Creating a Classic: How to Leave Your Own Unsightly Mark on the Face of Literary History

 

Aspiring writers have many different reasons to why they choose to take up their pens (or keyboards) and present their masterpieces to the world. Some write to inspire their fellow persons; others just seek to entertain them, while some even write with the intent to strike anger and rebellion. However, all writers share one simple, noble motive: They all really want your money.

 

Oh wait, I'm sorry! They all also want to be remembered, so I guess thaey all have two common motives. Rememberance... having a name that remains swirling on this mortal coil long after you yourself have been flung off is the dream of every scribe. But realizing this dream is extremely difficult. While writing humorous little articles may make you irresistable to members of the opposite sex, it's not going to make much of an impact on literature. Only by making a Classic can you ever hope to attain such an honorable status. Granted, writing a Classic is quite a feat (why do you think most of the Classical authors are dead?) but it's well worth it to have the top critics of the reading community beam at your novel--then send it to all of the schools so it can be crammed down the throats of unwilling English students everywhere. Being cursed at by sophomores--that's what separates the literary genius from the person who writes stuff that people want to read.

 

Still want to write that Classic? Well, it all begins with you. Your story wont even be considered unless you yourself reflect the ideals of a Classical writer. That's why you're going to have to go crazy. Not stark-raving, murderously crazy mind you. Just crazy enough to scare small children and have passerbys throw money in your hat. Be very reclusive (ponds are made for this), and develop a raging addiction to a drug if you can. Don't worry; it's not insanity--it's genius! Above all, the best thing you can be is deceased, but that may impede your writing (although it is acknowledged by most experts that Emily Dickenson wrote her entire collection of poems while never showing any signs of life). You may also wish to consider a pen name for yourself--they're all the rage. Samuel Clemens was little-known until he starting using his nom de plume*, taken from his days on the Mississippi when steamboat operators called out that now famous phrase: "George Eliot!"

 

Once you have your disturbing image down you can begin writing your story. Begin with a simple yet intriguing plot... then drown that sucker in as much useless drivel as you can! Pretend your book is a gift box. The more polystyrene packing peanuts you stuff in it, the more fun the students will have digging around, trying to find something worthwhile! But that doesn't mean you can't make the exhumation a fun one. You can add as many jokes as you wish, the only exception being that they can't be funny. Educational standards will simply not allow anything to suggest that reading can be entertaining. Why, many of Shakespeare's plays have been severely edited in order to be deemed acceptable in class:

 

                ROSENCRANTZ: Didst thou ever heareth the one about the priest and the rabbi that had journeyed into yon tavern?

                GUILDENSTERN: Yes! Now closeth yon trap, we need murder our best friend now.

 

This brings us to our last helpful tip. You're going to have to kill someone. In your story, I mean. Why gruesome death is demanded so I don't know, but every novel I've ever read in school has had fat kids crushed by boulders, drunks falling off of cliffs, or middle-class prostitutes hit by Rolls Royces. So include lots of blunt instruments in your tale, lest you need a quick bludgeoning to perk up your readers. Shakespeare, as if I needed an excuse to mention him again,  loved to drive the whole death theme as far as he could. He never considered his plays good unless over half of the characters were pushing up daisies, but he always left room for their hilariously long death scenes. Take Othello, for instance. Said title character strangles the life out of poor Desdemona; a not-so-gentle massage of the esophagus, perhaps. However, she has enough ettiquete to come back to life a page later, announce to everyone that she has been murdered, and die again. That Desdemona--always the center of attention! No matter how you axe your characters though, be sure not to end up like John Knowles. He almost forgot that he didn't whack anyone in A Separate Peace and at the last minute killed Phinny, a kid who had survived two horrific falls with only a broken leg, by having a piece of bone marrow travel from his shattered leg to his heart! What do you put on the death certificate under "cause of death"? Marrow? Leg? Could it be considered a suicide? I shouldn't squabble though. Death is death, no matter how stupid it is. 

 

I hope this places you well on your way to Classicality. Just think of the honor; the prestige; the suffering of kids writing about how your book is supposed to mean something!

 

Not like I'm going to do it. I'm happy with my columns and ladies.

 

*That's "pen name" in French!