musings 2 - hours and sonnets

***

Evenings when the house's
door is fast closed
and the soul's open.

***

I miss you.

For the love of the god of death, I love you.

I mean to say that there is no longing of passion so passionate as my longing.

No poetry can describe my loss, though I express it in words, I miss the like I miss the beating of my heart. Yeah, I know you never heard me talk like that before, but the war is over, and I can be who I am.

The hours pass with the tick of the clock, the sun freezes up the sky and melts down it as I ponder all that has passed between us.

I can't help but feel uncomfortable. I don't think about things like this. I love Heero and that's all I need to know. He pushed me away again tonight. Now I have to know more about what it is I feel and why I think I love him.

Matters of the heart and matters of the head, Duo.

And why is this love and not what I feel with Hilde. It's the same emotion, sort of. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do what I'm doing now... I swore to myself that I wouldn't do this to other people.

Shinigami is not just exterior but interior.

The god of death now works on emotions. But not his own.

They've only seen the nice me. The me that seems to be carefree and happy. All of them see me as the oh-so-lighthearted member of the piloting group, the sorry thing that it is. I think I'll leave Quatre for that job.

I am not a kindheart, weak willed, feebleminded simp who can only babble about things non-important. I am not stupid. I get bad grades because I do not feel like paying attention to what is going on enough to bother.

I'm a teenage guy, I have more important things to think about.

Sex, for one.

Destruction, for two.

Heero, for both of them.

Damn this, I can't rely on thinking about him. If I do then I'll start to worry about him and... and he would kill me if he knew. Or at least as far as I know. And if HE didn't his fucking puppy would.

Looking at you I now I could kill her.

You might destroy me for it. Physically or by leaving me, but perhaps it would be worth it. The world would thank me for ridding it of a menace, but I wouldn't live without the murder afterwards.

Jesus, Yuy, you're suicidal. Or maybe obssessive, or just good at what we do. I wish I could simulate that, somehow. You're teaching me hacking. If I won't go away, you say, you might as well be usefull, it'll cut my ten second in hack in half.

At least I got to be close to you, Heero. I am glad of that, at least.

Close enough to smell your sheen... as we race in on your next god awful important enough to die for mission. I'm close enough to feel the breath on the very fringe of my senses as we type furiously, chasing each other's keystrokes. I've never seen this playful side of you, Yuy. I like it, if that is humanly possible.

I remember all of it. Everything we've done together, like we did it all in the span of an hout and none of it is old enough to forget just yet, and new enough to be fresh in the memory like a fire or one's first kiss.

But just as swiftly as it came, you toss me a gun and continue to hack. Damn I hate all of this fighting, but to protect your precious person I fire the semi-automatic as acurately as I can. You know I'm bad with any degree of automatic gun, but it can't be helped, you say as you set the instructions.

"I'm done."

"Didn't take you long."

"You helped break through the hardest parts."

"When do we start my programming lessons?"

"As soon as we get out of this, alive."

"Of course," I give you my best grin, which some girls have told me is cute, and throw the contents of my left hand, continuing to fire the semi-automatic.

You grab my shoulder and dive with me under the closest counter, continuing to fire. I try my best not to hit you, fucking idiot. One does not grab Shinigami while he is doing what he does, especially not when he doesn't like his weapon.

Why are you protecting me?

Over the laminated surface we take turns blowing away our enemies, who stupidly think they are trapping us in the room. You're too smart for that though, and we dash from table to table in a systematic and supposed retreat, which they all think means we're running like scared rabbits.

You kick the emergency panel in, and I continue to fire as you blast the ventilation duct and tell me to get in. I'll cover you, you say to me, but I shove you in and toss a grenade at our attackers. We're into the duct and you hand me debris to put behind us.

"That was successful."

"Hn."

"So now that I've served my purpose now I get the cold shoulder."

"Thank you."

"What?"

"This way."

So damn detached you were. I remember that too. You couldn't help but crack sometimes, you idiot. I remember those times too, when you thought I wasn't watching you, Mr. I can be stealthy and you can't. Well I can, and one time I caught you at it.

I had been dozing on the bed, waiting for you so we could eat, and you came almost silently into the room, with your damnable sneakers and your skin tight clothing. Yes, the great and mighty Yuy is hearable.

You stood above me, as I lay in the bed, and you watched me for about five minutes. Then you bent over me and were brushing my hair out of my face when I opened my eyes to stare back at you. Man, you looked scared shitless! It was utterly classic. You jumped so far back you were crashing into your bed when I lifted myself up.

"You-you were awake."

"Yeah."

"Y-you saw me..."

"Saw you what, soldier boy?"

"I suppose I should explain."

"No, don't."

I never wanted that. I wanted no explainations. I couldn't stand to have you say you were wondering about how I would look bald or what my parents looked like, so I touched you, to stop you, and you were shuddering. I couldn't believe that. You were shuddering, as though you were angry, but you hadn't hit me, so it could only be... Desire?

"It's not what you think, Duo."

"You have the hots for me!"

Of course I handled it in my usual cool way. How I wanted to break down and tell you how I felt. How I wanted to hug you and hold you and ask you if you'd be mine, but I, instead, bumbled it all out like usual, and you almost pushed me away again. But you didn't because you saw how I was suffering.

"Hn."

You didn't push me away, even though you didn't respond, but I knew what you meant. I threw my arms around you, and you almost, it seemed, blushed at me, but you didn't throw me away.

If I'm not mistaken, that was the first time we spent the night together. No, I know we didn't do anything, but we shared a bed. I talked all night, and sometimes you would respond. I held you in my my arms all night, and drifted off to sleep around two in the morning.

When I woke up your arms were wrapped about me and we were staring at each other, as though we each did not exist, or not as we were. I pinched myself and waited for you to kill me, but you only rolled over top of me to get out of bed. Next thing I knew there was breakfast on the table, and you had cooked it, and we were eating.

I didn't feel I needed to talk anymore.

You aren't anywhere near anymore.

Now I am screaming.

***

I need no gift to make me love thee;
for though my present hope were all dispair,
as now I love thee I should love thee still.

***

As usual, I do not own Gundam Wing, it's characters, etc. Forthcoming is part three.