US MONARCHY UNCOVERED IN SOUTHERN STATES
Special to the Times

Deep South, USA - You don't have to be a Hatfield or a McCoy to fiercely defend your stake in the history of this great country. Recently uncovered, and thought long gone the way of the Romanovs, a southern family has declared its rule. No wayward Anastasia here - this family is intact and ready to expand their empire beyond the confines of the trailer park.

"Me family and me go back a ways. Great grand pop Jeb, who I named all my sons and females after, owned upwards of 78.2 acres of swamp in this here area. Not incontinent to sit on his fortune he dreamed of plantin' bull rushes and someday ownin' marsh," admits grandson Jeb Jebson.

The family has been in these southern parts since before living in the swamp was fashionable. "It all started when the family first came to this these here parts and settled in the midst of the swamp that there way. Bein' surrounded by swamp meant not goin' out too much. Sisters and brothers startin' to become mighty attractive to each another and all in that a way there. Like them English and their motes we just started our own royal family."

The similarities between the beloved Windsor's and the Jebson's don't end there. As Jeb explains, "We was spendinn' some time breedin' them there Corgi dogs. We got a few of them females but never really had much luck. It was awkward seeing how them legs are so close to the ground you almost had to snap 'em in two like a wishbone just ta enter." They then figured they should just concentrate on what they knew best - squatting.

The initial investment for the land proved a sound financial one when the government made a sizable offer to turn the swamp into a wildlife preserve. Each family member and their respective sister-wife moved into their own trailer at the Southern Castle Park Trailer Park. Jeb's father-uncle became an integral part of the community and often oversaw land disputes (settling the great "Awning War" of 1936) and making money selling his homemade wares to the tourist folk. It was the latter enterprise that brought down the family and rendered the monarchy broke with no land ownership and unable to be within 50 feet of any species. "Grampa Jeb did not know no better," admits Jeb. "He be self taught and tryin' to do right for the family. We was makin' good money sellin' and no one thought to break his heart by tellin' that 'wildlife preserve' don't mean ya jar and spread 'em on toast."

Their precious land was gone and a life of prestige within their community was now past but they had the strength to go on. "From what I hears about them royals in English land, the government pays for them to live and function and so does ours. We is more the same then different from our counter points across the great water."

Much has been said and done for the Natives of our country but there is another group that needs our help - the lost Monarchies of the Deep South. Once strong and plentiful they dwindle and have been forced to procreate outside the family producing children that are virtually unidentifiable to them. Book learnin' threatens to pervert their ways and the 'youngins' are no longer content to follow in their parents-uncle-aunts ways. They must be free to live off the land and on each other.

A special report by Sindy Gordon.