Trip TV: Survivor

 

It's over. Please return to your regurally scheduled lives.

 

Of course it's not going to be that easy. For the past long time*, the entire nation has been transfixed with the lives of 16 sorta kinda average people who volunteered in the ultimate human experiment; one that would reveal to them their true nature and in retrospect the nature of humanity itself in firendship, in harship, in politics, and in hope.

 

Oh yeah, and in a huge buttload of money, too. Okay, so maybe the other stuff didn't really matter to them that much. It was really all for the money, right? Sure, you could test your survival skills on a deserted island. You know, prove if you really have what it takes. But then again, the island wasn't actually deserted, per se. Miles away was a hotel where the crew stayed and took their shifts constantly rotating around you with cameras, recording your every move. But everything else was true-to-life, right? The scrounging for food; the building shelter; the finding water; the playing a trivia game for the chance to spend a day on a yacht. Well, so maybe some other parts weren't that realistic. Actually, the entire thing was pretty fake life-wise. But that's not what we cared about. We as the audience at first were intirgued with the "survival" portion of the show, but that got old to us. So naturally we all became stuck on the "Jerry Springer" portion of the show.  Really, think about it. What questions have you heard around the water cooler?

 

-Do you think Greg and Colleen are doing it? I mean, they seem pretty friendly...

-Do you think Rudy and Richard are doing it? I mean, they seem pretty friendly...

-Doesn't it make you want to gag when Richard takes  his clothes off? Why does he do that?!

-Don't you want Colleen to take her clothes off? Why doesn't she do that?!

 

It's sickening really, but isn't that really all we cared about? Talk about human nature!

 

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We interrupt this blatant mockery of Survivor for a special service. It has come to our attention that the author of this assumes that everyone knows how Survivor worked, and that no one has been in a coma or living under a rock. The author has been alerted to this, and will make the following revision. Thank you.

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Okay. I really feel this isn't necessary, but I have been informed that I should explain how Survivor worked before going any further. At first the sixteen people were seperated into two tribes, "Tagi" and "Pagong", each of which no one has any clue what they mean. They could mean "honor" and "valor", or "winners" and "ratmeat" or they could be various body parts-no one knows! Anyway, these two tribes would square off in special competitions to either win awards or immunity. Every three days, the tribe that did not win the immunity would have to go to "tribal council", some remote spot in the woods where the money was and where they did their business wasn't, and vote one of their own off. The one voted off was brutally killed by dropping a big rock on their head and then going into a blood-lustful frenzy. Oops, sorry! I was thinking about "Lord of the Flies" there. The ones voted off just went home or to the Hotel a Few Miles Away, where they promptly raided their mini-bars and rang up long-distance bills the size of the island's GNP alone. Eventually, the tribes merged to one, "Ratanna" (which is actually an abbreviated form of the native word "Ratannastik") and those voted off ended up voting for the winner in the end. There, hope you're happy.

 

Enough with the rules, let's get down to what really mattered-the people! There were some masterminds, and there were some morons. Well, to be honest there was only one mastermind and an entire island of morons.** Still, each had their own distinct personality that gave the others a reason to hate them and kick them off. Without further ado, here's the Survivor Role Call (in order of when I remember them):

 

SONYA-How was it that someone so kind and helpful was the first to go? Because she brought ukelele, of course! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that a ukelele would bring up awful images of being trapped on an island with someone like Tiny Tim, constantly screeching "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" all day and night. On second thought forget about the kind and  helpful, this woman was a monster!

 

B.B.-He made just about everything his tribe had. Why was he kicked off? It may have been his snippish personality. Or it may have been the fact that HE WASHED HIS CLOTHES IN THE DRINKING WATER. You decide.

 

STACEY-She was whiny. Or something. No one really remembers her at all... I think she ate a bug.

 

RAMONA-This biochemist was kicked off the island after suffering a small bout of island sickness, in which she just wasn't getting any work done. This later proved to be wrong, though. Wretching and Hallucinating were actually paying jobs on the island, although just above the minimum wage of 2 chickens and 1/2 rat per hour.

 

JOEL-Joel was voted off by the ladies for being "a chauvanistic pig", even though another castaway was quoted on saying that women were "dumber than cows". But let's not point blame. What matters is that he's still single, girls!

 

DIRK-Dirk was a content, devoted Christian who was saving his virginity until marriage. This was naturally looked upon as obscene.

 

GREGG-Throughout the entire show, this guy was a smart alec. You could tell from the start, though. He spells his name with two G's at the end! Ever see any Timm's, Chriss's, or Bobb's. I didn't think so. Back in line, pal!

 

GERVASE-This YMCA coach managed to remain on the island a long time, while never doing anything as much as eat, sleep, and compare females to cattle. Maybe it was because no one knew how to spell his name, but Gervase's perserverance without productivity is a symbol of America itself, and we can all stand to learn a lesson from such a great person.

 

GRETCHEN-She taught survival for 6 years. Too bad she never learned "Big Gay Naked Mastermind Survial" or she would have gone farther.

 

JENNA-If Survivor took place in the 100 Acre Wood, Jenna would've been Piglet. She was the weaker of all the survivors, and always had a feeling of impending doom about her. She was kinda cute, though, so they kept her for a while. But when she started missing her children, they decided to vote her off so she could see them. She expressed her gratitude to the rest of the tribe as she was escorted off the island... and to the hotel where they locked her in her room until the entire game ended.

 

COLLEEN-Colleen touched the hearts of many people, if you can call hormone-crazed, teenage boys "people". She was the prettiest of the castaways, and often went off with Gregg in the woods at night, where they would partake in forbidden acts of pleasure. They smuggled Ho-Hos. Colleen also wasn't the brightest of the survivors, which was evident when she asked for the location of the nearest Starbucks***.

 

SEAN-On the subject of dim castaways, Sean was maybe even dumber than Colleen. He was completely oblivious of an alliance the entire time, and voted for Richard to win at the end because "the thought of a 'fat, naked, fag' winning a million is hilarious". Scary, no? Ah, but if only that were it. Sean is a neurologist. He's gone through college. Heck, he's gone through medical school! He's not very helpful in the "smart people have no common sense" debate, is he.

 

SUSAN-Susan considered herself a cunning, strategical player. Unfortunatley, she ended up being a cement truck driver from Wisconsin. We can dream, can't we?

 

RUDY-Rudy is the crotchity, old, ex-Navy Seal that won the hearts of the majority of Americans. He was also a complete stooge for Richard. Anything Richard wanted to happen Richard compliantly did. If Rudy can be this easily controlled, one begins to wonder how hard it would be to take charge of the entire Navy Seal brigade.

 

KELLY-Ah, the rafting instructor that couldn't raft. Sure, she lost a competition of her own sport to someone who's never been in a boat in his life. Sure, she also constantly complained about everyone's lack of work ethic, all while not doing antyhing worthwhile herself. Still, she ended up being the runner-up! This brings up another symbol of America, Pretending to be an Expert While Actually Not Being Good at Anything.

 

RICHARD-Richie was the puppetmaster of the entire island. It was his alliances that mainly gave him the win. While not forming alliances and winning money, Richard enjoys long, naked walks on the beach and making a pompous jerk of himself. But you can't really give all the credit to the alliances for letting Rich win. Credit must also be given to Sean's ignorance and Gregg's happy little guessing game.

 

JEFF-We can't forget the host, can we? Jeff was our guide to the island. He often flew in on a helicopter or boat, all clean-shaven and pleasant-smelling, to escort the castaways to their playtime. He also counted names in a pot. If I were on the island, I would've knocked this guy out and stolen his boat. It's not like I'd win the money anyway.

 

But enough about me. "Survivor" started off interestingly enough, but in the end it seemed sort of futile and useless, didn't it? Still, we were all mesmerized with it, and we'll be seeing our 16 friends for many more months in commercials, looking at their faces on a box of "Survior brand Rice-A-Roni"**** And next year, this will all happen again, but in Australia. Bigger island? Yeah. But we all know it'll be the Bisexual Transvestite that Likes to Undress that will win. Because with "Survivor" the rules will always be:

 

Outwit

Outplay

Outstrip

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Do you remember when Survivor actually started? It's all a blur to me...

**It sounds more and more like America, doesn't it?

***Of which I'm not saying there wasn't one, just that she couldn't go to it.

****"Now with tasty rat pieces!"