10/8/03
This article by Writer

Having been to Japan twice now for reasons I cannot at this time disclose (okay, I had to set up a deal with some Yakuza, don’t tell anyone or I’m dead), I’ve had the opportunity to witness first-hand the literal explosion of bands on the music scene. And let me tell you, is it ever messy when bands explode. Intestines and scraps of vinyl everywhere.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about.

No, today I’m addressing the subject of band names.

Now, American band names can be a tad… strange as it is. I think it’s a requirement when you form a band; the name must have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with your music. The more incongruent the name, the better. And all bands named after disgusting bodily functions get 10+ points.

Then we come to Japanese bands.

Now, the Japanese apparently LOVE to name their bands with English, French, or German words, or some amalgamation of all three. Dir en grey, I’m looking at you, here.

Some names, however, just take the big ol’ double-frosted, gooey-centered Cake of Outrageousness. So, for your entertainment, I have devised this list of top ten Japanese Band Names, with 10 being “humorous” and the number one name being “totally mind-boggling”. Since this is only my opinion, you must of course concede that I am right, because yes, the sun does shine out of my ass.

10. Buck-Tick (Come on, can you even say that with a straight face?)

9. Gackt Job (Gackt’s backup band; did he mean for it to sound like a shortened way to say “I gave Gackt a blowjob”?)

8. Psycho le Cemu (Wha?)

7. Moi dix Mois (My French is rusty, but I still don’t think this makes any sense whatsoever. Way to go, Mana.)

6. Shaka Labbits (Never heard their music; with a name like that, I’m not sure I want to.)

5. Orivia (The Engrish spelling just cracks me up, okay?)

4. Sex Machineguns (The important things in life?)

3. Sugizo and the Spank Your Juice (…There is nothing I can add to this. Sugi, you freak.)

2. Sons of all Pussys (And their name is often abbreviated “S.O.A.P”. This is handy when your grandma asks you what you’re listening to.)

1. Spread Beaver (hide’s band when he went solo.)

So, as you can see, it’s easy to name your J-rock band. Sort of like the way you figure out your porn star name by using the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on, to get a great J-rock band name, simply combine a word you’d never say in the presence of your mother with another word that is totally unrelated. Or French. Or, if that’s too much of a challenge, you can just kidnap an infant and listen to it babble and/or pass gas. (Note: if you already have an infant handy, you don’t have to kidnap one.)

Let’s try it! Here are some of my humble offerings:

-Asscrack Lamp

-Fuckhole In The Recycle Bin

-BRRRRRAP

-Goat de la Morte

-Gooobagah!

Feel free to send in YOUR Japanese band name suggestions! Funniest suggestion wins absolutely nothing! (But I might mention you in an article. Come on, be an attention whore!) You KNOW you want to.