Trip TV Tri-Pack: Inside the Actor's Studio, Iron Chef, and Battlebots

 

Cable television is a vast, pixelated wasteland and new, useless shows are constantly pushing the horizon out of sight. But while some become lost amongst Andy Griffith marathons and The Weather Channel, there are thankfully some oasis...es* out there where one can find some actual entertainment. I'm not in any way saying that these shows aren't junk, but they have enough quirks to keep you from realizing that, in actuality, you are watching junk. I have had the opportunity to scrutinize three such shows: Battlebots (Tuesdays @ 10, Comedy Central), Iron Chef (Weekends, Food Network), and Inside the Actor's Studio (sometime on Bravo between those strange movies that no one watch).

 

The premise of Inside the Actor's Studio is simple enough. Hollywood's finest spend an hour with the host of the program, answering questions about their lives and careers in front of an audience of scary college Theater majors, who the cameras occasionally show with their thick-rimmed glasses and small, glazed over smiles. Now while the celebrities are many times interesting, it is the host himself, Mr. James Lipton, that earns this show special attention. After a few minutes of observing this man, you will begin to lose interest in the star's rise to fame and start wondering how exactly Lipton got to where he is today. James Lipton has the appearance and mannerisms of a vulture. He sits behind his desk and peers at the audience, looking for any students who may have a dead glazed look to them; he remarks about how lucky they are to be there, then he rotates his gaze toward the subject. He cocks his head to the side. There is a brief moment of eerie silence. Then he says something to the effect of

 

                "I have two questions for you; the first being... Darryl Hannah."**

 

There is another brief pause as the celebrity waits a second to see if Lipton will actually ask him a question like he said he would. Seeing that no, Lipton is simply waiting for him to die, the celebrity says something--anything--about Darryl Hannah and the entire process pretty much repeats itself. There are several commercial breaks where Lipton is given a dead rat to tide him over, then the interrogation ends with a questionairre designed by a fruitcake that contains questions such as "What is your favorite interjection?" and "What color would you wear to a conference meeting with God?". No one knows why this questionairre was created. It doesn't even tell you your love quotient and lucky numbers or anything! But the celebrity, just glad that this thing is finally over, reluctantly answers the questions. If you don't have Bravo, you have no idea what you have the opportunity to miss! But if you want a hint, Will Ferrel does a great James Lipton on Saturday Night Live.

 

If you prefer a little more life in your viewing, then Iron Chef may be your cup of sake. This cult classic imported from Japan pits challengers against one of the four mighty "Iron Chefs" (Japanese, French, Chinese, and Italian styles of cooking. All are Japanese) in a knock-down, drag-out, no-holds-barred COOK-OFF! It may not sound exciting, but this show makes every effort to make it appear that way, and somehow it's highly effective. There is commentary both from the booth and on the floor (all dubbed in English, of course), although after the 43rd time you hear the floor commentator signal "Cuissant!", you'll want to beat him with a meat tenderizer. In case you missed shitake mushrooms (one of many daily theme ingredients that need to be present in every dish) being dumped into a pot, there is actually a slow-motion instant replay of such breathtaking events! The whole show drips with the humorous solemness and honor that only the Japanese can bring. And yes, they can cook better than us, too. The dishes always look like works of art, which is fine for most Americans, who probably wouldn't eat them even if they knew how. The secret to American cook-off success I discovered in seventh grade Home Ec class, where we had a boy versus girl biscuit competition. Being typical adolescent males we had were not as interested in cooking than punching each other, so we just doubled the sugar in the recipe and won. The Iron Chefs probably do the same with the squid.

 

Finally, for those who can't sit through cook-offs or carrion, Battlebots is the type of senseless, destructive fun that is perfect for any family night. Battlebots presents it's robot fighting tournament like wrestling matches, only that the combatants are smarter. Robots come in several weightclasses and compete in a specialized arena where traps such as spikes and sawblades can suddenly come up out of the ground. Decked out with weapons such as rock hammers and lawn mower blades, the remote controlled bots beat the circuitry out each other for three minutes or until one is rendered unoperable. After the matches, which are commentated from a booth by Bill Dwyer and Sean Salisbury (you can tell these guys have fun), the bot operators are interviewed by some guy... and Baywatch's Donna D'Erico, who probably has more parts in common with the fighters than the operators themselves.*** You can also learn everything you need to know about the robots from technical expert Bill Nye [the Science Guy]. This show is excellent. It perfectly exhibits how robotics is striving forward, then beating itself to a pulp. But above all the best reason to watch this show is the much sought after trophy; the whole reason these people build their little death machines: a chance to hold The Giant Nut.

 

All three of these shows can keep you enthraled in their own unique ways. Even if they don't, trust me, there isn't much else better on cable. Unless you're a fan of "Bam!" or "Crikey!", but those are other articles.           

 

 

 

 

*oasi?

**Excerpt taken from the interview with Tom Hanks.

***After this was written, one more guy floorman was added and D'Erico was replaced by a Heidi Someone. Fortunately this Heidi girl is just like Donna, so just switch the names in yout mind.