Today we're going in a totally-but-not-quite-different direction from last week (sort of) 's rant. Yes, from the holy domain of Bruce Campbell straight into the crappiness of today's music. Pour yourself an everclear, this is gonna be a long one.
Alright, I'll dive right into it. What the hell is up with rap music nowadays? Well, not just the music (because hell, that's been done to death, right?) but also the image/lifestyle that people seem to claim a god-given right to because they listen to this type of music. Yeah, this is a gross generalization, but I'll be a son of a monkey's uncle (which I guess would make me a cousin of a monkey, but let's not think in terms of family here) if I'll listen to the bitching of you deranged fans o' mine.
My main beef, you see (if you didn't already quit reading after I insulted your honour) is with those pretentious sons-of-bitches who think of themselves as either "Cowboys", or "Gangsters" (I guess it'd be "Gangst-ahhhs", to use the vernacular), or even "Pimps".
Let's tackle the cowboy image first of all. I present to you two images: First, we have your classic cowboy, such as, say, "The Duke" (aka John Wayne). You know, honourable, simple bloke. Nothing that special, maybe even smells a little bit.
Now we have your new-age Kid Rock/Uncle Kracker/ basically-any-mother-fucking-wannabe-tough-guy that exists nowadays. Believe me, we've got a lot of 'em. These're the people with the tight leather pants and the designer faux-cowboy shit. How is that a cool image? I just don't get it. Maybe that's my problem - I don't get it. But still, you have to admit that anyone who runs around in leather pants and a shiny shirt with piped-cloth lassoes looks pretty fuckin' stupid.
Second: We have the "Gangst-aahhh". Oh lord... sure, I understand the modern connoitation - That being that it's now "cool" to be part of a violent group of drug-addicts. These people don't even fucking know what gangs're like. Neither do I, but I know someone who does, and trust me, the "cool" image of it is nothing.
Call me old-fashioned, but whenever I hear the word "gangster", I picture a 1930's organized-crime man in a grey pinstriped suit, matching fedora, a Driver's License (forged) bearing the name "Muggsy", and a tommy gun in a violin case. I mean, if you're trying to be a tough guy to get the ladies, why the hell would you want that parallel hanging over your head?
Finally, the "Pimp" image. This is the one that really gets my goat. As Sean would say, 3212? (for "WTF"). See, being a pimp isn't glamourous. It's all about wearing really fucking stupid clothes and taking advantage of women with drug habits to feed. That's not something that you really want to be associated with. I mean, imagine it:
"Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"I wanna be a pimp daddy just like my big brother!"
Yeah, that's a great example to be giving little kids. Next thing you know he's gonna be running around trying to "bust a cap in Big Bird's ass" or something. I just don't get it.
My final beef is that women are actually attracted to these jackasses. I mean, sure, they have bad teeth, can't spell, and listen to some really fucking awful music, but for some reason women are drawn to these hammerheads. Yeah, lots of them say that they don't like that sort of thing, but come the fuck on, if women didn't go for it then why would they do it? Can someone explain that to me? No? I didn't think so.
So I leave it up to you, loyal readers, should we lobby to abolish this new culture of stupidity or should we let these "Cowboys", "Gangstas" and "Pimps" have their fun in hopes that they'll pack away the leather pants, fur coats and "hoes" and become sane human beings? Maybe it's a question man was not supposed to ask...
