Humans Aren't the Only Species on Earth (Poem Journal from 2000-20??)
"To my beautiful friend Brian, Happy 20th Birthday I've only known you 2 years in this life, but our souls have roamed together for thousands of years & thousands to come…I wish for you all the best…Thanks for changing my life…
xo
eternal
love
Alexandria
With no direction, not without directions…
Afraid of myself, or afraid of what I'll never be…
Afraid of the future, the past makes me sad…
Wish to be forgiven, but can I forgive?
I could easily go on without them…
Forgive & forget…
No forgive, but never forget…
He wishes on stars & sleeps on clouds…
Is it love, or is it lust?
Is it fate, or is it destiny?
Asks questions without doubt, looks at others inside out…
Don't just learn what you're taught, teach yourself…
I might say hello & might not goodbye or maybe hello & and maybe goodbye…
I'm not indecisive, am I?
A '00"
--
The World Awaits You
Sitting on the bed, tired again. Thoughts in the head, weird. Having thoughts is not weird, but tonight's thoughts are. Change the world. That is the simple thought, running miles. Endless tracks—trains of thought—on this mind that is always and forever restricted. Where does the track end? (The right question is: where does the track begin?) The answers lie in the path. Path of the train on the track of the mind. The train is not long, the track is; the track is not twisted, the path is; the path is not owned, the train is. The train is the body, the track is life, the path is up to the beholder of life and body. The mind, it is free—but it is restricted. It is free within the previously set boundaries of the world, by men that could not foresee the future. This future requires unrestricted freedom of the mind, unrestricted freedom is gained from change. Changing systems set-up in a past-life. Lives where this path, that guides minds today, was acceptable. Accepting of a system to ensure a reputable future. This trampled path is respectable reputation in a past-life. Past is past, future is new path. Past men were mindful only of their present, their future. Theirs is past. This is the present, the future that doesn't include them. The path to this future was paved by their present, and they are past. Minds of the present look at the future bleakly. The future is not past. Change the path to the future in this present to ensure freedom of the mind. Life changes paths. Life is unending and ever-changing, life cannot be paved. Past men attempted to pave the path to the future. Past men are gone. Past men see not the need for new paths. Past men see nothing of the present, let alone the future. Present people yearning for freedom must first free the path of pavement. Path paved past. Freedom frees future. Mind is on the path to change, the path with no pavement. Mind seeks freedom, mind seeks future, future seeks free mind. Path to freedom in the future must be left unpaved. Present path paved changes with time. Future path will change with time. Present proves past is not future. Present paved path, present restrictions, not seeked by future minds—present proves past is opposite future. Future must be unpaved, pavement is restrictive. Future seeks freedom. Freedom from paved path of past. Change the present to free the future from chains of pavement. Change the pavement to free the minds of the present, to free the future. Freedom from past is present path of change. Freedom from present is the future path of change. Paths unpaved. Paving present paths to link the past to the future in the present, is restriction. Present seeks not restriction, present seeks freedom, freedom from pavement. Present day oppressors agree with paved path of past. Oppressors agree with restriction. Restriction is oppression. Oppressors restrict the mind. Mind seeks freedom from oppression. Mind seeks freedom from restriction. Oppressors oppress freedom. Oppressors oppress the mind. Oppressors are without mind, without freedom. Oppressors follow the path paved by past. The past of restriction and oppression. Oppressors agree with path of past, it paves their past to power. Oppressors embrace power. Power neglects freedom. Power of restriction towards the people is the path the oppressors possess. Possession is oppressive power, against the minds of the people. Against the mind of freedom. Mind is against power; power is against freedom; freedom is against restriction; restriction is against mind. The mind motivates the body against oppression. Oppression targets the mind. Oppressors target the body. Oppressors promise the body power, power is against freedom. The mind is on the unpaved path of freedom. The body is the train. The body travels on the path. The train travels on the track. The oppressors travel on the pavement. The body, by will of the mind, protests the pavement. The will of the mind is freedom. The will of the pavement is oppression. The power of the mind is pacification of the body. The power of oppressors is war. The promise of pacification is freedom. The promise of war is power. Oppression is power. The mind is on the path to powerlessness, the path of freedom. Oppression is on the path of power, the path of destruction. The path to change is in the head, thoughts are on the mind. The oppressors are laying on the bed. The world awaits you.
Recorder Journal
Tape 1, penned: 9/6/2000
Recorded between: 8/24 – 9/4/2000
Roll: Today’s society is out of whack. When people can bike, they don't—they drive.
Poem: 1984
Please don't burn my books
I know you want too
Watch the smoke trickle
Into nothingness
And wish it were me
Smoke can only blind my eyes
It cannot shut my mouth
While fear may restrict my mouth
It cannot blind my eyes
Death may end my body
It cannot discontinue my soul
Love will make my eyes see
Make my mouth speak
It will overjoy my soul
Everything will be good
Everyone will be happy
Lets tap that bell, lets sing that song, lets use that hammer
Poem:
Pinecone and pebble
Rocks in your path
Flowers bar the way
Cars cannot pass
This round Earth
Going 25 mph (at all times)
This round Earth
With its crescent moon
Trees
With its nature and love
Roll: Sunrise and Sunset party at Somerset hill, a gathering of friends (known and not) to see beauty and hatred, love and ugliness all day. We will applaud the changing of the guard. We will know that greatness occurs every time that sun rises. Realize the sun bore us and we can only make nose to acknowledge its wonder. We will watch the fullness, halfness, crescentness, all of the 'nesses of the moon; because, it is necessary to know the correlation of the light and the dark, the sun and the moon. We will teach all, all of the factions of life and that all must be respected, because one day the light/dark balance will break. We will be lost because we took this phenomenon for granted. A slightly forced laughter will escape my mouth when life ends, because I realized its grandness while so many others took it for granted.
Poem: Beautiful Nights
Black clouds and
The cold night air
Alluring
Astounding
Enticing me to join their nothingness
Everywhere and nowhere at once
They are beautiful
And they bring danger (what if it rains?)
They are everywhere
Poem:
Animals rustling in the trees
No, wait
Maybe they are people
Definitely something happening in the forest
Either side engulfing me
Little me
Forest land
Sucking me
Fucking me
Forest land
Fuck a fuck me
Fuck yeah
Forest fuck me
Suck me fuck me
Forest fuck-a fuck-a
Yeah
Forest fuck me suck me
Forest fuckers
Fucking and sucking me dry
Roll: Overactive accomplishments glands in my body. Tiffany lit a fire in my burning soul. Why in the devils forest-green hell did I masturbate? Testing belief bounds. Riding in rain. Took picture of Thurston County/Washington State courthouse. Catches looming rain clouds and red in the sky and then boom—courthouse. It catches the Pacific Northwest atmosphere. I lost my train of thought at the flip of the micro cassette.
Poem: Be green
Stop driving cars
Start riding bikes
Cars are not green
Cars turn green to brown
Roll: People can be autonomous beings. They have their own thoughts. They must work to make their thoughts progressive. I believe in nature, no circumstance can change the beauty of nature. Destroying trees is violent. This is the world, we are fleas, war occurs when the world scratches its back. Nature is on my side, breaks the rain while I ride the bike, because they know I am fighting for them.
Poem: Zion
A nation of clouds
Broken up, apart
Sections defying
Sharp twisting line
Stars are above the clouds
Stars rule the clouds
Clouds rule man
Man supposes he rules earth
Man knows not of the stars
Man knows not of the clouds
In essence
Man knows not of the earth
A good ruler knows
When to give
When to take
Man takes not equally from the earth what he gives
Take take take
Want want want
Oil oil oil
Petroleum, potassium, plutonium
Give it to me
Just fences and roads, property
MINE, NOT YOURS
STAY AWAY
Poem: Trees
They saw you the other day
Tearing down one of their brothers
On of their sisters mothers fathers lovers
How do you think it made them feel
Do you think trees have feelings
Do you have feelings
Obviously not
Roll: One day this poem will be in the history books, the day when all the trees are gone, everyone will be required to learn this. The day when water no longer exists, only Gatorade and Coca-cola. And the lot of mindless masses trying to do good, but only knowing what is good for them. Man is not part of the ground, man is supposed to move and grow and be magnificent, the down fall of life is civilization. I must first make me okay with me before I can make everyone okay with how I feel.
Poem: New Clothes
"Clothes make the man"
they say
clothes make the man
clothes are not needed
Poem: Very Happy Kid
Happy camper
Happy going
Good lucky
Happy go lucky
Go lucky get happy
Happy and lucky
Happy
To be where I am
Lucky
To be where I am
Lucky that I am happy to be where I am
Happy that I am lucky
Happy that I have friends
Lucky that I have friends
Luck and Happiness
It is all the same
Happiness derives from luck in this life
Some people believe in fate
I do not deny it
TAPE CUT OFF
Tape 2 penned: 9/25/2000
Tape 2 recorded: 9/9 - 9/21/2000
Poem:
Walkin'
Thinkin'
Living'
Doin'
Wantin'
Wonderin'
Wishing (on stars)
Of that girl
She overpopulated my senses
Hope I can overcome mental challenges she presents to my being
She beautiful
Killer
Raper
Murderer
NAVAL EXPERT
Anti
My
The-o-rie (that’s theory)
She is against my theory
Oneness in life
Roll: She'll get what is coming, her GOD, whoever that may be, will justly rule her. Or something like that. Whatever that supreme being wills in her mind manifests in her being. I cant do that. I have no supreme being to manifest my will. My supreme being is my mind. It manifests my body. My body carries out actions of my mind. That is really simple. Why must we complicate it with supreme beings and spirituality?
Poem:
Nothingness and everything: overwhelming
Steps on the concrete
Yellow tractors picking up the concrete
Cars on the pavement (why?)
To get to life
The mind is life
The mind is in your head
You are alive wherever you are
--
Alternate Realities (or the proof of existence)
I have been here before
This Star
Moon
Bench
In a parallel reality
We danced under
This Moon
Cloud
Tree
In a previous year
I write on
This Bench
Tree
Eve
In the "here and now"
We wished on
That Star
Eve
Life
In an alternate reality
They Defaced the moon
Destroyed the bench
Seeded the cloud
Cut down the tree
Lighted the eve
And Took the life
They shot their waste at the stars
In an effort to prove our existence, they've rooted our reality
These roots cannot
Dig to china
Question the master
Or Set and Autonomous path
These roots can only realize the reality on which they were planted
Our submissive genes are pooling together in an alternate reality to uproot existence
Watch out!
--
Tell Me
Tell me, do you know beauty
Like a long hand
Leaching to another
Hand drenched in awe
Of love
Tell me, do you see beauty
Like a fluttering finger
Touching another
Finger laced in time
Of love
Tell me, do you feel beauty
Like a sorry soul
Molding to another
Soul floating in forever
Of love
Tell me, can you see?
--
Sunday Afternoon
Quiet eyes revolting pleasure
Stream of consciousness
Interrupted
Dream world induces pleasure
Revolted
--
When your Brother is lovey and the dog whines
There was always a time
When I could
Laugh
Cry
Just be me
Where I
Wasn't afraid
Didn't mess up
Knew what was happening
Those times have past
Jaded? No.
Realized? Yes.
Now there is no time
I can do
Whatever
Whenever
Wherever
I don't let false perceptions rule my mind
Only feelings
--
@ the Steer (with Mary Diane and Christine) 5-24-01 1:50 am
So it goes…
(read The Fall by Carnus)
Christine Rodriguez
--
I think you can tell a lot from a person by the amount of stars they see. Look sometime, see how many you can. Ask someone else to look and find out how many they can see. It isn't a matter of how many stars are actually there, it is about perception. And you can really see how a person perceives the world (life) in the stars. Really.
--
Hopeless Wonder
Hanging out a window three stories up, one can hear
Stories about all the fun things others do in their lives
Hanging on a shoestring, debating whether or not one should go down there and join, or jump right out,
clinging
to a string that cant hold ones weight and screaming all the way down, disrupting the happiness in the
stratosphere
and being remembered with hate, cuz ones fate fucked up your date
maybe one should see where one lands
I'll just wonder
--
I never really cared for baseball, but watching it tonight on TV, knowing it was taking place two blocks from my roost was exhilarating; better than being there. Why? Because in the 7th inning a Cub hit a grand slam and I saw it on TV then stuck my head out the window and heard the crowd. I felt something I hadn't in awhile, desire. And that desire is reflecting right now and tomorrow I will build upon that desire and attain. It is kind of like watching a porn flick then having sex, it is the best of all worlds; I can watch and I can feel and I can remain absorbed in myself.
--
Meaningless
Hopeless wonder
A trocity
Trappe din a world of misunderstanding
And always wondering
Always wishing to wander
Deeds done prior no longer reflect present
And future is uncertain
Everything else is meaningless
--
I'm Not the Only One
Life trickles by
Faster than time can track
And I'm not the only one
To See this
Feel this
Realize this
Because you realize me
Life constantly moves forward
Sometimes quicker than I want
And I'm not the only one
To See this
Feel this
Realize this
Because you feel me
Life is always changing
Getting more beautiful every moment
And I'm not the only one
To See this
Feel this
Realize this
Because you see me
Life is amazing
Appeasing everything in four letters
And I'm not the only one
To See this
Feel this
Realize this
Because you love me
--
Continuance
Wishes granted an hour of life
A moment in the spectrum of forever
There is really just one wish
Continuance
--
In the Air
Turbulent twists and twirls
Swirling in and out
Of crevices and cracks
To get out
To see light
And don't forget
When you are raping the earth
And poisoning the water
And polluting the air
That's your soul,
Fighting to bask
In the air
--
Blind
LAZY BASTARD
(are you so blind to see?)
YOU ONLY THINK ABOUT YOURSELF, FUCK YOU
(its not me)
ALL YOU DO IS BITCH
(you're yelling at yourself)
--
The World is the Word
The word is oppression
Congested thought is mental repression
And unconscious thought is greatness slipping away
The word is nature
Strumming away the time
Sounding as beautiful as now, while exhaling
The word is future
Constantly Feeling
Moving
Misunderstood
The word is not adequate, an improper vehicle for thought
But used, and making it work
The word is realization
Never forget the unseen
One day everyone will have eyes, and realize the world
The world is the word
--
Soulmate
Recounting wondrosity
Lives moving in unison
Emotion and knowledge
Sensing the same
Vibe
Riding the same
Wave
Because no HWY
Is longer than our love
Because no hill
Is steeper than our friendship
And no mileage can ever keep us apart
--
Thinking of You
Memories fading past
Like an ice cube
Melting in the sun
Until it vaporizes
Postcards from a life that couldn't last
Always stamped with your name
A lock of hair
And a picture of an angel
And we all know it was you
Times floated by
We never find the time
We never write
We never say hi
But I wrote this because I still think of you
Wishing I could've stopped the tears
Wondering what’s become of you
--
Ballad of Bisbee
Nights unknown
And days of brightness
I wish to experience it all
So now
But never again…
And Santa Barbara first
--
Unknown Misfortune
Fortune tellers gaze
Listless and searching
Feeling through eons of thought
And patterns, searching still
Seeing endless encounters
And not knowing, wanting
To see the moment
Interlocking, two satellites
Side by side
And searching
Signals bouncing off and redirecting
Beaming to the termination
The end, and feeling
Empty
Sometimes when you watch football, only figure skating is seen
--
Relentless Denial
Mockery made of one being
one being
essence
mockery made of essence
essence being the inside of all
that is, essence being singular
and now its laughable
peering through the dream of philosophy
for a reason to live
eyes clouded with soap from years of repression suddenly sparkle
with a gleam like the smile of a child
clean eyes/focus essence
the mind connected to the eye
uses the mouth, connected to the body
to send the message of hope
to bury the lies of essence
and make it known again
the eyes that connect with essence pursue another dream, relentless
seek lies and false visuals
using lack of knowledge as a grounds for denial
those two eyes pierced with essence and traveling
spreading the ideas of one
those eyes that know essence look up every time the truth is denied
that fight is relentless
but denial can only last so long
--
Difference
I caught the fading
Sun drips and dips below the clouds
If you look close enough and hard enough you can see pain
Sometime seven feel it
Connect and communicate with and ancient Egyptian God
Grown and ignored
Fading
Into the depths of death and create a mockery out of forget
Laughing with each dying gasp
And a lack of notice
Scorn
Hatred
Misunderstanding
Dying gods see lack of respect as a perfect reason to end their watchful eye and willingly destroy
themselves to prove a point
I don't think that is wrong
--
I was thinking the other day of how beautiful life could be. Fucking amazing. I sit in this chair and arouse my senses. And the arousal tool isn't what is important, importance lies in the feeling evoked by the tool. Importance lies in happiness. And I think the more things in life that make you happy, then the closer your soul comes to the ultimate happiness, nirvana, one with the singularity. And just now I was thinking about Dante and heaven and hell. Here is the idea illicited from the thought: Dante's book was of reincarnation and the bible believes. See, the levels of hell (Earth) and the path to purgatory (heaven) are kind of the same. My theory is in soulmates. A person, a soul, has a certain amount of mates it must meet and grow from in order to attain purgation. And you continue reincarnating until you have met them all and once you have, then your soul locks with the singularity and becomes one with nirvana. And Dante had the idea, and attempted to convey it. He did well, I think.
--
Swirling madness
An attempted shell
Tearing
Crying out, the world, the world
Leveling
Settling on one
The madness
Never-ending
A pierced haystack
Pitchforked, holed
Left in a field
Forced shell of swirling
Madness
--
An Ending
to look from the start
the get-go
and break from momentum,
to see
that which closes
that which ends
to see the end
at the beginning
is to see greatness
before slipping away
--
Black
an aura
surrounding a moment
a veil of forever
wrapped in a color
--
Red
a loving vessel
processing emotion
one two, one two
her him, him her
an eye
focused on features
homegrown and processed
emotion taking point
and self falling behind
her him him him
he wore red
but she caught my eye
loving
a homegrown vessel
--
Tuesday Today 2002
molding years of our life
taking in the numbers
rolling out the popular majority
or at least the popular majority of the previously elected officials and not necessarily representing anything valid
today is Tuesday
get out and vote
get out and cast your one last hope
the dying days are on their way
we can choose feudal lords to point us towards battle
because they all blindly believe their Texan god (or the taxcuts he promises)
--
Jesus is God
rise up my father
my creator
my bastard
rise up and die for me
crucify again
so to worship
my father
my son
my holy ghost
Jesus is God
Jesus fucked
worship HIM, and death, and sex
the father has passed
left his only son
a fucker
for us to worship
and see
but there is no son
no father, no
stop father
Jesus is my God now
and worship his sex
his man
his death
worship bigotry, hatred, fascism
worship the father, the son, the holy ghost
--
Shocking
tabloid telling truth
and the dock is dry
looking across a room
half--lock gaze--eye
catch the oneness
and we're together
not now, no , not ever
the dock is soaking
time to fly
--
Reading, Pennsylvania
as if, there isn’t even a trolley car
a train, pounding through
my mind
and thoughts
rest on you,
in Reading
Pennsylvania is never
on my mind
but you,
stammering through
the blindness of this rain
traveling on the train,
to Reading,
back to you.
--
lost sighs and memory
hearing their longness of being
and thinking
through the life of that exhaled breath
death
each intake and expel
faster and faster
a one-way ticket to hell
running, these thoughts
in the second it takes to sigh,
a mind runs wild with disgust
and vanishes
another disturbed
and flattened
another lost sigh
the memory.
--
Now Being, Being Here
alone on a frail, thin pine needle
looking down from the tree
the ground, the ground
so far away from me
once looked down, I know what’s there
perfect reason to live in fear
coil back on a thin, frail needle
and try to look ahead
look forward, future; not down, death
backing further, seeing more expansive sky
looking down, less, I already know what’s there
once backed as far as can be, the depth doesn’t comfort me
still looking down, once every so often
mapping out to make my fall soft and
simultaneously, consciously, thinking of how to deny inevitability
eventually : realization
not marked for death, but life!
focusing on now, focusing on here
inching forward
my tiny self, fearless, going to the edge
heading for feeling, for meaning, for truth of life
heading straight for being
here, now
I look, look over and see
all this grandiosity of the world below me
and I convince myself that freedom and exploration are worth the risks
then my pine needle breaks away
and hesitation has kept me stuck to it.
--
Black Olives
you spent all your day
at the store and chopping vegetables
wanted to make a dinner we could all enjoy
when I got home from work
you were boiling the pasta
and the sauce you were so proud of was almost done
I took a shower
while you added the last few touches I was getting dressed
and the three of us sat for dinner
hearty pasta and homemade red sauce
you'd done a good job
and searching for praise
you asked how it was
and I said "It was really good, but I don’t really like black olives"
you stirred around
and went back to the stove
got the jar that previously housed the olives from the trash
and picked each one from the remaining sauce
I told you "you don’t have to do that, it is fine how it is"
and you continued
and I turned away
when you finished you asked if I would like it now
and I wont speak to you anymore because you took the olives out that day
that lasted for months
the olives I consumed ate away at me with my silence
and you didn’t understand
live life for you and leave the olives in the sauce
make it for you
and I will enjoy it
and I will talk to you
and I will love you
and maybe, one day
maybe I'll learn to love black olives too
--
Weather of Words
riding fast
down a hill
racing to catch life
black ink pellets
pelting your inner peace
permeating and invading your designated space
coming down fast, darkening your path
explanations, apologies, forgotten wishes
rain of words slickening
two wheels and pumping out of this nightmare of phrases
attempting separation from present and past
pedaling and pushing blindingly fast
eyes focused forward neglecting this truth
because the end is somewhere and it is for you
plummeting backwards, too dark to see
and slipping, falling
laying on the grass
forgotten past
creeping up and around, better learn to laugh.
--
one word
ever moving
gliding toward that heaven of light
slowing at caution signs, for karma
only stopping
at unity
--
Alexandria (adapted from 11/16/02 letter)
raging river
running through it
getting wet
life.
Imagination is a great thing
being outside of yourself is better
living without boundaries is best
Imagine yourself in a room full of people and you are working the room, you are everything, and this room
everything outside still exists and imagine you are everything
outside is everything else, inside is you and your life, everything you are in a room
You are everything
open your doors and let your everything mix and grow with life
opening those doors lets so much in and so much out, you are creating yourself
Now remember everything and destroy the walls to your room, destroy your self and become life
let your life be an open forest or field; what comes, goes
after initial destruction the memories make life brighter
after the rain, the sunshine, the rainbow, beauty
Take in your surroundings and find in them POSITIVE!
feel good about life
go full throttle, AHEAD!
Living is a drug, let it be an upper, lifting you to happiness
pop that pill of life every morning, jump start into action
and improve with every movement of muscle
--
Shadow, Mirror (extrapolation of poem)
shadow of seasons mirroring everything
the fall
changing of the guard
from what once was to what now is
looking in this mirror
a reflection of everything
seeing yourself and the world behind you
taking it in, internalizing reflection
see the life being left behind, the shadow
see the image standing before you, the mirror
complications, material, baggage
turned away from
plates, plastic cups, pillowcases left behind
shadow, mirror taken with
nothing outside of happiness is cherished
this shadow, this mirror
this person, this personality
this knowledge, this naivety
this happiness, washing over me
shadow, mirror
--
the trickling the tumbling
outside a plate glass window
safe from the weather of rain
four walls of shelter
constructed from slave sweat and longing to provide for an impoverished family
safe from the cars that speed by with no care of puddles or pedestrians
locked inside their modern day gas chambers
gassing the masses and yelling
"NO BLOOD FOR OIL"
not understanding the irony that the Detroit, Japan auto construction of environmental destruction is the reason, the will of the war they oppose
locked inside, shut out of the world
nature is some far away never-never land that they must pay an admission to experience but they never find the time...
gas is too expensive
Luckily I am safely locked away in these four walls
with a front door opening to the pain of life
I can choose to stay inside, only conscious of the destruction from sound once removed from the real world of suffering
rising to the occasion
I have a political protest to ride my bike too in the rain, carry a sign that says "No Blood For Oil" and mean it
what else can we accomplish?
--
pumping a thread of unbroken devotion
pursuing glory like no other
pushing together the blood of union
like a me-to-you with meaning
yesterdays lie is what we make up for today
and I mean it
as if I'd never done anything wrong