Tomorrow is a Dream
The front of this journal reads: Tomorrow is a dream; Derail systems designed to program you, paint your own picture of life; Anarchy and other essays; Paaep: Peoples Association for Anarchy Equality and Peace.
(Like anything else, just roll with it, this journal was adapted from the PAAEP notebook so that’s what we'll begin with (started in NY '99)...rock.)
Peoples Association for Anarchy Equality and Peace
Anarchy
a. Definition--simple/complex
--means no government; government defines as chaos (because it means their jobs)
--we do not need them, we do not have to pay them
b. Government is Corrupted
--big business owns government and America
--big business owns economy
1. Presidency bought by big business
--lack of candidates
--endorsements for favors and such
--candidates that refuse to be bought have no chance of winning
c. Certain granted freedoms now denied
--run through Constitution and amendments
--cite examples for freedoms oppressed
1. Freedom of Religion--Waco and others
2. Freedom of Press--censorship and other laws passed to denounce this; Internet; school
3. Freedom of speech--
4. Right to free assembly--Abbie Hoffmans, DNC 68, Yippies; others
Anarchy is the simplest form of anti-establishment. To be considered anarchist, you do not have to bear that title in your name. Government assigns power by adding onto your name; President _____, Sec. of State _____, Congressman _____, etc. With anarchy, you can be yourself--it is simplicity of self.
Anarchy means no government. Anarchy has been misconstrued to mean a variety of things ranging from chaos to totalitarianism. Anarchy in its simplest form is a grant to every being of freedom. It grants free-form, allowing an individual to be themselves, in the past individuality was common--it has diminished with the rise of rules attempting to categorize society into classes. This categorization has benefited from fear propaganda, practically forcing to public to believe that any change not instituted by the government will be detrimental to their personal happiness. A society ruled by fear is not free, it is fascist. Think of Nazi Germany, most of the soldiers did not believe in Hitler's particular beliefs, but they were afraid to oppose it because if you denounced your role in the master race, you were no better than those condemned to die. The same basic things are happening today in America, you just die differently. Nazi's killed your person, Americans destroy your economy. If you are openly against American politics, the chance of you joining the rich and pseudo-happy are very minimal, you will then be forced into slave labor. The correlation between Nazi Germany and America is a matter of changing a few principles; and we are currently making those moves in the political society.
The rise of Anarchy is in conjunction with evolutionary forces. Evolution--the word--is commonly reserved for physicalities; it is not widely used to measure mental and social growth. Anarchy is evolutionary because it encompasses a massive mental rise, it requires human beings to actually think about their actions, however miniscule they may be. Currently humans use 8-15% percent of their mental capabilities, imagine if we just rose to where the bottom was, 15%. It seems like a tiny jump, but those that use that 15% are people that understand what they do and why they do it. When this rise occurs, it will become evident to people that a ruling class is not necessary for freedom and peace, they will understand that ruling classes actually attempt to strip these basic rights from the people. In effect, the ruling class will be dissolved and Anarchy, Equality and Peace will take their place.
Ayn Rand introduced us to a deeper world of capitalism. She introduced the theory that an economy can function independently of the government. This is a major issue with anarchist sympathizers; if the government were to fall, what would happen to the economy? Right now, the economy would fall too. Today's "free" economy, or capitalism, is overshadowed with government laws that actually restrict a free economy. *Cite actual laws.* Government intervention takes away from economic freedom, our free economy is a farce. Our economy is only free to the extent of the law. That is a contradiction, our political and economic views are currently ruled by contradiction.
A free society is what it is, no individual or party would control the world/nation/state/city. The simplest way to describe control in a free society would be to say "the people rule". Whatever becomes of society would be the direct manifestation of the people. A sense of responsibility would be cast on each individual to resolve any issues they have in a peaceful manner, in an effort to sustain a functioning laissez-faire society.
Because Impulse Buying is the New American Pastime
You are at the store checking out, as the cashier rings up your purchases you grab the eyeglass repair kit "as seen on TV" for ninety-nine cents. In analysis--a connection is made in your mind with the product in front of you and something you saw on TV, your mind recalls the awe you help when you saw the commercial and now your mind tells you that it could actually be useful to have on your person so you bought in it. As soon as you get in the car you tighten the screws on your glasses, then you toss it in your glove compartment--just in case. During the next few months you use it once or twice and your friend uses it once too; every time it is used your mind reinforces what a good buy you made. Towards the end of the fourth month it breaks, but it is no big deal, not only was it cheap but it is also replaceable. You throw it away, never think twice about that purchase you made so long ago. Your life didn’t actually better from that purchase, and now you use a kitchen knife to tighten your glasses.
The Presidency of the United States has become the same thing. You are at the poll booth, there are knobs and levers and buttons, what do you push--pull--touch. Your mind becomes a frenzy, In the same time it took you to buy the eyeglass repair kit you must decide who you want to rule and represent you. The frenz Your frenzied mind recalls televised debates, magazine articles, newspaper columns, billboards, signs in your neighbours front yard, etc. It becomes more of a question that asks: who looks and sounds better, rather that who is better (because the only real difference between the candidates is the animal they represent). It is a political fact that televised debates greatly influence a voters choice decision (Nixon vs. Kennedy in 1960: Television viewers deemed Kennedy the "winner" of the debate, radio LISTENERS deemed Nixon victorious)--, JUST BECAUSE OF HOW THEY LOOK. Since that debate, candidates have spent extra time primping themselves for televised spectacles, time that could actually be spent caring about the way this nation is headed. Besides, you wouldn’t have bought that eyeglass repair kit if it were in a plastic bag; because it is packaged in a clear tube, it is worth it. So, as capitalism and production become more and more dependant on superficial exteriors, we can only expect our "free-nation representatives" to follow the trend. Heavy advertising against one another, in place of advertising their stance and plan to save our country (because most don’t have a plan), is the norm and we can only assume it will worsen.
And why do we celebrate independence?
The 4th of July, the American independence day, has recently passed. I wonder, what kind of independence do we have, and what imbecile would celebrate false independence? American independence is based in our killing more English than could be sent by England, we took our "independence" over a monetary issue too. Americans didn’t want to pay their taxes (taxation without representation) so they decided to undo English rule altogether. At the turn of the millennium, we are in the same boat, except we have some representation--if you do not pay, a representative will be in contact with you. That's life. Perhaps, we aren’t as independent as we would like to believe; in all actuality, we could be in more chains that our counterparts.
Order of Operations
Where I am coming from: taking the mathematical theory, applying it to life in general...then disproving it by putting forth the theory of "perception defines reality". Perception defines reality theory: however you want to see things, you will. Why? Layered Reality Theory.
Extrapolations--started 10/22/02
In mathematics, in school, we were taught the "ORDER OF OPERATIONS"...oooh, scary. I remember first learning about it in middle school, I might have actually learned it earlier, but I don’t remember that far back too well. I remember having a hard time grasping the idea. The teacher would tell us that the way a problem is laid out is not always the way to solve it. Meaning, that to get it right a person couldn’t just start from "A" and go to "B" and be done. They added more letters and called it Algebra, but that is entirely different. I was told that to get it right I had to first look at it and do all the multiplication and division (in order) and then do all the adding and subtracting (in order). So, the equation: 8+7x3-8+24(divided by)3 would not equal 20.3 (repeating), it would equal 29. It was an enigma, at first, I though "why not do it in order, seems to still come out, and who says that I am wrong." The teachers said I was wrong and I went on to fail and/or do miserably in every math class since that one. And I am not sure when I actually got it, if I was still in High School or in NY, but it doesn’t matter, it was way past the correction stage. An epiphany about the order of operations occurred one day, to me. I was listing things that needed to be done and I put them out as they came to my head, in random order. And, after I wrote the list, it didn’t make sense to "go shopping" then "do laundry", but the other way around because the laundry could work while I was away. And thus I understood the order of operations. If this example had been given to me as a student, or when it mattered, I might have done better in math. I got kind of interested in math after that realization, because in school kids ask "how is this going to help in everyday life?" well, that is how the "O.O.O." helps. I wanted to take other theories that seemed to have no life relevance and give them relevance in my life. As far as I know, instead of doing what I set out to do, I created new theories. And these play off of the "O.O.O." theory, they are: Perception Defines Reality theory, and Layered Reality Theory. The basic of "PDR" is that how a certain person sees and processes the world is also how their reality will be shaped. This theory, when completely spelled out, makes the case that everyone is completely sane. Similarly, the Layered Reality Theory ("LRT") further defines "PDR". It does this by saying that each person lives and thinks in their own reality and all of the realities combine to make what we know as life. Basically LRT is a new twist on the tree falling in the forest question: "Does it make a sound if no one is there to hear it?" LRT doesn’t ask, it tells us that without all of the different realities, without all of the layers, there would be no reality. It answers the question with a no and explains thusly: if no one is there to catch the sound vibrations, then no, there is no sound. But, one was not defined. "One", in this case means any living creature that can process sound vibrations. As LRT will say, when there is nothing, there is no reality.
2/11/03 (continued from Trials and Updates Part II)
First off, as I've been expressing in other places, disregard that which comes first...this or these writings started in NY with the inception of PAAEP, and travel to Portland, the last being in Oct. of last year. The bulk of this stuff was written in Olympia before I had anything. I was living with my thoughts alone and it was quite beautiful. I spent the first two weeks getting to know some things and typing, no numbered writing accomplished. I'll be happy at the finish of this, because this book is way past its due. The title is "Tomorrow is a Dream" and it is quite fitting. The future is not known and any supposition is like a dream. And tomorrow, my God, tomorrow is the time of life, especially for me and it is all amazing. I just lit up completely, at Stumptown they play, right now, Tallahassee by TMG...I'll have to just listen. And I sat there, stared into the distance and listened, I think that some of the people that work there are freaked out by me, how I just sit there (sometimes write) but mostly just sit there. So as soon as the record sang its last tune, I picked up and left for the library. I did some stuff, printed some "room for rent" signs that will be posted one at each Stumptown, then I set course for home. Justin was there, cleaning. I posed some questions to him, then he took a shower while I ate. After eating, I searched around for something to aid me in selling help necklaces. I found a piece of drywall in the garage and proceeded to cut it to help my cause. That done I gathered everything up and put the bike together. The towel, the drywall, the bucket, all the necklai and I looked at it. Then I called Organics to You and cancelled my order. I felt good about everything. So I spoke with Justin a bit more and finally (around 1:3p) pushed off for Reed College. I mazed my way down, stopping at the bank to get $20 in singles...for change. I was on 39th and rode that to Steele, and that is where I wiped out; as always, there was a bystander and I made the customary yell of "I'm alright, I do this all the time". Then I got up and rode down the hill there and once away stopped to fix my bike. The chain had fallen off. Nothing new, that was quickly fixed and then I moved on. Just a little bit of blood drawn. hah. Reed was right there and I turned in. I went for the library area where I am now. I set up my little stand and I have about fifteen necklai and a few bracelei out on display. No one has stopped yet, but it is February. Colleges are such odd places I am still (right now) uneasy putting myself in these spots. But, every minute I get more and more used to them. There is so much humour here, so many people fighting against the veil that people attempt to pull over them, and losing. That is my perception. I'd still like to one day immerse myself in this stuff, but it looks more and more doubtful as the minutes turn. So far I have talked to maybe four people, none of which bought any necklai. That's disheartening...Sarah (or "Velcro") said that Reed may not be the best place for pawning my wares, as many people here don’t have any money--she tells me. This all seems like it'd be easier if I weren’t living here, like if I were on the road...these would sell because they had to. For now, I am going to pack up, I am really not feeling this currently. I rode around for a bit, desperately attempting to convince myself to stay, but it didn’t work. Nothing could convince me that I belonged there and I didn’t need to be there, so I left. This adventure did give me the necessary criticism, however. There are a few more things I need to construct, or otherwise attain. One approach is similar to what I did today, flat stand, but three distinct sections of product...with little tents that have prices on them. The hardest thing to find will be the flat board, because it has to be easily manipulated and transported. The second idea is the more feasible. It includes some kind of backdrop, like a towel, that I can safety pin each necklace to, separately. And also, with this I'd construct price tags for the pins (that aren’t removed) and after selling the necklace, I'd replace it on the pin with a similarly priced item. The principle drawback for this would be display, as it'd have to be hung...I guess its not that big a deal. So, deflated, I moved diligently towards home. On the way, Trader Joes was called to me and I answered with $5. That money was supposed to be for change. I got home and it was around four in the afternoon. Justin was there doing his thing, whatever that may be. I sat in my room and kind of just waited for Justin to leave...I read a bit of Les Mis, but I'll probably not finish it. Also, the guitar graced my hands. Everything was sad and reflected dejection. The defeat of Reed weighed heavily on my mind, it shouldn’t have, but it was a test of the future that yielded less than acceptable results. How sucky. Hah. But that was all worked through and it no longer represents a smudge in my mindset, everything has become okay. Human interaction is so foreign and varied...the only thing that kept that experience from being completely horrible was that interaction. Human to human, the smiles shot from one mouth across a lawn to another and the returned glance is all so unpredictable. There is definitely an unwritten law of social interaction and reaction that is worthy of some sort of adequate definition. The interaction that occurred today was all a bunch of hulla-balloo. Nothing was real, it was all fake, it was actually kind of disgusting. Icky. It would be like to say that it is next to impossible to sustain decent interactions with people. It is society that makes it so, through television and movies and mass market music the public is forced into this void which was previously described as "anti-life". This is what is typically known as a sane person. This person that dwells here they make nothing for themselves, utterly dependant on media or other forms of superiority to put on them that which should be done. Best interests; popular, respectable majority. If Brad Pitt of Jen Aniston is not your look alike/personality front, then kil kiss it all goodbye...there is nothing for you. That, I think, is the overall mentality of life, or "anti-life". Eventually the words that put everything together will find me and this will become plain, that day is readily anticipated. It, however, isn’t all that easy to put into words the functions and structure
2/12
I was interrupted last night in my discourse of social interaction and I'll continue with that later. Currently I am immersed in court and it is quite hilarious. I am mostly likely going to lose again today; and I am really not concerned about that. Judges use words like "confidence" when speaking of how one can feel with his rulings...If I wont stand to honour him, b why would I be blindly confident in his action...most likely against me? The court system really leans against the leftist thinkers, and that is at it should be. The courts are moving to stay their authority, biased for themselves--they are the "right". We who move to challenge these systems of authority automatically have a weight against us, this is exemplified in the fact that the citing officer is allowed to speak his case first. We are constantly swimming upstream against the system, consistently being beaten down into submission. All assumptions correct. Just before my trial another cyclist went up and defended a "failure to use the bike lane" case. He lost, that was a sign of my impending failure. I explained to the judge how I compensated for the polices lack of safety. The argument droned on about how if that intersection hadn't been corked the motorists would have attempted to mow the cyclists, in that regard I was compensation for the lack of upholding public safety...something like that. The fine was cut to $39, of course that money will not be seen. I feel positive about the way I represented myself, the cyclist from the previous case hung around to hear my defense. His name is Dylan and we talked a bit before parting. I have been promoting CM on the 15th, at noon, at the No. Park Blocks. Because of those promotions, I am also going to suggest to the list serv and to Indy Media. I rode down to the waterfront after court, to sell necklai there...it was barren, not a single pedestrian on the promenade. After that failure I came up here to PSU by the Smith Memorial Center. This desire to sell these necklai and interact as a merchant tears away at my insides. Sometimes I feel as if I cannot do it, like now. My justification is the insistence of perfection...I want that perfect spot, for display. There is a career day here tomorrow so for today I am going to search out perfection and tomorrow I will sell all my goods. God. So, I am riding up Division, toward Stumptown. There is no bike lane, and as per law, I was riding in the middle of the lane and this SUV pulls up to my side going pacing me. He says, "get in the fucking bike lane" and then speeds ahead of me. That stuff is funny to me, but he turned, so I chased him down. He had stopped to talk to me and again he said "you should stay in the bike lane where you belong" my response was something like "there is no bike lane on Division, and when there is no bike lane a bicycle can occupy the entire lane" he says "Oh, really?, well I don’t think so" so I finished "Fuck you, and support the war" he had already began pulling away. I felt justified in my choice of words and actions which accompanied them. And shortly after I made it to here and I was all sweaty and smelly (still am) due to the intense riding and the shining sun glaring its rays onto me. Let me work through last night to now on events and occurrences and when that has been completed I'll try to pick back up on the social interaction thread. Favor. That is was her name, she ordered her drink and I saw her beam at the open seat that was part of my table near the window...it is a nice seat. Before she inquired of its occupancy, however, she walked to the back and then to the front as if to show effort at finding a different seat. When she sat down I could tell all she wanted to accomplish was disrupting my train of thought. As soon as I gave her the slightest resemblance of a chance, she took it. Here is what became: She is a twenty year old warehouse worker. She has her own home--rental, it goes for around $400 a month...which she feels is good. Her kitchen walls are bright green; the cabinets, white. The windows reach to the floor and the appliances are antique. She has a kitten and a rabbit. The kitten bites and scratches...she likes the bunny more. She has been dating Mahew Matthew for 4 1/2 mo's, she is satisfied with the relationship. She smokes Marlboro Medium cigarettes and cannot seem to loosen the vices grips. As far as hard drugs go she is through with that kind of stuff, we didn’t get into exacts, but she doesn’t consume alcohol. She drives a car. She was in NYC for a week and spent $1000. She liked it there. She has been to Mexico and Ontario. And as far as that my memory goes lax, there are a few other facts rattling around that I cannot seem to iron out, so forget about them. At no point in the conversation can I admit to wanting to participate in it. When I caught a decent break I seized it. Got the go and left. I was going to go home and watch a movie...but that was pushed to the wayside. I had better things to engage in...like developing my necklai sales center. And I accomplished as much. I have them all tagged with prices and I've hung them on a bondage tie, so at each end there is a clip for easier hanging and displaying. I was and am quite proud of the construction. Everything fits nicely into my bucket as it is so, well, everything continues to be positive. My price tags are pieces of a plastic venetian blind that was collecting dust in our garage. I put a hole in the pieces I cut off and tied those onto safety pins with scrap hemp from the bracelet project. I thought that was very intense re-using scrap from scrap that had previously been re-used. And that project effectively took up my night. Now, an attempt to extrapolate on social interaction. Look back on all the things I noted about a girl that I had met last night by chance. Most of what she divulged was retained...but for what purpose? It doesn’t add up to make sense. The interchanges that we engaged in, her history, my history, our beliefs, why was that stuff put forth. My original thought pattern on this subject was that most people will initiate a conversation with an intended end of sexual interaction. Both sexes, just out for sex, or moreso just out to examine members of society that they are physically attracted to with the intention of finding a partner. This, however, didn’t seem to be her intention. I have yet to discern and categorize what she was trying for. I believe that, at least, is apparent...that in engaging a stranger in conversation (sub consciously or consciously) the engagor is on a mission to attain something. Perhaps this girl, Favor, had some desirous intentions to attain something that, she from my demeanor, she assumed I had. What that entirely means, I am unsure, but the point is that I feel people want something from me and it tends to bother me. It is more the discourse that is engaged in, the long courses people take to sugarcoat that they are just out for something. If it is my intention to get something from a person, I take advantage of my opportunity to relay my intentions. Say what you want to say. No codes or beating around bushes. That tends to be my overall feeling. Things, simpler, would also be much easier. And that also is what I go for, simple, easy, real. Life. No bullshit, there is no reason for it. Meaningless chatter is just that and it totally escapes me. Jesus.
2/13
My night went on to include that letter to Carol...and I should probably do some mention of how that came about. Back when I talked with Amanda Morrison, she wanted to me to so badly meet her friend Carol, because we'd be great together. I discovered upon this past because I have been moving all the Xanga journals from xanga.com/arisanokist to angelfire.com/rant/arishedon. And this brought me to the time in my life where we were regulars. And this gave me the email address of Carol and to her was sent an email requesting her address, hammering the point that we neither know each other. If we would get along as well as Amanda expected, she'll take the invitation and run with it. On one of our correspondences, Amanda forced the issue of meeting Carol...I said it would happen, in due time, as I didn’t want to rush anything. And how's this for due time? And I've been continuing my project for displaying these necklai adequately. Today I found a plastic tube that I cut into two pieces and then screwed some screws and washers into it, all to support the bondage strap of work. Being all found material, it makes me proud of what I can accomplish. Obviously, more work will be required, but something is working out as it stands currently. My plan was to go to PSU today and set something up...man it is so damn hard for me to do so. There is career day and that'll probably bring bunches of people into the fray. My selling potential is quite positive. But, the sun isn’t shining, the system is untested, and there is a possibility of running into folks that I know...or worse yet, that know me. And that may sound odd, but I really don’t feel like getting into anything with anyone, it is a large turn-off for me. It probably shouldn’t be, like there isn’t really any reason for it to be that way. It just is, it is how I feel about it. In Indiana there were certain things that I needed to get over yet I couldn’t fathom doing that there...I had to come here for that. This is kind of the same. I want to learn about these social interaction things on my own out in the wild blue, on the road, putting myself out that way, learning that way will be much more beneficial...I think. And here, here I will continue skirting around the issue making tiny advances and dealing with it, like everything else, it'll take time and devotion...right now I'm not ready for that. It is amazing to me when the thought process of "do what you do" comes across my mind. It, this may go in directions that are hard to comprehend, but allow. It is apparent to me, after review, that many people do not know what they do...for sure. Is what’s being done now what I do? Or is it something I am being programmed to do...just from posing this question to myself and having thoughts such as this I believe that my current direction is mostly independent from programming. When Justin tells me that the things I do, I may be doing them simply because of their non-reflection of standard. I am happy that my actions are noted as different, regardless of how it is meant. Tangent, anyway. There is a deep social program that tells people what is right and wrong, cool and uncool, what should and shouldn’t be done, etc. Cannot we, as rational beings, discern this for ourselves...or must it be handed to us because well, we really don’t understand anyway. hah. I was riding my bicycle and had some really positive thoughts on this, but that was all wiped away when a motorist politely asked me to move out of the road and allow for her to pass. The Based on principle, I didn’t. And after that, my thought train was derailed and I could only put together bits and pieces of it. So, it stemmed from talking to Justin. He is like a project that I am working in a very unfamiliar way. He is changing at a rate that blows him away...from talking too and dealing with Steve and I his ways and means...mindset even, is changing. It is more me than Steve, as Steve has a more confrontational relationship with him whereas I meet him halfway and we both grow. It isn’t like his traits are inherently negative or bad, just bland, he is a program quite similar to society. It is disturbing overall...but the one on one talks we have are pretty good. It isn’t like he is the only one learning, I am picking up things too. If anything, Justin is an amazing conversationalist in every way that I am not, I take what I can. And it is enough to keep me into it. Today he said "fuck it, cancel the lease, I'll just see what comes...aint no thang." And that was amazing. He is talking of jumping Portland altogether and taking on California, I gave him as much encouragement as I could. And I think that it helped him, I hope he does what he wants too, which is go to San Diego. He even talked about selling his TV and his car. Wow. That’s positive steps for the future. So, today I cancelled the lease and more things are becoming finalized. It is a grand feeling, these wheels turning over each other, spelling out: MOTION. And energy. Life. Love. Vision. It is all beautiful when seen with clean eyes...eyes that have that glaze of society wiped away and are crystal...I know those eyes when I see them. Likewise I think they are attracted to mine and they are mentioned. Life in motion is a beautiful energy. And the fuel, the secret, (get ready) is LIVING. It is kind of like perpetual motion. Outside energy is required to begin that motion, but after initiation it fuels itself and is wonderful. Sometimes thoughts are too much for words. And I recognize that, I'll not attempt to to transcend these things that make me sit and smile I will not demonize them through the bastard that is written word...I'll just remain in my bliss. Devotion. Right now I really believe that is what life is about. Devoting ones self to another person, to a cause, to a faith, whatever. And because of that many of my actions or lack thereof stem from the degrees of devotion I hold. When I come to the coffee shop and Sarah is working, she'll usually say something like "what’s up Brian", I cant believe she is very devoted to talking to me (especially over the counter) so instead of saying something that seems usual I just say "hi" and move on down the line. If a conversation were desired, I am in the building. And I’ll devote time to anyone. But counter conversation, fake, does not interest me simply because it has no sense of devotion. Arbitrary things don’t interest me, I respond to real, real questions, real feelings, real life, get into it. If I am going to do or be a part of anything I need to have a reason for devotion or else it is like nothing, and I cannot stress that enough. I do not know the words to put this properly, and that frustrates me a bit. To sum it up however, a large part of life is based within the realms of devotion and if a person disregards or fails to recognize that, I have nothing to offer them. Just a quick note on my thoughts of birth order and an analogy: First is always the winner, because they have won the race. Third is always the best because they've beaten the rest. Second is always the forgotten, sandwiched between fame and greatness. However, with fame also comes destruction. With greatness comes hatred. The sandwich of these two is really most desirable, just forgotten enough to have plenty of time for real thought and personal truth and just good enough to wield those thoughts in an effective manner. The second strays from hang-ups with popularity and therefore does not have the burden of society. And if a person can wade through the darkness and truly see how wonderful second place is, well, they could be like me! Hah.
2/14
Last night I explained to Steve my resistance of meaningless conversation and my adherence and to devotion. It was a beneficial talk. Also, I told him about that last bit I wrote. About birth order, he is a first born, he is famous, I wrote that before conversing it to him. Last night was beneficial. My state of preparedness is moving toward glowing. I am ready and have no fears of the road. This is a good mindset to have so early too, I think. My plan set for the day is to go and attempt to collect unemployment and food stamps. Then try to sell necklai to businesses for cheaper, but in bulk hopefully one of these endeavors proves beneficial. I am thinking about it and it is six weeks. That is the time I have here...that is a long time, honestly. Especially when I have nothing to do, if I continue buying coffee the way I am, there is $84 gone right there. And if I can live off of $5 a day, that would leave $166 for food over that time...Steve owes me $200, so if I get that and nothing else, I can run out my days here and not need to make anymore money. Wait, scratch that. Bills, those bastards. It'll probably be around $100 in bills over that time...we'll see. Well, the point of survival is sharp...that’s taken care of. Fuck it. Whoever said that the universe revolves around herself, that person was completely right. Science is a bastard. Proving that we are really miniscule nothings in the universe really only works to take away that everything is within ourselves. Happiness (which must be on the moon...or, or Saturn, yeah, that’s where it is....until we get there and that comes false) is right inside of us and all we must do is recognize that once the burden of possession and responsibilities to "stuff" is lifted from our chests, we will see happiness inside of us and we will then be happy in our lives. It is so simple that it is overlooked. No more. My big project before or directly after pushing off is mailing off a round of letters that each have the same message and a personal message. This piece of paper flapping here is a first draft of that all encompassing letter. (The letter reads: Life is a beast that will completely destroy a person, unless we take efforts to befriend and become life. I see too many beings wading through life completely blind, believing what they are told and convincing themselves that they are achieving what they want. And, outwardly, trying to convince others that they are happy with how they are living. Well, I am going to step out of those myths. Most of my life I have been unhappy. The reasons I've pegged is are want, desire, societal truths, lies that were forced upon me at a young age that have taken me my entire life to unravel, understand and unload. No one is at fault for this, I am sure many people come to this point and turn back, because of fear. And I have come to understand that unhappiness which plagues my life for so long...I was living for everything but myself. Even when my mindset was completely focused on self satisfaction my life still belonged to possessions, my desires, things I'd convinced myself I needed to be happy. It is clear now that those things were my fears and hesitations actualized. Just Stuff, things, meaningless; these are the roots that hold me in unhappiness, they convince myself that happiness is somewhere outside of me that I must continue desiring and striving for.) The basic point I am attempting to transcend is that inside society governed by material and material gain there isn’t happiness that is universal and sustainable. Money might make everyone happy, but it also makes a person greedy tense and cautious...and it isn’t very sustainable. Cross that criteria with anything that is objectified--even people. Happiness is found in (ready) the fullness of emptiness. Once you are fully emptied of possession you lose all baggage and the masks of unhappiness... It cannot be forced--it must be done willingly. Currently, I am laboring over possessions, attempting to weed out that which is unnecessary. The bare truth of the matter is that all of it is unnecessary. I want to make it as clear as possible that certain possessions, thoughts, even people that have previously been a prop in my faux happiness are no longer required, actually almost unwanted. In the best terms I can muster, I will make this apparent and although it may at first sting, ultimately it will be a defining moment. Intended recipients that of the letter are: my father (including my brother and his family), my mother (including my sister and her family), Mary, Diane, Alexandria, Frances, the house at 1823 (including Matt BeeJay and Alex), Tiffany and Rob. That is who I can think of off the top of my head, and each will get a personal letter explaining deeper into the relationships that we had and personal futures. The only person that I'll keep and open thread with is Rob...as I want him to keep all of my diaries. My email address will also change, further removing me from contact. Perhaps I should work double time in these remaining weeks to type all the hulla balloo journals and send my father next to nothing...and certainly nothing I'd except to see or desire to re-acquire. Last night I re-inserted my labret for a reason that is beyond me. I've removed it again and have hopes that it will better heal this time--I am removing all jewelry for that from my possession. Today I stretched my right ear lobe to a 2-gauge and (maybe 4-gauge I am not entirely sire right now) inserted Steve’s old jewelry. Oh, and the application for food stamps went really well...I should begin receiving benefits on the 26th. Application for unemployment takes place elsewhere and I may not bother with the hassle that'll it'll be. The boon of food stamps should be quite enough for sustainment. In my head I have great conversations with people, explaining explicitly my beliefs and intentions. I would really like to write conversations like Plato. Sigh. Hah...
-What’s up man?
--What do you mean by that?
-What do you mean, what do I mean?
--Well, I sleep on a Hide-A-Bed, when is g in the same room as another man; when I get out of bed in the morning, I close this bed and it wakes him. He asks me: what’s up man? And I don’t understand him. There is nothing "up", as I just woke up. I failed to understand completely what he was saying, so I asked him one night; he came home and said "what’s up man?" I asked him what he means by that...using the same question to greet me in the morning and at night...I explained my confusion. He relating that his saying it in the morning was him actually stating "Hi, welcome to your day". So I respond to the initial "what’s up" with a nod of acknowledgement. His other "what’s up" is him asking me how my day was. We sorted all that out, and I want to know if your question falls within these parameters or if you are really asking something entirely unique.
And that is my weak attempt at writing a dialogue. I put myself in a closet and shut the door. I am completely alone, without, and I am very satisfied and happy. Justin doesn’t understand why I would do that, what can be attained and b wha how it is beneficial. I can...I do.
2/15
In every sense but literal, today is a bright day. The rain has returned and it is bastardizing the day. Today is an international day of action against the war. For celebration/action/defiance, we ride our bikes in a makeshift CM demonstration. The rain and the fact that it is impromptu gives me the impression that the turnout will be low, but the spirits will be high. And that is all that matters. And this action is probably the most recognized as anti-war. The nation of America is driving to war right now principally because Iraq holds enough oil reserves to fuel this gluttonous nation for a century. In disagreement, we do what we do every day, just that we concentrate our efforts for heightened awareness. Thirty people moving together, relying on no oil war or oil reserve to move them from point A to point B. Bicycle city, it is political, personal, spiritual; all kinds of -als, it is better, even in this rain. Amanda Morrison would say "your shoes don’t match your face too well..." and that would make me laugh. I completely miss the point of shoes that are decidedly feminine, stiletto with fronts that come to a point. They look like elf shoes, they move me to laugh, however in-appropriate that may be. But I don’t laugh, I don’t say or do anything. And, there is some kind of reason...whether good or bad. My reasoning is that any step I take into social interaction is one step closer to attachment than I want to be...a crude drawing:
mostly...the middle, the break will be principles that can be shared and I don’t have any examples right now, but I am working on it. I think that I may require some kind of professional help (for multiple reasons) especially for furthering this idea as a picture...first I need to fill in the blanks, the steps. Relinquish, the steps to enlightenment will be composed of things so accepted in society that need to be forgotten, have complete loss of value...but not necessarily appreciation. It will be things that control and conform you. Like family, biological. Family must lose value, forgotten about, but not un-appreciated. As a forming agent they are high on the list, thus harder to relinquish. If I look at it the way I have been progressing, family is one of the last things for me personally to recognize as ties and anchors to society. Relinquishing family come sin as one of the last and hardest things to leave and get the sixth place on that diagram. The seventh place is relinquishing ones own life, it isn’t exactly literal death, it is societal death. But, it may feel like the same thing. No longer will you connect with society, you will be dead to it. For yourself, the most beautiful thoughts and true feelings will arise, and no one in society will understand you. You will be marginalized, people will be afraid of you and shun you. You probably wont even want to try with these sentient beings (these robots to society) anymore and go live in the forest or find other means to eradicate yourself from a consistent relationship with society. YOU WILL BASICALLY BE DEAD. And because of that, you will also be free. The first step to enlightenment is just realizing that you are controlled, oppressed, that you are merely a machine, a tool for society to manipulate..."uh, we are going to need you to work another three hours tonight" and if you don’t? Just a machine to those that embrace society. And just by realizing that society is a prison, you open up the desire to be free. Acting on your desire will further propel you to the heights of enlightenment. After understanding comes devotion. If you, as a person, are not devoted to enlightenment and the aspect of freedom, you will still harbor a longing for society and any gains will be forced and not beneficial. After devotion it becomes apparent that you are fighting, alas struggling against society as oppressor, in turn, it will be realized that to remove oppression from yourself, it is larger than just disliking the mechanics of society. If you wish to stop oppression of you, you must stop your oppression of EVERYTHING ELSE. Including the environment, animals, other people. This is where many people get caught up, an argument is that if they cannot eat an animal, then how are they free? Well, they aren’t...and they can. G.W. says that if we change the way we live then the terrorists have won. Okay, so change for yourself, FORCE DOES NOT BRING ABOUT CHANGE...only a different kind of oppression. Besides, if I oppress another, then I am no better than those forces that would oppress me...that isn’t devotion, it is actually just wanting the power that THEY (the illuminable they...) hold. Relinquish Material Possession. Attachments, material possessions, are like rewards of society...and each one is cursed. The curse says that you will be un-happy if you no longer retain this item. This convolted and manipulated plastic is the embodiment of fear and control, desire, lust, love, hatred. Would you not hate the person that took away the possessions you worked (within society) so hard to attain? Of course you would...and that is why you receive these awards...or certificates redeemable for them. Do you envy the person that has what you desire? These negatives lead to unhappiness and as a way to thwart that unhappiness we possess things that "make us happy." It is a societal tool, because without any possession a person still has themselves and can be happy for that. No, possession is the root of evil and any grip we hold on them is a grip to society, let loose your hand and move closer to freedom.
2/16
International Day of Action yesterday. 500,000 in NY, 1.5 million in London, 300-500 in Portland OR. At least two of these people were Steve and I, and this is how most of it unfolded. Upon arriving at the No. Park Blocks around noon, I was met with about ten people. Ten, 10, protesting the war at noon in a city of 550,000 on an International Day of Action...against a war that this country has fathered. It was pathetic and in my own way I let that be known to the few gathered...but it was growing. I was there to be apart of the CM movement. In some ways, I was an organizer of that ride. That ride also didn’t happen. Goes so far to show my leadership abilities. Hah. I told some people about the past masses and other things that are talked about in political circles. When the corporate media showed up to interview people around me, I took off. Just out of their grasp. I have no intentions of being a part of anyone’s news story...and especially not corporate. Steve pulled up, visibly distressed...his thoughts were heavy, and we further separated ourselves...to where I had asked CM to meet and we talked about things parallel with what I wrote about yesterday. Two other cyclists arrived strictly for Mass, but nothing came together, when the march pushed off, we trailed the ride and I began corking streets for the marchers. There were cops...bicycle and foot cops, there was no action by the police to aid the march...nor were they attempting to stop it. As I'd recommended in my "Radical Marches and Tactics" post at Indymedia, the people were taking care of themselves and the police were stepping off...waiting, patiently, for something to get out of hand. The people marched around downtown, the wrong way down one-way streets, the police were with them, the bikes were with them...even some of the cars were with them. People eventually rallied at Pioneer Square...but not for long. A short rally and the people were off, we were all more attuned to what was happening and making the most of it. My corking efforts doubled, Steve and I lost each other for awhile, we met back up as the march was taking over the Burnside Bridge...the police were not happy with the sojourn to the East Side, or the length of this march. At one point we had all but one lane of the bridge, and I mean both sides. We turned on SE Grand or MLK (whichever one would be the wrong way) and headed toward the Hawthorne Bridge. I had been recognized by quite a few protesters, and even a couple police officers for my corking and it was all favorable. The officers started getting unfriendly on the way over the bridge (Burnside) pushing people and otherwise forcing protesters out of the on-coming lane...which is understandable. It got hairier on SE Grand, the traffic and protesters were very mixed, the bike cops laxed their efforts and took the sidewalk, they were planning a head at Hawthorne to force the march over the bridge and back downtown. There were A LOT of cops at that intersection, the Steve and I were at the front and some people were breaking away. I rode up and corked an on-ramp to the bridge and slowly the people filed up, it had an aura of defeat and since I had already been recognized, I started chanting (which is rather unlike me) in quite a loud voice "what do we want?" and they respond "peace," then I "when do we want it?" and they "now." I did this to diffuse any situation that may have arrived from the deaf tension...there was nothing else and I wanted to keep everyone’s priorities straight, enliven the crowd and have some fun. Steve switched off with me. It was kind of like CM, only we were leading and most of the people were walking. Things were calm back over the bridge, after the show of police people began to re-realize what they were doing. I was corking every intersection for the march up Main street, and here is an admirable after shot. My last appearance in court was contestation of a ticket issued by bicycle cop Anthony Merrill...he was quite present yesterday. At each intersection up Main I was corking he was on the sidewalk. I would ride up, look at him, nod, and take the lane. Fuck the police. He gave me the nod and went to the next one where I'd soon show up. The ticket he issued me was for corking, today my defense in court was that I was doing his job of protecting people from the menacing motor vehicles. I lost in court, but got through to him, at least three times I corked where he was watching and we acknowledged each other. There were no tickets issued to me today yesterday. At the intersection of Main and Broadway, I positioned my bike in such a way as to stop any oncoming traffic from moving protesters. Soon, Steve joined me. When half the march had passed, three people sat down in between Steve and I. in This was two girls and one guy, and after most had gone through they remained. This was civil disobedience...I was just helping people from the danger of cars. After a few cycles of the traffic light, I went up the street where the rest of the march had rallied...someone was speaking and I rode up to him, asked him to stop and told everyone that "some other protesters are involved in civil disobedience down the street, maybe we shouldn’t rally" and everyone went back. During the next hour Steve and I ran re-con on our bikes and made reports. Like, he would do a circle a block away to see if any police mobilization force was amassing, I would ride down Broadway and Main and listed to the police radios. Steve heard they were coming to arrest everyone, I relayed that to the group. I can be pretty loud. The cops Eventually the police moved up Main and surrounded everyone. Effectively they were moving the crowd away from the now 4 people sitting in the road, that accomplished, they forced the people up and arrested them. I went to where they were being searched and cuffed and led a one man chant of "peaceful protest, peaceful protesters" I messed up a lot, but it was very human and I think it said more to the officers and those being arrested that no one came to help me. Fuck the bullshit. I guess I am the only person with an agenda. I am for people, not institutions. So the people got arrested and then the riot cops with pepper spray began to advance...fucking scare tactics. The stood down and all but a few police left. And by few I mean like three. The protesters continued to block the intersection, letting cars through only after talking with them at length. After a half-hour of that the riot and bike cops showed their faces again at the end of main street and advanced only after one of the three police officers unleashed his pepper spray and took out his frustration on the protesters. I don’t know how many were hit, but that really didn’t destroy the resolve of the protesters. They remained. After another while Steve and I set course for home. We stopped at Peoples on the way and got home to eat food. I don’t know how much was accomplished today in Portland, the corporate media (as I'm told) did a no-good job on accurate coverage and Indy Media has yet to furnish a complete and accurate rundown of the actions of yesterday. Steve asked me if I wanted him to come with me to the coffee shop. No. The reason I go out to write is to be alone. yet That is firstmost. My writing at home is nearly the same as writing done elsewhere. Secondly, the dynamic nature of the places I go brew a nice blend of happening to keep my thoughts fresh and in motion. I was thinking about where I keep myself and realized that I definitely didn’t keep myself in any certain state. And I decided to take my Indiana Drivers License number 1670-22-1612 and destroy it, I have a passport and that will be employed as my identification, at least most until 2012 when that one expires. So now I do not define or confine myself with any statehood. Now I am merely Brian Bailitz, United States Citizen. Free to roam about the world. I am slowly yet surely cutting any ties I have with past institutions that have been allowed to control me. And that is very positive...moreso because I am understanding why I am doing these things before I do them, like some of my tattoos. These things I think about and those that give their "advice" against certain actions is weighed heavily in my decision. My dad says I should pay my taxes (or file for them, at least), and he voices as much because he also didn’t file for so long and it caught up to him--getting back into society, he has had to pay quite a bit of dollars to clear his name with the IRS. So, I weigh in his advice, but do my own thing. And that’s the same with newer developments in my life, like relinquishing my ties to possession and family and this new move to destroy my ID card. I do not need to be defined by any state and, moreover, do not need a drivers license! Hah. This kind of all leads to what was really on my mind, impulse.
2/17
Talk about tying everything together...impulsive social interaction. After I wrote the word "impulse", I looked up and then flipped back to read something I'd read written about impulse buying so long ago. I started reading and looked up once again to be caught by a prowling intellectual. A man seated behind me said quickly "are you caught up in your reading, or do you want to talk" and, of course, I didn’t understand. I said as much, he just asked again if I had wanted to talk and I motioned for him to re-locate to my table and it began. Luke is from Starbuck, MN. It is a small town, and this is the first time he moved away from there. He is twenty-three years old. He is "scared shitless". To him, it is noble to kill and eat animals if you kill them, prepare them, and cook them yourself...also if you use all of the animal. He likes to drive and didn’t get his license until he was 21. His drink of choice is Jack on the rocks, and he can drink no more than five in a night. His father was drafted and fought in Vietnam, when he returned from the jungle protesters pelted him with rotten vegetables. He likes to use big words whose meanings could be ambiguous...I don’t know, I've never taken the time to learn them enough to use them regularly, some examples: apropo, entropy. Those are the two that stick out in memory. He plays guitar, writes poetry, and smokes pot (and camel cigarettes). He recommends books like "The Art of War" and "Americans America" by John Steinbeck. He likes the TV shows MASH and the Simpsons. In High School he had a .8 GPA and was one of the more creative and intellectual people. I didn’t mention it at the beginning, but he's only been here for 4 days. He lives with his girlfriend who drives an SUV. He likes me, I think. He, to me, is pretty common. He didn’t have any ideas that blew me away, just some many of the same ideas I had at seventeen. He used different words to express these ideas and at first I didn’t understand him...but we waded through his "smart-talk" and he thinks good things and seems to be generally aware of what he wants (how amibi ambiguous and I wont even get into it). It was a good two-hour discussion. I gave him my number and a list of ways to spend his time and money. That'll be that...for now. The urge to leave is greater now. And it is harder for people to understand me. At least I know that. I wish I were blind sometimes. It is so sad to see things, and since I have seen I think that I would welcome the opportunity to be blind. The world is so beautiful, but the things that are done to "enhance" the beauty really just detract from it and the collective conscious of humanity. When an idea is transformed into something tangible it will be decidedly uglier than originally conceived. That is because too much value is placed on appearance and not enough on function. I value appearance too. Just to keep me in the realm, in check, I am not above it; it is something rooted into my being, pounded into me for eighteen plus years. That isn’t something so easy to just forget about, it is a part of me that desperately needs to be re-worked and one way to do that would be for me to take a spoon and remove my eyes. The world would be radically different and I'd probably be declared literally insane and committed to a hospital where I am daily pumped full of drugs to bring me back into "reality" to help me "see" that I am wrong and by force of habit the world is right. That is an entropic vision. (Notice the derivative of entropy.) A balance, the good and the bad meet each other half way...kind of. I also still have no real idea what is being written. Ah. I never really figured entropy out, so it is kind of like "arbitrary" another word I am never sure I am using right. So, I'll just kind of forget about it and continue moving along in some sort of fashion that is similar to something that I know. This is so vague I don’t even know what I am writing. Stop. As I had (or maybe I didn’t...) previously expressed, today I started the enormity of preparing the finished diaries for the WWW. The world wide web, that is. Yes. There are already many pages of typed shit, and that is what my focus was today....< BR >, that is the HTML code fro for break, I had about six hours of pasting that at places where I needed breaks. My hand hurt horribly afterward. And for some reason I couldn’t get it online. That disturbed me, because something of that nature occurred before, when I originally got them all organized for xanga.com. I also finished deleting those entries tonight. Things are coming together. I have, still, between 500 and 600 written pages to type. It is daunting, but I also have five weeks. That is something like twenty pages a day...and that is quite ridiculous. It would be different, I guess, if I had written twenty pages a day...but that just isn’t the case. So it is a bit overwhelming, but I want to be able to rid myself of these things...I leads me to really wonder why I even write them, but that is a whole other story. I grow so weary thinking about the future, it sometimes makes me want to cry. Like right now, at Stumptown. There are no words that I know to adequately express this singular emotion washing over me. It is amazing. Not good or bad, just an emotion that links to my thoughts and knocks me over. The thought that just ran through my head was why I couldn’t connect brainwaves with another person here, concentrate and direct everything toward her and just have it acknowledged. And in writing, perhaps even a second before I started writing that thought, it is answered. Because I am a fucking wacko/nut-job, and the people that see me also see that aspect of me and are therefore turned off from association...and I cannot blame them. No. And then, naturally, I wonder if I really believe what I write about myself. And sway neither way...
2/18
I looked at the classifieds section today for the first time since re-working our commitment to home delivery. The same jobs are offered and they aren’t worthwhile. And, speaking of things that aren’t worthwhile, the music artist known as Sage Francis is mostly worthless. He is a good poet, but as far as interaction with a crowd...well, I hope most of the money we paid goes to C.J. Avery. He was amazing, a beat-box from Vancouver Canada, not revoking what he stands for. Sage portrayed himself as a sex starved/misogynistic idiot. He reworked most of his songs to sound like rap rock, did stupid dances and touched himself alot. I wasn’t the only person unsatisfied with the performance, someone in front was talking shit and flipping him off most of the show. Towards the end, Sage lunged at the kid. If C.J. hadn’t opened, that show would be utterly worthless. I was going to write on the burned CD I had how unpleased I was a go leave it on stage. I guess there was good reason in my not retaining that as possession. And more than that have I been thinking about those things that endeared themselves to me in such a way that my decision moved to hold onto slivers of a life that I am ultimately leaving. I need to let that sink in, I am leaving and these things will not be able to define who I am any longer. Keeping them with me will be a feeble attempt to keep myself confined to a definition past its prime. That course has been pulsating within me frequently and I wasn’t sure how to exactly address it. I am still attaching myself to the fear-control complex of society and these are latches that will allow me to completely break away from society. I would be called cynical; except that it wouldn’t be cynicism...it'd be truth. And that is hard to swallow. I've been sitting here, writing, for the better part of an hour...and drinking a cup of coffee. I've yet to pay for it, and that is something I'd forgotten. The human interaction part is something I often forget. And I cannot say I feel less because of it. Sometimes I feel as if I identify more with the dog than with any person around me. Especially in the way the dog is tied to a tree and people walk by and pat the head of the animal then push the ball in front of its face. It isn’t the dogs ball, but it is a BALL, and it is a DOG...don’t they go one and one? It is kind of like how I am a person and this is reality. Nudge. I'll just go ahead and find my own ball as soon as I figure a way out of my chains and I will be happy...not just content. Challenge reality. I came home to a package from my father...it included: a roll of duct tape, a mini-flashlight, a 2003 calendar, that note, and crumples of newspaper, oh, and an Altoids tin shaped as a heart. That note...it is eerie that he mentions things like that. The only loophole I can fathom is Justin Gall telling his mom who tells Bill Nick who then moves to conversation with my father. Or, he may just have caught wind of tendencies, who knows? It feels like things are closing in on me a bit, and not in a good way. I hadn’t wanted to write anyone until that last round of letters. Carol never responded to my offer, that is dead. Everything around me is dead or dying. My person and my life in general is catching a little stench. Something in here is dead and waiting to be thrown out the window...biding time, sitting here, waiting. But, it is somewhat a good thing, really. I no longer care. I carry around little to no care about things...in general and I am losing more care as I sit. Which is good and bad. I don’t really know what I am talking about there, so , forget about it. Growing a beard, there is a point where it is horrible...for me, it is at the end of the first month (roundabout) until no more than the beginning of the sixth week. So, at most it is a two week period. It is just long enough to be scratchy and in the way and I want to shave it then. If I wait, it is wonderful, because my beard is natural and beautiful. But, anyway, that is where I am at in life. It is similar to where I was in SB, but there I shaved...clean. Here I am letting it grow (so far and hopefully for awhile). I think I'll be okay, I really do. I guess, if anything, it is safe to say that there will be a future and I will be apart of it and everything else will spring from there.
2/19
The problem, I think, is language. This society and culture have so many words and continue to make more yet fail to realize that it is all rather meaningless, an interaction from this morning:
"what happened to the recycling bin?"
"I don’t know, I don’t really know anything."
"Well, I'm sorry."
"You really shouldn’t be."
"I'm not, really."
"Well you should say what you mean."
"I do."
So, if this person is really saying what they mean, what the hell does sorry mean now? I admit to being out of the loop and even playing dumb sometimes, but I wonder. It was the same thing with Steve a couple days ago saying "what’s up" and its multiple meanings. The same is true for "I'm sorry", but I had caught that awhile ago and I only apologize when I mean it. And many people that know me know that, making me somewhat sincere, I do my best to say exactly what I mean and, turned around, mean exactly what I say. It explains any lack of communication that I may have, and many reservations I hold. It's the language, and I am still sorting out some meanings. Practicability, less is more. I guess these are things I live by. Less is more is something I have had problems with understanding and thereby explaining, but I got it now. The less you have, the more you get out of it. If I had a million dollars, I'd get a lot of things, but if I only had one dollar, I'd get something with a lot of meaning and purpose. And, slowly, I feel that I am getting those things form my life, and the reason it is harder to process and understand is because of societal masks, double and triple meanings. Unraveling these things is undoing society, it is propped up by these falsities...but I guess it is soft. That is a problem, these social-truths-actually-lies are a nice base to land on, it doesn’t really hurt. As we uproot and remove these this fluff, and move towards truth, things are going to hurt more; but hey, at least we'll really be able to feel and actually be feeling. I'll take the harshness of truth and the severity of reality over this swan song of lies at any moment it is offered. Sometimes I wish I could really know every single person that I come in contact with on a in a day and just completely understand who they are, and why they are. Like, I called up Stumptown before I came to be here now, to offer the age old record-for-a-cup-of-coffee trade. It was shot down, and it was funny how it happened. First, let me get into why that sort of trade would be beneficial right now. I bought some tickets for a concert tonight, and it should be quite intense. The band is Dead Prez, a militant vegan hip-hop duo. I went last night to buy the tickets, but it isn’t billed as Dead Prez (which means "dead the fucking president") it is billed under Lyricist Lounge. So, the kid last night couldn’t find them and so, today with increased knowledge I went to buy them again. And it worked, although ticket prices on the day of the show are more expensive. I spent $36.50 on the two tickets. Amazingly enough, I had $36.90 on my person. That also set my funds to below the price of a cup of coffee. After I purchased the tickets I set course for Steve’s workplace to relinquish his half of said tickets. I came across him at the Haven and gave him the ticket, we played a game of chess which he won. Then I relayed my dilemma and he slipped me a dollar. So, all along, I had this dollar, but I figured it'd be a good time to rid my person of another piece of vinyl. So, I called the place and Eva answered the phone. Each other time it had been Sarah, so right away I was taken aback. Without any guile I just blurted out some words "so do you want to trade a cup of coffee for a record" and twice I was knocked down. I was reeling, yet I didn’t know why. (And this interaction lasted no more than thirty seconds, but in my mind, recalling what happened, my thoughts; it seems much longer.) She said "no, uh, no I don’t think so." and I said "okay, bye." Thoughts ran through me as she was slowly saying no and then re-confirming her no...the "uh" that is the point where I should move to be convincing. But, there was no reason to convince, I concluded. After hanging up the phone, I immediately looked at the records. They are each worth at least a dollar, c'mon. And, this may spring purely from personal opinion, it is good music too. But that wasn’t the issue. There was no chances offered from either side. When the first chance (with Sarah) came successful, it was only after a test. She asked who I was, and from her knowing me it was okay. This case was not all there. It could be a lack of desire to get rid of them, although I cannot listen to them. Anyway, this is too much for so (I am going to write little and understand the contradiction) little. It is also why I'd like to just know people, because she seems so nice, yet icy in the face of new things. The opposite, I think, pertains to myself. On the outside I seem so icy, distant, and not worth it...but if one takes the time (or at least the initiative) it will become known what a personable and nice guy I am. That probably runs in my family. Honestly, I think that I am a fucking amazing human specimen. I am very nice, honest, I don’t overextend myself. Geez. The list could go on forever. The negative list would be pretty long too (I smell horribly), but unlike the popular majority my positive traits will just eek out the negative. And that is grand.
2/20/03
I was in the shower thinking about death today. Many of my thoughts travel through me as if they are conversations--something I've touched on before. That is the path this particular thought chose. Basically I came to the conclusion that I definitely want to die before I get old. Too many people hang onto life past their prime, and it is rather disgusting, I think. Last night was an experience. We had thoughts of being "called out" at the Dead Prez show because we'd be white. But it was disgusting, everyone was white, well most people. If I ever hated being white, I hated it last night. Going into it I felt like I might be surrounded with people that I could identify with. Dead Prez is as close as we get today for representation of the Black Panther Party. When the rappers sun talked about "crackers" the people cheered. It was disgusting. I really don’t even want to think about it...the time I spend looking for a place where in society that I can identify with is wasted time, Fuck the shit, I am quite fed up with hoping so much and being constantly let-down--that is where this removal stems from mostly. Life is a fucking joke and we are all living a lie and I think that it'd be better if we all just died. For fucksake, I cannot wait to get out of here...
Random slip of paper
Thoughts come to me like water and trying to corral them is like I have a colander. I just don’t retain too many of them, but it doesn’t concern me. There are so many that just the ones I process take up six pages of paper a day. And I look through them after the fact and they are so arbitrary, it might almost be better that I process none of them.