The Fun Begins!
12/15/01
Reminder
by: me ~ from: us ~ to: you
It seems like forever
That you left us behind.
No need to worry about us,
We’ll be just fine.
It’s you we’re worried ‘bout
Out on your own.
We know you can do it,
But you can always come home.
You know where to find us,
You just need to call
Just remember that always,
We’ll catch you if you fall.
12/15/01
Lonely Tears
I never used to cry,
It hurt more than it helped.
But since I’ve opened myself,
The hurt is what helps.
It helps me to cry,
It helps me to speak,
It helps me to try
These lonely tears,
Roll down my cheeks
I’ll never be happy,
And that’s all I seek
Not there, I cry
Not there, I speak.
Not there, why try?
Lonely tears flow forth
They chill to the core
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know much anymore
Lonely tears
Lonely fears
No heart
No start
Numbness
Dumbness
Lonely tears
In an empty room
From the empty eyes
Of an empty girl
With an empty soul.
12/4/01
Serpentine
You slither away out into the dark
A cowardly fool
And to think that our little spark
Could outshine the moon.
But you let evil get the best of you
You let it consume your soul
You slunk over that line
Back when you were mine
‘Cuz you’re serpentine
Your love stinks like turpentine
And you’re serpentine.
Now that I have another to hold me tight
As you tried to do
There’s no slithering into the night
Nope, not like you.
‘Cuz you took an opportunity
And it fucked us both up
Now I’ve re-drawn that line
Now someone else is mine
But you’re still serpentine
Your love stinks like turpentine
‘Cuz you’re serpentine.
11/26/01
Memories
“I knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never thought that looking back on the laughs would make me cry...”
Everyone has a moment,
When it’s her turn to shine,
And I never knew I had one
Didn’t know that moment was mine.
I thought I was a reject,
Never loved by a soul.
Then the light shined on me,
And I was again whole.
I don’t know who said it then,
I don’t know who says it now,
But I know that I’ve survived
That I’ve made it through somehow.
I’ve made it because of the memories
Those thoughts I hold dear
Those times I was happy, when you were here.
There weren’t happy memories at the end,
But I love those too
They make me me, they show the real you.
Everyone has a moment,
Something they can’t forget.
Though he tries and he tries,
He can’t do it yet.
I had one such moment,
Or I thought that I had,
But in the end, I suppose,
It wasn’t all bad.
I continue to live, love, breathe
The world won’t stop, you see
Not for one single moment
And neither will I, not me.
I look back on the memories
I think of those times, angry, happy or sad.
Memories are all good, even those that are bad.
You can’t pick and choose events in your life
Because that would be silly,
You have to learn from everything, every last memory.
11/7/01
1 Word is Worth 1000
No matter what I say
I goof something up
No matter what I do
I embarrass myself
There is no way to redeem myself
I say one simple word, someone’s hurt.
I say 1000 words, someone cries
No explanation suffices
It only compounds the problem
So I give up.
I’ll shut up.
You have my word.
11/7/01
I can do it
I just need a kick in the ass
I can do it
I just need a reason
I can do it
I just want a goal to aim for
I can do it
I just want a helping hand
I can do it
I just can’t do it without you.
And that’s why it’s hard.
11/01/01
Silence
The silence roars
The screaming dies
The poets laugh
The music cries
All there is is silence.
All there is is screaming
All there are are poets
All that’s gone is music.
The lyrics jar
The tune just sucks
The singer wails
The song just sucks.
All there is is silence
All there is is wailing
All there are are singers
All that’s gone is music.
The piano sobbed
The violin cried
The piccolo wept
The melody died.
11/1/01
Spiral of Something
You turn, there’s a problem
You turn back, safety’s gone
You turn to me, I’ve fled
You turn to someone, they’re vacant
You turn in circles
Whirling twirling swirling
You turn, problem solved
You turn back, it’s really gone
You turn to me, I’m there
You turn to someone, they’re okay
You turn in circles
Spinning Grinning Winning
10/30/01
Finish Line
I’m sorry for what I said
I don’t remember what it was
I’m sorry for what I did
I don’t know why I did it
But I’m sure there was a reason
I know there was a point
And the point is this
I’m done. I’m done with you.
I’m sorry for dragging this out
I don’t know what possessed me
I’m sorry for being hurt
I don’t know what you expected
But I’m sure there was a reason
I know there was a point
And the point is this
I’m done. I’m done with you.
10/30/01
Don’t
Please don’t answer the phone
I don’t want to hear it
Please don’t write me a letter
I don’t want to read it
Please don’t show me your love
I don’t want to see it.
Please don’t tell me anything
I don’t want to hear it.
Please don’t write about me
I don’t want to read it.
Please don’t cry about me
I don’t want to see it.
I don’t want you here now
I don’t want you here.
I don’t want you
I don’t want
I don’t
I
I just don’t.
10/30/01
Haunted
Bumps in the night
Will cease at first light
Ghouls in the dark
Will vanish at a spark
Of light. They are only
Imaginary, you see.
The dark can hide
Much. It keeps it inside
It’s blackness where
No sane man will dare
To venture. I have been
Where light isn’t seen.
That hidden and secret space,
That buried and ignored place
Where we all keep
Feelings lying asleep.
I have seen what it means
To relive my dreams.
I have been deep within
Just under that tough skin.
I have looked in me
And this place that I see
Is dusty and old
But by no means cold.
It seethes with rage
And pain. Enough for an age
Of suffering, but I choose
To hide it all. I lose
All other feeling but
I have re-learned what
It means to ache and pine.
To lust after what’s not mine
Anymore. I know now,
But I also know how
To withdraw, to hide.
To keep these thoughts inside
For I know bumps in the night
Will cease at first light.
And ghouls in the dark
Will vanish at a spark
Of light.
My light
Was you.
10/26/01
Friends
When I tease you too much,
You kick my ass and tell me to go home.
When I act like a moron,
You laugh and say I’m nuts.
When I do something truly stupid
You shake your heads and chastise me
That’s what I want you to do
To lift me up
To help me up
To let me know that you care
That’s what I want you to do
To tell me the truth
To tell me what helps
To let me know that you’re there
For me.
When I’m down in the dumps,
You tell me it’s OK and make me smile.
When I’m having a crisis,
You calm me down and help me think.
When I really need you,
You’re there with me and you care for me.
That’s all I need you to do
Is help me up
Is help me out
Is truly show that you care
That’s all I need you to do
Is make me see clearly
Is make me think clearly
Is remind me that you’re there
For me always.
I love you guys... always
10/25/01
Some Things Just Aren’t Fun
What does it mean to trust?
Does it mean never hurting the ones you love?
Does it mean doing what it takes to believe in someone?
Does it mean listening?
Does it mean feeling betrayed when they let you down?
Does it mean getting knocked down and getting up again?
Yes... to trust is to love
And what does it mean to love?
It means trusting them
And it means believing them
And it means not hurting them
And it means listening to them
And it means feeling betrayed by them when they let you down
And it means getting up again.
10/18/01
Not that I’m Bored or Anything...
Not that I’m bored or anything,
But I’m thinking about doing homework.
Not that I’m bored or anything,
But I’m thinking about coming clean.
Not that I’m bored or anything,
But I’m laughing about burping.
I wish I could entertain myself
I wish I had something fun (and free) to do
But all I can think of is that my foot’s really itchy...
Not that I’m bored or anything...
10/18/01
Put Together
I’ve heard it all before
Heard all of it and more
But I can’t seem to hear
What you’re saying, dear.
It sounds like an apology
But is that what it’s meant to be?
You tell me a piece
A little part of the story
And then I yearn for more
But when I get all the pieces
And put them together
The picture I get makes me sick.
I pretend to believe you now
But I’m lying to your face somehow
It’s because I have no reason to listen.
In these eyes the tears glisten
They shine but they’ll never fall
They never have, not for anyone at all.
You’ve said your piece
You’ve told me your story
I don’t want to hear any more
Now I’ve got all the pieces
And I’ve put them together
And the picture I see makes me sick.
10/11/01
You say, it will be alright soon
You say, I will feel better soon
I say, it will never be alright
I say, I will never feel better
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I don’t have it in me
I’m empty
There’s nothing left to feel.
You said, I’ll never hurt you
You said, you’ll never hurt
I said, you always hurt me
I said, I always hurt
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I don’t have it in me
I’m empty
There’s nothing left to feel
They say, they’ll miss me if I go
They say, they care for me
I say, no one cares
I say, no one cares
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I don’t have it in me
I’m empty
There’s nothing left to feel
So what if I leave?
So what if I stay?
No one would notice
Maybe it’s better that way
All I want is a little love
I don’t get it.
Never have
Never will.
I want to scream I want to cry I want to puke I want to die
But I don’t have it in me
I’m empty
There’s nothing left to feel.
10/4/01
On to Tomorrow
There’s something in your eyes
It’s beautiful to me
There’s something deep inside
That you just don’t, won’t see
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know where it’s from
I don’t know why it’s there
But it’s beautiful to me.
I want you to know the truth
But it’s so hard to say
I don’t want you around
But I can’t let you go away
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow
Tomorrow is just another day,
It’s something I hold dear
Tomorrow I will get my way
Which is to ignore my fear
I don’t know what it is
I don’t know what it’s of
I don’t know why it’s there
But it’s time to ignore the fear
I want you to know the truth
But it’s so hard to say
I still want you around,
But I know it’s better this way
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow
You hurt me before
Then you hurt me once more
And I can’t allow you to do it again
You made up for it before
And you’re trying to once more
But I won’t let you try it again
I want you to know the truth
But it’s so hard to say
I don’t want you around
I’ll make you go away
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow
Tomorrow is just another day
Nothing special at all
But tomorrow I’ll have my way
Tomorrow you’ll be gone.
I want and I need and I feel
And I move on to tomorrow.
9/27/01
Flying
Soaring through the sky
And feeling so alone, yet free,
Then I catch your eye,
And I know you're there for me.
It's like I'm a bird up here,
Flying and whirling so fast.
But I'm not afraid, I have no fear.
What's done is done, forget the past.
As I fly through the air,
Cooled in the clouds, warmed by the sun,
I can't see you but I feel you there.
It's a comfort knowing there's someone.
Someone who's flying with me,
And feeling alone, but so free.
Thinking that I'm finally home,
And feeling so free, but so alone.
9/27/01
Untitled
The end to the faerie tale
The beginning of a nightmare
And just when I thought all was fair,
Things get all screwed up once more.
As I read it I felt myself go pale
And I couldn't help but think of you as a "male"
There was something painful in there
Something that cuts you to the core.
And it hurts me even more,
This terrible end to a dreamed up faerie tale.
I've never given so much, only to lose it all
But I have found the strength to stay
Not to ignore the sun and the light of day
I don't need you to be me.
I have someone to support me and to break my fall.
I have people behind me, people big and small
And I love them more each day.
They are the people that I need
And that's who I want them to be.
I give them so much, and they give me their all.
I comfort myself with the everyday, the mundane.
I have no idea what you do to calm down.
Perhaps you should continue to frown,
If only for a short little while.
This all seems so inane
And you might think that I'd go insane
But I'm not going to, at least not now.
I don't know what you meant, but either way it's vile.
And I'm gaining confidence meanwhile.
But I still can't get you out of my brain.
GET OUT! I don't want you here right now.
9/26/01
Blind
How could I be so blind to innocence?
How could I be so blind to the truth?
How could I be so blind to you?
I'm hurt and
I'm confused and
I don't know when I can trust again
At least you told me
I could have heard from someone else.
I wish that things were how I want them to be
But they're not
And I have a choice:
To live with it
Or die.
I don't want to die, that's too easy.
It's too easy
It's the coward's way out, and I am braver than that.
This isn't something worth that.
I can handle it
I'm tough
And I still can't cry.
It's because I'm so blind to myself.
9/26/01
Coffee
Smell it, it's there
See it, it's there
Hear it, it's there
Feel it, it's there
Taste it, it's there
Know it, it's there
What you need to do is easy
Just smell
Just look
Just listen
Just feel
Just taste
Just think
And maybe for once I can be right.
9/26/01
Believing
I Believed in you
Now I don't believe you
I trusted in you
Now I don't trust you
I loved you
Now I am afraid.
Afraid that I lost myself again
And I don't know when I'll find me.
9/15/01
Explode
I feel like I'm bursting at the seams
That one by one the stitches holding me together are ripping
I have struggled before to retain stability
But never against so much that could make me fall
I don't know how long I can hold out
I don't know how long I can hold on to my sanity, to myself
A part of everyone has died
But I wonder if i wasn't dying already
I've always kept it all hidden inside, no mater what
But emotion and pain seethe just below the surface
Just below the surface of who I'm pretending to be
And I'm pretending to be strong
Pretending to be strong
If you don't bend, you'll break
And I'm bent backwards and upside down
And I'm ready to explode from it all.
9/12/01 (happy 19th birthday to me)
Shattered
Everything in ruins
All i knew is gone
thousands are gone
a sense of security that is no longer there
everything so close to home
but it is home
and i won't let anyone destroy it
or force me out of it
and even though life as i knew it is gone forever
i will go on
not everything is gone
i still have time to pick up the pieces
i still have people to help me move on
i still have time
8/29/01
Causing Pain
Causing pain
It seems it's all I do
I feel that pain
Whenever I look at you
I can't stand to do this now
I hate myself
For loving you
I hate to do this to you now
I can't stand myself
For not loving only you
And it makes me want to cry
And it makes me want to scream
And it makes me want to laugh
Because it hurts me
To hurt you
When I hurt myself
By loving
By feeling
Causing pain
It's the only thing I do
I feel that pain
Whenever I look at you
Causing pain
8/29/01
Don't Think about It
('Cause it hurts me too)
You think we should be married
But we're not
You think we should be together
But we're not
You think that there is magic with us
Maybe there is, or maybe there was,
But we're not
I thought we were, but we're not
Not so long ago
We won't be
Not when I have you
I would rather suffer
Ten thousand times over
Than what I already am now
I would rather suffer
Than do that to you
I can't make me change
You think we should
But we're not
And that's all that matters
8/29/01
Plain and Simple
Missing you as you sit home and twiddle your thumbs
Missing you as you sit home and do you homework
Missing you as you go out with the fam
Missing you as you go out with the clique
Plain and simple, kid
You crack me up
You keep my head on straight
And I thought I was supposed to be the responsible example
Missing you as I sit here and try to twiddle my thumbs
Missing you as I sit here and avoid my homework
Missing you as I go out with the class
Missing you as I go out with the friends
Plain and simple, kid
You crack me up
You make me see past me
And I thought I was supposed to be the strong one
But you're the only sis I've got
Plain and simple, kid
8/25/01
No One at Home
There are lights on in the house
But there’s no one at home.
There are people on the streets
But there’s no one at home.
I head for the house
But there’s no one at home.
It’s like I left a long time ago,
And now I can’t go back
Even though, I am back
And there’s nowhere else for me to go.
There are people in my house
But I don’t feel at home.
This is my family
But I don’t feel at home
It’s like I don’t belong here anymore
And I don’t feel at home.
It’s like I left for good a short time ago
And I thought I could come back
But now that I am back,
I’m not home, with nowhere else to go.
The lights are on, there are people there
But for me, I’m never at home.
There’s people outside, and my family within,
But for me, this is no longer home.
I want to be back where I belong
I want to go home.
8/1/01
Switches
There are switches in my mind
That no one turns off
When I need them to most
There are switches in my head
That someone turns on
When I expect it least
These switches that some ghost
Is playing with in my brain
Direct new trains of thought,
Or derail the old ones.
These switches that I
Didn’t know were there
Wreak havoc on me
And you.
Because “on” let’s me think one thing,
And that’s what I share,
But “off” switches are the opposite,
And I tell you that too.
There are switches
In the vacuum of my mind
And just when things look brightest,
Someone switches off the lights.
There are switches
In the wasteland of my mind
And just when things look bleakest,
Someone switches on the lights.
And I change my mind
Again.
8/1/01
La Máscara
Cada persona tiene una cara
Pero muchas personas se llevan la máscara.
No quieren que el mundo puede ver
Lo que se creen, que pueden hacer.
También yo tengo una máscara para mí
No quiero ninguno, sólo yo leí
Las palabras en esto corazón de mí,
Las palabrotas en esto corazón de mí.
Hay dos personas en el mundo, quien yo amo mejor,
Y ellos me ven, mejor, y peor.
Para ellos, me quito la máscara
Que pueden ver mi cara.
**translation? Click here**
7/21/01
Twisted
You captured the heart of me so long ago
But I didn’t know it then.
You’ve always been afraid to let your feelings show
But you’ve always been a friend.
Then he stole a piece of me away from you
And you knew what you’d had
I let you steal a bigger piece of me too
And loving you both isn’t bad
It’s just that I’m twisted for him
And I’m twisting for you
And I have absolutely, positively no idea what to do.
You’ve got me all tied up
And it’s my heart you’ve got trapped
And I’m twisting myself into a big mess again.
I can’t live without one, I’m not complete without the other
Who is which, I’m not sure
You’re both dear friends, you’re more dear than a brother
Though with both, something more.
I try to let him take me away, but I just can’t do it now
I know I should, wish I could
You mean the world to me, and I wish I could show you how
How I love you, how I care, wish I could.
I’m tying myself in knots once again
I’m tying my heart in huge knots once again
I’m locking myself up and throwing away the key
I’m tying myself in knots once again
I’m tying my mind in huge knots again
I’m locking myself up and throwing away the key
I wish I hadn’t let you in
I wish I hadn’t let myself go
I wish I wish… but it’s too late
And just when I thought I had untangled myself
It’s just that I’m twisted for you
And I’m twisting for him
And I have absolutely, positively no idea what to do.
You’ve got me all tied up
And it’s my heart you’ve got trapped
And I’m twisting myself into a big mess again.
And I’ve twisted myself into a big mess again.
7/21/01
The sun once set in the east
On the eve of some kingdom’s great feast
All the subjects were toasted
Though the pigs were quite roasted
Said the King, “Got rid of the Queen, at least.”
7/18/01
I don’t deserve this
I didn’t do anything wrong
I don’t deserve this
I shouldn’t be writing this song
I don’t deserve this
Don’t try to tell me I do
I don’t deserve this
I don’t deserve you.
