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Warning! |
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What would the ho ask for christmas? |
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Dear Santa,
Like first off I want to say that I like totally believe in you. I mean, doesn't it make you feel real bad when all those like 10 year olds say you aren't real? And like, I still totally believe in you so I think I deserve way more presents than all those little kids with no families who say you're fake. Okay, so here's what I want:
Santa, what's left of my career depends on this so like, please get it for me! I totally want real big boobs. I mean, only little kids buy my music so like as soon as my chest is splashed like all over my albums like everyone will want to buy them!
Also, I need a singing voice. Mommy said ask for a better one but, like, since I don't actually have one that's not gonna work. So please, please can you get me a voice? I mean, lip-syncing has gotten me this far but most people aren't as dumb as me so they'll like totally notice sooner or later.
Speaking of that, could you please like raise my IQ? I mean, I don't even know what an IQ is but Daddy says it would be a good idea. So please?
Ooh, and I need a whole bunch of cash. Like loads. I mean, sure, it's easy for me to stand on the curb and like sell my body but the guys always seem to walk on like, the other side of the road.
Oh and, Santa? I need makeup! I got like this huge big thing on my neck... oh wait! That's my face!
And is it possible for you to just, like, make me and Norman like not related? 'cause like, he's so totally hot but he's like my cousin and the media would go like crazy!
And can you just, like, kill all those anti-me websites or something? Thanks.
Your favourite hooker... oh, I mean, singer,
Bitchney XX
PS. And could you do me like a tiny favour or something? Don't say "ho ho ho", 'cause that's like, my catchphrase, so could you say "ha ha ha" or something?
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