But I haven't had a drop tonight,
Honest! I sat here, logged into work from home, testing computer
network stuff and the phone rang. It was my buddy, telling me about this guy he knows who is
selling a Lebel rifle and accoutrements. I was mighty tempted, but I
still had not made my January mortgage payment, and needed to install a
doggie door for my new friend, Einstein the WunderPup (tm). So, I hung up the phone and continued to work...
Suddenly, I caught a small flash out of the corner of my eye.
The smell of
cordite enveloped me. I caught a movement and grabbed my digital camera in
one hand, my new MAC M1935S pistol in the other. Futile, I know, not having
any .32 French Longue ordinance, but I was taken by surprise and had to
improvise.
I turned, and there HE was. I had heard the tales of Crufflestopheles, but
nothing had prepared me for this.
He stood all of 12" tall. But his stature belied his true power. He spoke,
and I shuddered to my core.
He sounded a bit like Joe Pesci, actually.
"Hey there good lookin' I heard youse got an opportunity to buy one of
deze..." another flash of smoke and cordite, and suddenly, he was wearing
an Adrian helmet, grasping a perfectly scaled Lebel rifle and matching
bayonet.
At this point, Einstein the WunderPup's curiousity was piqued enough that
be came into the room and began to sniff at Crufflestopheles butt. A quick
flick of that tiny bayonet into Einstein's nose was enough to discourage
him as he left the room yelping.
"Anyways... I was tinkin'... You could probably call up dat mortgage company
and plead poverties. They could give yoose a deferment thingie. I heard de
can doo dat. And that food you eat, Geeze! Pure extravagance... Ramen Noodles, my
friend." He proffered the Lebel to me, saying "Here... Try it on for
size."
Now mind you, I'm not so naive that I would touch anything offered to me by a demon,
no matter how small he is, even if I thought I could kick his ass. I
wasn't about to enter some Faustian bargain with him. So while I still had
the presence of mind to do so, I continued to snap photos of him. (Pardon the
poor quality, but how would your focus be in the face of a supernatural
being?)
He began to pour it on as I photographed him. "Youse... I can get youse some
boxer ammo, Yup! And I think I know where a sling is. now it ain't cheap,
but I seen in dat Discovery Channel where dis guy ate bugs for a month to
stay alive, an bugs is a lot cheaper than Ramen! And dies? Have I got some
dies for youse!..."
To be honest, I almost gave in. I almost grabbed the Lebel rifle. I decided
to get one more close up photo before I did. Hey, you guys wouldn't
believe any of this if I didnt have photos, right?
"Quit flashing dat ting! Cripes, Can't see a ting..." I had inadvertently
blinded him with the flash of my camera. He staggered perilously close to
the table edge. His clawed arms began windmilling as he attempted to keep
his balance. He crashed to the floor, dropping the bayonet as he landed.
Einstein must have been watching from the hallway, since he took the opportunity to rush Crufflestopheles now that he was unarmed.
(There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Mostly Einstein's.)
Before my camera ran out of RAM I was able to grab a few photos as Einstein
crushed Crufflestopheles mortal shell in his puppy jaws. His last words (in
this particular mortal incarnation) were "Help me... I know where I can get youse
a crate full of .32 French Longue ...AAAAGGhhhhh...."
Phew! That was too close for me.
Email Me!
01/20/06 19:24
