circles
(for dustin)
when you entered my life,
a cocky seventeen year old,
with voracious hunger
and only a little less
experience in satisfying it,
searching for answers
but unsure of the questions,
i had no idea you would fill
the void that self-preservation
had created in my heart.
but into my life you moved,
nonetheless, carving a deep,
unceasing awareness of you
constantly within my heart,
soul, mind and body,
destroying forever any illusion
that i held of freedom
or independence from need
of love, intimacy,
or indeed, of desire.
and so i hid myself from you,
(born of necessity)
from your callous, self-gratifying
and sometimes cruel attitude,
(you know the one)
that served to justify anything
and anyone you chose to do,
allowing you to maintain
the fantasy that i did not matter
beyond the filling of immediate need.
yet i underestimated my price
from the illusion you had built,
the denial of any emotion,
relationship or bond,
the loss of trust, self-esteem
and confidence,
a profound pain i struggle now to balm.
the fear of you, of losing you and knowing
that i truly have no right to you
or to be the love in your life.
we come from such different worlds
yet our bonds are the same,
and i cannot help but love you --
incessantly, thoroughly,
and yes, sometimes obsessively,
for fear of an inevitable loss
of you fills my soul
with fear, panic, dread
and a quiet desperation to hold on
and never let you go.
7/4/95
