4/4/00

FROM: Melissa Medrano (typed)

I've been very busy lately and haven’t really had time or thought about writing.......but in response to your last saga letter: If all you want/need to move on in life is my forgiveness then okay....I will give you this satisfaction and this will be the only satisfaction you will be getting from me: YOU ARE FORGIVEN! The end.

9/9/02

FROM: BeeJay (hidden in one of my bags as I was pushing off from Indiana)

I am going to miss you like I always do. Take care and this is my bracelet to you. You aint gotta wear it, just keep it. Sorry we didn’t always get along when you were back this time. But I am glad you found something that makes you happy again because I know this area never really has. Its weird though. Take all of us in High School then and we are all so changed now. Then we had no plans or life ideas and now we're all so different. You and Steve are vegan and content while homeless, (ripped out name) has grown up and matured Alex is married with a kid. Pat finally has his band. I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't but I have to I just don’t know how. I know I suck keeping touch when people leave but this time I am going to really try too. This time I want to. You have always been there for me but I'd like to keep us close and maybe us not living together will make us as close as we once were. You are part of my family, and I will always love you in that best friendish, brotherly, half gay way. Your Friend, BeeJay

11/21/02

TO: Catherine Henry (UNSENT)

I wonder if I ever made myself totally clear. I probably haven’t, as I most usually do not. When I was a child, growing up, I was surrounded by life, and I was constantly at the wrong end of it. My parents were both drunks that lived amicably together, but not really together. I had no one to look up to, I read alot and watched TV, formed myself by the suggestions of a color console in my parents living room. When I got into the part of school where cool mattered and to salvage a little self-esteem I stopped wearing sweat suits. It doesn’t help though when the ridicule comes home. My brother was one of the more recognized, favorably, people in the school. I had him to look up too. He told me stories of him and his buddies going out, getting drunk, getting girls, and it got my attention. But, I couldn’t latch on, it was too fake for me to subscribe too. But, it lived with me. It was rough for me, growing up. Then my parents divorced, my brother moved out, and my father sister and I skipped town to live with my fathers new wife. And I was thrown, all of a sudden, into a new beginning. I could be myself (what there was of myself) and start over. And I did, I totally started anew, filling my life with new ideas to build on. Things went great, I repressed everything from my past. Now, because of that repression, certain things come back in various forms at odd times and I deal with them as they arise. I am better at dealing with things now, and I don’t regret any actions I undertook. So, then I went on with life, and formed my convictions, learned how to live life for me. Then I decided to turn back and try to help my family. From California, for more reasons than I know, I went to Indiana and the first thing that crossed my mind when I met my brother was that everything was going to be different. He is an amazing artist, with no drive. His stuff, his ideas are fresh and brilliant, but stay on the ground. Originally we were going to collaborate and begin his art career. So, we move din together. And I got to watch firsthand why nothing went anywhere, he was a drunkard. Instead of cultivating his talent, he got drunk, met girls, got laid. Kind of like he did in High School, but I no longer looked up to him. He would say that the reason I was so against him was jealousy. So I became him, and showed him I could be him and me. Whenever I tried to show him the error of his ways he would become angry and take it out on himself and then on me. I wont delve into details, but his drinking and my hope destroyed our relationship. I exhausted my being to try to help him and I lost, and it hurt. It was quite discouraging. When I got out here it was great. After I really saw you recoil into alcoholism I stepped off. I have had enough experience fighting emotional battles and losing.

12/16/02

TO: BeeJay, Matt

This is going to be arduous, a tough task and something I have been toiling with for quite awhile. It seems, to me, that the grounds on which I made my exit may not have been the most beneficial for any party concerned. Regardless of that, and making the first move towards the future, let me say that most things in life right now are wonderful. I am at the point in a new place where comfortability is natural. Well, for the most part. Being unsure of any news that may have reached you, I will start from the beginning and give only an overview. Upon moving out here I met my new roommate, Catherine, and we started dating. A few weeks of that and I ended it, although we still live together, we are not really on a talking basis. Currently she and her boyfriend live in the "living room" while Steve and I share a bedroom and Justin has his own bedroom. It is all tense on the homefront and we are planning on going our separate ways at the end of the month. That will be a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I have another chimney sweeping job and although I don’t like it at all I am happier here than when I worked for my father. I make alot of money for a relatively small effort and they allow me a company vehicle which I almost never use outside of work. The one time I used it was to drive to Olympia for a day, rekindle so old times, and I have a trip to NY in the works for May. Judging my timeline I will probably be visiting there sometime next summer. I write alot out here, since the demise of my computer I have taken to ink and paper again and that is going well for me. I got some hotspots/hangouts, usually go out for a drink on the weekend, pretty much live a normal life, under the guise of abnormality, whatever that means. I reflect alot on the time I spent in Indiana, it is easy to reflect on a situation when you are outside of it, and I have learned many new things; well on my way to becoming a whole person, formidable in the face of life. I haven’t really made any new friends, but I have some buddies and I meet alot of new people I just feel like I am in a very introspective period of life and it is more beneficial now to not attempt ties. I call it "inactive pursual" I am letting things come to me, in no hurry whatsoever, life is a giving force and wields its power justly. I feel that the pendulum of life is leaning my way right now and I am reaping the benefits. Peace.Love. Brian

1/8/03

TO: Eminem

On the album "The Eminem Show", you make some strong remarks against the Bush administration, and I would like to see one of the few popular artists that I admire, you, act on this current situation. Jesse Michaels of Operation Ivy said "Music is an indirect force of change", that force is due to celebrity status. In England, in the 1980's, the band Crass released politically charged records and singles as responses to that countries and Margaret Thatcher’s, war advances. This letter is a plea to get back to this, to see influential artists taking a concrete stance against the pushes of war that the American Empire, and the Bush regime are making. I cannot imagine a more recognized artist that could paint a more realistic picture of the state of this union, and outright denounce the war machine. Your influence on the youth will do wonders to inspire the disenchanted to stand up against the "Axis of Evil" that is running this nation into the ground. The level of apathy is only fueling the war machine, and, well, you can read the rest in the newspaper. Anyway, I understand you are very busy, but if you could write and release something like a 3 song single of anti-war political hip-hop, that would help everyone. I know its alot to ask, but if nothing goes through, it'd be nice to at least know your thoughts. Peace.Love. Brian

TO: ??? (UNSENT)

Being realistic creatures, and, in turn, looking at things realistically, how do we justify the reality of American Lifestyle? Honestly, I mean, the plane that America rests on is totally unrealistic, vulnerable, and collapsing upon itself. The picture I get of the American life, being a semi-insider is this: 2.5 kids, split between a mother and a father, a television in 3 out of 5 rooms at least one computer in the house, one out of five eligible to work not working due to a variety of things (excluding laziness), unhappiness towards and feelings of inadequacy in life, a vibrant media to give hope to those that otherwise have none. It is a bleak picture, I know, but from reading the business section of the newspaper, it is reality. The 90's offered America one last chance, and it is all downhill from here...the fall of an empire. And the reasons these "realistic beings" live in a state of imagined reality, fakeness, is the media, this 3 of 5 rooms with television. TV doesn’t stop there are always pictures of other times, images to forget that the rents due and you cant have it: who wants to be a millionaire? We all do! But watching TV is a step away from it, not toward it. There are just so many ways to forget that these times are bleak, and by forgetting, each person is making it worse; they forget thinking "out if sight, out of mind", and that refusal to act, that complacency is the root of the problem. Many people are brought up to believe that someone, somewhere else, will take care of it. When asked to volunteer, so many think that someone else will raise their hand and that mentality leads to no hands raised, nothing is accomplished (except a loss of gumption in the few that do try). I don’t know what all of this means, what it all amounts too, but I know that if we keep doing things the same way we will continue to get the same results. It is such a large problem, I don’t know where to get in, nothing has that level of gusto that is necessary to effect real change, and notions of starting something myself are shot down form the lack of support. There is just a sense of no hope what-so-ever, and that is sad. We are on the brink of war in multiple parts of the world while people here live in utter poverty and public schools don’t have the proper revenue to actually educate children...those TVs do that. And that immediately mires them in that unrealistic world that their parents live in. But, it is way to late, nowhere do I see signs of a u-turn. I try to remain optimistic, but nothing is offered to me, I really just want to get outside, away from this dying war machine. And I don’t think I am the only one. With Hope. Peace. and Love.

1/19/03

TO: Tiffany Promise (care of her Mom, and I don’t really know if she ever got it)

You know, I know you do, that life deals odd things to a person, particularly at odd times in their life. It is almost like being kicked while you are down and this onslaught really convinces the weak to succumb. I have been weak. I have not only succumbed, but in due process have also overcome. There are moments in my life where I have been in quite a quagmire and surely enough have had someone very dear to me use their personal strength to bail me out. Whether it is widely known or not, you are one of the few, and on multiple occasions I am in the light of your generosity (in various forms) and this is a large reason for my perseverance. Most recently was the critique made of my behaviour this previous summer. I had fallen and wasn’t (for whatever reason) even trying to get up. You pierced straight through my indifference, took whatever I had in me and gave me a new life. For that, I am quite thankful. At the time, it may not have seemed as such, but I show my appreciation in ways that aren’t exactly common. Or, maybe they are, that is beyond me. I took what you said and turned myself around completely, a 360. It has gone very well, well enough for me to finally give a "thanks". While I am still wrestling with some demons, I have bested many of them and I feel very good about life. After our parting, I had no idea how you felt about things, besides the supreme disappointment in my actions. Because of that I've not made any attempt until I righted myself. For a moment, I'd thought that my actions destroyed our relationship and I should just get over it. I feel now, however, that that would be extremely weak. Things have been wondrous here in Portland, and I hope things are well with you. The trial is hopefully past and with a favourable outcome. I trust that your family is doing better (w/ Jonathon and all). I have been here for about four months (maybe more), become vegan again, minimized possession, I dress in solidarity black daily. I've to find a beneficial job to secure my position here...after that, all will be well. We actively protest, consume mostly organics, like I say, almost a complete turnaround. I feel like I did in Olympia, and those were good times, you know from observation. I feel very positive in relation to life, better than I have in years and I hope that the same has befallen you. Sometime, you should come see Portland. Peace.Love. Brian

1/27/03

TO: Cousin Lisa

Imagine the time. Rather. I trust that everything is well with you and your business, as I've really heard nothing since the day I departed. Things here are in some sort of order, I am not sure what kind just yet. I am unhappy with my state of employment, in total. The economy here is enough to keep me there, however much I dislike it. There isn’t any other work that is finding me or vice-versa to allow me to do things I enjoy while still supporting myself. So, I started to explore some options that I hadn’t really thought out completely as of yet. Like starting my own business and doing everything I want to with a minimal amount of compromise. Naturally this led me to you, as you own your own business and at one point in time, in one way or another you told me about receiving government grants on account of your minority status...and you seemed rather confidant that you could get more. I am not asking you to get more money and fund me, rather I would like to know by what process you acquired this money, like what grants did you apply for and the like. Basically I am wondering how you accomplished what you have and if you can forward some of your knowledge this way so I may have a go at things as well. Thanks for any help and I'll let you know how things go! Peace.Love. Brian P.S. I get alot of compliments on my tattoo and someday I think we should have it finished!

1/31/03

FROM: Amanda Dragisic

I know, I know--it's been forever. I honestly have been meaning to write you back, but I couldn’t figure out what to say. Catching up isn’t easy after so long. It's been a long time, no? (August!) How goes it in Portland (are you still in Portland?)? If Portland is half as rad as Seattle is I'm sure you're still there. Seattle has to be one of the coolest places I have ever been too, and I've barely looked around the place. You should seriously come up and visit sometime. I have awesome roommates and neighbors that I think you'd really get along with. Well hey, there’s some news for you. Rob and I broke up. I moved out of the apartment and into a house with some kids I met through school. It's funny-I've known Rob for six years and I made plans to move in with him and it doesn’t work. Then I move in with 3 boys that I hardly know and everything is awesome. True, I only moved in a couple weeks ago, but they are some of the best people I've ever met. They know the people in the neighborhood too. I've gone from having no friends to having at least 15 people that I get along with, in less than a month. I haven't really been talking to Rob, though and I can't really say that I mind. After living with him and arguing with him everyday for so long, I think it will do me good to not see him for awhile. Anyway, the reason that I'm writing you is to tell you that I finally get it. I never understood how you would just pack up and leave and move to random places. I totally get it now. Everything here is so new and fun and exciting. Not knowing where I am going to be six months or a year from now. I never figured that this kind of uncertainty could be so comforting--but it is. Hmm...I think that about it for now. I haven't forgotten about you and I hope you're doing well. It's been a long time since I've exchanged letters with anyone, so it might take me a bit of getting into the swing of things, but I promise, promise, promise that the next time I'll respond faster. Take care of yourself, dear! Much Love, Amanda Oh yeah, watch the movies Waking Life and Baraka. You'll like them--I promise!

TO: Amanda Dragisic

When I was seventeen, I had a girlfriend, Imagine that! It was a good relationship, everything was great until we were having sex once and the condom broke. I was eighteen at the time, and it was the true turning point of my life. I was scared. If she were pregnant then that would be my life from then on: FATHER, HUSBAND. She got the morning after pill, I've never been the same. I thought about how and why people get stuck, I took stock of my friends, no one was doing anything, it was so complacent and content, I couldn’t take it. So I started a few failed trips into life. When my sub-lease in Chicago ran out I had nothing, just my parents house it was a couple of days before me ninet 19th (hah!) birthday. I didn’t want to get stuck, so I told this girl in NY I was coming to visit and I left without telling but two people. I stole my Dad's car and didn’t call and tell him where I was for a week. I didn’t know where I was. I was lost somewhere between life and confusion. Eventually I found myself and amazingly enough I was a part of life. Nothing before made me feel so free, there were 8 million (maybe more) new people around me, at least 8 million new people to meet and learn from and it was chaotic. I had no control over it and I was happy. That started me on travel, I have no fear of it anymore, the people are there and just waiting to be met, all I have to do is venture to say "hi," or "excuse me" and I am in. And it is great, living without expectations, what are you doing next week? I don’t know that far ahead, people envy that and as a way to deny that envy they also denounce it. You were faced with a similar catastrophic ordeal and did the best thing. Marriage, hah! Imagine jumping off of a cliff before taking reign of that stagnancy. And now you are there, you are part of it, life. Most of the time people don’t understand what I mean when I talk, but it isn’t me, they'll never get it. The nonsense talk is like me speaking their language, I crack myself up and others have no clue that I am attacking their way of life. But Portland is great, not many people are from here, they migrated here, or otherwise just ended up here. There is a kinship that everyone understands each other, it is amazing. I am really happy that you and Rob aren’t together, for varying reasons, but it never seemed like a match made in heaven. And after that, it is good to hear that you have the courage to stick it out anyway, that is a problem with couple traveling, it is usually one-sided and one will stay while the other goes back to that world where things are known. Meeting new people is great, I recently got my knack and met a girl, bass player, feminist, strong-minded, but I don’t see a future. Portland life otherwise has been amazing, what with large anti-war protests, vegan dining, bicycling everywhere, I recently got laid off and I am really happy about that. Basically things can only get better for me, as I am on a mountain of happiness. I'll look forward to seeing your letters, and one day we'll visit. Oh, and those movies, Waking Life is one I've been recommending to people and Baraka just had a theatre run here, but we already owned it! Peace.LOVE. Brian (damn pen is almost empty)

2/3/03

FROM: Jon Woodward

I cant have you mailing me at that address [3 faye memorial] anymore; so if you want to mail me use the return address on this post. I have dived into some exciting discoveries for the vegetarian struggling to survive off of the depleted soils of America. It's called coral-calcium; go to buycoralcalcium.com: you will not regret, it will improve your life. Plants get their nutrition from the earth which is littered with ddt and radioactivity; bigger animals eat this plant material and concentrate the radioactivity and ddt in their flesh, this flesh is further concentrated until it reaches the birds of prey and man at the top of the food chain-s. This is why vegetarians will be "cleaner", but they will die short pathetic lives because the soil is not able to sustain full health, you must supplement. That is all for now; I'll enjoy the music, take care. regards, jon

2/12/03

TO: Carol (UNSENT)

It is interesting to me, human interaction...life in general. There definitely aren’t enough people that I connect with enough to converse with. It is quite beyond me and it is something I have been toiling with and working through my entire life. It is something I have grown accustomed too and can understand it. College has been something dreadful...I don’t think I could last a week surrounded in a college environment the heightened social level scares me. I've come (made it this far, thankfully) to the conclusion that its not the conversation aspect of it, I can hold some pretty intelligent conversations. Whatever, this is straying from the point I had set course for. I will give a person nearly anything they would ask for, the problem is that the silliest most arbitrary things are requested of me. So I shy form those engagements. Recently a girl flew over 2000 miles to talk to me in person and ask me what I thought her faults were. She was drunk at the time and her question wasn’t answered. That is silly. And, moreso, it is the buildup to those requests. The petty/meaningless conversation that must be labored through, faking all the while to come to a point where person A feels comfortable enough with person B to put forth such and such a question. Rather I'd like my personal interactions to center more on truth. "This is what I want, will you oblige?" or further down the line, do you agree with me on such and such a point. Again, I am moving in a gray direction that may not be easily understood, definitely I don’t understand what I am saying. So I recoil from social interaction into environments that aren’t quite explosive like these letters. Honestly. the main reason I move toward hand-written letters is the control, the care, foresight, insight, plus through hand-writing more things than words are read. And that is the kind of things we are looking for, inner meaning. What is really being said, and furthermore, implied. You shouldn’t have any idea who I am, and likewise, I have no idea who you are. This is a project. How do two people unknown to each other grow within these boundaries? Is there anything gained------ This is all like a leaf flapping in the wind, eventually the gust will have enough force to remove the leaf from the branch and then flutter to the ground. How does that tie in? I asked the same thing as I wrote it and eventually something came to: I will be the wind, blowing (skirting with disaster--or perfection) at the leaf. The leaf will be the idea; and eventually I will catch the idea in a proper way to grip it with understandable language and bring it to the ground. Or, you can replace yourself as the wind...after all, you could be much closer than I am. You could be anything, I don’t know. And, on the flipside, (to throw this off) I could be anything, I still do not know. This is all odd for me, without understanding who you are I cannot move this piece in a direction that would appease you. To finish I am forced to move in ways that I want too, to do things my way, more for myself, to see where it gets me. Too much, in this life, is done to please others and that is the principle reason why this is so foreign and...hard for me. Through writing this I have found myself pondering and envisioning who you may or may not be, how this could be something wonderful or it could be out the window before these last words are read. It is all quite a wonderful series and I feel that if some thread opens up this could become something that I align with amazing. Anything less that yourself would be a let-down. Peace.Love. Brian.

2/20/03

TO: EVERYONE (final)

Life has never really attracted me. Or, maybe at one time it did and now it doesn’t because I've wiped a few layers of shit off of my eyes. And I begin to actually see. This isn’t something that just happened out of nowhere. It has been cultivating inside me for years and I've just never really understood how to process it. Attempts have been made to inject myself into society and flourish with it, the two of us growing and learning, changing together. I have finally realized that is not possible right now. The attempts have been shut-down and sometimes I feel lesser because of what I put myself through. I don’t like to give up on things. With what I am doing now, it doesn’t feel like giving up...more like growing up and above this world of lies that constantly tries to pull me back into it. I feel very good about what I am doing, this symbolic death. Societal death. These attachments (...) that draw me into this hell are being left behind. I no longer connect with that which I leave, and these things unconsciously hold me back...I've let them, but no longer. Thanks for understanding (if you do, but if you did then these words probably wouldn’t reach you...whatever). Peace.Love.