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back to my fashionably appointed bayside ashram
Well preparations are underway for a glorious christmas at my fashionably appointed bayside ashram and vip devotees (stevie and mooseman) are flocking in. off we go to the maha saibyebye superdooper ally ooper speciality deli to consider my christmas address. once there all gaze upon my picture on the wall and my most famous utterance emblazoned beneath: 'here ya dont get service for love. ' stevie seems troubled and hands me a paper..'look at this maha,' he implores. and so i do, with one half of my pure illuminated intellect tied behind my back..just to make it fair. I reproduce if below:
SLEIGHTINGS
by devotee davey
What you will read is shocking. it shocked me and will shock all who read it. read this and you will be professor of shocks at the university of shockland. if youd have asked me just two years a go would i be writing this i would have been shocked then and im even more shocked by this shocking truth now.....
..'what do ya think ' enquires stevie
'this guy could learn to use a semi colon' i say...
'well read on it gets worse...'
he was right (and the punctuation still stank)...
...I was for many years main organiser of the vast maha saibyebye cd collection. i had many interviews and it was one that shocked me into the shocking realisation that i had been fooled by this guy. i mean saibyebye really puts the sham in ashram. heres what shockingly happened..
we were in the interview room and all was going as usual. saibybye was asking the ladies 'you have husband..'
'no saibyebye'
'ok davey make anote of that...'
we thought nothing strange when the maha exclaimed..'hey look up there at the sky i think the moon has got my face on it'
all looked up but as i was noting the name of concetta a young devotee from italy in my book i saw instead the maha clearly take a fortune cookie from the back pocket of his gucci travelling slacks.
maha then exclaimed ' hey concetta you want the mahas gift.'
now this was not the most shocking event of that day read on....
Concetta was led into the inner room by maha and we were all so pleased for her though i was troubled by the cookie incident, figuring it to be a test by my beloved byebye. but while we waited we distinctly heard the sound of scuffling behind the curtain and i am sure i hear the maha humming 'sexual healing' by mr marvin gaye. minutes later concetta emerged in tears and maha following, somewhat dissaranged.
well, stevie says that it dont end there and he shows me a post from the new 'maha saibyebye shocking expose' website:
POST2361 Concetta (italia) 0930 (EST)
My name ees Concetta and i havesomething to say about maha that is not very nice thing to be saying. maha made pass at me in room. he say to me..concetta you see me in your dreams baby. then he hold up hees hand and say..hey concetta in this hand is everything and nothing. i say maha you not get nothing from me and he get very angry. then we fight and i cry. he say sshh you gotta the bad karma concetta 'when i get the feeling i need sexual healing...'then i run.
end
I go a little pale but am gratified by the reply of one of my most faithful followers...
Post NO: 2348 Shakthirakthiradhinamavali 009
Concetta you are obviously one of gutsy daveys lackies. you a crying cos maha didnt give you what you wanted thats all. you are a liar and you dont even know what advaita means so nah to you.
I say 'why davey i mean he was one of my faves. ok i used to call him fatboy but he seemed to like it.' i am getting in a state of samadhi and everyone feels i might bilocate so we adjourn to my fashinably appointed bayside ashram to consider my festive discourse. now some say davey has a grudge and i admit i was harsh in not letting him sit on the hood of my muursaydeez for fear of him flipping it over but thats grace i mean get used to it.
Some say my discourses are patched together from others and are not mine. i deny this to my vip devotees. ok so i might have been caught last year when i said....
devotees, dont worry 'bout a thing, cos every lil thing gonn be alright.' ok so i might have got it from bob marley but he looked deeeevine as well. so what.
the rigours of absorbing daveys treachery and the accusation of unseemly sparshan and sambarshan from concetta lead me to reach for a little more heineken prasad than i ought. in such a state i write my discourse..
Devotees hey look ok i may be poorna avatar but i got needs, i got appetites,
but stevie thoughtfully suggests:
devoties god has come to walk amongst you as man.
Not such a ring as mine but i go with it.
I fall into fitfiul sleep with the sound of overseas devotees gathered outside singing:
maha you are more stylish than gucci
maha you are more precious than Boss
maha you are well cut armani
nothing compares to the designer clothes you wear.
I hate christmas. i much prefer the spring and my own personal favorite festival: armani-namavali. then my beloved emporio has the very latest colors and i always look at my most deeevine of course. for now i must do the christmas thing and i am under considerable pressuure. now i hear swedish ex devotee bjornbenni agneethason has renounced me. how could he do that? isnt sweden near lapland i mean its hardly in the seasons spirit is it. Treacherous davey continues to drone on his maha saibyebye shock expose website as well. his latest offering:
POST 2688 DAVEY 0945 EST
it shocks me to write this and it will shock you once again. to read this is so shocking you will need the shockwave plugin. now swallow the arnica and read: the mahas gifts are all worthless tat. maha gave me a beautiful shiny watch in 98. he said the two golden arches on the fron symbolised love and devotion. he told me never to turn the watch over because if i did it would become worthless. now this was tricky and once in the bathroom it fell on the floor and i had to half close my eyes not to break mahas command. i prayed for a week for my beloved byebyes forgivness. now i see clearly. i took the watch to bonds in london and was so shocked when the shocking news came back of the true inscription on the reverse: free with macdonalds we love ronald promotion. it was then the sickeningly shocking truth dawned on me. the image on the face that i had taken to be my maha was actually that of mr ronald macdonald that popular promotional icon of the macdonalds corporation. i was so...............
I'll save you the last bit.
Concetta continues to attack me also
I was so upset. My day was wrecked when i passed a couple of construction workers on Haight/Ashbury who turned on me with a wicked perversion of my signature utterance:
'Why fear the maha aint queer'
Really, i hate christmas.
Things are looking down. all i can do is try to limit the heineken prasad and pray to the holy mother (donna karan). I hardly can tie one half of my illuminate jiva behind my back (just to make it fair). VIp devotees (stevie and mooseman) flock in to whisk me in the muursayydeez to the superdooper speciality deli for a makeover.
I sense some resentment in the back seat as i allow monique, overseas devotee to ride up front. still nothing like a walnut gearknob to get the kundalini rising. At the superduper i enjoy one of randy's pickled eggs. i love those critters. stevie has a radical suggestion. he says we are not 'on message' after the davey thing. he suggest a guru makeover ala the rikki lake show. i say i am already deeevine of course. he is insistent and as he retranslates my discourses (substituting shiva and vishnu for armani and gucci) i go along.
and so i find myself in the back room of the superduper under an industrial perm machine. i emerge looking like a microphone cover or an extra in boogie nights. now i got the maha makeover and i aint sure. i tell stevie i look like mickey dolenz after he left the monkees to persue a solo career i mean hey lets go the whole way, hand me a poncho. but stevie has other ideas.
Horror he pulls out, well i can only say its a kind of orange fish tail affair. i search for the label, there isnt one. theres no escaping it. davey says to try it on and anyhow he got a job lot, we can afford to give them away. We assemble a focus group and offer them bounteous heineken prasad. I shuffle out ex my gucci loafers to rapturous applause, davey behind holding up the 'before' photo.
The assembled applaud wildly and i admit i can still perform my deeevine twirl. ala rikki i say i have something to say to that rat davey....i am dissin' you cos you aint all that bro..'
The we return to my fashionably appointed bayside ashram for a discourse in my new incarnation.
Now i got awhole new look. stevie reminds me that its also a whole new incarnation. i am now maha saibyebye of splendidos, all that davey shock stuff, they cant touch me for it.
I sit in my fashionably appointed bayside ashram with both halves of my illuminated soul tied behind my back just so i can chill. i am contemplating the forces of light v darkness, light this time being represented by the raiders who lead 27-10. I dont feel too well. stevie exhorts me to the balcony to address the devotees but i make them wait to test their devotion and to check out the raiders overtime punt. o well time to test my new incarnation, it certainly takes no time to get ready just on with orange fishtail and handtouch the perm.
on the way to the balcony i confess to vip stevie i dunno how this is going to go down with the crowd, i think its going to take a miracle. stevie slaps me on the back and inadvertantly sets that very miracle in train.
The crowd is visibly shocked at my new apparell. a small portion of them shuffle and i order the retractable barbacue cover to be pulled back just for distraction. But something has started and i am definately disturbed inside my little round protruding tum tum. Stevie has disturbed the pickled egg i heartily consumed earlier at the superdooperdeli.
my face contorts in pain. i wrythe in agony, cant reach the peptobismol from here. retching heaving for an eternity then....pop, a sound which in my former incarnation i would have recognised as the uncorking of fine verve clicquot precedes the issue of the egg whole. it fires off the retracted barbecue cover and lands in my outstreched palm. The crowd goes wild and i wonder at first if the raiders won in overtime but no...its me, the egg, its for me.
stevie gives me the thumbs up, what a show.
Maybe i like christmas. anyhow overseas devotee monique is easing my deeevine appetites though she says if my kundalini rises before hers again its over rover.
I slip in the bathroom. too much heineken prasad and my aim was a little off, one backward step and im over. still its the only sense in which im on the skid andit gives me a chance to kick back, take on some devotees karma and skip a few darshans.
I got a lot of preparing to do here in the confinement of my fashionably appointed bayside ashram and stevie is full on these days. He asks me what we should do for the big christmas show. I say how about an interfaith wrestlefest...think about it we could settle the big question: which religeon is best. See, they slug it out in a big smackdown and we take on the weakened winner, weclean up mucho pronto.
Stevie dont like it he says ive got to 'get with the franchise.' this is how he talks now, franchise, concessions, all the time. I dont think he realises how hard it its for me, this new incarnation. i cant go anywhere anymore. soon as the cops see an afro haircut behind the wheel of a muursayydeez i get pulled over quicktime. Ok im still dreamy and totally deeevine of course but i look in the wardrobe now and see only orange fishtail, fishtail,fishtail.
Its tough it really is. now stevie is on a big trip. hes always at the cellphone, always touching those lil keys, plinky plinky plinky. He is getting up on all my new found popularity and now calls himself 'the colonel.' Im beginning to wonder if that pickled egg incident isnt the only backfire ive made recently.
I want to go back to the old saibyebye, the clothes, the frarances (my signature smell when i am near is armani pourl'homme). but stevie....colonel....says hey maha lets not kill this sacred cow until weve milked it.
Then the fax clicks in, here comes real trouble...
the fax and its clear its come from far far away. i say i dont recognise the address when stevie shows me, i think its east of here and stevie says yeah, way way east. it talks about franchises as well, complains we stole their look, everything. stevie looks sheepish..seems our whole show aint exactly a DK original if you see my drift. They want to meet, talk turf, settle this thing. They are going to fly in pronto and want to meet at the Raddison near SF airport.. It says their main guy dont travel too much but we got business so there it is.
I need distraction so we hit the superdooper speciality deli to talk tactics. Goddam im always four steps behind everyone in this fishtail.
First item though is what stevie calls 'the big one.' My major breakthrough darshan and discourse. He says the big one will be like michael jackson at the motown awards or elvis in vegas. Its set for tonight even though were up agains ally mcbeel on terrestrial and reruns of seinfeld on cable.
Now we talk about the competition out east. seems these guys are into everything, i mean all knowing vishnu type everything. these guys put brahman out of business. we even get our prasad from these characters. stevie says we gotta deal. they are flying in their lead man and i see at once we got a big problem. the market is crowded, i mean in avatarial terms twos definately a crowd. Stevie says i gotta deal, grim up and hold out till the big one. He tells me to go wash up, ive sneaked on a little tommy boy behind the ears and its got to go.
so its into the muursayyydeez and off to the airport
when we arrive the lear jet has landed so we head straight for the Kontiki bar at the raddison. They are ahead of us and they all wear white and desperately need a tailor. I take the lead here fearing it was stevie got us into this and tell their guys to take a trip to emporio while i speak with the head cheese.
So there we sit, two avatars in a booth having a nice civilised discussion. Their guy has been in this business a lot longer and heres how it goes:
Him: your new aint ya (to my surporise he speaks in a broad new jersey accent.) We may have some wiggle room here (apt as thats the only way to walk in these damn fishtails).
Me: i dont want to tread on anyones toes (apt again cos neither of us wear any shoes)
Him: yeah vishnu dont exactly tread all over shiva.
Me: right gucci dont nick from armani.
Him: heres my offer, you get the bay area we take everything out in the east and your prasad, think of it as a tax for stealing the act.
Me: ok i dont want to tread.......er
Him: by the way, that look you got...fuggeddaboudit
Me: sure i dont....want to...er
Him: By the way byebye you go to the stores too much i see this,
Me: you see this
Him: (thumbing skywards) yeah we got a satellite
Me: you do, you see everything,
Him: yeah i do and i do...and byebye the satellite thing its my idea, you get into that and deals off bro'
Me: sure ditto the toes thing
Him: ok i gotta get back left a whole crowd waitin
back at base Me: fine ill just finish the pitcher of the houses best
Him: yea love ya byebey (he bends opening the back of his collar) see, ...underneath its armani
Me: (swallowing) damn damn
Him (points like pistol) love ya again
I truck out of there stevie asks me how it went. I say this guy knows everything. Stevie asks if hes for real i say...they got a satellite.
I ask stevie 'can we get one of those'
'Sure, owner or rental?'
Moments way now from my big breakthrough darshan and discourse. this is the big one and its got to please a lot of people, my followers and the competition out east who demand an image change. no problem i am dreamy on demand. The lead up has been tough, i cant move much in the fishtail but its the other trappings of avatarhood that weigh me down. The not sleeping ever thing is a breeze, i just keep the tv set to HBO, its 24 hours and watching that pretty much amounts to sleeping. The never needing to eat cos i am deeevine is a hassle but all it means really is a la carte in the back room of the superdooperspeciality deli. Stevie says no pickled eggs though, thats strictly a once a year thing from now on.
The muursayyydeeez arrives outfront of my fashionably appointed bayside ashram (FABA) and we go into a huddle before we leave. We circle, stevie to my left, and i declare that no man will ever penetrate my most intimate circle (why do all laugh?)
Well waddya know, look what the winds of vaikunda just blew in. Its treacherous davey and he has the one way ticket back to maha. seems the boy band he formed has split up and he needs me now. Well i am utterly deeevine of course so i say 'hey davey you can be master of my vast cd collection again, now i think marc bolan is ahead in the stack of Aarosmith, go sort it ... i got a deeevine mission to fulfill.'
We head out to beautiful PacBell park, field of legends,me (looking dreeemie), stevie (in headphones and mike) and the steadicam operator who is putting together my comeback darshan and discourse movie: Maha at Pacbell-Field of Dreeeems.
I am smuggled into a basement dressing room, that of Giants batter Barry Bonds (yik this guy must wear slazenger sport cologne) where i can hear preparations above. yes the tones of the opening devotional song:
Versace sharenam, sharenam versace,
Armani sharenam sharenam armani,
Armani sharenam sharenam versace
sharenam armani
sharenam armani
Versace sharenam, sharenam armani...
The buildup is impressive. I am led through the maze of corridors, my hands on stevies shoulders ahead, towel round my neck. Behind me i hear a frantic rush for the holy ash from my marlboro lights in the dressing room. Im here, in the big show...ive busted out of the minor leagues and deeeevinity awaits. Now i am at the suface, behind the curtain and i can sense the hunger on the other side, the bounteous heineken prasad has done its work. Stevie has only a few final words..'hey maha get out there and incarnate for all of us baby.....'
Why worry we did this in rehearsal back at FABA. I burst out from behind the curtain. My own band The Maha Boys immediately burst out a thumping version of Who Let the God Out (hoo,hoo,hooo,hoo) and i perform nine deevine twirls. The lights, the flashbulbs (hoo,hoo,hoo,hoo), letters fly onto stage mixed in with ladies lingerie.
Then a nice change of mood. Ms Olivia Newton John steps forward to perform Hopelessy Devoted to You from Grease, handing me a flower in the leather costume from the original (nice touch). We already did Youd Better Shape Up alone earlier at the FABA.
As the pinpoint laser fades off my third eye i step to the podium. My breakthrough discourse must begin on stevies cue once the main networks have joined us...
All is quiet now and as stevies hand drops i step up to my mark. I always start with a song and today i have chosen a version of a song by the young michael jackson..
'you and i have made a pact,
we can bring maha back,
just call 108 names,
and i'll be there....'
Thats right deeevotees should just call 1-800-NAMES and my prerecorded individual blessings are always there (cheers)
Embodiments of deeeeeeeeeeeevine, it is nearly christmas. in the outside world christmas is celebrated with too much drinking. Is that the case here? hey thanks to our good friends at Heineken yeeewwww better believe (glass to glass cheers).
Now deeevotees i want you to realise when it comes to christmas:
freedom is relative
in other words the further from your relatives you are the freer you are ..
same goes for happiness is relative (cheers, more lingerie)
Now maha is going to announce a major service project. For the relief of all i am going to provide basic medical service for only $1. Yes from now on the maha saibyebyesuperdooperspeciality deli will be offering peptobismol at discount. (cheers and some recoil)....
Deevotees, all is one. You can have Gucci loafers, versace tie and armani shirt. Trousers are best from Holy Mother (donna karan).
And so join me in singing..
Armani is my shirt
Gucci my shoes
Versace is my tie
no limit on my amex
this season on my amex
so buy buy buy
Stevies hand drops, the networks have gone to break and i always leave em wanting more, hey thats my grace, get used to it.
saibyebyeWhat a finale...the sound of ripping velcro and i emerge from the dratted orange fishtail to reveal my favourite blend of designer wear underneath. Im back and i dripping in deeeeeevine inspiration in mens fashion.
Time to go and i burst out of the side door and to the murrsayydeez, stevie forges a path. Everything slows down like the end sequence of Elvis in vegas as i sit in the back seat. To the airport and as i look out of the window i see a star streaking accross the star. i tell stevie to look, the sign of the second coming is nigh but he says:
'Maha, that sattelilite you wanted, it just took off. thats your ticket to all knowing 24/7. there she goes, Vishnu 1. I thought the darshan would be perfect cover for the launch.'
Now it goes all blurry and slo mo again......
final shot: me on the steps to the lear jet at SF airport. Looking back in freeze frame. Towel over head, big steel frame wrap around shades, surgical mask. Dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemy again.