In case you can't tell after reading my LotR fics in Inklings, I'm a supporter of Legolas and Gimli being best friends, not lovers. This little piece here shows just how much I'm against L/G slash.... Not because I'm against homosexuals, mind you, I just honestly don't believe that was the way Tolkien wanted to portray their relationship.

Once again this was written for fun: you can believe what you believe about the elf and dwarf... these are just my very opinionated opinions.^^ Oh, and Legolas, Gimli, Eonwe, and Glorfindel belong to Tolkien, not me.^^ Just thought I'd mention what all of you already know. :D

Eonwe: Oh, you’ll see soon enough. Now, I bet that after reading this "choice" piece, both of you will be sick. Incredibly sick. [He pulls out a Palantir.] The good Aragorn lent me this.
Legolas and Gimli (muttering): Traitor.
Glorfindel (outside): Oh this is rich!! I can’t get over it. . .that was hysterical. . . [More cheery laughter can be heard. Eonwe smiles again.]
Eonwe: Enjoy! [Vanishes. Legolas and Gimli look at each other, shrug, and sit down to read from the Palantir.]

The Rose, the Thorn, the Blood, and the Moon

AKA: The Worse Tolkien fanfic ever to be written.

Legolas: The worse Tolkien. . . uh oh.
Gimli: Is there a relationship between those 4 things that I somehow missed?
Legolas: I’m getting the sinking feeling that Eonwe’s going to win this bet by a lot.

by Halrloprillalar

Legolas: Halrloprialoo blub blub bleh?
Gimli: Wha--?

The war was over and they rode away.

Legolas: They rode so far away. . . .
Gimli: To infinity and beyond!!

Having seen many things, Legolas and Gimli Gloin's son

Legolas: So I didn’t travel with Gimli, I traveled with the son of a guy named Gimli Gloin.

took leave of their companions and went off together, the two upon one horse,

Gimli: We stole Arod?!

to such adventures as were fated to them.

Many miles later, they sat together, as the coals of their fire lay dying

[Gimli and Legolas hum the Funeral March.]

Legolas: They. . .they were good coals. . . . No other coals ever brightened my day as much as they did! Boo hoo!
Gimli: May they rest in peace, free from the suffering of coals still upon this earth.

and the flower of Telperion

Gimli: What the heck is this flower of Telperion??
Legolas: It’s the moon, Gimli, made from the tree of Valinor long ago.
Gimli: Then say "the moon" for us younger people!!

shone silver down upon them, and did not speak into the silence of the night.

Legolas: Explaining, therefore, why the night was so silent.
Gimli: I’m just a little curious, but what happened to our horse?? I mean, horses make noise. It’s inevitable.

After a time, Legolas reached into his pack and drew forth something wrapped in silk.

Gimli: You carried silk around during the War of the Ring? What did you do, blow your nose in it??

He took the cloth away and it was a rose,

Legolas: Wow, I’m a magician and I didn’t know it! Roses from silk too!

dew-kissed and fragrant in the evening air.

Gimli: You are not looking at a plant expert. . .
Legolas (snickers): Somebody can’t tell the difference between an onion and a parsley.
Gimli: But doesn’t dew form in the morning?
Legolas: Simple, Gimli. I just put some clear drops of glue on the rose, and when it solidified, it looked like water!
Gimli: Oh, and by the way: I can too tell the difference between an onion and a parsley! Onions are green!!

"For you," he said and handed it to Gimli.

Legolas: As opposed to handing it to the invisible person sitting next to us.

"It is a customary gift of my people between two friends such as we are."

Gimli: You Elves give your best friends roses? Don’t roses symbolize love or something?
Legolas: I haven’t any idea what this author is trying to get at. . . and I don’t want to know. Don’t say anything.

"It is a marvel," Gimli said

Legolas (Gimli): Hey! I didn’t know roses have thorns!
Gimli: Roses have thorns?

[Legolas smacks his forehead.]

and turned it between his fingers. "How came you by this here?

Legolas: I bought it at the local Middle-rite store, why do you ask?

Such a thing might grow in the gardens of Gondor

Gimli: There are roses in Gondor?? I didn’t think those guys had a lot of leisure time to plant flowers!

or else in the blessed wood of Lothlorien, but not upon these lands." For it was fresh and sweet,

Legolas: Gimli, my friend, roses are not for eating.

as though new-plucked.

"From Gondor indeed, friend Gimli, and set about with charms so that it will not fade for many months.

Gimli: If you’re really my friend, you’d put the charms on me and not on the stupid rose. Do I look like the sort of person who’d appreciate a rose? I mean, watch the rose die after I do!
Legolas: Don’t look at me! I’m not the guy who thought of this!

I have carried it for days; such a gift is between us alone."

Legolas: Is this ‘me’ in the story hinting something?

Gimli's heart was touched and and he took Legolas by the hand.

Gimli: And pulled a surprise game of Mercy just so he could show Legolas how strong Dwarves really are.
Legolas: Remind me not to give you my hand before you twist it right off my wrist.

"There is a custom of my people too when friends are pledged as true as you and I. We ought to have a knife of stone that never saw the light of day, but here this will suffice." And he took the rose and drove one thorn deep into his comrade's thumb,

Legolas: I give you a gift and you hurt me?? Some friend you are!

then likewise into his own.

Gimli: A little masochistic, no?

He pressed them together where the blood ran down so that it mingled,

Legolas: Oh, so we’re going to be blood-brothers? That’s not too bad, considering it could be much worse.

Dwarf and Elf, in love

Legolas and Gimli: WWWHHHAAATTTT????
Legolas: Oh. SWEET. ELBERETH!!
Gimli: Who said it could be much worse??! Who?? [The two are hyperventilating and need to rest for ten minutes before finally reading the story again.]

and duty. "Now we are one, Legolas, bound by heart's blood."

Legolas: But since it came from our thumbs, wouldn’t it be more accurate to say "thumbs’ blood"?

A smile sat brilliant upon Legolas' face. "One in truth, one in deed. But my gifts to you are not yet done. I have another token, such as fair friends exchange.

Gimli (frantic): In that case this couldn’t be me and you. I’m the last person you’d call fair!

But you must do as I do, in order to receive it." And he put off his tunic and stood bare-chested to the cool night breeze,

Gimli: I didn’t know you were an Elven stripper, Legolas. Is that what you do for a living?
Legolas: No, actually I kill obnoxious Dwarves. Do you know any?

a single jewel gleaming at his breast.

Legolas: I have a freakin’ stone stuck on my chest?? What the heck is going on??

"Where you lead, I follow," Gimli said.

Gimli: Like a little doggie! Aw. . . .
Legolas: You just insulted yourself, my friend.

He stripped to the waist and stood to face his friend.

Gimli: I’m trying to figure out if I can even strip to the waist with these sort of clothes on.

Legolas lifted the silver chain from round his neck

Legolas: Ah! So that gem was connected to the silver chain! Well why didn’t you tell me it was a necklace??

and placed it over Gimli's, setting the pendant on his chest. "I thank you," Gimli said, "and more I have for you as well, in the rites of concord."

So Gimli took dust of the earth and mixed it with wine.

Gimli: There goes that bottle of wine. . . .
Legolas: Hey! I was going to drink that!

He daubed a mark on Legolas' brow and painted others on his chest and arms, then bade the Elf do likewise to him.

Legolas: A whole new form of Middle-earth entertainment. Let’s draw on each other!!

So decorated, they embraced a while, then Legolas drew back.

Legolas (as himself): Whew, you smell!
Gimli: I’ll have you know, I bathe!
Legolas: In the story, you apparently didn’t.

"In the ministries of love,

Gimli and Legolas: Stop saying that word!

I have not yet finished. For close as we are, we may yet be closer. We must share bond-food of the forest folk." And he placed into his mouth a wafer and bid Gimli take half from his lips.

Legolas: Are these lembas?
Gimli: I’m never eating lembas again!! I didn’t know what it meant to eat them! Honestly!!

Gimli took his piece and swallowed it and if it was more sweet than was to his liking, no one could know that from his face.

Legolas: Oh by Elbereth, why can’t you be done??!

"Nor am I done, Legolas,

Gimli: This ‘me’ in the story is obviously some sort of sadist.
Legolas: Despite being a masochist earlier on. . . .
Gimli: I make myself sick.

for you must join me in the black draught, brewed deep underground and aged in darkness for a score of years,

Legolas: I wonder what this is? Flat root beer?

as is the practice of loving friends." Gimli took a long pull from his leathern bottle

Gimli: So I didn’t drink anything, it seems.

and passed it to Legolas. The smell caused the Elf to pale, but he drank and swallowed bravely.

Legolas: Okay, you could’ve poisoned me with that and I wouldn’t have known until I was in my death throes. What a dork!

"Now, Gimli, we must fashion crowns of leaves for each other,

Gimli: How many stupid rituals have we been forced to go through already?? Crowns of stupid leaves? We’re not a bunch of fairies, okay?
Legolas: Actually, I’ve been keeping count. We have holes in our thumbs, we’re half naked, we have weird marks all over our bodies, we might have been potentially poisoned, and now we’re going to wear pointless crowns.
Gimli: So the final verdict is: we look like two complete idiots. Okay.

in the manner of the Silvan folk."

Legolas: Except neither of us are Silvan, so why are we doing this?

A small bush to hand lost its coverings

Gimli: We tore a bush to pieces to make stupid hats?!
Legolas: I feel the bush’s pain. . . .
Gimli (stares): Did I ever say Elves were weird? No? Well, I’ll say it now, "You people are weird!"

and they began to weave them together. Gimli was game, but he had not the knack and soon was swearing under his breath.

Gimli: Swearing? Like what I’m doing after reading this load of crock?

Legolas also fumbled a little, for a wonder,

Legolas: Not a wonder at all actually, because I have no idea how to stick a bunch of random leaves together without glue.

though he finished both crowns in the end. They placed them on each other's brows and spoke solemn words.

Legolas and Gimli: We hereby solemnly swear that if ever we should come upon the author of this misinformed piece of work, we shall commit homicide.

There was silence for a moment. "And another draught, Legolas. As is habitual." Gimli handed him the the bottle. The Elf took a sip, the Dwarf a great swallow.

Legolas: I took a drink from it, but you pulled out a big bird?

"What be the next Elf custom?"

"It is...mmm...it is to sing a song together, friend Dwarf. Know you the song of Nimrodel?"

"I know it not."

"The song of Feanor and the Silmarils?"

Gimli: "Feanor and the Silmarils"? The Middle-earth hip hop band! Releasing their soon- to-be hit album, "Shiny Gems" toward the end of the First Age.
Legolas: I should never have told you that story. . . .

"No."

"The Lay of Lethian?"

Legolas: Unfortunately, I don’t know the Lay of "Lethian" either. If it’s Luthien, I might be able to help.

"No."

"Know you *any* song?"

Legolas: Um, yeah. Remember that long chant he honored us with in Moria? Where were you then?
Gimli: My father sang well and often. I most definitely know songs!

"I know that song of Orcs and oak trees that Merry and Pippin used to sing."

Legolas: She just made Dwarves out to be battle-lusty, stupid, and completely uncultured.
Gimli: I swear, you and I should file a lawsuit for libel. We really should.

So they joined their voices in the chorus:

Thirty dead Orcs
Hanging up in an oak tree
Strung up by their ankles
With the blood dripping down

[Despite themselves, Legolas and Gimli are rolling around on the ground, laughing hysterically.]

Legolas: Ah. . .how romantic!! [Bursts out laughing again.]
Gimli: The stupid song doesn’t even rhyme!
Legolas: But seriously, somehow I don’t picture our good-natured, food-loving, pipe-smoking Hobbits to be these bloodthirsty freaks. You?

"Another drink, friend Legolas!"

"No, dear Gimli, I cannot. I have...mmm...sworn an oath against strong drink."

[Gimli starts to laugh again.]

Gimli: Oh I can’t help it! I just can’t get over how the last time you came, you nearly finished an entire barrel of my best wine in two days!
Legolas: Hey, it was good, okay?
Gimli: Gosh, don’t your folk ever get drunk??

"Then you must share a pipe with me, dear friend, for it is the custom of Dwarfs between two that love each other." Gimli lit up

Legolas: Now I see why you Dwarves never worry in caves. How convenient would that be, a glow-in-the-dark Gimli? Wow. We’ll never need lanterns again!

and the scent of pipeweed wafted through the air.

Legolas drew on the pipe. He coughed and handed it back, dizzy and reeling. "This puts me in mind of another practice of the Elves of MIrkwood,

Gimli: M-Irkwood? Yes, that forest is quite annoying, especially with all those stupid customs its people have.
Legolas: Well, excuse us!

between two who have sworn themselves." He fell to his knees. "And of something I would rather have inside my mouth than that pipe."

Legolas: What? What?? Food? Water? Wine? What are you talking about?
Gimli: Um. . .I don’t think you want to know.

After a space, Gimli shuddered

Gimli: Somehow I don’t think it’s because of the horribleness of the story. But what in the world. . .?

and took his hands from Legolas' hair.

Legolas: Waita minute. I’m confused here. How did you get tall enough to touch my hair?
Gimli: Maybe because you weren’t standing? Hey. . .doesn’t that mean. . .?

The Elf rose, and kissed him. Gimli turned his head and spat.

[Long, horrible silence between the Elf and Dwarf.]

Legolas (shuddering): Did. . .did that just. . .did I just. . .do. . . Did I just do what I thought. . . to you. . . .
Gimli (looking completely ill): Yes. Yes you did. Now don’t talk about it. Don’t even. . . Hey, where’re you going? [Sounds of vomiting can be heard from behind the couch Legolas ran to.] By Aule, now I’m sick! [Runs behind another big couch and proceeds to puke his brains out. They both emerge moments later, looking emotionally scarred.]
Legolas: Oh that was sick! I’m sorry, but I can think of better uses for my mouth than. . . than that. . . .
Gimli: Don’t even start. I like my women female and bearded.
Legolas: Me with you.
Gimli: Beard included?
Legolas: Oh shut up.

A frown creased Legolas' fair brow. "It is the custom of my people, Gimli, to share the humours of love."

Legolas: Oh sweet Elbereth! You call that the humours of LOVE??
Gimli: It’s a good custom, actually, to share the funny things of love. But I doubt that’s what this sick person had in mind.
Legolas: NO, really? Why this doubt??

"And it is the custom of my people not to swallow.

Gimli: So you’re implying that Dwarves are bulimic?
Legolas: Is that so now? Hmm. . .I really wonder how you still manage to keep all that weight on.

But, stay, friend, for I would share more with you.

Gimli: No! No more sharing! Be selfish! Be a greedy little brat, please!!

An Elf is happy in the open air,

Legolas: Well, gee, if you’re not in the open air, you’d sorta suffocate, so I don’t think Elves are alone in this preference.

to play a tune upon his flute.

Legolas: Upon my flute?? Upon my flute??! Do you see any Elves in LotR playing flutes?! I hardly call that our representative instrument!

But we Dwarves delve deeply into dark places,

Gimli: Yup, we Dwarves know lots and lots about places like Minas Morgul, home of the Dark Lord.

masters of the caves below."

Legolas would not say his comrade nay

Gimli: Legolas, you weakling! Say nay and the story would be over!

and so Gimli took what was needful from his pack

Legolas: What would that be, I wonder?
Gimli: You sure you want to know?
Legolas (pause): Never mind. I retract my statement. Forget I ever said that. In fact, I really don’t need to. . .

and they moved together

Legolas (hysterical): ARGH!! I said I don’t need to know!! Why are you telling me this!?
Gimli: I’m suing. I’m so suing this Hallaphilo-whatever the heck her name is!
Legolas (crying): You have no idea what a horrible image that brings to mind. . . Just those 4 words. . . .
Gimli: I’m suing?
Legolas: NO, you vertically challenged mortal! I’m not repeating that foul language!
Gimli: No kidding, Legolas. You can’t even curse right.

beneath the light of Isil and beneath the stars. In his ardour, Legolas cried out, "Baruk Khazad! Khazad aimenu!"

Legolas: Good heavens, Gimli. Is that what you Dwarves mean when you use this war cry?
Gimli: Hey, you’re the one misapplying it, not me! I’m innocent here!
Legolas: "The axes of the Dwarves are upon you"? Man, I’ll never be able to hear that without laughing now.
Gimli: I think I’ll go throw up again. It’s very appropriate right now.

and so sent Gimli laughing into his bliss.

[And off to the side, Gimli is puking into his misery. Legolas refuses to read until the Dwarf comes back, so there’s a much-needed, momentary pause. Are you readers as traumatized as they are right about now? I know I am. . . .]

After, they lay together, unsleeping until Earendil Halfelven sailed his ship into the heavens.

Gimli: There’s that Earendil, going sailing again!
Legolas: I don’t think Elrond’s gonna be very happy to have his father mentioned in a story like this. . . .
Gimli: Actually, I feel sorry for Earendil. He’s the one who has to watch this!
Legolas: That’s it. Elrond will have a fit.

Idly, Legolas stroked Gimli's chest.

Legolas: It could be just me, but I really can’t call stroking your chest an "idle" action.
Gimli: You touch me, and I’ll be stroking you with my ax.
Legolas: Um, ew.
Gimli: Not that kind of ax!!!!

"I had always thought the axes of the Dwarves to be nothing but compensation for inadequacy, but I now bear witness that they are nothing but completely fair representation.

Gimli: Huh? Words in Westron, please? You’ve lost me.
Legolas: Er. . .never mind, you don’t want that translated, because I have a feeling you’ll kill me if you find out what that says.
Gimli: Come on! Tell me!
Legolas: Let’s just say this author finds something similar between Dwarven axes and Dwarven anatomies.

Gimli, my dear companion, your beard must be shaven.

Gimli: Why do you think there’s no barbers among Dwarves? Because we don’t shave!! Not a hard concept! I swear, if any Elf tries to tell me to shave, I’d shave him.
Legolas: You won’t find much to shave, Gimli.
Gimli: Nothing in the way of facial hair, of course, but other body parts, like a big mouth, will suffice.

It is more scratchy than a briar bush."

Legolas: Somehow I cannot picture a clean-shaven Gimli. Ew. The thought is scary. . .

Gimli grunted but did not make an answer.

Gimli: Well what the heck do you want me to say? "Gee, Legolas, I do believe you’re right! From now on I’ll be sure to become a non-hairy Dwarf, just for you!" [Smiles in a sickeningly sweet fashion.]

Instead, reaching out, he found the rose and ran its soft petals down the Elf's smooth cheek.

Legolas: Well, I was hoping you’d use the thorns to poke holes in the author’s face. You’re wasting the rose on me, really.

"Legolas, my heart,

Legolas: So technically, if I got killed, you’d go with me, right?
Gimli: Ah! It’s all falling together now! Remember earlier how the ‘me’ in this story said, "Where you lead, I follow"? Epiphany is wonderful. . . but don’t expect me to like this dumb thing now.

is it the custom of your people to cook breakfast on the morning after?"

Gimli: Can I just say "inane" right here?
Legolas: Let’s see, we’ve just shared our. . .ahem. . .love for each other. What do you want to eat for breakfast?

F I N I S

Glossary:
Flower of Telperion, Isil -- the moon.
Baruk Khazad! Khazad aimenu! -- Dwarvish battle-cry: Axes of the Dwarves! The Dwarves are upon you!

Gimli: Aw, how nice! They translated it for us!
Legolas: What in Elbereth’s name does Khazad-dum mean anyway? "Dwarves-something or other," right?
Gimli: I’m not telling. And why are you talking about Moria?
Legolas: To get my mind off this stupid war cry.

Earendil Halfelven -- the morning and evening star –

Gimli: Funny how when I look at the morning star, I never see Earendil Halfelven. I just see this bright dot.
Legolas: You’re so unpoetic.

Earendil, an Elf set to sail his ship across the sky with a Silmaril bound to his brow.

Legolas: Hello, stupid author! Earendil is not an Elf! You even said he was Halfelven before! You don’t use Elves and Halfelven interchangeably because they’re not the same thing, darn it!!
Gimli: You know, it says he’s "set to sail". Does that mean he’s wound up like a clock and released whenever the Valar want him to move? That’s interesting: the wind-up Earendil.

[At that moment, Eonwe appears!]

Eonwe: Well? I’d say I won that round.
Gimli: Yes, yes, whatever you want.
Legolas: Just don’t make us read things like that again!
Eonwe: But you know, I was just curious: What is going on between the two of you anyway?
Legolas and Gimli: ARRGGHHH!!! [Run out of the chamber of Eonwe frantically.]
Eonwe (stares): Sheesh. You ask some people a simple question, and they. . . . [Shakes his head, marvelling at the strangeness of Elves and Dwarves.] Was it really that bad? [Happens to look over the two big couches used earlier. Face turns interesting colors.] Arrrrggghhhh!!! Legolas! Gimli! Get back here! Clean up this disgusting mess!!!