Winter & Yanamai
(Tiffany Dunn)

(Portrait by Debbie Sutherlin)
 

*110 ADT*

Yanamai flipped the pages of her textbook in quick succession, hardly seeing the words at all.  Another test, another chance to put a non-existent Roug career on the line.  She stopped at a detailed picture of the anatomy of some plant and then continued on.  At least there were only two mind-numbing chapters to go.  She was hardly picking up anything out of her quick skim, but she knew reading in depth wouldn't get her anywhere either.  There was too much else skittering through her thoughts, distracting her.

It was bonding time again.

She closed the book and laid it down on the desk in front of her.  How many years had she been through this now?  Technically ten, she supposed, but the anticipation of actually being able to bond had really only been for the last three years.  Three years she'd waited, and for three years the Light had overlooked her.  Yana knew she would be overlooked again this year, and every year thereafter, but she couldn't help feeling anxious, couldn't help seeking out the unicorns like all of the other students, making an abnormal amount of eye contact.  Even the shy students like Rhia were looking up more, hopeful to be one of the chosen.

Yana shoved her seat back and grabbed her cloak, pulled it on.  ::You're a stranger:: she reminded herself as she moved quietly from the library.  ::You'll never bond.::

It was dusk out, the shadows playing games with the diminishing light, darkness coming quietly over the Academy grounds.  The night air was cold, chilled with the bite of First Winter.  A season that had become as familiar to her as the language she now spoke fluently, though her unique accent only added to her distance from the other students.  ::As though purple hair wasn't enough:: she mused, grinning sharply at the sky.  At least it was finally  finally!  beginning to return to its normal color.  A color no one in Uen had ever seen her with before, unless she was wearing a wig in one of the few plays she performed in.

Yana took long, slow steps across the grounds, considering and then discarding the idea of returning to her room.  She didn't feel like putting up with anyone right now.  And a report waited to be written there as well, one for History on the formation of the Roug in the Dark Times.  But that wasn't due until tomorrow afternoon after her test.  She could cram it in during lunch.

"And you wonder why the Light won't choose you," she murmured.  Though she had made serious strides in her studies, even in Diplomacy which she'd already failed twice, she knew her lackadaisical attitude to scholarly learning couldn't be doing her any favors.  Her gaze drifted, following students as they walked to the towers in pairs, or to the dining hall to eat a late meal, or simply hung around outside, talking.  The unicorns were out in force as well, all eager to be part of the new class.  Though it was foolishness, her steps led her towards them.

The last rays of the dulled winter sun lay long on the ground, quickly disappearing.  It touched on the coats of a few of the 'corns, ones Yana had come to know and quietly grown to love.  They had been the first beings that she had met in Uen that she'd trusted, even marginally.  Though the unicorns and the dream of bonding had not been what had kept her at the Academy, in all her time here she had read and heard about and seen bondings, Y'cha's, and graduations too many times to not want it for herself.

And to desperately want to avoid it.

Bonding terrified her.  Some of the new bondmates spoke of what it was like to friends, and she had overheard a few of those conversations when the towers were quiet and voices carried through the halls.  They always spoke of how it seemed their whole lives had been laid open; of how their very souls had seemed to leap from their bodies and join with the unicorn's; of how there were no secrets in that first moment and once you were bonded you could never be torn apart.  Unless you wanted to go through what Rowan had gone through, but nobody wanted to consider that.

Who among these spectacular beings could she give that level of trust and loyalty to?  She liked all of the unicorns, but she had never met one that she knew would be "right" for her.  And as much as she liked them, she often got the feeling that it wasn't entirely returned.  Not that they disliked her, but that her aloofness kept even them separate.  What if the 'corn she bonded with was disappointed?  What would they say when they saw all that she had been in her life, all that she had done?  And what if the strange curse that seemed to follow her through her life continued to her bondmate?  Every time she had loved someone she lost them.  As strong-willed as she knew herself to be, Yana also knew she couldn't survive that.

Yana tugged the cloak more tightly about her.  ::That's also why you won't bond:: she thought.  ::The Light wants good people.  Not people like you.::  While her heart believed in the Uen Roug's goals, she still felt
she lacked something that the other students, and graduates, had.  Something she couldn't quite name, though she was tempted to term it "innocence."  Still, she knew other Roug had had difficult childhoods or
other problems that they'd overcome to get there.  What was it that made them suitable and not her?

Displeased with the way this evening was turning, she brought her head up and looked around, spotting Sirocco a short distance away.  Patting her pockets, she found a half-eaten pastry that she'd taken to the library and forgotten to finish.  Shrugging her shoulders, Yana headed towards the 'corn with slow, sure steps.

{{Good evening, Yana}} he greeted her, his mindvoice quiet.

"Hello Sirocco."  Nerves tensed, she held her hand out.  She couldn't help it, she was always nervous when approaching the unicorns.  It was probably the deadly weapons placed so conveniently on their foreheads.  He blew breath across her palm, the unicorn equivalent of a handshake.  She pulled out the tart.  "I have an extra pastry left over, if you'd like it."

He took it with gentle teeth.  {{That's kind of you.  Thank you.}}

"You're welcome."  She wanted to reach out and feel the soft hairs on his nose, but kept her hands at her side.  It wasn't right to just touch them without asking, treating them like common horses.  Only bondmates could share that bond between them, she felt, that easy give and take of affection.  And she didn't have the courage to ask.  Not tonight, when the sky was clear and the stars looked cold and lonely.

Sirocco had easily finished the pastry and watched her now, waiting.  Yana met his gaze with hope.  When nothing sparked between them, she dropped her eyes away.  Though she'd been able to stare down Commander Jeremal  once, years ago  she could never look too long into the eyes of a unicorn.  Even the young ones seemed to know too much, be able to see too much about herself that she didn't even know, or want to know.

"That's it," she said, breaking the silence.  "Have a good evening, Sirocco."

{{You too, Yana.}}

Giving the evening up for lost, Yana decided to return to her room, feign sickness to her roommate, and crawl into bed.  As she approached the tower she noticed a group of unicorns at play, a small crowd of students watching them, hope in their eyes.  These 'corns were some of the younger mares and stallions: Rainshadow, Moonflash, Mirage, a very young Wishful who struggled to keep up at times, Flutter, and, apparently leading them all in their play, Winter.  Yana hardly knew most of these unicorns; ones that
swarmed together like bees during the day, constantly moving from one pastime to another.  The young woman shook her head, smiling despite herself as she watched.  These 'corns were the epitome of the childhood she'd lost.  It would be almost cruel of her to want to bond with one of them.  Not that she could even imagine being bonded to a unicorn like Rainshadow or Wishful.  If she could pick a bondmate, she'd choose an older, calmer, quieter friend.

Still, Yana settled on the outskirts of the crowd and admired the youth and beauty on display.

Winter high-stepped around Mirage, enjoying herself immensely.  They'd decided to come out and play, drawing human bondmate-hopefuls to them while spending a fun evening on top of it.  She'd come up with the current game, a unicorn version of Arnos the Rover.  The unicorns had to remain quiet and sneak up on the one in the middle  "Arnos," whose eyes were closed  and tap him before they were in turn caught.  Tempest had tried to convince them that it built quick reflexes and strengthened hornplay, but they just
enjoyed the game.

So far there had been no successful bondings this evening, but the night wasn't over yet, and there were more students pausing with every tick.

Winter backed away from Mirage when he whipped his head her way and she took another opportunity to look around the crowd, purposefully making eye contact with every student, even the ones she hardly knew.  Only the Light could tell who would be her bonded, and any one of them would do.  Her gaze
flicked past one of the newcomers and then came back.  At first she thought it was the purple hair that had drawn her attention, but their eyes met and she paused, struck by the strangest feeling.  It turned her stomach over, like excitement did, and weighed her down, like anticipation.  But as whatever it was snapped between them, it disappeared, and left behind only the feeling of something unfinished.  The young woman blinked and shook her head, then turned around with sharp movements and hurried away.  Winter tilted her head to the side, wanting to follow.

Mirage suddenly bumped into her with his nose, and he let out a high-pitched mindshout.  {{GOTCHA!}}

Winter whinnied sharply.  She had been so caught up in the odd feelings that she hadn't even noticed when the stallion had pranced right up to her.  Behind him, Moonflash was nickering aloud with laughter.  Winter rolled her lip up and snorted.  {{I let you get me}} she informed Mirage.  She'd lost sight of the student by now, and the feeling had ebbed away.  Shaking her head to clear the last of it from her thoughts, Winter
turned on the other unicorns, a gleam in her eye.

{{Let's play Demon Attack!}} she cried, lunging for her nearest target  Mirage.  The stallion squealed and leapt out of the way.

Yana stared at the dark ceiling.  The even breathing of her roommate was only broken by the occasional nighttime sound.  It had been hours since bedtime, and Yana hadn't been to sleep yet.  She couldn't sleep when something kept pricking at her thoughts, keeping her awake with the unfulfilled sense of it.  An expectation hung on her, and she was afraid that if she slept she'd miss whatever it was she was waiting for.  The feeling had been with her since earlier that evening, when she'd stopped to watch the young unicorns and Winter had looked at her.  Yana tried to recall Winter's power, thought it was something with cold and ice.  Appropriate for the season, perhaps, but not for what she felt now.  Perhaps the young mare had felt the same thing?  She'd certainly seemed to.  Was the expectation distracting her from sleep, too?

Calling on well-trained skills, Yana slid near-silently from her bed, dressed with precision in the darkness, then crept from the room and slipped outside.  When the fresh cold blasted against her face, she nearly
went back inside to wait for the warmer morning.  But the expectation and her own pride kept her feet moving towards the stables, relying on the plentiful darkness to hide her.  The moon was only a quarter full, a sliver of light in the sky, ghosting the trees.  She wasn't sure when she'd lost her fear of the nighttime.  Probably when she'd let the last of her Terian superstitions go, and accepted that there was no Urtoth hunting in the dark.  But the memory of it was enough to have her looking over her shoulder, enough to have her stop, heart racing, when she saw movement in the shadows.

Swallowing fear down, Yana waited, and soon a unicorn emerged from the gloom, taking soft steps, casting furtive glances.

"Winter?" Yana whispered, not sure if her mind was deceiving her.

The young mare looked up, startled.  {{Hello?}} Her mindvoice was equally unsure.

Coming out from behind the tree, Yana lifted a hand in greeting.  "I'm here.  What are you doing out at this hour?"

Looking back over her shoulder to make sure those other shadows were still only shadows, Winter took a few steps closer to the young woman.  {{I was coming to wake you up}} she said, turning and meeting Yana's eyes.

The time and place were not as Winter had hoped, in her secret dreams that no one, until now, knew about.  Those hopes were for a public bonding, in front of the whole of the Academy, with a bondmate so full of love and life and laughter that they were destined to be the greatest Roug that ever lived.  She never once dreamed it would be in the darkest hour between dusk and dawn, alone on the wet grass of the Academy, with only the bright stars and crescent moon above to witness it.

But as her soul swarmed out and around and into the young woman that stood before her, this time and place  and person  were perfect.  They were the gossamer of the greatest dreams of all: those achieved and treasured.

Shock and fear and hope slammed into Yana, chorusing into a mad song of love and pain as lives collided.  Winter's presence filled her, forced inner doors open and barged in, love heedless in the face of anything Yana could want to hide.  Long-held defenses crumbled like wispy clouds under the force of Winter's Light, and what she'd thought was a dry well of feeling overflowed.

Winter couldn't look away; she wasn't seeing Yana at all.  Lives whirled, thoughts and senses danced, careened into memories.  It was all there, like an unwanted visitor, the secrets and lies and pain, such pain, that Winter hesitated at the magnitude of it.  But then she washed over it, covered it with love and forgiveness until it sparkled like a distant reminder of what could no longer be felt, a sign of what no longer mattered.  And Yana saw the journey that she'd begun, ages ago, the trail that had led her straight here, always here, like an arrow shot true from destiny's bow.  There was nowhere else she could have gone but here: all of her paths ended at Winter, at this moment, in the dark, where her soul could shine free and
find the greatest gift of the Light.

A moment had passed, a lifetime.  Each part of the new whole separated because it must, returned to who they used to be and found they were no longer who they were.  The expectation had disappeared, left contentment and joy burning brightly in the souls that housed the new bondmates.  Two minds that had combined, unwove themselves now; but not fully, each leaving a piece behind, a promise that they would never be apart again.  Winter couldn't speak as she grew aware of the nighttime once more, abnormally
silent after the bonding.  Surely they had woken the whole Academy with the sound of their joy!

But there was no one but the pair.  Her new bonded was weeping, on her knees, her head buried in her hands.  Winter took the first step, pressed her nose into Yana's shoulder.  Memories flashed like lightning across her mind.  She didn't know what to say or do to help her bondmate, couldn't understand the emotions that she felt.  It was too new, too complicated, and all she had to fight it was love and acceptance, which she gave gladly.

With no words, Yana reached up and pressed one wet hand to the side of Winter's nose, and touched the soft hairs there.