***

I will never endeavor to be worthy.

Of anything.

My name, my love, my life.

I am not a total pacifist like Father. He was the only one able to hold up such ideals that I have ever heard of except for the late Heero Yuy. Father, I have not lived up to your ideals, I am as stained as that pilot, and more stained than Noin.

She is more than I could ever hope for. She treats me like a god. Like I am an angel. She treats me as though I am more than the broken man that I am. She is my angel, the raven haired woman who has guided me through this tortured life.

How I love you, Lucrezia.

I would do anything for you, and you never have known that, until now. I will shout it from the highest rooftops, paint it across the building, do whatever you ask of me... And only hope that you will, one day, forgive me.

Or that one day I might forgive myself.

For all those many years, I put things before you. My family, I thought, was always first. My revenge for them a close second, my duties, above all for they paid to my honor.

The Honor I felt necessary in the eyes of the Foundation. The Honor I owed to my titles. The Honor paid to others, that I felt would make me whole.

It didn't, of course, I learned that quickly. Honor is no substitute for character and fulfillment. I found that out sooner than I would have hoped.

Once becoming Honor, one cannot unbecome it in the eyes of those who have named you so, or else forever be judged a half-being, one who has lost what made the man in the first place. No, you knew my faults, as well as my strengths, before I knew what you meant to me.

You knew how to handle me before I was handle-able. You knew how to treat me to get what was neccessary, what was wanted, before I admitted to being able to be handled.

I can expound on your bounties for hours and days, Lucrezia. But I will not, for that would waste where we are today, that would destroy what we have now.

I will remember silently, all your many kindnesses, and your many good traits...

While cherishing you for the woman you have become, and the person you are.

I still remember the times we were forced into camaraderie.

The academy had few stars, but those stars it has always, and would have continued to cherish as though they were fallen from the night sky of space itself. We were over-prized, our egos built up to gigantic proportions, if our conscious would allow it.

When I met you, and still now, you are self-depreciating at best, overly humble at the most. It was no difference when we were being trained to be who we became in the eyes of the OZ organization, but the training did not account for who we became as people, and what we were.

A man, and a woman. More specifically, at that time, a young woman and and a youth. We were thrown together because of training, but despite our competition, we were set aside by our peers because of our genius-like abilities. We were the two people left standing during a lecture, forced to sit all the way forward because of what we were supposed to be.

You were the recklous, despite the wishes of our peers. You were more sought after for friendship, and I the most gained. No one knew that we were putting up more affective masks than the one I wore for so many years.

I was charming, then. Or at least the student body thought so. If I recall correctly some of the instructors thought so as well.

You found me so as well, but for something more than the tall form, blond hair, and blue eyes. Despite the mask they came to admire me. My scores as well as my facade. You came because of it.

You could not stand my easiness of conquest. You were determined to change me, or to solve me like a rubix cube. You set to me like a good meal... like...

Again I must restrain my overly detailed and misconstrued description of you. It would make you blush to hear my over zealous pride of you. So I refrain myself. One wishes not to make the lady fair blush, now does one?

We appeared a mis-matched pair. You were close to being a princess, and no one knew my rank or station at all. But we both exuded mystery with every pore of our character, and so the people flocked to us, as though we were giving out free money.

Eventually we were forced, or so we used to claim, to speak to each other.

Thus begun our seduction.

It took us long to get together, our time in training was spent training, both of us working too hard to spend much time with our friends, and would not have had much time for each other save for being in the same advanced classes and being what has and will always seemed like the only two seats.

Perhaps they were the only two because they were the only two together.

Or perhaps our classmates knew us well enough to force us to sit together.

Whatever the reason, we were together. After a while, we gave up on coincidences and began going together to whatever we had to do. It was strangely all the same. Except for when Treize would visit. He came once a year, and everyone was all spiffed up and filed up and saluting as he would pass. Always he would stop before me and tell me to follow.

"Cadet Marquise, do please accompany me."

"Yes, your excellency."

And I would always tag along, like his little lap dog awaiting a lap. We would pass all the cadets, and he would have me inspect the waiting soldiers, and we would move on. He made me inspect you, Lucrezia, once.

"This soldier looks to be the only one worthy of inspecting in this unit," Treize said.

"Sir."

"Step forward, Noin, and show your rifle."

On a three count, you did so, picking up the resting rifle until it was at attention. I stepped towards you and you held it out like any other willing cadet, and I inspected it.

It was perfect. Just as you are, as you were as a soldier. Watching you from my window I wish I were talking to you, but no, I had to tear a liniment in my calf, and so I can't walk.

You're toting three bags, they look heavy, can I help? No, you will say to me, you'll just be hurt again. I will respond that I am perfectly fine, and you will throw your arms around me and threaten to hop up, and I will relent.

I know you that well, I now realize.

Why have I never realized it before?

And why am I disgracing you like this? We haven't married, and...

"Zechs!"

"Yes?"

"You hungry?"

"Of course."

Never have I told you just exactly how I feel. Oh, we have had the deep and pointless conversations about everything we have been able to think about, but I have never spoken on my liking of you, loving of...

"Good," you're happy though, I guess. "If you were a good boy and didn't walk while I was gone I may just feed you." I hear your footsteps on stairs. I'm foreman, I can't be laid up like this. "I've been commissioned to take your place until you're healed."

"But, N-Lu, I'm fine."

"Did you walk on it?" Your silhouette is visible in the doorframe, and you put your hands on your hips. Not satisfied, or maybe anxious under my scrutiny, you try leaning on the frame. When that doesn't work you come in and sit on the bed.

"No."

"What?" You ask after a breathless moment of our gazes being locked. You get to your feet as though I've a fever and kneel at my knee. "Have you a..."

"No, I didn't walk on it."

You begin to laugh, and I smile uncontrollably.

***

To remember. . . To forgive. . . To have loved. . .
to be an instant happy, to have believed. . .
and then in weariness to lean upon
the snowy shoulder of oblivion.

***

I do not own Gundam Wing, or the poetry herein used, but my ideas are mine alone.