May 5th, 2001 - Why it's good to be a guy

Well, it's cinco de mayo in certain spanish countries, which has absolutely nothing to do with this rant, but why not broaden our horizons? Today's rant is a helluva break from the dark, heavy, relevant stuff I've been bitching about lately. Yep, today is all about why it's great to be a guy. Guys, read on and feel proud of your masculinity, girls, realize just how hard it is for us to watch movies in our underwear and drink beer.

• Guys like explosions. Car crash explosions, truck crash explosions, plane crash explosions, C4 on the propane tank explosions, or the classic exploding milk truck, explosions are what make life great.
• Guys like to drink. Mostly beer. Sure, some guys (aka pussy bitches) say "oh, but I don't like the taste of beer!", and therefore stick with hard liquor, but beer is a man's drink. Some of my favourite brands of beer are Molson, Labatt, and Guinness. If YOU like beer, click here.
• Guys like fire. Big fire. None of that womanish lighter-in-front-of-the-aerosol-can crap. Think more along the lines of lighter-in-front-of-the-science-lab-natural-gas-tube. Guys like flammable liquids. Basically anything that results in a BIG flame.
• Guys like competition. Ask any guy. We love video games, deathmatch games, team sports, car racing, anything that pits one man against another in a violent struggle.
• Guys like movies. Especially movies with any combination of explosions, action, martial arts, car chases (and the resultant crashes), or gigantic war scenes.
• Guys like meat. Sure, there are some vegetarian men, but EESH, are they really men? I think not. What guy doesn't love the sight, smell and taste of freshly grilled/fried meat? What guy doesn't drool at the mere mention of the words "meatball sub"? What guy doesn't drool at the mere mention of sandwiches? Meat is what makes being a guy great.
• Guys like BIG things. Big fire, big cars, big sandwiches, big steaks, big explosions, big games, big thoughts, big drinks. To us, bigger is better.
• Guys like the outdoors. Especially camping. Camping allows guys to get away from tedious everyday things, and combines great stuff like beer, fire, and meat with the sheer joy of being out in the wilderness like some sort of bear.
• Guys like women. Girls are what makes it great to be a guy, especially if you're single. Guys especially like boobs. Very hard to concentrate if there are boobs around. That may sound shallow, but remember these are only aspects of it.
• Finally, guys like milk. Think about it, is there anything an icy cold glass of milk can't do? I mean, milk vs. Ultraman? Milk would have that guy licked. Milk campaigning in 2002? Move over George dubyah AND Jean Chretien and hell, move over Dalai Lama as well. Milk is god.

There you have it. A list of several things that come to mind when you think "man". Now women and you non-beer drinking wussies might think that that list is a bit shallow, right? Well sure, guys are much deeper than that. We like talking to women, we like walking with women, and we like sex (but who doesn't?) So with all these things, why is it really that great to be a guy? Well, being a guy means that you're allowed to play violent video games, watch cartoons while drinking, watch movies that some might think "asinine", or "pointless", or even "stupid", and still enjoy them because they rouse your manly blood.

It's important to have pride in your sex, especially if you're a WHITE male, because it seems that whenever people have a chip on their shoulder, they have to blame someone. Being white is hard enough, because you can't express chagrin with any other race without being called racist, but other races can make fun of white people without a care in the world. Women can make fun of men without a care in the world, but when men make fun of women, they're called sexist. It's really not fair these days towards white men, so we have to band together and have pride in ourselves because it seems that lots of people think we suck.

All whining aside, it really just feels good to grab some nachos and beer, watch movies in your underwear and read Victoria's Secret.

I should probably add that guys can be sensitive and intellectual as well, and we frequently are. I have good table manners when I need to, and I read intelligent books. (For instance, read Joe Gould's Secret ((or see the movie)) by Joseph Mitchell. It's absolutely brilliant.)

But in conclusion, if you're a guy, you like everything in the list above, and you like TV, watch the Man Show on the comedy network (on the SHAW network). What a show, it's awesome! So men of the world unite, we've got it pretty good.

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