11/13/02

TO: Kelly Paleczny

As a child I took everything way too literally. The things I saw on TV, in commercials, I believed them. I wasn’t afforded the luxury of knowledge, of the difference. When I finally figured it out, that the world really isn’t glossy and that Ronald McDonald really isn’t my best friend, I was old enough to feel and remember. I felt left out of society, washed up to shore and then cast away in the bush. I think this is where current struggles spring from, from believing society, then finding out the hard way, then blaming society, to writing it all off and attempting to become whole, to protect others from the captivating screen of lies that is forced upon younger generations. I met a girl last night, I had seen her before and was intrigued. The reason I was where I was was because of her, because I knew she'd be there. But, I had no intention of breaking my silence. Why? It goes back to the years of glossy untruth childhood. When I spoke out against what tormented me then, I realized I couldn’t go under its protective fold any longer, I was washed up and the ship was too far out to swim back too. I didn’t want the same to happen here, I didn’t want to talk to her and find out that all I thought and felt she was, actually wasn’t. But I met her, because she talked to me. She broke that bubble boundary so, now, staring accomplishes nothing. We have been breached and briefed, it is okay now. I feel, now, that if I don’t talk to her it is kind of like an insult, saying that she isn’t good enough...which is a good thing, because it is just the kind of motivation I need to push myself into the realm of "standard socialite", and how wonderful it would be to have a moniker with "standard" or "normal" in it. Truly amazing that it takes all of this time and effort to establish even. Think of how it could be when I actually get my head above water! Through this onslaught of memorable realization, I am doing well. It has been a long time that I have been bombarded by thoughts like this, sometimes they are processed (like this one), sometimes they are simply stored away and forgotten about, re-filed in the wrong place and tough to find again. And through these times I am not being easily beaten by past demons, I am overcoming previous boundaries. I heard this lyric recently, "We're broke and we're tired, but we've got fire; the billboards above us all say that they love us; we carry our own boundaries and we can put them down." Woven (that's the band). It really hit me when I heard it and reciting it digs it deeper into my being and I smile, because I have begun to drop the baggage of boundaries and become free. Peace.Love. Brian

1/20/03

TO: Kelly Paleczny

I've always been a fan of leaving that which does no matter in the past. Just today I was thinking of emotional baggage that I've clung too, unfinished projects shying from completion as if it is their place to stay incomplete...minimalism maybe? Lately I've been taking things into account and am noticing a rift in my effort to reward graph. I keep correspondence with 4 or 5 people...irregular with an additional 3 or 4 and it exhausts me to continue to produce for what seems like a Mary Poppins carpet bag...never ending, bottomless. Without bottom, it can never be completed; or, more rightly, is complete in light of that incompleteness. Follow? This would make any attempt feeble, foolhardy, and frustrating. It leads some to completely shy away from that realm, others to scorn it and still others to redouble their efforts...in vain. I've noticed you saying (or by whatever means relating) your inability to complete this correspondence. It is not in my nature to continue forever if these things are totally irrelevant. This said, this will comprise my last correspondence. I trust that all is well and you are wonderful. And that that shall continue. Peace.Love. Brian.

2/3/03

FROM: Kelly Paleczny

Greetings! Since you are quite self-sufficient, I know this will find you well. I have managed to pull myself out of my 23 year reign of depression, and I am finally pulling myself out of the rut. My letter, I am afraid, will not contain as many ideas as yours. I fear, if I stop to think in the coming months, I might just roll right down my hill of--um, -motion. I hope that makes sense. For years, I sat and stared at walls, this is the first time in my life I am pro-active and it scares me! Currently, I am a custodian. It's the best job I've had yet. I am the 3rd woman there, and the only woman under 50! There are like 80+. They don’t harass me, openly cheat on their wife, or hate women. For once my views on men are questioned (you know I hate you al....) I do my work, and go home. My work doesn’t follow me home, well maybe the dirt smell... In a few months, I am moving out with my friend Daniel. He is the greatest! He is so honest, most people assume he is drunk half the time. He is a massage therapist, so he helps my janitorized back. Him and I want to test run living together for a year + see if we care to move elsewhere. Our friendship seemed to have developed overnight, but I guess kindred souls find each other fast. With my life unswirling out of chaos, I'm stuck with something I barely know--myself. When I first found Buddhism, the first "rule" is--find yourself. And I kept thinking "Done!" But now that I don’t really depend on too many people or circumstances (sp?) I feel kinda stranger-like. And now I'm questioning what I should go to college for--what subject. I really want to go for writing, but you can see I'm not that good... I'm still sticking to my guns + am never dating again--ever. Although I have fallen deeply + madly for someone Dave's friend. He's this Jewish guy who is everytime I see him is doing either crack, heroin, or rum. It was all the elements that make me attracted to someone. It doesn’t matter either way because I don’t think I am attractive enough for him, but I don’t think that matters at all that much compared to the fact that I am never dating again...(that paragraph would be funnier if Pee-Wee Herman read it) Anyways. Keep on keeping on. Being tenacious and all. Like I said, I don’t have too many thoughts about much these days. I guess that’s good. (star)Kelly Paleczny(star)