8:36 am

tick tick tick.  Seconds ticking away down to the dredges and leaving.

it isnt't even an option anymore, soon I will have to leave.  but i guess that is growing up and that is what i have done.  i think back - every now and again - on things that have come and gone in my life.  things include people and events, not necessarily possessions.  although sometimes i do think of my old car.  or one of my old bikes.

anyway.   

i think i read or heard somewhere that growing up is hard to do, and i have to disagree.  because it is only hard if in doing so you change everything that used to be.  i am still able to have fun and enjoy the moments in life where time ceases to tick and you feel as old or young as you want and can exist in that bliss for as long as you want.

but i dont want to be there too long.  i got things to do in the present and things to do in the future.  and for me to do those things, time must tick on and i must get older and adapt.

 

bursedays was the worse days
i have this unhealthy hangup that everything i write -- or do -- must be profound. sometimes it is debilitating. not debilitating to live, but to write. i used to write alot, and then compiling it all took away the joy of writing and reading it all required that anything new be worth reading.

i drink a half pot or more coffee per day. that is also unhealthy.

i am going to try to remove the writing stigma and keep something together, i have that strength, and then keep moving on.

i write in lyric quotes that are placeable if you know the song.

the other week was my burseday. i know that because yesterday was my little sisters burseday and she called me because hers triggered her memory to remember mine.

i talked to my folks and my now both my sisters, my brother hasnt called me. i didnt receive anything. i guess when i was younger i did good work to divorce myself from the traditional exchanges. i am not big on celebrating my birthday or any holidays.

it still stings a bit though, to not receive a card in the mail -- even if by design. the severed nerve endings that connect me to this capitalistic life twitch a bit at the memory.

but soon enough.

beech tree - the drunken years
August 1 2006

I guess I overshot the relevancy period of this document. Last night, still at the Mississippis Haus, I read a prepared statement to the folks that convened here and really put myself out there. I just read through this whole document and I think to myself, geez all I want is to live in community and have some roots to really feel grounded. And then I think, maybe thats what everyone wants. Maybe this is wahat life is, a series of emotional events that never allow a person comfort. Maybe this is how it will always be, but it is so hard to ask some elder. Because that exposes a young vulnerability, it says that I am not in control of my life and I honestly am not. I am doing things and feeling like I have a grasp, but really, my life is built with matchsticks and a small breeze can destroy it.

and that is something that worries me. I dont think about it quite like that so much, but I do think about how fragile my existence is.

i have been exploring the portland permaculture institute as an alternate place to live. i have also been looking into buying house with neil and emily and steve. i am still trying to build a credit base. i am still pretty much the same nearly a year later.

and that is a hard thing to digest. that nearly a year has past and i havent even thought of this document, this time capsule. and i open it to see that the things this year are the same as the things last year and if i open /rant/arishedon.html, i will probably see that this is how i felt each year at this time.

i guess the whole point is to just make decisions and try and live and if you find something good stick with it. dont build so many bridges that you get invaded, but dont burn em all either.

anyway, i dont know what i am talking about.

December 14th 2005

I missed the mark. I am not srunk now either, but I was earlier and just poured another drink into that same tin can from the other week. Emily left this morning for Ann Arbor for a couple weeks. I am relatively lost. I dont have any idea waht to do. Neil and I had a longish talk about things in the bookstore today, more personal things. Actually, now that I write it, it wasnt even a talk. It was me being a little drunk and telling Neil how I feel. WE were talkinga bout developments with the neighborhood association, and the messages I recieived from Kay Newell and others meant to be for Yoho. I was talking of my reservations for being so strong with words and actions, and what I heard of his response was "you havent been doing this nearly as long as I have" and then things sort of withered. then he came back and we talked, he asked why i seemed unhappy and i told him that and other things. I have much to accomplish in these 2 days, Arturo, Steve, the world. Who really even know. I sure as shit dont.

November 29th 2005

It is morning, and I am not drunk. I am not usually drunk, but since the title is misleading I felt I should just clarify that. I am not going to only record while I am drunk, that would just be silly. So, it is morning, I will leave for work in about 45 minutes or maybe even an hour. I get up way too early for work, perhaps just way too early for the way I live.

I was making breakfast, toast with earth balance and nutritional yeast and a common pang stabbed my side: a yearning for community, to be out of the city and to be part of something realer than this. I know this is pretty real and alot of what I want are perfections that are rarely manifested as the way they are in desire. But, its what I want/ed. So I went to the bookshelf and pulled down the communities directory. THe other week I looked online for a farmland area to buy. I have also been desperately attempting to establish credit, however I think that in the years of wanting to get away and make it impossible for myself to do these things, I did too good.

Now it isnt impossible, but it would require a paying back of all those tickets from random places throughout the country, and especially in portland. ANd probably paying some past due bills to water and electric companies. So, the porspects of me getting credit with which to attempt a purchase of land are pretty meek. The next best thing, find an existing community to take over. THat is mostly a joke, but I do have alot of energy and want to see something good come from the body I inhabit.

While looking through there, I saw some that I visited earlier this year, Approvecho, Lost Valley, Trillium, which are all extremely nice. Lost Valley is hands down one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen, and Approvecho is a reasearch facility for chimneys and renewable resource burning contraptions. Very cool places. But I think I want to get out of this area and be somewhere warm for a good part of the year. Becuase I want to live in a hobbit house :-)

Anyway, what I really want is a community where I dont have to leave it for necessities, where we can make/grow the things we need. And I think it is still possible.

Last night Emily pitched to me the idea of moving into a house with Ben and Cira. The readers of this may remember Ben and Cira, the workers at the Paradox oh so many journal pages and actual moons ago. THey cam eto live with me at the mississippi haus and we came to be good friends, oh the unexpected twists of life and small town/big city living. Anyway, now they have moved along and would like Emily and I to join them in a venture and I am into the idea. I am into starting a community with folks I trust and want to be around and try to make it work. But this whole urban thing has got me down. Seriously. What I considered most was the travel time from any house that we may venture on to my current workplace. It sucks how much a job takes over other aspects of your life.

November 28th 2005

Today, i worked at UPS. It is something I do about five days a week now. Also, today, I am having cocktails. What started this document also started the third cocktail of the day. My feet are cold. I live in a house without any heat and it is supposed to snow at 1000ft tonight. We arent anywhere near 1000ft, but still. I ride my bike to work in the mornings and my feet dont get this cold.

Vodka tonic with lime. I can only taste the vodka on the first few sips of each drink. I am drinking out of a tin cup because i think that is how it should be done. Somewhere in my mind it registers that vodka should be drunken out of tin, and somewhere in my lineage I am reminded that I should just be drunken. That isnt even half joking as I used to be prone to say.

My plan is to use this space, this document (with years in the title) for only the time period between now and dec. 25th. basically, between thanksgiving and christmas as a kind of update to this life of bht. currently i am even thinking of adding this as an update to the arishedon/rant.html page. WHo knows. But really, who does?

The other month Emily asked why i no longer write like I used to, and I dont think I gave any kind of real answer, I dont know if I could. Also, the other month, I went to my first web page through the initiative of steve (the stalwart friend through the years) and I emailed everyone that I could from the page and tried to see where they were. Only one personed responded and that person only responded once. The person was Nataly Lynn aka Fuck Frankie, from oh so many years ago Florida. haha, I still have it in me.

Anyway, lets play catch up. What, its been three yearsish? In about 2.5 hours I am going to the Humboldy Neighborhood Associtation Meeting to let those folks know that I was recently elected as the the co land use chair for the neighborhood to the south of them. I hear they already know. So it will only mean good things if I go up there and introduce myself.

I had wrote to do an activista.org search of me in the previous paragraph and am listening to immortal technique revolutionary volume 2, and I didnt find what i was looking for about me on activista.org, but i did find it here: http://publish.portland.indymedia.org/portland/servlet/OpenMir?do=search&search_content=&search_boolean=and&search_creator=bht&search_topic=&search_hasImages=n&search_hasAudio=n&search_hasVideo=n&search_sort=date_asc&search_submit=Search%21

There are at least three pages of articles there, track me through that and I started getting teary eyed through the first comment on the article "power to the drunkards"...figure it out. I dont know if I really have a month of this in me...it took all of me last time, it took everything i thought i was to write the basest of me into notebooks and onto websites, it consuymed me and became who I was. I want to be who I am without needing a document to remind me, I dont want to need to write it down to remember anymore, or maybe I just dont want to remember anymore.

What I think right now: what a great first update for the as such titled ne journal.

I am going to go back to looking at the thrid page of the articles I wrote to pdx imc...

I just went to go pee and everyhting hit me like a ton of brickes, it just came down on me. It is amazing how much I can forget about and distance from myself. the other day bobbie called me and asked if i had any time to talk and I said no because i didnt i was expecting to do an interview with the st johns sentinel. they called the next day. i havent called bobbie back yet. i need to talk to my family more i think. i am one quarter of a century old and i have few roots. i dont know what i have or who i am, i am just kind of rolling in the bingo ball roller of life and taking whatever number is pulled out.

sometimes i try to play off as if i know and my life is always okay, that seems so untrue right now, right now i dont even think that i have anything near a grasp of life.

Right, as I say, i dont even know anymore. I hope you all look at the articles I wrote for portland indymedia in the meantime and see where I been. I am sure that if I actually continue this, some of theose articles will help.

heres the brief: democratic national boston 04, republican national convention new york city 04, the DNC2RNC march (a march from boston to nyc), wto/usda sacramento meeting june 2003, free trade area of the americas miami 2003, pres debate st louis 04, BIO conference 04 San Francisco, a couple of conferences (Allied Media 04-05, NCMR 05) and I think thats all you can find outside of portland. Do some searches with bht portland, or something else that I mentioned ( i know alot of blogs picked up the stuff I was writing about NCMR ) so thats it for a three year update, its all already on the web, just not already wrangled, wrangle it and then the next post will get you up to date.