Sure, every nation has its national drink of choice. Russia has its vodka, Japan has its Sake, England has its Gin, Scotland has its whiskey, Jamaica has its Rum. The list goes on and on and on. But imagine my surprise when I discovered that practically every nation on this fair earth has beer in at least some form.
It's insane, to be sure, but Canada is not the only beer drinking country. America has that warm piss they seem to think will get them drunk (wussies), England has beer, Australia has good ol' Foster's, Ireland has Guinness, Mexico has Corona (so does a lot of South America), Cuba has beer, even JAPAN has beer!
With such a glaring similarity, coupled with the fact that beer was developed around the same time all over the world, it makes things like racism and war seem pretty damned stupid, doesn't it?
Why should we fight when we can all sit down and try the beer from all over the world? Why make war when we can all get trashed and sing off-key and off-colour songs? Why do the KKK burn crosses when they can take off those goddamned stupid hoods and get down to some serious drinking with the people they think they need to hate? Why does America impose sanctions on Cuba when George Dubyah can split a case of Bud with Castro? It's all very silly, when you think about it.
So here is my proposal:
Why don't we take Canada Day (big drinking day in Canada), July 4th, Cinco de Mayo, Oktoberfest, and hell, any other drinking holiday that exists, and just mash them all together into one big week-long worldwide beerfest? I mean, we'd need another week to recuperate, but think about it:
You'd have Serbs drinking with Croatians, Iraquis drinking with Americans, Americans drinking with Cubans, Canadians having another excuse to get trashed and say words like "koozie"!
The whole world would be united for one week at the very least while everyone gets tanked. It'd be a greater armistice than the Olympics!
Imagine an age where wars aren't fought with big bombs, and millions of people getting killed for no reason whatsoever. Where wars are fought amongst the diplomats who start them! Only instead of with weapons, it's just one big drunken brawl, followed by another couple rounds bought by the losers and some more "I love you, buddy. Yer thuh besht buddy in th' whoo - *urp* - whole WORLD!" s.
Sure, it's all based around drinking, about which all those wussies say "alcohol is poison!", "Drinking is bad!", "alcohol kills!". Stupid shit like that. It's not the beer's fault your a dumbass. But still, isn't a monumental hangover and a few days that are a total blank to you worth world peace? Eyes on the big picture, friends.
Anyway, that's my big, rollicking, drunken idea, do with it what you will. Tell me if I'm crazy.
Mark Edwards is off to buy a keg and negotiate some peace treaties.
Image is © Guinness
