11/20/02

TO: Diane Curtis

Do you remember those times I would be sitting in my basement and talking quietly, about something. It seemed like I was somewhere far away and talking. You were the only person to talk to me then, when I recoiled. You never asked me what was going through my head at that time. I don’t know why, but I do wonder. I wonder because I think you must've wondered and your not asking has led me to tell...amazing train of events. Well, maybe not tell, but ask myself because sometimes I don’t even know what I am thinking. And, especially at those times, I cannot imagine what was going through my head. But I think about it, because I feel, in my life right now, like I did when I would sit in the basement. Then I was having amazing thoughts that I couldn’t process well, so I shut myself off to deal with it. And sometimes I would try to relate to you that which was on my mind at the time. Now I am having amazing thoughts with numerable outlets that I understand. I was very surprised with how you dealt with my insistence to be difficult, I think that it was amazing. And even more amazing that you continue to seek it out by planning a visit. Should this proceed as planned, you will be only the third person to ever visit me across long distances. The other two are people I hold in high regard and, well, I just never assumed that our relationship would blossom like this, I hold you in high regard too, you are on the list. This is not the direction I had planned for this to go. I am at the Red and Black Cafe, and I am not talking to anyone (although someone talked to me). A typical letter from me includes just random thought (and an equally random name at the top) and this has shaped into genuine discussion. I think you are an amazing person and am really happy with how we have grown together. I have a short list of friends and you are definitely on it. You have been for awhile. It is a good thing. This praise is uncommon for me. And it like when I start I find it hard to stop. So, basically, Portland is 100% wonderful. My days and night are full of discovery (mostly self) and I regret nothing. Everything has a positive effect. I write alot, mostly to myself, I spend most of my time alone, and that is okay, I read alot too. I recently read a self-help book on how to love myself, and it helped. Basically, it is hard to generalize, but life is amazing, it is great, it is everything I never thought it could be and everything else. Beauty, it is in everything and I am finding something. Life is steering me and my being, I am seeing everything and enjoying what is. Yeah, so, as with everything I do or say, take it however you want too. I am just happy that I have another friend. Peace.Love. Brian

2/3/03

TO: Diane Curtis

The thoughts I have been living with currently are very beautiful and may shed light on a few things. First off, your visit was very weird for me and I am sure it showed. For some reason, I think you came to tell me the things you did on our last evening together...and I also that is why you were pounding drinks like you were...but I don’t know, all your vacations could be like that. Hah. Steve has moved into my room and at night we have what is fondly called "bed-talk". A few nights ago we talked about the plague that hetero-sexual white males are in relation to society. We checked ourselves and concluded that we were both part of that and the final thought was that we should kill ourselves or become gay. We were half-joking. And I only say half, since that conversation I have run my past relationships across my demeanor and my current situation (with a girl named Haley) and it all added up to unfounded excess. On that last night you asked me how I felt about those girls I left in Indiana and I didn’t miss them; without recognizing it those girls were entertainment and excess. I don’t know what I was doing, I didn’t really care about them, it was pleasure and my only hope was that it was reciprocal, because if they were just going along with me that makes me a complete womanizer, something that can be atoned for but not forgotten and wiped away. My life in Indiana was the epitome of entertainment and excess, I knew it and I wasn’t stopping myself. I learned alot about myself through reflections of that time. After being with Catherine out here, I became unsure of my sexual purity, I have myself scheduled for an AIDS/STD test soon. And I have no idea how it will turn out. That stems from this girl Haley whom I saw myself being sexually active with before the "bed-talk" Steve and I had. As far as my sexuality goes I think that a firm stance of asexuality will do me very good as I have no person that I care enough about to become sexually active with...especially not before the test results come back. As far as I can tell sexuality is in such a mire that I just don’t want to have my name associated with it anymore, and I have enough will power to endure that. Sometimes I think that my life is so backwards that the best (if not also the easiest) thing to do is subject myself to symbolic death with in society, removing myself from it and not looking back. Everything I do has a meaning and a purpose, that said it is hard for me not to give things meaning or purpose, hard to relate to things that seem to be without those seemingly fundamental attributes, that is also a big reason I was baffled by your arrival in Portland. Don’t take it as me being unappreciative, just take it as me being stupid. You said you just wanted to visit, but it didn’t feel that way, I sensed that you had something to say and if that is what came out on the last night, then alright. I'll oblige you with an answer to your question that seemed to have a lot of weight attached to it, the question being what criticisms do I have on your life: You live your life for other people way too much. You are scared of your baggage and as a way of deflecting it you take on that of others, it gives you purpose which is so desperately craved. I don’t think that you are very comfortable with who you are and how others will perceive you, and in turn create petty drams to redirect attention. However, I do think that you do have a genuine interest and capacity to help and that is noble. With a little more attention to bettering yourself and less worrying I think you will be very happy. I hope this only affects your life in a positive way! Peace.Love. Brian

2/20/03

FROM: Diane Curtis

To tell you the truth, I was quite stunned in your letter and am not exactly sure how to respond and articulate effectively. I'm used to talking about things in person so things will not be taken in a literal sense, but this letter will hopefully communicate where I stand. First and foremost, I want to make clear my intentions for going to Portland. I wanted to see you! No more no less. I wanted to hang out with you--I wasn’t expecting fun entertainment and tours or wild parties. I believe I told you about how I was starting to evaluate friends in my life and how close I view them. Aimee, you and Meghan are the people I hold highest and value for an infinite amount of reasons: wanting to truly get to know the real Diane, the understanding within the relationship, the care and concern within the relationship, etc., etc. These are the people I would do almost anything for and enjoy hanging out with. For any of these people I would visit if they moved somewhere else because I would miss them. Brian, I know how you are and that you are not especially keen on constantly keeping in contact with people when you move away (except the letters recently). I guess what I'm trying to say is that just because you wouldn’t normally travel somewhere to visit a friend doesn’t mean that I had to have an alterior motive for visiting you in Portland. While out in Portland, I felt as you did that things were different. I am attributing it to the change of environment though. I know you felt strange having me visiting you, but I cant say that it wasn’t reciprocated from me as well. We were both in a different state of mind than when you departed for Portland. You seemed a lot more free and happier and I was dealing with some new changes coming up and re-evaluating certain situations (friends, job). I think to a certain degree we were both surprised that I even went out there. At least on my end--not because I didn’t think that I would follow through but because I didn’t really think about being out there in your new environment. I'm glad I went there though, because I had a great time. The crazy-fun factor wasn’t there (like some parties of the past), but it was nice to sit down with you and talk. Brian, you truly seem in your element out there and I'm so happy to see that. I only hope that you continue to find happiness wherever you go. Because up to the last night I was in Portland--I can see why you thought I had things to get off of my chest. In all honesty, I didn’t really think about any of those things prior to that night nor did drinking cause me to bring it up (Aimee and I just happen to have high tolerances and happen to drink alot at bars--I was not even close to being drunk). The one key thing I remember communicating to you that popped up in my mind--is when you continually brought up this summer that I wanted to make out with you. That is probably the only thing that you have said to ever piss me off. I have always valued you as a friend and didn’t really ever see you that way. You are a great example of someone who I see above that. In all honesty when you made out with Aimee this past summer, I was slightly weirded out not because I wanted to be in her position, but because I spent the whole summer watching a lot of men want her and I wondered why. It hurt a great deal after everything you said at the Park West, "Diane, I'll make out with you if you want." I know at that point you were tired of the region and I don’t think you meant it the way I took it but I almost felt that I was just another girl/gamepiece/friend in your life. It did stick out in my mind, and that is why I brought it up that night. As far as bringing up what you think of me, it wasn’t because I want to base my opinion of myself on what you said, but just to see how your perception of me matches up to how I see myself. I think I have grown a great deal since we first started becoming close friends. There are few peoples opinions that I value: my family, Aimee, Meghan and you. Sometimes an outside perspective can be refreshing to hear and can give a new way of looking at things. I hope this clears up things or at least gives you my perspective on things. Again, I wanted to hang out with you when I came out to Portland. As far as everything else you are going through right now (tests), I wish you luck. You may remember that I went through something of a crisis in the past which I remember telling you. Luckily, everything turned out ok, fine, and good and I will pray that the same happens for you. Please let me know how things go and remember I am here if you need to talk. Good luck, have a fabulous day, miss you! Love, Diane