“Look here, pussy, this is for your own damned good.” Kyo was trying, vainly, to hold the squirming creature down long enough to strap something around his neck. Unfortunately, Kyo hadn’t counted on him being quite so… tall. And strong.

“Dammit!” Trying to hold onto him was like trying to carry a bag of jello. He managed to ooze out of his grasp every time.

“Alright, kitty-cat, one more time.” The thing watched him warily. “This is a collar. It’s not going to hurt you. The microchip embedded inside contains a program-spell that will help you assimilate to human thought faster. And if you don’t put it on you are going to FUCKING DIE, because I am going to FUCKING KILL YOU.”

The not-cat flattened himself against the wall and hissed.

Kyo resisted the urge to throw the creature over the balcony and go find a more cooperative animal, like maybe a turtle. He rubbed his forehead wearily.

“Okay, one more time…”

There was a metal clang as someone pounded on his front door.

Cursing loudly, Kyo backed out of the experiment room and shut the door behind him. He stomped up the open metal staircase and paused at the Identi-Com.

“Computer, identify visitor,” he said.

UNABLE TO CONFIRM, the display said.

“Dammit…” Kyo pounded on it a few times. “Work, you ancient piece of crap!”

STOP ABUSING ME, the display said.

“Abuse? I’ll show you abuse. You want me to get the pliers?”

YOU’RE NOT THE MAN I MARRIED, the display said.

“Just tell me who’s on the other side of the goddamned door!”

PROCESSING REQUEST…..CONFIRMATION: DESIGNATE TOSHIYA.

“There, was that so hard?”

YOU’RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.

Kyo sighed and heaved open the door.

Toshiya brushed past, expression irritated. “What took you so long?”

“The door-computer is on the fritz again,” Kyo said, pushing with his shoulder to get the door closed. “It still seems to think it’s my wife.”

Toshiya snickered. “Maybe you should take it to couples counseling.”

“Go to hell.” Kyo sauntered back down the stairs to the main room of his apartment, and Toshiya followed. Most of the floor space was taken up by Kyo’s worktable, which was piled to overflowing with strange-looking beakers with tubes connecting them, bits of wire, scattered notes, dog-eared books, pieces of crystal, various tools, and (to Toshiya’s disgust) half-eaten instant meals in various stages of decay.

On the other side of the room, an ancient computer and a tiny fridge (which held both Kyo’s food and sometimes Kyo’s experiments, or, worse, pieces of Kyo’s experiments) vied with a ratty couch for domination. The couch had memories of red velvet upholstery. Kyo had rescued it from one of the dumps, and he liked to say that the numerous unidentifiable stains and cigarette burns gave it “personality”.

Toshiya wrinkled his nose. “Blech. Remind me again, why do I come here?”

Kyo shrugged, then went to rummage in the fridge. “Beats me. I was thinking of charging you rent soon, though. Was there something you wanted, or did your incredible lust for my body draw you back?”

“Don’t be a fuckhead,” Toshiya said, even as he enjoyed the sight of Kyo’s tight little ass as the man bent over to look in the fridge. “I came back to warn you, so you could at least pretend to be my friend for a minute.”

Kyo turned around, eyebrows raised in surprise. “Warn me? Of what?”

Toshiya moved over to the couch and settled on the cleanest-looking part, which still wasn’t very. He tried not to imagine what sort of filth could possibly turn patches of red velvet green. “There’s a detective-type going around showing your picture to people and asking questions.” Kyo didn’t look impressed, so he added, “There’s a reward.”

Kyo looked vaguely curious. “How much?”

Toshiya told him.

“That’s it?” Kyo looked outraged. “I’m not even worth five digits?”

“Oops, did I add a zero to the end? Sorry.”

“I’m not even worth four digits?!”

“Look, this isn’t about the damn reward! What if this guy works for the Council? You know the punishment for using illegal magic, Kyo!”

“The Council is full of shit,” Kyo growled. “Bunch of megalomaniacal mind-controlling bastards. They wouldn’t know true magic if it came up and sucked their—“

Suddenly, an ear-splitting yowl echoed off the metal walls.

Kyo cursed. “Fuck, why didn’t I use something quieter? But nooo, I had to use a cat. ‘Oh, it’ll be cute and little and easy to control’, I thought. The fucking thing bit me, you know that?”

Toshiya had gone over to the experiment-room door and was looking through the little observation window. “Oh, look at that poor thing. Have you even fed it yet?”

“Didn’t you hear me? It’s evil. E-V-I-L. It bit me.”

“It’s probably scared. First you turn it into a person, then you subject it to your scary face.”

“Har-dee-har, Totchi. Hey, what are you doing in my fridge?”

Toshiya had pushed Kyo aside and was rummaging through endless stacks of Tupperware with dubious labels like “Experiment 10/1 [do not remove]” and “fast-growing; keep out of light”. “Gods above and below, Kyo, can’t you have a normal fridge? You know, with milk, maybe a package of hot dogs, some leftover Chinese food in the back…”

“There’s milk behind the thing labeled ‘BIOHAZARD’,” Kyo said, flopping down on the couch.

Toshiya pulled out the narrow plastic container that said ‘MILK’. He inspected it carefully. “You’re not growing anything in here, are you?”

“Probably not.”

That wasn’t encouraging. Toshiya held it out to him. “I want to see you drink some, first. If you turn green and die, I’ll know it was bad.”

“Oh, gee, thanks.” Kyo snatched at the offered container and took a long swig right out of it. Toshiya winced in disgust as Kyo wiped his mouth on his sleeve and handed it back. “There, happy?” He spread his arms wide. “No flesh-eating bacteria or anything.”

“Okay, okay. Do you have a bowl?”

“A bowl? Don’t tell me you’re craving Cap’n Crunch, Totchi, ‘cause I’m fresh out.”

“Not for me, idiot. For the, uh, cat.”

Kyo rolled his eyes and went over to sift through the things on his desk. “Fine, but if you come back missing any fingers, don’t whine to me.”

A reasonably clean bowl was found under a stack of research papers. Toshiya motioned for Kyo to open the door for him.

“Here, kitty kitty…”

From the corner there came a wary growl.

Toshiya made shushing noises. “I know that brute has been mean to you—“ Kyo, looking through the observation window, flipped him off –“but I’m just giving you some milk here. See? Nice milk.” Toshiya set the bowl down in the middle of the floor and poured it half-full of milk, all the while trying not to think about how weird it was to be saying such things to what at least looked like a person. A rather good-looking person. A rather good-looking, naked person.

Actually, now that he thought about it, this wasn’t any weirder than any of the things he normally did while working.

He backed away from the bowl until he was standing by the door.

The not-cat looked at him. It looked at the bowl. It looked at him. It looked at the bowl. Toshiya. Bowl. Toshiya.

Toshiya did his best to look harmless.

Finally, hunger won over caution, and the creature moved cautiously over to the bowl, sniffed it, and then promptly began to lap the milk up.

If that isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen… he thought to himself. Unable to help himself, he inched closer. The not-cat peered up at him warily, but didn’t stop eating. Finally, Toshiya was close enough to touch him. The not-cat gave a warning growl.

Let’s see if I can’t fix that attitude a bit. Concentrating on the place inside himself where whatever it was that held magic resided, Toshiya called forth his power, just the barest touch.

The not-cat looked up, eyes gone wide and curious. Milk dripped down his chin.

Toshiya gave him his most winning smile and held out his hand. “Here, now. Come here.”

For a moment, nothing happened. Then the magic took hold, and the not-cat butted his head against Toshiya’s hand.

Toshiya grinned triumphantly and ran fingers through the creature’s baby-soft hair.

“You just have no people skills,” Toshiya was saying as he ran soothing hands over the not-cat’s back. The thing had curled up in a ball and now had its head on Toshiya’s lap, it’s eyes narrowed with contentment.

“It’s not a person,” Kyo said, sounding grumpy. He was leaning against the door, arms crossed, face set in a scowl. Well, more of a scowl than usual, anyway.

“You have no animal skills, either,” Toshiya sniffed.

Kyo rolled his eyes. “Fine, if you’re so damn good, then see if you can get this on him.” He tossed the collar to Toshiya, who caught it adroitly. Toshiya peered at it.

“What’s this for?” He raised one eyebrow. “You getting kinky in your old age, Kyo?”

“Idiot! It’s part of the experiment. Put it on him and you’ll see.”

Shrugging, Toshiya easily fastened the thing around the not-cat’s neck.

Kyo ground his teeth. “Bastard,” he muttered under his breath.

“Okay, now what’s—Cripes!” Toshiya exclaimed in surprise as the not-cat suddenly let out a shriek and clutched at its head. “Kyo, what did you do to him?”

“Hang on, it’s trying to absorb a lot of new info right now. I made the program-spell pretty extensive.”

The not-cat was screaming like a banshee, and the sound of it echoed off the metal walls. Toshiya was thankful for the soundproofing spell-programs that kept the neighbors from hearing.

Then, abruptly, the screaming stopped. The thing went very still, and though it still clutched at its head, when it opened its eyes, they were bright and free of pain.

And then, in a very clear voice he whispered, “What’s happening to me?”

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