This isn't going to be some windy dissertation on why we got started in the ranting business, nor will it be a windy proof of the intrinsic social value of this site... nor will it be me showing off my man-sized vocabulary, so let's stop right there.
Right, we'll start with the baby of the site, the rant. Now, it may seem that these rants are nothing more than sardonic, unresearched opining in which we pull facts straight out of our asses, but that's most definitely not the case. It's a long, arduous process which is made bearable by the sheer absence of deadlines. That's right, we don't get paid for this. Kinda gives the site a whole new coat of shellack, right? All shiny and slippery and such.
To start, before you even think about ranting even a little bit, you need to be able to effectively communicate in your mother tongue. In my case, this is english. Now, I spend a lot of time on bolt.com's message boards, and I notice more often than not, people are committing more and more grievous atrocities against the english language. You won't get your point across with language like
or my most hated form of writing:
You see? Very hard to read. I'd like to direct your attention to a little key to the left of your keyboard. That's right, past c, x and z... no, that's shift... Yes, one key up. That's right. That's the "Caps Lock" key. Make sure the corresponding light (usually at the top right of your keyboard) is turned OFF. This will ensure that people won't look at you like a loudmouthed idiot. It'll also prevent them from throwing garbage at your illiterate ass.
Second, use punctuation. Even in my most informal ICQ conversations, I make sure to capitalize and punctuate where necessary. Why do I do this? You ask. Are you some sort of anal-retentive preppy bastard? Well, the answer (and I'm sorry to disappoint you) is no. I'm 17 and in high school. I have to write fucking essays, and there's no sense getting bad habits when they'll hurt my grades. This also leads to credibility in your writing, because if you at least sound literate, people will overlook the facts that you DO pull out of your ass.
Now you're probably getting miffed that I'm basically telling you to go back to school and pay attention. Well, no, you don't have to. Just read. A lot. Internet game reviews (that's where I get most of my stuff), books (I'll list some if you wanna get started), magazines, comic books... basically anything that people are paid to write. You can't take on any writing project without the basic skills.
Try some of these books to get you started:
Great, now you've learned to crawl, so let's go for a jog, so to speak.
The second step is to find a subject. Sometimes this can be difficult, especially if you're working on a deadline. Since we're not getting paid and Angelfire is a free service, we're pretty lax with our deadlines. We do work when the spirit moves us. Pretty sweet, no?
In order to satirize something, you have to have a strong or at least mildly strong reaction to it. Something that makes you mad is usually a good place to start. Anger is a good sauce for creativity because you write on sheer passion. If you look up "LeChacal" on Bolt.com and read some of my later "diary" entries, you'll see what I mean. When I'm angry, I get funny. It's weird how that works. So think about things that make you shake your head in disgust, that make you angry, that you want to do something about.
Next, for god's sake, research your project. People love to pick on other people, and if you blatantly pull facts out of your ass, they'll tear into you like Rosie on a baked ham. Internet, books, interviews, what have you, it's all good. Make sure you document your sources as well. It's basically like writing essays for school, but if you do it right you can really fuck with people. People tend to have their opinions controlled by what they read.
You probably also want to get your stuff on the internet so it can be seen and marvelled over by the drooling masses, right? Of course. I personally just use the built in Angelfire basic editor. You don't need to mess with hardcore HTML, but it's a good idea to have a little background in it. There are a ton and a half of places you can learn HTML, but for the basic stuff, you can just check out this link and read up. I picked up HTML on my own, it's very easy and gives your writing a little extra punch.
Of course, you can just as easily use a program like FrontPage or Microsoft Publisher and save it as a *.html file. (i.e. "mypage.html"), then upload it. Both Geocities and Angelfire have an upload function.
Okay, so you've got your language skills, you've got your software, and now it's time for the writing. This is the hardest part, and nobody can teach you how to write well. You can learn the rules until you have a long grey beard (women included, it just takes longer), but nobody can teach you to be a better writer. It just takes practise.
Personally, I like to just write the whole thing freehand, no editing, no planning, just writing on sheer force of will. The more structured people might just want to write it up in word or something beforehand, then copy/paste it in and add the HTML later. That works too.
So you write and write. If you want to do a really good job, save your file, go have a nap, play some video games, make a sandwich, eat it, have some milk, have another nap and then come back and read it again and see where you screwed up. But now you've finally finished your rant. Now it's time to gussy it up.
It's sometimes a good idea to have images to go along with your rant. Images give the reader a further impression of what the rant is going to be about. You can go to the internet for this art and take other peoples' as long as you document your source. If you're getting paid to do rants, however, this can get you into a big snafu with the law. Just be careful.
That is basically all I can tell you on the subject of ranting. Now take these tips to heart and have some fun with it.
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