12/26/02

TO: Mary Johnson

Processes of life, the way different people react to the same situation, or similar situations, that is very stimulating for me. I like to tell people that have known me for awhile and grown annoyed with the way I deal with things, I like to say "I understand it is hard to keep up with me, and I don’t expect or recommend you try." If someone sticks around after that, I would imagine a strong alliance forming. The reason for this aspect of my being has to do with personal processes. When faced with a situation I have already dealt with, I like to do something different for experience sake, so I can try many different things; and after awhile, I find something that works best and stick with it. That is why it is hard to keep up, because so many people have fallen to adopt what other people say is best without attempting anything different for themselves. I cal this "blind belief". For myself, that doesn’t fly; and when people ask me what I would do in a certain situation I skirt the question and through a maze of words have them answer the question posed. Sometimes it makes people feel little, sometimes empowered. I cannot make a person feel a certain way, only can I be honest. And, in that honesty I do not feel regret or sorrow in the future. It is an amazing outlook that I have formed over the years. My smile and my outlook on life are the things people remember and similarly like or dislike about me. I don’t try to get people to like me, and I honestly don’t know why the people that do like me hold that stance. I guess this divulgence of my personal processes is meant to help you understand me and to ease any feelings of tension you may or may not harbor. I don’t really like it when people don’t like me, because all that says to me is that they don’t understand me...and that leads me to believe that I could do something different and that would be better. Lately, however, I am closing in on the conclusion that people really just don’t want to hear the truth and are frightened by someone who is so honest with themselves that it spills over into being honest with others. I guess my real reasons for writing this letter are kind of self-centered. I write this to better explain the way I deal with things and live my life in the vain hope that you would do the same. I am doing it because I kind of what to know what drives you. Peace.Love. Brian

1/7/03

TO: Mary Johnson

Do you have a vision of what life is? Life, to me, is a tumultuous experience that many of us stumble through blindly. Think about it. I know that I've not opened my eyes for as many things as I'd like too. Imagine, you are walking down the street and are suddenly rendered lifeless from an errant motorist. I am glad you imagined it, because now we can compare. I don’t know if that motorist would really be doing damage to me. For most of my time here is this life, I have been wandering, lost and lifeless; and I have to wonder if that moment of semi-conscious-to-never-again, would happy things or missed opportunities run through the last few minutes of my brains activity. Multiple times a day I look at myself and wonder what is holding me back and I've no conclusions, put as per my genetic nature, I continue. My brain sometimes thinks that I have no reason to continue...then my body chimes in and states the obvious: there really isn’t any reason not to continue. And sometimes I think it is this mind/body conflict that fuels life. Sometimes, I think that is what life is. A conflict of interests. And neither party really willing to concede, constantly keeping each other in check just because that is how it is. Genetic makeup, atoms, cells they have no reason to stop and similarly they have no reason to go, the thing that perpetuates this is the fact that they are already set into motion, and it is easier to just continue then to stop. In the mind, we have a reflection of the world filtered through our personal perceptions. This reflection, what does it offer? Doe sit give us a truly genuine reason to continue...most people try to stay sunny and create reasons to live, but the truth to me is that many people are mired from the processes of life and although not constant, allow the thought of non-continuance to infiltrate their thought patterns. I am doing rather well. I can convince myself that I have some valid reason to continue living, but sometimes it is really hard. This all stems from an extreme sense of not identifying with conventional societies. Like, if everyone is one way and I am not is that my flaw or their flaw? Conventional wisdom would say it is my flaw, and the overbearing reason why I continue is to attempt to disprove conventional wisdom and emphasize individuality--a long shot in the face of this future. Peace.Love. Brian

1/24/03

TO: Mary Johnson

So, now we are in the flow of things, the river of life is also the river our feet are in...examining it through feeling, sight, sound. Seeing if we want to dive in and let life carry us away, or guard ourselves on the banks of life, seeing but staying inactive, dipping our feet, but not really getting wet. We examine the current, speed, direction and we look around, life is like a river delta, there are many estuaries you can dip into and eventually dive into one, headlong and hope it is deep. Then you are swept away. But the delta leads to the ocean. Any river of life that you enjoin your body with will eventually take you to the ocean. The ocean, it can be looked at either way, it could really be the beginning, or forever the end. The end of life, in your estuary, as you know it, and honestly, you have no control once you let that current take you away. It could be the beginning in that you would have foreknowledge of your path taking it into the all of life and working for your causes against the many other waters of life. It is all so wrapped in analogy it might just be easier to just take it at face value. Once you dedicate your life, can you turn around, how much control do you really have, how much do you really want? Questions. And, what if you don’t accept life? There is so much to take into account is the thought that ease would be found by not being swept away, by putting off. I think about it daily, I've tried to swim upstream to get back to my estuary or my point of disembankment, and its not happening. I am learning to accept that I have become life and to do it justice I must continue to live. It is a conclusion that I've labored too, because for a long time I didn’t want to believe it. And I know. If enough people look at their live sin a critical enough manner, some truth might be extracted and people would start to "change the way they live, change the way they eat, change the way they treat each other" (TuPac). I think that moving is a progressive step toward change, personal change becomes social change with enough diligence, and if a person believe strongly enough in their actions an attempt should probably be made to effect (or reflect) that in those around you and then grow and become (instead of just feed) the ocean. I sometimes wish that I could relay these things in a more understandable way, but I think it is also better to try to bring others to my plane of understanding. That way, maybe I can help sway the ocean. Peace.Love. Brian