to sleep with Rose, but Becky stayed on the floor. It was really nice, because I love sleeping with people and waking up next to them, talking to them in those moments before sleep when a person is most honest and, oh it is wonderful. And Becky was on the bed for awhile but she couldn't get comfortable so she resorted to floor beside bed and Rose and I slept together. And in the bed, we kissed three times. That is important, because we were content just laying there. I was happy with what was going on, I didn't need to make out with either of these girls to make my night complete, it was complete when Alex showed up because that solidified the fact that I had friends and that is enough to make anyone complete. And it was probably 4 before we got into bed. I was supposed to be at work at 6, but forget that I have the ability to fuck off now that I have decided to quit. Saturdays aren't mandatory anyway. We got up at 7 in the morning and then went back to bed. They left around 9 or ten in the morning and it was still weirdness, because I wanted to kiss Rose goodbye or something, do something to make her feel special to me, I guess. But she doesn't want that stuff for some reason, she is very protective of any kind of kissing and the like in front of her friends. Scary. That will change though, oh yeah. Anyway, enough talk about girls. And the case of beer is now gone. Was gone last night and it was like a makeshift party and it was really fun because it was spontaneous and good things happened. I mean, I could've chose to get in bed for work before anyone showed up and then what would've happened? I don't even want to think about nine people sitting in my living room staring at Nintendo…Peace.Love.

So I have gone ahead and gotten to thinking again, dang me. I was sitting at Starbucks coffee and Mary who works there ignored me. It was funny, I don't know, I guess in some weird karmic way I deserved and not being one to press the issue I went ahead to read. No love lost, but I was reading the book On Love and came across some passages that I wanted her to read but thought against it and blah blah. Anyway, then I was going home and I was thinking about something my brother said to me the other day, it was this: "You know, Brian, you don't have an original idea inside of you. Everything you know and everything you think is something that you have seen or read and nothing is truly yours." I looked at him for a moment and then agreed, wholeheartedly. Because, honestly, it is true. Who I am is a conglomeration of what I have seen or read or done and all those things jumble into who I am to form who I am. They form me, because I listened to Jim Morrison talk about love of death when I was fourteen and then when I was nineteen I read Les Miserable and when I was seventeen I saw different musical acts, including Jeff Ott with Fifteen, because I saw the movie Natural Born Killers, these outside influences form who I am. In Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance a question is asked of whether or not a child born without any senses would be able to have thoughts, ideas. I am not sure what the outcome was but I do know that at first it was no and then it was looked at differently and became a yes. And I think that person would too. Anyway, what I am saying is that the generation I was brought up in delegates that my brother is true and he was probably watching the news the other day and they did a new study showing that people born from 1980 will have trouble being themselves because of television. Who knows, what I do know is that there is at least one instance a day where a memory occurs to me and I cannot decipher if that memory is something that I had done, something that I had thought, or something that I had seen. Because things get jumbled so much. It is confusing. Back to the beginning, It was amazing when he said that because I had no argument, for once I agreed with him, because countless times I recite line in a song by Jeff Ott and quote a paragraph or idea from Zen or say a line from a movie that relates to the situation. I admit it. The funny thing is though, that people still tell me about my uniqueness. I think that every being is completely unique, and that in no way am I more unique than anyone else. I guess it is kind of like this DVD that BeeJay bought the other day. It is the special edition of Memento. The second disc is all the special features and in order to access them you must answer a series of question and depending on the order you answer them and the answer you give that is the special feature you access. I see people this way sometimes in that it takes so many questions to be answered and so many instances to occur and depending on the way you deal with them is what you learn from them and what you gain. And everyone will answer them differently and get different results, sometimes people will answer differently and get the same results, nevertheless life is like a box of chocolates. I mean, you never know what you are going to get. Hah. Anyway. The point here is that we are all a part of culture of the things we have read seen and done and to deny that is to deny the dream that one day we may be whole. So Don't deny who you are and instead embrace who you can be and use that to attain who you want to be without lying about who you were? Yeah and I am just really happy about life right now and everything is in this perfect order. I think I want to create a multimedia package of who I am related to the movies books and music of my life. There would be Jim Morrison poetry and Doors songs, very large passages from Aleister Crowley and Victor Hugo, A chapter of Zen and some Siddhartha, Crass and OpIV songs, some Suicide Machines Mountain Goats and LC VU all kinds of stuff, samples from Trainspotting and Big Lebowski, Weekend from Godard, Gandhi quotes on the top and bottom of at least 12 pages, the idea of seeing Michael Parenti would be lingering, with a backdrop photo of him on six different pages or something and there would be Steve's stuff, Robs stuff, Tiffany, Francisco and Olympia Rachel. Looking around my room doesn't nearly do justice for the things that have changed my life, on every page of this theoretical multimedia exploration would be an advertisement from rock magazines to signify my old room that was covered with clippings and looking at them evoked certain ideas in my head. There would be all kinds of stuff and if I had a little bit more (fill in the blank) right now then I would be able to (fill in the blank) hah. Anyway. Peace.Love. and think about that.

July 1 2002

Life is this great graceful being that slithers in and out of our consciousness as we roll in and out of our own personal consciousness, and those times where the two consciousnesses coincide with each other then true life is realized. Junkies say that is the feeling they get right after they shoot up. I don't know. I don't think that life can really be faked. Sometimes I get that feeling right when I realize what I am doing and what I have done and those together form this idea in my head that spells out L-I-F-E and living. Not playing a game. And it makes me happy. There was supposed to be a large gathering in the forest this summer, but that isn't happening it looks like. So I guess we are going to have to settle for this shindig that BeeJay is planning and although not many of the people that I would've invited to the desert are going to be there, I am sure I will think of them as I grasp. Peace.Love.

July 2 2002

So I have been hanging around this girl a lot lately, her name is Francis and her engagement is on the fritz as so many others this summer and she has a 4 year old daughter. I am not thinking anything physical, I am just offering a description. See, she is wonderfully amazing, we have this in-depth conversations nightly about things that matter and don't matter, we laugh together and she helps work on the basement and her kid is amazing too. I don't know I just feel that these people move in and out of my life and they affect me in these ways that I cannot describe. Like, I get everything I can out of a situation before it goes sour or before in has to end for other reasons and I try my best to get into good relationships so I can learn good things, important things. And these things that we learn aren't lessons that can just be transferred, they are life. Like Siddhartha said to Gotama, "…nobody attains salvation through teachings…" and he went further to say that the Buddha could never explain or teach what had happened to him in the illustrious hour where his enlightenment was reached. These are realizations that we are learning looking at our personal lives objectively and weeding out the negative aspects and implanting something positive something that will grow and bear fruit. And we talked and talked, we painted and talked. It was really great. I don't know why I continue to write about it. Because I know that I cannot convey anything that we talked about and I can only say that the most prominent feelings were enlightenment and understanding. And happiness. No matter what happens to this girl and no matter where she goes, she and her daughter will be okay. They have been chosen by whomever or whatever to survive this life and be strong because they have something to pass on, they have a message, and I am just glad to have heard their teachings and been in their presence for the short time I have. And everything is great. Yeah. Peace.Love.

July 6 2002

What a wonderfully beautiful and amazing life this is. There is so much that goes on behind the lines of life that are hard to read and when you catch a glimpse of one and gain the knowledge that others are out there this wave of emotion washes over your being and the physical you is just like "wow". And that is what is going on in my head and life right now. I guess it has to do with some of the actions and reactions of the last four days of which I will recount. July 3: I quit my job early for reasons of abuse and understanding. Basically understanding abuse. I had talked to Frances the night previous about abuse and told her that an abusive relationship is not something that should be held on to. Then I had the realization that my relationship with my brother was an abusive relationship that I had been holding onto, simply because of blood. I said "aha". And he started in on me one last time with the constant verbal abuse and I said fuck it. I quit the job, rode my bike home. That was the day of reckoning, that was my awakening. July 4: I pick up Steve at the bus station and it is just like old times again, it is a mold that we slip into when we see each other and it is as if the last year and a half we had been together instead of apart. We talk and then he establishes a home base at my house and then he rides away to his mothers. I went to pick up some couches for my house with Frances. Then I drove around in Alex's vehicle which I had acquired for the day for purposes previously mentioned. I went to see old old people that I assumed I would have to see anyway because Steve was in town, these people don't call him Steve, they call him Rousseau, and I call him dude. Names aren't important, but sometimes it is symbolic. Then after being around for awhile and picking up a Hare Krishna shirt (hah) I came back to my house to commence the festivities that had been planned by BeeJay. July 5: We had a good time and it culminated at four in the morning with the dual parallel alliance consisting of Jaime Steve Rose and I in my twin size bed trying to break records. Rose dropped out and then we all just moved about the house laying around and assuming the parallel alliance positions outside of duality and then it was nine in the morning and Jaime had to leave for work. Then Matt and Mandi popped their heads from the basement and had to leave and took Rose with them. Steve and I again. Wait. Alex was there too and BeeJay left unhappy very early in the morning. But that's another story. So Steve Alex and I played hacky sacky and then spent 200 dollars on food at Sunrise and planned a vegan/vegetarian pot luck for this upcoming Wednesday. As Steve sustains veganism and I contemplate it again and Alex contemplates vegetarianism. Then we come home and sleep for it has not been gotten for a time. At awakening Steve and I sit outside and he prepares to leave for his fathers and tells me he will call me if he is coming back and that I should wait for the call unless Rose shows up and wants me to see the sunset with her. Just that moment she and Beckia pulled into the yard. After talking for a moment Steve leaves and Becky and Rose sit outside on the couch with me. Then I need tomatoes and we go to the store for them and come back to the house and sit again. BeeJay awakens from his sleep that we assume he started while Steve and I were sleeping. And then Jaime shows up and invites us to party at some guy's house in Munster. Acceptance. We leave for the stars and pull up to the new world. And this is what I am talking about messages. Beckia is an amazing person and I don't understand her very well, but we do have this connection, our eyes, they come together and start this mesmerizing process and I don't quite understand the meaning, but I break it off as I am unsure about what is going on with Rose and I. And she just broke up with her boyfriend of awhile. Whatever, those things tend to work themselves out. We come back to my house after being at party for a time and not exactly enjoying it and I must drive Beckias car because she is not up to the weather, but not quite away from it either. I think she just wanted me to drive her car because she trusts me to drive it. I had had as much to drink as she. Whatever. Then we talk with Alex who is again at my home and then Alex leaves and we go lay in my bed, the three of us until Steve comes home and then we are all laying on the bed. And then Beckia and Rose must leave, it is nearly 2 in morning now. Okay Steve and I sleep. July 6: Steve and I wake up, BeeJay wakes up, BeeJay goes to work Steve and I make vegan breakfast consisting of: tofu scramble, Cajun potatoes, tempeh bacon, soy cinnamon waffles. Steve calls Rachel and we eat breakfast in the basement. Then we lay around and talk for the entire day and during that time I do the dishes, clean and rearrange the living room and light three candles. Hah. Then Rachel leaves, then Steve leaves. Then I sit outside and read and then move VW Bus to street and put for sale signs for 300 dollars, because I have no job and once I pay rent, no money. I don't quite know what I am doing right now but I do have a few lucrative offers and will definitely take one up here soon. I just have to figure on this house and BeeJay and Matt a little bit. Hmmm. Peace.Love.

July 7 2002

Continued craziness and sometimes, I guess dreams do come true. A long time ago I met this girl Beckia. I dated her friend and she was dating someone at the time, I had felt this connection then and dismissed it because of the simple fact of making waves in a situation that I hadn't the slightest idea of. And last night, through various actions we created our own relationship. And then she came back after work and we continued to find ways to expand our relationship and I don't really understand it. The night before or maybe two nights before I was in bed with her best friend Rose and now Rose is all about Steve, saying that he is the "one" and his situations are going astray and my situations are facing up and down. I don't really know. I started writing this early this morning and then was interrupted when Beckia came back here after work. And now it is tomorrow and I am finishing it. Ahh, and all thought is lost because it is all replaced. Must live more in the moment. Must keep going. Peace.Love.

July 8 2002

Things have been a little hectic around here lately and I haven't exactly been able to lay down the long version of life. And I have been wanting too, immensely. Because I feel that being able to write this stuff down is not only my outlet to be able to look at my life objectively, but it also helps me to remember these things that I go through. These trials that must be endured, I can remember when I write them down. Like with Becky, oh my God. Yesterday we went to the beach and she asked me these totally deep questions and just stared at me while I answered them and she doesn't even necessarily agree with what the hell I am talking about. Like, she asked me the age old question of whether or not I think that the world can be saved, or if it will just have to be destroyed. And although it is somewhat contradictory, no, completely contradictory, to what I write and believe, she gave me the a or the b choice. And I said that it is both. Because in the books that I have read, I am told that the world has reached its point of no return that the environment has been raped and damaged so much that unless we stopped all pollution fifteen years ago there would be no possible way to turn things around. And we didn't turn things around fifteen years ago, actually things are about the same now as they were then, globally. Sure the United States is doing a little bit to curb things, but countries like India and China are not and these American companies that are advertising how they are cleaning up American companies are just moving the majority of their destruction to another part of the world. And what does that really help? Honestly, it is like a veil, a fucking misnomer and that shouldn't be acceptable to people. So I said to her, I said, look. There isn't much of a way right down, I used the words downward trajectory, and I also used the idea, destroy to create. And that is what is happening here, there isn't much we can do for this world except do our best to stop everything now and let it slowly die and then repair itself. And that sort of contradicts my idea of hope, and still hoping, but hope and truth are very different thoughts and they can coincide with one another and the world will still be right. My hope is that one day we can all live together in a peaceful world that isn't subjugated to a cause, where everyone can walk together and live together and have a smile on their face just because the sun is rising and the flowers are blooming and the water is drinkable. When Jeff Ott was in Crimpshrine and sixteen years old, his band covered the song "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow" and it is amazing. They really just use the chorus to open the song and it continues: "Now I try to sort out my scattered life/lying awake on the floor/staring at the ceiling light/until I can see no more//maybe I'll feel different tomorrow/maybe I never will/but tonight I'm alone in this world/my brains busy but my souls unfulfilled//think of all my so-called friends/think of what they've done/maybe I could go blind faster staring at the sun//maybe I'll feel different tomorrow//lying awake with watering eyes/not quite sure what for/but when I leave this room tomorrow/my tears will be left lying on the floor//". During the time it took me to type that I sort of lost the reason why I was going there. Why I was going all out and typing that. But maybe it'll hit someone in the way it did me. And that would be amazing. Because this world is all about change and growth. The more you change the more you grow and if you change positively you grow up. If you change negatively you grow down. There is no judge on the positive and negative aside from yourself or a person that you deem worthy of seeing you correctly and that you trust. Right now I feel that I am either neutral or at a slight incline heading towards the light. Peace.Love.

July 11 2002

Now is the time where things in life seem to swirl around you and you can visualize:see:exactly what is going on around you and yet be helpless to do anything about it. Maybe not helpless, more like an observer rather than the star player of life. Like I get into these things, my life has its hills and valleys and its straight-aways and I am not quite sure what this is going on here, because I am not doing anything all day, but I have this girl that comes over at night and when get together and things seem to be good in life. I have been lambasted as lazy these past few days, but I don't really think that is the case. I would say confused. I am at a crossroads and I am just standing at the fork looking down both lanes and thinking. And it doesn't seem like it would be hard to decide, but I know that a decision will also end this vacation where I am not really doing anything in life. BeeJay says it is laziness and I have a hard time trying to explain to him that this is truly a vacation, he says that if you are not working you cannot be vacationing…but I am vacationing from a standard life. Because standards truly don't matter. Create your own standards, I feel that right now the best thing for me to do is to sit at this fork and look down both roads because the travelers now that are coming right past me are creating enough excitement in my life that I wouldn't leave this crossroads if I didn't have too. And I also know that I don't have too, at least not right away, but I want too. I want to be able to say that I have a vision of where I will be in the next two months. Long term goals, right. Hah. In truth I am just a finicky being when it comes to life. Because like so many others I really do not know and I am usually not afraid to show my lack of knowledge. I feel that I have been quite honest especially with my demeanor that I haven't the slightest idea of what this life means, or where it is taking me, or how it and I are simultaneously affecting each other. It is a task to look at things that way. To stand and see and then know. I am standing (actually I would be sitting here at this crossroad) and I am seeing, stretching my eyes to see two different paths and hurting myself. And I am not knowing. I am seeing benefits of each path. I am feeling different good and bad vibes from each path and I am seeing my future self being happy no matter where I go and that makes it all the more difficult. Because if I could spot unhappiness and try to steer myself away from it then the decision would be a bit easier. So I will just continue to sit here and think and sleep long, sleep well. I will be here in this state of confused stationary confinement. That isn't accurate. It is a state of confused bliss with a hint of bombardment and a dash blah. Hah. I guess I just cannot describe this situation. It isn't good it isn't bad, it simply is and I am simply going to have to flow with it and hope that this spot I am sitting in starts to flood and the current takes me down the path. What path. Well, the path. Peace.Love.

July 14 2002

Confusion. So it seems that even with this vacation the trials of the mind and body never seem to wear down, they sort of just spread to other areas of life and amplify them to the point of !fucksake!. True. It seems that although I quit the job thinking that happiness would be lying around the corner, hiding like it usually does and all I needed to do was give it a reason, but it wasn't around the corner. I waited to long and now I have to find it. I don't know why I am using metaphors. The life I lead last month is no longer the same as the one I am leading now, it was brewing then and the top popped off making it to now and putting me in this situation. I said fuck all and then everything that was fucked became right. And everything that wasn't started to slide, or at least those things that time wasn't allocated for previously was starting to be recognized more and the inherent flaws coming out of the woodwork, mounting to the point where the question is raised "HAS ANYTHING REALLY CHANGED". And it has, So I shake my head and thank. And everything is okay. Last night BeeJay threw a party and didn't invite me or even tell me about it until Thursday. Why? I am not quite sure, I guess he feels that I am not that important anymore and that I am expendable in his life so he is taking that and throwing it out the window. Which is fine, I have done it in my life before so I cannot say that he is doing wrong, but , from experience, I can say that he is going about it wrong and definitely at the wrong point in time. So seeing that I wasn't really welcomed at his party I decided to sort of change the flow of things and put everything in his hands. I was not going to be there in the sense that if I were there I would take charge and make the party mine, and that isn't what was desired. So I stepped off and let him do his thing. He had some people show up, but when not too many came he lit a tiki torch on fire in the front yard out frustration I guess, or desperation, a prayer to the gods. Rain dances work. Then more people came. And I went away, because it wasn't my party. Steve and I went on the roof. Then we came down and Becky, whom I have been having conversations with lately, asked us to smoke pot with her. I hadn't smoked pot in awhile. Neither had Steve, so fuck all and what better way to not be there than to transfer into a new state of mind. And I have nothing against drugs. I have read Diary of a Drug Fiend by Aleister Crowley and learned that what are classified as drugs in this culture are still plants and herbs and they have healing powers if you use them correctly. Most people just don't know how to use them. Not that I do either, but smoking pot did wonders for what I wanted to accomplish that night. So the three of us went into the basement to smoke a joint and it was great. It was amazing, it was really what I needed on more than one level, because the next day I feel very refreshed and right and the night of, it was even better it felt like what I was supposed to do. We were in the basement for awhile, I put on Sister Ray by the Velvet Underground and we listened to that for 17 minutes, at which point I heard a loud bang upstairs and because it is my house I still need to have some sort of responsibility. Walking up the stairs the air was thick with negativity and with my new found armor of the night I didn't let it affect me. It seems Rose had found a cantaloupe and was throwing it around and it hit the floor going all around the kitchen, making quite the mess. It was kind of funny, but on second thought, it wasn't because it was disrespectful, she was taking advantage of the host and Beejay being weak willed allows that to happen, for he was sitting in his bedroom just letting whatever happened happen. Not the way to throw a party, for anyone that was wondering. It just isn't wise. And about this negativity, I walked up the stairs as everyone in the living room were walking out of it to see what the noise was. They all already knew what was going on in the basement and that is where that negativity came from they were all angry and disappointed and very negative towards the fact that Steve and I smoked pot because we are light in their eyes. Supposedly parties are supposed to be held up by us and I know that it happens, and when it doesn't it really isn't fun, and worse, it is dangerous and disrespectful and stupid. So I was conscious towards what I was doing and I wanted it to be seen. I don't smoke pot and then veg out on the couch staring at the fucking wall laughing and farting. Maybe when I was sixteen, but I understand now. So the rest of the night I was subject to attempted demeanings. People trying to cut me down and make me feel bad about decisions I made. My life is mine. I do what I want, I have no regrets for the things I have done. And I don't think that anyone should, but I do think that people who hold others on pedestals waiting for those pedestals to collapse when something unexpected takes place, those people should fuck off. Because they really need to get something important and meaningful in their lives and not depend on others. I am ranting quite a but and smiling, it feels good. See I think that herbs in the teas that I drink and in the pot that I smoked work to clean your system or fortify it, and this is a cleanser. I am cleaning out my body and mind right now and wouldn't have been able to do so had last night not occurred. Life is a cycle and the things that transpire are all in relation to each other and everything works together beautifully when seen as a whole. But seen in stages, life sometimes looks crude and ugly and those people were just seeing one of the frowned upon stages of life, at least my life that they had previously thought was so figured out and patternized, and when they learn that there isn't anything uber special here, that Steve and I are just two people just like them, hopefully an understanding will come about. Hopefully sometime we will not be looked upon as those two guys, but we will just be two more people that they know and we will hold something special to them, but we wont necessarily be special people. We will be as special as anyone else and things would be so much better then, I believe. Because if I don't have that dependence, then I don't feel so much responsibility and then in the end there aren't as many people that frown on me for being an asshole, because I cannot please everyone at once and that is just how life is. And once that great realization is reached, I guess I wont be so mysterious to people anymore and I things will be great. But I don't really know anything, because, look at me…I am a pothead. Hah. Peace.Love.

July 17 2002

Things are still hectic, I am still confused, maybe even a little bit more so. Because now I just don't know either way. On the 15th I started a three day fast (supposed to end tonight) that only lasted fifty hours. I think that it did the job, I had participated in actions that I didn't really want too for sake of the fast and it just sort of cut it short. Those actions were work and lady. See Matt asked me to work with him after I had planned the fast, so I said yes because I was desperate for money, and I guess I still am which is a majority of my confusion and it shouldn't be because who really needs to base their life on money but I will talk more about that later, and after saying yes, I decided that I would continue with my fast. I could've just held off, but fuck it. So I worked for seven hours in the sun carrying heavy loads from point a to point b, which is a job I really like when I have energy. Because it is just so easy. And then I got home and just wanted to sit cross-legged on my couch and stare at the wall. Instead I made a necklace, which is something else I have been participating in lately. I learned how to make these really cool hemp necklaces from Becky and I have been pumping them out, along with bracelets I want to sell them to create some money that I don't have, so after work Matt and I stopped at Lisa's tattoo parlor in Crown Point to say hi and see if she were interested in buying them and selling them at her store. She said she would put them on consignment and I said okay. I just need to get ten or so ready to put there and then keep going. It isn't just me though, it is mostly Becky doing the making of necklai. And then the situation with Becky has been odd too. Since I told her that the possibility of me moving away has increased, she decided to take that as I am leaving stay away. So we had been acting all couply and cuddling and holding hands and all that jazz but no kissing, nothing else. So I asked her about it straight up. We had a nice walk and there were times when we should've kissed but we didn't, so I said to her, "Why am I not kissing you?". She said it was because she didn't want to get hurt when I was leaving. I think she is having the same level of attachment right now, and just decreasing the pleasure. And also decreasing my will to stay a little bit. Not much, because there isn't much will to stay, but it has crossed my mind to stick around for awhile and see where this girl takes me. That is a doubtful situation. If she had anything to do with me in the book, it would be a different story. Whatever. SO then last night she was over and she was practically begging me to make a move and I did and then we did some other stuff while no one was home and it led me to eat that night, after she left. I wanted to have at least fifty hours. And this desperation of money thing, it is with BeeJay. I paid rent today making me only 16 days late, a new record. The previous was twelve when Joe put me in a similar situation. So I have to have this talk with BeeJay about paying rent on time or else and paying off all his debt to me. I hate money. I don't like to have it. I just like to have it when I need it and then when I don't just forget about it. So I don't want to make a big deal about money, but it is causing tensions in other areas of my life. Like, he got paid 275$ the same amount that he owed to me. He gave me 100$ and said that was all he could do. Now, that doesn't cut it for me because I got paid and I put all my money up, I have zero dollars at my disposal right now. He has 175$. See why it perturbs me? He could've at least given me all the rent money and then suffered with fifty bucks. But he didn't and I need to lay it down for him exactly what is going on. But he has been mondo depressed lately for various reasons and I don't want to confront him. But I have too. And another thing, since Steve got back BeeJay has not done a single thing around this house. Steve and I do all the dishes. I clean the living room and kitchen. BeeJay has thrown two parties since Steve came back and after the first one he fled at like eight in the morning to pout because he had a bad night or a bad morning, however it needs to looked at, and then we cleaned the house. And after the last one we just cleaned the house while he sat in his room, he said he was sleeping, but we were pretty loud. Whatever, that isn't important either, that is just fodder to add to the top of a list of things that don't really matter. And I shouldn't have to worry about them, I think that people should be able to recognize what they are doing and how it is affecting other people. I can. I haven't been talking to anyone lately, aside from Steve and Becky. I have reasons and people can see it. I do what I do. What I do shouldn't bother other people unless it is directly related to them, but usually it isn't. I am not sorry for not speaking to people, it doesn't matter to me. I just want to sit and think things over right now with as little interference as possible and that is what it would be. I have been very retrospective lately and hopeful, searching and not exactly finding. I don't know exactly where this life is going to take me, but I feel as if I am starting to stand and stare at the crossroads. Maybe I am getting ready to choose. Maybe my legs just fell asleep. I don't know. Peace.Love.

July 25 2002

Crazy, huh. My life is wonderful, honestly…who could complain? I haven't left my house, really left, for at least five days, I am not even sure how long it has been. And I think that is great. It is like self sufficiency, as I explained to Becky, in the event of a some catastrophic event where I had to stay in one place for long periods of time, I would already be tested and proved true. Hah. That is kind of a joke, kind of serious. I have been reading Steve's vegan book and I can make tofu jerky that lasts indefinitely and with that knowledge I could go live in the forest for quite sometime. Or at least in Portland. There is a 92% chance that in September I will be living there. See the thing is that this life just isn't always what I want it to be and I get down for a minute wondering why life has to be this way, but only for a minute, because then I quickly remember that I control my life and if this is a shite situation, then I need to get the fuck out. And I think that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to work a little bit in these next few weeks, because it is getting a little old just sitting around all day cleaning, but not that old. So I will work for two or three days a week and then get rid of all that is not essential and be in Portland. And in Portland things seem that they may be moderately the same, with the living situation and working and everything. Except I would be able to be vegan again and be with Steve and be meeting new people and doing new things in new places and be close enough to old places that I could visit and maybe life would step up a notch. Because this life, for me, is a pursuit uphill. The fifteenth stage of the Tour de France. There are small hills and downgrades, but it ends uphill, it ends at a pinnacle. That is what life is. At least my vision of a well led life, a good life. And I am totally happy even when people think I am not. It is amazing when you sit at home and do nothing how many people think that something is wrong. Not at all, contrary, everything is feeling more right. No person should have to slave endless hours a week to just tweak by. Not that I was just tweaking by, I was actually making a lot of money and being frivolous with friends and family. And I will go back to the old job, to the father and brother, both of whom have asked me back, and work small time, make small time money, because that is what I need. I figure 100$ a week would be quite enough for me to live off of, not just here either, but in Portland. But maybe I will make a little more. Who knows. I will do my best not to make more than 7000 a year though. Stay below the tax bracket. Not that I have been paying taxes anyway. And everything else that I had been sort of complaining about has gone out the window. Because it all petty stuff and I don't really care. BeeJay and Matt have asked me how much I want for all the house stuff when I leave and I said nothing. It is for the house, as long as they stay here, it is theirs, I need no compensation. I bought the stuff when I was in good times and now they can have it. That is it. And the 8% of why I may not leave, has nothing to do with girl any longer. Now it has to do with whether or not Snake will rent the house to these guys without me. If he does bye bye. If not, I am not going to dick anyone over. That's life. I got into something and I am going to stick to it. And I have been thinking about fasting Sunday and Monday of every week. I don't know how well that would go over, but I have been contemplating it. The last one went very well. I was pleased with the results. I wasn't hungry after the 14 hours and I was just in a serene state. I would like to meditate next time though. Just sit cross legged and be. We will see. More regular, Peace.Love.

July 28 2002

I think I left the house on the night of my last entry. And I have been gone a lot since then. I went to a couple parties. One at PRJ that is Punk Rock James, and that was an odd time. Steve has gotten me into riding my bike lately. Actually I can say it was BeeJay that pushed me into it totally. Steve asked me to come over to his Moms house to try some cake and I wasn't going to go. I had had the cake previously. But I told BeeJay and he said just go. He probably just wanted me out of the house, whatever. I don't quite remember. So I went to his mom's house and then to my dad's house and talked to him for a second. We made plans for the next morning. So I left my Dads after getting some supplies like Liquid smoke to make tofu jerky and cornstarch to make vegan whipped cream. I haven't made the whipped cream yet, but the jerky is pretty good, a little too salty…anyway, straying…I left my Dads and went back to Steve's moms to get the cookbook and then went home and cooked some stuff. Then sat until Steve came over and then we cut each other's hair into odd designs and he just shaved his off. I am going to leave mine a little longer, I am not bothered by the slightly odd appearance. Hell I look funny anyway. Hah. So There was a party and we decided to ride to it. Not far, like a fifteen minute ride. We got there and it wasn't too exciting, people that I hadn't seen for awhile were there, like PRJ and Garret, but that is no priority. Becky and Rose were there too, but whatever. They were being really weird and kind of mean to Steve and I and I didn't like it so I said I was going to leave. Steve asked me to stay a little while longer and I did, but after that little while I just couldn't take it and I said this is it I am outta here. Steve came with and we said our goodbyes. Becky and Rose came downstairs to say goodbye to us too, but they got the same, just goodbye. And that was that. Went home and slept. Then the next day Alex was over and he told me that she and Rose had sex with PRJ that night. I wasn't bothered. It really didn't make a difference, although I didn't believe it. So then that night, after I had shopped….wait let me start from the beginning. So my dad came over in the morning and we went to Costco together to talk about the possibility of me working with him again and what future plans are. I told him and he said he would like me to come back to work PT before I left. That was that I bought some bananas and soymilk. Then I went home and Matt was home and right when I walked in the door, after I woke him up, he asked me if I wanted to go to Costco. I told him I just got back and yadda dada. He and Beejay ended up going to Costco and then coming home to get me and then we all went to Jewel to shop more. I had an agenda. I came home and made Lemonade, Ketchup, Corn Nuts, and marinated some more tofu for jerky. And after I had got done with the Corn Nuts, Alex came over to say his piece. That was that. Then he and BeeJay left for Frances's house for her party. Steve and I left a little later on our bikes. Another short ride. We get there and it is another small not much party. That is fine I am feeling laid back anyhow. Until Cousin Lisa comes over. Now I had been trying to sort of get Becky out of the sexual picture for awhile and whether or not Alex is true that gave me the reason. The catalyst. And cousin Lisa is a tattoo artist, and she is twenty seven and she decided that she was going to hit on me. And that was fine, she was licking my her and fondling my body. No problem. She said that she wanted to go on a bike ride with Steve and I sometime, I said how about tomorrow. She said sure. So after awhile Steve and I left that party to go home. We got home around 1 and I had been drinking so I was quite tired I went to bed. Around three in the morning who comes over? Becky comes over to get her clothes at three o clock in the morning. So I asked her about James' party and she said that she and Rose pasted out in a room and he was running around naked. That was it, that was her story. That is fine. I gave her the clothes and went back to bed. Last time I sort of had sex with her I went limp anyway. Halfway through. And I said to her, I said "look, this isn't happening, I am calling it". That is a sign. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes. Oh yeah, I saw the sign. So I am back asleep and I awakened at around nine in the morning by Frances who is doing this bike ride with us today. We rode over to Lisa's house and ended up leaving around 10 in the morning. We went to Crown Point from Griffith, maybe 7-10 miles. Tops. Lisa was dying. Wanting to turn around and such, but we made it anyway and had a nice day in Crown point. It is a nice town. On the way back Steve and Frances blew us away and we were taking it slow because she was hurting. So we talked a bit and it was nice then we finally made it home and it was around 4 in the afternoon. Then she went to Matt’s parents house to swim and I stayed behind, then she called me from his house and asked me to come over. I said maybe and went over there like fifteen minutes later. They were all already out of the pool and eating so I was like c'mon. And then Frances gave me a ride home and her. And she gave me her phone number. And I get home to BeeJay and Steve just watching TV. I wasn't up for it so I did some moving around took a shite started writing and now I am going to shower. I have to work tomorrow. Hah. Peace.Love.

Aug. 6 2002

So not much has been going on. On the first I paid rent and talked to Snake about me moving away and he said that he would rent the house to BeeJay and Matt. So that moved my percentage meter to 100%. I am going to Portland. When I first moved back here I had a button machine and I made a button that said "Going to Poland" and I was just reminded of that. Crazy. I made the button because there was this girl that was 17 years old and wanted to go to Poland but she needed a chaperone. I offered to be the chaperone but things fell through, I think because she barely knew me. And speaking of girls Steve and I were talking about how many girls that we have made out with. I posted about it is April and the number was fifteen. Fifteen in 21 years. Well in the few months since then the number has jumped to twenty, the new five comprising of Rose, Aimee, Becky, Sarah and an old one left out that Steve reminded of, Frances. Steve is at forty, so I am not competition at all, but if things keep up the way they have been I will be a force to reckon with. Because on Saturday I was only nineteen, but I made out with Diane's friend Aimee. It startled many people including me because I never thought that would happen. But when she was engaged and came over here she would give me these looks and I would ask Diane if Aimee was hitting on me. She would say no, but I would still think otherwise and just put my hand in my pocket. So on Saturday she gave me the look and her being un-engaged now I made a move. She is a really good kisser and we all gave fellatio to bananas and breadsticks. She and Diane drew on the nipples of Steve and I and it was just an all out weird night. Then Matt’s little brothers friends showed up to my house and we were just partying with them and had a water bottle fight in the kitchen. Crazy. I don't know if the things I engage in are like odd and new and crazy to anyone else, but I sure do have fun with them. And last night was Monday. I went to see Jimmy Fallon in concert. I didn't know until I got there that it was an MTV promotion, for the video music awards...which he is hosting. But it was cool. I heard about it on the radio that it was at the Park West in Chicago. Ironically that is where Diane works so I asked her if she could get tickets and she did. So we got there and we were "guest list", cool. I wanted to get some posters signed by Jimmy Fallon for my little sisters Sweet Sixteen, but that was a no go. While Diane was backstage trying to do that she told me to get a booth. All the booths were reserved. So I sat in one and was just going to wait for her. Then I was told by a waiter that the booth was reserved and I was like "I know, I removed the sign, it is on the seat next to me…I am just keeping it warm". And he said that was cool but then the hostess came to me and said no way. Then I talked to the waiter again and I said that I was with Diane and he took me to the hostess (Michelle) and she apologized and sat me in a big booth and said that if I ever needed anything just ask for Michelle. I felt cool then. So we were sitting and talking, no luck on the posters, but we sat in the booth that Jimmy Fallon's manager was supposed to sit in so Diane moved us to a little booth and I had a good view of this amazingly hot girl in an orange shirt and I was drinking my beer and talking to Diane and looking at this girl. She was looking at me a little too and we had this eye connection. But for whatever reason, I didn't go talk to her. I wanted to like get up and go to the bathroom when she did and talk to her in the hallway or see her outside or something. I don't know, I just should've talked to her because when she was glancing at me it wasn't a stop looking at me or scared look, she was giving me the why don't you come talk to me look. But I can justify any mistake that I make now and not regret anything. I just tell myself that I am leaving in a couple of weeks anyway and if I did really like that girl it would be a compromise to my situation. Now I don't know if that is true or not, but it works. And another thing that freaked me out, on Sunday night I was over at Frances' house. With Frances and Cousin Lisa. And Cousin Lisa was trying to get me to stay here in this area. She likes me for some reason or she is just fucking with me. I don't know. She is 27 and a tattoo artist and she was asking me why I wanted to move to Portland. I was telling her about how the west coast is just much better suited to my lifestyle, what with being vegetarian and all, and I told her that I would probably go vegan again when I moved out there. So she has the bright idea to offer fronting the money for me to open my own vegan restaurant/coffee house out here. She says that she came put up all the money to get the necessary equipment if I stay and cook there. She will run the coffee part and the tattoo parlor I guess. I am not going to seriously consider her offer because I really don't think that she has the money to front for that. She says that she could get a grant, but I am going to Portland. Maybe I will get my button machine back and make that button. I will make two of them, like I did for Poland, this time for me and Steve and we will actually go. Peace.Love.

Aug. 7 2002

It always seems that in August I am writing about my birthday. Like tonight, being the night of the sixth…some would say last night. However you want to look at it. I was with Frances and Lisa and Frances asked me what I wanted for my birthday (and for no good reason Lisa offered me a hot dog). I told her what I tell everyone: NOTHING. You do not have to get me anything, because I don't really celebrate my birthday. I don't celebrate any of the respected familial holidays that Americanism grows you up to celebrate. Like Christmas, I don't celebrate Christmas. In 2000, my little sister asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her that I wanted her to go and buy some book that I was raving about and read it. I don't remember which book it was exactly, but she asked what I wanted and I told her that. I also told her that I don't want to celebrate Christmas anymore and that she should use any money that she would have wanted to spend on me on herself. To better herself and that book, I think, would have done just that. Then she started spieling to me about how I am letting everyone down and pissing everyone off that I am not celebrating Christmas. That pretty much did it for me. This past Christmas people asked me what I wanted and I said nothing nothing nothing. It became clear to me that I was going to get stuff so I broke down and bought one thing for each of my family members. Not extended family either. Just my parents and my siblings. That was all. Recently I realized that the best thing to get other people would be things that I have created, make things for people and don't spend money, the accepted thing. And Tonight Steve brought up the point that it would be best that whenever someone asks what you want for birthday Christmas or whatever ask them to make you something specific. Meaning that they would have to learn how to make that specific thing and then give it to you, so they would have to get themselves something and then give you something that they created. So Frances kept asking me what I wanted and I continued to say nothing, I was adamant. And then Steve came in the room and I went to bed, yeah that is what happened. That is why there is no more train of thought like that…it is noon on today now…the seventh. I am half way at work, and on my way to do more work and then some howdy doo's. So I guess that when I have a train of thought that I can expel on then I will and things will just emerge from there. Right? Peace.Love. Oh and one more thing, I was just re reading and want to comment. My other sister, Becky, she reads books. I just gave her two Michael Parenti books to read…Against Empire and America Besieged. I gave these to her to read because she is going to be taking US History as she becomes a junior in high school. And today I may teach her how to weave hemp into necklai and bracelei…hah.

Aug. 8 2002

So I guess it is an entirely passive thing. It is quite controllable. Lately people have given extra special attention to my "mojo" and calling me mack-dad. Things like that. Those things spur diary entries like how many people I have made out with. Right? And so now Steve is out in the living room with four girls and I am in the bedroom typing. I don't know, I guess it is just an aura of fakeness out there that I don't really like to be a part of and I don't really want to spoil the fun. I think I did it enough by playing Leonard Cohen over five loud people in one room that are disconnected to that surrounding. It is more talk that has little to no meaning. People say that there are three levels of conversation: talking about people, talking about events and talking about ideas. It also suggests three levels of the intellect. If a person surrounds their thoughts and speech on other people they tend to less intelligent about the world, they worry and work up more on the actions of others. Instead of focusing on creating actions themselves. The second rung is those that talk about events which is a step up. Because they discuss things that are happening instead of discussing the people that make them happen. And the third, those that discuss ideas, that is the top rung of a three rung ladder. Because discussing ideas is the basis of change. Discussing events is the basis of organization. A person that can weave the three together well have a unique opportunity to organize events to teach others creative and progressive ideas and in the process learn from those people. I have met a couple of those people. I am trying to be one. I am not one. I wish.

Aug. 10 2002

You know, in the days that I don't write something always happens. Frances, just a moment ago gave me this disclaimer: keep it to yourself. I asked her if she thought that I don't keep things to myself and she didn't answer, I said I didn't. I said that I have quite a free-spirit and am not ashamed of the actions that I put myself through. Some are stupid, some are lame, and some are kind of neat. So I wasn't understanding Frances when she told me that, there are situations right now that she may or may not know about and if she does I haven't the slightest idea how…and if she doesn't then I just don't understand why she would tell me to keep it to myself. Whatever, and on the way home from the tattoo parlor today I heard some great songs. Yeah. This one that really touched me had a line "some pieces we have lost some we have yet to find" and the guy was singing about the missing pieces of life and how regretting what you have lost or even pining about the things you have lost doesn't help. That is pretty open ended, but it doesn't help because as you pine or whatever, you are missing genuine opportunities to find those new pieces. And I think that finding new pieces is what it is all about and understanding myself and accepting myself for who I am is a very good start to find those new pieces, because if a person isn't alright with themselves, imagine how they are when it comes to other people judging them. They have regret, they look back and cry. I look back and laugh. I am not going to regret any actions, I am going to continue to live my life and I suspect that any person who hinges their life on the life of others isn't doing much to find their pieces. So I say to people that you should not regret your past actions, but learn and accept and push forward and make your own path. Life just doesn't seem that intriguing if you do what everyone else is doing, but when everyone is doing what you are doing, that is a good feeling. Find it. Peace.Love.

Aug. 12 2002

I feel quite good right now. I had a decent evening last night and this one wasn't great, but I saw a great movie. Amelie. Yes. Amazing, I am going to buy it. And I was making a necklace and I was thinking about how I make them and give them away to people and the symbolism that I give to it. See I don't tell people about the symbols because it turns them away, it is like rules. People don't like to be given a set of rules when they get a gift. But I think that I should start explaining them to people and making specific necklai for specific people and really give them the dirt behind the meaning I impose on this jewelry. Okay, the biggest thing is that when I give away the necklace I put it on the person and (try to) tie it so that the only way for it to be removed is a pair of scissors. Yeah, it would have to be cut. It is like the bonds of friendship, to remove this article of friendship you have to cut some part of the relationship. And that is not necessarily good or bad, you should not presuppose the definition of cut. Because it can be looked at as the necklace was cut to fray the ends and create new beginnings in the friendship, a certain part would die but that death would spawn new growth. That is a way to look at it. It can be looked at as the knot is the friendship and to cut it is to destroy the friendship, to take apart what holds it together. That is a negative connotation. Basically I am saying do not pass things off as good or bad just because bad connotations have been associated with the word "cut". Okay, I am delving too deep into something so easy to understand. And then the length of the necklace, one meaning that I have given to it is the looseness or flexibility of a person. Check this, see I would give a loose necklace to someone I though needed to loosen up more. I see that as being too closed off and ,maybe not getting everything they could because they just cant be loose enough and this power of the hemp and the friendship would sort of osmose (?) into the body and that person would then become looser. The specific beads and the bead structure, count, and size speak volumes. Most of the necklai that I make are simple structures and a flat weave. Because I think that many people need to simplify their lives. That they get too caught up in things that maybe don't need to be caught up in and if they just sort of stopped and did a spring cleaning on life they could lose a lot of excess baggage and be lighter and freer. I guess a lot of it has to do with how the two people interact and the strength of friendship or whatever. And it is a lot of belief. Tons of hope. Peace.Love.

Aug. 14 2002

So I started to get another tattoo. Cousin Lisa asked if she could do my right sleeve, the entire thing, so I said yes. It is going to be a river scene, and I like it. The thing about it is, Cousin Lisa likes me and wants me to stay here instead of going to Portland, so I think that is why she decided to start this. Because I am leaving for Portland on Sept. 9th. Today is August 14th. If you see the progress we have made in just four hours under the needle, for the rest of the sleeve, it is going to be a least 16 more days where we do two hours a day. That works out okay, right? Well, consider we have five days a week, Tuesday thru Saturday and the last week of August I will be out of commission. We are going to cut it close. So It seems that I may be back here sooner that I had originally thought to have this finished…or I can fly Lisa out there and she can finish it there. Regardless, I am getting this ink done that I have really wanted for a long time. And I am happy about it. We went to the bar last night, cousin Lisa Diane and PRJ and I. Tiffany comes into town on the 16th. That is exciting. Things are just happening right now and they usually seem to drag until the last week, with all the new stuff going on they are speeding up quicker and it feels like I am leaving tomorrow when in reality I have like three weeks. And I went to see my Mom the other day, she was at the bar with her buddies, so I stopped in. It is so funny how everyone says they are going to Portland, or that they want to. I guess I am one of those people, so that means I can laugh at myself and humility is a great trait as I have previously expressed. Anyway, at the bar, my Moms friend was asking me about Portland a lot and then she says "take my daughter with you". "She works at the gas station up the street, go I n there and tell her you are moving to Portland and ask her if she wants to go with." I said okay, because she said that her daughter was considering joining the army so she could travel. I went to the gas station and the girl wasn't there, there was a cute girl behind the counter and I said "are you Liz" she said no and we laughed. I should've asked that girl. Anyway, she said Liz was outside in her van cleaning it and then I just left. It struck me that I don't have the capacity to invite people to Portland, because I am merely a guest there. And that is rude, but I may go to the gas station again today and talk to that cute girl, invite her to my party or something. Yeah, we are having a going away party/dual birthday party on the seventeenth of August at my house. It is a going away party for me and Steve, my birthday and Cousin Lisa's birthday. It should be fun. Hah, Peace.Love.

Aug. 20 2002

The last few days have been a tumultuous ride of feelings. The highest highs and the lowest lows, great pain and extreme joy. And everything literal. And I have partaken in quite stupid actions, and I was reminded of certain things that I have said in the past that I had gone back on and recreated as false. I think what is going on here is a powerful restlessness that is throwing in all directions to try to have something or do something before I leave and trying to do anything usually guarantees doing the wrong thing. And neglect the words I am using, because nothing is wrong, there is no such thing as the "wrong" thing, or the "right" thing, I just use those terms because they have the closest meaning to what was actually going on. On the 16th, Tiffany came into town. Tiffany is the girl I lived with in NY, she lives in Dallas now and she flew up here for a week. Tiffany really helped me to open up and enjoy such things as gays and lesbians running around on stage making out with each other to crazy live music playing all around them, not only did she help me open up to that, she helped make me want to be up there on that stage with them, regardless of my sexual orientation. But that is for later on in the weekend. What happened the night Tiff got back was this, it was my birthday so we went to my Dads for a bit, not much there. I got some money and I could really use it since I have not been working at all. AT ALL. For nearly two months, I have worked maybe 25 hours. After that we went to a Quarterturn show in Lansing. It wasn't all that great either. We went to the bar down the street after that and that was even less fun, so we left and stopped at a liquor store I bought a case of beer and this is were the stupidity starts. My house became a makeshift party, a precursor to the next night, about 10 people hanging around my house and being loud, drinking. But, also, having fun. Wake up the next morning, clean, and then go looking, with Matt, to buy a keg of beer. We got back around four (maybe) with a keg of beer, a big bucket and that big bucket filled half with ice and a big garbage bag filled half with ice, and a tapper.. We proceeded to put everything in the house and put it together. We put the bucket in the kitchen, we put the keg in the bucket, we put the ice around the keg, and we put the tapper on the keg. But none of use really know what we are doing, so we "tapped" the keg around five, but when my brother got there around eight or something he really tapped it because we had done it wrong. Yeah, the parties I throw are slow starters because until 9 or ten there was practically no one here. But, the ball did get rolling and man oh man was it a party. Cousin Lisa likes me and has been wanting to make out with me, I was drunk enough to succumb to her desire (this is where the stupidity that kind of stuff, the "wrong" but really just not the best thing I could've done, this is where all that comes into play). Although, I will do this in a chronological order (as chronological as I remember) and remember the words that Tiffany said to me all through it. BeeJay has this friend from work named Katie, she likes me, BeeJay told me and he said that they talk about me at work so he is basically feeding her things about me. And some how I got stuck in the hallway with her and we were talking and I was slowly walking her back into my room, in my room we proceeded to close the door and talk. I could not have been much of a conversationalist at that time, but she say that I was funny and unlike anyone she has ever met and then I kissed her. Then we made out a little bit. Then our alone time was disrupted…as it should be…and I was back in the web of things. Walking out on the porch, who was there but cousin Lisa and she pulls me to her and starts licking me. So we kissed on the porch in front of everyone outside and that, well, that happened. Then back inside was Aimee and Aimee and I have sort of been flirting, it is said that she wants attention and it has also been said that I want to make out, so I guess we filled both of our voids that night as we made out a little too. And when Becky was about to leave we were in the hallway again and I was not going to make out with her, our situation, by my hopes, it strictly friendship now, but she asked me to kiss her goodbye. So I did. And this didn't happen in that rapid fire, there was plenty of fodder in between like I was hitting on my brothers date quite a bit. And one of Alex's wife's friends. See that is where the stupidity is ringing, because there was no need for me to be a part of all of that. This is what Tiffany ringed loud in my ear the next day. About the changes I have succumbed too since she has last been here, or even just since I have been here. Because these things were in me last time she was here, I just had no outlet. It is a lateral expansion as I tried to explain to her, but my condition the next day was not the best one for an explanation from Zen. So I did my best to say to her that I am being stifled in this place, that I cannot grow up or down, but only sideways, I cannot learn new things only expand on things known. She made the point that it was the same for her in Dallas, and well I was not in the condition to put anything ultra serious on her, because I would have to comfort her afterwards. But she moved to Dallas to be with a psychiatrist. Not sexually, just so he could be her doctor because she has a turbulent past and they are working through it. In this place I have a turbulent past too, and I have to deal with it myself, I do not have the money to see any kind of doctor let alone move to be doctored by a specialist. I let that one slide, because I already knew that the actions I had partaken in were not the kind of actions, well, it just took a lot of people by surprise. Including me, it surprised and aroused me. Aroused me in not the way you are thinking, aroused me in the way that "hey I can do this". It aroused a belief in myself about the sexual stratosphere that I have chosen to take part in. (there is a lot of deep political statement in those words that I just wrote and now I understand what it means to use words…whatever you think that means…) Anyway. So yeah, I made out with four girls that night. That was that for the night, I ended up passing out on my bed (amazing) around five in the morning. Steve stayed up… Hah. So I got up at 1030 in the morning and looked at the keg, it was still Ľ full and Matt was cleaning, he took it outside. By 11 am I was drinking again. By one or two I was drunk with a messed up ankle, because I was an idiot. By the time the after party from the previous night started I was thoroughly wasted. This is when Tiffany was laying things down on me and luckily Steve was there to help say what I wanted too, because I was, like I said, in no condition. And I think I passed out (on my bed again) around two in the morning, I was awoken up at 4 in the morning and I started drinking again while Steve and Sara and Tiffany (and me a little bit) were running around in rain semi naked. And oh yeah, for some reason Becky was half naked in my bed too and sleeping with me. Nothing happened (I think) but I do have a very large hickey on my back. Freaky. Yeah, my entire body is busted. And I woke up Monday morning with no headache, like nothing happened. Then I cleaned. Then people started doing things. And around five we were all ready and leaving for Chicago to see Le Tigre. That was quite an experience. Even with my hobbling body, we made it up there and ate at the Chicago Diner which is an all vegetarian mostly vegan restaurant. It was great I had gyros made out of seitan with vegan cucumber sauce. Mmmm. The show was amazing, the first band Erase Errata we didn't get to catch all of it. I saw the last two songs, but then Panty Raid. Remember when I was talking about the gays and lesbians running around on stage and wanting to be with them, this is the band. Panty Raid. To the show, these people went: Nick Heidi Tiffany Jamie Steve PRJ Garret Frances Lisa Diane and I. We went for Le Tigre and they were amazing. Ultimate feminist band talking about feminism and politics, I really think that Frances got a taste of something she can use and hopefully Lisa picked something up. Nick didn't like it, but Heidi did. We don't know about Diane or Jamie. PRJ and Garret were probably just like "cool". Tiffany was up front and loving it. Steve and I were dancing. We were amazed and awed and it was just great. At one point Kathleen Hanna said to the crowd: You are not going to be a feminist and be cool, feminists are not popular and that is something we have to get used too. It reminded me of what Tiffany was saying to me the other night, because she said that I wasn't a feminist anymore, that I had lost that. I didn't, I don't think. I think that for a little while something built up in me and I was just trying to be cool. And I couldn't find the balance point. Regardless, her words affected me and although I didn't show it then, I feel it now and will try to progress although here and now it isn't easy to stop something and turn it around. It is easier to just start over and that is what Portland is for me. I tried and tried to explain that. I just hope that it is understandable…Peace.Love.

Aug. 23 2002

Lately Steve and I have been having some fun. And learning some things, truly. See I always used to call him a girl…like when we lived in Olympia he would do something and I would say "you are such a girl". And I started doing that again, or just continued doing it. And he asked me about it. I said that it wasn't a cut-down, because I would rather be a girl than a man. Or at least considered one, based on the popular outlook. See when I think of a man, a "real man" I think like Chevy Trucks and slapping wives and drinking every night and watching any sport possible, I think that real men cheat on their wives and neglect their children, I don't think that real men have the capacity to listen to anyone or do anything unless it is totally beneficial to them, etc. I do not consider myself a man. Although I know most people don't take words into this kind of unraveling, I do sometimes, sometimes too much. But this one I let slide, like if someone says "hey, man" I don't respond "I am not a fucking man, fuck you" I say "What’s Up". You know? And after describing man, there is also woman, boy, girl, female, all kinds of words that are taken for granted. And in my head I have my own description for each one that is malleable. It does change, but the "man" does not. And the principles of the others do not either, for example: Woman, or anything female like girl means compassion, caring, love, trust, stuff like that; and boy is youth, adventure, things like that. But describing too much there are nit pick things, like is a girl not adventurous? No, of course it is not like that. It is basically saying that whatever body parts you hide under your pants, you are who you are. No gender oriented name can described you. So someone with a vagina could be a man. (Sometimes when you lose, you actually win.) Or someone with a penis could be a girl. (Sometimes when you win, you actually lose.) And, of course, someone with a vagina could be a girl, or someone with a penis could be a boy. (Sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie.) And then there are the trannies, the gender freaky people, which this really benefits. Because regardless of the scarcity (or relative scarcity) of them, they do exist and participate in society. There are laws that say when you fill out a job application there needs to be a check box for other under ethnicity, because some people don't fit into the popular ethnic groups. Imagine what it is like when you are neither male nor female, and there are only two boxes. It has to be horrible. I mean, society just forgets about these things, tries to hide them away and thinks "out of sight, out of mind" or something. I really don't know. I just know that I am not a man. I am more like a female-boy. And that is important too, because the female comes first, like it is the dominant. It is a whole philosophy, I guess, and one that I haven't read about, just thought and heard and talked about. In the movie Trainspotting, Renton says that society is moving towards no more men or women, just wankers, and that is okay with him. That is okay with me too. So by saying that is okay, I will become one of the first self-proclaimed wankers. Because I really don't feel that I fit in with either sexual orientation. I have a penis, but I don't think that I would be comfortable hanging out with the guys…actually I know I wouldn't. And I don't feel entirely comfortable hanging with the girls because I am not one of them, literally. You know? It is like being between a tree and a fence. (My take on a rock and a hard place.) And I guess that the way to get out of that is to find something new, something with an ocean view. And educate those around me to the ideas I have and grow from there. We will see. Create.Peace.Love.

Aug. 24 2002

So like I was saying yesterday, I want to keep a little in tune with that and describe an observation. So I had to go with Matt this morning to purchase another keg of beer and all that entails for his brothers bachelor party. Now I thought that a bachelor party could have girls, but I guess it can only have girls without clothes. Whatever. So we got there with the keg for ten guys sitting around talking about searing meat and cars. Calling people every derivative of faggot that is possible…and meaning it in the worst way. They made fun of tofu and other such things, I was just hanging with the guys and found myself denouncing everything they said while I shrank further and further from them. I didn't say a word, but hi. I wanted too just start spewing rhetoric, but I couldn't. That audience cared not. So I left. I said to Matt, hey you ready, and he said yes. He felt it too, I think, because he didn't say a word either. It really didn't help to brighten my outlook on the typical man. It worsened it, oh, and one thing that I left out yesterday is the realization that I am half-gay. Meaning that I can look at guys and with a level head say they are cute and not want anything sexual out of it…life and love is not about sex, whoever tells you otherwise is a man. Hah. Anyway, I was thinking a lot and I want to come up with definitions (I know that borders aren't what are needed here, but I want some structure to this theory) for each derivative of male and female to sort of get away from the typicalities of that I am man because I have penis. I want men to be women, I want that. Seriously. And I want other people to see these definitions and think that they are not exactly what they thought. Maybe one of those quizzes like they have on theSpark.com…but this would be totally serious. I am going to try to develop it, along with all kinds of other projects that I start for myself. Hah, like the other day I started writing an essay that would attempt to point the US Drug Problem to the CIA and that the police were just enforcers of the government sponsored drug trade. I just have an outline for that, and now I am half collecting facts/half sitting on it. And I have been downloading some new Jad Fair songs, that he did with Daniel Johnston and Jason Willet, and Teenage Fanclub and others. They are really good songs. I would categorize, right now, Half Japanese and Jad Fair as the most influential band for me. But that changes, as I change. As everything changes and gets better. Right? Create, Peace.Love.

Aug. 26 2002

So I worked today. It was work, but it kinda felt good to be active, out of the house. But I got home and had a realization. When I used to get home from work (and today too) I don't want to do anything, just sit there. And I said that is the benefit (?) of working, you can sit there and you have an excuse. I was sitting there all day when I wasn't working. I guess I have no point with anything. Kind of like I have no purpose. And that is to say that I do have a purpose and a point, but it isn't the clearest thing in the world. My purpose and my point is kind of wrapped up, my point is my intuition, it is my thought, it is mine, and it isn't easy to transcend that to other. To transcend, correctly, you have to be on some sort of common plane. Because if you aren't there is no connection. Lately I have been enjoying being on a plane with multiple people and it isn't usually like that. Matt and I are having good conversations about things and Steve and I are having good conversations about things, and Tiffany and I are having good conversations about things, and I guess I am just having a lot of good conversation. I don't know. I never know anything, it is like my disclaimer, so that when this is read if I am wrong, I already stated that I don't know. Nothing can be held against me. Hah. I beat the bastards of city hall!!! And I starting to condense again for Portland. 13 days. That is it. I don't have any money really, I have some stuff and that is about it. I figure Steve and I will send a box of stuff out there and then I will leave on the bus on the 9th. He will leave on the plane on the 12th. We should get there around the same time. I might be there a little earlier, depending. Anyway, I had a point here that was easier to understand. Oh, about what I was taking and jazz like that…I am taking this computer and my two bike buckets and my back-pack. That is pretty much everything I own right there. The box will have framed photos and some guitars, stuff that isn't really necessary. I figure that when I get there I will have about 300$ and a whole lotta hope. When I got to NY I had about the same and I was moving into a similar situation, although I didn't know it. It was Tiffany and Virginia in NY and I had no clue…but I had my own bedroom. In Portland it will be Steve and Carfin and I will be sharing a room, so hey. I am going to plug a band real quick, Teenage Fanclub. Okay, basically because of all their stuff with Frank Black and De La Soul and Jad Fair and others. There is that name again…Jad Fair. Never Forget. So I guess I am started to get ready to go, I have very little outward change. I even mentioned it to Steve tonight, because he clapped his hands after we high fived and it was pretty cool. And he said that I loved it, but I didn't even blink an eye. I did enjoy it, it was really quick and a good clap…(whatever, right)…but with everything in my life, like you cant tell if I enjoy it or not. It is weird. I sometimes don't even know because I just don't show it outwardly like I don't thank people too often and that kind of stuff but I always smile, and now this is just getting to the point of "what am I talking about???" so I will just call it and get back into it when I have something to say. Create, Peace.Love.

Aug. 27 2002

So I had this semi-realization today. It was semi because I have realized it before it is just know I was realizing it and expressing it to someone else. That someone else was Tiffany. Now that I have built it up to the climax I will bring it back down a notch. I worked again today; it was pretty much the same as yesterday, it feels much better now working with my brother and father. I think a lot of it comes from the month and a half break...lets say that is 40% there, and then there is 30% from the addition of Kadidlehopper…my dads friend that is also working this job with us. I am sort of in charge of him, no I am not, it is just that it this situation he is the bitch and not me (and I will explain the importance of this…my brother and my dad need a scapegoat, a bitch, someone to take their frustration out on and to do work like running the chipping hammer and mixing mud, I don't agree with having a bitch, I don't think it is necessary, but they do and I was that to them, it made it so bad when I didn't think that the position was necessary and at the same time I filled the role…understand? Anyway, I don't treat him like a bitch, I get in there and do the bitch work with him, I don't know, see I still know more about the situation than him but we do the same work, okay enough explanation). About 10% comes from the added respect my family gives me for not backing down and doing what I feel I should, it quitting in moving and in helping out the family when help is needed, I think people respect that kind of self application. Where a person does what they want, not just bitch about wanting to do it. Okay, that has been explained too. After work we went out for lunch/dinner at the Mexican restaurant by the airport with my dad, my brother and stepmother, tiffany, matt and I. It was a nice dinner and we all enjoyed it I think. When we got back (Tiffany Matt and I) we sat and talked for a while, about how Tiffany is corrupting Matt to think that the house is haunted and that we should burn everything in the house and start closing the door. Half of that is a joke. Because, they want to burn the furniture in the laundry room and I think get rid of the Trujillo's (paintings) in the house. I just don't want to see all this stuff that I have left here go to shit so I am going to take the Trujillo's and put them away in an attic. And we talked about other things, we had a nice conversation. After Matt left for school Tiff told me about her falling out with PRJ and this is where the beginning of this come into play. He got pissed off at her last night for making out with his best friend. That is understandable, but she didn't know whether or not she should call him and she is leaving tomorrow. I said to call him and if he wont talk to you that is one last person you need to call long distance. She said that she didn't want to give up that friendship like that. This is the realization expressed: I said to her "What I do when I am leaving is piss off as many people as possible because then I don't have to keep up false friendships when I am gone, and if I come back and things are cool, cool." That is basically what I said and to translate it I would say this: The people I meet, many of them are just kind of filler. Some I want to keep in touch with and be friends with for a long time, some I could care less about and I want to show that caring less about now instead of carrying that baggage with me. I don't want to keep up any kind of false friendship because what is the point? I know it is stupid because false friendships have hope to materialize into something great, but I am an idiot and if only for personal reasons I kind of stop communicating with people right before I leave. It doesn't make sense, it is just what I do, as I write it I cannot think of any combination of words that would justly explain it. So I am going to leave it at that and not worry about it. It looks like 12 days until I leave for Portland and Tiffany leaves tomorrow morning, I have just started some dreadlocks that I like. Life is a river and the current is picking up around this bend, I am letting the flow take me because although I cannot see around the bend, I want what is there…foolishness, I guess. Create, Peace.Love.

Aug.30 2002

Portland is a go. I bought my bus ticket yesterday and Sleater-Kinney tickets today. That is all you need to solidify your existence in a new place…two sets of tickets and yourself. I am now one with Portland. I remember the first time I was there (I write this like I had been there many times) I was with Nick Mother from Olympia and he was driving me to San Francisco. We drove past Portland, I am not even sure if we were ever actually in the city limits, oh well, I saw a building and I thought it was Portland. That is half joke. My Dad asked me today if I was excited, now that I have some tickets and I told him "Yes." Haha. Then he said "That didn't seem like a very excited yes" and me "well, I am going into this situation with no expectations and the more I think about it the more I will want to expect, so the excitement is there just not shown" and he "so you are thinking about it like you are moving down the street" me "yes". End conversation. And the excitement is there, I think I am also a little more complacent to it because this isn't a new occurrence for me, this will be "New Move 3", so I feel sort of seasoned but I know it isn't easy. Well, I know that it isn't easy if you don't know what you are doing, I am not breaking a sweat on the whole thing, it will be kind of difficult at first with all the adjustment, but the reward will definitely outweigh whatever risk I am taking. If that makes sense? I am just stating that if you haven't done anything like this before and you think about it don't be scared because everything works out perfectly. Where did that come from? It has been there awhile. Steve is flying out on the 12th I will get there on the 11th he will have my tooter and my package should come in on the 11th or 12th. That is if I send it the day I leave. This package is the biggest box UPS will send, because I am going to have some guitars in there and some pictures. I feel kind of gluttonous with having two buckets a bag and a big box but that box will house some of Steve's stuff and ease my carrying load. And forget about it anyway. Yeah, I feel really good right now, I feel like life and I are connecting and getting along and working with each other, I don't feel like I am swimming up river at all. I don't love this life in vain, because the love that I show is returned to me. And I believe that works with anything in life, what you give is what you get and how you treat others is how you will be treated. Keep an eye on that ball and keep yourself in check, watch how you treat the world the environment, animals and then see how your life changes as your outlook changes. Suffering is something that doesn't have to be constant, but the more people make things suffer, the more people will suffer. And there are a lot of people that think that their contribution doesn't matter that they can continue their lives without change and everyone else will make up for it, but that just isn't so. You need to think of life as if you are the only one there and whatever you do affects the world immensely. Look at life as if you not only make a difference but that you are the difference and then life will be wonderful for you too. Hah. I don't know where that tangent came from, but believe in life and yourself and let your feelings flow and most of all live your life now the way you want too, don't ever wait for anything. If you feel now that you will be a better person by doing something, then do it…don't stay in a sticky situation just because you feel obligates, your only obligation is yourself and the better you treat yourself the better you will treat the world and life and we already spoke about the effects of how you treat life (treat life the way you want to be treated) Okay, I guess that is enough. Create, Peace.Love.

Sept. 1 2002

Yeah, so we did the wedding yesterday...I didn't get married. Not at all. What happened was this, Frances and Aaron got married. Okay here is the breakdown, I got up at eight and went to work, until noon. That wasn't great, but that was work and when I got home I made some food and around 2 Sara showed up, then Diane, then Katie. There are the three dates, Steve Mine and BeeJays. Then BeeJay and Katie left. Steve and I were racking our brains to sign the card and when we did we all left. We made it to the wedding about seven minutes before it actually began. Quickly after getting there Steve and I were summoned from the maid of honor for a special audience with the bride (Frances). She specially requested us to come talk to her before she got married. Crazy. And then Janice (the maid of honor) asked us to be Bubble Bitches and pass out bubbles to everyone. Now I have no place at a wedding, honestly, but when I am supposed to go talk to all these people and give them things, it is crazy. But we did and that was fine. Then there was the ceremony and the one thing that sticks out (and further solidifies my rejection to the institution of marriage) when the pastor was talking about the rings. He said that the value of these rings is the value of your love. It seemed to me, the way it was said, that he was referring to the monetary value and he was also talking about the strength of the metal (and if they were gold, gold isn't that strong of a metal...). And the ceremony, I thought, was really just a big advertisement. I am not buying in. Enough of that talk. After the ceremony (around three thirty) we were all just hanging around, and BeeJays date was standing dangerously close to me and giving me these looks. Way to early for that. I had other things to do. I got a ride from Sara to Alex's house to get his car. I had places to be in the city. I got to the city around 530 and left at 10 after 6. I didn't keep my entire end of the deal (waiting until 630) but, I was there. Then I got back around 7 and came home to change. Changed and at the reception around 730. Two hours into the reception and people are already wasted, open bar does that I guess. Steve was exceptionally gone and spelunking for something. Because he just kept going deeper even after I told him "slow the release, bring it in gradually" a rip off from Trainspotting. I took it slow I had six or seven beers before 1030. There was craziness at the wedding, Katie took me aside relatively early into the ordeal and was hitting on me. And I just kept on saying, you are BeeJays date, this shouldn't be happening. She said it was harmless...I knew otherwise, so I tried to get her into someone that wasn't me. My first thought was Steve but she wasn't into him. Then BeeJay, but she wasn't into him either. So eventually I found some of Josh's friends (Matt’s little brother) and she knew one of them and they went on the moonlight walk and came back arm in arm. Phew. I wiped the sweat off of my forehead. Around 900 Steve was getting very down with the maid of honor (Janice) and around 930 he was out by the river puking. Also around 900 Aaron took me aside and thanked me for being such good friends with Francis and he was really sincere about it. It was nice. I was just being responsible and having a good time last night, all kinds of other people were getting wasted off of their asses (free drinks, you know) and I guess it just doesn't interest me really, I mean, if I get wasted outside of my house I am getting arrested or run over, so I just stick to getting wasted at my own house and everywhere else is casual. So around 1030 when the place was shutting down I was trying to get Steve to leave before the cop forced him out and well, he got out of there on his own, kind of. Then I went to the bar with Alex and his wife and her friends. And a few people from the wedding. They weren't digging the bar, so I directed them to a different after wedding party. After I left them there I went back to the bar for a half hour and came home. I went to bed. Then I woke up in the morning, no splitting headache, and no regrets. And that was that...just another day and night in the life...Peace.Love.

Sept. 2 2002

I have had Alex's car for at least two days now and I want him to have it back. But today I was riding in it and listening to a Lou Reed CD "Set the Twilight Reeling" I love this disc, it is amazing. Song 1 I don't know what purpose it has except for my theory of great albums putting the worst song first to deter anyone that might just want to listen and not understand. Anyway, I was listening to it and I thought that I should write Lou Reed and ask for a poetic residency, to see if he would take me under his wing like Andy did for Jean-Michel and I could be a Jean-Michel for Lou. His writing style singing style, his overall style, the way he carries himself, the patience in his voice, it totally intrigues me. So I am going to write him a letter and ask him if he would have an apprentice and send him my poetry book and some other work, explain what is going on in my life and what not. It would probably be a joke to most people, but the sincerity that would be in this would be felt, and I think something good will come of it. Now I just have to find an address hah. Peace.love.

Sept. 3 2002

Eat great, even late. I hate advertising. There is no reason for me to know the Wendy's ad when I drive by it. And it kind of perturbs me that I do. See here is what happened, Last night I got Alex to take his car back and that was nice, he stayed over for a bit and he and Steve and I had a nice long discussion, about real ideas and events. It was amazing. I think that we made a dent in him. Around one in the morning I went to go on the internet and it was today already. I left the guys a note a couple of weeks ago that said the power and phone were to be shut off on the third and that they should do something before that…they didn't. This episode doesn't help to brighten my outlook of their lasting power, but I am not always right…usually I am wrong, and usually I wholeheartedly admit, because in this situation particularly I don't want to be right. So then I went to bed and got up in the morning and went to work, got a call from Matt at work for him to tell me about the phone. I genuinely want to help these guys, but it is also kind of laughable for two adults to be so out of it and irresponsible toward things. It just doesn't give any reason to hope. And I really want reasons to hope, because I but a tattoo on my body that says still hoping and will be there whether or not hope is, so I am definitely rooting for the prevalence of hope. And with all of my rooting, I am still not seeing much to cheer for. I don't know. Anyway, all that aside, I talked with my Dad he paid me $600 for last week which was basically a $200 raise from my old salary, very cool. I am working part-time this last week to get some last minute funds assistance. Then I went to the tattoo parlor to work on my tattoo…which is coming along great. We have 10-15 hours of work in it right now and are 3/5 done with a half sleeve. Very exciting. Lisa talked with me about it today too, because I guess more people (friends of mine, like Alex) are asking for free tattoos. And she basically said that she is only doing mine for free because she wanted to have a sleeve in her book and I wanted a sleeve. After about four hours of tattooing, I came home and Matt was quick to talk to me. He basically wanted to bestow the woes of independent living…and try to blame a few of them on me. Like, because they waited for the phone and power to pass the date I stated for shut off they have to pay some money to get it reinstated. Matt said $500 and he said it was my fault. All I had to say was that they could've called and taken care of it the week I posted the notes (and I only leave notes up long enough for all involved to read then I remove them, generally no longer than three days) and then we could've worked something out. In the way this world works if you are not on top of your life and the things that revolve around it the government will eat you alive (and I can say government as a general thing here, because who really runs this country? GWB or DUPONT?). Then after that Matt went to school and I sat and listen to Lou Reed some more with these two candles burning and just fell into this intense state of euphoria. Then I started to read a magazine called "BUST" it is a very cool feminist magazine that I want to subscribe too. While reading this Nick called me and asked if I would come hang out with them because he didn't think that he would see me again before I left. So I went and it was Nick Heidi Jamie Dave and I. Jamie was being exceptionally nice and caring and towards me. She seemed really sad that she wouldn't get to talk to me anymore; she even insisted that we have another going away party. Hah. I have always thought that Jamie was really cute and that she didn't like me, not even just "not liked me" that way, but was just opposed to who I am. And since Steve has gotten back, we have become much better friends but this night, it was unexpected the way she was acting…I don't know. And we talked a little bit; I brought the magazine to show people because it is really amazing. And then I left and I drove past a Wendy's on the way home and thought to myself "Eat Great, Even Late". And as previously said, I didn't like it. Create, Peace.Love.

Sept.5 2002

I was thinking again about why I act the way I do when I am leaving, why it seems like I am pushing people away and being more of a dick. I was making pancakes, thinking about Matt in particular and it came to me. I want them to be happy when I leave. Especially Matt and BeeJay I want them to say "Thank God he is gone" because that will work to do two things, right now they will band together in defiance of what I am representing and when I leave they wont be thinking that it will be harder without me, they will think that it is easier. Easier because they already know they don't need someone like me. It is kind of a lesson in life that I learned a long time ago and I use myself to help teach others. You don't need anyone. I learned to survive on my own being me and if anyone tries to "need" me to survive, to depend on me I pull this routine on them and while it destroys friendships and relationships, it makes that other person so much stronger and I survive. Kind of like the song "Adventurer" Lou Reed: "as you move further from me and though I understand the thinking and have often done the same thing I find parts of me gone you're an adventurer and though I'll surely miss you and of course I'll survive without you and maybe good will come of that but at this point I anticipate some grieving and although I know you're leaving is a necessary adjunct to what we both do". And while those lyrics don't hit everyone the same way, they really do a number on me. And it gives me hope that someone truly understands the way I feel about these things and while that person may be Lou Reed because he seems to feel the same way because he wrote the lyric, it is good to know that someone really feels the same. I like to give people strength. I try too, at least. And I am often lambasted as an asshole or a dick because of it. Because I don't tell people I am offering them strength I am just giving it to them and they take it how they want. Most people that I really work on, I think, get it. And if Matt and Beejay don't already feel this empowerment of me leaving, they will soon. I have been asking them what they are going to do with the place when I leave and they don't tell me…but they used to. They used to tell me and I would offer suggestions, now they don't tell me because they don't want my suggestions. I was talking to Matt the other day about rent or talking to Snake and he seemed like he didn't want to talk to me about that because I was an outsider and that is what I was waiting for so I took off. See, for me, it sucks after this realization is reached. Once these people accept and I am being put on the outside, because I like to be on the outside, but it just further proves to me that I have spent too much time here and need to just be out and in another life. A new setting, my new tomorrow starts today (kind of). Peace.Love.

Sept. 6 2002

So while I am here let me chronicle the time. I don't know exactly why I am doing this; I think it is because Matt was just really acting sour towards me, blaming problems on me. And I said that he shouldn't do that because he isn't a dick…he said that I was a dick. And I retaliated with "you shouldn't be a dick just because I am, I have always been a dick (in varying forms) this is not who you are". And then I gave him the be who you are not who others are and he left. Anyway, I think that conversation is driving me to write these things that I am about to write. Here we go, when I was eighteen I took off with my girlfriend to New York, that resulted in me getting kicked out of my parent's house. I moved in with my Mom. Then I took off on a cross-country magazine selling job and got fired in Ohio for my beliefs. Got back and lived with my Dad again, then I met a girl on the internet and asked to borrow my parent's car to drive to Texas, they said okay. Before I left, however, I moved into the city of Chicago. So being in Chicago I went to Dallas, to meet Robin. I stayed there for about a week (maybe longer, I don't remember) and learned many things about myself and about people. I got back and was living in Chicago still, but the lease would run out and that would leave me no place to be again. I packed everything I had into said car borrowed from my father and went to my nineteenth birthday party at his house. I had everything in the car that I owned, and no one knew that I was leaving except my Mom and a few friends, I had asked them not to tell anyone and I don't think they did. So after the party I went to sleep in various places and I left in the morning for New York. This was August 17. I got to NY on the 18th or 19th. And moved in with this girl Tiffany that I met on the internet. I called and told my Dad I had stolen the car and was living in NY and that I wasn't coming home. In November I made a surprise visit, but here is what I wanted to talk about, my relationship to this area right now. Before I left NY I scored some dope from my neighbour because I didn't feel that I could survive in this area without a constant drug regiment. I wasn't high all the time, but a lot of it. And I don't smoke pot that often, but that time I needed it. I would've gone crazy, had I been without it, I left because I was fed up with the situation in this area, the stagnancy, the despondency, the despair that was in the air. It disgusted me and luckily I masked it all. I left a few days later and was very happy to be in NY. The next time I was here was in May of 2000. Steve had come out to NY and we were traveling cross-country but turned around near Palm Springs CA. We came back to this area and I had no drugs with which to keep myself at bay. I was here maybe two weeks and it was horrible, I felt things falling apart around me. I was question my friendship with Steve and everything was wrong. I left in June for Olympia. I needed no drugs there to calm me, because everything was open and beautiful and new. It was amazing. And I am sure it still is. I was on the west coast for a little less that a year when I came back here because I was falling apart out there. I now feel that what was happening to me out there was some sort of supreme cleansing and I ran from it, I wasn't ready for it, I ran back to where things were so complacent and stagnant that I could come down. And after I came down (about two or three months) I started to recoil back into the other kind of despair. And I have been spiraling downward. There are little things that I can do to pick myself up and keep myself going, but when things come to a point, I do what I have to do. So it was March of 2001 when I got back here and I am still here. I was just talking with BeeJay about a painting on my wall; it is a circle of life. And there are lines and dots. The first line ends and starts the dots the dots start at 21 and go in odd numbers to 39. Then there is another line straight down. Basically what it represents is that the first line is the formative years of life where a person finds who they are and what they want to do. And at 21 they need to start doing that. I didn't. I am 22 now and I am pushing off in a few days to be back on the west coast and maybe (hopefully) face my fears again. So basically, what I am saying is that this place is not the best for me, it is like my own personal hell. And hell is representational and meaningful. There is a reason that most stories are based on conflict of good and evil, heaven and hell, love and hate. The reason is that those two work with each other to create bliss, when the balance is recognized and we can invoke just enough of each in our lives to balance everything out, that is bliss. So I don't hate this place, I don't hate anything, I understand that everything that is represents something and each things does its part for the whole and the way that I interact with everything and let everything interact with me will be the basis of my own teeter totter of bliss. I have spent multiple seasons in "hell", so it is time to give "heaven" a chance again. Peace.Love.

Sept.8 2002

It looks as if I cannot get enough. Any way I was saying that tomorrow is the day that I leave, and when I arrive I will be in Portland. Portland OR. So I spent this weekend at Diane's for her birthday party. Whatever, the time is short and I can seem to type at all right now, and the weekend is the past. I met some people, had a good time. Usually when I go somewhere new and I am writing I start a new journal and title it to correspond with my overall mood. Well, I am keeping this same diary and continuing to call it Diaries for a New Generation but, I did get a new book for poetry and that sort of thing, I have titled it and I have already started writing in it. The title is Valour: The 2000 Series. I a not exactly sure what it is going to encompass, but the first couple writings are somewhat positive. A poem, and the next entry is just a mini-essay about idiotcracy and prevalence. I cannot be a part of this computer right now; I guess next it will be Portland, Peace.Love.

Sept. 12 2002

Amazing. Portland is truly there. Okay, so while I was on the bus there were some unpleasant things and pleasant things, of which I will divulge all my writing on the bus…later. I got into Portland yesterday, got off the bus at around 4 pm. Good good, sun sun shining down on me and accepting me in this new place of fortune. And it took me awhile to get my bike together, because I really just don't know what I am totally doing with that thing...I never have. After wrestling with the tires and then getting all my luggage on the back, it was intense, let me tell you. There was like sixty pound on the back of my bicycle and it was funny because my bike couldn't really handle it and my tire would rub against my frame when I turned because it was so weighed down. And it took me a minute to find out exactly where I was going, but once I did it was amazing. I was just cruising along in BIKE LANES! and other bikers were courteous to my whale. One even slowed to ride with me and talk to me about where I am going, where I am from and just genuinely caring. And then I finally make it to the apartment…it is funny, because I was so nervous, I was about to go meet this girl whom I had barely even talked to and live with her. So, I parked my bike by the tree took off my backpack and drank the rest of my water, she was walking outside (and although I had never really seen a picture of her, I knew it was Catherine) and I was like "okay, I have to do this thing, what else am I going to do? Wait a day out here for Steve? No." So it was really cool, like I walked up there and she was walking down the stairs and she knew me right away, and she hugged me (Catherine is a good hugger) while I was all sweaty and we talked a bit then I came upstairs and we talked a bit more. I took some stuff out and she went to the store, she came back and we just hung out on the deck and talked until it came to a point and I took a shower. Then we went to eat at DOTS it is a really cool place. They have vegan fare and 22oz Rolling Rock bottles. Hah. So I had a really good vegan sandwich and a RR. We talked a lot more and it was really cool, like she is an amazing girl and I am glad that we hit it off so well. Then, while we were eating, her sister came up and talked to us and she is a cool girl too. Then she left we finished she came back (she is Erin and boyfriend Alan), got food for carryout and we started walking home. Instead of going straight home we went to the END OF THE UNIVERSE PUB and that was amazing, we had a pitcher of beer and put two dollars in the jukebox. The first song we picked out was "Blue" by Joni Mitchell and it was odd how that came about because we were hitting it off all night and then we are looking at this jukebox and I am going to type in 0009 and right as I start pushing buttons she says "do 0009 next" and I was already doing it. I don't know, those little things are really cool. So we played Joni and the Pixies, some VU, Elliott Smith, and I think that is it. We played a game of darts and it was close I won by 19 points and two darts. Then we continued to walk and talk home, got there and talked more on the balcony. And then we were getting tired and I was going to just go to bed and she was just going to go to bed. And she says to me (as she is coming out of the bathroom) "if it isn't too weird for you, would you sleep with me in my bed tonight?" and I was a little apprehensive, because I had said to myself it is the same thing as NY no inter-apartment physical relationships (but she is much cuter than tiffany and, actually, much more in tune with me because she is very toned down among other things). So we laid down and it was really cool, nothing happened, we talked and played with the cats and then went to bed, one time she got out of bed and I was still asleep but I woke up when she was gone. And I had this feeling, like, I had had it before, but this time the words materialized with the feeling, so this feeling that when you are sleeping next to someone you just know when they are gone. Like I could feel her not there anymore and we weren't even touching each other. I wanted to relate that to her at the oh so early morning hour but thought it would sound a little odd. So I restrained myself from saying anything. And we woke up a few times and were just kind of sitting there in bed. I don't know, it is all a weird thing, she is a really cool, amazing girl, but she is also lonely and my roommate. Steve arrives today and together we will be able to fill her lonesomeness. Whatever, I don't even know where I am going with this. So yeah, Portland is amazing and I am the happiest kid around.

Sept. 14 2002

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So the night that Steve got in we were laying in our bedroom, which is really cool. I got here and there were two queen size beds in this room, a dresser, a desk and a chair. I think I am pretty good with space management. I took the doors off of the closet and put one bed in there and the other on the opposite side of the room with the chair at the end of Steve's bed and that has the guitars and the amplifiers. Right next to that is this desk with which I am typing on this computer, and across from this desk is the dresser. So we have all of our clothes hanging in this closet and I am just sort of sleeping under them (very Oly reminiscent) and it is really nice (although this queen size bed is quite frivolous…I was scared when I first laid down, because I couldn't reach the edge…scary). Speaking of frivolosity, I don't really like it. And like I started, we were laying in here and talking and our door is open, Carfins door is open and Steve and I are talking, so I don't see why she shouldn't be involved and I yelled to her. She came in here and I proposed the situation to her that if Justin Gall does move up here we should all just sleep in this room together and let him have the little room. Seems like an amazing idea to me. And there was a little talk and she went to her room to sleep and Steve and I talked ourselves to sleep. The next day, yesterday, was cool. We walked around and half looked for jobs half stared in amazement. We met really cool people, did F(ood)N(ot)B(ombs), went shopping and it was an all around great day. When we got home we played a game of cards and then Carfin came home and we played more cards. I won both of the games of Egyptian Ratfuck and the game of darts. I felt bad, because I don't really feel that I am competitive and Carfin is so I wanted to try to let her win, but that is hard for me because it is kind of like lying. Anyway, we played those games and it was fun, we talked a bunch and just hung around the house until it came to where it was time to sleep. I said I am going to bed. And Steve was going to bed, and we invited Carfin to come and talk with us. Steve and I had talked about this earlier, about her sleeping in our room, like whose bed would she sleep on (or in the case of one double queen bed, whose side she would sleep on). She ended up on my bed last night, and we were talking and Steve was over on his bed, so I invited him over and we all slept on my bed last night…it was great. A queen bed keeps three people amazingly well. It was a really good night of sleep. Carfin slept in the middle, no side disputes. Hah. So I think I am going to set up this room today for three people and we are going to share for as long as Carfin wants too, I think it is great, I think that Steve thinks it is great and I also think that Carfin is very happy with it. I mean, she gets to sleep next to Steve…what girl wouldn't want to sleep next to Steve? And today, I am going to do bike co-op and I am going to do Michael Parenti and I am probably going to head south to look for work. Oh yeah, one thing I am not so sure about is that I was thinking of jobs yesterday (because Portland has the highest unemployment in the country) and called a couple chimney places…I don't know. That's not what I want to do, but I could work for a few months save insanely and just live off of it until the spring. I have also been seriously considering not getting a conventional job and peddling hemp necklai on the streets of Portland. I have no doubt that I could sell every necklace I make, I just don't know how many I can make…they are a strain on my hands and making a livable amount of necklai/money might prove too much for my feeble old woman hands. Hah. Anyway things are amazing, like life. Create, Peace.Love.

Sept. 15 2002

Job searching is not a task that I am fond of. It seems that here in Portland I don't want to find a job, I feel like I did when I quit working for my Dad. That there was this whole other paradox that I could explore if I only had the time and working only mucked my ability and ate away at my time. Things were different then, though, because I had a multitude of options to fall back on when the bottom went out (in this capitalist society, if you don't do some form of work, then your bottom will probably fall out). Here, I have no other option I must find work. And I don't want too, because everything here is amazing and new. I want to experience first and once that experience is exhausted then I would like to find a sustainable job to sustain me. Hah. But it has to be backwards right now; it has to be where I cannot do it the way that I want too, because I do so many other things in life the way that I want too. And when my life interferes with or even brushes up against that life of the other, that life of the world, that capitalist life, that is where the problems come in, that is when I cannot do things the way I want too, because I am interacting with a system that I do not necessarily agree with. As I write, I think the words I am writing and in my head I use voices other than my own, and for this I am using Dr. Michael Parenti. Why? Because I was enlightened enough to see him last night, to hear him speak up close and personal. It was amazing, and although I cannot really remember the exact words he used or sum up what he was saying in particular, I can say that the event changed me…it moved something inside of me. It was truly amazing. So I was looking through the paper today, in the help wanted section and seeing that there really isn't anything that I want to do. At least anything that I want to do and am qualified to do. So I picked out two warehouse jobs. Yeah, one at FedEx and one for a local company that has no name in the ad. So tomorrow I will go to check those out and I will also check out the claim that I made at Natures Fresh, to see if anything is going to develop there. And in general everything is going really well, we all sleep in one room, with the two beds right next to each other and well, I guess that things are going well. I had little to no expectation when I arrived here (especially about the living situation) and so far everything is really good. I am really happy with the way things are going, and I will extremely enjoy it for some time to come (I think). Yeah….Portland. Peace.Love.

Sept. 16 2002

I don't know what it is. When I look in the mirror, I really don't see anything desirable. Honestly. Looking at it, I am short and pudgy, I have a distinct and out of place big red beard, my hairstyle makes me look half bald and I am sure there are other things about my appearance that make me just LOOK undesirable. Okay. Then plug in other things, like I am not much of a conversationalist, sometimes I get into a conversation and I just say stupid things and then try to make myself right, usually pissing people off in the process (but, I usually do make a good argument). The only good things that I think I have going for me are that I smile a hell of a lot and I don't talk too much. Based on those two things, I cannot see them making me a desirable person. It is really mind boggling to me, I mean, in Indiana the girls that I was with, that for some reason liked me, they were all totally amazing, and I would think to myself why were they even around me…I justified it to myself that I was just some sort of layover to better things, just a rest stop on the way to destination. And that satisfied me then. Honestly, there were like four girls that surrounded me in my waning weeks of Indiana and I liked it (I mean, someone like me would have to like it…things like this are very rare) and I went along with it for the most part. Then I was moving and I was like "Okay, yes the best (of that kind of situation) is over now, lets make way for Portland and the bounty of fruit that it will bring to me". It isn't over. And I think that it is straining things here. So I get into town and I meet Catherine, she is beautiful, okay and then she doesn't know me at all and she gives me a hug while I am all sweaty on my bicycle, that was really bold and amazing (I was apprehensive) and then we start talking and she is intelligent, okay wow, then we go out and she has this amazing style to her that is just like the best thing. And then that night she asks me to sleep with her and she says because she doesn't want to sleep alone, and I think that is noble enough she just got out of a long relationship and she is used to sleeping with someone, now she is lonely and wants a little void filled. So, that is all I did, I laid there in her bed, with her. Got up in the morning and did the day. Steve got into town and things were cool, I figured that she would take solace in Steve's presence because she actually knew him. That didn't happen. The first night Steve was here we all slept in our own beds. The next night we all slept in my bed. The next we all slept in the collective bed and she and I were kind of cuddling, kind of just touching each other. Last night… So Steve went to bed last night at 10 pm. Neither of us were tired, so we stayed up and talked, around 11 I was laying on the floor and professed that I wasn't tired but wanted to lay down and I didn't even think of the ramifications of what I had said until after I had said it (something I do often) so she proposes the idea that we go lay in her bed so we can talk without disturbing Steve. Yeah, and we did. At first I was laying and she was sitting in the chair then I went to the bathroom then she went then she laid in the bed. Then the lights went out and then we started to cuddle a little more and then we kind of fell asleep, but not really. We were both kind of awake the entire night and late in the night when our faces were right next to each other she kissed me. And I kissed her back. And then we made out for a while and it was really good. Like, I like to make out with girls and I think that this particular girl is amazing, but remember how I was talking about the Tiffany situation and how I didn't want that to happen, because if anything it would totally alienate Steve and he is the reason that I am here. After we made out for a while I know I went to bed. I know that when I got up she was sleeping and I went to the bathroom and came back to bed and we kissed good morning. Then we got up. And before she left for work, we kissed goodbye. And soon, I need to talk to her about kissing and that maybe we shouldn't do that. Like the situation I had with Beckia. For awhile I was with Becky and we just sort of flirted (and this was after we had had sex and stuff) like I wanted to kiss her and she wouldn't let me because she knew I was leaving and didn't want to get attached and I thought that was really cool, but then I also thought it was kind of dumb. But whatever. I think that in this situation where no one is leaving it would be something good to do. Why? Because right now, I don't need to be involved with a girl, I need to find a job, and I don't think that she needs to be involved with a boy (especially me I mean, look at my track record…). I think that we just need to be roommates. Much like I told Tiffany, but the harder thing here is that I was not sexually attracted to Tiff and to Catherine I am. SO it is harder, but I will have the talk with her. It is also good because Steve is really down and out right now and I don't entirely know why, but I have an idea and I think that if things progress with Catherine and I it will only make his life more miserable and we need him not to be. Oh, and Catherine is an amazing cook. Hah. I need to stop touting her, but there are just so many amazing things about her. Oh and about what I was saying the beginning about me, I feel the way I do about myself because that is how I was brought up, I was brought up to think that someone that looks like I do is inherently unattractive and will never meet a girl. It really didn't help me at all while I was growing up. I don't think it really helps me that much now either. And in the last few months it has been proved totally wrong. I really just don't know how to respond to all of this there is so much sensory goodness coming to me right now that I cannot properly process it. And I have been reading my old journals a lot and I really want to finish typing them all up, because as a whole they are truly amazing. And I want to get them all down so I can see where I stand. But, this computer is going crazy and I think it may need to be scrapped soon. I don't know, I like to have it and don't really want to scrap it, but if it is shot then it is shot. We will see, I don't know anything anymore and I don't know why I started writing about something so serious and am now talking about a machine. Weirdness of life and there is a lot floating around me right now. Peace.Love.

Sept. 18 2002

So, that last entry was just sort of a keep my head in check thing, because I know that I am somewhat desirable and that people (for some reason) like me. The thing is that I just don't understand why and I guess that is the whole point to life, wondering why and sometimes you learn. So things with Carfin and I were escalating (I know, how much can escalate in a day) and I decided that before things went any further we had better talk about it. She has gotten out of a four-year relationship in like January or something and since then she has had four other relationships. That seems like a lot to me. And when she started moving in on me, I wasn't sure if she was seeking a temporary cure to loneliness or if there was something else on the rise and to be sure I had to talk with her. And I don't like to have those talks, I have them though. So when she got home from work yesterday I was brushing my teeth, Steve was in the living room and she was in the kitchen, by the door. There is a wall separating the kitchen from the living room and while I was by her she motioned for me to come just out of Steve's view to kiss her while I was brushing my teeth. I had to know what was going on…I asked her to go to the pub with me. She showered and got ready and we went. And we didn't start talking about it right away, but as soon as we sat down at the table, I started in with the story of NY. How I went there and Tiffany wanted to be romantically involved with me and I didn't want that, and I told her how it happened (Tiffany, on the first night, says to me "do you want to sleep in my bed?" and I, wanting not to upset my host, say "okay" and then things went from there when she was trying to make out with me and I was just stone faced and tight mouthed) and then Catherine says to me "does this mean you want to stop" and I said, no no. Hah. Hahaha. I just wanted to see what was going on, I asked her if she was lonely and if that was her direct goal, to use me to alleviate her own loneliness? And she said no, had she said yes I would've not gone ahead with anything, because I don't think that throwing yourself at guys you barely know is any solution to loneliness. And yeah, we talked and talked and then some guy, John, came and sat with us, he and I discussed some things and then we left. I had thought that we made things clear between us that we would sort of ride the lightning and see what happens, because if it doesn't work out we mutually agreed that our personalities could still live with each other after being romantically involved. We walked home. Apparently she wasn't entirely sure of what we had agreed upon, because she is like "I am going to go to bed" and I am like, "well, I am going to sleep in your room" and she was like "okay" and then we were in bed and looking at each other and she says "so what did we agree on are we a yay or nay?" and I say "I thought that we were a go, I say yay" and then she said "yay" and it was all over from there. Hah. I don't know what it is; it is weird for me, honestly. Because there was such a long gap between Melissa and I and anything else in my life and at one point I thought that would be the end, that there would be nothing beyond her and at some points I couldn't even fathom being with anyone but her and yadda da. Recently, however it is a different story. So, continuing, we were making out and then she took off her shirt and then she took off her pants and then I took off my pants and (it didn't happen this quickly, but for a remembrance…whatever) I said "do I need to get a condom" (which is something I usually ask, because I mean, it is a good thing to ask for me at least because of past occurrences) and she said "you aren't going to get me pregnant" and I said, "well, I have the condoms, might as well use them" and she said okay, so I went and got the condom. See I don't know what it is, I have only once been unsheathed in the sexual circle and I think that the sheathing gives me a good buffer from climax and if I were to go at it unsheathed I would give a sub-par performance…with the sheathing I give a pretty decent performance (I think, at least) but, and I think I will be in this position again, next time I may opt out of it. I don't know. Anyway, I had sex last night with Catherine. And another thing we talked about at the bar, why it was kind of weird for me was that before I even came out here, before I knew Carfin, Steve said that I was going to hookup with her. He said it half-jokingly at the time I am sure, but it seems to have come to be. So, Portland life is going rather well, I think, although I have no job nor any job prospects and I have little to no money. Hah. I can survive another month probably. And it will be a good month if I make it and Steve said that he would cover any expenses to keep me out here, which is a nice thought. And I think that I will be fine out here. Anyway, Catherine is super cool, she has a great style she is amazingly attractive and I am really glad that I know her. Life is turning upwards and it never even swung downwards. Hah. Oh and I rode to the top of MT Tabor yesterday with Steve and I think I may start doing that on my own and reading up there, because it is a really nice spot (although a kinda tough ride for me) and yeah. Peace.Love.

Sept. 20 2002

Yeah, so I guess things are still going for me. I have been applying for jobs lately and not being hired. But that is a secondary thing, because I honestly don't think that work is a true necessity. Maybe I am wrong. I could see myself not working and still being happy. Even if I didn't work and didn't have money, here there is FNB 4 nights a week and they make some awesome food. Totally amazing. I applied at a Theatre, at Wal-Mart, and a few other places since I have been here, one being Natures Fresh and two others being Plaid Pantry and Trader Joes. I think that is all the applications I have submitted. Yeah, so my drive isn't very strong, because I want that to be part of the job I do get I don't want to have to be stressed out and freaking about anything, I just want to take things easy, chill out, and go with the flow. Like with the whole Carfin thing, I am going with the flow. She was talking to her dad today and told him that she is dating her roommate who is Steve's best friend. I am pretty sure that is me…hah. It is weird, to come out here and all of a sudden be living with your girlfriend that you met just the day you got here. I mean, I have known this girl for ten days or so and we are sleeping together every night, she is obviously happy with what is going on and I am a little bit more subdued, I think it might be because I am not totally sure about this relationship thing. Like, relationships really don't seem like the thing for me, but maybe I just don't know. I was thinking about it a lot and I came to the conclusion that I cannot deem this thing unhealthy because I don't like long-term relationships, because I haven't really been in a long term relationship…and no one even knows where this thing is going. I mean, there is a possibility (however slim) that in two months I am not even here anymore, because I am out of money. Anything can happen and I need to be more open to that and right now I think this might be a good thing to open into and be a part of. Life is a funny thing and because I am part of it some of the things I do or say will in turn be funny and I cannot say that I am funny, but I can say that life is funny and because of that I have some humour. Does that make sense? That means that Life is and because I am one with life, I am. And whatever happens I will still be as will life, see I think that I sometimes think that the world revolves around me (and I am sure I am not the only person that thinks this way about themselves) and it is quite a stupid thing to think. After a moment of thinking this I am promptly reminded that I revolve around the world, not the other way around. And because I revolve around it and I am a part of it, I am not in charge of the way (or the will) of the world. And realizing this is humbling. It really brings needed perspective to life, to realize that I don't have to make everything happen, to realize that everything will still happen regardless of my involvement, to realize that whatever I do affects everything that happens and there are all these things that work with and inside of each other that it is hard to document how it works, and nearly impossible for me. Whatever I am saying, it is this, life is a wonderful thing and I don't think we should spend so much time trying to control it, trying to wrap it up and figure it out, and instead, we should let it just be and try to make ourselves a part of this thing that we don't even understand and we should love it. And because I say these things, I must remind myself that I have no idea what I am saying, thank you, goodnight. Peace.Love.

Sept. 23 2002

So I have been sensing and hearing of this growing annoyance with me. I am not exactly sure, but it seems that Steve is rather distraught over our relationship; he says that he has problems and in the same sentence says that he doesn't want to talk about them. In my life, I haven't had many constant friends and I learned to live like that, to just sort of flow with things and if someone doesn't like me to just let them flutter by. Like, it isn't a bad thing; I think highly of myself, I think that for me, personally, I am the best that there is. And I also think that everyone should feel that way about themselves, I just don't let things affect me negatively. Sure, some things suck, but where they suck they also help me to understand things and put things into perspective, help me learn and grown, so the suckiness makes me just as happy and sometimes happier than the good things, honestly sometimes the good things scare me…especially when they are all the more prevalent than the negative. That is why this is really a good thing that is going on right now with Steve, I am not trying to rope him back in, yesterday he said that he didn't know if he could hang out with me anymore, and he seemed kind of serious, so I jumped on him and told him to be serious when he said something like that. Right now, there are many, too many positive things in my life, with Catherine, with Portland, with my disposition and perception and because life is a balance, because woman is the ultimate pinnacle, with the good comes bad. And it will definitely suck if Steve really doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, but I will understand on the basis of you take the good, you take the bad (and there you have the facts of life…horrible TV shows shaping the future of America, yeah I just called myself the future of America, because I am and you are…we all are and that is something that needs to be recognized. I am kind of disgusted with all these people trying to separate themselves from life, saying that they are not a part of this whatever is going on. It is totally false, because everyone is a part of it and directly affected by it, I thought that I was outside of it and am just recently coming into knowledge that it is a part of me and therefore I must change myself to root that out, this part of me was branded into my mind as I was growing up that is why I can quote advertising slogans and old TV themes.). Anyway, so things are really good in my life, I am very positive toward the future. I talked with Alex the other day (the only person I have actually talked too outside of here since I have been here) and I told him what was going on and he put things into perspective for me. It was a good thing, like with the Catherine situation, I am not a relationship person like that, and I never have been. I like to keep things wholly open and flexible and not tie myself down, and I explained this to him. And he related to me that you are never anything until you become it (he didn't use words like that at all) basically, if you are never anything because you never were before and ward away from it it is just a basic fear principle. Stay away from the unknown, and the way that Jad Fair puts it "it might be something evil made of skin and steel and bone, or it might be something gentle not unfriendly just unknown". And that is the way I am going into it now, even before anything happened, Steve said to me that I should do what I wanted too, but he didn't understand that I didn't know what I wanted to do, that I was sort of apprehensive about it because it was something totally new for me, and after saying to myself that I will not condemn it, it came too fast (in more ways than one…hahaha) and I was taken aback until it was again put into perspective by Alex. See, the people, the friends, that I continuously surround myself with all serve a function for me. That doesn't mean that I keep friends just to use them, because they obviously can use me too, it is a mutually beneficial relationship and that is why they are lasting. When they cease to be beneficial, when they cease to be pertinent that is when they cease to be. It is like a sexual relationship, everything is great everything is good and then all of a sudden things are no good and there are physical signs that other people can pick up on that point his out, like a person can talk about the lack of a sex where sex was once prevalent, leading the path of thought that the relationship is on the skids. Whatever, I am not a social psychologist and I am not ordained enough to even be speaking like one. I read a book a while ago, it was called "Conversations With God" and it changed my outlook on life. It stated that we are all our own God and that it was okay to be selfish and to a degree selfishness is necessary, it is a really good read and it is hard to generalize. Lately Max and Gary are the thing. Gary is a 62-year-old college art professor with UCSB; Max is his 28-year-old Russian lover. They have been together for eight years. They are in town visiting Catherine. Because Catherine and I are seeing each other I am also with them a lot, a couple days ago I went to the nicest restaurant I have ever been too, had a cocktail and a salad. Because nicest restaurant that people have been too are not inherently herbivore friendly. Anyway, these people are really very fun people to be around and that has some effect on everything that is happening in life right now. With Steve, I am spending more time with Catherine and Max and Gary than him, mainly because he doesn't want to participate in the events we engage in. With Catherine, I am spending more time with her, learning more, liking more, seeing more sides too and really getting the hang of more. With me, well, life is always good for me, which is an insane notion for some people to comprehend, and I already tried to explain it so I will not do that again. Yesterday we all, even Steve, went to Mt.Hood for the day, it wasn't very much fun, it is an ugly mountain and I fully thought I could climb it in six hours (I know and knew that I couldn't but as the little engine that I am "I thought I could I thought I could". And with that, there I go tying in old stories from youth (like TV) into my diary, further concreting the fact that we are all a part of this machine, the question is are we a wrench or a screw...). Anyway, that is something outside of what I am talking about, I still haven't a job yet, but I have three places to check out today, an Art Gallery, a Chimney Company and GreenPeace. I don't know if I will check them all out, but I will definitely try to get to the art gallery. In about two weeks the home situation will be dramatically changed, when Justin Gall comes to move into Catherine's room and she and I move back into mine and Steve's room. That will be fun, hah. It will definitely be a change, who knows if it will be for the good or for the worse, and we will see, I just want to keep up with everything that is happening right now, before I forget, because there are so many things going on. Like I was saying earlier everything out here is good to me and bad to me (that is just a play on my philosophy disregard it or understand it, whatever) and I want to write how it all affects me and how I am positively and negatively charged by all of this and how my balance is going in my quest for womanhood. Hah, that should be explained too. I think of the idea of woman, the definition of woman is the pinnacle the ultimate way to be. It is the balance of Male and Female. Man and Womyn. Right now I consider myself a girl-boy which (when the ladder system is established and drawn out) is low on the ladder system to womanhood. That is something else entirely that we needn't get into right now. So, without further ado (haha) I will wrap this up and say Peace.Love. (create)

Sept. 25 2002

Yeah, so things have been going lately I am not exactly sure in what direction, but they have been going. The other day when we went to Mt Hood I was stung three times by bees and I didn't like it. Once on the back of each ankle and once on the left side of my right knee, they itch and I don't like it. It was the first time I can remember being stung since I lived in Cedar Lake. And the only reason I got stung was because I accidentally stepped on a nest. Last night I decided to go through some pictures for a couple of reasons. One, I wanted to sort through them and prepare some photos to be sent to various individuals in an attempt to give them an idea of what has happened and to lighten my load of pictures. Two, I wanted Catherine to see some pictures. She hasn't really asked much about me and I think that has to do with Steve telling her all kinds of stories (so she says) when they lived in Santa Barbara, so my impression is that she has some whacked out expectation of me from these stories that she had been told and now feels that she knows me enough to not even ask. I haven't asked much about her past, because I am not sure how to go about it. I am sure that the best approach is probably going to be the lay it all out on the table 1-2-3 approach that I am used too, but I think I may go for something subtler this time. I don't know how she took the pictures that we looked at, she didn't ask about any of them and that kind of unease's me. See, my subtle approach is basically giving her the opportunity, like I start looking through pictures and she starts seeing them and then she says "Oh, who is this person" and then I can go into who that person is, why I have a picture of them and basically take it anywhere I want too. She didn't ask about anything. It also opens up the viewpoint that maybe she just doesn't care, which wouldn't surprise me, because I have that view a lot and because I have it I cannot let myself be surprised by it. Anyway, that will all unfold itself as we progress with time, another thing we came across was my micro cassette recorder, it hailed from Oly times. See, I bought this micro cassette recorder for when I was going to work because I had these thoughts that I thought were amazing and then later on in the day I would think back to what they were and would not be able to remember, it was kind of like dreaming. I thought that if I bought the recorder it would be a way of remembering my dreams. It is kind of like setting up a studio in a rainforest to watch the natural ways of life. As soon as you disturb the area, it becomes unnatural and anything recorded is false. So I think that whatever was recorded was inherently false because I was disturbing the peace of mind I had on those walks, I forced myself to talk out loud and sort of gave myself a regiment to follow. Whatever, some of the tapes turned out okay and some didn't. So, this thing is there and I told Steve and Catherine what it was about and they are like, "let's hear it". And I am like "no". Because I don't know what I say on these things, there could be some pretty stupid things, or things that I would have to explain that I really didn't want too. Anyway, they convinced me too play it (and I kind of wanted too, but was kind of scared about what I had said, especially with Catherine in the room because she knows what Steve says of me and I haven't told her much of me this would be a pretty direct and forward way of her hearing about who I am). To my dismay (or something) the side we were on was not me walking up the hill, rather it was me when I first got back from Santa Barbara in my parents guest bedroom. I was jamming out to and old tape, drinking beer and talking to myself (I was probably naked too, because that is what I did at that time). I think this was before I called anyone and let them know that I was in town, but it may be the first day that I called someone, because at one point in the tape I say "I wish BeeJay would call me" and he was the first non family person that I contacted, so I might have called him that day and he had been at work and I left the message and then started drinking and talking to myself. I have written and said it before that I believed I was out of my mind when I left CA and this kind of exemplifies it. But whatever, it was kind of funny, kind of scary. I was talking in a thick NY accent (probably because I was talking about NY) and I recounted the story of leaving NY and going around the country then going to Oly and then leaving Oly for CA and Ca to Indiana, but at the end it sort of trails off and nothing is really accomplished. So, yeah, we listened to that for about an hour. That was a trip. Because, that was 2.5 to 1.8 years ago (1.8 the recountment of trip, 2.5 the walking up the hill on the other side). And the other side was funny too, I had a poem in there that Steve thought was especially funny; it was called "Carlight, Carbright". Yeah, I was weird even then; luckily I am coming more into normalcy here in Portland. Because I am just like everyone else and that is a cool thing, because I think that I am a pretty good person and to think that I am surrounded by a bunch of other good people is a great thing. At any rate, I still have no job, but am going to go to the Rose Garden to apply today and probably make some vegan lasagna tonight. The last time I had vegan lasagna was at LeVoyeur, Olympia. So things are going well, Peace.Love.

Sept. 28 2002

So, yesterday was amazing. When I sat down to write this, I wanted to write it backwards from the last thing that happened to the first thing that happened, but I leave out enough things writing regular that writing backwards would be worthless (or worth something, but less than what writing forward would give because there would be less to read). So yesterday started with me getting up before Catherine and Steve and I started to make Vegan French Toast. Why? Because I wanted too, and because I told Carfin and Steve I would, and because I really wanted to have Vegan French Toast. It was really good. After breakfast Catherine went to work and Steve and I kind of sat around because we had a big day ahead of us. After sitting around we got kind of restless and we decided to clean/rearrange the house. It started because the night before there was the usual wackiness, Steve trying to explore the attic area and destroying a desk in the process (and making a huge mess in the soon-to-be collective room). So I said, "Hey, help me take out the recycling" and he said okay, we did that and then he proposed that we revamp the recycling area to make it more user friendly. I went into the bedroom and started to clean the mess left from the previous nights hyjinks. Steve proceeded to move the recycling area from next to the garbage can in the kitchen to inside the kitchen closet, and it works much better with the labeling system and other amenities. After we got done with those respective tasks, we started to rearrange the living room and clean that. It looks much nicer in here. Then we played some darts and I think I won, and then we started to get the go, or at least get ready to get the go. We were almost ready to leave and I decided to check the mail because I have been waiting for a magazine subscription for quite some time. Instead of a magazine, I got a letter from Rob and a letter from Alexandria. I opened Robs first, his letters are always visually stimulating, concise and true, and funny. He did an amazing drawing on the outskirts of the page and wrote inside of it and there was a little postscript imploring me to not get that design tattooed on my back. Then I opened Alexandria's, she and I haven't really spoken (or written) since I lived in Olympia, about two years. It showed, we are out of touch with each other, but will get back on track; I am going to write both of them back today (with pictures). And after that we got the go…it was around 3:30 pm. So that means we probably got under the Burnside bridge around four pm and there were a couple of FNB people there, three news vans and us. I think we were the first Critical Massers under the bridge. We played hacky-sack and a couple people walked up and hacked with us over the course of the next hour. And also during that course a couple hundred riders/FNB'ers showed up and five more news vehicles. People were being interviewed, Steve was talking to someone, and I was sitting on the grass. There was police presence in the crowd and they were handing out flyers. We strategically placed ourselves so we would not receive this flyer, because by not receiving it we could plead plausible deniability (meaning that we didn't know we couldn't cork traffic). So we hung out there with the crowd until probably six and then we a large bang the Critical Mass was under way…but only for a moment. Because the first light that was hit was a red light and supposedly the flyers handed out by the police said that anyone blowing red lights, corking traffic, or riding on the wrong side would be cited/arrested. That is not how the mass is supposed to go, see, I had never been in one before, but seriously, what does it accomplish when you have groups of thirty bicycles with cars in front, next to, and behind them. That accomplishes an inherently dangerous situation and although it was my first Mass and I didn't really know what was going on, I took some charge. I took the sidewalk to get in front of the Mass and got to the next stoplight, parked my bike on the crosswalk and corked traffic. I waved on the massers and yelled things like "take the light" "mass up" "they cant catch you" "the light is almost green" and other absurd things to rile up the crowd and get things moving like they should be, in this machine I was a screw, holding it together, not a wrench taking it apart. I did this ride the sidewalk cork the traffic maneuver for quite awhile, one time there were two motorcycle cops right behind me when I was doing it and I was telling the crowd "they cant catch take the light" and "look at me I am right in front of them and they aren't doing anything, mass it up" it was funny and it kind of gave me a big head. At the next light I saw about five bike cops coming up so I cut across traffic to the other lane and darted in front of everyone and then got back in the mass kind of hiding out, but I had some fire working for me so I started corking again, and I did a stupid. I got right in front of a bike cop and started telling people to take the light and well, I got caught on the sidewalk and would not have been able to outrun them, so I stopped and four bike cops surrounded me. Because I had been darting up ahead of the massers, many of them saw me multiple times and knew what I was doing, and thus knew why I was surrounded by cops. So the mass kind of stopped and the massers started chanting, "let him go let him go" it was an amazing sight, I felt like I was doing what I was always supposed to do. The cops asked for my name and I made a smart, I gave it to them, and right when I was giving them my ID Steve came up on the sidewalk and started yelling let him go with the rest of them, it was exhilarating. Then more bike cops showed up and moved along the Mass. I co-operated with the cops, they asked if I was sorry fro what I was doing and I said "am I sorry for riding in the mass? No. Am I sorry for protecting cyclists from cars? No." and then they asked me more questions like why was I doing it and blah blah blah. It was great and then I got a citation (I think because I wasn't sorry), $77 for corking traffic. Yeah, well, what I am gonna do about it? I am going to call the hotline for legal help that I was given in case I was arrested and see if I can contest the ticket. After that I asked the cop if I could be ticketed for the same thing twice in one day and he said yes, so I decided not to cork anymore. But, I did ride up and catch the mass and talk to the people that were on my side, cheering for me, it was really good. By this time the mass had been split up into like three large groups and many stragglers, a dangerous situation, so I left the stragglers I was with and tried to catch up to a large group. I caught a few people and while I was stopped at a red light this girl that I had seen at FNB religiously came and talked to me. She had a bandana covering her face, as if to suppose she was a Blac Bloc Anarchist following the writing of John Zerzan, but whatever, she took her bandana off and talked to me. She is amazingly beautiful and well, she has some good political ideas (supporting FNB (probably vegan or at least vegetarian) and Critical Mass, my god). We talked about my ticket and organizing the Critical Mass to where there are no more tickets, but who knows. I am going to talk to her again at the next FNB. Steve pulled up to talk to me and then she left and then we rode down Burnside and hit another small throng of massers and the Crystal Ballroom. The Crystal Ballroom was our destination, for we were to see Sleater-Kinney last night. Yeah, I know, what a day, huh? So we cheered on the Massers that came by while we were sitting there, eventually they all were gone and we walked around the building to lock our bikes and I got the tickets from the will call window. Three tickets, one for Steve, one for Carfin, and one for me. Carfin got off of work around eight and was supposed to came right up to the place so we could all go in, she wasn't there by the time our place in line hit the door. So Steve went in and I sat outside, and waited. She said that she would have a cab outside of her work at 805 and it isn't that far, she should've been there by 830 when we were to get in. But she wasn't, so I sat outside. 900 came and she wasn't there, the first band started and I was outside waiting. I was going to go in and just forget about her, but then she pulls up in a cab, and she was sitting in the cab chatting with the driver and blah blah. She got out and started talking to me and I started walking to the door. I don't like to be late for things, I am a very punctual person being wherever I need to be usually before I need too, sometimes before anyone else (like FNB and Critical Mass) so I was perturbed and I further realized the discrepancies of who she is and who I am and how our personalities and desires just don't mesh enough for us to have a serious relationship. I don't consider it very serious and I don't know how she feels about it, but I am going to talk to her about it soon. So then we were inside and I don't really like talking at shows because I cant hear anything and plus today my voice was nearly gone from yelling at the mass that I didn't much feel like yelling. She was demanding all of my attention and I was giving her about 7% of it, directing the rest at the stage and Steve whenever he talked to me. He didn't talk to me much though, he met a girl. So when the first band ended Catherine said she was going to get a drink and have a smoke (the Crystal Ballroom GA floor is non smoking which is way cool) so I said, "okay, we will be here". She came back and said she wasn't feeling well at work and I said, well if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be. Then the second band started, Shannon Wright. My God, she is amazing. It was pure emotion and as my eyes were fixed on the stage taking in this delectability of musical intonation Carfins eyes were fixed on me and her hands were moving in and out, punching at my stomach, like a child trying to get her fathers attention. I wanted none of it and paid no attention to it, I watched and let the womyns music race through my body and affect me. After a couple of her guitar songs, she got on the piano and it was amazing too, Catherine took this time to tell me she wasn't feeling well at all and I said well, it might be better then if you left, because you don't seem to like it here, and she didn't want to just leave, I think she wanted me to leave with her, but I walked her to the stairs kissed her goodbye and say la vee I was back with Steve and his "friend". It stayed this way until the end of Shannon Wright. Then I found a water bottle went to the bathroom to fill it up and Steve and Claire were gone, so I found some other people, this girl named Judy and She and her friends and I worked our way to the front for Sleater-Kinney, and I mostly just stared at Carrie Brownstein because she is amazing. She has that most wonderful facial expressions when she sings she is really into it and so am I. Now, I was really tired after the Mass, and then standing for a few hours of the show, so in the middle of the third encore song I left the front and went to the hallway to sit on a stool. It was a stool designated for security and I was wearing all black, so I looked like security and I sat there until I saw Steve and Claire and they saw me and we left. I went to sit by the bikes, Steve stayed with Claire a little while longer. The ride home was going to be a task; it was probably around one in the morning when we left. So we had had a full day of riding and standing and then we had to ride a little bit more. We rode down Burnside to Broadway and Broadway to Madison to take the Hawthorne Bridge and on the bridge Steve and I bolted out lyrics of John Darnielle fame and that was really cool. One thing I forgot to mention is that John Vanderslice is coming here to town at the end of next month and I enrolled myself to post posters around town for him, they are in the mail. So we got home around 130 I think and we ate some lasagna, talked a little bit. Recalled in awe the tribulations of our day and then turned it in. As I sit here and type it I am again reminded of what happened, really happened and it was amazing. One of the best days of my life, although I think that I may have some kind of serious back problem, that isn't important. What is important, is that I am here. Well, obviously I am here. Peace.Love.

Oct. 2 2002

So I had said to myself that I would talk with Carfin before Justin Gall gets into town, he gets here in a couple of days and I talked with her tonite. It wasn't as rough of a talk as I had anticipated, we were walking from Limbo to Safeway and she asked me what I was thinking about, this deserved a smile, so I said "you know how I have been distant lately, well it all ties together" and she said "so you want to slow things down" and she understood, we talked all the way to Safeway (which isn't that far) and it sort of ended on the note that I think she needs to try to be alone for awhile, because she has been bouncing from relationship to relationship since her breakup with Travis, and I don't really know anything about anything. Honestly, I mean, especially about her, all I do know is that the two of us were not molding into a unit as should be expected by a couple living together, so I ended it tonite. I feel good about it. I don't know how she feels. Well, not exactly anyway. Regardless, things are well, I think that Steve got a job today, because he went for an interview at around 11 am and it is almost 9 pm and he still isn't home and hasn't been home all day…I know this because I have been here the entire day aside from the short sojourn to stores. That lasted about a half hour. And why would he come back at 8 o’clock and then leave again before 8:30? There is no justification, he hasn't been here, so good job to him. Today, I typed the rest of August 2000 into this journal, and some of Sept. 2000. I feel very good about that, I cleaned out a bunch of files on my computer, 500MB worth. Whatever that means. Basically I spent most of the day behind the computer, so I wouldn't have to face Catherine because I had no reason not too, Steve being gone all day and all. So I was hiding all day today. We have most of the rooms moved. Carfin had been finishing that off today, and painting. Pictures, not walls. Hah. Anyway, last night some of Steve and Carfins friends from SB came over and I felt kind of out of place. It was really awkward because I was the oddball the one that knew nothing. I acted like someone totally different at first, then we played Yahtzee and I was totally myself then I had to leave to shower. I really had to shower. No one understands this but me. And that is okay. Further on the talk with Carfin, I related to her that I thought she could just sort of be using these relationships since Travis, and including ours, as levers. Levers to keep her from crashing and really understanding the depth of her life from the time she met Travis until now, and I said that to her in fewer words and prettier. She insisted otherwise, but smokers constantly insist that they aren't addicted, they just like to smoke. When I smoked I was addicted, and once I quit I went back because I liked to smoke and then I got addicted again and quit. It is kind of like "which came first the chicken or the egg?". And she started to quit smoking yesterday and has had at least one cigarette today, so far. She came to me and said that she was thinking of having one and I said well, then you don't really want to quit. She is quitting because the prices just rose again, not a very noble reason. So first thing is that she doesn't even really want to quit, she is trying to force herself, so she is getting these headaches and stuff "withdrawal syndrome" and she asked me if it was okay for her to have one to ease the pain, I told her that whatever pain it eases, she will have to endure again, and do whatever you want too, because I don't really know anything. She had a cigarette then went to puke and then showered and then she told me that I was right, and then we left for the store. Then I guess I broke up with her, which is a weird thing to fathom, because we still live together and it isn't like we were really ever dating. Whatever. So, in typing the older journal entries, I also go through many other things that are old, and seeing old things makes me realize the scope of how old I am compared to how old I feel and everything that happened in between. My Dad is renting or bought a storefront and is planning on opening it by the end of this month. Crazy. Had I stayed I would have to be there, I would be further sucked in. They talked about getting a store a lot while I was there and I was all for it, but I was not a part of it, and am not a part of it. He said that he may need some web work done and maybe I will do that for him. That would be cool, have a web based job, except that the phone was half shut off today and we cannot make outgoing calls so we cant go on the internet and I cant work on the website. Other than that I am not finding work and Diane called today. It was funny, she is the second person I have talked to since I have been here. I feel kind of odd right now and don't know what to do. It is really not good to see Steve not home yet, it kind of makes me think like something’s happened. I mention that because I was thinking of making something for dinner as all I really ate today was breakfast but then I thought I should wait for Steve, but now I think that it is nine and where the hell is he. Yeah, odd train of thought, try living with it. Peace.Love.

Oct. 4 2002

So today was semi-productive. Unlike yesterday, I left the house, hah. Yeah, Carfin called off half of the work day so she was here until three, Steve leaves around noon now with his new job, and I still have to fuck off to do something. By that I mean, I don't really have anything to do, but there are plenty of things to do. So I capitalized on some of those things today. I left the house around 430 after desperately searching for my keys and eventually finding them in, duh, my jacket. So I went to FNB because I hadn't been there in awhile, because I had nothing better to do, because if I don't find a job soon I'll have to go there, because I wanted to see if the girl in black from Critical Mass would be there (of course she was and I didn't talk to her, she had sprained her arm or something, she wasn't riding, and she had a sling on her arm), and because it was on the way to my final destination. I originally planned to leave the house to hear Irvine Welsh (writer of "Trainspotting") read from his new book, which is a sequel to "Trainspotting", at Powell's Downtown. That was at 730 and FNB being at 530 I correlated the two and did both, kind of. Right after eating FNB I left, party because I knew I wouldn't talk to that girl and didn't want to torture myself by being there, and partly because I didn't know what time it was and I wanted to apply at Powell's before the reading. So I got to Powell's and asked at the info center for an application and he told me to go to the fourth floor and then I asked for a map and he gave me one and then I asked where Irvine Welsh reading and he said that I had the wrong day, it is next Thursday…the tenth. So, oh well, had I read it right this morning in the paper I wouldn't have left the house. I went to the fourth floor and filled out an application, and I am hopeful. Then I explored the largest bookstore (I think anyway) for awhile. It is one city block. That is big. I went to the art section and skimmed a book about Jean-Michel and then I saw another one that went into detail about a movie he had made in 1981, when he was nineteen. It was called "New York Beat" and it looked really cool. It also featured two songs by his band "Gray", a band that I cannot find any material by so my new task is to seek out this movie (if it actually exists as a movie…). Actually, that is not my new task, that is a task to be chalked up on the task list, my current task is still to find a job. Tomorrow I cannot go out as I have a protest to go to. It is the largest anti-war protest in Portland (supposedly). I am sure I will have more to say about it tomorrow. Also, tomorrow, Justin Gall gets into town. He should be rolling in when Catherine is clocking in her 6th hour at work and Steve and I are protesting. That is funny, I think, that he will get here when no one is here. I talked to him on the phone yesterday, and told him that someone would probably be here and if not that the door would be open. Well, the door will be open. And it is funny, because it is a prediction of how life for him here will be in relation to the rest of the household. I don't think that he will really be into what everyone is doing enough to where he will be a part of it, and I am pretty sure that we wont be into what he is doing enough to where we wont be a part of it and he will kind of be a loner most of the time. Maybe I am totally wrong, who am I to predict things, anyway? Peace.Love.

Oct. 5 2002

I just woke up and wanted to transcribe some of last night. So Justin Gall gets here tomorrow, so we moved the rest of Catherine into the large room with Steve and I, so Catherine and I are sleeping in the same bed again. Steve fell asleep on the couch about a hour after he got home and I was sitting in the chair and Catherine was sitting in the other chair. I was playing Nick Drake: Hazy Jane II, at the end of the song, I said I was going to bed and she said she was going in a few minutes, so I went and got in our communal bed and I wanted to be up when she got in their so we could talk, but she took a little longer than a few minutes and I was asleep when she got into bed. But I woke up and it was weird, because it was kind of like the first night here, rigidity. But then I fell asleep again and I thought that there was no reason for that rigidity. Like when I sleep with Tiffany, there is none of that, I drape my arm over her, I roll around, and it doesn't matter, so I thought of that in my sleep, sort of to tell myself that it was okay. So I moved around a little bit, it was still a little weird, the cats were sleeping with us and they kind of filled the middle for most of the night. And today shall be the arrival of Justin Gall, sometime while we are all gone. Steve is leaving in a little bit to go somewhere with some people at work and then he is going to the protest with them. I am not sure right now when the protest is, but it looks like I'll be going by myself, and that's fine. So we went to the protest and it was really cool. Justin got in before we left, so that beat all expectations. We went to the protest/march around noon and there was a band playing there, a bunch of people and we were on our bikes. We pulled up and shed our clothing as we were warm from the ride and it was relatively nice out. Right across the street from where we pulled up was the female cop that ticketed me for CM and that was cool, I was going to go talk to her, but I didn't. Then we stood there for awhile until I made the suggestion of locking our bikes. I convinced Steve to do it, he is very protective of his bike and doesn't like to lock it usually, me, I dot really care and I understand the disparity of bicycles, but, even if I had a machine like his I would still trust people enough to lock it wherever. So we locked our bikes about two blocks away and then walked back and around the park, circles, for until it started practically, many good sign and people, very inspiring. Then the march started and it was moving very fast, we passed the bikes and I made the suggestion of doubling back to get them so we didn't have to come back after the rally. Along the march we ran into some people we knew, a lady, Ellen, from the bike meeting and two other people from the bike meeting. And we walked, it was really cool. At the end of the march rally there was a couple bands, one was just a guy with his guitar, folk music called "My Uncle is a Terrorist", that was the song at least and it was about his Uncle Sam being the terrorist. It was very moving, I felt as if it were 1968 and I was in Newport. But it was very different from those times. So we stood there for a few speakers and then turned to go out to the drum circle. We went to the drum circle, Steve, again, wouldn't lock his bike but I locked mine and was free of it so I walked among them and nodded to the drums, hesitant towards dancing and I don't know why. We walked around the drum circle for awhile then I went in and Steve had to stay out because of the bike nuisance, but he found his friends and when I turned to come out he was talking to them so I diverted my direction and walked around on my own. I was standing by the newspaper racks and a guy named Brian came up to me and asked if I was the guy corking at CM and I said yeah and we talked about my court date and stuff, it was cool to get that recognition, then Steve found me and the guy left. We were standing for a little bit right in front of City Hall and this kid climbed the Gazebo and was doing a sit on City Hall, symbolic, but the kid didn't really know what he was doing and I guess it could've been better. But, I didn't do it, so way to go kid. After about a half hour up there a crowd amassed and got the kid down and walked him out of there away from police, Steve was, again, talking to his work friends so I unlocked my bike and sat there, waiting for him to finish, then we came back across the Hawthorne Bridge and went up to Belmont and ate at the Paradox. Their breakfast number 5 is so good. It was raining in the way there, and I got wet. We sat there for the meal and a little longer. Oh yeah, also on the way across the bridge, before we got to the bridge there were three police cars and I but a bumper sticker on the hood of one of them the sticker said "Attack Iraq? NO!" and that was risky and cool. After sitting for a little while longer, we left for the home and Justin was still here, I guess he lives here now, so I should start to get used to it. Hah.

Oct. 7 2002

So I hit a new low today, I did something that is very out of character and that I didn't think that I would do. I sought aid. Last night, Catherine and I walked up to Division to see a friend of hers, because she had left some batteries there the other night…those batteries were destined for my bicycle headlight. So that is partially why I went with her, the other part is that is where she went to seek refuge on the night that I had the end all talk with her and I don't exactly know what happened that night, but I have thoughts about what happened and I wanted to kind of find out a little bit more, kinda make sure that she wasn't getting into something stupid. Whatever, I went with her and got the batteries. One of the guys there was talking about being on unemployment which led to the talk of my not having a job and then he said that food stamps were really easy to get, so I said, why not. And today, I went in to get the paperwork for them, but I don't think that I will qualify (with the living situation and the amount of money earned for the household). Also, yesterday, I was going through the classified and found two different chimney companies that were hiring, in desperation I went to the payphone to call them. Why the payphone? Because we haven't had a phone for the past few days. So I went there and the first was a bust, it was a recording that said to go somewhere in Milwakie! Hah, yeah right. So then I called the next number and it was alright, I got a machine and left a message. Portland Chimney called me this morning and asked if I could come in between 10 and 12, of course I could, why wouldn't I be able too? So I went in for an interview and I now have a job. Not the job that I wanted, but I can start making money again, at 8 in the morning. Ouch. It is kind of far, out on 122nd and Stark, I am on 36th and Francis, get the map and see it is between 5 and 8 miles. And being that I need to be there at 8 I am going to leave at 7. Another ouch, when was the last time I got up at 7? The last day I worked for my Dad. Anyway, the lady I talked too didn't really know anything about my certifications and stuff, so I was continuously explaining what I was about and what the CSIA was about. It was kind of odd, especially if I am the only certified person there. Anyway, I don't plan on working it very long, just long enough to save up some money. A grand or two, a couple of months and then sit on it here for awhile, find a low paying fun job.

Oct. 10 2002

I got up like usual this morning and went to work, took the dollar fifty five out of the change container and walked to the bus, I am not a bus rider. It turns out, however, that I had only taken a dollar forty six, one of the dimes was a penny and it registered as a penny when I deposited the cash, but the bus driver was good to me and allowed me to ride anyway. Yay. Got to work and was there, I didn't have anything to do and they didn't have anything for me to do, so I went home and I am home now. Crazy. I was hungry and no one was up, I had no money to buy anything, so instead I made the leftover pancakes from a week or two ago and that was the first time I had actually made pancakes. They turned out okay. Just okay. Work is supposed to call me and talk to me about my working-ness. How I am working out, and I may go back in there to talk to them or just do it over the phone, I don't know.

Oct. 13 2002

So it is Oct in Portland, and most other places too, right now. I have this job and I cannot do it. Ethically I cannot do it. It goes against my ethics to do this job as they prescribe and I borrowed money from my father to pay my bills because I don't have a job and I have this job and I told him that I don't know if I can do it and he agrees with me. So tomorrow morning I am going in there to tell my boss the news and to see if he wants to hire me on as a consultant to train him and his staff, I will do that, if he wants me to estimate jobs for him, I will, but I cannot do the service work because their standards are just not up to code. Anyway things are looking, not up or down right now, just looking and I am rethinking so many things and thinking many new things and just getting lost in the jumble of where my life is and who I am now and who I am becoming and it is all kind of strange. Definitely foreign. It is not a bad foreign, it is not a good foreign either; because, today, Zen told me that there is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so. And it is true, it is something that Frank used to tell me a lot in Olympia. I don't know really what anything is, I just hate watching life beat people. It is like, life is this game that you play and the whole thing is to become yourself, to find you and then you win. But, I see people sitting on life and just letting it destroy them, and some of those people are people that at one time were winning. Like when I was in SB I felt like I was losing, when in actuality I think I was winning (now). And I see people that I thought were doing good, that I thought I knew to do good and all of a sudden it starts to look like everything is backward, everything is wrong. And it is kind of like a slap in the face a wake up call to show me that I kind of put too much trust in people. It sucks. Because I am let down, a lot. It is sad. And I really don't want to give up on things, but I do, I have too. I cannot continue to let things build up, I really just cant let things build up at all. I just sort of let things that are false to begin with slide away. And that is a point I am at now, with Catherine. I think that I want to have a deep conversation with her about all the things I thought about her and the way she was portrayed to me, and then how she is turning out to be. But I am told that I shouldn't, and now I don't think that I should. If she wants to have a care about what is going on with me and with how I am feeling about the way things are, so I am just staying out of it. I think that her life is on a downward spiral and that is simply my opinion and I need to keep that shit to myself right now. If she wants to make a start it taking her life in a right direction, and wants help, I will be here to help. It would be an odd sort of help, because I don't really have an orthodox style, but whatever. So I am kind of giving up on that. Now, in my life, I don't know exactly where I want to take it, but I don't think that it is going to have a defined female lead and that is sad and kind of motivating. I also think that for the time being things will be a little stressed as I further completely convince myself that I should just stay out of other peoples lives, especially when I am not wanted. And I am still going to be on the lookout for a girl, because I really like girls, there are some prospects that I like to look at and talk to when I can muster the courage and reason. They work places and maybe we will have a party one night and I will invite one of them and we can see where things go…that is just something to think about. Night time for me.

Oct. 15 2002

Yeah, things, in my life, at least, are good. And I want to start using as many commas, as possible. I am kidding. Of course, I am kidding. I don't know, I just feel very positive about life right now, Last night I went downtown to Powell's to get an application for the new Airport store and Justin and I walked across the highway to Glisan street and applied at the McMenamins place. I don't know how that will go, but, as with most things, I am hopeful. I got off of work early today and I am going to go to the Airport to fill out an application for Powell's, because it was sort of a wasted trip for that last night, although I did spend some money. And I bought a wig, that I am going to start wearing out, especially to interviews, it is very cool. The only thing that is on my mind right now that I cannot breakdown and process completely is the Catherine situation, but I am doing well to just desensitize myself to who she is. Like Steve learned to do. That is why he isn't worried about anything that she does, because he has seen worse and is now not really caring. It is kind of like the life that cries wolf. Eventually no one is going to give a shit about her, because as far as I can tell she doesn't give a shit about herself. Sad. It eats me away a little bit, because in dealing with people I am investing emotion, that is energy put into motion, now I have to not only take away that emotion, but I have to stop energy and turn it around. When I was at the old house, I had emotion too, a different kind of emotion, but still energy put into motion and because it was the ending of an era I didn't have to recollect that energy, I just let it go, I left and that emotion left too, well not left, but the energy of it went with me where I went and the motions stayed. It is an odd process of taking energy that is in motion and moving it, kind of like stealing it, but not really. It is easy to just let it ride out on its own, but taking it back is nearly impossible. What I have done is bought stock in a company that seemed to be on the up and up and right after I decided that I didn't want to be a principal shareholder I saw the value of that stock drop and I cant get rid of it. So I have to live with this devalued stock. These analogy come off kind of harsh and as I write them I laugh and then say, gee isn't there a different way I can put that, and that is why there are so many. The easiest way to put it is that I was an idiot, and I tapped something I shouldn't have. Now there is an eruption of emotion as I slowly learn to curb my feelings. It is a rough process, but something that comes with life and it is really cool to learn how to do new things. Today, at work, I learned how to drive a stick shift vehicle. Weird, that I am learning so late in the game, but it was really easy for me. And tomorrow I go out on my own and begin to be a tool to a chimney sweeping company. Love life, love it well. And in the midst of all this commotion swirling in my head I am really really happy. Life, has been better, but never more promising. I am on track to be the greatest me I can be and I am going to meet a girl tomorrow. Hah, hopefully. I crack myself up. And John Vanderslice is coming up soon and I am really into some Mountain Goats songs. Things are just too good to be true, almost. And if I get a better job, and learn to deal with energy in motion, hell, I am going to be right on. Peace.Love.

Oct. 17 2002

I cannot desensitize myself, what I need to do is smooth things out. It is easier to just have the talk than to let myself glaze over. That is how you become hard, I don't want to be a hardass, I want to be soft like the fresh figs that I picked today from the tree by Limbo, or better yet, like the fresh figs I had today at the Japanese Consulate, while I was cleaning their chimney. Yeah, I have the chimney truck now and I drive stick well enough. I am working alright, making about 70$ a day and that is plenty. So that is work, it is pretty easy. Catherine has this book called "Everyone Poops", it is on the living room table, right next to all sorts of reading material. This is kind of like her diary, as close to diary as I think she has and I read it today. I think that she wanted me to read it, but I don't know. I leave mine out and don't care who reads it, ,y thought is a very open thing and I like it that way, but it is tough and getting tougher. Especially the things I read her to write. About me, much of it was. And because of that I need to have a talk with her, the talk that I had wanted to have, but was dissuaded from. Maybe these people are wiser than I am, but I think that it is the right way to go and positivity is emanating from it. Hopefully this weekend, probably at the bar, where I have most of my important talks with her, hah. I don't know the outcome, we will see. And it will probably be this weekend, if not tomorrow. So, rock on with my bad self, trying to make things better. Peace.Love.