10/31/99
FROM: Alexandria Thompson (includes a picture of an angel and a lock of hair...)
Hey Brian, or is it Bryan? Ahhh I sorry! (frown face) How are you doing sweetie? good I hope. It's a lil after 2 am Halloween morning & I couldn’t sleep if someone paid me a zillion dollars & I was thinking about you so I thought write now was a perfect time to write to you & tell you about what’s goin on with me & everything around here...icky! God I don’t know where to start, I guess I'll start by telling you how awful this past year has been to me...Well, this past year has been the worst year of my life basically...whatever hope I had left in myself is gone...I’m so fucking stupid, I kick myself in the ass everyday because of it & cry everyday because of it...I just don’t know where to begin...I remember telling you alot of things about my dad & my depression, I don’t know if you knew about me quitting school? Well, I quit school this year, not because I didn’t wanna go anymore, but because I cannot do it anymore, I'd sit in school & just breakdown...no reason at all, just all the memories coming back all at once, I guess I never thought being so sad could cause that, I felt like I was having nervous breakdowns one after another & my cries for help are silent...Behind the Mask...finally I had the nerve to write my mom a letter & spill all my insides out and tell her I need professional help & she told me that it was in my head & that all I wanted to be put on was medication...after that I'd just stay away from her as much as I could until one day I didn’t come back, & I moved in with my boyfriend of a year & 1/2...big mistake...(I've gotta take a year off life everyday...) I thought I'd be better there, but its just as bad, our relationship has gone to shit...I told him I needed out for awhile to get away for at least 6 mos to get my life together & just to be away from Chicago... but I have to save up to do that... plus I couldn’t leave for too long cuz I have to stay & take care of my grandma, she’s so beautiful...she’s so sad...I have to visit her often & make her happy...she paralyzed after a horrible stroke & I love her so much it breaks me over & over again to see her sad in a nursing home... if I didn’t have my grandma nothing would be stopping me for moving far away. I really wanna do something with myself, I'm just so confused & sad that I don’t know where to begin. I'm not like everyone else though...remember how I told you stuff that I could feel about you...? that’s just the beginning of it... I don’t see people like people see me... I look at people blindly...if everyone was blind, this world would have no expectations...I read peoples hearts instead of their minds, because a heart has no lies...its not complex & it still contains all I need to know about someone...I love people but hate what people do alot of the time. My only goal in life is to make a frown a smile, but not my own...I kinda absorb everything...I'd give my life to save another anyday, even if it were my complete opposite...I've never thought about myself before someone else, others always come first...its kinda crazy really, but true...I cant help it, each person in the world has a beat of my heart...no one is different, some people just haven’t learned the things others have...it is hard to explain in a letter, you’ll have to see for yourself in person... That’s another thing to write about...me...I'm not sire you'll still wanna see me or meet me after what you read, but hopefully you will...well, I'm chubby...it's the hardest thing to tell people because 99.9% of the time, they never talk to me again...I try so hard to help myself lose weight...I've gotten to be an obsessive compulsive over it...I think about it constantly...never giving myself a break...I cant help it...Society has molded me into this but I'm still fighting it...for myself...someday I think that I'll have self-esteem...confidence...& all that good stuff...ha. I keep thinking its gonna burst one day & I'll get all those things I lack now...but overall, I'd rather be hated for what I am, then loved for who I'm not... In the end. You need to let me know regardless, okay hun? good. it's 3:00. I'm crazy, eh? I'm gonna put my lock of hair in here as I promised, I'm going to cut it off in a little while actually. So it fresh, heh (smiley face). God, I'm so glad you IM'd me & found me Bri, I thought about you often & wondered about you alot hoping you were okay. I swear to everyone I don’t know what I'd do without you...you were there for me at one of the worst times. I still think about dying sometimes but I've got some *angels* helping me live everyday, Just like you. I'm gonna let you go, if I think of more, I'll write more...Thanks for listening to me, your sweet, kind, generous & beautiful. & I love you for being who you are & the friend you've been to me. Sweet dreams love. Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bit (picture of bed bug) XOXOX eternal (heart) AlexAndria "...in hope this lil angel will be free from all of their prisons..." "you know I wont let me let you down..."
3/13/00
FROM: Alexandria Thompson
Hey you, howsitgoin? Hope better than you were a few months ago...Well its the 2nd time I'm writing to you maybe this time you'll actually be able to read the letter...that first letter that I wrote to you was like 6 pages long, both side & it was one of those letters you write when you are sad, or when you cant sleep & then you re-read it before you go to send it, & you feel stupid because your not as sad as you were the night before or when you wrote it... but I lost all but one page...it was a beautiful letter though...I cant remember exactly what I wrote, but I have a pretty good idea for the most part it was about how I trusted you, after hardly knowing you & told you everything that ever bothered me, about my dad, depression...just everything, how I miss talking to you & how I wished you lived closer...but there’s one important thing that I wanted to tell you most & I wanted & hoped you’d understand...&that is I'm not thin, I'm actually a chunk, its just awful to me, because no one is able to accept it, nor myself because society molded me into this, I hate it, I wish I were able to love me for me, but I don’t, because no one else does...I know beauty is only skin deep, but why are people so superficial? They love you for who you are not, & hate you for who you are...God, Brian all I ever wanted was someone to understand me so well, & not expect me to change to fit their mold, I always saw people inside out, I never see people outside in...that’s why I'll never understand most people. Was I somehow made different? Was I made inside out or something? Please don’t hate me because of me...on the inside I'm a wonderful person, I do know that, I know that I love people for who they are, not what color their hair, skin, teeth, eyes, whatever, not how many hundreds of thousands they make each year, or how many hundreds of nothing they have...not for what neighborhood they live in or which bridge they reside under...its the only way to explain, I don’t see people, I feel them. Because every person I look at, I'm blind to see, & when you are blind you have no expectations...I may not have much of anything, but I try with what I have...I don’t think you’re the type of person to hate me because of that, I'm just afraid you will though...enough on that... Ever since you mentioned Steve to me, I think of him alot & I always have this picture of him being so sad...like in a corner crying...he misses you, & he dresses in dark colors alot, doesn’t he? he’s not just sad because you’re gone though, its about the things he sees around him...he’s pretty distant from people, I mean with his inner thoughts...he doesn’t open up easily to anyone but you...for some reason though, I feel trusted by him already, probably because he’s a part of you... I'm gonna go to sleep now cos I have to work early, but I'll continue this soon, okay see you in my dreams...March 15th Its actually 2 days later, I was so tired when I got home from work last night, that after I did a few things I went to bed at 7 & didn’t get up until 7 this morning & I'm still exhausted! Today was definitely a rough day though, I went to see my piggy this morning & he wasn’t feeling good, in my heart I knew he was gonna go soon, either today or sooner, & then I gave him a kiss & told him I loved him & put him in his house & left for work, & when I came home tonight I went to see him & he was in the corner laying down like he was sleeping & he died, I'm heartbroken, but he’s better now & not suffering & I'll miss him, that was my little baby boy. (frown face)... I'm just so tired of everything I think I know too much, & I'm not supposed to you know...I mean we need to reclaim our future...I'm tired of putting people in office to be the only ones able to change the world I don’t agree, I wont agree, & I never will. I refuse to vote because I don’t believe just because you live in a place called the White House makes the world better, I know that this generation of people understand & are actually doing stuff to make a difference... Eating animals is just gross, anyone who had any morals wouldn’t eat any kind of flesh, its wrong, animals were put here as a gift, not to be tortured, or eaten, but to be loved & respected...& also when the constitution was written it was all about how "all men are created equal..." Yet at the same time those schmucks had slaves in their fields & if all men were created so equal why did they appoint themselves higher than the rest...? I know you understand me & my views I don’t even know if your a vegetarian but if you aren’t, consider it. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity...& oh religion, isn’t that controversial yes, I believe in god, I don’t however believe in organized religion, churches, or anything of that matter, god can hear me just fine from anywhere I stand. Churches, they don’t accept gays or anything, yet god accepts everyone? give me a break. If god is the person that put animals on the earth so we can rule over them & have free will to kill them & eat them & let us kill & hate, but as long as we love god, we can do everything else wrong, then I'd rather be in hell & burn for eternity, if its true though. I think not. I'm really tired, so I think I'm gonna go, I'll send this soon, sweet dreams, see you in my dreams Peace&Carrots XOXO eternal (heart) AlexAndria w/b kayo? (the 16th) I talked to Steve today finally, he’s so awesome, I'm writing him a letter, about the vegetarian thing I wrote before I was kinda mad but I hear both of you are trying to quit meat eating! that’s awesome! I'm excited! Oh yeah, a second ago I was looking for an envelope & I found the other pages to the first letter so I'm putting them in! Well I'm gonna go Love you lots W/B soon XO (heart) Alex!
4/4/00
FROM: Melissa Medrano (typed)
I've been very busy lately and haven’t really had time or thought about writing.......but in response to your last saga letter: If all you want/need to move on in life is my forgiveness then okay....I will give you this satisfaction and this will be the only satisfaction you will be getting from me: YOU ARE FORGIVEN! The end.
9/9/02
FROM: BeeJay (hidden in one of my bags as I was pushing off from Indiana)
I am going to miss you like I always do. Take care and this is my bracelet to you. You aint gotta wear it, just keep it. Sorry we didn’t always get along when you were back this time. But I am glad you found something that makes you happy again because I know this area never really has. Its weird though. Take all of us in High School then and we are all so changed now. Then we had no plans or life ideas and now we're all so different. You and Steve are vegan and content while homeless, (ripped out name) has grown up and matured Alex is married with a kid. Pat finally has his band. I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't but I have to I just don’t know how. I know I suck keeping touch when people leave but this time I am going to really try too. This time I want to. You have always been there for me but I'd like to keep us close and maybe us not living together will make us as close as we once were. You are part of my family, and I will always love you in that best friendish, brotherly, half gay way. Your Friend, BeeJay
9/20/02
FROM: Alexandria Thompson
You must have read my mind about writing, & I find it amusing how you say you couldn’t write back home, cause I couldn’t write since I last spoke to you... I have tried to write but all I end up is writing half written letters in these journals that never get sent & no one in the world would ever be able to decipher them but me. So here I am writing to you...It's been like almost 2 years I think only cause I remember the last letter I started writing to you was in October of 2000 when a friend of mine was shot & killed & I never sent it... I could’ve written afterward but I'm not sure... God, in the last 2 years I've learned the absolute most wonderful & terrible things of my life...there has also been alot of self respect that I've gained as well as self confidence...I thought I understood the meaning of life, but I never really got it until now... I wish I could put the feeling that I feel on paper, but nothing could ever describe this. I don’t think I could ever explain it unless you were sitting next to me... Someday... I ended the 4 year relationship I was in in April, well it didn’t end too nice... I cried way too much & made myself so completely sick over something that should’ve been happy... that saying about if you love something, let it go really is true...I don’t look to the negative side of what happened but the positive, because everything happens for a reason & out of everything that has happened I’ve learned life’s most wonderful lessons and I'm happy... And we're friends & it took awhile but I think he's finally starting to understand the meaning of love... Life is so fucking amazing!!! People live their whole lives without understanding such a simple concept... I wrote Peter Wojcik a few times & he said he'd write back, but I never heard from him... those letters were intense & I think they may have offended him... I have to go now though, send Steve my regards & W/B Eternal (heart for love) Alexandria
9/30/02
FROM: Alexandria Thompson
hey how are you? I'm bored at work cause its slow so I decided to write to you... I saw a sweet movie yesterday called "Sweet November" have you ever seen it? If not I'll tell you about it later... I'm always enlightened when I'm driving & it usually only happens when I'm driving... well sometimes I guess cause I see alot more than when I'm just standing there... Like this morning when I was on my way to work I was thinking about life’s little gifts that everyone takes for granted cause they're always there... Cause when I woke up this morning I had my windows open & it smelled so good & I always say that smell reminded me of one of the best time sin my life, that’s why I'll never forget it, & if I could I would take that smell & bottle it up cause that would be just awesome! I love life’s little gifts the way people talk or laugh & smile god all those little things... they make me happy... I was telling you how I recently discovered the meaning of life like I mentioned before & a big part people forget to remember is how to laugh...everyone’s always crying & feeling guilt about these "horrible" things they've done, and whose to say these things are really "horrible" anyway... So many people are used to this molded lifestyle & don’t allow anything inside this bubble... I used to think like that when I was young, but for as long as I can remember I've always questioned every decision every thought..I used to feel guilty about things I have done that were "no-no's" & then I realized that no one cares! No one cares what you do, it may seem like it but no one really gives a Fuck! It's funny cause people think that you’re judged on what you do & its not about what you do, you’re judged on how you feel about what you do... makes perfect sense... So if "Suzy" wants to sleep with 600 guys & thinks its the absolute greatest thing in the world, Then hell yeah more power to her... I hope you understand this... there’s only 2 people that care about you & those 2 people are you & the rest of the world & the rest of the world doesn’t care... So I always remember to laugh... I plan on laughing to death not crying & I laugh to myself... It's the best medicine for anything everyone thinks that I'm always happy, I'm not but a friend of mine who I absolutely adore said to me once "life is going to go on with or without you..." & this guys amazing he’s a widow & has 2 small children at home & he’s 39 & I always go to him when I need to talk or anything & we had a few romantic encounters, nothing that would lead to anything substantial, but I enjoyed those moments, the first time it happened I left feeling like the worst person on Earth & after that realization I just live for the moments the time spent with someone as wonderful as him & when its over I have the memories... So how do you feel about me? haha I'm glad that ya have become who you are & look forward to who you will become its interesting to see...I always wondered about you after you moved back to Indiana & what you’ve done... I love talking with Pete, he’s wonderful & he just I love him he’s great...we don’t speak often, but when we do I really enjoy it, its awesome if you talk to him tell him I miss him & I miss you & Steve & wish well... Please write me back I look forward to your letters Eternal (heart for love) Alexandria "...you're the drug I'm addicted too..."
10/21/02
FROM: Frances T-Y
Love is not experienced till it is given!! (smiley face)
Well we haven’t really talked much! But I don’t really expect you to call, email, or write. But maybe if I keep calling, emailing, and writing it will show you the importance. I hope Portland is what you dreamed. I miss you and hope to see you again someday!! "I think I will!" Anyway, how’s your new job? Do you do less or more business there when it comes to chimney sweep? I never would have thought you would do that again, but I guess that’s what you really know!! How are you and Catherine? Are you guys a couple or just friends? Or is that any of my business? Have you talked to anyone back here? I would guess not!! But I should let you answer that. Have you talked to LISA?? I really haven’t talked to her since the wedding!! Brian write soon I hope you are doing everything your heart desires..... Love, Frankie P.S. Keep in touch
11/12/2002
TO: ROB ABELE
Sitting in this deep corner, there is no quiet. Booming Beaming Bright Alive! And smiling, boldly, into the depths of forever. Life doesn’t escape a person, it transforms that person. In death, I think, that is more a changing of the guard, a quirk of life that transforms a person into "death", but never really dead, always living. And the secret, is to always feel alive, I have found that much. And because of this knowledge, I do my best to spend every moment in truth, in ALIVE, in now, and, especially, in forever. Always living, always working toward that goal, of tomorrow. A special feeling glides across my being when I think of tomorrow, that feeling is closely attuned to excitement, but something wholly its own. It is wondrosity. I was thinking today of how long it has been since I have seen NY, and it is two years and a couple days too long. I don’t know exactly what it is that binds my being to NY, I have such fond memories. I felt so young, so much younger and newer then. More open, my doors were like a saloon, now, there are a few boards across that door, and a padlock--locked. It isn’t all bad, I just find it harder to accept things around my life fluctuating, things that I once thought were stone are corrupting under the weight of acid rain. And letting new things bond inside of me...it is just tough. Sometimes, I feel like a less than whole individual. Like, I think there is some key thing that everyone learns when they are seven years old, but for some reason I missed out. And now, no matter how hard I knock, the door to normalcy isn’t going to be opened. So, I come to accept not being "all there" all the time, internal struggles with human interaction; and I am getting used to being alone all of the time, truly loving myself, and I am doing well, I think. I have been writing like four pages of nonsensical blabber a day and it is beginning to form into something. Something tangible and real, since 1999, I have 290 pages (typed in ten-point Times New Roman) of jibber jabber and documents. It grows every day and I am impressed with myself, it is my personal accomplishment. I have this overbearing voice in my head that I should do something with all of that documentation, poetry, theory. But I am sitting on it, probably afraid of how I feel about it...I don’t know. Basically, I want to put across the notion that I am living life very well right now, I hate my job, but am happy. I am (always) struggling and working through it. I think in the next few years I will be dangerously close to becoming a whole person. Scary. I hope Ireland has treated you well, and that everything is going terrific. Get together some art and give me an excuse to visit, I was in Olympia this weekend, so NY is due! Hope to see you soon, take care. Peace.Love. Brian
11/13/02
FROM: Alexandria Thompson
how is it goin? I'm finally getting the opportunity to sit down & write after getting your letter a few weeks ago, I'm sorry (smiley face insert) I've been trying to get my life into some kinda order not that I'm completely lost, just kinda side tracked... its challenging too because it took this long to decide that I was gonna do it & stop complaining, you know how that goes... I forgot how independent I am when I'm alone its not a bad thing, I like it, after being in a broken relationship for so long I think you learn to appreciate the time you have alone with yourself... it feels better to be alone with yourself, then the loneliness it does when you’re laying next to somebody... for once in a long time, I feel at total peace with myself, God that’s an incredible feeling, I wish I could put that feeling in a jar & sell it or something that'd rock... I do alot of analyzing people, it entertains me well actually I don’t do it intentionally, but I have this wonderful invitation that really is cool because when I meet someone I can read them like the back of my hand, & most of the time I don’t let them know what I know, unless they're at the same level as me, but when I do tell someone alot of time they get freaked out... I cant remember what I wrote to you in the last letter, but I don’t wanna repeat myself either... When I see people it's a shame that so many people live their whole lives & never even come close to the true meaning of life I mean the word life means living & people are walking around like zombies & doing the "right" thing... What the hell is the "right" thing anyway? really... is the right thing to go to college, get a job making 6 figures a year, get married & have 2.5 kids? & who the hell says its the right thing... this is where I found out the meaning of life (now if you write back, I need some serious feedback on this) my life is completely yin & yang life is really... if you think about it... Have you ever felt completely guilty about something you did that you knew was the "right" thing & then let someone or maybe even yourself talk you into feeling guilty & saying I wish I hadn't done that because I knew it was wrong..? But when you did it you felt absolutely confident in doing what you did...? Why do you feel different now? Why is your guilt leading your life & why cant you control it? You feel awful because you did something & you thought it was right & then!!! Someone disagrees & says man that was so not right so you start to wonder shit maybe I didn’t so you allow yourself to cry feel guilty & total shit which leads to shame which came from someone saying it wasn’t right... I can say everyone has been there... now this winds down to the guilt & how "wrong" makes us shameful...I wanna know where this book of right & wrong comes in...& who wrote it... So okay...really in reality no one cares what you do only 2 people you & everybody else...& everyone else doesn’t give a fuck. so okay...people are so stuck on "If I do wrong then I'm gonna suffer..." What I figured out is you are not judged by what you have done but what you are judged on how you feel about what you have done...so simple. I can guarantee you Hitler is sitting in Heaven because he thought he did the right thing & he felt he did... & that girl that slept with 300 men & enjoyed every minute of it is just as well... because they thought it was the right thing & never felt guilty about it...as I get older the idea of "having to be married" makes me laugh... I think hey its great, get married have a party woo hoo! But I also don’t think humans are quite evolved enough to dedicate their lives completely to one person only & its only natural to wanna have contact with another human etc... animals don’t marry if you wanna get married hey try an open relationship its fun, hahaha... does that kind of dedication to one person really exist? I wish it did but again we are only human am I insane or just way too open minded? I had a wonderful experience with a good friend of mine probably the most wonderful sexual experience I have ever had & we weren’t in a relationship but 'it' was amazing & it was the longest experience I've ever had... completely wonderful & when I left his house I didn’t feel awkward I felt refreshed & we haven’t acted any different towards each other but I enjoyed it & would do it again so... & why is it if a girl sleeps with 20 guys she’s a slut but if she has 20 boyfriends in 20 years & sleeps with the, she isn’t? anyhow... I cant think of anything else to say but write back when you have some free time kiddo (heart) Always Alexandria "Be grateful of every moment you have to remember good & bad..." (with the same letter, but different ink and no date) ...walks but never speaks no one would be able to understand if you knew what his mind had to say... Unless maybe, just maybe you're the same... is it possible for another someone to live and think the same way? for a minute I thought I was losing my mind, well whatever was left of it anyway... how do you stay sane when the world is constantly poking at you trying to aggravate annoy & diminish your hopes... normally you'd fight back but this one time you said no I'm not & there lay the answers to all your unanswered questions...is it really that simple...? It's funny how we try to model our lives after something that is non-existent... I guess maybe its the hope that somewhere or someday it may exist...fantasy...reality...dreams of becoming that just fade away...wake up tomorrow its just another day... I wrote this at 3:00 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep its about "him" but "him" is alot of people... miss you. Love Alex (continuing with a new pen and no date) ...if you get a chance rent that move..." ...I'm so glad you wrote...this is my favorite pen, I come across it every once in a while... I lost your address & I did write a letter, it took awhile to get back because I'm kinda going on a whim of analyzing & enjoying this life that I put off for so long... So I was watching this movie called "Sweet November..." & I swear it was written for me... maybe about me... maybe no one else understands it quite the way I do...you ever hear a song & say god, this song was written for me about me & my life... Its like how do they know?! It makes me laugh cause I do it all the time... I also like when they don’t make the lyrics quite as obvious as some musicians so you really have to wonder what the song could be about... I wish the world worked as the barter system still & everyone didn’t have to worry about money & everything was taken care of food clothes shelter & if you wanted more you worked harder & that’s all... there would be so much more time to enjoy life’s little things... I always liked the cold weather, when it snows I'm happy... I like sweaters & scarves & hats & mittens & I really like Christmas trees but what I love are those guys from the Salvation Army who stand outside ringing bells for donations... I don’t care for presents or fancy dinners I just like Christmas trees & fireplaces where I can sit & think or write or sleep there isn’t a rush... for Christmas I think its fun to recycle gifts well if you have a group of friends you all wrap a gift or something of your own that you are willing to give up & pass it on to a friend there is no spending involved just laughs & sharing, it could be something you hated or loved... anything... that’s fun & it all lays in front of you... I lead a crazy life I'm very yin-yang...nothing about me matches together, but I love that (I think I may have written that in the other letters...) I wish I knew everyone in the world if only there were time... some peoples lives include me a short amount of time others much monger but I've never really been forgotten...some people don’t realize who I was until I'm long gone & some people never do quite understand why I do the things I do & that’s okay... I know & you can only explain a million times & they still don’t get it... some people need to be taught, I taught myself... I used to think you only know what your taught...wrong...that’s why we have minds of our own learning is the best part of living feeling... life in a pill... I love you. there isn’t any specific reason to why I do its just all of many reasons to say it... I'm not afraid to tell people I love them...its a wonderful thing to say, it should be said more often. Eternal (heart) Me
TO: Kelly Paleczny
As a child I took everything way too literally. The things I saw on TV, in commercials, I believed them. I wasn’t afforded the luxury of knowledge, of the difference. When I finally figured it out, that the world really isn’t glossy and that Ronald McDonald really isn’t my best friend, I was old enough to feel and remember. I felt left out of society, washed up to shore and then cast away in the bush. I think this is where current struggles spring from, from believing society, then finding out the hard way, then blaming society, to writing it all off and attempting to become whole, to protect others from the captivating screen of lies that is forced upon younger generations. I met a girl last night, I had seen her before and was intrigued. The reason I was where I was was because of her, because I knew she'd be there. But, I had no intention of breaking my silence. Why? It goes back to the years of glossy untruth childhood. When I spoke out against what tormented me then, I realized I couldn’t go under its protective fold any longer, I was washed up and the ship was too far out to swim back too. I didn’t want the same to happen here, I didn’t want to talk to her and find out that all I thought and felt she was, actually wasn’t. But I met her, because she talked to me. She broke that bubble boundary so, now, staring accomplishes nothing. We have been breached and briefed, it is okay now. I feel, now, that if I don’t talk to her it is kind of like an insult, saying that she isn’t good enough...which is a good thing, because it is just the kind of motivation I need to push myself into the realm of "standard socialite", and how wonderful it would be to have a moniker with "standard" or "normal" in it. Truly amazing that it takes all of this time and effort to establish even. Think of how it could be when I actually get my head above water! Through this onslaught of memorable realization, I am doing well. It has been a long time that I have been bombarded by thoughts like this, sometimes they are processed (like this one), sometimes they are simply stored away and forgotten about, re-filed in the wrong place and tough to find again. And through these times I am not being easily beaten by past demons, I am overcoming previous boundaries. I heard this lyric recently, "We're broke and we're tired, but we've got fire; the billboards above us all say that they love us; we carry our own boundaries and we can put them down." Woven (that's the band). It really hit me when I heard it and reciting it digs it deeper into my being and I smile, because I have begun to drop the baggage of boundaries and become free. Peace.Love. Brian
TO: Frances Trujillo-York
This doesn’t promise inspiration, it isn’t even geared toward it; basically, life is an odd experience that is granted to those who truly live. I am never sure, never. I live in my life, kind of like a guest, and sometimes I feel wholly unwanted. Why? Well, I see so many successful people around me. And it isn’t any kind of measurable success, it is just an off kilter interpretation of mine where my eyes lock on something and it brings to life images planted in my head (from childhood to yesterday) that click in my head as success. I don’t know if it is just me, or if it happens to everyone, but there are multiple times a day when I feel inadequate. And in filters into every nook of my life, from meeting people to riding my bicycle. I trace it back (and this is just guided by pure thought, although I sometimes wish I had some sort of clinical paper that verified these thoughts) to my childhood, when I was purposefully pointed at and intentionally made to feel inadequate. Through these rough impregnable times my mindset pertaining to self was formed. And every day I am busting something inside myself that felt like stone for so many years. I am in a sort of rebuilding phase, where I am actively delving into my mindset, breaking barriers and trying new things. And after I try so many things, I will find one that truly fits me, I will find a self that is reducable to one, to me. I feel very good about it. I am scared alot of the time, but that fear that I feel pushes me to overcome it. It is really hard, I am on my own, totally. I had planned to undertake this task of self-reformation here, but coming into it I thought I had an ass-kicker/confidant, Steve. I came through the tight end and realized this thing must be done by me, for me, and that way will offer the most benefit. Steve and I have intensely conflicting schedules and he is developing a very different part of his life right now. So, because of all these things, we sometimes hang out on the weekends, but we are currently in different worlds, both living. But, I feel very good about the chosen paths, and I am not attempting to live his life vicariously, so we don’t really talk "what’s going on" anymore. I bought a phone card a few days ago with the intention of calling some people. I have not called anyone since I have been here. A few people have called for me, but that is all. I do not feel bad, although it perplexes me when I think of why I am not calling people. I don’t know what it is, and I will probably use it soon. Life is mostly stable (closing) I have the job, and myself. No friends other than roommates and miles of expanse flowing in front of me, teasing and taunting me to roam it, to live this life. Might as well, we are going to be together for awhile. Peace.Love. Brian
11/16/02
TO: Alexandria Thompson
Raging River. Running through it. Getting wet. Life. Imagination is a great thing, being outside of yourself is better. Living without boundaries is best. Imagine something so much more than you could ever think of, for yourself. Imagine a room full of people and foraging amongst them, being, a being, in life, and living like there is nothing outside of this room, but everything still exists, everything is in this room, this room is your life...you are everything. The power of imagination. Now, that you are life, you are everything, go outside. If you are everything, then there is nothing outside of yourself, everything is contained within and it is a heavy feeling, burdensome. Open your doors and let some of you out, let some of everything outside of yourself and retain memory. You create the life around you by letting yourself, your everything out to mix with others, other :things". Now you are letting a few things out and your everything is growing with interaction. Now, drop all boundaries, retain the memory of everything and let it go, let your life be an open field or forest, what comes, goes. Memory of those things makes life brighter. And your room is brightest of all, after the rain, sunshine, the rainbow, beauty. Even during the rain, sometimes the sun shines, never give up hope. Nothing is impossible, nothing is unattainable. I am not sure about feelings, I feel good. I take my surroundings and find in them: POSITIVE. I hope you feel good about life. I feel mostly out of touch with all life that isn’t mine right now. And that is okay. I am taking progressive steps to inject myself back into life, into everything. I remember. I don’t know what direction I am heading in, but I am going full throttle, AHEAD! I am happy about it, this west coast living, for me, is like a drug...I guess all living is like a drug, this is an upper. I pop that pill every morning, the pill of life, and I am jump started into action, mind racing. I wish sometimes that I could write with my left hand too, because my right hand gets so worn out sometimes. It is alright, I need to get this stuff out of my room and into life, it needs to mix with every other thing and grow. And, I feel positive about my efforts. I only wish every other person felt this way, they may, my wishes could already be reality. I'll never know. Well, maybe. It has been awhile since I have last heard from you, I trust in life’s certainty that you are great...and improving with every movement of muscle. I know that here, for me, every day is something to smile about and every night I dream and remember. My real world and my dream are almost parallel. I am almost living life, in a dream. Peace.Love. Brian
11/20/02
TO: Diane Curtis
Do you remember those times I would be sitting in my basement and talking quietly, about something. It seemed like I was somewhere far away and talking. You were the only person to talk to me then, when I recoiled. You never asked me what was going through my head at that time. I don’t know why, but I do wonder. I wonder because I think you must've wondered and your not asking has led me to tell...amazing train of events. Well, maybe not tell, but ask myself because sometimes I don’t even know what I am thinking. And, especially at those times, I cannot imagine what was going through my head. But I think about it, because I feel, in my life right now, like I did when I would sit in the basement. Then I was having amazing thoughts that I couldn’t process well, so I shut myself off to deal with it. And sometimes I would try to relate to you that which was on my mind at the time. Now I am having amazing thoughts with numerable outlets that I understand. I was very surprised with how you dealt with my insistence to be difficult, I think that it was amazing. And even more amazing that you continue to seek it out by planning a visit. Should this proceed as planned, you will be only the third person to ever visit me across long distances. The other two are people I hold in high regard and, well, I just never assumed that our relationship would blossom like this, I hold you in high regard too, you are on the list. This is not the direction I had planned for this to go. I am at the Red and Black Cafe, and I am not talking to anyone (although someone talked to me). A typical letter from me includes just random thought (and an equally random name at the top) and this has shaped into genuine discussion. I think you are an amazing person and am really happy with how we have grown together. I have a short list of friends and you are definitely on it. You have been for awhile. It is a good thing. This praise is uncommon for me. And it like when I start I find it hard to stop. So, basically, Portland is 100% wonderful. My days and night are full of discovery (mostly self) and I regret nothing. Everything has a positive effect. I write alot, mostly to myself, I spend most of my time alone, and that is okay, I read alot too. I recently read a self-help book on how to love myself, and it helped. Basically, it is hard to generalize, but life is amazing, it is great, it is everything I never thought it could be and everything else. Beauty, it is in everything and I am finding something. Life is steering me and my being, I am seeing everything and enjoying what is. Yeah, so, as with everything I do or say, take it however you want too. I am just happy that I have another friend. Peace.Love. Brian
11/21/02
TO: Catherine Henry (UNSENT)
I wonder if I ever made myself totally clear. I probably haven’t, as I most usually do not. When I was a child, growing up, I was surrounded by life, and I was constantly at the wrong end of it. My parents were both drunks that lived amicably together, but not really together. I had no one to look up to, I read alot and watched TV, formed myself by the suggestions of a color console in my parents living room. When I got into the part of school where cool mattered and to salvage a little self-esteem I stopped wearing sweat suits. It doesn’t help though when the ridicule comes home. My brother was one of the more recognized, favorably, people in the school. I had him to look up too. He told me stories of him and his buddies going out, getting drunk, getting girls, and it got my attention. But, I couldn’t latch on, it was too fake for me to subscribe too. But, it lived with me. It was rough for me, growing up. Then my parents divorced, my brother moved out, and my father sister and I skipped town to live with my fathers new wife. And I was thrown, all of a sudden, into a new beginning. I could be myself (what there was of myself) and start over. And I did, I totally started anew, filling my life with new ideas to build on. Things went great, I repressed everything from my past. Now, because of that repression, certain things come back in various forms at odd times and I deal with them as they arise. I am better at dealing with things now, and I don’t regret any actions I undertook. So, then I went on with life, and formed my convictions, learned how to live life for me. Then I decided to turn back and try to help my family. From California, for more reasons than I know, I went to Indiana and the first thing that crossed my mind when I met my brother was that everything was going to be different. He is an amazing artist, with no drive. His stuff, his ideas are fresh and brilliant, but stay on the ground. Originally we were going to collaborate and begin his art career. So, we move din together. And I got to watch firsthand why nothing went anywhere, he was a drunkard. Instead of cultivating his talent, he got drunk, met girls, got laid. Kind of like he did in High School, but I no longer looked up to him. He would say that the reason I was so against him was jealousy. So I became him, and showed him I could be him and me. Whenever I tried to show him the error of his ways he would become angry and take it out on himself and then on me. I wont delve into details, but his drinking and my hope destroyed our relationship. I exhausted my being to try to help him and I lost, and it hurt. It was quite discouraging. When I got out here it was great. After I really saw you recoil into alcoholism I stepped off. I have had enough experience fighting emotional battles and losing.
11/25/2002
TO: Frances T-Y
I have been doing some thinking. I re-read Siddhartha and recall at one time you comparing me to Govinda, Siddhartha's childhood friend. You were saying this meaning that Steve was Siddhartha. At the time, I didn’t like that. I took it as a cut-down, you saying that in my life, the best I could do was follow Steve’s lead and one day subscribe to a particular agenda only to realize late in life that I should have followed Steve, or whatever. In an email you wrote to Steve (he let me read it) you said that you thought I would not stick to my convictions.. I also took this as a character attack, until I thought deeper on it. In the first case, I still think you are wrong, but that is just a lack of facts. Neither Steve nor I follow the other, we feed off of each other to progress. I think Steve would agree. In the second case, you may be right and prove your original statement false. In Siddhartha the book, Siddhartha the man deviates from his path, not Govinda. Siddhartha is at first a Brahmins son, following the path of Brahma; then shifts to a Samana; and then, wildly shifts to become a Kamiswami (?, businessman); and then to a rower. Basically, the point is, that to attain truth, one must deviate, understand all sides. A Rubix cube is not solved when one color is complete, but when all colors are lined up. Thus is life, life is not complete once a person masters one aspect of it, but all facets. In order to do that deviation is not only apparent, but necessary. So, I have gained things from analyzation, as many people would...if they took the time to analyze. And, I haven’t always done this, it is actually something I recently learned to harness. And, not only is this letter for pointing out disparities, it is also to give thanks. Thanks for your honesty. I like it. It brings out the best in me when people tell me how they really feel. And, in ways, you have done that...not always deliberately, but this is also an invitation for you to do that. I should like to keep our relationship on a very honest level, if there is anything of me you wish to know, ask. I wish I could tell that to ,ore people and that they would actually ask the questions. I have always been me and regardless of the mutations I envelope I should hope that my self stays forever intact. So, feel free to write back, or not. I would like to know what you are going through, how you are thinking and feeling. Life is wonderful. Peace.Love. Brian
TO: Rob Abele
In this life of mine, I have known many people, chance meetings, life-long friendships, one-night stands, whatever. I have noticed that people tend to gravitate toward me. When I first recognized it, it was dismissed as a cruel joke. Then I studied some astrology and came to the conclusion it was merely the sign I was born under, I was born under LEO, the lion, the leader. And, many times in my life I have attempted to play down and outright denounce that heritage. I tend to like being absorbed in myself and look with ignorance and misunderstanding of the life that promotes the gravitational pull I was previously speaking of. It also runs in my family, my father, my brother. I don’t like it. The way I view my person, tends to denounce these "inherited" traits. When I went from California to Indiana I had every intention of cultivating my "self", and through an odd stream of events, I think I did...although completely detached from the way I had once imagined. It seems to me that my most recent sojourn in Indiana taught me many things, and reinforced previous modes of thinking. It allowed me to understand the capacity I have to influence people, it focused my attention on material gain, and thusly reinforced my previous beliefs against material gain. My overall mindset and the mindset I adopted in Indiana are so contradictory it hurts. Mental pain when thinking about it. But, at the time, the bodily, material, fake pleasures far outweighed and even duped the mind into being happy, content, sane. But, one of the things I harnessed and abhorred, at first the latter and towards the end, the former, was the gravity of my being. It was amazing, it part by personal positioning, but mostly it was because a personal un-understandable force I'll call "peravity", meaning: personal gravity, or the force that draws one person to another. Anyway, this is not the proper forum to introduce new thought, right now I just want to expand on old thoughts. When I first got to Indiana, I felt super-elite so built up that people might pay an admission just to see me. So I dropped myself on a few people that would spread the word, and then set myself up as a chef at a local benefit concert. I don’t think it worked and my ego was justly deflated. So, as I withdrew, things started to kick in and I stayed locked within myself. Learning, cultivating, little. Then I stopped being vegan, started working for my Dad, and became regular. Taught myself how to be regular. Regular, of course, being everything that my house in Indiana was (TV, nintendo, couches, cat, bills, parties, friends, a car, a feeling of emptiness, thoughts of destruction, lying to myself, etc.) and making, or trying to make, regular looking extra-ordinary. I am not sure, exactly, where this is all going, but I know whatever I did in Indiana was not what I went there for. I was expanding in ways that I wasn’t ready for and going headlong like that has a high rate of ending in disaster. So, when Steve was visiting, I took control (finally, and with some reluctance) of my surroundings. In one swift decision my life turned around and I understood. I saw how to wield the power of my peravity. People flocked to me and I continued to be myself, sometimes tweaking one button on the switchboard of self control, and the reaction I received justly turned. The only person that didn’t alter her switchboard in relation to mine is my friend Diane. Coming out of that life and looking back on it, she is the friend I gained from it, the lifelong beneficial friend. And I learned so much about my personal parameters. It was a great turning point in my life, re-working so many parts of myself to say that I am a mostly different person, with all the same beliefs I held before going into it. It wasn’t entirely lateral growth, but not many new things (that I hold onto) have come out of it. The biggest thing, and something I only fully realized a couple days ago, was my ego and how I can manipulate it. The other day, the realization came to me in the form of me admitting to myself that I am an elitist. It was something that had been lingering and denied many times. This acknowledgement and acceptance opens so many doors and roads and really allows me to take my life into account and progress. It is a wonderful time for me right now, things seem a little tight on the surface, but inside it is like diamonds...and the mine is full. I feel that the goal I went to Indiana to attain, I am progressing toward now, and that side road was wholly necessary because I let life get away from me in California. I needed a reality check...to be shown the reality I was escaping to remember and revitalize the reasons I had chosen this path in the first place. When I started writing this, I think I had a very different vision of where it was to go, and to end. I am happy, however, of where it has gone and what has been said. I feel very positive about the future and have every hope I can imagine invested in life, love, living. With every hope, also, I trust your present and future to be wonderful. Peace. Love. Brian
FROM: Frances T-Y
First I would like to say...I'm glad that life is wonderful for you!! (smiley face) I received your letter a couple of days ago and one of the things I've realized while I was reading it was you didn’t just find a new place to live and grow. But you found your heart!! Now I might be wrong but you seem to have found one of the things you have been searching for. I'm so happy for you!! I wish you all the luck in the world!! Well let me tell you a little about my life. First of all I'm pregnant!! I'm about 3 months and I'm sick (sick face) almost everyday. I'm so glad to be pregnant but the morning sickness is kicking my butt!! Hopefully it will go away soon. Brian, I haven’t heard from Steve, is he doing okay?? Well let him know I said hello!! I'm going to end this card by saying.... The tinman found his heart!!! I miss you & send lots of support and love!! Frankie
12/9/02
FROM: Rob Abele (included pictures of him in Ireland and postcards of his paintings)
Well here I SIT.... Nursing a massive hangover from a night out with Mike at the Wheel. Two Sarah Lawrence girls invited themselves to OUR table, you know by the window and began sporting their therios and philosophies about a life they have not yet begun to live, how hard it has been to turn a deaf ear to such well-fed kittens, brought up with all the modern amenities BMW's, travel, french food. You know the types, they wear Salvation Army clothes and spend Daddy's money on heroin and beer. 21 years old, it seems so far away for me, sitting close and talking, laughing did feel good though, even though all would be forgotten at dawn, just another townee Me and Mike are, but I gave myself to these two girls no bullshit, filling their sponge brains full of stories (Puking in the Guggenheim waking up in a police station) Painting trains at 14 in the 233rd street yard whatever, the paint is a connection between two people was made and a memory was all that resulted, a tiny moment floating in space, that’s powerful, if only on a minute scale, it is what being human is all about. I've spent the last ten years of my life worrying about, dwelling on the subject of my paintings, never once thinking about the technique, or how the process of making a painting, creating it. The subject has always been of the utmost importance. I felt that the emotion shared with another individual was the most important. Recently I have been phocusing more on the technique and it is amazing the gift I have been giving myself. I've never thought of myself as a selfish person and in concentrating on my technique I have always felt that this would make me selfish, in spending most of my time on the subject I felt more of a sense of giving so I was satisfied, not any longer my gift is for me, not the world and since I've taken this stance my whole being has changed actually I feel I have more to offer. Your experiences Brian are for you your only setback is that you feel selfish to keep them for yourself. That was my crime and my punishment was 15 years of trying to please everyone but myself. The process of age is what brings you closer to freedom, parole. That is what happened to me at 33. I only hope you awaken much sooner than I and understand that everything you have accomplished is for you and no other. That is BLISS! Love ya brother---Rob--- (on the back of this sheet are sketches of hands)
TO: Frances T-Y
It is very good to hear that you are well. I remember the times when the two of us would sit and talk about life, and you laid on me things that you wanted out of life, and I remember thinking of how strong I thought you were and how good that made me feel. Strong females aren’t necessarily the easiest things to come by. And, with the way the Catherine situation ended up working out, I don’t just take word of a persons strength. Anyway. You once told me of how you necessarily want to have a child right away, and now you are very happy (aside from the sickness) with it. That is a great thing, especially if it is true. I change my mind enough to keep it in tune with my feelings. It is hard for others to keep up with me so I don’t usually try. I think it is good that your situation makes you happy. I am just mildly concerned that you may be compromising too much. It be a little late to make significant changes, I just feel close enough to you to give you my bona-fide feelings, good or bad and I want to hammer it in that you can trust me with how you really feel. I know that you and Steve had a little secret correspondence for awhile. He told me about it, and I told him not to tell me anything about it unless he felt it necessary. He didn’t, until he did. And I didn’t stop him, you can tell me whatever you want about your life and trust that I wont abuse it. Same with Steve, although the secret relationship the two of you were engaging in probably escalated in a way that kind of split the bond. You should write Steve and see what is up, I don’t act as courier. This may come as a shock, but regardless of how good I previously told you life was, it is better. A few days ago a wave of comfort washed over me. And it has been great. I am still looking for another job, as the chimney business really isn’t for me, and we are about to move into a house, letting go of the burden that is Catherine. The story is something too intense to get into, but today I got a feeling (and a letter from NY) that set everything inside of me at ease with that situation. So, the only negative detracting from life is the job...but I am actively pursuing other work that would put me in the realm of personal supremity. I would like to close by reinforcing me as an outlet, with an honest opinion just a few days away by mail. It is an invitation that can be rejected without any remorse, I just like to keep my friendships on an awesome truth basis! Live by truth, and you will truly live! Peace.Love. Brian
TO: Rob Abele
It is amazing the way life works. I got your letter today and after I read it I was in another world. I will break it down for you, in a way I don’t think I have yet. I live here w/ Steve in the mix a guy named Justin from Indiana (Steve’s friend) moved in with us, and we all moved in with a girl, Catherine (whom Steve lived with in Santa Barbara). When I got into town, I started dating Catherine about 4 days into being here and ended it the day before Justin got here. It was a good move on my part because she is bent on destroying herself. I cant deal with people like that very well, and basically things have been squeezing tighter + tighter since the day Justin got here. Living with her, unable to help, has really clouded my vision, made my way of looking very rigid. Reading your letter eased so many things, it was really just what I needed. About a week ago, her new boyfriend moved in with us (yeah, five people in a two bedroom apt.), and for the last month I haven’t been able to look at her (let alone talk to her) without tightening up with pain. After I read your words I went out and talked to her, not friendly or serious, and like it was nothing. I have been trying to care about her or what she does and I think today, with your help, we had a breakthrough. I cannot understand why people pay so much for therapy, because all the answers are right inside of you and you need to employ (without paying) means to surface your answers. And that is what is going on with me, I have set bombs to blow holes through the barriers of life and one just went off, and I feel reborn. It is all just amazing, truly. I was looking through the things that you sent and I am pretty sure this art show being promoted is for 2003. If that is the case, count on my involvement. And, all of a sudden, I am very excited again. So, in the end, I am just taking this letter to let you in on where the past few letters have come from, and to express my gratitude for your friendship. My life would be radically different if your involvement were taken away. I am kind of at a point in life where I am recognizing these wonderful things about my life, and expressing as much. It is great for me, it had been an emotional barrier that was holding me back for quite sometime and that was recently destroyed, I feel that I am moving closer and closer to becoming a whole person and I am very thankful for that. Barring anything serious, I will see you in May! Peace.Love. Brian
12/16/02
TO: BeeJay, Matt
This is going to be arduous, a tough task and something I have been toiling with for quite awhile. It seems, to me, that the grounds on which I made my exit may not have been the most beneficial for any party concerned. Regardless of that, and making the first move towards the future, let me say that most things in life right now are wonderful. I am at the point in a new place where comfortability is natural. Well, for the most part. Being unsure of any news that may have reached you, I will start from the beginning and give only an overview. Upon moving out here I met my new roommate, Catherine, and we started dating. A few weeks of that and I ended it, although we still live together, we are not really on a talking basis. Currently she and her boyfriend live in the "living room" while Steve and I share a bedroom and Justin has his own bedroom. It is all tense on the homefront and we are planning on going our separate ways at the end of the month. That will be a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I have another chimney sweeping job and although I don’t like it at all I am happier here than when I worked for my father. I make alot of money for a relatively small effort and they allow me a company vehicle which I almost never use outside of work. The one time I used it was to drive to Olympia for a day, rekindle so old times, and I have a trip to NY in the works for May. Judging my timeline I will probably be visiting there sometime next summer. I write alot out here, since the demise of my computer I have taken to ink and paper again and that is going well for me. I got some hotspots/hangouts, usually go out for a drink on the weekend, pretty much live a normal life, under the guise of abnormality, whatever that means. I reflect alot on the time I spent in Indiana, it is easy to reflect on a situation when you are outside of it, and I have learned many new things; well on my way to becoming a whole person, formidable in the face of life. I haven’t really made any new friends, but I have some buddies and I meet alot of new people I just feel like I am in a very introspective period of life and it is more beneficial now to not attempt ties. I call it "inactive pursual" I am letting things come to me, in no hurry whatsoever, life is a giving force and wields its power justly. I feel that the pendulum of life is leaning my way right now and I am reaping the benefits. Peace.Love. Brian
12/17/02
TO: Alexandria Thompson
Sometimes, misconceptions are wonderful. I have had a few major ones in life, but not recently, and that sort of takes the sense out of the opening line. Sadly. But, in concurs (vaguely) with some things washing over my person in recent times. Control issues, power struggles, searching for personal meaning in life, a "why" to live. I had sort of tricked myself into believing that I was living for something besides living. Like, I convinced myself that I knew what I was doing, and how to deal with the bullets life shoots at me in relation to "why" I live. I guess that is the misconception I was looking for (as if I am just looking for something that I was wrong about, or at least underinformed). I think, also, just in writing this letter that I had also been deceiving (or lying, outright) myself on the level of my surity in relation to life. I had been of the thought that I had a firm grip, almost a stranglehold on my surity in most aspects of life...it was a balloon, and it is no longer inflated. So it seems that I have a unique chance to re-suffer the trials of surity...or maybe I haven’t even suffered that aspect of life and I have that to look forward too. Yay. I am also overwhelmed with my lightness of being in relation to all of these personal realizations, they come to me and I embrace them, without falter, I accept (where I would previously reject) these new situation of thought that I can suffer through. So, I am moving into new realms of life and taking everything, saving it, because I feel that I will do well with life, that one day there may be a loss of new things to suffer through and I can stockpile some things right now, like vitamin B12. I think that this acceptance is a misconception I previously had as well, I used to perceive suffering, rain, negative, sad as not as good as "good". But, I am beginning to decipher an internal language that says these things are not only great, but sometimes better than things already accepted as good, because these things help close + complete the circle of life, the perpetuate the unity and oneness of life, the good and the bad are the same, they both allow a person a platform from which one can learn amazing things about life. The recognition of this is great in and of itself, the carrying out (understanding) of what is actually being told, well that is one step closer to a whole being. Peace.Love. Brian
12/18/02
FROM: Frances T-Y
You sound great!! Your letters that you’ve written me lately sound like you are having a wonderful time finding Brian!! I cant express enough how happy I am for you!! I've never said this before, but I feel as if I have a new friend!! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the Brian that was here in Indiana, but I like the Portland Brian 10 times better!! Well you write in your letter that you think I might be COMPROMISING TOO MUCH. Well... First I am happy!! But I think you might be right to a point!! It is definitely to LATE to change the marriage and now a new child!! But I've realized that. One of the things I've realized is that I love Aaron! But sometimes its hard for any person to accept the bad. I've made a decision that I will not give up on a person that I love no matter what. As a wife (and a woman that has strength) I have thought, realized and dealt with Aaron's shortcomings!! Yes, its been hard but love is something we all have to work at!! Love can be the easiest thing in life and also the hardest thing in life!! Love is complex!! But I've made a decision and now I am held responsible!! There’s no blaming Aaron or anyone else in my life, its my decision! Anyway I am very happy and have made lots of changes in my life and also helping the one I love "Aaron"!! Soooo I know the Catherine situation is also complex but I really don’t know anything about her. All I know is that you guys started seeing each other and then things didn’t work out!! Please explain!! (smiley face) I don’t know what happened with Steve and I keeping in touch. I think he got a little caught up with work!! "But that’s my view!" It could be different! I will make the effort to restore that relationship!! By the way, I didn’t think Chimney Sweep was for you either!! (sick face) When I first heard that you were doing that again I somehow knew that wasn’t going to work!! You went to Portland for CHANGE!! Chimney work was not change! I wish you luck in finding a job that suits your lifestyle and personality!! You deserve it!! Well Brian you know I like truth, so there’s no problem here when it comes to how I feel!! (smiley face) I miss you and send love!! Love, Frankie
12/26/02
TO: Mary Johnson
Processes of life, the way different people react to the same situation, or similar situations, that is very stimulating for me. I like to tell people that have known me for awhile and grown annoyed with the way I deal with things, I like to say "I understand it is hard to keep up with me, and I don’t expect or recommend you try." If someone sticks around after that, I would imagine a strong alliance forming. The reason for this aspect of my being has to do with personal processes. When faced with a situation I have already dealt with, I like to do something different for experience sake, so I can try many different things; and after awhile, I find something that works best and stick with it. That is why it is hard to keep up, because so many people have fallen to adopt what other people say is best without attempting anything different for themselves. I cal this "blind belief". For myself, that doesn’t fly; and when people ask me what I would do in a certain situation I skirt the question and through a maze of words have them answer the question posed. Sometimes it makes people feel little, sometimes empowered. I cannot make a person feel a certain way, only can I be honest. And, in that honesty I do not feel regret or sorrow in the future. It is an amazing outlook that I have formed over the years. My smile and my outlook on life are the things people remember and similarly like or dislike about me. I don’t try to get people to like me, and I honestly don’t know why the people that do like me hold that stance. I guess this divulgence of my personal processes is meant to help you understand me and to ease any feelings of tension you may or may not harbor. I don’t really like it when people don’t like me, because all that says to me is that they don’t understand me...and that leads me to believe that I could do something different and that would be better. Lately, however, I am closing in on the conclusion that people really just don’t want to hear the truth and are frightened by someone who is so honest with themselves that it spills over into being honest with others. I guess my real reasons for writing this letter are kind of self-centered. I write this to better explain the way I deal with things and live my life in the vain hope that you would do the same. I am doing it because I kind of what to know what drives you. Peace.Love. Brian
12/30/02
FROM: Albert Bailitz
The Christmas check was for you to buy what you want. As gift giving went yours was the hardest to decide upon. We tossed around a laptop or a bike, but both were needed to be picked out by you and what you want. The money was then settled upon. We wanted to buy you something nice, I hope you are able to do that. BTW, are you still in the market for a laptop? I can talk to Tatum & see what is available if you want. Good Luck on the house hunting. I hope you find what you want. I assume it is you Justin and Steve moving only. Bobbie will be checking on your jury duty and will call you. We called Christmas morning, no answer. I got the "grill to go" for Christmas as well as a few other things, biscuit joiner, Frank Zappa CD, Battery operated Foot and Neck massager, choc. covered cherries & some gift cards. We missed you on Christmas morn. We had Christmas Eve at our house, 30+ people. We also got about 8" of snow that night so we had a white Christmas. We are about a week ahead with work, so things are slowing a bit. Hope to work on office stuff & the like so we are better prepared come spring. I figured I'll try this longhand letter stuff. Forgot what its like, but I know you said you like to get snail mail. I do hope you do a change of address with post office or I'll have to resend this. See that’s the problem with longhand, I would have probably deleted that last sentence. I haven’t had a good chance to copy your old letters to a disk yet, maybe before I send this I will. Anyway, enjoy yourself over there and be safe. Love Dad
Hi Brian! Hope all is well with you. Have a safe and great NY eve. Love You, Bobbie
TO: Albert Bailitz
Wow. I'll tell ya, the longhand letter was probably the last thing I expected to see when I opened the envelope. There is good news from out here, we have established solid residency as Justin Steve and I have acquired a house. The rent is $850 a month, it has a backyard, a two-car garage, three bedrooms; and, it is on a sub-street, kind of like a cul-de-sac. The address is 107 SE 52nd Ave Portland OR 97...well, as of writing I don’t know the ZIP, check the return address. I'll have a new phone number and stuff too. I have been using the money well, using it to purchase mostly bike things...a rain jacket, arm warmers, headlight/tailight, gloves, and I picked out a new bike I am saving up for now, as I have to cover Steve going into the house I am dropping $1400 straight away. In the next two months I plan to re-coup most of that, and buy a new bike. It is a 2003 Cannondale "Bad Boy". A very sharp machine, starting around $800. And depending on my funds, we'll see about the upgrades (tubeless rims are enticing, but an extra $600...). So, you had the right idea. Thanks for the thought. I am looking forward to this new year to bring me some good fortune. Hopefully I will be able to find a new job soon. My previous outlooks on quitting before the New Year are no more...this new house has turned things around, now I don’t have that cushion I had previously envisioned...which is okay, because I have settled into this job and am compromising enough to understand the necessity and prevalence of work. The industry slows now out here too, so whether or not I quit things will be slow. So, I am going to have more time to look for a job while keeping this one, which works out well. I am not really looking for a computer now, Steve’s Dad sent out his old desktop setup (which really isn’t that old at all). So, when we move out we'll put that together. For summation, we are all starting to get settled out here feeling very comfortable with very little stress heading into the new year. I feel very good about this year for myself as I am meeting new people and am doing really well with making friends. We are probably going to have a house warming party (party) in January to get to know all of the people we've met better, and parties are usually fun. Hah. Astrology suggests that we run on a nine year cycle, I am heading into a "two" year, the year of relationships, so maybe something significant will happen. Peace.Love. Brian (P.S. You are also in a "two" year...the "one" year is a year of new beginnings...Portland for me, storefront for you...so, we are in sync on that cycle...)
1/7/03
TO: Mary Johnson
Do you have a vision of what life is? Life, to me, is a tumultuous experience that many of us stumble through blindly. Think about it. I know that I've not opened my eyes for as many things as I'd like too. Imagine, you are walking down the street and are suddenly rendered lifeless from an errant motorist. I am glad you imagined it, because now we can compare. I don’t know if that motorist would really be doing damage to me. For most of my time here is this life, I have been wandering, lost and lifeless; and I have to wonder if that moment of semi-conscious-to-never-again, would happy things or missed opportunities run through the last few minutes of my brains activity. Multiple times a day I look at myself and wonder what is holding me back and I've no conclusions, put as per my genetic nature, I continue. My brain sometimes thinks that I have no reason to continue...then my body chimes in and states the obvious: there really isn’t any reason not to continue. And sometimes I think it is this mind/body conflict that fuels life. Sometimes, I think that is what life is. A conflict of interests. And neither party really willing to concede, constantly keeping each other in check just because that is how it is. Genetic makeup, atoms, cells they have no reason to stop and similarly they have no reason to go, the thing that perpetuates this is the fact that they are already set into motion, and it is easier to just continue then to stop. In the mind, we have a reflection of the world filtered through our personal perceptions. This reflection, what does it offer? Doe sit give us a truly genuine reason to continue...most people try to stay sunny and create reasons to live, but the truth to me is that many people are mired from the processes of life and although not constant, allow the thought of non-continuance to infiltrate their thought patterns. I am doing rather well. I can convince myself that I have some valid reason to continue living, but sometimes it is really hard. This all stems from an extreme sense of not identifying with conventional societies. Like, if everyone is one way and I am not is that my flaw or their flaw? Conventional wisdom would say it is my flaw, and the overbearing reason why I continue is to attempt to disprove conventional wisdom and emphasize individuality--a long shot in the face of this future. Peace.Love. Brian
TO: Frances T-Y
Although this letter is going to stray from my individual style, I will submit. You ask for an explanation and I will give you the best I can. I came out here not knowing her at all, she was Steve’s friend and flatmate, from Steve she knew me. I was initially apprehensive to meet her based on the amount of hearsay (from Steve) she had caught. I made the initiative and showed up and she took it from there. On the first night she asked me to sleep in her bed. On the third night she started making out with me. On the fourth night I talked to her about it and we had sex. By the tenth night she considered it and "us" situation...which I really didn’t mind. I had no job, and spent all day out and when I got home we would go out. She made suggestions about how much I meant to her and I started to think we'd have a future. Then, a seemingly minor incident erupted something inside me and I just shut my social self off completely. What had happened? She made dinner. Crazy. She made a penne pasta with a homemade red sauce, chock full of black olives. I ate it and it was good, although I don’t like black olives. Then she asked me what we thought of it and I said "It is good, but I don’t really like black olives" she says "really", "yeah, but its no big deal." (this all happened in September) "No, I’ll take them out", "you don’t have to do that"...but that was a lost statement. Because of my opinion she removed every last black olive, put them back in the jar and the jar back in the refrigerator! We moved out *on Dec. 31* and that moldy jar of black olives was still there. I don’t want to be with someone that does anything to please me. The day before Justin’s arrival I told her I didn’t want to have a physical relationship and she seemed fine with it. That night she got shit-faced drunk and didn’t come home. Who knows what happened, everything was fine for awhile, but she just kept on drinking and basically destroying herself...I summed it up as "I have had enough experience fighting emotional battles and losing" she drank like my brother, even worse, and I shut off my emotion, I couldn’t talk to her without wanting to shake her and yell "CANT YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO YOURSELF?" So, I stopped acknowledging her, I couldn’t help someone that didn’t want to be helped before (my brother) and I cant do it now, that was my reasoning. In Dec. her new BF moved in, 5 people/2 bedroom apt. Tensions were high we split ways...Portland is much better. This doesn’t say close to everything, a rough blueprint. Now, Justin and Steve and I have a house, and she is someplace that I don’t want to know. Peace.Love. Brian
1/8/03
TO: Eminem
On the album "The Eminem Show", you make some strong remarks against the Bush administration, and I would like to see one of the few popular artists that I admire, you, act on this current situation. Jesse Michaels of Operation Ivy said "Music is an indirect force of change", that force is due to celebrity status. In England, in the 1980's, the band Crass released politically charged records and singles as responses to that countries and Margaret Thatcher’s, war advances. This letter is a plea to get back to this, to see influential artists taking a concrete stance against the pushes of war that the American Empire, and the Bush regime are making. I cannot imagine a more recognized artist that could paint a more realistic picture of the state of this union, and outright denounce the war machine. Your influence on the youth will do wonders to inspire the disenchanted to stand up against the "Axis of Evil" that is running this nation into the ground. The level of apathy is only fueling the war machine, and, well, you can read the rest in the newspaper. Anyway, I understand you are very busy, but if you could write and release something like a 3 song single of anti-war political hip-hop, that would help everyone. I know its alot to ask, but if nothing goes through, it'd be nice to at least know your thoughts. Peace.Love. Brian
TO: ??? (UNSENT)
Being realistic creatures, and, in turn, looking at things realistically, how do we justify the reality of American Lifestyle? Honestly, I mean, the plane that America rests on is totally unrealistic, vulnerable, and collapsing upon itself. The picture I get of the American life, being a semi-insider is this: 2.5 kids, split between a mother and a father, a television in 3 out of 5 rooms at least one computer in the house, one out of five eligible to work not working due to a variety of things (excluding laziness), unhappiness towards and feelings of inadequacy in life, a vibrant media to give hope to those that otherwise have none. It is a bleak picture, I know, but from reading the business section of the newspaper, it is reality. The 90's offered America one last chance, and it is all downhill from here...the fall of an empire. And the reasons these "realistic beings" live in a state of imagined reality, fakeness, is the media, this 3 of 5 rooms with television. TV doesn’t stop there are always pictures of other times, images to forget that the rents due and you cant have it: who wants to be a millionaire? We all do! But watching TV is a step away from it, not toward it. There are just so many ways to forget that these times are bleak, and by forgetting, each person is making it worse; they forget thinking "out if sight, out of mind", and that refusal to act, that complacency is the root of the problem. Many people are brought up to believe that someone, somewhere else, will take care of it. When asked to volunteer, so many think that someone else will raise their hand and that mentality leads to no hands raised, nothing is accomplished (except a loss of gumption in the few that do try). I don’t know what all of this means, what it all amounts too, but I know that if we keep doing things the same way we will continue to get the same results. It is such a large problem, I don’t know where to get in, nothing has that level of gusto that is necessary to effect real change, and notions of starting something myself are shot down form the lack of support. There is just a sense of no hope what-so-ever, and that is sad. We are on the brink of war in multiple parts of the world while people here live in utter poverty and public schools don’t have the proper revenue to actually educate children...those TVs do that. And that immediately mires them in that unrealistic world that their parents live in. But, it is way to late, nowhere do I see signs of a u-turn. I try to remain optimistic, but nothing is offered to me, I really just want to get outside, away from this dying war machine. And I don’t think I am the only one. With Hope. Peace. and Love.
1/16/03
TO: Rob Abele
Stand. Look to the east. What do you see? On a clear day, rising to the heavens, the enormity that is Mt. Hood. In full grace, this 14,000+ ft snow covered mountain is a beacon of beauty in the distance, but it is not the only thing that you will see, standing. Shift your gaze to the north and you will see a mountain of destruction, in all its beauty, the talk of 1980. No, my birth didn’t make headlines, but the eruption of Mt. St. Helens did. Seen from Portland, it must have beautifully cold, and disastrous. It truly is amazing now, it is only 8,000 ft now, having lost 3,000 ft from the top in the eruption, that is now at its base...and it is a very wide monstrosity. It is entirely covered in snow, it almost looks smooth on the sides and because we are looking over some industrial wastelands of the north and North-west Portland, sometimes an eerie haze is before it, making it a spectre of itself. Of the two, I prefer Mt. St. Helens. When I lived in Olympia, a girl refused to visit me out of fear of a second eruption...you couldn’t even see the mountain from there. Moving closer to where we are standing, we see to our Northwest Downtown Portland. For a metropolis of more than 550,000 people the skyline is keeping quiet. There is only one skyscraper...standing at 40 stories. The city itself is very inviting, there is an abundance of park space, independent shops, and public art. Yes, public art has been on the rise lately, two pieces being placed within 3 blocks of each other in the past 3 months. Downtown is home to the University of Portland...I have been there once. On the other side of the river, yes, the river. A toxic waterway known to commoners as the Willamette with an exquisite array of bridges, nine by my count. As a matter of fact, this view we are taking is from the Ross Island Bridge. To our immediate east we have "hip" Portland, the Hawthorne district, which is comparable to the Village with its hip little shops and the like. Well, I guess I don’t really know how the Village is any longer, things have probably changed. If we go a few blocks north of the Hawthorne area, sooner we come to my house, neatly situated a half block south of Burnside (the main downtown route, the street those two pieces of art were placed on) and fifty-two blocks east of Downtown. It is a nice position to have, I like it. Portland has five "areas" and are not named originally, the NE, N, SE, SW, and NW sides. SW and NW really only hold downtown, rich people and hills. The SE is hip, the NE is multicultural, the N is the closest thing to a ghetto we have here, the airport is up there. Check it out on a map and maybe paint Portland from a minds eye. Peace.Love. Brian
1/19/03
TO: Alexandria Thompson
Sometimes I really wonder what the word "smitten" actually means. I could just look it up, but it isn’t that recurring. The way I believe it is synonymous with "taken", that, if I am smitten with a person, I am taken by them. Of course, I have no idea. Lately I have been wanting to use that word as an adjective to describe my headthoughts toward another person. I am finding more and more that it is probably not "smit" (as it were) at all. More likely "pure physical attraction", or lust. I guess I would consider myself a lustful being. Which is an odd place for me, it is truly a new feeling, this. It stems largely from my recent past (which was a bust and I have had no genuine desires to carry any of that over), and it is something I am actively working through. Positivity is the working force behind this movement, after I've worked oppression to the surface of my being and subsequently out of my being, now we work through a list of all other ailments. We learn hard lessons, are emotionally and physically hurt, yet we persevere. Such is life, because we are without reason to die, we live. The flipside, of course, is that to be without reason to live, we shall die (and this includes literal and figurative forms of death). So, to skirt this we have adopted a reason to live, each of us has convinced ourselves why to live...if not, then why are we? That is the point. And as my personal why, I have chosen to work through arbitrary emotion, and see what is there; work out oppression and see how I feel; speak to others with a truth that is closely aligned with humility, to see how others are affected. I haven’t tried to live a life within conventional constraints for a noble reason, and that reason is that it is being done by so many that my personal "why" for life wouldn’t be very personal and in effect take me back to the stage of thinking of whether or not death would be easier. And, living on a precipice such as this adds a certain horror, that to slip is to stumble and to fall is to fail. There are no excuses for truth and if another perceives that daring "why" the first reaction is to trip that person. To bring them back down to a socially respectable level. These feelings I am working through betray my being, hence I am pushing myself to stand on firmer ground. With myself + the world all pushing at me I again wonder if society is worth it. Peace.Love. Brian
1/19/03
TO: Tiffany Promise (care of her Mom, and I don’t really know if she ever got it)
You know, I know you do, that life deals odd things to a person, particularly at odd times in their life. It is almost like being kicked while you are down and this onslaught really convinces the weak to succumb. I have been weak. I have not only succumbed, but in due process have also overcome. There are moments in my life where I have been in quite a quagmire and surely enough have had someone very dear to me use their personal strength to bail me out. Whether it is widely known or not, you are one of the few, and on multiple occasions I am in the light of your generosity (in various forms) and this is a large reason for my perseverance. Most recently was the critique made of my behaviour this previous summer. I had fallen and wasn’t (for whatever reason) even trying to get up. You pierced straight through my indifference, took whatever I had in me and gave me a new life. For that, I am quite thankful. At the time, it may not have seemed as such, but I show my appreciation in ways that aren’t exactly common. Or, maybe they are, that is beyond me. I took what you said and turned myself around completely, a 360. It has gone very well, well enough for me to finally give a "thanks". While I am still wrestling with some demons, I have bested many of them and I feel very good about life. After our parting, I had no idea how you felt about things, besides the supreme disappointment in my actions. Because of that I've not made any attempt until I righted myself. For a moment, I'd thought that my actions destroyed our relationship and I should just get over it. I feel now, however, that that would be extremely weak. Things have been wondrous here in Portland, and I hope things are well with you. The trial is hopefully past and with a favourable outcome. I trust that your family is doing better (w/ Jonathon and all). I have been here for about four months (maybe more), become vegan again, minimized possession, I dress in solidarity black daily. I've to find a beneficial job to secure my position here...after that, all will be well. We actively protest, consume mostly organics, like I say, almost a complete turnaround. I feel like I did in Olympia, and those were good times, you know from observation. I feel very positive in relation to life, better than I have in years and I hope that the same has befallen you. Sometime, you should come see Portland. Peace.Love. Brian
1/20/03
TO: Kelly Paleczny
I've always been a fan of leaving that which does no matter in the past. Just today I was thinking of emotional baggage that I've clung too, unfinished projects shying from completion as if it is their place to stay incomplete...minimalism maybe? Lately I've been taking things into account and am noticing a rift in my effort to reward graph. I keep correspondence with 4 or 5 people...irregular with an additional 3 or 4 and it exhausts me to continue to produce for what seems like a Mary Poppins carpet bag...never ending, bottomless. Without bottom, it can never be completed; or, more rightly, is complete in light of that incompleteness. Follow? This would make any attempt feeble, foolhardy, and frustrating. It leads some to completely shy away from that realm, others to scorn it and still others to redouble their efforts...in vain. I've noticed you saying (or by whatever means relating) your inability to complete this correspondence. It is not in my nature to continue forever if these things are totally irrelevant. This said, this will comprise my last correspondence. I trust that all is well and you are wonderful. And that that shall continue. Peace.Love. Brian.
1/21/03
FROM: Frances T-Y
Hello friend! Nice to get a letter from you. Well how is life? Life for me is okay I guess or its as good as I let it be!! (smiley face) ??Remember me talking about my brother?? Well the cops picked him up again. Now he’s in jail again. But this time they made him see a doctor!! Well guess what? He's on meds now. That makes me mad, concerned & scared!! Medicine can destroy people!! Doctors think that the answer to everything is medication!! "BULL!!" Well all I can do is think good thoughts and try to be there fro my brother!! I talked to Matthew York a couple of weeks ago and he said Diane is coming to see you guys!! That’s nice of her to do that!! How do you feel about that? No making out ! (smiley face) J.K. I really want to come out and visit you guys...but there is alot going on right now...Baby, Brother, California! I write California because I plan on moving back I want to move ASAP. But Aaron isn’t going to be able to find a job transfer ASAP. But we have lots of plans going on going to California this year to visit and explore our options. I have a wonderful feeling that it is all going to work out for the best!! Brian, when are, or do you ever plan on coming back to Indiana to visit? I better go... Love, Friendship, and Support Frankie
TO: Frances T-Y
So, here’s the story. When I went to get the mail I saw one for me and one for Steve. The night prior we had words about writing letters, and he related that he would (or should) write you. So, when I handed him his mail, I addressed him as "procrastination" he was not amused. He thought (speculation) that I was being unfair to him, but, it was procrastination. I agree with you on the medication thing (with your brother). Tiffany had been on medication forever when I first met her. One of my first tasks was to get her off of it. I accomplished that for a week, she kicked me out, got back on her meds and invited me back in. Unwarranted medicine is the devil and I hope your brother beats the demon. Diane did come here, true. I think she came here to remind me what I left behind, and as assholish as this may sound, I didn’t and don’t care. I don’t think that she left with a feeling of accomplishment. I never truly understood her reasoning, but as you’ve noticed from writing, I am not the same in this new environment. As life goes on, everyone will get over everything. I've not spoken to her since she left. We'll see what the future holds. I hope that you and Aaron do make it to California, that would probably be a great environment to live and raise children. And on visiting Indiana, I've no plans to re-live that evil, last time I talked to my mother I related to her that I wouldn’t come back for four years...but no one knows. As for me, out here, things are well. I have come to accept everything as it is right now and that acceptance loosens the future, thus making progress easier. As of writing this I almost met a new girl. For which I am very excited. More on that when things develop. We are attempting to bring a fourth into our house, Steve and I currently live in the same room, with Justin in his own and the one Steve previously occupied now empty. The transition from 3 to 4 will hopefully take place before the end of the month. So, that means things are on the up and up. I often fill my head with thoughts of solitude. Taking myself away from everyone and everything I know and not attempting to get back for ...well, how about 4 years? That fills me, escape. And I am on a mountain of happiness, climbing, without sight of pinnacle...meaning unless I fall I am only going to get happier. The same for you, hopefully, and for sure in California. Give Aaron and Juliette high fives from me and keep family happiness alive! Peace.Love. Brian
1/24/03
TO: Mary Johnson
So, now we are in the flow of things, the river of life is also the river our feet are in...examining it through feeling, sight, sound. Seeing if we want to dive in and let life carry us away, or guard ourselves on the banks of life, seeing but staying inactive, dipping our feet, but not really getting wet. We examine the current, speed, direction and we look around, life is like a river delta, there are many estuaries you can dip into and eventually dive into one, headlong and hope it is deep. Then you are swept away. But the delta leads to the ocean. Any river of life that you enjoin your body with will eventually take you to the ocean. The ocean, it can be looked at either way, it could really be the beginning, or forever the end. The end of life, in your estuary, as you know it, and honestly, you have no control once you let that current take you away. It could be the beginning in that you would have foreknowledge of your path taking it into the all of life and working for your causes against the many other waters of life. It is all so wrapped in analogy it might just be easier to just take it at face value. Once you dedicate your life, can you turn around, how much control do you really have, how much do you really want? Questions. And, what if you don’t accept life? There is so much to take into account is the thought that ease would be found by not being swept away, by putting off. I think about it daily, I've tried to swim upstream to get back to my estuary or my point of disembankment, and its not happening. I am learning to accept that I have become life and to do it justice I must continue to live. It is a conclusion that I've labored too, because for a long time I didn’t want to believe it. And I know. If enough people look at their live sin a critical enough manner, some truth might be extracted and people would start to "change the way they live, change the way they eat, change the way they treat each other" (TuPac). I think that moving is a progressive step toward change, personal change becomes social change with enough diligence, and if a person believe strongly enough in their actions an attempt should probably be made to effect (or reflect) that in those around you and then grow and become (instead of just feed) the ocean. I sometimes wish that I could relay these things in a more understandable way, but I think it is also better to try to bring others to my plane of understanding. That way, maybe I can help sway the ocean. Peace.Love. Brian
1/26/03
FROM: Albert/Bobbie Bailitz (includes W-2's, tax stuff)
How’s it going in the new place? Here’s your W-2's from ATCS! I'm getting out of here now to go home. Albert is on the phone yakking to a customer. Hope all is well with you. Give us a call. We don’t have your phone #. Love You, Bobbie
P.S. from your Dad
Robin is getting Joe's IRS stuff squared away. She will do the same for you if you want to file. I think you should consider doing this. Be careful out there and if ya want Robin can work with you thru Internet & faxes. Love Dad
1/27/03
TO: Cousin Lisa
Imagine the time. Rather. I trust that everything is well with you and your business, as I've really heard nothing since the day I departed. Things here are in some sort of order, I am not sure what kind just yet. I am unhappy with my state of employment, in total. The economy here is enough to keep me there, however much I dislike it. There isn’t any other work that is finding me or vice-versa to allow me to do things I enjoy while still supporting myself. So, I started to explore some options that I hadn’t really thought out completely as of yet. Like starting my own business and doing everything I want to with a minimal amount of compromise. Naturally this led me to you, as you own your own business and at one point in time, in one way or another you told me about receiving government grants on account of your minority status...and you seemed rather confidant that you could get more. I am not asking you to get more money and fund me, rather I would like to know by what process you acquired this money, like what grants did you apply for and the like. Basically I am wondering how you accomplished what you have and if you can forward some of your knowledge this way so I may have a go at things as well. Thanks for any help and I'll let you know how things go! Peace.Love. Brian P.S. I get alot of compliments on my tattoo and someday I think we should have it finished!
1/30/03
FROM: Frances T-Y
Hopefully Steve will come around! I made the attempt to write now the ball is in his court. He's the one who will make the final decision on what is best. Diane seems to live in the past! That sucks! For her anyway, ??What was she trying to accomplish?? You refer to her leaving with a void of accomplishment. (This is why I ask.) Well it sounds like the thought was nice, but the reason was stupid for her to visit. "I" think Diane just likes to talk about visiting you and Steve with others. (My view.) I never see her or talk to her, but the little time I was around her she seemed to be fake. Anyway, I agree with you about people getting over the way you left. About Indiana... It sounds to me like your better off in Portland!! You seem alot more in tune with who you are. If you come back to Indiana you would lose yourself again. I asked if you were coming back for my own reasons. Portland or whatever it is you found in Portland really makes you a better human. I think when you write things like......"I am on a mountain of happiness" that’s wonderful. That means there has been a change in your life, and if Portland is what does this, then stay and be on that Mountain of Happiness my friend!!(smiley face) Brian take care and I write soon.....Love, Peace Frankie P.S. Shouldn’t it be....Love, Peace? Without love 1st we have no peace. you always write Peace,Love "It's just a question?? Don’t be offended.
TO: Frances T-Y
I'll answer these questions posed in order, lingering longest on the last question, as I find it most intriguing. I don’t exactly know what Diane expected to accomplish, but she probably didn’t. I think she wanted reassurance that she know who I was and tried (in vain) to tap into her perception of Brian. As you can tell the versions of Brian differ greatly. I was dying in Indiana, literally and figuratively. Because of that I kind of had no feeling, or negative feeling. Because of that void, wait, let me explain deeper. I was KILLING MYSELF in Indiana. I hated myself, what I had become, a slave to temptation and desire...I looked upon my surroundings with scorn, I didn’t care about myself and likewise, I didn’t care about anyone around. I was living just to take up space, I often reflected on how I used to be, how I knew I could be, but everything was backward and working against me. A family that only started acknowledging me when I was away, friends that never changed, back on the farm. Coming from where I had been and allowing myself to re-absorb into that nothingness and not caring to even voice my dislike, it is horrifying. So anyone that came to know me found a fun-loving/death-defying person. Generally in an area like that, a person like that becomes a magnet, a star in a void. I was subject to this and once I realized that I hated myself more. It isn’t that I came to Portland, it is more that I got away from there. Most likely anyplace I went I would find happiness, I just knew some good and potentially good people here. I started to love myself again and that made it easier for me to love others, the insistence of letter correspondence is a means of keeping me one step away from the past. Writing letters people will think more about what they have to say and have every chance to say that. I don’t like phones or e-mail particularly. I know these people exist, give me something tangible with an iota of care...Okay, I have been ranting too long. Diane came out here to find out how I truly felt about her...and I don’t think she liked the answer. She's not attempted to contact me since our parting. I think that in this life we have a much better chance of knowing personal peace than objective love. Why? Imagine, true objectionable love must be reciprocal, if I love someone yet they don’t love me that isn’t true, it is imbalance and eventually fails. Once a person brings peace to themselves (learns to love themselves) then it would be possible for them to engage in the knowledge of someone else at personal peace and this is the pathway to objectional love. At least that’s the way I rationalize it. When I started writing it years ago I didn’t give it much thought and since I have had unconscious debates in my head about that and I immediately had an answer to that. It is a good question, but I am going to stick with it like this. Peace.Love. Brian P.S. I wrote Lisa a letter a couple days ago and have yet to receive a response!
1/31/03
FROM: Amanda Dragisic
I know, I know--it's been forever. I honestly have been meaning to write you back, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. Catching up isn’t easy after so long. It's been a long time, no? (August!) How goes it in Portland (are you still in Portland?)? If Portland is half as rad as Seattle is I'm sure you're still there. Seattle has to be one of the coolest places I have ever been too, and I've barely looked around the place. You should seriously come up and visit sometime. I have awesome roommates and neighbors that I think you'd really get along with. Well hey, there’s some news for you. Rob and I broke up. I moved out of the apartment and into a house with some kids I met through school. It's funny-I've known Rob for six years and I made plans to move in with him and it doesn’t work. Then I move in with 3 boys that I hardly know and everything is awesome. True, I only moved in a couple weeks ago, but they are some of the best people I've ever met. They know the people in the neighborhood too. I've gone from having no friends to having at least 15 people that I get along with, in less than a month. I haven't really been talking to Rob, though and I can't really say that I mind. After living with him and arguing with him everyday for so long, I think it will do me good to not see him for awhile. Anyway, the reason that I'm writing you is to tell you that I finally get it. I never understood how you would just pack up and leave and move to random places. I totally get it now. Everything here is so new and fun and exciting. Not knowing where I am going to be six months or a year from now. I never figured that this kind of uncertainty could be so comforting--but it is. Hmm...I think that about it for now. I haven't forgotten about you and I hope you're doing well. It's been a long time since I've exchanged letters with anyone, so it might take me a bit of getting into the swing of things, but I promise, promise, promise that the next time I'll respond faster. Take care of yourself, dear! Much Love, Amanda Oh yeah, watch the movies Waking Life and Baraka. You'll like them--I promise!
TO: Amanda Dragisic
When I was seventeen, I had a girlfriend, Imagine that! It was a good relationship, everything was great until we were having sex once and the condom broke. I was eighteen at the time, and it was the true turning point of my life. I was scared. If she were pregnant then that would be my life from then on: FATHER, HUSBAND. She got the morning after pill, I've never been the same. I thought about how and why people get stuck, I took stock of my friends, no one was doing anything, it was so complacent and content, I couldn’t take it. So I started a few failed trips into life. When my sub-lease in Chicago ran out I had nothing, just my parents house it was a couple of days before me ninet 19th (hah!) birthday. I didn’t want to get stuck, so I told this girl in NY I was coming to visit and I left without telling but two people. I stole my Dad's car and didn’t call and tell him where I was for a week. I didn’t know where I was. I was lost somewhere between life and confusion. Eventually I found myself and amazingly enough I was a part of life. Nothing before made me feel so free, there were 8 million (maybe more) new people around me, at least 8 million new people to meet and learn from and it was chaotic. I had no control over it and I was happy. That started me on travel, I have no fear of it anymore, the people are there and just waiting to be met, all I have to do is venture to say "hi," or "excuse me" and I am in. And it is great, living without expectations, what are you doing next week? I don’t know that far ahead, people envy that and as a way to deny that envy they also denounce it. You were faced with a similar catastrophic ordeal and did the best thing. Marriage, hah! Imagine jumping off of a cliff before taking reign of that stagnancy. And now you are there, you are part of it, life. Most of the time people don’t understand what I mean when I talk, but it isn’t me, they'll never get it. The nonsense talk is like me speaking their language, I crack myself up and others have no clue that I am attacking their way of life. But Portland is great, not many people are from here, they migrated here, or otherwise just ended up here. There is a kinship that everyone understands each other, it is amazing. I am really happy that you and Rob aren’t together, for varying reasons, but it never seemed like a match made in heaven. And after that, it is good to hear that you have the courage to stick it out anyway, that is a problem with couple traveling, it is usually one-sided and one will stay while the other goes back to that world where things are known. Meeting new people is great, I recently got my knack and met a girl, bass player, feminist, strong-minded, but I don’t see a future. Portland life otherwise has been amazing, what with large anti-war protests, vegan dining, bicycling everywhere, I recently got laid off and I am really happy about that. Basically things can only get better for me, as I am on a mountain of happiness. I'll look forward to seeing your letters, and one day we'll visit. Oh, and those movies, Waking Life is one I've been recommending to people and Baraka just had a theatre run here, but we already owned it! Peace.LOVE. Brian (damn pen is almost empty)
2/3/03
FROM: Jon Woodward
I cant have you mailing me at that address [3 faye memorial] anymore; so if you want to mail me use the return address on this post. I have dived into some exciting discoveries for the vegetarian struggling to survive off of the depleted soils of America. It's called coral-calcium; go to buycoralcalcium.com: you will not regret, it will improve your life. Plants get their nutrition from the earth which is littered with ddt and radioactivity; bigger animals eat this plant material and concentrate the radioactivity and ddt in their flesh, this flesh is further concentrated until it reaches the birds of prey and man at the top of the food chain-s. This is why vegetarians will be "cleaner", but they will die short pathetic lives because the soil is not able to sustain full health, you must supplement. That is all for now; I'll enjoy the music, take care. regards, jon
FROM: Kelly Paleczny
Greetings! Since you are quite self-sufficient, I know this will find you well. I have managed to pull myself out of my 23 year reign of depression, and I am finally pulling myself out of the rut. My letter, I am afraid, will not contain as many ideas as yours. I fear, if I stop to think in the coming months, I might just roll right down my hill of--um, -motion. I hope that makes sense. For years, I sat and stared at walls, this is the first time in my life I am pro-active and it scares me! Currently, I am a custodian. It's the best job I've had yet. I am the 3rd woman there, and the only woman under 50! There are like 80+. They don’t harass me, openly cheat on their wife, or hate women. For once my views on men are questioned (you know I hate you al....) I do my work, and go home. My work doesn’t follow me home, well maybe the dirt smell... In a few months, I am moving out with my friend Daniel. He is the greatest! He is so honest, most people assume he is drunk half the time. He is a massage therapist, so he helps my janitorized back. Him and I want to test run living together for a year + see if we care to move elsewhere. Our friendship seemed to have developed overnight, but I guess kindred souls find each other fast. With my life unswirling out of chaos, I'm stuck with something I barely know--myself. When I first found Buddhism, the first "rule" is--find yourself. And I kept thinking "Done!" But now that I don’t really depend on too many people or circumstances (sp?) I feel kinda stranger-like. And now I'm questioning what I should go to college for--what subject. I really want to go for writing, but you can see I'm not that good... I'm still sticking to my guns + am never dating again--ever. Although I have fallen deeply + madly for someone Dave's friend. He's this Jewish guy who is everytime I see him is doing either crack, heroin, or rum. It was all the elements that make me attracted to someone. It doesn’t matter either way because I don’t think I am attractive enough for him, but I don’t think that matters at all that much compared to the fact that I am never dating again...(that paragraph would be funnier if Pee-Wee Herman read it) Anyways. Keep on keeping on. Being tenacious and all. Like I said, I don’t have too many thoughts about much these days. I guess that’s good. (star)Kelly Paleczny(star)
TO: Diane Curtis
The thoughts I have been living with currently are very beautiful and may shed light on a few things. First off, your visit was very weird for me and I am sure it showed. For some reason, I think you came to tell me the things you did on our last evening together...and I also that is why you were pounding drinks like you were...but I don’t know, all your vacations could be like that. Hah. Steve has moved into my room and at night we have what is fondly called "bed-talk". A few nights ago we talked about the plague that hetero-sexual white males are in relation to society. We checked ourselves and concluded that we were both part of that and the final thought was that we should kill ourselves or become gay. We were half-joking. And I only say half, since that conversation I have run my past relationships across my demeanor and my current situation (with a girl named Haley) and it all added up to unfounded excess. On that last night you asked me how I felt about those girls I left in Indiana and I didn’t miss them; without recognizing it those girls were entertainment and excess. I don’t know what I was doing, I didn’t really care about them, it was pleasure and my only hope was that it was reciprocal, because if they were just going along with me that makes me a complete womanizer, something that can be atoned for but not forgotten and wiped away. My life in Indiana was the epitome of entertainment and excess, I knew it and I wasn’t stopping myself. I learned alot about myself through reflections of that time. After being with Catherine out here, I became unsure of my sexual purity, I have myself scheduled for an AIDS/STD test soon. And I have no idea how it will turn out. That stems from this girl Haley whom I saw myself being sexually active with before the "bed-talk" Steve and I had. As far as my sexuality goes I think that a firm stance of asexuality will do me very good as I have no person that I care enough about to become sexually active with...especially not before the test results come back. As far as I can tell sexuality is in such a mire that I just don’t want to have my name associated with it anymore, and I have enough will power to endure that. Sometimes I think that my life is so backwards that the best (if not also the easiest) thing to do is subject myself to symbolic death with in society, removing myself from it and not looking back. Everything I do has a meaning and a purpose, that said it is hard for me not to give things meaning or purpose, hard to relate to things that seem to be without those seemingly fundamental attributes, that is also a big reason I was baffled by your arrival in Portland. Don’t take it as me being unappreciative, just take it as me being stupid. You said you just wanted to visit, but it didn’t feel that way, I sensed that you had something to say and if that is what came out on the last night, then alright. I'll oblige you with an answer to your question that seemed to have a lot of weight attached to it, the question being what criticisms do I have on your life: You live your life for other people way too much. You are scared of your baggage and as a way of deflecting it you take on that of others, it gives you purpose which is so desperately craved. I don’t think that you are very comfortable with who you are and how others will perceive you, and in turn create petty drams to redirect attention. However, I do think that you do have a genuine interest and capacity to help and that is noble. With a little more attention to bettering yourself and less worrying I think you will be very happy. I hope this only affects your life in a positive way! Peace.Love. Brian
2/4/03
FROM: Frances T-Y
Hello friend!! Brian, did Diane have feelings for you? Your such a woman magnet (ha,ha)!! (smiley face) I'm not sure what you mean when you say...."Diane came here to find out what I truly felt about her"... So please explain. Last week I went to my monthly check-up to see how the baby is progressing!! Well the baby is awesome!! But the doctor told me I have a type of cancer of the cervix. She said its nothing to freak out about she said its very curable. She says that usually with the force of the baby at delivery time it will get rid of whatever is there. She says its common with pregnant omen!! "WHATEVER!!' I'm not worried. If I sit and dwell on the situation its only going to make the sickness worse. So I live my life like I never even had the conversation. "Oh" We pick names for the baby!! If it's a boy VINCENT MICHAEL YORK and if a girl SCARLETT (not sure blank) YORK! Brian how have you been?? How’s the weather? How’s Steve? I hope he received my birthday card. I know he’s not into that stuff. But I am!! Birthday cards are good. About love and peace!! "I" think you haven’t found true love yet that’s why you write Peace, Love. You’ve found peace with yourself, but yet have had the opportunity to experience love! But it will come in time. Now I might be 100% wrong but its just another persons view!! Well my friend, until this pen & paper meet again. Love, Peace Frankie call me sometime!! If you'd like!! ***-***-**** I wont hurt my feeling if you don’t!! (smiley face)
2/12/03
TO: Carol (UNSENT)
It is interesting to me, human interaction...life in general. There definitely aren’t enough people that I connect with enough to converse with. It is quite beyond me and it is something I have been toiling with and working through my entire life. It is something I have grown accustomed too and can understand it. College has been something dreadful...I don’t think I could last a week surrounded in a college environment the heightened social level scares me. I've come (made it this far, thankfully) to the conclusion that its not the conversation aspect of it, I can hold some pretty intelligent conversations. Whatever, this is straying from the point I had set course for. I will give a person nearly anything they would ask for, the problem is that the silliest most arbitrary things are requested of me. So I shy form those engagements. Recently a girl flew over 2000 miles to talk to me in person and ask me what I thought her faults were. She was drunk at the time and her question wasn’t answered. That is silly. And, moreso, it is the buildup to those requests. The petty/meaningless conversation that must be labored through, faking all the while to come to a point where person A feels comfortable enough with person B to put forth such and such a question. Rather I'd like my personal interactions to center more on truth. "This is what I want, will you oblige?" or further down the line, do you agree with me on such and such a point. Again, I am moving in a gray direction that may not be easily understood, definitely I don’t understand what I am saying. So I recoil from social interaction into environments that aren’t quite explosive like these letters. Honestly. the main reason I move toward hand-written letters is the control, the care, foresight, insight, plus through hand-writing more things than words are read. And that is the kind of things we are looking for, inner meaning. What is really being said, and furthermore, implied. You shouldn’t have any idea who I am, and likewise, I have no idea who you are. This is a project. How do two people unknown to each other grow within these boundaries? Is there anything gained------ This is all like a leaf flapping in the wind, eventually the gust will have enough force to remove the leaf from the branch and then flutter to the ground. How does that tie in? I asked the same thing as I wrote it and eventually something came to: I will be the wind, blowing (skirting with disaster--or perfection) at the leaf. The leaf will be the idea; and eventually I will catch the idea in a proper way to grip it with understandable language and bring it to the ground. Or, you can replace yourself as the wind...after all, you could be much closer than I am. You could be anything, I don’t know. And, on the flipside, (to throw this off) I could be anything, I still do not know. This is all odd for me, without understanding who you are I cannot move this piece in a direction that would appease you. To finish I am forced to move in ways that I want too, to do things my way, more for myself, to see where it gets me. Too much, in this life, is done to please others and that is the principle reason why this is so foreign and...hard for me. Through writing this I have found myself pondering and envisioning who you may or may not be, how this could be something wonderful or it could be out the window before these last words are read. It is all quite a wonderful series and I feel that if some thread opens up this could become something that I align with amazing. Anything less that yourself would be a let-down. Peace.Love. Brian.
2/18/03
FROM: Albert Bailitz (in package that included: mini flashlight, 2003 calendar, small notepad, tin of altoids in heart shaped container, roll of duct tape, WIRED magazine)
How are things at the new house. By the time you get this we should be in PA at the NCSG Convention. I figured we better send your Christmas gifts before next year! Not a whole lot going on here. No snow. Work is fair. Spring is just around the corner. We will be leaving for HI and be gone from 3/5-3/19-03 for "Sweeping HI Convention." I wish you luck on the job search. Write or email soon! Love, Dad. Bobbie sez: "Happy Valentines Day Brian!"
2/20/03
FROM: Diane Curtis
To tell you the truth, I was quite stunned in your letter and am not exactly sure how to respond and articulate effectively. I'm used to talking about things in person so things will not be taken in a literal sense, but this letter will hopefully communicate where I stand. First and foremost, I want to make clear my intentions for going to Portland. I wanted to see you! No more no less. I wanted to hang out with you--I wasn’t expecting fun entertainment and tours or wild parties. I believe I told you about how I was starting to evaluate friends in my life and how close I view them. Aimee, you and Meghan are the people I hold highest and value for an infinite amount of reasons: wanting to truly get to know the real Diane, the understanding within the relationship, the care and concern within the relationship, etc., etc. These are the people I would do almost anything for and enjoy hanging out with. For any of these people I would visit if they moved somewhere else because I would miss them. Brian, I know how you are and that you are not especially keen on constantly keeping in contact with people when you move away (except the letters recently). I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you wouldn’t normally travel somewhere to visit a friend doesn’t mean that I had to have an alterior motive for visiting you in Portland. While out in Portland, I felt as you did that things were different. I am attributing it to the change of environment though. I know you felt strange having me visiting you, but I cant say that it wasn’t reciprocated from me as well. We were both in a different state of mind than when you departed for Portland. You seemed a lot more free and happier and I was dealing with some new changes coming up and re-evaluating certain situations (friends, job). I think to a certain degree we were both surprised that I even went out there. At least on my end--not because I didn’t think that I would follow through but because I didn’t really think about being out there in your new environment. I'm glad I went there though, because I had a great time. The crazy-fun factor wasn’t there (like some parties of the past), but it was nice to sit down with you and talk. Brian, you truly seem in your element out there and I'm so happy to see that. I only hope that you continue to find happiness wherever you go. Because up to the last night I was in Portland--I can see why you thought I had things to get off of my chest. In all honesty, I didn’t really think about any of those things prior to that night nor did drinking cause me to bring it up (Aimee and I just happen to have high tolerances and happen to drink alot at bars--I was not even close to being drunk). The one key thing I remember communicating to you that popped up in my mind--is when you continually brought up this summer that I wanted to make out with you. That is probably the only thing that you have said to ever piss me off. I have always valued you as a friend and didn’t really ever see you that way. You are a great example of someone who I see above that. In all honesty when you made out with Aimee this past summer, I was slightly weirded out not because I wanted to be in her position, but because I spent the whole summer watching a lot of men want her and I wondered why. It hurt a great deal after everything you said at the Park West, "Diane, I'll make out with you if you want." I know at that point you were tired of the region and I don’t think you meant it the way I took it but I almost felt that I was just another girl/gamepiece/friend in your life. It did stick out in my mind, and that is why I brought it up that night. As far as bringing up what you think of me, it wasn’t because I want to base my opinion of myself on what you said, but just to see how your perception of me matches up to how I see myself. I think I have grown a great deal since we first started becoming close friends. There are few peoples opinions that I value: my family, Aimee, Meghan and you. Sometimes an outside perspective can be refreshing to hear and can give a new way of looking at things. I hope this clears up things or at least gives you my perspective on things. Again, I wanted to hang out with you when I came out to Portland. As far as everything else you are going through right now (tests), I wish you luck. You may remember that I went through something of a crisis in the past which I remember telling you. Luckily, everything turned out ok, fine, and good and I will pray that the same happens for you. Please let me know how things go and remember I am here if you need to talk. Good luck, have a fabulous day, miss you! Love, Diane
TO: EVERYONE (final)
Life has never really attracted me. Or, maybe at one time it did and now it doesn’t because I've wiped a few layers of shit off of my eyes. And I begin to actually see. This isn’t something that just happened out of nowhere. It has been cultivating inside me for years and I've just never really understood how to process it. Attempts have been made to inject myself into society and flourish with it, the two of us growing and learning, changing together. I have finally realized that is not possible right now. The attempts have been shut-down and sometimes I feel lesser because of what I put myself through. I don’t like to give up on things. With what I am doing now, it doesn’t feel like giving up...more like growing up and above this world of lies that constantly tries to pull me back into it. I feel very good about what I am doing, this symbolic death. Societal death. These attachments (...) that draw me into this hell are being left behind. I no longer connect with that which I leave, and these things unconsciously hold me back...I've let them, but no longer. Thanks for understanding (if you do, but if you did then these words probably wouldn’t reach you...whatever). Peace.Love.