musings 1 - endless musings

***

how brutally well the universe
works to be beautiful,
how we metabolize loss
as fast as we have to.

***

"Duo, I have another favor to ask you."

"What's the matter, huh? You're suddenly asking me all these favors."

Maybe now he'll finally admit it. He has a big problem with owing people things. It's like he can't stand to be indebted to anyone and if he is he's got to pay it quickly.

"Hit me, now."

"What? Have you gone crazy?" How many times have I wanted to do that, for one reason or another?

"Hurry up."

"Well, you asked for it, I'll give you my best punch. Why, why, why in the..."

"For your own good. That's one for one. He's yours now."

"Right."

He gave me away. That bastard gave me away. Like I am, was his property or something. I do not belong to anyone. I am not his Gundam. I am not something he can treat like that. He can not press a button and destroy me. Like he didn't care for me at all.

"He did, Duo."

Did what? Oh, I forgot, Trowa is the king of ambiguous statements. And then Heero left me to worse company than the fanatic Zechs Marquise. Damn him! I'll break his heart as soon as I see him again.

"He had no other choice and you know that. Let him go for a while, Duo, and he'll come back to you. You and I both know that."

"He left me all alone, Trowa."

"He can only do what he feels he should do. 'The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions.' Why would he have stayed with you for so long if he did not feel it necessary to do so."

"Yeah, I guess you are right."

But I don't care.

It still hurts, my stomach still feels like he's punched me in it. I cannot help but double over sometimes. I think he broke a rib in me or something.

No, I know him better than that. He would not have broken my body for the life of him if he had any choice.

But maybe he wanted to make me leave him.

Time to get out of here. If I'm stuck here I won't be able to break Heero, will I? On to the ship.

"There is nothing wrong with helping out a friend, now is there."

Trowa, I really mean absolutely nothing to you, do I?

His eyes are wild. I can believe Quatre now when he says that. Trowa is a very solemn person. I can understand that, and I don't begrudge him that, but I feel for Quatre. Too much like Heero when it comes down to it, I guess.

I had to hit you, Duo, Maxwell my love. I cannot help but regret it. I love you with all of my heart, butnow is not the time to dwell on such things, and I must block you from my mind. I must fight for you and the world, I only hope that you know it is not for Relina that I fight.

When all this is over, I know you will be angry with me, hate me, but I will not let you stay that way. I will have strayed from you for a time, I have left your side but I will not stay away from you for long.

I will not stay away forever.

I swear it.

Only don't leave me, love.

Don't forsake me. I couldn't stand that.

I'm fighting because you tried to make it so I wouldn't. I believe in this, and you tried to make it so that I could not. You tried to make it so I didn't. But I am. This battle is more of what it needs to be than my petty spite. You left me with Trowa. Trowa understood what you wanted and would have left me in that cell until you returned. But I escaped. I left with Trowa and Sally, Heero, so there.

I believe in why I am fighting. I know I do. I have to.

And I am fighting with my comrades, so you can go ahead and feel superior about being the better pilot. I'm alongside Quatre now, so live with it.

Did I ever tell you that he and I know what we think of each other? Yes, we know, and it isn't just friendship so there. If you threaten to kill him because of that... I'll... I'll...

I might really forsake you, ya bastard.

I'm hit, again. This time, death scythe and I are going down.

Are you happy now? You provoked this, you homicidal assasinistic bastard. I don't care if the word doesn't exist you fucker, I love you and you left me here, as though I meant less to you than your fucking Wing Zero.

"I've destroyed Marimea, I will never hurt anyone ever again. I .. I don't have to anymore."

But perhaps I have hurt you, Duo, and for that I am sorry. For that I will find you. And whether you want it or not, I'm going to get you back.

Why the hell is she cradling you?

Have you fallen in love with her, like I joked you about? Are you leaving me for this... I won't finish that sentence, because I've tried so hard to let it go.

You're gone, I guess, so what do I do now?

Do you want me to let you go like I said I would? I didn't even say that you in person you sadistic bastard. Why did you leave me! At least give me that much!

***

those who have touched it our been touched by it
or brushed by something that thevine has brushed
or burning it, have stood where the sly smoke
has touched them - know the meaning of its name.

***

I don't own Gundam Wind the series or Endless Waltz. None of the contained characters are mine, and I am making no profit from this work of fanfiction.

I own my thoughts and this storyline. Spelling corrections are welcome.