10/31/99

FROM: Alexandria Thompson (includes a picture of an angel and a lock of hair...)

Hey Brian, or is it Bryan? Ahhh I sorry! (frown face) How are you doing sweetie? good I hope. It's a lil after 2 am Halloween morning & I couldn’t sleep if someone paid me a zillion dollars & I was thinking about you so I thought write now was a perfect time to write to you & tell you about what’s goin on with me & everything around here...icky! God I don’t know where to start, I guess I'll start by telling you how awful this past year has been to me...Well, this past year has been the worst year of my life basically...whatever hope I had left in myself is gone...I’m so fucking stupid, I kick myself in the ass everyday because of it & cry everyday because of it...I just don’t know where to begin...I remember telling you alot of things about my dad & my depression, I don’t know if you knew about me quitting school? Well, I quit school this year, not because I didn’t wanna go anymore, but because I cannot do it anymore, I'd sit in school & just breakdown...no reason at all, just all the memories coming back all at once, I guess I never thought being so sad could cause that, I felt like I was having nervous breakdowns one after another & my cries for help are silent...Behind the Mask...finally I had the nerve to write my mom a letter & spill all my insides out and tell her I need professional help & she told me that it was in my head & that all I wanted to be put on was medication...after that I'd just stay away from her as much as I could until one day I didn’t come back, & I moved in with my boyfriend of a year & 1/2...big mistake...(I've gotta take a year off life everyday...) I thought I'd be better there, but its just as bad, our relationship has gone to shit...I told him I needed out for awhile to get away for at least 6 mos to get my life together & just to be away from Chicago... but I have to save up to do that... plus I couldn’t leave for too long cuz I have to stay & take care of my grandma, she’s so beautiful...she’s so sad...I have to visit her often & make her happy...she paralyzed after a horrible stroke & I love her so much it breaks me over & over again to see her sad in a nursing home... if I didn’t have my grandma nothing would be stopping me for moving far away. I really wanna do something with myself, I'm just so confused & sad that I don’t know where to begin. I'm not like everyone else though...remember how I told you stuff that I could feel about you...? that’s just the beginning of it... I don’t see people like people see me... I look at people blindly...if everyone was blind, this world would have no expectations...I read peoples hearts instead of their minds, because a heart has no lies...its not complex & it still contains all I need to know about someone...I love people but hate what people do alot of the time. My only goal in life is to make a frown a smile, but not my own...I kinda absorb everything...I'd give my life to save another anyday, even if it were my complete opposite...I've never thought about myself before someone else, others always come first...its kinda crazy really, but true...I cant help it, each person in the world has a beat of my heart...no one is different, some people just haven’t learned the things others have...it is hard to explain in a letter, you’ll have to see for yourself in person... That’s another thing to write about...me...I'm not sire you'll still wanna see me or meet me after what you read, but hopefully you will...well, I'm chubby...it's the hardest thing to tell people because 99.9% of the time, they never talk to me again...I try so hard to help myself lose weight...I've gotten to be an obsessive compulsive over it...I think about it constantly...never giving myself a break...I cant help it...Society has molded me into this but I'm still fighting it...for myself...someday I think that I'll have self-esteem...confidence...& all that good stuff...ha. I keep thinking its gonna burst one day & I'll get all those things I lack now...but overall, I'd rather be hated for what I am, then loved for who I'm not... In the end. You need to let me know regardless, okay hun? good. it's 3:00. I'm crazy, eh? I'm gonna put my lock of hair in here as I promised, I'm going to cut it off in a little while actually. So it fresh, heh (smiley face). God, I'm so glad you IM'd me & found me Bri, I thought about you often & wondered about you alot hoping you were okay. I swear to everyone I don’t know what I'd do without you...you were there for me at one of the worst times. I still think about dying sometimes but I've got some *angels* helping me live everyday, Just like you. I'm gonna let you go, if I think of more, I'll write more...Thanks for listening to me, your sweet, kind, generous & beautiful. & I love you for being who you are & the friend you've been to me. Sweet dreams love. Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bit (picture of bed bug) XOXOX eternal (heart) AlexAndria "...in hope this lil angel will be free from all of their prisons..." "you know I wont let me let you down..."

3/13/00

FROM: Alexandria Thompson

Hey you, howsitgoin? Hope better than you were a few months ago...Well its the 2nd time I'm writing to you maybe this time you'll actually be able to read the letter...that first letter that I wrote to you was like 6 pages long, both side & it was one of those letters you write when you are sad, or when you cant sleep & then you re-read it before you go to send it, & you feel stupid because your not as sad as you were the night before or when you wrote it... but I lost all but one page...it was a beautiful letter though...I cant remember exactly what I wrote, but I have a pretty good idea for the most part it was about how I trusted you, after hardly knowing you & told you everything that ever bothered me, about my dad, depression...just everything, how I miss talking to you & how I wished you lived closer...but there’s one important thing that I wanted to tell you most & I wanted & hoped you’d understand...&that is I'm not thin, I'm actually a chunk, its just awful to me, because no one is able to accept it, nor myself because society molded me into this, I hate it, I wish I were able to love me for me, but I don’t, because no one else does...I know beauty is only skin deep, but why are people so superficial? They love you for who you are not, & hate you for who you are...God, Brian all I ever wanted was someone to understand me so well, & not expect me to change to fit their mold, I always saw people inside out, I never see people outside in...that’s why I'll never understand most people. Was I somehow made different? Was I made inside out or something? Please don’t hate me because of me...on the inside I'm a wonderful person, I do know that, I know that I love people for who they are, not what color their hair, skin, teeth, eyes, whatever, not how many hundreds of thousands they make each year, or how many hundreds of nothing they have...not for what neighborhood they live in or which bridge they reside under...its the only way to explain, I don’t see people, I feel them. Because every person I look at, I'm blind to see, & when you are blind you have no expectations...I may not have much of anything, but I try with what I have...I don’t think you’re the type of person to hate me because of that, I'm just afraid you will though...enough on that... Ever since you mentioned Steve to me, I think of him alot & I always have this picture of him being so sad...like in a corner crying...he misses you, & he dresses in dark colors alot, doesn’t he? he’s not just sad because you’re gone though, its about the things he sees around him...he’s pretty distant from people, I mean with his inner thoughts...he doesn’t open up easily to anyone but you...for some reason though, I feel trusted by him already, probably because he’s a part of you... I'm gonna go to sleep now cos I have to work early, but I'll continue this soon, okay see you in my dreams...March 15th Its actually 2 days later, I was so tired when I got home from work last night, that after I did a few things I went to bed at 7 & didn’t get up until 7 this morning & I'm still exhausted! Today was definitely a rough day though, I went to see my piggy this morning & he wasn’t feeling good, in my heart I knew he was gonna go soon, either today or sooner, & then I gave him a kiss & told him I loved him & put him in his house & left for work, & when I came home tonight I went to see him & he was in the corner laying down like he was sleeping & he died, I'm heartbroken, but he’s better now & not suffering & I'll miss him, that was my little baby boy. (frown face)... I'm just so tired of everything I think I know too much, & I'm not supposed to you know...I mean we need to reclaim our future...I'm tired of putting people in office to be the only ones able to change the world I don’t agree, I wont agree, & I never will. I refuse to vote because I don’t believe just because you live in a place called the White House makes the world better, I know that this generation of people understand & are actually doing stuff to make a difference... Eating animals is just gross, anyone who had any morals wouldn’t eat any kind of flesh, its wrong, animals were put here as a gift, not to be tortured, or eaten, but to be loved & respected...& also when the constitution was written it was all about how "all men are created equal..." Yet at the same time those schmucks had slaves in their fields & if all men were created so equal why did they appoint themselves higher than the rest...? I know you understand me & my views I don’t even know if your a vegetarian but if you aren’t, consider it. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity...& oh religion, isn’t that controversial yes, I believe in god, I don’t however believe in organized religion, churches, or anything of that matter, god can hear me just fine from anywhere I stand. Churches, they don’t accept gays or anything, yet god accepts everyone? give me a break. If god is the person that put animals on the earth so we can rule over them & have free will to kill them & eat them & let us kill & hate, but as long as we love god, we can do everything else wrong, then I'd rather be in hell & burn for eternity, if its true though. I think not. I'm really tired, so I think I'm gonna go, I'll send this soon, sweet dreams, see you in my dreams Peace&Carrots XOXO eternal (heart) AlexAndria w/b kayo? (the 16th) I talked to Steve today finally, he’s so awesome, I'm writing him a letter, about the vegetarian thing I wrote before I was kinda mad but I hear both of you are trying to quit meat eating! that’s awesome! I'm excited! Oh yeah, a second ago I was looking for an envelope & I found the other pages to the first letter so I'm putting them in! Well I'm gonna go Love you lots W/B soon XO (heart) Alex!

9/20/02

FROM: Alexandria Thompson

You must have read my mind about writing, & I find it amusing how you say you couldn’t write back home, cause I couldn’t write since I last spoke to you... I have tried to write but all I end up is writing half written letters in these journals that never get sent & no one in the world would ever be able to decipher them but me. So here I am writing to you...It's been like almost 2 years I think only cause I remember the last letter I started writing to you was in October of 2000 when a friend of mine was shot & killed & I never sent it... I could’ve written afterward but I'm not sure... God, in the last 2 years I've learned the absolute most wonderful & terrible things of my life...there has also been alot of self respect that I've gained as well as self confidence...I thought I understood the meaning of life, but I never really got it until now... I wish I could put the feeling that I feel on paper, but nothing could ever describe this. I don’t think I could ever explain it unless you were sitting next to me... Someday... I ended the 4 year relationship I was in in April, well it didn’t end too nice... I cried way too much & made myself so completely sick over something that should’ve been happy... that saying about if you love something, let it go really is true...I don’t look to the negative side of what happened but the positive, because everything happens for a reason & out of everything that has happened I’ve learned life’s most wonderful lessons and I'm happy... And we're friends & it took awhile but I think he's finally starting to understand the meaning of love... Life is so fucking amazing!!! People live their whole lives without understanding such a simple concept... I wrote Peter Wojcik a few times & he said he'd write back, but I never heard from him... those letters were intense & I think they may have offended him... I have to go now though, send Steve my regards & W/B Eternal (heart for love) Alexandria

9/30/02

FROM: Alexandria Thompson

hey how are you? I'm bored at work cause its slow so I decided to write to you... I saw a sweet movie yesterday called "Sweet November" have you ever seen it? If not I'll tell you about it later... I'm always enlightened when I'm driving & it usually only happens when I'm driving... well sometimes I guess cause I see alot more than when I'm just standing there... Like this morning when I was on my way to work I was thinking about life’s little gifts that everyone takes for granted cause they're always there... Cause when I woke up this morning I had my windows open & it smelled so good & I always say that smell reminded me of one of the best time sin my life, that’s why I'll never forget it, & if I could I would take that smell & bottle it up cause that would be just awesome! I love life’s little gifts the way people talk or laugh & smile god all those little things... they make me happy... I was telling you how I recently discovered the meaning of life like I mentioned before & a big part people forget to remember is how to laugh...everyone’s always crying & feeling guilt about these "horrible" things they've done, and whose to say these things are really "horrible" anyway... So many people are used to this molded lifestyle & don’t allow anything inside this bubble... I used to think like that when I was young, but for as long as I can remember I've always questioned every decision every thought..I used to feel guilty about things I have done that were "no-no's" & then I realized that no one cares! No one cares what you do, it may seem like it but no one really gives a Fuck! It's funny cause people think that you’re judged on what you do & its not about what you do, you’re judged on how you feel about what you do... makes perfect sense... So if "Suzy" wants to sleep with 600 guys & thinks its the absolute greatest thing in the world, Then hell yeah more power to her... I hope you understand this... there’s only 2 people that care about you & those 2 people are you & the rest of the world & the rest of the world doesn’t care... So I always remember to laugh... I plan on laughing to death not crying & I laugh to myself... It's the best medicine for anything everyone thinks that I'm always happy, I'm not but a friend of mine who I absolutely adore said to me once "life is going to go on with or without you..." & this guys amazing he’s a widow & has 2 small children at home & he’s 39 & I always go to him when I need to talk or anything & we had a few romantic encounters, nothing that would lead to anything substantial, but I enjoyed those moments, the first time it happened I left feeling like the worst person on Earth & after that realization I just live for the moments the time spent with someone as wonderful as him & when its over I have the memories... So how do you feel about me? haha I'm glad that ya have become who you are & look forward to who you will become its interesting to see...I always wondered about you after you moved back to Indiana & what you’ve done... I love talking with Pete, he’s wonderful & he just I love him he’s great...we don’t speak often, but when we do I really enjoy it, its awesome if you talk to him tell him I miss him & I miss you & Steve & wish well... Please write me back I look forward to your letters Eternal (heart for love) Alexandria "...you're the drug I'm addicted too..."

11/13/02

FROM: Alexandria Thompson

how is it goin? I'm finally getting the opportunity to sit down & write after getting your letter a few weeks ago, I'm sorry (smiley face insert) I've been trying to get my life into some kinda order not that I'm completely lost, just kinda side tracked... its challenging too because it took this long to decide that I was gonna do it & stop complaining, you know how that goes... I forgot how independent I am when I'm alone its not a bad thing, I like it, after being in a broken relationship for so long I think you learn to appreciate the time you have alone with yourself... it feels better to be alone with yourself, then the loneliness it does when you’re laying next to somebody... for once in a long time, I feel at total peace with myself, God that’s an incredible feeling, I wish I could put that feeling in a jar & sell it or something that'd rock... I do alot of analyzing people, it entertains me well actually I don’t do it intentionally, but I have this wonderful invitation that really is cool because when I meet someone I can read them like the back of my hand, & most of the time I don’t let them know what I know, unless they're at the same level as me, but when I do tell someone alot of time they get freaked out... I cant remember what I wrote to you in the last letter, but I don’t wanna repeat myself either... When I see people it's a shame that so many people live their whole lives & never even come close to the true meaning of life I mean the word life means living & people are walking around like zombies & doing the "right" thing... What the hell is the "right" thing anyway? really... is the right thing to go to college, get a job making 6 figures a year, get married & have 2.5 kids? & who the hell says its the right thing... this is where I found out the meaning of life (now if you write back, I need some serious feedback on this) my life is completely yin & yang life is really... if you think about it... Have you ever felt completely guilty about something you did that you knew was the "right" thing & then let someone or maybe even yourself talk you into feeling guilty & saying I wish I hadn't done that because I knew it was wrong..? But when you did it you felt absolutely confident in doing what you did...? Why do you feel different now? Why is your guilt leading your life & why cant you control it? You feel awful because you did something & you thought it was right & then!!! Someone disagrees & says man that was so not right so you start to wonder shit maybe I didn’t so you allow yourself to cry feel guilty & total shit which leads to shame which came from someone saying it wasn’t right... I can say everyone has been there... now this winds down to the guilt & how "wrong" makes us shameful...I wanna know where this book of right & wrong comes in...& who wrote it... So okay...really in reality no one cares what you do only 2 people you & everybody else...& everyone else doesn’t give a fuck. so okay...people are so stuck on "If I do wrong then I'm gonna suffer..." What I figured out is you are not judged by what you have done but what you are judged on how you feel about what you have done...so simple. I can guarantee you Hitler is sitting in Heaven because he thought he did the right thing & he felt he did... & that girl that slept with 300 men & enjoyed every minute of it is just as well... because they thought it was the right thing & never felt guilty about it...as I get older the idea of "having to be married" makes me laugh... I think hey its great, get married have a party woo hoo! But I also don’t think humans are quite evolved enough to dedicate their lives completely to one person only & its only natural to wanna have contact with another human etc... animals don’t marry if you wanna get married hey try an open relationship its fun, hahaha... does that kind of dedication to one person really exist? I wish it did but again we are only human am I insane or just way too open minded? I had a wonderful experience with a good friend of mine probably the most wonderful sexual experience I have ever had & we weren’t in a relationship but 'it' was amazing & it was the longest experience I've ever had... completely wonderful & when I left his house I didn’t feel awkward I felt refreshed & we haven’t acted any different towards each other but I enjoyed it & would do it again so... & why is it if a girl sleeps with 20 guys she’s a slut but if she has 20 boyfriends in 20 years & sleeps with the, she isn’t? anyhow... I cant think of anything else to say but write back when you have some free time kiddo (heart) Always Alexandria "Be grateful of every moment you have to remember good & bad..." (with the same letter, but different ink and no date) ...walks but never speaks no one would be able to understand if you knew what his mind had to say... Unless maybe, just maybe you're the same... is it possible for another someone to live and think the same way? for a minute I thought I was losing my mind, well whatever was left of it anyway... how do you stay sane when the world is constantly poking at you trying to aggravate annoy & diminish your hopes... normally you'd fight back but this one time you said no I'm not & there lay the answers to all your unanswered questions...is it really that simple...? It's funny how we try to model our lives after something that is non-existent... I guess maybe its the hope that somewhere or someday it may exist...fantasy...reality...dreams of becoming that just fade away...wake up tomorrow its just another day... I wrote this at 3:00 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep its about "him" but "him" is alot of people... miss you. Love Alex (continuing with a new pen and no date) ...if you get a chance rent that move..." ...I'm so glad you wrote...this is my favorite pen, I come across it every once in a while... I lost your address & I did write a letter, it took awhile to get back because I'm kinda going on a whim of analyzing & enjoying this life that I put off for so long... So I was watching this movie called "Sweet November..." & I swear it was written for me... maybe about me... maybe no one else understands it quite the way I do...you ever hear a song & say god, this song was written for me about me & my life... Its like how do they know?! It makes me laugh cause I do it all the time... I also like when they don’t make the lyrics quite as obvious as some musicians so you really have to wonder what the song could be about... I wish the world worked as the barter system still & everyone didn’t have to worry about money & everything was taken care of food clothes shelter & if you wanted more you worked harder & that’s all... there would be so much more time to enjoy life’s little things... I always liked the cold weather, when it snows I'm happy... I like sweaters & scarves & hats & mittens & I really like Christmas trees but what I love are those guys from the Salvation Army who stand outside ringing bells for donations... I don’t care for presents or fancy dinners I just like Christmas trees & fireplaces where I can sit & think or write or sleep there isn’t a rush... for Christmas I think its fun to recycle gifts well if you have a group of friends you all wrap a gift or something of your own that you are willing to give up & pass it on to a friend there is no spending involved just laughs & sharing, it could be something you hated or loved... anything... that’s fun & it all lays in front of you... I lead a crazy life I'm very yin-yang...nothing about me matches together, but I love that (I think I may have written that in the other letters...) I wish I knew everyone in the world if only there were time... some peoples lives include me a short amount of time others much monger but I've never really been forgotten...some people don’t realize who I was until I'm long gone & some people never do quite understand why I do the things I do & that’s okay... I know & you can only explain a million times & they still don’t get it... some people need to be taught, I taught myself... I used to think you only know what your taught...wrong...that’s why we have minds of our own learning is the best part of living feeling... life in a pill... I love you. there isn’t any specific reason to why I do its just all of many reasons to say it... I'm not afraid to tell people I love them...its a wonderful thing to say, it should be said more often. Eternal (heart) Me

11/16/02

TO: Alexandria Thompson

Raging River. Running through it. Getting wet. Life. Imagination is a great thing, being outside of yourself is better. Living without boundaries is best. Imagine something so much more than you could ever think of, for yourself. Imagine a room full of people and foraging amongst them, being, a being, in life, and living like there is nothing outside of this room, but everything still exists, everything is in this room, this room is your life...you are everything. The power of imagination. Now, that you are life, you are everything, go outside. If you are everything, then there is nothing outside of yourself, everything is contained within and it is a heavy feeling, burdensome. Open your doors and let some of you out, let some of everything outside of yourself and retain memory. You create the life around you by letting yourself, your everything out to mix with others, other :things". Now you are letting a few things out and your everything is growing with interaction. Now, drop all boundaries, retain the memory of everything and let it go, let your life be an open field or forest, what comes, goes. Memory of those things makes life brighter. And your room is brightest of all, after the rain, sunshine, the rainbow, beauty. Even during the rain, sometimes the sun shines, never give up hope. Nothing is impossible, nothing is unattainable. I am not sure about feelings, I feel good. I take my surroundings and find in them: POSITIVE. I hope you feel good about life. I feel mostly out of touch with all life that isn’t mine right now. And that is okay. I am taking progressive steps to inject myself back into life, into everything. I remember. I don’t know what direction I am heading in, but I am going full throttle, AHEAD! I am happy about it, this west coast living, for me, is like a drug...I guess all living is like a drug, this is an upper. I pop that pill every morning, the pill of life, and I am jump started into action, mind racing. I wish sometimes that I could write with my left hand too, because my right hand gets so worn out sometimes. It is alright, I need to get this stuff out of my room and into life, it needs to mix with every other thing and grow. And, I feel positive about my efforts. I only wish every other person felt this way, they may, my wishes could already be reality. I'll never know. Well, maybe. It has been awhile since I have last heard from you, I trust in life’s certainty that you are great...and improving with every movement of muscle. I know that here, for me, every day is something to smile about and every night I dream and remember. My real world and my dream are almost parallel. I am almost living life, in a dream. Peace.Love. Brian

12/17/02

TO: Alexandria Thompson

Sometimes, misconceptions are wonderful. I have had a few major ones in life, but not recently, and that sort of takes the sense out of the opening line. Sadly. But, in concurs (vaguely) with some things washing over my person in recent times. Control issues, power struggles, searching for personal meaning in life, a "why" to live. I had sort of tricked myself into believing that I was living for something besides living. Like, I convinced myself that I knew what I was doing, and how to deal with the bullets life shoots at me in relation to "why" I live. I guess that is the misconception I was looking for (as if I am just looking for something that I was wrong about, or at least underinformed). I think, also, just in writing this letter that I had also been deceiving (or lying, outright) myself on the level of my surity in relation to life. I had been of the thought that I had a firm grip, almost a stranglehold on my surity in most aspects of life...it was a balloon, and it is no longer inflated. So it seems that I have a unique chance to re-suffer the trials of surity...or maybe I haven’t even suffered that aspect of life and I have that to look forward too. Yay. I am also overwhelmed with my lightness of being in relation to all of these personal realizations, they come to me and I embrace them, without falter, I accept (where I would previously reject) these new situation of thought that I can suffer through. So, I am moving into new realms of life and taking everything, saving it, because I feel that I will do well with life, that one day there may be a loss of new things to suffer through and I can stockpile some things right now, like vitamin B12. I think that this acceptance is a misconception I previously had as well, I used to perceive suffering, rain, negative, sad as not as good as "good". But, I am beginning to decipher an internal language that says these things are not only great, but sometimes better than things already accepted as good, because these things help close + complete the circle of life, the perpetuate the unity and oneness of life, the good and the bad are the same, they both allow a person a platform from which one can learn amazing things about life. The recognition of this is great in and of itself, the carrying out (understanding) of what is actually being told, well that is one step closer to a whole being. Peace.Love. Brian

1/19/03

TO: Alexandria Thompson

Sometimes I really wonder what the word "smitten" actually means. I could just look it up, but it isn’t that recurring. The way I believe it is synonymous with "taken", that, if I am smitten with a person, I am taken by them. Of course, I have no idea. Lately I have been wanting to use that word as an adjective to describe my headthoughts toward another person. I am finding more and more that it is probably not "smit" (as it were) at all. More likely "pure physical attraction", or lust. I guess I would consider myself a lustful being. Which is an odd place for me, it is truly a new feeling, this. It stems largely from my recent past (which was a bust and I have had no genuine desires to carry any of that over), and it is something I am actively working through. Positivity is the working force behind this movement, after I've worked oppression to the surface of my being and subsequently out of my being, now we work through a list of all other ailments. We learn hard lessons, are emotionally and physically hurt, yet we persevere. Such is life, because we are without reason to die, we live. The flipside, of course, is that to be without reason to live, we shall die (and this includes literal and figurative forms of death). So, to skirt this we have adopted a reason to live, each of us has convinced ourselves why to live...if not, then why are we? That is the point. And as my personal why, I have chosen to work through arbitrary emotion, and see what is there; work out oppression and see how I feel; speak to others with a truth that is closely aligned with humility, to see how others are affected. I haven’t tried to live a life within conventional constraints for a noble reason, and that reason is that it is being done by so many that my personal "why" for life wouldn’t be very personal and in effect take me back to the stage of thinking of whether or not death would be easier. And, living on a precipice such as this adds a certain horror, that to slip is to stumble and to fall is to fail. There are no excuses for truth and if another perceives that daring "why" the first reaction is to trip that person. To bring them back down to a socially respectable level. These feelings I am working through betray my being, hence I am pushing myself to stand on firmer ground. With myself + the world all pushing at me I again wonder if society is worth it. Peace.Love. Brian