10/21/03
This article by Writer

Here at J-Rock ReMix, we consider it our sworn and solemn duty to bring you the freshest, juiciest, and highest-quality J-Rock information available on the black market today. We have agents in the field 24/7, forgoing sleep, nourishment, and basic human bodily functions just to bring YOU the exclusive info you crave. To expose the mysteries and deepest secrets of J-rockers, that is our holy mission!

That said, we ALSO consider it our duty to shed light on the burning questions that keep our readers awake at night, wondering, as they lay in bed alone and shivering. The following is a set of actual questions from and actual reader. Fear not, dear reader! You no longer have to stare up at the midnight sky and wonder; Would Gackt really taste like vanilla?

1)Is Ayumi Hamasaki a Poodle Brained Briteny Spears clone or mearly the airheaded embassador for a planet of man-eating chihuahuas?

Yes and yes. I hear she was picked specifically by said chihuahuas after a grueling haggis-eating contest in which she and one other finalist were the only ones to qualify. But the other finalist was ugly so they ate her.

2)What would crazed fangirls think if Mana started dating Izam?

I dunno what the fangirls would think, but we've got scientists working around-the-clock to determine the genetic implications if they actually MATED. So far, the scientists are undecided as to the outcome, but they all agree it would be a very, very bad thing. And pink. Very very bad and pink. With ruffles.

3)Will Takki & Tsubasa be drafted to the 3ed season of Queer As Folk?

I thought Gackt. Wait, no, that's "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" I'm thinking of. Nevermind.

4)Will SMAPple become the official drink of Osaka?

You know, I would drink that. No, seriously. Except that I'm sort of afraid of what it would TASTE like. Maybe this is a question better left un-pondered.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the answers to the questions I know have plagued us all for so long.

Brings a sweet sense of relief, doesn’t it? Sort of like Pepto-Bismol.