In order to drain every bit of emotional response to the scene, we'll simplify this. A kid and his family arrive, kid is separated from family, and Nazi soldiers grab the kid. Everybody cries.
NAZI SOLDIERS: Oh, this is so emotional! Do you have a tissue?
DARTH MALIGNA: Not you!
NAZI SOLDIER: For added realism, I'm going to speak German! Klar!
So the gates close, and the boy reaches for them. The gates bend around and stuff. The audience cringes from the sound.
NAZI SOLDIER: Wow, that's a neat trick! Can you do another one?
The boy takes off his silly-looking hat and pulls a rabbit out of it. The Nazis let go of him and clap and the boy bows. Just then, Indiana Jones swings in on a rope that does not appear to be attached to anything, and beats the shit out of the Nazis.
This entire scene was only put in here to establish the fact that Magneto had a dysfunctional childhood. This will not have anything to do with anything for the rest of the film.
Cut scene to a typical suburban home. Letters at the bottom of the screen read:
Even though this is the future, and all movies taking place in the future have flying cars, there are no flying cars. Instead, there is a girl who wants to go to Canada. She gives her boyfriend the kiss of death and then goes to Canada, where the letters at the bottom of the screen read:
Alberta, Canada, I don't know when...say, aboot, six months after the last scene... Anyway, now that the author has offended both the South and Canada in the time/local notes alone, Rogue goes to a bar where Wolverine is fighting in a big-ass cage.
WOLVERINE: I'm going to have my shirt off for half of this film!
Wolverine steps out into the middle of the cage and takes the mic from the bar owner.
WOLVERINE: If there is one woman here tonight who can beat me in a fight, I'm going to MARRY her!
AUDIENCE: Ha, he's doing an Andy Kaufman routine, you have amused us!
JERRY LAWLER: I'll kick your butt, you little jerk!
Wolverine slices Jerry Lawler open with his extendable fingernails.
BAR OWNER: Get out of my bar, you freak!
Wolverine slices the bar owner open with his extendable fingernails.
EVERYONE ELSE: We don't like you because you have different amino acid sequences than us!
Wolverine slices everyone else open with his extendable fingernails. Except Rogue because she hides under a table.
AUDIENCE: Woohoo, gratuitous violence!
Wolverine walks out of the bar and Rogue follows him and hides in his trailer. They drive around for a while, until Wolverine finds Rogue.
WOLVERINE: Get out of my trailer!
ROGUE: Will you be my father figure?
Rogue makes a puppy face at him.
WOLVERINE: Duhhh...sure.
ROGUE: Let me ride in your truck and eat all your food and insult your lifestyle and ask you personal questions.
Rogue makes a puppy face at him.
WOLVERINE: Duhhh...sure.
So they get in the truck and start driving again.
ROGUE: Do you have any food? (puppy face)
WOLVERINE: Duhhh...sure.
Wolverine hands here a package of chewing tobacco.
ROGUE: Um, I'm not old enough to chew tobacco.
WOLVERINE: Uhh...you know those candy cigarettes?
ROGUE: Er, Yeah...
WOLVERINE: That's kinda like those. It's not real chewing tobacco.
ROGUE: Oh!
She eats it, though it appears that she doesn't enjoy it.
ROGUE: So what's your name?
WOLVERINE: Logan, but you can call me Wolverine because I'm a mutant and all mutants have silly nicknames.
ROGUE: Oh, I'm Rogue. I'm a mutant too. I have the power to bend people to my will using my puppy face. And whenever I touch people bad stuff happens.
WOLVERINE: I can heal fast and I have extendable fingernails.
Both look at the camera and flash cheesy grins.
WOLVERINE: Okay, do you non X-Men fans have all that?
Right now the audience is comprised of three groups: the X-Men fans who are here because it's the X-Men movie, the Sci-Fi geeks who are here because it's Sci-Fi and Patrick Stewart and Ray Park are in it, and the teenyboppers who are here because there's cute guys.
SCI-FI GEEKS: Yeah, we have all this! This is cool because it's Sci-Fi and we're Sci-Fi geeks! Where's Captain Picard and Darth Maul?
X-MEN FANS: We know all this and we hate this movie because it doesn't conform with every little detail in every issue of X-Men ever published!
TEENY-BOPPERS: Like, take off your shirt again!
ROGUE: You should put your seatbelt on, you know.
They crash into a tree and Wolverine flies through the windshield.
AUDIENCE: Ha, irony is funny, even if people are getting hurt!
Suddenly Sabretooth leaps out of the woods and hits Wolverine over the head with a tree.
SABRETOOTH: Grrrr! (looks at camera and flashes a cheesy grin) Hi, I'm Sabretooth and I'm a bad guy! I'm really big and I have super-strength and cool contact lenses! Got all that? Good!
Sabretooth throws Wolverine onto the hood of the truck which has oh-so-dramatically caught on fire. Rogue is stuck inside for dramatic element. Just then, Cyclops and Storm drop out of the sky.
CYCLOPS: Here I come to save the day! (Looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin) Hi, I'm the Green Lantern and I have a silly name!
STORM: (looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin) Hi, this is Cyclops, and he can shoot beams out of his eyes, but he doesn't know how to control them so he has to wear his ruby-quartz visor at all times! And he has a superhero complex so he often forgets who he is!
CYCLOPS: Holy fishsticks, Batman!
STORM: And I'm Storm, and I can control the weather! Got all that? Good!
TEENY-BOPPERS: We love you, James Marsden!
They kick the crap out of Sabretooth and grab Wolverine and Rogue. The truck blows up.
WOLVERINE: Dammit, everything I own was in there! All my worldly possessions! All my bowling trophies and my stamp collection and my clean underwear and my 8-track tapes, and my lucky, lucky autographed snorkel and...
Cyclops knocks Wolverine out so that they can take him back to the X-Mansion, which they do. Cut scene to Magneto's fortress of solitude place. Toad is painting something when Sabretooth stalks in.
TOAD: Weren't you supposed to bring someone back with you?
SABRETOOTH: Shut up, Toad.
Toad looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin.
TOAD: Hi, I'm Toad and I'm the coolest bad guy!
SABRETOOTH: Shut up, Toad!
TOAD: (ignores him) I have the powers to leap tall buildings in a single bound and use a double-bladed lightSabre and run up walls and make women go weak at the knees with my sexy accent and wisecrack and bench press like three tons and spit toxic slime like those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park like this!
Toad slimes the camera and everything goes black.
TOAD: (voice over) Ha!
SABRETOOTH: (voice over) Shut up, Toad!
TOAD: So anyway, audience, got all that?
X-MEN FANS: This Toad isn't enough like Mortimer Toynbee from the comic books, therefore we don't like him so nyaaahhhh!
DARTH MALIGNA: I'm sorry, I'm playing favorites, aren't I? My bad...
Cut scene to the X-Mansion. Wolverine is being treated by Jean Grey, whose last name may or may not be spelled with an "e," depending on how big of an idiot the author is. Once again, he doesn't have a shirt on.
TEENY-BOPPERS: Yay! I wish I was Famke Jenssen!
Jean Grey tries to stab Wolverine, er, give him a shot but he wakes up, punches her in the face, and runs away like a scared little animal. Professor X confuses him into putting on a gray sweatshirt and running into his office. Wolverine enters his office and falls against the wall to rest before he notices Professor X, in full Star Trek regalia, smiling at him.
WOLVERINE: Who are you?
PROFESSOR X: I'm Professor X, that's short for Professor Picard. (Wolverine thinks about this for a minute and then reaches the conclusion that he's confused) I run this school. (Looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin) I'm the most powerful telepath on Earth, which isn't much good in a fight, but I can always pull out my phaser or run over people with my wheelchair.
Xavier wheels around his desk. He's wearing a Star Trek uniform.
WOLVERINE: What is this place?
Cut to several shots of kids using their powers to play basketball, run on water, and cheat on their final exams around the school. Professor X goes into a lengthy voice-over explanation of what the school is and all that stuff.
X-MEN FANS: We already know all this, this movie sucks! We want yellow Spandex(TM)!
SCI-FI GEEKS: (Make various comments like "This rules!" and "Go Jean-Luc!" and "Make it so!" in Klingon.)
During all this Rogue meets Iceman, only he's not Iceman yet, and all the X-Men fans wink and nudge each other because they think we don't know who he is.
AUDIENCE: It's the kid from the Animorphs show! Oh, the humanity!
While all this is going on, Mystique (who is a naked lady but we can put her in a PG-13 movie because it's not naked if you're painted blue) hijacks a helicopter and kidnaps Senator Kelly, who is a bad, naughty, evil man.
SENATOR KELLY: (looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin) Hi, I'm Senator Kelly and I don't have any superpowers but I'm a damn mean, prejudiced guy anyway! And I hate mutants! We have to protect our children! Somebody think of the children! Think of the children!
MYSTIQUE (as his aide guy): Shut up and let me wow the audience with my expensive special effects.
Mystique morphs from the aide guy into her naked-but-not-really-naked-cause-she's-blue form. She looks at the camera and flashes a cheesy grin.
MYSTIQUE: Hi, I'm Mystique and I have the power to morph into stuff and to get away with R-rated things in PG-13 rated movies!
SENATOR KELLY: Oh, no!
Mystique kicks him in the face and then climbs up front where we see that Toad is the pilot. (The suspense was killing you, right?) So they fly back to the Brotherhood's Fortress Of Solitude hideout place, and duct-tape Senator Kelly into the comfy chair used to torture people during the Spanish Inquisition. (I bet NOBODY expected that!)
Senator Kelly wakes up and looks around the room, which is occupied otherwise by Mystique, Sabretooth, and Toad, who, just to mess with his head, snatches a bird off a tree branch with his tongue. He takes all the feathers off, pulls out a Primus stove seemingly from nowhere, and roasts it to a crisp perfection in a matter of seconds, then takes out a napkin, ties it around his neck, picks up a knife and fork and sets to work eating it like a gentleman.
MYSTIQUE: Toad, I don't mean to criticize or anything, but that routine's kinda lost all effect lately.
TOAD: (with his mouth full) Hey, you have no room to talk, you're not the one who had to eat 'em raw!
MYSTIQUE: Point.
AMY-WAN KENOBI: (suddenly appears in story) Maligna, you're ruining the best scenes!
DARTH MALIGNA: What are you doing here? And I'm supposed to screw up the story, this is a parody!
AMY-WAN: You just did that cause you wouldn't want to kiss him if he had been eating raw meat!
MALIGNA: Uhh...Get out of my fan fiction and stop tormenting me!
TOAD: If you kiss me, I'll turn into a prince!
AMY-WAN: Maligna'll be happy to test that theory.
MALIGNA: Shut up!
Magneto walks in.
MAGNETO: I hate to interrupt this little love-fest, but can we get on with the plot?
EVERYONE ELSE: Plot?
MALIGNA: What is this plot you speak of and where can I find one?
Magneto goes on about stuff for a while but we don't care, then he gets up in his big machine thing that makes a big blue bubble that covers the room. The bubble is suddenly pelted with a bombardment of missiles, and it pops.
MAGNETO: Hey!
OOM-9 (from his tank): Oops, sorry, wrong blue-bubble-thing!
Magneto starts over and this time completes the operation.
Cut scene to a cell occupied by Senator Kelly. He finds that he's extremely stretchy and falls into the ocean and swims away. Exciting, huh?
Cut scene to the School. Everyone is asleep, and the halls are alive with the sound of snoring. Wolverine is having a bad dream. Rogue walks into his room and cautiously approaches him.
ROGUE: (whispering) Logan? I had a bad dream. Britney Spears was chasing me with a chainsaw while simultaneously singing a duet with N*Sync. I'm scared, can I sleep in your bed? Logan? Logan! Wake up, Logan! (louder) Logan! (even louder) Logan! (Even louder still) LOGAN LOGAN LOGAN!
Wolverine suddenly wakes up and flashes his extendable fingernails, but unfortunately he has really bad aim and stabs Rogue through the midsection.
WOLVERINE: Uh-oh!
People gather in the doorway, laughing and pointing because it's a sick, sad, cruel world out there.
WOLVERINE: Wasn't me!
Rogue kinda makes funny noises for a minute and stares at the wall, then she regains her bearings and slaps Wolverine repeatedly across the face.
ROGUE: You moron! You big, fat, stupid moron! (a la Ren & Stimpy) You eeeeeeediot!
Every time she slaps him she absorbs more of his energy and begins to heal. Wolverine, on the other hand, goes unconscious and falls on the floor. Thud.
Cut scene to outside the school. Rogue is sitting on a bench looking pretty depressed, like she just lost the Superbowl or something. (Where did that come from?) Bobby "Ice-boy" Drake walks up to her.
ICEMAN: You know, Professor X is really pissed off at yoooouuu.
ROGUE: Really?
ICEMAN: Yeah, in fact, I think he's mad enough that you should leave. Here, I took the liberties of buying you a train ticket and packing your things.
He holds out the ticket and a duffel bag and Rogue takes them and runs away. Iceman smiles evilly, and then shoves his face up in the camera.
ICEMAN: Hey, watch this.
He pulls open one of his eyes, puts it right up to the camera lens, and it turns yellow for a second.
ICEMAN: See that? That means I'm Mystique and I just flashed my eyes yellow for no other reason than to establish for the audience that I am, in fact, not Ice-wimp. I wouldn't flash my eyes like this if you all weren't here, but since you are, I am. Got it? So watch the eyes and you'll all follow along just fine.
S/he flashes a cheesy smile at the camera.
MYSTIQUE: Now, I've been doing a little thinking here and you know, isn't it ironic that I can morph into stuff and I choose to morph into a guy who can in turn morph into stuff because he's Jake from the Animorphs? So if I morph from this form into another form and stay like that for over two hours, will I or will I not get stuck like that?
Before she can delve deeper into this debate, Toad and Sabretooth rush in and each grab one of her arms and drag her off toward the school.
MYSTIQUE: Hey! What the--
TOAD: This is no time for philosophical discussions with the audience!
MYSTIQUE: (shrieking) This is NOT incognito, guys!
TOAD AND SABRETOOTH: Shut up!
Cut scene to inside the school mansion place. Cyclops and Storm rush into Professor X's office. Professor X is hiding under his desk. As Storm and Cyclops enter, the Professor leaps up from behind his desk and fires a plastic phaser at them.
PROFESSOR X: Die, Klingon scum!
STORM: Professor, get back in your wheelchair!
CYCLOPS: I'm a bird, I'm a plane, I'm-- oof!
Storm elbows Cyclops in the stomach. (How I'd love to elbow Cyclops in the stomach...)
STORM: Professor, Rogue is gone!
PROFESSOR X: Oh, no! We have to find her!
Wolverine rushes in.
WOLVERINE: I wanna find her because I feel responsible for her, which reveals that I am not always the loner I try so hard to seem to be! Well, that just about covers any character development we can hope for in this flick...
Jean Grey rushes in.
JEAN GREY: Did I mention that Logan's bones are made out of metal and he's haunted by his past?
Three guys dressed in red rush in.
LEAD GUY IN RED: Did I mention that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition?
Cut scene to Cerebro. Professor X walks, er, wheels in, followed by Wolverine.
WOLVERINE: Wow, this certainly is a big, round room. [HEY! I saw that plug, Mal! You won't get away with it! .-=K=-.]
PROFESSOR X: You're a bright kid. Now run along so I can concentrate on my silly hat.
Professor X puts on a hat that looks like something from an MST3K-flick. He concentrates on finding Rogue. Pretty soon he emerges and tells everyone that she's at the train station. He doesn't want Wolverine to go but Wolverine runs off and steals Cyclops' motorcycle. Cyclops and Storm run off to the garage so they can be on their way to gallantly ride in and save the day.
CYCLOPS: Holy Kleenex, Batman, somebody stole the Batmobile!
Outside, Wolverine presses a button on the motorcycle and goes really freaking fast.
AUDIENCE: We are amused!
He gets to the train station and finds Rogue on the train. (Wow...a train...at the train station...who'd of thought?)
ROGUE: Please have a heartfelt talk with me; I'm so young and vulnerable.
Wolverine and Rogue have a heartfelt talk, which ends up with them deciding to go back to the mansion/school place. Just then the train leaves. Outside in the train station, Storm and Cyclops are looking for Rogue. Storm is asking the ticket person if they've seen her when Sabretooth stalks up behind her and grabs her by the neck.
SABRETOOTH: Scream for me. Gee, that line was pointless. Oh, well, I'm gonna shove your head through the ticket window now, okay?
He does so.
Meanwhile, Cyclops is kinda standing there looking incredibly conspicuous in his nifty ruby-quartz visor. Toad walks up to the wall behind him, spits on his hands and feet to stick, and climbs up it. He uses his tongue (yeah, baby, yeeaaah!) to snatch Cyke's visor, causing him to turn around in surprise and blow out the roof of the train station. Smooth.
Storm decides now would be an appropriate time to throw Sabretooth through the wall with a big gust of wind. She does so. Toad puts on the visor and follows suit, though by his own means. He almost lands on Sabretooth.
TOAD: (plays with the knobs on the visor) Psheew, psheew, BLAM!
SABRETOOTH: (clenches teeth) I swear, I'm so gonna kick your ass one of these days.
TOAD: Pow, bzzzzrrrrr! Quit playing around!
SABRETOOTH: I'm not playing around, you are!
SPOCK: Congratulations, Sabretooth, you've just won the logician of the year award!
TOAD: (sniffles) Why does everybody always gang up on me?
Toad sulks away.
MALIGNA: You jerks, you hurt his feelings!
AMY-WAN: You're playing favorites again...
MALIGNA: Sorry, my bad...
TOAD: Aw, now the director's against me too!
MALIGNA: Wha--? Thanks a lot, Amada!
AMY-WAN: ^_^
Cut scene to inside the train. It stops all of a sudden and everybody looks confused. The door of the car opens and Magneto walks in.
MAGNETO: This helmet is cutting off circulation to my brain.
WOLVERINE: Grr!
Wolverine dives at Magneto, but is stopped when Magneto uses his magnetic powers to manipulate the metal in his bones. He throws him through the opposite wall.
ROGUE: Oh no, I'm too youthfully adorable to protect myself!
Magneto thwaps her upside the head.
MAGNETO: Stop whining.
Cut scene to outside the train station. There's about a million-bajillion policemen and police cars outside. The police cars are arranged in a manner that is pleasing to the eye like they were going to shoot a car commercial or something. The only thing they'd need now would be a shot of one driving up Mount Everest.
Magneto walks out flanked by his lackeys. Rogue is slung over Toad's shoulder. Why they made Toad carry her when Sabretooth is like twice as big, I don't know, but I'm not going to bitch about it.
TOAD: Thanks.
(Grumble)
MAGNETO: Wow, they sent the whole NYPD after us, I'm flattered. You people do realize that right now there are probably hundreds of thieves all over the city having a first-rate time looting the banks of innocent people's money?
HEAD COP: Protecting the people is nothing compared to protecting the roof of our beloved train station.
MAGNETO: Look on the bright side, you've got a lovely new skylight. Anyway, Charlie, I know you're here.
Scene cuts to inside a squad car, where Professor X is sitting with Jean Grey.
PROFESSOR X: (telepathically) <Don't call me Charlie.>
MAGNETO: Hey, look what I can do!
Magneto uses his powers to snatch all the cops' guns away and turn them back on their owners. Then he smashes two of the police cars with the other two police cars.
Professor X in turn to uses his powers to take control of the minds of Sabretooth and Toad. Sabretooth grabs Magento's neck. Everyone waits for Toad to say his line. Cue cricket sound effects.
EVERYONE: ...
TOAD: Ha! Your puny mind tricks won't work on me, I'm Force-sensitive!
AMY-WAN: No you're not, Maligna's just doting!
MALIGNA: (smacks her clone back into her own stupid fan fiction)
EVERONE: (grumbles)
Magneto cocks all the shotguns at the police squad.
MAGNETO: I don't think I can stop all the bullets, Charlie.
Professor X sighs and lets Sabretooth and...just Sabretooth go.
TOAD: Ha, ha, Professor X messed with your head!
SABRETOOTH: Shut up.
At this point Toad would stick his tongue out at him but that could take weeks, at best.
MAGNETO: That's why you're going to end up losing, Charlie, you're not willing to sacrifice innocent people for your own selfish motives.
Mystique comes in with their stolen helicopter and everybody piles in and escapes.
Cut scene to the mansion school place. Mystique, still in the form of Jake from the Animorphs, morphs into Professor X and enters Cerebro. She dumps a pitcher of green Kool-Aid into a cylinder full of Gak (a mixture of two of the most disgusting substances in the known universe) and leaves.
Cut scene to outside Cerebro, later. Professor X and his super-posse are gathered around.
PROFESSOR X: I'll use Cerebro to find Rogue. Why I didn't think of using Cerebro to track, oh, say, Mystique or Toad or Sabretooth back to wherever the bad guys are hiding before, I don't know. Maybe it's because the director is missing some crucial plotpoint because she's an idiot.
MALIGNA: Hey, I'm paying your wages, pal!
Anyway, Picard attempts to find Rogue with Cerebro but instead is poisoned or something by the Kool-Aid and keels over...right off the edge of the walkway.
PROFESSOR X: Oof!
They fix Cerebro and Jean Grey uses it to find out that they're taking Rogue to the Statue of Lizardy, er, Liberty. Now the X-Men have this nifty table-thing with lots of little metal things that they can use to make 3D landscapes and stuff. I don't know why they have it, how it works, or anything about it, but it looks cool and they use it to describe their plan to get Rogue back.
STORM: Okay, they're taking Rogue to the Statue of Liberty. Which is located here. (Points to a 3D model of the Statue of Liberty.) We'll go to the Statue of Liberty and beat the crap out of the Brotherhood, right?
EVERYONE ELSE: Right!
STORM: All right, everybody get into your restrictive and inconvenient but overall cool-looking leather costumes! Cyclops, you fuel up the jet!
CYCLOPS: (staring at the ceiling, to himself, head tilted to one side) Peter Parker picked a peck of pickled peppers, a peck of pickled peppers Peter Parker picked, if -- I'm sorry, did you say something?
Pause. Everyone stares at him.
STORM: On second thought, Jean, you fuel up the jet. I don't trust this guy with flammables.
Cut scene to nighttime, outside the statue of Liberty. A boat is coming up to dock. The guy on the boat waves to the guy on the shore and the guy on the shore waves to the guy on the boat. The guy on the shore is impaled by Sabretooth and the guy on the boat doesn't find anything out of the ordinary about this. That's because the guy on the boat is Mystique.
Toad has painted his face red and black and is still wearing Cyke's visor. At the moment he is busy turning security guards into smudges on the sidewalks. He lands right behind Sabretooth, who gets cop-guts splattered all over him.
SABRETOOTH: Watch where you're squishing! Yuuuck! Hey, what the hell is that stuff on your face?
TOAD: I'm Darth Maul!
He pulls out a plastic lightsaber and swings it around a few times.
TOAD: Whoosh, bzzzzrrrrr...
SABRETOOTH: You frighten me sometimes.
Inside the boat, Rogue is huddled up in a fetal position in a corner of the cabin. Magneto enters.
ROGUE: Are you going to kill me?
MAGNETO: Yes.
ROGUE: Oh...wait a minute, what?
MAGNETO: Betcha didn't see that one coming.
They dock and go to the statue. Magneto straps Rogue into his big machine thingy.
MAGNETO: I'm terribly sorry about all this.
ROGUE: Really?
MAGNETO: No.
Cut scene to inside the X-Jet. It strangely resembles the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon. Cyclops and Storm are sitting in the front, and Jean and Wolverine behind them, respectively. They're all suited up in stylish but obviously uncomfortable leather outifits.
WOLVERINE: Why are we wearing these silly outfits, anyway? You guys actually go out in public in these things?
CYCLOPS: What would you prefer, yellow spandex?
The X-Men fans laugh and nudge each other because they think the rest of us don't get it. (That's okay, because the Star Wars fans did the same thing during Senator Palpatine's "And you, young Skywalker, we will watch your career with great interest...")
WOLVERINE: Well...maybe...if it had blue trimming. Won't the security people at the Statue notice us?
JEAN: Stop asking stupid questions, Toad squished them all in the last scene.
WOLVERINE: How do you know that?
JEAN: Am I the only one who read the script?
EVERYONE ELSE: Script?
Cut scene to the Statue of Liberty. The jet turns into a boat (kinda like the Gadgetmobile!) and lands on the water. Everybody piles out and climbs up the beach. They enter the statue gift shop.
CYCLOPS: Can I get a souvenir? --Ow!
Storm elbows him in the stomach. Wolverine sniffs the air for a second.
WOLVERINE: I smell something. (Sniff, sniff) It's making me hungry.
A hotdog vendor wanders in.
HOTDOG VENDOR: Hi, I'm Stan "The Man" Lee in a cameo role! Like a hotdog?
[NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR: I don't know who the hell Stan "The Man" Lee is except that he answers questions in my cousin's X-Men comics and I hear he has a cameo as a hotdog vendor.]
Everyone buys a hotdog.
WOLVERINE: I smell something else. I don't think we're alone in here. Everybody split up and look by yourself.
CYCLOPS: I always though that there was safety in nu-- oof!
Storm elbows him in the stomach.
STORM: Don't be a smart-ass.
CYCLOPS: But I-- oof!
Wolverine goes off into some other part of the statue. He's sniffing around when all of a sudden another Wolverine tackles him. Hearing the commotion, the other three X-Men run in.
STORM: But which one is which?!
JEAN: How are we going to tell?!
CYCLOPS: Hey, this is kinda like that one Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk was fighting that other Captain Kirk and--
STORM AND JEAN: Shut up, Cyclops!
Suddenly Toad and Sabretooth come barreling out of nowhere.
CYCLOPS: (who's been wearing his sunglasses) Hey, that's my visor! I need that thing!
Cyclops snatches it away from Toad.
TOAD: Hey! Finders-keepers!
He snatches it back.
CYCLOPS: That belong to me!
He snatches it back and puts it on.
TOAD: You suck.
Toad stalks off to fight somebody else and Cyclops is tackled by Sabretooth. (The director snickers.)
Toad, meanwhile, Toad knocks out Storm temporarily and then goes after Jean Grey. Jean's not really doing anything and is pretty nervous so she's jumping around quite a bit. Toad does his dance thing. The audience laughs. Some of them, myself included, concentrate on memorizing the choreography for later. These people are all completely insane.
Toad leaps at Jean Grey, who uses her telekinesis to stop him in midair, but she forgets that he can spit toxic slime and he does so, right in her face. Toad drops to the floor and Jean falls on her bum and starts screaming and waving her hands around like a small child.
Storm wakes up just then (as the Church Lady would say, how conveeeenient...) and Toad goes after her. They jump around and throw a few punches for a while and Toad shoves Storm down an elevator shaft. Then he does a nifty spinny-twirly thing with a pole and the Star Wars fans cheer because we can find a Star Wars reference in everything.
Cut scene to Wolverine vs. Wolverine.
The real Wolverine kicks the fake Wolverine and the fake Wolverine extends her extendable fingernails but the real Wolverine has real extendable fingernails while the fake Wolverine has fake extendable fingernails so the fake Wolverine's extendable fingernails are swiped in half. Did anybody understand that? Anyway, the fake Wolverine turns back into Mystique so that the battle won't be as confusing anymore.
But just when you were about to be not confused anymore, the scene cuts to Cyke and Sabretooth. Cyke knocks Sabretooth out and rushes over to Jean Grey, who has quite a bit of Toad-slime on her face and can't seem to get it off.
CYCLOPS: Hold still.
JEAN GREY: (muffled) Are you cwazy?! You coodn't hit da bwoad side of a bawn wif dat ting!
CYCLOPS: Okay, then I'll aim for your stomach.
JEAN GREY: Oh, otay...what?!
Cyke, through the miracle of plot devices, blasts off the Toad-goo and Jean's face is without any scarring or signs of her ordeal whatsoever.
Cut back to Toad vs. Storm. Storm uses her powers to fly up the elevator shaft and blast it open in a rather nice shot that was used in all the trailers and commercials. Toad turns around and just rooooooolls his eyes and says...
TOAD: Don't you people ever die?!
...and not...
TOAD: Nooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw.
Storm gives the Blustery Day episode of Winnie the Pooh a run for its money by directing a rather large amount of air all out onto the balcony at once and Toad's having a rather difficult time keeping his head and arms and for the most part all the rest of him inside the statue. Long sequence short, he flies out onto the balcony, goes over the edge, and grabs onto the railing with his tongue. The hands of every one of the audience members flies to its respective mouth and the spectators let out a collective:
AUDIENCE: Owww!
Toad and Storm wait for a few minutes for the plot to develop but it doesn't because the author's apprentice Boba Fett has climbed onto her lap demanding to be petted and she can't continue typing the screenplay and play with her cat all at once.
STORM: Hello, you're neglecting your movie here!
TOAD: (holds up a sign reading:) Could you hurry along now? This REALLY hurts!
MALIGNA: Fine, geez!
The author puts her cat down and continues typing. Anywho...
STORM: Do you know what happens to a Toad when it's struck by lightning?
TOAD: (holds up a sign reading:) Do you know what happens to a miscast actress when she recites bad dialogue?
STORM: The same thing that happens to everything else.
TOAD: (holds up a sign reading:) She earns the utter loathing of everyone in the audience.
Especially the TEB. *[HEY! I'm warning you, Mal... ;) .-=K=-.]*
With that Storm calls down a bolt of lightning and what I like to refer to as the "incident" happens. A Xena war cry is heard off-camera and Storm is tackled by an extremely angry director who proceeds to beat the crap out of her.
PEOPLE WHO'VE SEEN THE STAR WARS SPOOF SERIES: Oh, no, is she going to do this in EVERY parody?! Why doesn't she just write it out of the script?
MALIGNA: (stops and looks at the screen) Huh?
P.W.S.T.S.W.S.S.: Write it out of the script!
MALIGNA: Good idea! My readers are geniuses!
The director pulls out a copy of the script and sets to work on it with a pencil. She crosses out the "incident" and scribbles something. Scene rewinds back to:
TOAD: Don't you people ever die?! Well, apparently not, so why bother? Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Toad stalks off the set and the "incident" never occurs.
Cut scene before more bad stuff can happen. Logan is inside standing at alert by himself. Storm appears in the doorway behind him.
STORM: Logan? We have to regroup with the others.
WOLVERINE: Yeah... One problem. You're not part of the group.
He turns around and stabs Storm with his extendable fingernails and Storm gasps and falls over.
STORM: You...idiot! I'm...the...real...Storm!
WOLVERINE: Oops!
STORM: Gotcha!
Storm morphs back into Mystique and goes unconscious. Logan blinks a couple of times and then shrugs, grins, and walks off. He finds Jean and Cyke, who immediately points his eyes at him.
WOLVERINE: Hey, it's me.
CYCLOPS: Prove it.
WOLVERINE: You're a dick.
CYCLOPS: Okay.
[Author's note: Hey, you don't mess with the "you're a dick" scene!]
Storm rushes in and they all run off to find Magneto and Sabretooth and Rogue. They reach the top where they find that Magneto is waiting for them.
JEAN: All right, hand over Rogue!
MAGNETO: Over my dead body!
GREEDO: That's the idea!
STORM: What do you want with her?
MAGNETO: Oh, come now, you know what I want.
The X-Men untense a bit and lose their heroic stances. They look at each other and whisper for a minute and then turn back to Magneto.
WOLVERINE: Nope, it's conclusive; none of us know why the hell any of this is happening.
MAGNETO: Well, that's odd... (pulls out a copy of the script) Hey, the author left out part of the script! The Senator Kelly arrival/death scene!
MALIGNA: What? No, I definitely remember writing that! He was supposed to explode in a mass of green Jello all over Storm. Then I was going to have a bunch of gerbils run in and do a plug for the Church of the Gerbil! [That's it, Mal! No more Toad pipcs for you! Naughty, evil writer! ;) .-=K=-.]
JEAN: Oh, great, the page musta fallen out before you made copies. NOW what are we supposed to do?
MAGNETO: Okay, okay, I'll explain my evil plot. I have a machine that I used to turn Senator Kelly into a mutant. I power it myself but it almost killed me. I'm going to turn all the people and the world summit meeting over on Ellis Island into mutants but I have to transfer my energy into Rogue and have her do it for me so I'm not the one who has to die. The machine is up in the torch and Rogue is all strapped in.
EVERYONE: Oh, crap!
SABRETOOTH: (who's behind Magneto) ...And the plot thickens!
Magneto manipulates the iron in everyone's blood to clamp 'em to the wall.
MAGNETO: You'd better shut your eyes, Cyclops.
CYCLOPS: Why?
MAGNETO: Just frigging do it.
He steals Cyke's visor and points his face towards Jean. Wolvie's claws are directed more or less to his neck, more to his shoulders, really, but whatever.
WOLVERINE: You are so full of shit, Magneto. If you were really so righteous it'd be you in that thing.
MAGNETO: I...err...well, I... Dammit!
Magneto rushes off to transfer his power to Rogue and Sabretooth goes off to sit on the roof. Wolverine decides that they can't just sit there while Rogue is killed and since he can heal really fast stabs himself through the shoulders, cutting himself free of whatever he was stuck to the wall with. He falls to the floor with a splat and immediately rushes off to be the hero of the movie.
JEAN: Wait, Logan, come and free the rest of--
The door slams behind him.
JEAN: --us. Jerk.
CYCLOPS: Hey, when you close your eyes for a long time you start to see little stars!
STORM: Cyclops, if I wasn't stuck to the wall right now, I'd give you the elbow in the stomach to end all elbows in the stomach.
Meanwhile, up on the roof, Wolverine appears and attacks Cyclops. They go through a nice little action sequence that I'd kill to see done with lightsabers and the Force for a while and Wolvie does this nifty thing where he slides all the way around one of the spikes on the Statue's hat and does that pose that they had in all the trailers and commercials.
WOLVERINE: Isn't this symbolic? I mean, we're up here fighting for the liberty of mutants and we're actually ON the Statue of Liberty!
SABRETOOTH: Shut up.
Wolvie's about to dive at Sabretooth when--
SABRETOOTH: Wait!
Wolvie stops.
SABRETOOTH: There's something you need to know. Logan, I am your father.
WOLVERINE: Really?
SABRETOOTH: Well, I dunno.
They both look at the camera and raise an eyebrow.
MALIGNA: Well, don't look at me, I just go by what I hear from people who actually read the comic books!
SABRETOOTH: You do realize that you're probably the least qualified person on the planet to be doing an X-Men story.
MALIGNA: Well don't cast Ray Park in a movie if you don't want me parodying it, smartass!
SABRETOOTH: I didn't cast Ray Park, Bryan Singer did!
MALIGNA: Then don't yell at me, yell at Bryan Singer! Now get back to fighting!
They get back to fighting. Eventually Sabretooth trips over his own foot and falls off the edge of the Statue. But he has to survive so that Tyler Mane can do the sequel and subsequently do many more comic conventions and maybe get chased around the stage by Ray Park again if we're lucky. (Chicago Wizard World Comic Con 2000.)
So all the X-People gather around on a balcony below the torch which has exploded dramatically. Even though he can blast Toad-slime off of Jean's face, Cyke can't hit Magneto or the machine or anything and the blue bubble is getting dangerously close to Ellis Island and Rogue is dying.
They stand there for a while glancing at their watches and such until they finally decide to make a combined effort to get Wolvie up there because Wolvie's the almighty hero and looks good in silly hairdos, ooh la la. So they get Wolvie up there but he can't do anything because Magneto's stopping him from doing anything.
WOLVERINE: Um, guys, remind me why we sent the METAL one of us up here again?!
JEAN: Well now I feel stupid.
Wolverine finds his hand being drawn unwillingly to his nose and up it.
MAGNETO: Ha! Lookit that, he's picking his nose!
WOLVERINE: You're such a moron.
CYCLOPS: Wait a minute, NOW I can shoot Magneto!
He does so. Wolverine slices through the machine and the bubble pops. He frees Rogue, who slumps into his arms. Everything suddenly gets all emotional until Logan decides to sacrifice himself like a true hero to save his friend. He places a hand on her cheek. She suddenly wakes up and Logan's veins start popping out and stuff and it's really icky.
WOLVERINE: WTF?! She's alive! Get her off me!
Logan drops her harshly, but she's alive and he's alive and everyone's perfectly alive, even Toad.
AUDIENCE: Oh, happy day!
The music swells. Tears come to the eyes of the audience...as a rude lady in the front row sprays a ridiculous amount of nasty perfume all over the place.
Cut scene to a clear plastic room.
AUDIENCE: Wait a minute, THAT was the climax?!
MALIGNA: Yes, it was.
Cut scene to a clear plastic room. Professor X and Magneto (in a white jumpsuit) are playing a friendly board game.
PROFESSOR X: B5.
MAGNETO: Oh, you sunk my battleship you [censored]!
Magneto flips over the table and tries to get up but is restrained by the guards. Professor X starts to wheel away.
PROFESSOR X: Better luck next time, old friend.
MAGNETO: (struggling to get away) This plastic prison won't hold me forever, you jerk, and when I do get out I'll have revenge for this!
PROFESSOR X: It's only a game, you know.
Zoom out, and fade out.
After the movie, Professor X got better.
Rogue played table soccer with Iceman.
Logan returned to Canada to set up a plot for the sequel.
Jean and Cyke were pissed at each other because Jean didn't know if she liked Cyke or Wolvie more and wouldn't until the sequel.
Storm worked on her dialogue.
Mystique got better and posed as Senator Kelly and passed all kinds of wacky bills, including, but not limited to, changing the national anthem to the Bum Bum Song. (That one was vetoed by the president.)
Toad went over to the director's house and they watched The Phantom Menace backwards and in slow motion.
Sabretooth spent 11 1/2 years in wrestling.
Written and directed by Darth Maligna
Cast
Wolverine -- Hugh Jackman
Rogue -- Anna Paquin
Storm -- The wrong actress
Cyclops -- A guy whose hair looks like its from a comic book
Jean Grey -- Famke Janssen
Professor X -- Captain Jean Luc Picard
Magneto -- Ian McKellan who's apparently famous but I've never heard of him
Toad -- Darth Maul
Mystique -- Rebecca Romi-...Roma-...ah, hell, I can't spell her last name
Sabretooth -- Nitro
Iceman -- The kid from Animorphs
Everyone else isn't worth mentioning.
Special effects by Paintshop Pro 2.0
Color by Crayola
Catering provided by Kentucky Frickin' Chicken (inside joke only one person on Earth will get)
Special thanks to
The U.S. Mint for making nickels
Darth Maul for getting me to see X-Men in the first place
The manufacturers of the PT Cruiser
Bryan Singer for making such a kick-ass film
Kalika for the tobacco bit
The blue level of the Rosemont Convention Center parking garage
My furry apprentice Boba Fett
No special thanks to
The people who made the Toad figure look like a ventriloquist's dummy
Pennies, dimes, quarters, and all forms of paper money
Microsoft for making my life a living hell
Bryan Singer for letting the "incident" happen in the first place
(c)2000 What-The-Hell-Was-That-All-About? Productions
All rights reserved, including the right to remain silent. No part of this may be archived or anything without the exclusive permission of Darth Maligna unless you want her to get medieval on your hiney.