Exotic (Diaries from Oct. 2002-Nov. 2002)

Oct. 18 2002

So, it is early in the morning, about quarter til eight and if I don't leave soon I am going to be late. For work, that is. And I don't really care about work too much, it is like it has always been, work is there for me to make money and to eat up precious hours where I could be doing something a little more creative, like writing. But, as the way the world turns now, I have to be at work, in fifteen minutes. I will be late, and that is okay. I was typing up old stuff for the compilation last night and I am really happy to see progression, it is appositive thing, this endeavour, life. Work was intensely horrible today. Seriously. It was going great at first, I had two jobs left at noon. Then I had left my flashlight at an earlier job, then I had to go across town to get keys, then I left my rods at another job, then I got a call from the office saying that my second job had called and there was a layer of soot in their living room, then I had to explain what happened, to people that do not understand how to sweep a chimney. Or maybe I am that person that doesn't understand, because I sure don't want to do it, the only reason I am doing it is because I need to live. And these are the skills that I have to live off of. Horrible. So it was a long ordeal that eventually got me home around 6 pm. At least I got paid today…127.54 woo-hoo. That is what I am talking about, that is why I am there, anyway. Hah. Next week I should get about 250$. That will be a trip. So after I have some money, and I am talking just a square of money, like four hundred dollars and rent for the next time it is due, I am quitting this job. Hopefully I will have quit before then, on account of me having found this amazing other job. But right now it doesn't look that promising. Then I came home and hung out with Justin for a bit, complained to him a bit, he talked to me a bit. Justin and I have a good relationship, that is working out really well, I talk to him like we have been friends for a long time and in a sense, we have. Because there have never been bad feelings between us. Whatever, that part of life is great. I am probably not going to be having any heavy conversations tonight with any of my roommates, as Steve will get home late, and Justin is at a concert. And well, other things will just be put on hold again, and again until finally I can action and do something about my life. I got my John Vanderslice CD today and I emailed a girl, Briana, that I saw on MOC and it was a really good email, so I feel good about that. Hopefully she will email me back and say "Hey, you are amazing, can I come with you to John Vanderslice, hee hee" and then she will hang up. Whatever, I just took an email and turned it into a phone message where I am being laughed at, fucked life. Totally, me. So I will just keep looking, this weekend I hope to find something that is going to be mucho better for work and maybe even meet a girl and hell, lets be totally unrealistic. Okay, enough wishful thinking, a lot of people out here are interested in my tattoos and I like talking about them. Peace.Love.

Oct. 19 2002

I really didn't do anything today, I have this check from work that I tried to cash a couple of times, to no avail. I have to wait until Monday now it looks like, and that sucks because then I will be working again and everything and work weeks suck. Yeah. I got up at 730 in the am and sat on the computer and moved around diary things. Steve got up and we went to the Paradox for breakfast and the girls that work there are so cute. I really like that and they think that we are gay, probably. Ahh, that is alright. Girls, they are everywhere. Like, Justin and I went to the grocery store and there were these two girls that were really cute and they were looking at me and I was looking at them and then I left, that was that. It is like I can see them and then I can acknowledge their cuteness and then my brain throws all these balls at my body, stopping it from doing anything, being lost in contemplation. It is kind of sad, and kind of stupid. Justin and I may go tonight to see a movie, but nothing is guaranteed, and I think that I spend too much of my free time behind this computer screen. Before, when I was writing in journals with a pen, it was different because I could go out and do that, I guess I could too with this laptop, and I guess it would also be pretty much the same, so I don't really know what I am talking about. I just don't really have anything to do. But that will change soon, I was invited to a party next Saturday that is being help by and for one of the girls, Emily, from the bike meeting that I went too. And I guess because I responded with interest to some emails that were sent that I get this invite and that will be cool. She said that she would see everyone at Critical Mass, and I will be doing the same thing I did last month, so hopefully she is cool with that. I don’t know, maybe I will show up to the party and just be mobbed by these right wing critical masser's that want to stop at all the stoplights and compromise safety. I don't know anything. I am going to start doing something soon though, one day. Peace.Love.

Oct. 20 2002

Wow, I am old. I don't really understand my process of determining this, but this is it. Ready? Okay, so I am looking and talking to people on the internet and I find out they are 18. And that they were born in 1984. That makes me four years older than them, that means that when they were born I was four. I don't know, though, I never know about matters that far past. Anyway, another way I determine how old I am is when I am at any store that sells cigarettes and they have the "If you were born before this date in 1984" and I think, wow I remember when that said 1980. Because I smoked then and it was kind of a big deal. Whatever, that is really not important, because now that I think about it, I am really not that old. I mean, as far as I feel I will always feel old, because of the strain that goes through my mind and that I don't suppress that strain with drugs, but I probably will never really be old, the way that I think about it. I will age, true, but being old in the way that I have given in and I am an "old-timer" sitting on a porch telling rambunctious children about when I was their age, I don't see me as being that kind of old. And I think that this kind of talk only magnifies my age, because I think about it and I think about what has been going on, what has happened to me in that time and then I compare my last four years with some people that have been factors in my life for that time and I start to think well although I am old I am still sprightly. Then I shake my head at myself for thinking these weird things, because none of this really matters. Last night we were going to see a movie and that never happened, the movie was sold out, so instead we stood on a corner for awhile and then Steve went to go buy something at Natures and Justin and I went to a bar. The Triple Nickel, on Belmont. It was a decent place, we played three games of pool and each had on drink. We aren't very good at pool. Hah. It was an odd atmosphere, it seemed heavy like there was a lot of mixed kinds of people massed in one place and they weren't molding together, they were happy with the separation. I wasn't. I felt that disconnection, and I wanted to talk to some people, to put myself out there for the greater good, but please, would I do that…I don't have that kind of get-go in a bar. So we played the pool and left, came home and I went to bed. That is the story.

Oct. 22 2002

It is morning and I am about to go to work, yesterday I repeated aloud and in my head how much I hate my job. And I don't really hate it that much. I don't know, for what I do and how easy it actually is I get paid pretty well and if I just accept that and try not to think about work, maybe things will work out? And I went online, I was going to post the epic, "Order and Reason", that is the end all be all of my writing history…so far. Everything that I have on me or access to that I have written is in there and it is pretty hefty, about 290 pages. I wanted to post in on Xanga as my last xanga entry(ies) because I need to phase that out to be true. But it is a little too much for it to handle so I have to post it in segments and at a later time because if I sit here and do all that right now, I will be very late for work and I don't want to be late after I just convinced myself that it isn't that bad. Hah. Peace.Love.

Oct. 23 2002

So today was another day, that is all. It was not a great day, nor was it horrible. There is no one home right now so that means I get to listen to TMG and revel in it. Lord how I wish we had a regular radio in the living room. I just got home from work, I don't really like my job, I t don't think that I fit the mold very well. I don't know…I never know. Tomorrow is a big day and so is Friday. I am so looking forward to the next days adventures. Yeah. Tomorrow is my first court date in awhile, and the first that I will be representing myself and pleading not guilty. I am nervous, quite. From my limited court experience I know that I have to be at my best and make sure I do everything right, and hopefully I comprehend the language okay and don't choke. Then on Friday is Critical Mass again, so I can go get another ticket. That is going to be so fun and then later that night, reminiscent of last week, we will go see John Vanderslice at the Blackbird. I have half day of work tomorrow and a "conference" with the boss. And no work on Friday, oh how I hope I get fired and then collect unemployment or get a nice coffee counter job. Oh, Hah. My life…tsk tsk. I don't know what I am saying to myself anymore. So, this is a drawing I just did called "ape tite", aptly titled, I think. And I am now listening to the Mountain Goats on Justin's DVD Player. Yay.

Oct. 24 2002

So I went to court this morning, kind of. Court really wasn't what I thought it was supposed to be. I dressed up and thought that it would be like it was before, but I stood in front of a teller and I said to her that I don't think I am guilty and she gave me papers to sign and that was that, processed in a few months and I go back. What a system, eh? So on the bike ride there and on the way back I felt very liberated, like I was supposed to be doing that, right there, I felt very right on. I hadn't felt that way in awhile, I think it was because I was riding my bike to discuss a ticket that I got while protesting with my bicycle. When I got to the courthouse, of course, they searched me and my bucket, not the person before me or after me, they went through no other bags. The lady came across a bike tool and I said to her, that is a bike tool, it only has wrenches, she took it to some other guy and showed it to him and he looked at me and nodded and she said I was okay to go. Gee, good thing that a terrorist like me can get into a courthouse, domestic terrorist. Hah. So then I went to the bathroom and changed, and then to stand in the line. The lady directly behind me looked at my bucket and the stickers on there (No War in Iraq, This bike is a pipe bomb, Simplify, and an organics to you sticker) and asked me what it was. I told her it was a bucket that hooked onto my bicycle and that I was here for a bicycle related ticket, and she said "god bless you cyclists" and I smiled. Then the guy behind her started talking to us and then the doors opened and we started to walk. After I was done, the guy came back to talk to me for a moment and then he left and I was changed back into regular wear and I left. I got to my bike and put it together, put on my light and was off. On the way back I was thinking about why I was there and that I should really be more active with my cycle, because it is something that I do believe in. So I have a conference today after work, about work and hopefully they'll fire me or I will quit. I don't know. I will see what happens. Hah. Well, they didn't fire me, darn. Basically, it was a coo. The three of them got together in a room and tried to change me, to mold me and they said just that. It started with the owner talking to me about mythology and in so many words he said that I reminded him of the devil, or peter pan. And then someone else said that they wanted to refine me, that I was a diamond in the rough and they wanted to polish me. I told that I didn't want polishing, in many words. They really want me to cut my hair, I don't know why? My hair is awesome and I am not going to cut it. They want me to get plugs in my ears and I want to do that too, that just isn't priority on my list of way to spend the money I have. I have 193$, from working the other week. I don't really understand completely how I am being paid, I thought that I was going to make much more than that…but, I didn't. Oh well, back to the conference. I don't feel much was accomplished, I was very forward with them, I told them that today I went to court for the same reason why I need to have tomorrow off. They semi-understood and asked to me to not get arrested. I said I would do my best. Hah. Basically, they want me to clean up my image for the sake of the company, and I will kind of. I will not change my hairstyle, although I may wear a hat. I will not take out my earrings although I will stretch my ears and put plugs in them. I will not remove my tattoos, although I will wear long-sleeves. This is the same as my Dad asked, and I basically did the same for him, but he paid for everything. They expect me to pay for all of this stuff and that is a hefty bill, I am not prioritizing that. I think I made that clear, I don't know though. And I was on the internet and saw a picture of John Vanderslice, for reference. And it wasn't what I thought, at all. So, good things to come. So tonight, I got home and had nothing to do, so I got on the internet and starting looking at things, I came across the Blackbird website, looking at JV and saw that Sarah Dougher was playing tonight at the Blackbird. I wanted to go, yet had no money and wanted to see what Steve was doing and if he wanted to go, together we would find the money. So, he gets home and is all in a rush, why? He is meeting someone at the Blackbird to go see Sarah Dougher. Crazy. He asks Justin to lend him the fee and Justin does so. This still leaves me with no money, so Steve dug through the change bucket and got out six dollars for me. Then we rode up there, and we got there in the middle of the second band, which was a good band, they had a cello which is something I hadn't seen or heard in awhile and it was good. Steve met his friend during that and after that there was a long pause, then Sarah Dougher came on. I know very little about her, I have heard one song, I downloaded it this summer while Tiffany was in town and she told me that I wouldn't like her. I listened to the song and I didn't like it. Later on, in Portland I played the song for Steve and gave him the same warning that Tiff gave me and he kind of gave me shit for saying something like that before he had heard it and then I played it and he liked it, and I liked it too. I think that Tiff was trying to tell me not to like it this summer, and I think she was doing that because she thought that I was losing my feminist edge, if I ever had one. So, halfway through Sarah Dougher this large smile crept onto my face and I realized. I realized that not all girls are looking for a guy. And that not all guys are looking for a girl. And I think that is what Tiff was telling me about, maybe not, but this is how it plays out in my head: Somewhere down the line I was told that guys like girls and girls like guys and that there is a significant other out there that is also of the opposite sex that you will find and everything will be not only better, but great, for the both of you. Subconsciously this stuck with me until tonight, or maybe last night. Last night I bought a book, well a couple of books, but one called Love: 101. And I have been reading it and it is mainly about loving yourself and that the idea of a one and only significant other isn't exactly the best way to bet your money. The best way is to love yourself and then learn to love others, or something like that, I haven't read a lot of the book. So I had that realization while watching Sarah Dougher, who I was amazed by, and the reason my train of thought is like this is because I would look at girls and see how things play up (and out). Whatever, what I am trying to say is that I would look at girls and see that they needed something and that I could give it to them, that they had some sort of pain and I could fill it. Maybe that is how people look at me and this book is telling me that maybe there isn't a girl out there that I am destined to love, maybe I will just continue with these meaningless flings and try try try and never get it right and beat myself over it when I should be concentrating on loving myself, on making the best out of the time I have with myself. It is hard to explain, basically I want to day that I have realized that I have a problem with my outlook on life, and that I am now going to work to change that, and I am going to start with myself. And I think where Tiff was coming from is where I am now, it just takes a minute for my ears and my mind to correlate with my body and carry out. So I had these thoughts and because of them I had to leave the concert right after Sarah Dougher, missing the last act. It was a short, cold ride home. I had to leave because I have a bad short term memory with my thoughts and ideas and I didn't want to lose this one, but I have lost some of it. Steve's friend, Kayla, or something, gave me a hug when I was leaving and then said, I forgot your name, and I though that was funny. Hah. There was another very large point that I wanted to make, but like I was saying before, I forgot it. I am sitting here, racking my brain to remember it, yet there is no recollection. It is a sad terminal life we live. I am hopeful though, and always learning…or at least remembering.

Oct. 26 2002

I don't even know where to begin yesterday, I guess I will start with me getting up in the morning. It is true, yesterday, I woke up. I woke up to Newt trying to lick me and then I threw Newt on Steve and that woke him up, then I started to make breakfast, and he finished making it. It was some fake sausage, bread and tofu scramble…and it was good. That is kind of a lie, that happened two days ago. Yesterday I ate two bowls of granola by myself for breakfast. Then, he was off to go to work for some thing, and to get his check. I went to cash my check and I then had 193.00 woo-hoo. He came back around 1 and had a date, so we talked, he showered and then he left. He was off to the Paradox to eat, which is where I was going to go, but as he had a date there I was unallowed. Sad. So instead I took a shower and then rode downtown around 2:30. That was at least three hours before Critical Mass was to start so I went around looking for a place to go eat or something. I walked for a good hour, not finding anything pleasing so Then I decided I would just go to some little place and get a Chai tea with soy milk and sit there reading Thoreau, Walden. I did this, but the place closed like ten minutes after I got my drink so I was sitting there reading and she is like, you gotta go. So I went to under the Burnside bridge. I posted two John Vanderslice posters and I wrote a little message for the masser’s on a pillar. Then I sat there reading and I read for about fifteen minutes when I started hearing all these cars honking on the bridge, and I looked and saw a bicycle and a no war on Iraq sign. I decided to go up there and see what was up, if it was just one person and a sign I had another Vanderslice poster that I was going to turn into an anti-war sign and stand ground with that person, but there were like thirty of them and it was organized, I got a ready made sign and stood there for until I saw Steve come down the bridge and I yelled to him. I told him to come over and he didn't. So I decided to try to get rid of my spot in the protest, as I had a numbered sign that was part of a longer message. And Critical Mass was about to start soon, so I wanted to correlate with Steve before hand and I found someone to take over my spot and then I signed the petition and then I went to back under the bridge to see all the cyclists in their Halloween costumes and it was amazing. There were a couple hundred people when I went down there and before we left it was well over a thousand, I suppose. More people than last month. And this month was a bit more exciting, after we started going, very soon after, I was in front of a car and the lady accelerated into me. Meaning that she hit me and my tire was stuck under her bumper, she hit the gas, trying to run me over. I stopped, got a witness (Alicia Cohen, 503-475-9256) and waited for the ever-present police officers to file a report. They did come, and they let her go and told me to forget about it. Hah. Yeah right, I got her license plate number (VRL 979) and both of their badge numbers (Dodge,31293; Caspar,35444) and I am going to file a hit and run accident. I also got another witness for the cops letting the lady go and telling me to forget about it and that it was my fault (Rachel, 503-288-3270). I told them that I would be filing complaints under their badges too, and later on when I was getting a ticket for running a red light, those same two cops came up and gave me a ticket for impeding traffic like six blocks back. So I got two tickets, totaling 350$ and I am contesting both of them. And I am going to file complaints about the cops that disregarded the accident and I am going to try to do something about the lady that hit me. We rode the mass much more than last time, we rode it until about 8:30 pm when it started to split up, one group turned around to go back towards downtown and another group headed north to go to a party and the group that Steve and I were in went down NE Broadway, and we eventually split off and went back to Sandy to catch some John Vanderslice in concert. When we got there I was so tired and hungry and I had to pee. We got in ordered food, went to the bathroom, and got some water and rested. The food didn't come for like an hour and a half, it was bad service, but really good food. The first band was really good, Super XX Man, one man and his acoustic guitar and sometimes harmonica. Then there was another band that I fell asleep during and was roused awake by the doorman. Then was John Vanderslice, I originally thought that I would just sit through it and revel in the sound, but I got up and went to where I could see the stage and it was a very cool show, the drummer was very dramatic and it was just amazing. I didn't talk to JV like he asked me too in the emails, but that is because I didn't want to look like some groupie kid. Whatever. I was tired, after JV we left and I went home, promptly going to bed, I was very looking forward to sleep. I woke up this morning, much like yesterday morning and went to the store, to buy some breakfast goodies. We made breakfast that this time really consisted of what I previously stated only add tempeh bacon and omit toast. We read the paper and started playing guitar, talked and it a cold cold day. I am not looking forward to winter, but I know that spring will eventually come and bring with it John Vanderslice and hopefully, hopefully, John Darnielle. Peace.Love. Continuing with today, aside from the fact that my computer sucks and pretty soon it is going to be a crapshoot, or maybe electronic art. Hah. Anyway, I called some phone numbers about taking action against these police. The result is that Officer Storm just left the house, and is writing a report on the "hit and run" accident yesterday. Officer Dodge, yesterday told me that he didn't have any ID on him, and I asked Officer Storm if it was illegal to not carry ID while on a bicycle and he said it wasn't, but I should carry it, then I rephrased and told him about the Police Officer not having ID and he said that Police, with the uniform, badge, and gun, don't need any other ID. I thought that was pretty weak. Anyway, I have gotten nowhere with the other calls as most places are closed today, In a little bit I am going to make another call to Central PD and talk about officers Dodge and Caspar. And hopefully get something taken care of.

10/29/02 The computer is suck, I wanted to destroy it last night, to throw it over the balcony and then go pick up the pieces and make art out of something that brought so much goodness and grief. I had a talk with Justin last night, about Carfin. Justin and I talk alot about many varied things, it is a good relationship...he seems genuinely concerned about things, thus making me more willing to discuss them. Two things have been dominating my thought lately: CRITICAL MASS and the talk I should have with Carfin. I think one of them is past its prime, but, for now, I’ll just go to work.

10/30/02

I am at work right now, hah. And I was thinking earlier this morning about the shape of things, how I look at my life and why, what prompted me, to be this way, think this way, act this way; mostly in the genre of girls. As I look back, I see very clearly moments that shape my current thought, and some instances I’d rather forget. Instead of forgetting them, however, I am going to accept them and finally write them down. I don’t know exactly when these things happened, because of years of repression and lying to myself. Some of them may have even been dreams, because now, they seem the equivalent. Luckily I at least know the order they occurred in.
1. Never Kissed A Girl
The first real chance I had to kiss a girl, I ran. Sounds funny, but it was total fear. I was between 10 and 12 years old. I was hanging out with my brother and the Jefferson’s and some girls. They were drinking and smoking cigarettes, I might have been too, I don’t know. Basically, I think someone dared one of the girls to kiss me and she came toward me and I ran. I had never kissed a girl and didn’t want my first kiss to be some girl I don’t know, what can I say? I am a fucking sap. Apparently, I always have been and probably always will be.
2. Always Wanted to Kiss a Girl
Basically, this is a memory of the first girl I *kissed* if you can call it that. Hannah Carnell. Again, between the ages of 10 and 12. We were at the roller rink and there were a circle of girls that skated over to me and told me that I had to kiss Hannah if I still wanted to hold her hand, looking back it is comical, but it was very serious at the time. I gathered all the “cool” an un"cool" kid could and skated to where the circle of girls were and in the center was Hannah. I made it to the center and I, we, were still surrounded, I was so scared...I pursed my lips and went for it and after that initial peck my life didn’t change, everything was the same...I ran. Bolted on my skates away from the circle, I don’t know what I was doing, something that still plagues me.
3. Never Could Remember, and Never Will I Ask
Frances Gomeztagle. Longest half-truth, mostly lie...because I don’t know, that I have going. Wish I didn’t have to confront this one! So, what happened was the word around the school was that Frances wanted me to ask her to the dance, homecoming. I was probably fifteen now, maybe sixteen, I am not sure. I think I was a sophomore and she was a junior. Maybe I was a freshman, I don’t know. Anyway, eventually she asked me to the dance (I still wasn’t able to talk to girls...sometimes I think I still cant). A couple days before the dance a popular girl at the school died in a car accident and it hit home with alot of people including the two of us. We went to the dance and left quickly after the pictures and we went to one of her friends houses to smoke pot, ease the pain/tension/whatever. Quickly I smoked enough to blackout (something I did numerous times then) and that is all I remember. I woke up the next day at home (I think) and the next time I was at school things were said to me to suggest that I had engaged (somehow, in some way) in what could have been sex. I don’t remember anything and she and I have never talked about it. I don’t think I had sex with her, when I started meeting people in Griffith I told some people that I had lost my virginity, that I was experienced in the sexual stratosphere. I was lying. The person that constantly calls me on it is Steve. Man, oh man, when he reads this...or I finally tell him and rid myself of more unnecessary lies. The things people do to be considered cool, I hate remembering stuff like that. It hurts, in a sweet way. And, eventually, it turns into great joy...hopefully this is the same.
4. Never Can Forget, and Hard to Believe
What is about to transpire on paper is the reason I started writing this in the first place. I was at least sixteen when this happened, it happened so recently that I still have alot of trouble thinking and talking about it. It is this reason I “refuse to be a man,” a grand mistake that makes me recognize, fool. I’ll just dive right into it, my brother was having a party and it wasn’t really going anywhere...so some people came up with a plan. It was Jeff Evorik, my brother, me, and someone I don’t remember. We were going to drive to Gary, pick up a hooker and get blowjobs. I don’t remember if I really thought it was a good idea at the time, but I probably thought that we’d not find one so it’d be okay if I went, but, I hadn’t had a blowjob before so maybe I was all about it. Along the way Jeff made the point that after we had all gotten off, we would beat up the hooker and get our money back. I know I was not all about this, but I didn’t voice my opinion. I want to take this sentence to make it clear that we had all been drinking, and I don’t think I was in right mind, at least. Eventually, we found a hooker, or at least a drug-whore who took Jeff’s offer: $10 each for blowjobs. She got in back and my brother went first. He couldn’t get hard. She stopped and moved to me, I couldn’t get hard. Then Jeff went. I cant even describe what he put that girl through, just the way he treated her, like she wasn’t even human. It disgusted and continues to disgust me, but I might have laughed at the time, I don’t know, I just want to illustrate my naievety. Eventually she left without fulfilling anyone else, but keeping our money, I , at least, was schooled. I learned some things that night that I keep with me at all times, this occurrence is very vivid as to why I am, especially with girls. I treat them well, and cannot stand people attempting to destroy themselves. So, my dark secret is the hooker story and it is horrible, but as I write it I accept that aspect of my past and it rounds out to be not that bad.
5. Finally Bona-Fide
Melissa. End of story. I was 18.
6. The String
Right now, and starting with Abby earlier this year. Read up in past entries.
I didn’t think I would actually finish that today. I am at the Read and Black cafe on Division. Supposedly some bike activists were supposed to meet me here so we could hash out CM stuff. No one ahs talked to me about it. I think the movement has been stood up. Hah. That is alright, maybe I should keep it like this, it isn’t mine to even attempt to organize...just promote. There is a Halloween party happening here now, and I feel out of place. I should go home. Peace.Love.

Oct. 31 2002

So I have been remembering my dreams lately and that is a very good thing. Last night: John Darnielle. So, I had a dream that I was going to see John Darnielle, actually, Steve and I both were. It was in a theatre, at least it had theatre seating, and right before JD came on Steve left to go do something. I forget the first song he played, but I was very into it. I was dancing the crazy Indian dances from “Ghost World.” And JD got in my face and we were singing together. It was great. The next song, I don’t think was his, but it was more like a music video. It might have been a medley. Anyway we were all (the crowd) walking down a street and JD was in a suit with sunglasses and singing “your eyes as big as buttons” and his sunglasses shrank to the size of buttons. I was impressed, it was very cool. Then we went into a store and we were all singing, and Bada was marching along with us and some lady started going nuts about a stray cat. I said he was my cat and put him in my pocket and headed back to the ?hotel room? to drop off Bada and see if I cant find Steve. I think I woke up them and Steve wasn’t in bed, but Bada was. I got up to see if Steve were here at all, and he wasn’t. I don’t know where he is, but it explains why he wasn’t in my dream, and he is probably out with a girl. Had a bit of the late night, did he? Find out after work, I guess. Yeah, I had a gap at work around 12:30, so I went home for about an hour and a half. I had figured that Steve had already gone to work, but I was wrong. Around 2, when I was just readying to leave, he bursts in, exclaims his lateness and then heads off to work. I wont speculate, but he must’ve had a good time. I think I am going to start going to the Red and Black Cafe every night. It is a very cool place and a great way to burn two or three hours. Maybe I’ll actually meet some people, or something crazy like that. Hah. Also, during my downtime at home, I listened to the Mountain Goats. As I was just sitting her, thoughts of religion ran through my head, singularity. Yes, it is like religion, it is belief. Mostly just belief in yourself, but whatever. And, for prayer, it can be writing in a journal or something like it. Prayer would simply be taking who you are and putting it on paper, for memory. Today is becoming, or has become, a very good day. Once I was *really* done with work, I went to the library and did some stuff there, picked up a couple magazines. One is form this past May about how Paul Wellstone is the #1 Democrat for the Bush administration to “remove.” I think he was politically assassinated...but that’s just me. Anyway, I don’t know how that got in there, then I went home, hung out, ate guacamole, talked with Justin, showered, talked with Steve when he was back for a spell, and then I stood there. There isn’t much to do at the house. Justin was watching TV and the media was covering a protest downtown. It was anti-FTAA so I said bye and was off. I couldn’t find it at first so I went to Powell’s to get some applications. Quickly I left to find this protest, and I found it, or what was left of it. There were like fifteen to thirty people milling about, a few guys packing up equipment and a DJ. It felt positive, but it was over, so I left. For the Red and Black Cafe, where I am now listening to Folk Music, drinking soy chai, enjoying life, and living. There is now a girl sitting across from me who is definitely cute, and I’d like to talk to her. But, I wont, why? She is wearing knee-high leather boots, it isn’t the height, its the leather. That is one of my problems, my quick estimations and my reasons for remaining closed off. I shut someone out if I cannot look at them and visualize something more than just talking. Because after the talking, then where? That is my hang up. And I don’t know how to get around, I don’t feel that I am missing out on anything, except a little outside love and a lot of grief, but so what? I don’t really know anything. Not even about myself.

Nov. 1 2002

Justin was watching a sitcom on TV, just before I left to be here at the Red and Black. While he was watching, I was in my room and I could hear it, they were talking about sex. Like so many sitcoms (I think) they were using a laughtrack, and it was turned on (the same laughs) for the wrong things at the wrong times. I was thinking to myself that those laughs were programmed in such a way to teach (or show) the viewers what is funny. I don’t know if it is working or not, I do know that it isn’t working on me though. I think that billboards against smoking are funny. I saw one yesterday that had a cowboy with a cigarette in his mouth that was limp and the bottom said: "warning: smoking causes impotence" the truth is funny to me. Speaking of yesterday, it carried on into today. After I left here yesterday I went home and had a few beers with Justin, I was passing the time until Steve got home so we could talk a bit then we could sleep, well he got home and said "you guys want to go to a Halloween Party?" I said yes, Justin said yes, we costumed and left. Steve and I wore SWA jumpsuits and Justin was a Jedi Knight. Steve and I rode, Justin drove. Steve knew people, Justin and I didn’t. Steve stayed the night, Justin and I left around 2 a.m. The party was fun, but regardless of that, the previous line illustrate how in between I am. And I feel that in between too. Steve is on a few extremes and I lean towards most of them, Justin is totally moderate and I feel that way most of the time. I don’t know why Justin is moderate, but I know I feel that way because I cant make up my mind, most things are touch and go for me...it is easier to sit on a fence and lean than to jump to one side and run in the field. Yeah, so that was a side road I hadn’t thought I'd take, whatever. Something that really boosted my confidence and caught me off guard was all of the compliments I received on my tattoos last night. Of the 4-10 people I engaged in talking too, I would say 2-7 of them mentioned and complimented them. I don’t really think about them (and I don’t think they are really worthy...yet, just wait until they are finished), but it was a nice thing to pop up. When I got home, I slept. I woke up at a quarter til seven, Steve was gone again (still), I shut off my alarm (before it went off, it was set for seven) and fell back asleep. Of course, I didn’t want to fall back asleep, I wanted to get up for work! Yeah right, I woke up again at 7:20 and jumped from bed and was ready to go at 7:35. I didn’t have to leave, really, until 8. So I sat there and then went to work. As usual, I don’t like my job. Hah. I got paid (319$) though and bought some food and paid rent. I made pasta tonight, with my first 100% homemade sauce (well, I guess I did use some canned tomato products...) and it was really good. Then I came here, lately, I am always here. And I was taught (retaught, retaught and taught again) a lesson tonight: never expect. I come here, get a chai and then a coffee, and that is it. Every time I went for the coffee I would pull out two dollars to pay for a regular price coffee, but I would only be charged 50 cents, for a coffee refill. So, tonight, instead of pulling out the two dollars, I just pull out one...expecting to pay 50 cents, but I am charged $1.50 and I look like an ass. Hah, what else is new? And, when I am done here, Steve has kind of invited me to another Halloween party tonight, but I think I'll opt out and go to the bar with Justin. When you play the middle, you have to BALANCE both sides or you’ll fall. Plus, Steve’s parties are for Steve, not really for Brian. Peace.Love. I just left the Red and Black, after watching a movie called "Urban Warfare", about the militarization of police. It was very enlightening, it shed light on the Seattle protests of 1999, something I had been rather ignorant about before. I wanted to buy a copy of the video, but I couldn’t justify spending the money on a video I couldn’t watch on a TV that I didn’t have. Then I thought about sending it to Houck, but instead, I left. Now I am at home listening to Carfin hack away in the kitchen and Justin’s TV. Hopefully Steve gets back soon so we can all collaborate and then continue to get out of here...maybe to a place with a good jukebox, or at least good music.

Nov. 2 2002

So, that place was again the Triple Nickel, and I, again, had a good time. Justin and I had stayed until just about closing, then we left...for home. When I got home, I didn’t contemplate for long, I just gathered a few beers and headed off on my bike to the party Steve was at. I found it, rode past it quite a few times, then left. Steve’s parties are for Steve, not for Brian. So then I trekked back home, it wasn’t far, I was on Hawthorne and 60th, it was late and cold, so I came home and really broke the computer for good. Now, I am at the library waiting for it to open (remi- Santa Barbara). That is not to say nothing happened between breaking said computer and now, I am just not writing that yet. The library worked out well, prompting me to print out my resume for a job fair today at Powell’s, check some email. I emailed John Darnielle about the dream I had and he responded. He hopes to be out here in the next half-year. I just hope. So then I came to the Paradox, vegan number five alleviates pain...ohhh. So, about what else happened this morning, Steve came home to eat some cereal I bought and then left to go out with another girl. The last three nights he hasn’t slept at home and has made out with a different girl each night. I feel disconnected with him right now. But he feels good and that is all that matters. I woke up this morning to talk to him and invite him to breakfast here, but he is gardening with girl. I told him that I don’t know him anymore, and I was only half-joking. He then half invited me to do something tonight but failed to tell me where it was and left. I don’t know if I am supposed to see him or not before tonight, however, I don’t think I will, with his plethora of girls to please there isn’t much downtime for our regular banter. It is just momentary distraught though. I am pretty sure this is just a wave he is riding and eventually it will stable out. Back here at the Red and Black, they are showing the Urban Warfare movie again. After breakfast I came home and hung out with Justin for awhile, until we left to Powell’s books for open interviews. There was quite a long line, and we stood in line for two hours and once we got to the front of the line, they cut it off and said come back tomorrow, I laughed. Then we came home and ate the leftover pasta, sat around for a bit and then headed off for the library. I rounded up traffic citations to verify their validity. And, I noticed I had another citation for "impeding traffic," both of which I have found separate loopholes out of. There are two down (and $350 of mine that the city doesn’t get) and two to go. One for corking ($77), and one for running a red light ($175). I think I can get out of the red light, but am still looking for a verifiable legal argument out of the corking ticket. I was happy about that. We came home again, chilled, opened a beer, put on the first Rage Against The Machine album, picked up a book and read. Then Steve came home, and I wasn’t going to ask him anything, except about the show (Animal Liberation Orchestra), because if he wants me to know, then I will. I was sitting here thinking that the reason I don’t actively pursue to meet new people is because of the things I believe aren’t readily believed by most people and I don’t really see the purpose to engage in let-downs. It all sounds really pessimistic, I know, but the way I use it for myself, it isn’t. Broken down, it amounts to me not wanting to waste time on other people that could be used to better myself. I am not looking for people to "know" that can be part of my inner circle because I have enough now and am still sorting me out with myself. It is so hard to use words to explain it. Right now, looking at my life, I don’t need to bring any more complication into it, like I don’t need to ask Steve what’s doin' for me, if he feels he needs to get it out, I am here. He is on a different plain right now (as far as I can see) and I am in no position to bring him to me or to go to him. I am not losing sleep over it, but it sort of drains topics to talk about. Even a momentary shift in ideals reflects on what impact people or things have in my life. A lot of talk about a little thing. My thoughts dictate this hand, this pen, and I write what I think for the moment. I am subject to my own criticisms and sometimes it is hard to live with myself because mind/body/soul conflicts on issues. However, I have to work those out and do so justly. The things I think and explain themselves perfectly to me and because of that personal perfection, any attempt to show others or tell others (even myself in writing) turns to shit. Siddhartha, the Buddha cannot teach or tell of their enlightenments they can merely explain to others the steps they took to enlightenment. I don’t know any actual wordage, I just understand the concept and completely agree with it. So, in summary, I am going to stay myself and open my doors to anyone that decides to take an active interest in me, but, I do not foresee myself actively pursuing anything aside form self-enlightenment for some time. Possibly my entire time in Portland, but I have no idea what I am saying most of the time so this is probably synonymous with most of the time. Hah. Really, I think that I just need to be totally alone for awhile and get in touch with myself.
We're broke and we're tired
but we've got fire
and the billboards above us
all say that they love us
we carry our boundaries
and we can put them down
--Hunter, from Woven
I went to the "show", that was really just a house party with live music, but the music was good, as evidenced from above lyrics. It is late and I would like to go into all sorts of detail about the party, but I also want to test my memory overnight.

Nov. 3 2002

There is so much to write, I almost wish I hadn't slept. I will go backwards, as that is easiest and I am all a bout ease. I just left the apartment to be at the Red and Black, Carfin was outside and we had the longest conversation in days, she said: "where you going" or "are you leaving" , "yes" or "the Red and Black", "that place is cool", "yes", I have been going there alot", she starts talking to the cat and I stand there, "okay, bye." That was that, hah. Steve had just recently gotten home and I was in Justin’s room listening to TMG and he said what’s up and I said nothing, I continued to listen and he went to find an audience, Carfin. The two of them were having a good conversation, I was semi-listening, mostly just hearing. I came to the song "Alpha Double Negative: Going to Catalina", and it really hit home. Basically, JD is saying: I hear you, but it doesn’t matter, I don’t really care, I am not listening anymore. And that is what I am going through with Steve. He has his "what’s goin on," interacting with people, showing who he is to them and making out with girls. I have mine, and right now it is to remain inside myself, do for myself what I intend to do for the entire world. Last night (I know, I am getting off track) I convinced myself that because I am still learning myself I have nothing to teach, and where I want to go/be (in relation to people) emphasizes self-knowledge (the I don’t know I'll ever attain) over "just getting the message out there", I want to believe in myself and then offer something to believe in, not offer myself unto people and hope they give me enough encouragement to believe in myself. Anyway, right now I feel pretty disconnected with everyone in my life except (surprisingly) Justin. Then I took my shower and left into the previously written Carfin situation. So, before that Justin and I went to Powell’s. This will start my day, he basically woke me up at 9 and said he wanted to leave at 9:30 for interviews that start at 10:00 a.m. We got there at 10 minutes til 10 and we started at the same place we started yesterday. Things went quicker though and we both passed all interviews of the day. If we make it we will get calls on Tues. or Weds. I think Justin has a better chance, but my interview went well. That was that, I am hopeful, and will quit my other job if it comes down to it. Then there is the rest of last night... Which we'll probably never get too. So. I was sitting here, making a necklace, and out of nowhere this girl proclaims to me her dislike for the Oregonian and from there we talk about a multitude of things and two people next to us engage also and my "non-active pursual" is going great. I talked to all of them, and it was good. And they all eventually left. Wow, life! About a half hour ago I thought of calling Steve and asking him to come down here. Fifteen minutes later he rode by, staring in the window as I stared out. If he didn’t see me, he should’ve seen my bike; I assume he saw me, but he didn’t turn around, zero acknowledgement. Oh well, more important things going down, I assume. But, as I am told, "When you assume, it makes an ass out of u and an ass out of me." Well, at home again, late. I want to get in that I talked to Steve about my "not actively pursuing" outlook. And, before the day is done, I really do want to finish last night. Steve had told me about this show, but not much. He didn’t tell me that it was basically a house party with live music. Which is a cool thing, except when it is a total "in" crowd and outsiders aren’t shunned, but ignored (especially with my outlook) so I sat in a chair all night long, thinking. Listened to Woven, watched people. At one point, Theresa, a 45-year old lady, sat next to me and started flirting with me. I wasn’t into it. One of Steve’s "friends", Libby, sat down on my other side and engaged me away from Theresa, which was nice. But, I didn’t really want to talk to anyone and shortly after she left me to find Steve, I left to leave. So, it was a mixed night where , if I had a slightly more positive outlook on other people and my interactions with them, I could’ve had a lot of fun. As it was, I had a good time absorbing in myself and exploring personal depths.

Nov. 4 2002

Imagine this, me, at home, writing. It is probably because no one else is here, and I can listen to the radio. I like to write alone, when someone else is around it kind of feels like a cop-out, because why cant I just get off of my chest to them? This is about memory. Hah. I hate my job so so much. It isn’t funny, seriously, I don’t laugh when I think of the depths of hate that correlate with this job. I hope Powell’s comes through...hope hope hope, still hoping. I think I may have just realized what interaction is about, like what it really means to interact with another person. I think that it is mainly about comfortability, humans interact to feel comfort. This girl just pops in here and right away starts talking with me, as if it were a well thought out strategy. She was just excited about open mic poetry and wanted to feel a sense of comfortability amongst her listeners. And halfway through the open mic, she left. I looked at her and said a muffled good bye (this was at least an hour before the realization, but, also, the reason for the realization) and she paid no attention. Then the open mic ended (I didn’t read) and this thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel that too much is expected of human interaction, and now, I am working that out and soon, I will be whole. Hah!

Nov. 6 2002

I have a very serious problem with my muscles. I don’t know what the diagnosis is (and I'll probably never find out). but I am having all kinds of spasms. Today it is my right eyelid. I cant control it, every so often I'll blink and that eyelid will take off and blink like four times. Usually this happens with my right thumb, or sometimes my right knee will just give way, whatever it is, it is focused on the right side. The eyelid thing kind of hurts. The thumb thing just freaks me out and the knee thing has been happening the longest, I just sort of fall on one side and pick myself right back up. I don’t fall to the ground, I just sort of dip on one side. It looks weird and I am waiting for the day I collapse. I am just now thinking of smoking again, but I probably wont. And I am going to re-edit and omit some things from "People", I was reading it yesterday, and some of it is really good...most of it just blows, though. Yeah, that’s the truth, I just went through it and knocked out most of it. I have a grand idea of reworking it , I have had this same idea before, I want to find an artist that I can collaborate with and art up each page in conjunction with whatever poem or poems appear on that page, and I could hand write the poems to flow with the art, one day this will actually happen, and I cannot wait. And, oh yeah, Justin got the job at Powell’s and I have nothing, well I guess I have lots of things, and a job, but I cant stand the job. I was pro-active today, stopping at a coffee kiosk, inquiring about a help-wanted sign. Come back in the morning she says...maybe I will.

Nov. 7 2002

I drove by the place this morning and the help wanted signs were taken down. There go any immediate chances of attaining other work. It is morning, it is raining and I am at work, waiting. My first job was a no show and as my second job nears its starting time, the rain begins to pick up. The newspaper predicted rain for the next five days. Yay (sarcastic), it looks like the rainy season is among us. I wish I had a job where I didn’t have to drive. There is a comic from TIME magazine hanging in my kitchen that suggests instead of bombing Saddam we should befriend him and have Americans drive 100's of miles a day (using cheap Iraqi oil) and eventually global warming will melt the polar ice caps and Saddam will be flooded out. It is a funny comic and I am a part of the driving 100's of miles a day, yesterday I did one hundred and one miles and today I am at 23. I wonder if I've ever mentioned how much I hate my job, and how much I wish I worked somewhere else, like Powell’s. Oh, Glory God, why don’t you share. Sometime today, while I was at work, I made some conversions using the back of this journal. I discovered that 20,000 leagues equals 69,159.009 miles. And, today is the eighth day in a row I have visited the Red and Black, and it has begun to rain. Even when I ride my bicycle and, I have no water guard thing on the back...it all equals out to me being at the cafe with a wet ass. Tonight is the fiddle band, and I like them.

Nov. 8 2002

Well, it is Friday and I got paid today. Almost $400. I am going to start a bank account, then cancel my centier account, and cancel my AOL subscription. I want to write a few letters this weekend, to Cousin Lisa, to Frances, to Alexandria, and to Rob. I am also planning on buying a phone card and using it to call my father and Alex. I haven’t made a phone call for a long time, probably a month or better. So, phone calling will be a little bit awkward. I spend most of my days in this truck, and I hate it. Riding last night, albeit in the rain, was very joyous and liberating. I was totally soaked when I got home, the rain picked up! I made some form of onion soup last night and it was good. I put vegetable crackers into it and used bread. Sometime this weekend I am supposed to hang out with Steve, I know, we share the same bed, but we never see each other. I, hopefully, can catch up on what’s doing in his life a little bit, I mean he is my best friend. He has been staying the night at this girl Cortina's house a lot and I figure I can see if they are dating, what happened with the rest of his suitor(esses?), see how his job is going, if he cares, I'll tell him a little about me. Hah. I am very seriously considering going up the country on Saturday, to Olympia. Take a day trip, probably by myself, and go visit. Leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday evening. Maybe go visit Amanda and Rob, meet the Java Flow girl, see Frank and maybe Lucas and others. I think about up there alot. And, it would be good for me to go back to Olympia. It would be cool if Steve went too, so we could catch up and what not, but we will see. If I see him tonight, I'll run it by him. In a special twist of the day, the sun is starting to shine while I am in my downtime. When I am actually doing something, it will probably start to pour. Hah. Life. I have a roll of duct tape that I use for work, and I think I am going to quit the week that runs out. I had previously said that I wanted $400 saved to quit, well, doing it this way, I should have more than that (hopefully) by then. `The roll should last me close to the end of December, and if not, maybe I will just quit before the start of next year. The problem with that, however, is that holiday workers start to be laid off around then and I would be out looking for a job. Regardless, I will not be at this company for longer than three more months. All these stopping points, it is laughable. At work, I run ahead of schedule, very few people (this is a gross estimation formulated in my gross mind) do. By that, I am talking customers. I have like 1-3 hours of downtime a day, where I just kind of sit here. And, in any given day, I do at least 3 hours of driving. I would say that I only "work"--actually, really work--between one hour and two hours a day. Sad. And, if my customers were on schedule I would be done already, eating lunch...or taking a shit. I was right about the rain thing, I have been sitting here for a good half-hour and it was looking. Then I get the call the lady is on the way and down come the droplets. Little bastards, I love them. I just hate my job. When I get home from work, I was quite energized. I had just spent an hour at the bank, setting up a checking account, so I was once removed from work. When I got home it was like I had just gotten out of the shower. I talked with Justin for a little bit, while gathering laundry. Then I started the laundry and Justin was interrupted talking to me by the phone. The caller was identified as Diane. It was nice to talk with her, she says she is planning on coming out here to visit in January. Cool, we talked for half-hour, she filled me in on what’s going on. I had no real idea prior to this evening of happenings in NW IN, but my food just arrived so I am stepping off. So, as I was riding home from Dots, that is where I was just eating (vegan burrito, 22 oz Rolling Rock), I heard some peculiar music. I slowed and rode into the parking lot of the Powell Music House and through the window I saw something I had never seen before: a xylophone choir. It was so very cool. And, that alone, is the reason I prefer riding to driving--in a car that wouldn’t have been noticed...and if it had, it "wouldn’t be worth it" to turn around and see what it was. Then, as I was locking my bike to the tree outside I heard a girl say "No, I am not getting back in the car, mom. You told me to get out." Then the Mom talked, the girl said "just hope I don’t get raped". I thought, wow. If it kept up I would’ve gone over and offered to call someone or something, but after the Mom responded to the rape comment, the girl was back in the car. I see and hear these things, and I think "well, here I am, this is me." It is neither a good or bad feeling, just me acknowledging that I am here, doing my thing.

Nov. 9 2002

So, it's quite late in the day, and this is quite an amazing day, so far, one of the best. And, surprisingly, it is really getting better! So, last night, wait, I don’t even know where to start. Okay, okay, after work, I just looked back, and I've already covered after work. Hah! So, when Steve got home, or when he called, we decided to meet at a bowling alley, to bowl. It was not fun, it was very big, very bright, and wholly not worth it. At one point they played Michael Jackson music to get people in some kind of mood, it made me sick...it made Steve dance. That is an adequate portrayal of our current/recent disparity. Whatever. So, after three games, split between the three of us, I basically called it. I was having zero fun and had no intention of faking it. HaHa. I said to Justin, I said: "look, we need to do something," so we went to play some pool and music at the Triple Nickel, on Belmont. I had fun there, won a game against Justin, and an unknown. Justin was surprised I wanted to stay out late. Why? Because we were all getting up early today for a little road trip. Yeah, I stole the work truck today and drove the three of us on up to Olympia. Wow, wait til I get to some details...any details. Okay, here I go. Got up around 8:30, to Steve on the phone with one of his "friends", Libby. So, I got up and Steve left for the store to replace some items I purchased for breakfast that he ate last night. we ate, read the paper, Justin showered, and by 10 a.m., we were off (of course, not before listening to an inspiring "Olympia, WA" by Rancid) for Oly. We stopped for gas, $20, then went to Safeway so Steve could cash his paycheck. Then, after that, we were really off. And, after a relatively uneventful ride, we were in Oly by 12:30 p.m. On the way, I was pretty tense, about the ladder system failing, or getting pulled over...but, once I get to the ride home, my tension was horrible. So, we got there, and by 20 miles to Oly I was ripe with anticipation. It had been awhile and I was ready! We got to Oly, drove through downtown and eventually parked the truck just North of the Java Flow and Reservoir style, walked to the shop. I was all smiles and, amazingly, Frank was there on a Saturday sitting in the window and he yelled "NO", "NO", when we walked up. It was great, he gave Steve and I a hug and we caught up. It was past due and we went into a drastically changed Java Flow to engage in conversation with Frank and Pepper (!), Me Steve Justin, and a bus driver. We talked for a good hour and a half, then Frank had to go, and we needed to go to lunch anyway. Lunch, Le Voyeur, "Chicken" Fried Tofu...mushroom gravy, yum. The trip, I think, was worth lunch. I spent $10 on lunch, maybe $12, I am not totally sure. Yeah, and the girl with long black hair that used to work there, well, she still does, and she waited on us. I think she remembered us, but she could just be friendly too. Yeah and then we were going to go to Oly World News, but it has closed down since I have last been in Olympia...which was Jan. of 2000...hah. So, instead we went to the resale shop just down the street from the flow. I bought a Mountain Goats CD, "All Hail West Texas" for $13.95. It is a CD full of songs I've ever heard, and I think it was/is a good buy. Then we went back to the Flow and hung with Pepper and the two guys (Brittyn and Adam) that run it now. They are anarchists and seem pretty active, but, they also seem geared towards a violent revolution. I gave them our address and phone number for if they need a place to stay for a few nights in Portland. Then we headed off to the West Side Co-Op, memories, yeah. I spent five dollars there. Then we continued on the West Side to Rainy Day Records where I bought a Teenage Fanclub CD, and a Jad Fair/Daniel Johnston CD, for a total of $16. After that, we left Oly. We started to head back to Portland. It was dark and raining and quiet on the ride home. The first half sucked for me. I kept thinking we were going to blow a tire or get pulled over, or crash and that would all suck. Then Justin and I started talking to each other. And we talked back to Portland and it removed my thoughts from other things. It was a tough time getting home, I was crabby after driving and snapped at Steve trying to "offer advice" on how to drive. I apologized because I had no reason to snap. Then we listened to some CD's (Steve bought two). Then we just sort of milled around for a bit, Steve went to the Haven to see a work related show (and pay $5 on top of that), I came to the Red and Black cafe to write, instead I have been flooded with two really good musical acts for free, and I am having an organic beer, my first beer here. It is rounding to late now and I am thinking of asking the names of the bands, but I probably wont...

Nov. 10 2002

Morning is a good thing, it is so very quiet and cold. I love it. luckily, my morning has been very well kept so far. After yesterday, hours of immersion in my roommates, it was good to get up before them and read the paper. Then to leave alone for breakfast alone. I am very absorbed in myself and I like it. So, this real-time writing is going to be a bit odd, but I just asked the waitress "you know what, can I get a cup of coffee?" What an odd way to word a question, it really makes little to no sense and I sometimes wonder about my ability t converse with other people. Anyway, after this breakfast I am going to head to the library to check email for a bit. And, here, at the Paradox, they play Beck and I like it. So, as I sat here eating, I was looking in the mirror thinking. I was thinking about how much I don’t belong , I am sitting at the bar by myself, eating and smiling like a lunatic. Sometimes I really feel like I deserve to be in the forest jumping through trees or something. A man next to me started a conversation with me and I don’t know how to respond, I answered the questions posed but asked no follow-ups. I wonder if it is some sort of deficiency I am afflicted with. Somewhere along the way of my writing I wrote about the "great knowledge of need" and I found myself thinking heavily about it on my way to breakfast, but that is off kilter, away from the point. I don’t know exactly what it is about me, but I don’t see in the mirror what I see when I look around. I don’t know if that is good or bad. I smile at the most absurd things, without end, and I usually cannot explain what I am feeling/thinking/doing, not even to myself. I want to say it is scary, but I am not scared. And, wish you were here" by Pink Floyd is a really good song. I am going to compile a new kind of diary today. I am taking over the book "Writings--for a new generation Oct. 20 2000 Olympia, WA". It only has two paragraphs in it and I started it as a reason to write something about art, for Rob. I am going to transcribe the two paragraphs and then begin to take it over. And, I will maybe explain more later...
"The best we can do is live, survive. Through the hate and destruction that plagues this life we are thrown into. Some choose to enhance their being with beauty--through art. Some choose to embrace the hate--through destruction. In the end, we find that we have survived this uncertain life, we have all done our best.
Aris Hedon
Searching for a resolution to the conflict of belief, and finding few results. The resiliency of reason lies in the strength of being, and as we travel through time--searching--, we realize truth. Be it personal or all encompassing, the reward of truth is the resolution, the result, the reason. Belief in art as a means to the end, to the truth, is perfectly viable.
Aris Hedon"
And, that is all that graced the pages of that notebook...more awaits them now. I had this really good thought come across me on the way here, the Red and Black, but the rain washed it away. Sad. After the Paradox, I went to the library, but they didn’t open for another hour, so I rode to Hawthorne and took a walk. I walked down Hawthorne to Crossroads music and proceeded through their extensive bargain bin. I bought two CD's for $6. A Speech (from Arrested Development) CD, and a reggae CD from a band called "One People". Then I walked back down Hawthorne and went to the library. It had been awhile, and most of my email was from Frank, in the two days before we visited. Messed around there for an hour or two and it was 3 p.m. before I got home. Oh, I also found out that MC Paul Barman is in town on Friday and Jason Traeger on the 22nd of December. Things at the house seemed kind of tense, probably my fault. Then I started the picture journal, which is coming out well. Each picture is accompanied by a three-liner inspired from the photo. I like it. Sometime in the middle of doing that, I was inspired to get rid of half of my CD's, I kept the five recent purchases...well, I will do a list of what I kept and what I got rid of later. Then I came here, and here, I will continue the Picture Journal. A little touching on the past, about human interaction, and my level of goodness in correlation with it. I sit here and I just smile and look at people, thoughts traverse my head: acknowledged and dismissed. These thoughts are hard to pin down, I have them but cannot latch onto and formulate them, they are so fleeting I wonder if they are really thoughts, or just some gross interpretation of thought that I cannot identify. The reason I hate my job is because I am alone with these thoughts for so long and if I want to escape them, sometimes I cant. And it frustrates me because I should be able to properly process them and make them real, true: livable. It is like living in a dream and forgetting, whatever that means. I think I really just need to learn how to interpret my thoughts, process them, formulate and delegate. Really, maybe that is my missing link, maybe that will make me a whole person? Here is that list:
Jeepers
Choking Victim: No Gods, No Masters
Slapstick: Discography and other
SubHumans: Rats
Blue Meanies: Live
Deep Thoughts: Comp. by Nitro
Rancid: Roots Radical single and Ruby Soho Single
Flaming Lips: The Soft Bulletin
Art of Noise: In Visible Silence, In No Sense/Nonsense
Yaz: You and Me Both
Gimme Indie Rock: Volume 1
Stage Diving to the Oldies: Comp
At War With Society: Comp
Minor Threat: Discography
Citizen Fish: Active Ingredients
Culture Shock: S/T
Casualties: Lie, For the Punx
Rancid: Life Won’t Wait, ...And out come the wolves, Lets Go
Eminem: The Eminem Show
Lars Fredriksen and the Bastards: S/T
Operation Ivy: Unity the Complete Collection, Play Loud
Hellcat Records Presents: Vol. 2
Dead Kennedy’s: Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death, Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables, Plastic Surgery Disasters
Keepers
Half Japanese: Hot, Bonehead, Music to Strip By, Greatest Hits
The Stinky Puffs: Something Smells Funny In Here
The Ecstasy of the Agony: Comp
Jad Fair: Greater Expectations
The Lucky Sperms: Somewhat Humorous
Speech: S/T
One People: S/T
U-Roy: Jah Son of Africa
De La Soul: 3 Feet High and Rising
Propaghandi: How to Clean Everything(b)
NOFX: White Trash Two Heebs and a Bean
Operation Ivy: S/T
Crass: Stations, Feeding, Penis Envy
Fifteen: Hush, Swains
Crimpshrine: Sound of a New World Being Born(b)
Billy Bragg: Back to Basics
Rancid: S/T
Sleater-Kinney: One Beat, Hot Rock, All Hands(b)
Le Tigre: Feminist Sweepstakes(b), Desk of Mr. Lady(b), Re-Mix(b)
Tori Amos: Little Earthquakes(b), Strange Little Girls
B Tribe: !Spiritual, Spiritual!
Devo: Now It Can Be Told
Bjork: Debut
Beck: Mutations
Violent Femmes: Viva Wisconsin
Weezer: S/T, Pinkerton
John Vanderslice: Life and Death
The Mountain Goats: Bitter Melon Farm, Protein Source, Ghana, West Texas, Tallahassee, +2 burned/downloaded comps
Teenage Fanclub: Bandwagonesque
Velvet Underground: Box Set
Lou Reed: Songs for Drella, Twilight (b)
Leonard Cohen: Songs, Songs of Love and Hate
Natural Born Killers: Sndtk(b)
Ween: God/Ween/Satan, Live
REM: Reveal
Quarterturn: A Live One, Demo
Sage Francis: Personal Journals(b)
Tom Waits: Mule Variations(b)
Janes Addiction: Ritual De Lo Habitual(b)
Atmosphere: Lucy Ford(b), God Loves Ugly(b)

Nov. 11 2002

Had I started this earlier, it might have been started with how much I hate my job, But as I am starting this now, I will lead off on a positive note and slowly delve into negativity--slowly. Hah, I am so happy right now, I don’t know why; it was a good bike ride here to the Red and Black, and I have had a few drinks...three, that is few. I ordered a fourth here, and this one = organic! Anyway, I do hate my job, but in my joviality, that doesn’t matter. Lets recap this day: I got up late, meaning the alarm had to go off, Justin was already up--showering. I really had to pee, so I got the paper. When he emerged, I shat, and then went to work. Work went fine, dragged late: til after 4 p.m.! First time for everything, I guess. I don’t know if it is normal, but sometimes but sometimes I feel no one has anything better to do than discuss me. It could be paranoia, it could be conceit, I don’t know, but the thought has come across me quite a few times today (that means, like, 4). Anyway, I got home and showered. Then, as previously planned, Justin and I headed off for Conan’s bar on Hawthorne, but not before he invited Catherine and she came along. The three of us at a bar. I blank out into nothing, (this nowhere land in my head (this is about right now, but thinking about it, it could also pertain to earlier this evening) and all of a sudden, I snap out of it and start writing again. That is the process, crazy. The bar was nothing special, had a few drinks (3), played some songs, and some pool, and left around 8. I thought I had something to actually write about, but we left, then I rode here. No big deal. Justin started his job , his amazingly fulfilling and great job, at Powell’s today. When I got home, that was the first thing I asked about. And he divulged. And I felt a form of jealousy, envy; not traditional, my own strain of emotion.

Nov. 12 2002

A mid-day comment on yesterday. I forgot yesterday, to write an incident that bordered ENJOYING my job. I was working on the SW side, in the hills, and I had a job on top of one of the hills, and I got up to the roof. I stood on the chimney, and it was beautiful, Portland. I could almost touch the tallest building, and the east side hills were just distant mounds of earth. The bridges were beautiful, the cars were ants. The river was astounding, and I was standing on top of the world, enjoying life, while working. Too bad today isn’t like that...I am at home, I was just looking through Carfin's old sketchbook, I say old, but I am sure it is current. It is really good, deep, emotional stuff. Some of it is just scribble, but if she really feels what she arts, she should let that show. No one is home or has been since I have been here (3 hours), so I have been listening to the CD's I bought and am very happy with them! I am going to open mic tonight, @ the Haven...I, again, probably wont read, but no promises there. I don’t know what it is, I bought a phone card a few days ago with every intention to call my father, and Alex...I still haven’t called anyone, since I have been here. I don’t know why I haven’t, I have consciously been putting it off. Fucking fear, but of what. Like, what is life? Hah. I think I'm-a-gonna go now, to the Haven, to write some letters...inspire some sort of interaction. So, this part of the entry will be based completely on completeness. I just wrote a letter, and I have been having internal debates on whether or not I should type these letters (they are sometimes quite personal, and most times quite beautiful) and include them in the epic that is "Order and Reason". Obviously, I don’t have any that I sent away, saving what they were/are would start with this one (which is both beautiful and personal); and, all of a sudden, it occurs to me that I should, because this diary is most times more personal than any letters. So, writing solves issues. Now, do I type the letter I receive...Hah. that will be a bit more debatable. Sometimes I wonder to myself why I don’t actively participate in these open mics, I should, one day. Hah.

Nov. 13 2002

Funny, last night. Erica introduced herself to me, her being the reason I was there. There being the Haven for open mic night, but that is an old thought. I went to the Red and Black with every intention to finish that thought, but left this journal on the table. Haven’t done something that absent minded in quite sometime. So, now that that is an old thought and I have so much more to build on, I will start explaining. I got "Tallahassee" by the Mountain Goats in the mail today and what a weird disc. I have been writing letters, and they are great. I have started to photo-copy them instead of type them, I am still positive on my intentions. One letter to Rob, poses a question; one letter to Kelly, answers it. One letter to Frances, tonight, to further answer the question and delve into what’s going on. My Dad called tonight. I wrote the letter to Frances at the Red and Black in lieu of this and the people started to file in, and pay money at the door. For a poetry slam. The people next to me were cool, I talked to them, jovially, with no thought of continuance. There was good poetry, but I saw two better poets last night. Kind of thought I'd see them again when I found what was happening; but, at the end, I respect them more for not going. But, I wouldn’t respect them less if they'd participate. It is much later than I ever thought it would be, and there are some good things going on tomorrow til Saturday. Hopefully, my hand (and dying pen) can keep up with the actions around me. I'll talk to and meet people this weekend.

Nov. 14 2002

Smoking is disgusting: evidence--



That, this little thing here, is mostly just an afterthought to the picture journal and day-old thoughts. So, laugh, and then just forget about it. While I was at home, I wrote this thought down, it is about Carfin, as she brought home a fourth cat today and she attempts to make it love her as she cannot love herself...here it is: (on the back of a business card taped in the journal) I don’t think it is a good idea to let too many beings come to depend on you, especially, if that dependence is a reflection of a void in your life, it is like teasing and torturing something and finally taking everything away. (and in big sharpie that takes up a third of the card) GOD YOURSELF.
Basically, I think that she is collecting these cats and making them love and depend on her. It is kind of like a reason to live. Now, I don’t know anything, and this is all speculation. I don’t want another cat, and I told her as much. I don’t want to get into diagnosing her or anything though. I just want to go about my existence doing my personal best, and surviving. The "GOD YOURSELF", and this business card go back to Conan’s and Justin and Catherine were discussing marijuana (which I have more to say about later). Justin was getting deep and quoting the bible, Genesis 1:12, (I don’t know what it says exactly, but God gave man all the seed bearing plants) and then Justin says "see god yourself, I mean himself." If I were going to get into that conversation at all, that would’ve been the spot, and it would have nothing to do with what was on the table. I kept quiet, and I am fine. I guess I might as well just delve into my day, exposing first the highlights and then, probably, whatever else I remember. I woke up, and no one was around, no one woke up in the time it took me to leave. Nothing new there, I went to work. No big thing until my first job, a joint effort with Rob. On this job I found out that the head sweep, Brandon, had been fired. Thoughts of a heavier workload and more bargaining power drifted across me until my third job when something new and odd-for-me happened...I got a tip. Quite non-traditional too, it was a bud of marijuana in a little plastic container. I chatted with the guy, he was quite cool, and then I left and on my next job, I got the same kind of tip. This, of course, lead me to singing songs about pot while driving, hah. At the top of my lungs "Mary-Jew-Wanna". And other things, it was fun. I had and have no intention of smoking it. I have left it in Justin’s room. He will probably find it while I am away, and that is okay. After I showered and Catherine had gotten back with the cat, I decided to call my Dad. It was mostly work talk, nothing too inspiring, we talked for an hour probably, and then he left. And, soon after, I left to photocopy a letter to Frances, come to dinner (at the Paradox, here now), and round everything off at the Red and Black with a pint or two of Organic Beer. It is very cold outside tonight, and I cannot say I enjoy it, but it is not raining and that is good. Goodness, the intensity. Recently, I finished reading a book, "The Hot Zone" by Richard Preston. Walking into the Red and Black Cafe is like a chapter from the book. This place is packed, a hot zone of level 4 minds, churning and a desire to develop in the rest of the population. Sometimes I pretend to be a good (at least decent) writer and what just happened there I will not account for. Anyway, this place is hot, and it is just how I like to see it. It somehow reminds me and drives deep the fact that the burner is still on, the pot (hah) still brewing, and soon our fictional cup of life will overfloweth and we shall guzzle up. I was wrong about the...wait, I am going to finish my thought, but I was totally right...weekend starting tonight. The band I thought was playing here is actually at Meow Meow where I'll be tomorrow to see MC Paul Barman. Then, Saturday will be here with the ELF Kings (I think ELF is really E.L.F. if you know what I mean...)

Nov. 15 2002

So, Steve got home around one in the morning last night, I woke up and we talked. I really don’t enjoy my living situation, and I am going to move out. Without Justin, and without Carfin. Nothing against them personally, I just want to live in a totally vegan house. To my surprise, Steve said he'd move out with me. I figured he'd feel more responsibility to Catherine and Justin. If he wants to get a two bedroom house with me on Belmont, that is awesome. If not, that is fine too. I just want a space where I feel totally comfortable, no TV, no meat or dairy products, no crazy drunk roommates, no four cats. I have an ideal that I would like to situate in my life, the current situation is far from ideal. I think natural is really the best, or at least real good. I look around and I see so many cute girls, and then I look again and see that is really just paint on their faces. Some girls that I see don’t have makeup, and they are so much more beautiful. Not that I don’t or wont like people that cake that shit on. Just, I wont really like dating them... Food is now here, at lunch, at the Paradox, and the server (girl) asked about my tattoos, thought it was a dinosaur...first time for everything. I have had bouts before with keeping track of things. In Olympia, I kept all receipts, I think I am going to start right now with what I eat during a given day and how much I spend. Intense project, but:
Breakfast: 1 medium bowl of mocha almond granola with SoyPlus Milk
Lunch: Tempeh sandwich with side of fries, $8.20 plus $3 tip.
I guess that isn’t that hard...except when I don’t write or have this at hand, or blah blah blah. If I don’t continue it, it is purely me not having follow through and the experiment not having much worth. So, it would be a fifty/fifty thing, half my fault and half my fault. Hah! So, when I got home for good, I sat at the table and told Justin I was moving out on my own. Side note: I am at the Red and Black, and there is on a very cool girl, a very cool shirt, "Critical Mass, putting the Riot back in Patriot". Justin was very set aside and unhappy with my decision. He thinks that me using my life to further my ideals (that in some way is at his expense) is unfair. He said that coming out here he felt a sense of security in the living situation. I told him not to depend on life, but on himself. Something like that. I don’t care, that is really blunt and not totally accurate, but it sums it up. I want to live in a small vegan household and I don’t think he is willing to sacrifice his meat to live with me. So that is that, I am getting out of that whole situation at least with myself.

Nov. 16 2002

Last night, I didn’t go see MC Paul Barman. I nearly fell asleep at the Red and Black, and all of a sudden my body lost all energy. I left. The ride home was hell. Justin was high. I ate a bowl of cereal and went to bed. Justin woke me around 11 p.m. to see if I wanted to go out. I remember contemplating it as I fell back asleep. I got up in the morning and no one was around except Bada and the new kitten. I laid there for a long while, then got up and read the paper. No action in the house, I wanted to go to breakfast, but not that early. I walked to Walgreen’s and bought a camera. Meandered around the store for awhile. Then left. It was later when I got back and I thought it was okay to leave for breakfast. Then I started reading a book and lost track, I was semi-waiting for Steve, but mostly just waiting for the Paradox to cool down, because it is really cold outside lately and I didn’t want to wait outside. So, Steve comes back, my track of time: I got up around eight and left for Walgreen’s around 8:45. I got back say around 9:30. Steve got home around ten, it is 5 til 11 a.m. right now. From Steve home til now: he got home, we chatted, and I asked if he wanted to go to breakfast...he had just left there, so I saw no reason to wait any longer and I was on my bike to the Paradox at ten after, maybe sooner. I got here and there was a bit of a wait, but I am inside now at the counter, with myself (like usual), and that is okay because I need to write anyway and with company, writing is a harder thing to accomplish. I plan to hit the library after this, then Laughing Horse books, Then, undecided. So, I guess in keeping with what I wanted too yesterday, I will scribe the breakfast ritual: vegan number five, two cups of coffee for $8.20. Amazingly I think that was my bill the other night too, and I will leave a similar tip. While we are on the subject of money, the talk that Steve and I engaged in was largely about him borrowing money. I gave him $20, and I'll give him more if he wants it. I really like to surround myself with people. I kind of think (for right now only) my life is the future of TV. Where a person will sit in a room and the action will happen on all sides of them, as if everything was real. Of course, my bubble is popped because this is somehow reality, this is actually happening and it is a conscious choice that I make to shut and cut myself off from it. Like, it wouldn’t be terribly hard for me to destroy the bubble from the inside and keep it from being mended. It is so nice in here, though. I don’t know why I put myself through this, as I sit here thinking about it there is a huge smile on my face, very vibrant and real yet somehow detached from the reality surrounding it and me, detached from life. I wrote a letter to Alexandria today, started it at the Paradox and finished it at the library. Photo-copied and sent today. Bam. After the library, I came home for awhile and hung out with Justin and Steve, Justin went to the library around three, Steve and I left around a quarter after...he to Natures, me to Laughing Horse for a reading from an author of a Mumia Abu-Jumal book. It was quite informative. I never knew that much about the case, but now I know alot, up to date on the case. I bought two patches and one sticker there. I got "one less car" in sticker and patch, and "dissent is not un-american" in patch. Steve showed up halfway through the reading and at the end he bought some stickers. Then we hung out for a bit and ended up going to the Haven. We talked, first time (really) in awhile, it was good. Then we went to the Paradox for dinner, I had the Asian Noodle Medley and some toast, it was good...I spent $13.50. After the meal, we talked more and it continued to be good talk, then we left for here, the Red and Black to see "the Elf Kings" and Elf really isn’t E.L.F., and they aren’t really all that good. The Adbusters magazine here is more entertaining.

Nov. 17 2002 (taped to this entry is a movie stub)

I was a different person this morning. In a sense, that is true, the experience of today made an impact on life and mine too. I woke up early, before everyone else again, ate the remaining half-bowl of granola and read the newspaper. Really, I just skimmed it, but I did it justice. Justice will be a word repeated later in this day. After Steve woke up, we dicked around for awhile, I sewed on a patch, the "dissent" patch. Right after I wrapped that up, we, Steve and I, left for breakfast. We went to the Paradox (surprise), and we got something other than a #5 breakfast, surprise! He got french toast and biscuits and gravy, I got 3 4 grain pancakes. As customary, we tried each others food and switched. I ate his french toast, he ate my pancakes. I paid by check, $21. After the meal we digested for a spell and were off to the march around noon. It wasn’t scheduled to begin until one and it showed. We arrived at or before 12:20, walked to a stop and stood. Steve’s friend Libby found us and there we stood until say one thirty. Then I wanted to move, vocalized that and we were off to circle the outskirts. Less than one full circle and I heard the "No War Drum Corps" and they are as good as they sound. Yeah, I hung around them most of the march. So, soon after they started beating, the march got under way, the three of us re-convened and were off. We definitely marched and there were a lot of us. Around the World Trade Center the cops arrested someone, there was a mini-riot and more to talk about later. We were around the arrest for awhile, and then kept on, and just up the street was a treat! It was the Critical Mass cheerleading squad leading anti-war cheers...they are very col. We were stopped for awhile and I lost the Drum Corps, but I could hear them in the distance, we kept on. Sometimes I have a desire to ditch those I am with and be alone. I had one of these desires and walked ahead to where the drum corps were and stood on my bucket and reflected in awe. Steve and Libby were like fifteen feet away, stationery and looking for me. I don’t always, sometimes I don’t ever, what other people do in relation to me. So, the drum corps started off again and we all left together. We marched back to Pioneer Square (where we started) and rallied there for a bit and we took a twist. There was a side demonstration announced about an impromptu solidarity march to try to get the arrested kid released. We went on that. And, halfway there we took over the street (this is "illegal") and marched to the Justice center. And we started chanting and went inside there were fifty to a hundred of us so it was formidable. Eventually enough people were scared out of there to where I couldn’t justify it to myself to stay and be a police plaything (with no solidarity). So I left too. And, a side note, the girl that works at the Red and Black (here) was also one of the last few to leave. Then we rallied on the sidewalk and eventually left. There was alot of risk involved and relatively nothing accomplished. We went back to Pioneer Square and many people had already left. We stayed for awhile, Libby left, and around 4 p.m. Steve and I left for the movie theatre. We went to see "Bowling for Columbine" and it was AMAZING. I want to buy it and then own it and have no medium with which to watch it Then we left there for where? The Paradox! We had a Paradox dinner where I spent another $21. Yeah, but they were both checks, so it isn’t like real money. Hah! Then Steve went home and I came here to write about my day. I am going to check my email and then go home to sleep to work to...

Nov. 18 2002

be in the rain. It started out as a very nice day, but this Pacific NW...tsk tsk. So, one of the things the movie yesterday prompted me to think was establishing residency in Canada. It is made out to be such a serene place. But, today, I thought that would be somewhat of a cop-out. I am here, in America, and it probably isn’t the best time to be here. I have beliefs and I want to sort of defend the American in me, help others, and hopefully call to an end the Bush regime of the American Empire. Moving to Canada would save myself, but it seems like it might also be boring. Probably not that extreme, but I think I have convinced myself to hold my ground here until my only option for survival is a relocation, and voluntary. With the Homeland Security act that is passing, that time may be soon than I think. And, eventually, I finished work today. Beforehand I went to Trader Joes and Limbo and bought various items for an unplanned meal. I also went to drop off the film for development. I got home and was alone, I listened to some music (Billy Bragg, TMG, Leonard Cohen), took a shower and settled on making soup (surprise!). It was really good soup, after I had it cooking, I went to pick up my photos and buy some bread. After I was done eating, I was just sort of milling about, listening to the music and the phone rang. It was Diane a call to confirm her plans for visit in January. It was a fun phone conversation and after that I left to come to the Red and Black. I was thinking today about how different my letters are from my diary. This journal is mostly commentary of events and those letters are pure un-directed (or semi-directed) thought, questions and answers, really beautiful stuff. I was talking about yesterday and the drum corps and the cheerleaders--I am going to use some space to put pictures of the two here, I may have said that I would and this would be following through:



I think that the simplest things are amazing. So many things are taken for granted and I am in awe and wonder towards them. Completely taken and entwined by their magnificence. Like an analog clock, the sun-dial, time. Brilliant things. Time (as a thought) existed before it was known, before it could be known. I wonder if time will be the only thing that will always exist. Or never exist, life could be a series of frames that have no time, just order. Like fate, fate supercedes time...so, if you believe in fate, you don’t really believe in time. I don’t know if I fully know that I am competent enough to comprehend and theorize what I think. That thought about time is not odd, it is just odd that it caught me with pen in hand. Usually those thoughts come and go too quickly for me to process or write them down for further review. And next time I look at them and think about them, it is an amazing thing, it is so inconsistent. Sometimes I can extrapolate like no tomorrow, sometimes I am surprised it is my hand writing.

Nov. 19 2002

I feel so compromised. And, I am realizing that I don’t hate my job, I feel outside of it, above it. I feel that my continuing it is going to make these feelings of compromise persist. The politics of the job, the driving, the driving, my politics, "one less car" sticker and patch. I am living two different lives and they contradict each other, one of them is a lie. And I know which one that is, its the one that ties me to society at large, it is that last root holding the tooth in, denying it from complete self-control. And, that root, also is a safety net. Letting go means not getting back. Roots are tough to mend, most usually they are re-grown. And me quitting this job (without a suitable safety net) is me letting go completely, and you fall a long way initially, then stabilization, then re-growth. It is a quite beautiful pattern to watch. Quite tough, however, to live. I feel that I have let go a few times. When I went to NY, I let go of everything I had ever known, the first step is the biggest and the hardest, then I re-rooted and have subsequently let go of those roots and proceeded in a cycle. The subsequent steps have been much easier, sometimes even effortless. This step, right now, is like the first step. There are so many common and linked elements and I am so unsure of the possibilities. Quitting now greatly increases the risk of falling and not getting up. It also increases the chances of me getting sucked in and stuck. When stuck, removal is like ripping. That is the experience from my most recent sojourn in Indiana. Waiting a month seems the best option, last night Catherine broke the silence of the house and gave us some kind of ultimatum. It seems she plans on moving out at the end of December. Now, we are all focused on moving out then...and not necessarily together. I eased Justin’s mind tonight by letting him know that if he and Steve wanted to move out, I would move out with them. In effect, thwarting my desire to live in a vegan household. And that is okay, I guess. It isn’t ideal, and life usually isn’t, but I always know that it can be and try to make it so. This time I'll have to take a chill out and think of, and to, the future. I am not disappointed or anything. I feel good about everything right now, Justin is a really good roommate, I just wish that he didn’t eat meat. I will learn to deal with it, I guess, and we will continue to happily co-exist. I spend a lot of time alone now, and at home. That means I get to listen to music alot more. Tonight, the stand out act was "Weezer", the album "Pinkerton". Amazing. Truly, I listened to it in awe and it makes me want to buy and own the two or three albums I don’t own. I probably wont be buying them anytime soon. Tonight, I am at the Red and Black. It is Joe Hill night (anniversary of his death), I could be at the Haven for a little open mic, but I am just not. I may be later. My original idea was to finish this book tonight, but I am not going to force anything.

Nov. 20 2002

What a day, joyful. Fun. It has been very good so far; I feel positive. Work was just fine, like it should be: in at 8, done at 2. And that is how I like it. After work there was absolutely nothing going on...it is 5 now, so it has only been three hours. About an hour into being home, I got an ass fire and started cleaning the living room. It needed it. And afterwards I move don to the porch, and then the kitchen. But it stalled there. The kitchen was too much for me, with the animal degradation (eggs...eggs...eggs, disgusting). So, instead of cleaning it I wrote a note asking people to clean up after themselves. It is a good note, not angry, not pointing fingers. And I got the mail which says that we haven’t ever paid our electric bill (although Steve and Justin and I gave Catherine money to pay it). I left a note that says it is "just silly". I am at the Paradox right now, and I just had a vegan lasagna (very good) and am finishing an organic beer, before I head to the Red and Black. Please, as if planning were my forte. I never went to the Red and Black, after much debate of going anywhere, I went to the library. One of the people at the Paradox (eating), also works at the library. I spent about an hour there, I finished a letter I wrote to Diane...an odd letter, all praise. It is going to feel weird letting that side go, opening a previously locked door, well this isn’t really quite opening...really just un-bolting one of the many locks. And, finishing it was photocopying it for records, and then I left the library...It was probably around seven. I had nowhere to go, I never really do. So, I started pedaling home. And I had convinced myself that it was time to go home. That, halfway there, turned out to be false, because I don’t really like to be there when people file in and read left notes. So, I rode by the Haven. It is on the way and I looked in the window to see if she was working...and she was/is. IT took some self-convincing, but I eventually came into here, now. And maybe I'll talk to her...

END OF SAID BOOK OF PAGES, MOVING ON TO A NEW BOOK, WITH SAME NAME

On the cover of this new book are a bunch of little word conglomerations and what not that I doodled while thinking, I am just going to put them all here, in no order: Yes; Today is forever; but now; become the future; lose the game and denounce the rules; begin whole; nonsense; feel; never again; remember, never means not ever...; accept the best, tomorrow is a number, 7; right now is right now; the future is behind us; slaughterhouse; me and common possibilities tick on; I am not am I; Exotic; Singularity WKSP 11/26/2000; imagine now and forever; without worry, love. love without worry; do what you’ve always wanted to; time is like never; not stopping now; we are now we are. And that all of them. Now to begin it and just go along with it...

DISCLAIMER: (1/25/03) If your name is in here and it says something about you, that was my thought then and there is no room for discussion. SO, DON’T BRING IT UP, just read and be happy.

We all have a counterpart, a complimentary being, a soul mate. Should all be so lucky to attain this union, they will know their True Complete Self. I am Aris Hedon, you will like my counterpart more than you like me. We both speak the Truth, but I speak the Brutal Truth, unadulterated honesty in an attempt for you to realize yourself in my eyes. Truth is the same, it is mathematical, it reduces to one: to The Singularity, The Soul, God; however you would like to word truth. In the attainment of Truth I think anything less than 100%-brutal-on-the-spot honesty is a compromise--and wrong. Compromising the Truth is parallel with accepting the False, the Wrong, the antecedent.

11/21/02

Part one of "Stations" will amount to a re-worked edition of "People" (titled simply "People" with a foreword that looks something like this "In 2000 I released an 84 page chapbook of poetry entitled "People w/ Papers (on trains to nowhere)" it was full of poetry about my life in NY and at the end, the transition to Olympia. I made about 50 copies, 47 are at large. I typed everything from a handbook that was my shadow and once typed I gave the shadow away. It is in NY, I haven’t seen it for years. Then I edited everything to form "People w/ Papers". Now, I have looked at it again and decided it could use another facelift. This is a re-worked copy of the release "People w/ Papers" that in no possible way reflect what the originals attempt to say, this is overproduced..." and it will go on. Then the poetry. Then part two "CST HQ" comprising yet unreleased poetry with a foreword that mentions everything reducing to one, to the beginning. And how I began in NY...it'll be wonderfully magnificent, now we just to get a computer for me to work it all up. Yeah, reworking all that stuff is going really well. They are starting to form into meaningful (if horrible warped from original idea) pieces of work. I took a long work day today, went to all of my jobs at the scheduled times. And one lady chatted with me about this impending war and we equated the Homeland Security Act equivalent (or potential to be equivalent) to Jewish persecution in the 30's+40's. She also told me that current Portland mayor Vera Katz was once and maybe still is on an FBI/CIA watchlist. I got home around 5. Took a shower, and then started to continue re-reading Siddhartha. I am nearly done with it, I read alot tonight. Catherine came home while I was in the shower and we neither acknowledged each other. She didn’t take well to yesterdays series of notes, she took the house one about the dishes way out of context and wrote over it "if you don’t like it, then leave" in large print. Then, in smaller print, at the bottom, she wrote something about the notes being wussy and we need to talk. I left while she was in the shower. It wasn’t conscious until the shower stopped. I didn’t want her to catch me in half-leave, way to suspicious. So I slipped out and headed to now, to the Paradox, for dinner. It was good, and unlike last night, I really am going to the Red and Black. Speaking of last night, I talked to girl at Haven, as planned. Not much of a conversation, but these things happen in steps. I went home and Justin talked my ear off, when he wants too, he just goes, just talking for hours about one thing...it is nice, to just here him talk and talk, he isn’t really looking for acknowledgement, he is just talking. And I can just listen. And Catherine bought pot for him, so he was high and talking. I think that I need to write down my problem with Catherine, elaborate in letter. Giving her a letter, however, is a cop-out. Perhaps I'll just write a letter and read it to her...photo-copying it first, of course. I have this very light feeling on my chest this evening. I am light and lofty and very easy/happy. It is wonderful. I don’t know what spawns it, but I sure do wish I could harness it...it probably has a lot to do with Siddhartha. I have written said letter and will use it as an outline to discuss things with Carfin. Before I get too far, I want to acknowledge the "singularity wksp" writing that starts this section of the book. I have read it a few times and have decided to disregard it. Hah! That stuff is mostly crazy talk. So, I was sitting here at the Red and Black reading "Zen" and basically falling asleep. So, I get up to go. I was going to go home, and I got on my bicycle and some guy asks me if I was tired (I had yawned), and I said yeah, and then he asked me if I worked and from that we talked for about an hour, standing outside. He knew me, it turns out, but I didn’t know how until halfway through when he asked me if I was going to read again. His name is Tom McGovern (I am pretty sure) and I met him at the Haven the first open mic I went to. We had a very productive discussion, about poetry, about girls, about Catherine, about work, about life. It was one of the best conversations I've had in awhile, and I did about half the talking. When I talk to Steve or Justin, they do most of the talking. He told me that I need to sacrifice myself more, I am going to be rejected alot and I need to begin that path of rejection and subsequent

11/22/02

At least a day later, I'll finish what I was saying last night. Basically )a day late equals paraphrase), Tom told me to get on with my life, do what I need to do and then keep moving. Accept rejection and learn from it, don’t dwell on anything for too long. That was that, and at first I reveled in it, I was totally in awe. Then Steve came by and I stopped writing, we talked. Steve does alot of talking, and I forget alot of what the says. He equates this with me not listening. I look at it as him talking so much for no reason (sometimes) it is hard to filter. Shortly after, we left for home. At home, we slept. I had to get up, like everyday, but for different reasons. I had a court thing, basically I go stand in line and tell a cashier I would like a trial. It is a reason to work half a day, and I think I am doing something for bike culture. When I awoke I went to get the newspaper and get dressed. I saw a note on my bucket, with my name on it and everything. Hell, I'll put the note in here: BRIAN Brian, I want to apologize for being so aggressive in response to your notes wed...I know your not particularly concerned about my welfare, but I'm in the middle of a rather rough patch emotionally (for which I am attempting to seek help at the moment)...an Wednesday I got sent home from work for having a breakdown...I came home in a total state of disarray to your notes...I overreacted & I am sorry...but at the same time I don’t feel like my reaction should be totally disvalidated...I know you don’t like me, & I can deal with that...but I really do feel like you choose to attack me at the slightest opportunity, & that is something I cant deal with...I really wish we could have at least been friends, but you obviously have no inclination towards amends, so in the meantime, I suggest that to the best of our abilities, if we don’t have anything good to say to each other, lets just keep quiet... yours --Cat-- P.S. IF YOU DO WHAT TO MAKE AMENDS I'M ALL FOR IT...IF NOT, I UNDERSTAND
Basically, (I have used that word too much) this letter is a plea. I read "I am scared of myself and taking it out on others. It feels good, please help me, if you don’t it is your fault." So, after last night where I had enough gumption built up to talk to her, this note drains my momentum. It will happen though, I must talk to her. So, anyway I got the note and read it, looked at her sleeping on the chair, she wakes up, looks at me, I look away, and then I leave. I get to the courts on time, stand in line and feel justified when I plead not guilty. Then, upon walking out I met eyes with a beautiful young woman. Everything Tom said flashed through my mind and unusually, I convinced myself to do something about it. Not much, but something. So, instead of going to talk to her in line I sat on a bench right outside the door. Funny looking just sitting there, I took out "Siddhartha" and began to read it. Of course I get sucked into the book and when she walks out of room I look up, our eyes meet, we even smile.

11/23/02

What a way to end it. Let me finish yesterday. So right after the smile a rush of thoughts go through my head, I was waiting for that moment, but my mind questions and answers convinced my body to stay and finish Siddhartha. After that, I got up to go and it was still quite early. So, I went to Powell’s to apply for an open position that Justin alerted me too. Did that, then called Steve on the celly telly (hah) and we planned to meet at the Paradox in half an hour. Made it there, ate, told him about the note, paid, he went to the library and I went home. At home I conversed with Justin for a half hour, called on a house I had rode by, and then went to work. Nothing exciting there. I went to Trader Joes and bought a few things, I have recently heard a rumour that Natures was bought out by Monsanto so I have been boycotting that place...but more on that when I get to today. So I got home and Catherine and Justin were there. I proceeded into some chips and guacamole. Didn’t really talk to Catherine, I don’t really know where that is going, but we did some conversing. Umm, I took a shower and did my laundry, around 7:30p I left for an art show: 2 Wheels Good, which went well, but it was an amazingly in crowd, I looked at the art, picked up some paperwork and left to the Red and Black for "ethno-eclectic music and dance" it was Indian music with a belly dancer. I sat outside, started writing this, had a beer and a half bowl of noodles. Justin came around nine and halted my writing process. Then Friday night began. I got another beer, Justin met some under-agers from West Linn. We were all outside talking, Justin was high, it was funny. So, the last two times I have been there I have talked to people. As we were leaving to continue the night at the Triple Nickel, Justin drove and I rode, I was gathering my things from the outside table that had been occupied by two of the workers at the cafe. So, I even talked to them. I was on a really positive not e and had a few beers, probably sounding rather asinine. So, I cut it short with the bike vs. car travel thing, bye. I think I beat Justin there, because I was playing song son the Jukebox before he walked in the door. We sat there and talked for awhile, I had three more beers. Justin met a stripper named Sindry with whom he exchanged numbers. I left around 1:30a and got home around 2a. Woke up Steve and he gave me shit for drinking, Nothing new there. He passes these judgments and tries to make out that he is better than me because I drink beer. Or, as the case this morning, because I don’t want to ride to the New Seasons in Sellwood to get a vegan donut. Yeah. I got up around ten this morning, read the paper, took a monster shit, and finished off the guacamole. Then I woke up Steve to see what he was doing today and he gave no conclusions. Then he wanted to go to New Seasons and I said "no" then he pushed it and since I wasn’t doing anything else I agreed to go. Right before we were to leave though, I gathered my bearings and said there is no reason for me to go. I had eaten and didn’t need to spend more money, there wasnt/isnt anything else that I would want to do in Sellwood, and it is far...to just go watch someone eat. He latched on to the far and gave me a world of shit about me not having drive or consistency. I said I just didn’t want to go. I also wanted to come somewhere to write as I am, or was, behind. I cant write with Steve over me. He just likes to talk so much. So, I took his shit, forgot about it, and rode up Mt. Tabor to write. It has nothing to do with not wanting to ride, it was totally fundamental and more about wanting to write. So this is up to now, it is probably like noon, and I want to touch on some things that I neglected to remember when their time came to be written. The first is from breakfast with Steve. When I was telling him about the letter I was also talking about lack of regret. My belief that everything I do is right for me. He equated this to me being fearless. Said things like I live without fear and I told him to rethink. I told him I was terrified to have this talk with Catherine, and he asked why, and I said because I may regret it. I think that no more explanation is required. Number two: Last night when we were talking to the stripper, Sindry, she said something about doing it for money. And it sounded like the way I looked at my job, and I had a really good thought or explanation about life relating to economy and the bottom line. It has escaped me again, maybe later. After I left Mt. Tabor, I went down (and it was incredibly cold going down the hill at such speeds), after being so cold I wanted to warm up and my stomach was acting up so I went to the Paradox and had a cup of coffee and a full order of biscuits and gravy. It was so very good. I stayed awhile and afterwards I had no plans but didn’t want to go home. I went to the library. I spent a lot of time there, read the new Time magazine and Rolling Stone. I put alot of holds on books and music, like five different cds and three books. So, in all my wisdom, after leaving the library I went to Fred Meyer and bought a little boombox for $30. I felt very justified shopping like that and riding it home. I got home and promptly listened to Lou Reeds "Set the Twilight Reeling" and right now, Sage Francis. And I was looking at some pictures that Houck framed for me in Indiana, and realized how I don’t need them. I am going to give them away as presents for my parents. I am going to take a picture of them, then send them away. One to my father and one to my mother. The most recent picture of me she has is me in 8th or 9th grade. Yeah, I was a freshman. And I think they'll both enjoy them. And, right now, I am really thinking about Tiffany and am going to call her one day. And, for sake of saying, yesterday was my brothers birthday and this is the only acknowledgement I offer.

11/24/02

Last night was unique, and produced me saying and thinking something that has been lurking for a long time. It has been culminating recently in my not caring about...well, I cant write that. Anyway (and I guess the previous reservation is an inkling to incomplete) I think that I am an elitist(circled)! Yeah, elitist. Meaning that I think I am better than most people, and the way I live my life allows me to not even feel the slightest regret. I think this could be the root to why I don’t talk to people too often, because I don’t get the satisfaction of a good conversation...more like time, wasted, that could’ve been spent figuring out myself. Like, the bar with Justin, that is me attempting to not be elitist, it takes mood/mind alterers to effect this momentary change (lapse of really, truly living). And, it isn’t really worth it. Steve and I work together in spectacular ways. So, last night, we went out for dinner to the Paradox, and we collaborated and pacted to attempt to lead a sustainable community with renewable energy. There was a thing in Time magazine about new inventions and an Australian solar tower stood out in that issue, to me at least.



are "wind-swept coniferous", they are supposed to look that way. So, we worked ourselves up talking about this and then went to the Red and Black to be elitist. There was a benefit show against an animal testing facility (HLS) and the headliner was "Riot Cop" with opener "GodHaven" and other. The crowd consisted mostly of chaos punks with leather jackets and belts promoting bands like the Sub-hum-ans, Resist, and the Casualties (and the Casualties have lyrics like "gave you love, gave you heart, all you gave me, broken heart"). We sat at the bar, and I will not pretend to know how Steve really feels, but I felt very elite. Because, at a benefit against animal oppression, we oppressed no animals. Whereas many people in the audience had animal degradation as fashion, and others as coffee whitener. I felt justified laughing at them, because I had been in that position before. The music was good punk rock, both bands. The crowd was too typical, many not really understanding who or what they are against, and in consequence, supporting those things that they speak against. And it isn’t me thinking that these are bad people, just not using their heads very well, blind followers, something less than me. And right there is another personal conflict, if a person is ignorant of something, is it my duty to enlighten that person? My mode says "no", it says that in me not completely knowing myself I have no reason or basis to tell things to others. So there is my personal stagnancy towards the world. I am stuck advancing only myself in the world of time, life. Should I be wrong about myself and give that to others as right that would compromise the truth. And a side note to all this, the loophole to me pushing things forward is this: ask questions! If someone were to pose a question to me I would answer it to the best of my ability, however, I wont say a word without proof of desire. And, like, tonight, Justin asked me why I gave him "that look", well, who knows what that look was or is, but I have heard it a few times before, and I don’t understand completely what the hell people are talking about. It could very well be me giving a condescending look. I just don’t know. So, today, (since I eventually have to get to it anyway) awake at 10a, leave for lunch at 12p. On the way I stopped to look at a house right across the street from the Paradox, it was $1500 a month, 3 bedroom, and really cool. And way out of my league. Then I ate at the Paradox, the first of two visits, and the first of one plate. I had vegan gyros with fries, and it was really good. Afterwards I went to the library and did follow up research on the solar tower and found more things out about it and sent an email to the company asking for assistance. I don’t have much hope invested in it. Then I just hung around a bit, got and Albert Einstein quotes book, and put more on hold. Also got a communism book and a pot book for Justin. Then I came home sat and listened to more music (this radio was a good buy!) and read Einstein. It occurs to me now to note that when I moved to Olympia one of my first purchases was a radio and it has been so long here. Anyway, that lasted until it was dark and then I went back to the Paradox and had vegan gyros again. Sat there for a long time drinking coffee, and Steve and his buddy Kyle showed up and ate while I read about Communism. Then we all left. Steve to the Daily Grind, Kyle to home, me to home. On the way, however, I saw Tom at the Haven, and after some debate and riding in circles before I decided to just go in and see how it worked. It worked very well. He was talking to the barista, Brooke, about alcoholism which is a point we hit on a lot last time so I just stood there and agreed. We sat down together, talking about life more, and relationships, bringing Brooke into it and everything. Very positive situation. And it occurred to me, when I move around, the people I meet and learn from are so much older, whereas Steve is very same-age group popular. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I learn so much...it is great. And, when we were leaving (since he was leaving and I went there to talk to him, I left with him) he said to me "you know, you are very funny, I like talking to you, you make me laugh." I liked that. Then I came home and just do normal stuff. Write, talk to Steve, play with my hair, etc. And tomorrow I will have court and breakfast again before a half day of work, and life looks wonderful from my vantage!