Hard Cell
New York State, which likes to distance itself from New York City as much as possible, has become the first state to ban the use of cell phones while driving. People here will be able to talk in motion without fear until November, when they will start receiving warnings. Starting December fines will actually be handed out, and after New Year's pedestrians will have the legal right to fire upon the vehicle of any distracted motorist.
Not that you need a car to look like a jerk with a cell phone. You can do so anywhere you are within a 20 ft. radius of civilization, although restaurants, theaters, and operating rooms tend to be more frustrating areas. Honestly, there is nothing more infuriating to some people than for them to be happily dining just to hear an annoying, high-pitched rendition of “Fur Elise” from the table next to them, then having to endure a one-sided phone call at which by the end the callee will have doubled the decibel level of his voice and lurched around the eatery like a drunk with a back problem, searching for a “good signal.” The “good signal,” of course, is always closest to the table that is clutching their steak knives, so it never is found. But no matter how bad you think you have it, place yourself in the cell owner’s shoes for a bit. The person on the other end of that line obviously isn’t calling to say a quick “Hi.” No, cell phone callers always want something; otherwise they would wait until they knew the callee wasn’t somewhere where he could be disturbed.
CALLER: Hi, honey. I need you to pick up a few things from the supermarket on the way home. Do you have some paper take this down?
CALLEE: Uh…
(sound of toilet flushing)
I suppose I do.
Owning a cell phone may have seemed emancipating at first, but many soon realize that it does nothing more than turn them into a mobile servant. Have you ever seen a public official with a cell phone? Of course not! They don’t want to be burdened with requests! If a friend ever gave me a cell phone for a present, I would punch them in the face.
Cell phones are a distraction—no argument. And people should not talk on them while driving as much as they can help it. However, I am unsure if the New York state legislature had such noble motives in mind when they enacted this law. Where were these guys when other hazardous items, such as the West Nile Virus and Hilary Clinton, invaded our land? What about other car distractions? Don’t tell me that the average minivan mother or father will not be affected by overhearing Gone in 60 Seconds being played in the back seat. But strangely, factors like these have been overlooked. I think there may be some outside force affecting the decisions of the law, and that force is the Cheap Plastic Crap industry.
Follow me here. The mobile immobility law states that while one cannot hold a cell phone up to their ear in the car, they are legally able to clip their phone to--that’s right! A cheapo plastic holder, from which they can operate the phone “hands-free.” Now, the Cheap Plastic Crap industry has been feeding of the phone industry for years with everything from CPC screens, to CPC removable color plates. But what better way to gain a stranglehold against the Cheap Wooden Crap or Cheap Metal Crap industries than to lobby for laws that require techy citizens to buy their products! There is one oversight, though. Some CPC holders are hooked up to allow the call to come through a certain radio frequency that the user is supposed to preset on their radio. But what the CPC brains neglected to consider is what could happen if the user’s kids mess with the radio. Hitting the button and receiving a courtesy call from, say, Marilyn Manson would be enough to rocket any baby boomer right into a tree.
So remember: Talking on your cell phone, messing with the radio, and picking your nose all require some mental attention and a hand off the wheel, but only one of these actions is illegal while motoring around the Empire State. Don’t worry; you’ll be fine if you use your common sense. But be careful… Once you hit Pennsylvania, all hell breaks loose.
