PAIDAEA 1

 

Topic: Slash fanfiction

 

Panelists:

-Storm of the X-Men (comic, not movie)

-Kabuki of the comic book Kabuki

-Alec from the novel Swordspoint

-Tom Sawyer

-Alice from Wonderland

-Kenny from South Park

 

Moderator: Raietta 

 

MODERATOR: Okay, guys, the topic for today is slash fanfiction. Who wants to start? Storm?

 

STORM: Very well. I have no argument against slash fiction, myself, but I do have objections to small children being a part of this particular discussion.

 

MODERATOR: Huh?

 

STORM [pointing]: Are not these children too young to be discussing slash fanfiction?

 

ALICE: What’s slash fanfiction?

 

TOM: I’m old enough!

 

MODERATOR: Slash fiction is a subgenre of fanfiction, where two characters of the same gender engage in a little... sexual activity. It can be romantic, it can be brutal, it can be indifferent, it can be wild, it can even be chaste, with one character yearning for the other, but no actual sex. There can even be slash fic where the two main characters don’t interact at all throughout the story.

 

ALICE: Oh. What’s fanfiction?

 

TOM: And what’s a fic?

 

KENNY: Mmm mmmhmm mmf hm hm?

 

MODERATOR: What?

 

[Kabuki sighs and begins sharpening a sickle.]

 

MODERATOR: Okay. [takes deep breath] Fanfiction is where someone writes a story about characters that are on TV, or in the movies, or in a book, or whatever.

 

ALICE: Oh.

 

MODERATOR: So anyway—

 

ALICE: What’s TV?

 

MODERATOR: Oh Lord.

 

KENNY [gesturing wildly]: mhff mfm hmmhmm hmf.

 

STORM: Perhaps you should remove your hood, child. It is rather hard to understand what you are saying.

 

KENNY: Mf mf mf.

 

TOM: What did he say?

 

MODERATOR: Nobody knows. Let’s move on. Slash fic. Okay.

 

ALICE: But I still don’t understand what TV is.

 

TOM: Oh, it’s one of those... it’s a sort of a kite.

 

ALICE: A kite?

 

TOM: Yes. And it’s shaped like a dragon. Orientals have them in their little pedagogues.

 

KABUKI: That’s pagoda, not pedagogue, and what are you babbling about?

 

TOM: And they wear these silk robes, and have yellow skin, and own tigers. And they speak funny.

 

KABUKI: I love it when Americans showcase their racism and bigotry to others. It sparks this warm spot right in my heart.

 

MODERATOR: I don’t think it’s racism and bigotry so much as ignorance and a wild imagination and misinformation.

 

[Kabuki continues to sharpen sickle.]

 

MODERATOR: Okay. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Alec? You haven’t said anything yet, would you like to comment on the topic?

 

ALEC [lazily]: What was the topic, again?

 

STORM: Slash fiction.

 

ALEC: Ah.

 

[silence]

 

MODERATOR: Um... would you like to say something on the subject? Perhaps?

 

ALEC: I’m a gay or most probably bisexual fictional character with a male lover. What do you think my opinion of slash would be?

 

TOM: A man? Eeewww!

 

KENNY: Mmmf mf mhhhmmm mf m! [giggles]

 

ALICE: What’s a lover?

 

STORM: I must repeat, Raietta, that I do not approve of small children being present at this discussion.

 

ALEC: And as for that, neither do I, surprisingly. Apparently I do have morals, after all.

 

MODERATOR [after silently counting to ten]: Fine. Okay. All right. Alice, Tom, and Kenny, please leave the room. You can all go back to your respective genres now.

 

ALICE: What’s a genre?

 

MODERATOR: I don’t know. Now scram.

 

[Alice, Kenny, and Tom all get up from the table and begin to file out the door. Suddenly, there is an earthquake in the room, and everyone is thrown to the floor. Kabuki’s sickle flies out of her hand and embeds itself in the floor, vibrating, but not before slicing neatly through Kenny’s neck and decapitating him.]

 

ALICE: Gaaaaahhhh!

 

TOM: Ohh, look at all the blood!

 

KABUKI: Ooops, sorry about that.

 

ALEC: Hey, neat! Can you do that on demand?

 

MODERATOR: God dammit! Now Kenny’s dead! This paidaea sucks!

 

STORM: Poor little boy. It’s a good thing he’s animated, and not a real boy, or this would be very upsetting.

 

ALEC: The blood’s spreading. Quick, someone, get a mop.

 

ALICE [fainting]: Oooooggg... [KATHUNK!]

 

[The meeting now halts for a short recess.]

 

* * *

 

[Ten minutes later, paidaea is back in session.]

 

MODERATOR: Okay, where were we?

 

ALEC: You mean before or after the little boy’s head got sliced off and rolled around the floor?

 

STORM: You terrible man.

 

ALEC: I don’t seem to recall you shedding any tears for the kid.

 

MODERATOR: Cut it out, you two.

 

[Storm and Alec glare at one another, then ignore one another. Kabuki rolls her eyes and, taking out a knife, begins to sharpen it.]

 

MODERATOR: Okay, since we lost three of our panelists in one way or another [coughs], we’ve brought in two new panelists to help fill out our paidaea. Everyone, I’d like to introduce Tanith Lee's Rachaela Scarabae and Ellen Ripley's clone, from Alien 3.

 

RACHAELA: [sigh]

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: [sharky grin]

 

ALEC: [uneasily] Er, hello.

 

STORM: A pleasure to meet you both. I am not acquainted with Miss Rachaela, but I did enjoy Sigourney Weaver's character in the Alien movies.

 

MODERATOR: Rachaela is a protagonist in a series of novels about a crazy vampire-like family. Her lover is a man who dresses like a woman.

 

ALEC: [suddenly interested] Rea-lly?

 

RACHAELA: I suppose so.

 

STORM: So then I would conclude that you advocate the slash subgenre?

 

RACHAELA: I suppose so.

 

STORM: Ah.

 

ALEC: Your lover, does he wear makeup, too?

 

RACHAELA: [peevish silence]

 

MODERATOR: ...Yes...

 

ALEC: And wear his hair like a woman's?

 

RACHAELA: [annoyed silence]

 

MODERATOR: ...Yes...

 

ALEC: So, altogether, would you say he looks just like a woman, except when naked?

 

RACHAELA: [stony silence]

 

MODERATOR: ...Yes...

 

ALEC: Hmmm. My kinky side is aroused.

 

MODERATOR: You don't have a kinky side. You're just sarcastic, suicidal and misanthropic. No kinkiness at all exists in you!

 

ALEC: Well, no. You do have a point to this, right?

 

MODERATOR: Oh my God. Let's move on. Kabuki. We haven't heard your opinion on the slash genre. Would you like to share with the group, now?

 

KABUKI: I like girls. David Mack likes to write about girls who like girls in his work, and illustrates these girls in suggestive manners. Slash fiction, hailing from as early as the sixties, is merely a continuation of the fanfiction phenomenon. If one has objections to slash fiction, then he or she should be objecting to the fanfiction genre as a whole, as it infringes on copyrights and steals characters from their owners, and would not seem to require any real talent for character creation or development, good plotlines, or any originality whatsoever-- not slash by itself. Slash fiction is merely one facet of the fanfiction genre, and to deny it while accepting gen or het fanfic would be illogical and hypocritical to the extreme. As for me, personally, slash is acceptable to me, when I bother to think about it at all. [begins playing with a gun]

 

MODERATOR: Okay.

 

STORM: [sigh]

 

MODERATOR: This is good. We're discussing the issue and making relevant points and pros and cons. Let's continue the good progress! Rachaela?

 

RACHAELA: [silence]

 

MODERATOR: You have anything to say about slash?

 

RACHAELA: No.

 

MODERATOR: What about fanfiction in general? Do you find it offensive or wrong?

 

RACHAELA: No.

 

MODERATOR: Okay... Ripley's Clone! What do you have to say on the subject?

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: [to Kabuki] That's a nice gun you have there.

 

KABUKI: [smiling] Thanks. It's a Robar Super Deluxe with a .45 ACP magazine. The trigger's a little catchy, but it's a good gun.

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: [sitting next to Kabuki] Mmm. You handle it nicely.

 

KABUKI: [smiles]

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: You killed anyone with it, yet?

 

KABUKI: Just earlier today.

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: Nice. Can I see it? [licks her lips suggestively]

 

ALEC: Uhh... This is getting just a smidge racy, here.

 

KABUKI: [leaning in toward Ripley's Clone] Watch out. Guns are illegal. Someone might get... hurt...

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: [leaning in toward Kabuki] Oh, I think I can handle it.

 

KABUKI: Do you like guns?

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: I prefer to use my hands, but guns're all right once in a while.

 

KABUKI: Watch out. I leave scars.

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: Watch out. I bleed acid.

 

KABUKI: Oh, yeaaaahhh...

 

[Kabuki and Ripley's Clone suddenly leap on one another and begin tearing one another's clothes off, growling and licking each other. They begin making out on the floor.]

 

ALEC: Eewwwww!!! Public sexual displays annoy the hell out of me!

 

STORM: This is wildly inappropriate. I feel we should end this panel, now.

 

MODERATOR: Yeah, I guess you're right. Everyone okay with ending this?

 

ALEC: Ewww... get me outta here...

 

MODERATOR: Rachaela? You okay with ending the paidaea?

 

RACHAELA: I suppose so. [takes bottle of vodka out of a pocket, begins to drink in earnest]

 

MODERATOR: Okay. That's it. We're done here.

 

KABUKI: Rrrarr!!! [giggle]

 

RIPLEY'S CLONE: Rrroooaaagghhh!!! [giggle]

 

 

****The End****