10/21/02

FROM: Frances T-Y

Love is not experienced till it is given!! (smiley face)
Well we haven’t really talked much! But I don’t really expect you to call, email, or write. But maybe if I keep calling, emailing, and writing it will show you the importance. I hope Portland is what you dreamed. I miss you and hope to see you again someday!! "I think I will!" Anyway, how’s your new job? Do you do less or more business there when it comes to chimney sweep? I never would have thought you would do that again, but I guess that’s what you really know!! How are you and Catherine? Are you guys a couple or just friends? Or is that any of my business? Have you talked to anyone back here? I would guess not!! But I should let you answer that. Have you talked to LISA?? I really haven’t talked to her since the wedding!! Brian write soon I hope you are doing everything your heart desires..... Love, Frankie P.S. Keep in touch

11/13/02

TO: Frances Trujillo-York

This doesn’t promise inspiration, it isn’t even geared toward it; basically, life is an odd experience that is granted to those who truly live. I am never sure, never. I live in my life, kind of like a guest, and sometimes I feel wholly unwanted. Why? Well, I see so many successful people around me. And it isn’t any kind of measurable success, it is just an off kilter interpretation of mine where my eyes lock on something and it brings to life images planted in my head (from childhood to yesterday) that click in my head as success. I don’t know if it is just me, or if it happens to everyone, but there are multiple times a day when I feel inadequate. And in filters into every nook of my life, from meeting people to riding my bicycle. I trace it back (and this is just guided by pure thought, although I sometimes wish I had some sort of clinical paper that verified these thoughts) to my childhood, when I was purposefully pointed at and intentionally made to feel inadequate. Through these rough impregnable times my mindset pertaining to self was formed. And every day I am busting something inside myself that felt like stone for so many years. I am in a sort of rebuilding phase, where I am actively delving into my mindset, breaking barriers and trying new things. And after I try so many things, I will find one that truly fits me, I will find a self that is reducable to one, to me. I feel very good about it. I am scared alot of the time, but that fear that I feel pushes me to overcome it. It is really hard, I am on my own, totally. I had planned to undertake this task of self-reformation here, but coming into it I thought I had an ass-kicker/confidant, Steve. I came through the tight end and realized this thing must be done by me, for me, and that way will offer the most benefit. Steve and I have intensely conflicting schedules and he is developing a very different part of his life right now. So, because of all these things, we sometimes hang out on the weekends, but we are currently in different worlds, both living. But, I feel very good about the chosen paths, and I am not attempting to live his life vicariously, so we don’t really talk "what’s going on" anymore. I bought a phone card a few days ago with the intention of calling some people. I have not called anyone since I have been here. A few people have called for me, but that is all. I do not feel bad, although it perplexes me when I think of why I am not calling people. I don’t know what it is, and I will probably use it soon. Life is mostly stable (closing) I have the job, and myself. No friends other than roommates and miles of expanse flowing in front of me, teasing and taunting me to roam it, to live this life. Might as well, we are going to be together for awhile. Peace.Love. Brian

11/25/2002

FROM: Frances T-Y

First I would like to say...I'm glad that life is wonderful for you!! (smiley face) I received your letter a couple of days ago and one of the things I've realized while I was reading it was you didn’t just find a new place to live and grow. But you found your heart!! Now I might be wrong but you seem to have found one of the things you have been searching for. I'm so happy for you!! I wish you all the luck in the world!! Well let me tell you a little about my life. First of all I'm pregnant!! I'm about 3 months and I'm sick (sick face) almost everyday. I'm so glad to be pregnant but the morning sickness is kicking my butt!! Hopefully it will go away soon. Brian, I haven’t heard from Steve, is he doing okay?? Well let him know I said hello!! I'm going to end this card by saying.... The tinman found his heart!!! I miss you & send lots of support and love!! Frankie

TO: Frances T-Y

I have been doing some thinking. I re-read Siddhartha and recall at one time you comparing me to Govinda, Siddhartha's childhood friend. You were saying this meaning that Steve was Siddhartha. At the time, I didn’t like that. I took it as a cut-down, you saying that in my life, the best I could do was follow Steve’s lead and one day subscribe to a particular agenda only to realize late in life that I should have followed Steve, or whatever. In an email you wrote to Steve (he let me read it) you said that you thought I would not stick to my convictions.. I also took this as a character attack, until I thought deeper on it. In the first case, I still think you are wrong, but that is just a lack of facts. Neither Steve nor I follow the other, we feed off of each other to progress. I think Steve would agree. In the second case, you may be right and prove your original statement false. In Siddhartha the book, Siddhartha the man deviates from his path, not Govinda. Siddhartha is at first a Brahmins son, following the path of Brahma; then shifts to a Samana; and then, wildly shifts to become a Kamiswami (?, businessman); and then to a rower. Basically, the point is, that to attain truth, one must deviate, understand all sides. A Rubix cube is not solved when one color is complete, but when all colors are lined up. Thus is life, life is not complete once a person masters one aspect of it, but all facets. In order to do that deviation is not only apparent, but necessary. So, I have gained things from analyzation, as many people would...if they took the time to analyze. And, I haven’t always done this, it is actually something I recently learned to harness. And, not only is this letter for pointing out disparities, it is also to give thanks. Thanks for your honesty. I like it. It brings out the best in me when people tell me how they really feel. And, in ways, you have done that...not always deliberately, but this is also an invitation for you to do that. I should like to keep our relationship on a very honest level, if there is anything of me you wish to know, ask. I wish I could tell that to ,ore people and that they would actually ask the questions. I have always been me and regardless of the mutations I envelope I should hope that my self stays forever intact. So, feel free to write back, or not. I would like to know what you are going through, how you are thinking and feeling. Life is wonderful. Peace.Love. Brian

12/18/02

FROM: Frances T-Y

You sound great!! Your letters that you’ve written me lately sound like you are having a wonderful time finding Brian!! I cant express enough how happy I am for you!! I've never said this before, but I feel as if I have a new friend!! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the Brian that was here in Indiana, but I like the Portland Brian 10 times better!! Well you write in your letter that you think I might be COMPROMISING TOO MUCH. Well... First I am happy!! But I think you might be right to a point!! It is definitely to LATE to change the marriage and now a new child!! But I've realized that. One of the things I've realized is that I love Aaron! But sometimes its hard for any person to accept the bad. I've made a decision that I will not give up on a person that I love no matter what. As a wife (and a woman that has strength) I have thought, realized and dealt with Aaron's shortcomings!! Yes, its been hard but love is something we all have to work at!! Love can be the easiest thing in life and also the hardest thing in life!! Love is complex!! But I've made a decision and now I am held responsible!! There’s no blaming Aaron or anyone else in my life, its my decision! Anyway I am very happy and have made lots of changes in my life and also helping the one I love "Aaron"!! Soooo I know the Catherine situation is also complex but I really don’t know anything about her. All I know is that you guys started seeing each other and then things didn’t work out!! Please explain!! (smiley face) I don’t know what happened with Steve and I keeping in touch. I think he got a little caught up with work!! "But that’s my view!" It could be different! I will make the effort to restore that relationship!! By the way, I didn’t think Chimney Sweep was for you either!! (sick face) When I first heard that you were doing that again I somehow knew that wasn’t going to work!! You went to Portland for CHANGE!! Chimney work was not change! I wish you luck in finding a job that suits your lifestyle and personality!! You deserve it!! Well Brian you know I like truth, so there’s no problem here when it comes to how I feel!! (smiley face) I miss you and send love!! Love, Frankie

1/7/03

TO: Frances T-Y

Although this letter is going to stray from my individual style, I will submit. You ask for an explanation and I will give you the best I can. I came out here not knowing her at all, she was Steve’s friend and flatmate, from Steve she knew me. I was initially apprehensive to meet her based on the amount of hearsay (from Steve) she had caught. I made the initiative and showed up and she took it from there. On the first night she asked me to sleep in her bed. On the third night she started making out with me. On the fourth night I talked to her about it and we had sex. By the tenth night she considered it and "us" situation...which I really didn’t mind. I had no job, and spent all day out and when I got home we would go out. She made suggestions about how much I meant to her and I started to think we'd have a future. Then, a seemingly minor incident erupted something inside me and I just shut my social self off completely. What had happened? She made dinner. Crazy. She made a penne pasta with a homemade red sauce, chock full of black olives. I ate it and it was good, although I don’t like black olives. Then she asked me what we thought of it and I said "It is good, but I don’t really like black olives" she says "really", "yeah, but its no big deal." (this all happened in September) "No, I’ll take them out", "you don’t have to do that"...but that was a lost statement. Because of my opinion she removed every last black olive, put them back in the jar and the jar back in the refrigerator! We moved out *on Dec. 31* and that moldy jar of black olives was still there. I don’t want to be with someone that does anything to please me. The day before Justin’s arrival I told her I didn’t want to have a physical relationship and she seemed fine with it. That night she got shit-faced drunk and didn’t come home. Who knows what happened, everything was fine for awhile, but she just kept on drinking and basically destroying herself...I summed it up as "I have had enough experience fighting emotional battles and losing" she drank like my brother, even worse, and I shut off my emotion, I couldn’t talk to her without wanting to shake her and yell "CANT YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO YOURSELF?" So, I stopped acknowledging her, I couldn’t help someone that didn’t want to be helped before (my brother) and I cant do it now, that was my reasoning. In Dec. her new BF moved in, 5 people/2 bedroom apt. Tensions were high we split ways...Portland is much better. This doesn’t say close to everything, a rough blueprint. Now, Justin and Steve and I have a house, and she is someplace that I don’t want to know. Peace.Love. Brian

1/21/03

FROM: Frances T-Y

Hello friend! Nice to get a letter from you. Well how is life? Life for me is okay I guess or its as good as I let it be!! (smiley face) ??Remember me talking about my brother?? Well the cops picked him up again. Now he’s in jail again. But this time they made him see a doctor!! Well guess what? He's on meds now. That makes me mad, concerned & scared!! Medicine can destroy people!! Doctors think that the answer to everything is medication!! "BULL!!" Well all I can do is think good thoughts and try to be there fro my brother!! I talked to Matthew York a couple of weeks ago and he said Diane is coming to see you guys!! That’s nice of her to do that!! How do you feel about that? No making out ! (smiley face) J.K. I really want to come out and visit you guys...but there is alot going on right now...Baby, Brother, California! I write California because I plan on moving back I want to move ASAP. But Aaron isn’t going to be able to find a job transfer ASAP. But we have lots of plans going on going to California this year to visit and explore our options. I have a wonderful feeling that it is all going to work out for the best!! Brian, when are, or do you ever plan on coming back to Indiana to visit? I better go... Love, Friendship, and Support Frankie

TO: Frances T-Y

So, here’s the story. When I went to get the mail I saw one for me and one for Steve. The night prior we had words about writing letters, and he related that he would (or should) write you. So, when I handed him his mail, I addressed him as "procrastination" he was not amused. He thought (speculation) that I was being unfair to him, but, it was procrastination. I agree with you on the medication thing (with your brother). Tiffany had been on medication forever when I first met her. One of my first tasks was to get her off of it. I accomplished that for a week, she kicked me out, got back on her meds and invited me back in. Unwarranted medicine is the devil and I hope your brother beats the demon. Diane did come here, true. I think she came here to remind me what I left behind, and as assholish as this may sound, I didn’t and don’t care. I don’t think that she left with a feeling of accomplishment. I never truly understood her reasoning, but as you’ve noticed from writing, I am not the same in this new environment. As life goes on, everyone will get over everything. I've not spoken to her since she left. We'll see what the future holds. I hope that you and Aaron do make it to California, that would probably be a great environment to live and raise children. And on visiting Indiana, I've no plans to re-live that evil, last time I talked to my mother I related to her that I wouldn’t come back for four years...but no one knows. As for me, out here, things are well. I have come to accept everything as it is right now and that acceptance loosens the future, thus making progress easier. As of writing this I almost met a new girl. For which I am very excited. More on that when things develop. We are attempting to bring a fourth into our house, Steve and I currently live in the same room, with Justin in his own and the one Steve previously occupied now empty. The transition from 3 to 4 will hopefully take place before the end of the month. So, that means things are on the up and up. I often fill my head with thoughts of solitude. Taking myself away from everyone and everything I know and not attempting to get back for ...well, how about 4 years? That fills me, escape. And I am on a mountain of happiness, climbing, without sight of pinnacle...meaning unless I fall I am only going to get happier. The same for you, hopefully, and for sure in California. Give Aaron and Juliette high fives from me and keep family happiness alive! Peace.Love. Brian

1/30/03

FROM: Frances T-Y

Hopefully Steve will come around! I made the attempt to write now the ball is in his court. He's the one who will make the final decision on what is best. Diane seems to live in the past! That sucks! For her anyway, ??What was she trying to accomplish?? You refer to her leaving with a void of accomplishment. (This is why I ask.) Well it sounds like the thought was nice, but the reason was stupid for her to visit. "I" think Diane just likes to talk about visiting you and Steve with others. (My view.) I never see her or talk to her, but the little time I was around her she seemed to be fake. Anyway, I agree with you about people getting over the way you left. About Indiana... It sounds to me like your better off in Portland!! You seem alot more in tune with who you are. If you come back to Indiana you would lose yourself again. I asked if you were coming back for my own reasons. Portland or whatever it is you found in Portland really makes you a better human. I think when you write things like......"I am on a mountain of happiness" that’s wonderful. That means there has been a change in your life, and if Portland is what does this, then stay and be on that Mountain of Happiness my friend!!(smiley face) Brian take care and I write soon.....Love, Peace Frankie P.S. Shouldn’t it be....Love, Peace? Without love 1st we have no peace. you always write Peace,Love "It's just a question?? Don’t be offended.

TO: Frances T-Y

I'll answer these questions posed in order, lingering longest on the last question, as I find it most intriguing. I don’t exactly know what Diane expected to accomplish, but she probably didn’t. I think she wanted reassurance that she know who I was and tried (in vain) to tap into her perception of Brian. As you can tell the versions of Brian differ greatly. I was dying in Indiana, literally and figuratively. Because of that I kind of had no feeling, or negative feeling. Because of that void, wait, let me explain deeper. I was KILLING MYSELF in Indiana. I hated myself, what I had become, a slave to temptation and desire...I looked upon my surroundings with scorn, I didn’t care about myself and likewise, I didn’t care about anyone around. I was living just to take up space, I often reflected on how I used to be, how I knew I could be, but everything was backward and working against me. A family that only started acknowledging me when I was away, friends that never changed, back on the farm. Coming from where I had been and allowing myself to re-absorb into that nothingness and not caring to even voice my dislike, it is horrifying. So anyone that came to know me found a fun-loving/death-defying person. Generally in an area like that, a person like that becomes a magnet, a star in a void. I was subject to this and once I realized that I hated myself more. It isn’t that I came to Portland, it is more that I got away from there. Most likely anyplace I went I would find happiness, I just knew some good and potentially good people here. I started to love myself again and that made it easier for me to love others, the insistence of letter correspondence is a means of keeping me one step away from the past. Writing letters people will think more about what they have to say and have every chance to say that. I don’t like phones or e-mail particularly. I know these people exist, give me something tangible with an iota of care...Okay, I have been ranting too long. Diane came out here to find out how I truly felt about her...and I don’t think she liked the answer. She's not attempted to contact me since our parting. I think that in this life we have a much better chance of knowing personal peace than objective love. Why? Imagine, true objectional love must be reciprocal, if I love someone yet they don’t love me that isn’t true, it is imbalance and eventually fails. Once a person brings peace to themselves (learns to love themselves) then it would be possible for them to engage in the knowledge of someone else at personal peace and this is the pathway to objectional love. At least that’s the way I rationalize it. When I started writing it years ago I didn’t give it much thought and since I have had unconscious debates in my head about that and I immediately had an answer to that. It is a good question, but I am going to stick with it like this. Peace.Love. Brian P.S. I wrote Lisa a letter a couple days ago and have yet to receive a response!

2/4/03

FROM: Frances T-Y

Hello friend!! Brian, did Diane have feelings for you? Your such a woman magnet (ha,ha)!! (smiley face) I'm not sure what you mean when you say...."Diane came here to find out what I truly felt about her"... So please explain. Last week I went to my monthly check-up to see how the baby is progressing!! Well the baby is awesome!! But the doctor told me I have a type of cancer of the cervix. She said its nothing to freak out about she said its very curable. She says that usually with the force of the baby at delivery time it will get rid of whatever is there. She says its common with pregnant omen!! "WHATEVER!!' I'm not worried. If I sit and dwell on the situation its only going to make the sickness worse. So I live my life like I never even had the conversation. "Oh" We pick names for the baby!! If it's a boy VINCENT MICHAEL YORK and if a girl SCARLETT (not sure blank) YORK! Brian how have you been?? How’s the weather? How’s Steve? I hope he received my birthday card. I know he’s not into that stuff. But I am!! Birthday cards are good. About love and peace!! "I" think you haven’t found true love yet that’s why you write Peace, Love. You’ve found peace with yourself, but yet have had the opportunity to experience love! But it will come in time. Now I might be 100% wrong but its just another persons view!! Well my friend, until this pen & paper meet again. Love, Peace Frankie call me sometime!! If you'd like!! ***-***-**** I wont hurt my feeling if you don’t!! (smiley face)