It's that time of year again, when things go bump in the night and all my friends become a dentist's worst nightmare.  Yes, that's right, all my friends are vampires.  Why do I hang out with vampires you ask?  It's simple: can you fathom the life insurance premiums for immortals?  There's good money to be made there...

Yeah, and this was after the braces!  Notice the blood on his chin from where he bit his lip.  Now do you want to be a vampire?  I think not.

    "Aww, come on!  Just a nibble?  It's a known fact that not even we vampires can handle the potent awesomeness of pure James blood, so I'll only take a few drops!"

    Indeed, things were getting hairy.  James realized that he was greatly outnumbered by these undead, pointy teethed bloodsuckers (more so than even when he was dealing with insurance companies).  What's our hero to do?  How does one even as awesome and cunning as James escape the undead clutches of immortal creatures of the night?

    "Oh no, I am frozen in awe before James's greatness.  How will I bring myself to attack?"

    Though it was a paralyzing move against the vampires, James's display of his usual awesomeness would only freeze his light-fearing pursuers for a short time, so he had to think fast.

    James further realized that among the pointy-toothed threesome, the undead Big K would be the fiercest and most violent of his attackers.  Yes, time was running short, so James had to think of a plan fast!

The lead vampire was the first to attack, but as always James was ready with his unending supply of tools and genius ideas (more so than even MacGuyver).  They say that only a stake to the heart can kill a vampire, but James says that a bullet to the groin will solve any problem.   Eternal castration for the undead meant that James now had one down and two to go...

    "Oh no!  Our leader is now talking like Mickey Mouse!  Whatever shall we do?  Hold me, for I am fear-stricken!"

    "I don't know what to do, but dang!  That James is darn sexy with that gun and uniform!"

    "I know then!  Let us throw ourselves at him, pledging our undying love and eternal servitude so that we will not also be shot in the groin!"

    "Great idea, but I call shotgun in his hot sexy car that almost but not quite matches him in hot sexiness!"

So not even the undead were a match for James's irresistible charm and dashing good looks.  Realizing that their bloodlust was tame in light of James's combat-crazed desire to dominate everything, they quickly became his right- and left- hand vampire women.  But alas, some things are just too good to be true...

"Wait -- I wanted shotgun!  It's obvious that there is not enough James for the both of us, so I will have to kill you!"

"But wait, we're both vampires, so if you bite me--"

"Shuttup!  I'm about to kill you!"

"James, look into my hypnotic eyes and beat this foul wrench off of me!"

"He's mine, I tell you!  Mine!"

At this point, James sadly realized there was only one course of action left to take...

James's army of giant killer robots quickly showed up on the scene, dispatched of the vampires, and James lived happily ever after.

The End!